Blog insight from someone with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I found this to be very helpful in understanding my  BPD daughter's thinking. Nothing will make the pain any easier as you all know. This article did make me cry for my daughter. I hope it resonates with many of you.

As someone diagnosed with BPD, sometimes I don’t realize just how much my behaviors affects others until I push too far. The outburst that usually signal that, end up making me go on the defense. Anger is my first reaction to anything negative. When I’m angry, I see nothing but red and my need to “get even,” and so I say something I know would hurt the person. I would hit them where it hurts, after all they let me in before, I know them well enough to know what will push their buttons. I take everything they told me, every weakness, everything they’re conscious about, their vulnerabilities and throw them in their face. When I’m angry I react with the intention to HURT them and it ends up with me inflicting too much damage, the wrong damage, than the situation warrants. I push people away and my walls go up because I KNOW I ____ed up.

I don’t want to be hurt by the impending guilt and self hatred of yet another destroyed relation, with the abandonment that will surely happen. So what do I do? I protect myself by demonizing the other person, I try to justify my behavior. Because at the end of the day, I know I will never be happy, I will never have lasting relations, let alone lasting love. The regret eats away on me and I start hating myself even more, but that hurts so I either dissociate or cut emotional ties with the person I hurt and become apathetic.

I end up hurting myself in some way shape or form after, be it cutting myself, overdosing, putting myself in dangerous situations etc, in order to reprimand for what I have done. But then I feel the need to make that known to the person I hurt, and depending on their reaction I win them back or lose them and cut ties. That in itself can be seen as manipulative and attention seeking behavior, in some sense it is, in other senses it is not. I find it easier to ask for forgiveness when I physically SHOW that I have repented for my actions, that I felt enough guilt for the damage I have done. Yet at times these behaviors are done without the conscious thought process to manipulate, but rather preserve relations. Yet, that does not make for a healthy friendship/relation. If we hurt ourselves and that action does NOT draw the person back in, then again the defensive reactions circle back in. Yet this time, the anger is much stronger. Why? because how we might see it is that we paid our debts and that you should forgive us since we put an effort to be forgiven. Because we fear that you will leave us despite us asking for forgiveness. So what do we do with that anger? you guessed it, we blame our actions on the other person knowing very well that it is not. We mold our whole perception and focus on making sure the person and everyone around them KNOW how horrible they are and how they hurt us. We use the sympathies of others to shape the image of a terrible person. We want the other person to feel as abandoned and hurt as we feel, after all we feel abandoned so why should the other person retain their social support. We put so much into our own lies we end up believing them! We reshape out own reality and genuinely believe that we’re victims or have been wronged.

What a lot of people assume is that I am manipulative on purpose, but that is not true (not always), I just find myself molding into the person the person before me would want to be around. I want to please them, I want to be liked and I fear I will be rejected and outcasted or invalidated. I find myself adapting their views, their speech patterns, certain favored qualities etc. But at the end of the day, I get drained from holding my breath and get warned out from trying to please others. I feel empty and in conflict with what and who I am. It’s hard for ME to recognize how I mold myself until it gets to a point where I emotionally step away from the person (ex. angry after a fight) and then distance myself from the identity I molded myself to please them.

Let’s discuss guilt in all honesty for a moment; it is selective. I rarely feel guilty with the exception of feeling guilt over hurting people I truly love and care about (parents and siblings). Other people aren’t given the same emotional extension. My guilt usually comes in small bursts and fleets quickly. Why? because if I split you, then I might dislike/hate you enough to simply cut emotional ties— no empathy, no guilt, pleasure in hurting you (sweet justice). Also, why feel guilty for lying in the cases where it gives me advantages while not necessarily hurting others? Why feel bad for others when no one feels bad for me? you see, this mentality is hard to break away from.[/b]

Personally, after A LOT of introspection I started being more aware of my own behavior and hold from emotionally abusing others in extreme manners (although in some cases I do get pushed over the edge and end up emotionally abusing them). I’m often feeling remorseful and guilty when I DO recognize what I’ve done is wrong, but sometimes I don’t. It just depends on how I perceived the degree a person has wronged/hurt me. Also the guilt might be in the form where it is not necessarily for WHAT I have done but the damaged it caused.

This is my perspective on how I, as someone with BPD, has hurt others and ____ed up countless relations with people.
https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel-like-to-be-destroyed-by-someone-with-Borderline-PD

God Bless Her for being so upfront and Honest. God Bless our Children and us as well, we are all victims of this horrible disorder.

[Soc]

I found this to be very helpful in understanding my  BPD daughter's thinking. Nothing will make the pain any easier as you all know. This article did make me cry for my daughter. I hope it resonates with many of you.

