Mom disowned me after grandmother passed away

[Eastcoast16]

Hi everyone,
About a year ago my grandmother passed away and it had a sever impact on my mom. For lack of a better way to describe it she lost it on me and basically disowned me. This was all because I spoke to one of her sisters and she felt that was the ultimate sign of being a traitor. She sent abusive text after text and I stopped replying or responding. Then the emails stated and got bad enough I had to go to the schools and put alerts on my children’s files that they were not to have contact with her. I went to see a Pyscologist to see what I could do and to try to work through some childhood trauma. She introduced me to the idea that my mom was showing signs of BPD and also possibly Bi-Polar Disorder. She is undiagnosed and thinks there is nothing wrong. We didn’ Have any contact until close to Christmas when I put out an olive branch to see if she would like to take the kids out for a few hours to spend some time. She did and it went OK. We all just pretended that nothing ever happened. Just this past weekend the kids were at her house visiting for the weekend and she started exiting me and bringing things up about my aunt. She started to spool up and make some accusations and I found myself not knowing what to do because now my children were there. I have been praying to find a support group of people who can understand why I am going through and help me figure out my boundaries etc.
Thanks for listening.

[Mutt]

Hi Eastcoast16,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m glad that you have found us they’re is hope. It’s an aha moment went we can connect a disorder to the what we experienced growing up or even as adults - BPD. Now that you have name associated with the bizarre and hurtful behaviors you can arm yourself with knowledge learn as you can about BPD and be some indifferent to the behaviours.

Are the kids attached to her?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Eastcoast16! 

I'm very glad you found us and joined our online family. Thank you for sharing your first post too. I know you'll find a lot of understanding among the members here, and you'll read about similar situations that you can relate to. There is a great list to the side of our board that I want to encourage you to take a look at. Anything you click on will open up into a larger window. Where would you say you see yourself in the list? It sounds as if you've been in T for a bit so perhaps you are past the first step or two. Often we find ourselves going back and forth for a while as we travel this journey.

This was all because I spoke to one of her sisters and she felt that was the ultimate sign of being a traitor.

Oh how well I can relate to this! My uBPDm told us that if we spoke with those family members who had treated her so horribly that we were essentially turning our backs on her as well and betraying her. For years we didn't speak to our aunts and uncles. Now that I'm an adult, I have the freedom to chose what I will or will not do and who I will talk with.

 
Wools

[MissAlwaysWrong]

Hi! This is my first time on here too and so far it is helpful to read the stories because I can relate so much. It is really difficult to set boundaries. It’s also heartbreaking to be “cut off” to not speak because you did something “wrong” speaking with someone of your choice is nothing to be punished for. Keep moving forward and keep posting for support.

[Panda39]

Hi Eastcoast16,

I'd like to join the others and say Welcome 

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw). 

Clearly there are somethings going on between your mom and her sister.  But something I want to point out is that fear of abandonment is at the heart of BPD and your mom had just lost her mom... .death the ultimate form of abandonment.  So she was probably deep into those kinds of feelings.  For people with BPD feelings can equal facts.  So her feelings can be very real to her when the facts are something completely different.

People with BPD also often see things in black and white terms, so she can't see that you can love her and your Aunt, she can only see that you love her or your Aunt. 

So your mom is at her Mother's funeral feeling abandoned, she doesn't have a good relationship with her sister, and you spoke to her sister.  You did absolutely nothing wrong speaking with your Aunt, but your mother is seeing everything through a distorted lens.

You know your mom's behavior is irrational what if you just told her that you will not keep discussing that topic, if she continues to bring it up let her know that you will be leaving or if on the phone hanging up the phone and will see/talk to her at a better time.  (If it were me I'd take the kids too... .Grandma is not feeling good today kids we will come back another time.)

I want to share information on JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

In terms of the funeral incident you did nothing wrong, as hard as it is try not to JADE it will just lead to drama and circular arguments.  If you just let her accusations lay there and don't pick up the bait she will have no fuel to keep the drama on this subject going.  By creating a boundary of no longer discussing it and ending the visit/phone call when she continues to push it you are enforcing your boundary.

Hang in there it takes time to see a lot of this stuff for what it is and by coming here you have just landed in a place with lots of information, tools, support, and folks that "get it".

Take Care,
Panda39