As someone diagnosed with BPD, sometimes I don’t realize just how much my behaviors affects others until I push too far. The outburst that usually signal that, end up making me go on the defense. Anger is my first reaction to anything negative. When I’m angry, I see nothing but red and my need to “get even,” and so I say something I know would hurt the person. I would hit them where it hurts, after all they let me in before, I know them well enough to know what will push their buttons. I take everything they told me, every weakness, everything they’re conscious about, their vulnerabilities and throw them in their face. When I’m angry I react with the intention to HURT them and it ends up with me inflicting too much damage, the wrong damage, than the situation warrants. I push people away and my walls go up because I KNOW I ____ed up.

I don’t want to be hurt by the impending guilt and self hatred of yet another destroyed relation, with the abandonment that will surely happen. So what do I do? I protect myself by demonizing the other person, I try to justify my behavior. Because at the end of the day, I know I will never be happy, I will never have lasting relations, let alone lasting love. The regret eats away on me and I start hating myself even more, but that hurts so I either dissociate or cut emotional ties with the person I hurt and become apathetic.

I end up hurting myself in some way shape or form after, be it cutting myself, overdosing, putting myself in dangerous situations etc, in order to reprimand for what I have done. But then I feel the need to make that known to the person I hurt, and depending on their reaction I win them back or lose them and cut ties. That in itself can be seen as manipulative and attention seeking behavior, in some sense it is, in other senses it is not. I find it easier to ask for forgiveness when I physically SHOW that I have repented for my actions, that I felt enough guilt for the damage I have done. Yet at times these behaviors are done without the conscious thought process to manipulate, but rather preserve relations. Yet, that does not make for a healthy friendship/relation. If we hurt ourselves and that action does NOT draw the person back in, then again the defensive reactions circle back in. Yet this time, the anger is much stronger. Why? because how we might see it is that we paid our debts and that you should forgive us since we put an effort to be forgiven. Because we fear that you will leave us despite us asking for forgiveness. So what do we do with that anger? you guessed it, we blame our actions on the other person knowing very well that it is not. We mold our whole perception and focus on making sure the person and everyone around them KNOW how horrible they are and how they hurt us. We use the sympathies of others to shape the image of a terrible person. We want the other person to feel as abandoned and hurt as we feel, after all we feel abandoned so why should the other person retain their social support. We put so much into our own lies we end up believing them! We reshape out own reality and genuinely believe that we’re victims or have been wronged.

What a lot of people assume is that I am manipulative on purpose, but that is not true (not always), I just find myself molding into the person the person before me would want to be around. I want to please them, I want to be liked and I fear I will be rejected and outcasted or invalidated. I find myself adapting their views, their speech patterns, certain favored qualities etc. But at the end of the day, I get drained from holding my breath and get warned out from trying to please others. I feel empty and in conflict with what and who I am. It’s hard for ME to recognize how I mold myself until it gets to a point where I emotionally step away from the person (ex. angry after a fight) and then distance myself from the identity I molded myself to please them.

Let’s discuss guilt in all honesty for a moment; it is selective. I rarely feel guilty with the exception of feeling guilt over hurting people I truly love and care about (parents and siblings). Other people aren’t given the same emotional extension. My guilt usually comes in small bursts and fleets quickly. Why? because if I split you, then I might dislike/hate you enough to simply cut emotional ties— no empathy, no guilt, pleasure in hurting you (sweet justice). Also, why feel guilty for lying in the cases where it gives me advantages while not necessarily hurting others? Why feel bad for others when no one feels bad for me? you see, this mentality is hard to break away from.[/b]

Personally, after A LOT of introspection I started being more aware of my own behavior and hold from emotionally abusing others in extreme manners (although in some cases I do get pushed over the edge and end up emotionally abusing them). I’m often feeling remorseful and guilty when I DO recognize what I’ve done is wrong, but sometimes I don’t. It just depends on how I perceived the degree a person has wronged/hurt me. Also the guilt might be in the form where it is not necessarily for WHAT I have done but the damaged it caused.

This is my perspective on how I, as someone with BPD, has hurt others and ____ed up countless relations with people.
https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel-like-to-be-destroyed-by-someone-with-Borderline-PD

God Bless Her for being so upfront and Honest. God Bless our Children and us as well, we are all victims of this horrible disorder.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi Soc,

Thanks for posting this, it is very insightful and I am sure others will find it so too.

How are things with your daughter right now, and you, how are you? Are you coping?

I found this to be very helpful in understanding my  BPD daughter's thinking. Nothing will make the pain any easier as you all know. 


we are all victims of this horrible disorder.

Yes, I agree with you this article is very helpful in understanding the thinking of a pwBPD, however, I have to say that I think that the pain does ease with time, it will never go away but it will and does get easier. It depends on how we deal with it, I think we have to learn to accept it and that can be one of the hardest things. I hope with all my heart that your pain eases Soc, I really do.

And yes, we are all victims of this horrible disorder but I believe that it is within us to choose to not be a victim, we all need and deserve to have a life that is worth living

My thoughts are with you x 

[beady]

Thank you for sharing this. It makes me cry for my daughter whom I know suffers so much.

[Soc]

  Feeling Better

Ive been ignored for 3 months, Im not doing very well with this at all, each day my heart and soul are further shredded.

My pain will never go away.I will never accept this disorder and will do whatever I can to help my child.
there is no moving on or acceptance with it for me, Since she was born she was my world, and will always be.

We do not choose to be victims especially with things of this nature, this is far from benign. Time does not heal all wounds.

Thank you for writing

[Soc]

Thank you for sharing this. It makes me cry for my daughter whom I know suffers so much.

I sobbed greatly when I first read it, Ill be sharing a couple of more insights from those with BPD. That have helped me continue on in the hopes that God and my daughter will smile on me again

Thank you for the reply

[Scout206]

Is there something wrong with me?  This did not make me feel like crying at all.  It almost made me angry.   I know my daughter is in pain but I am tired of being abused.  No matter how hard I try she is hurting (read:destroying) not only me but her wonderful brother and everyone in my family as well as friends that have known here since she was born.   She can blame me for everything I never did but she is hurting multitudes of people that she has no beef with except apparently that they won't abandon me and "side" with her.   So many devastated relationships left in her wake.   I can't explain it to everybody because even though I have done nothing for 5 months but try to learn about her illness I still can't explain it well.  I also have enough respect for her to treat this as her private medical information and don't share unless I need the person to support me.   It reinforced my belief that she is punishing me - which she denies.  Some of the books I have read do not support the idea of punishment either.   It's like "they don't understand what they are doing."   I think she not only understands but enjoys the hurt she is inflicting.  It gives her power I guess.   I can go with the probability that  she may not understand why she does this because she has apparently rewritten her life history.    But punishment it is.   I read so many other posts from friends on this forum, that sometimes I think I may be lucky that my child has disconnected.   So many parents go through so much more than I have and their children can't leave because they are unable to live on their own.  I don't know what the future holds but I know that (if the opportunity presents itself), it would be difficult for me to reconnect or find any peace with her in my life because I will always be wondering when she will turn on me.   The sad truth is that I don't know how to find peace in my life without her either... .Scout206   

[Soc]

  Scout206

There isnt anything wrong with you. You are going what we all have gone through. I still feel anger, until I realize it is much like when she was younger and shed throw up on me or something, she couldnt help it.

Yes they do rewrite their history. Inspite of what others say on here, there is no peace, time doesnt heal all wounds.
I know the feeling all to well of anger, guilt and remorse. The womdering where my baby went etc.

There is no peace,at least not for those that love our children unconditionally. If you should need to talk or want to, feel free to send me a private message ans I will try and help you as best as I can, I may need some help as well. BTW it does feel like punishment but it is an attempt to get you to feel what they are going through, along with their vengence they suffer a huge amount of guilt with it and their rage, Thus creating the roller coaster or merry go round that doesnt stop and we all get to ride.

Soc

[beady]

Oh, I feel lots of anger. Anger at the life we've missed out on together, at the pain we feel, the shame when sharing our story with others who have no idea what it means to have a BPD child, I could go on. But the sadness overwhelms the anger. We can not change the fact that we have to live with this diagnosis, and I think that's where the anger comes from. We can come up with various coping mechanisms, but the fact remains that no matter what we do, BPD's mark will be felt for the rest of our lives. And what route the remainder of our journey takes depends on how well our BPD child is able to have insight. we've all done what we could to change things, the rest is up to them.

[wendydarling]

Soc this article speaks to you and this is good and talking here on the forum is the right thing to do.

Scout2016 there is nothing wrong with you   your point goes to show, remind us how broad BPD is a spectrum, it's complicated and our situations are unique as you point out we have to do what's right for us.

Here's an example of complicatedness, there are 3 questions on the back of Stop Walking on Eggshells, if you answered YES your loved one may have BPD, my answer to all was/is NO, she'd been diagnosed with BPD ... .not a one fits all situation and I'm grateful for everyone here taking time to understanding my situation, we all need to be heard and we are all listening  

Soc you're not alone feeling a victim of BPD, as victims we are stuck, we can only change ourselves, grow through this, we are all searching for peace - you say you will not accept this disorder, are you saying you feel stuck personally and unsure how to help yourself?

WDx

[MomMae]

Scout2016 there is nothing wrong with you  Empathy your point goes to show, remind us how broad BPD is a spectrum, it's complicated and our situations are unique as you point out we have to do what's right for us.

I couldn't agree more with what wendydarling has said in the above quote, that all of our situations are unique and we have to do what it right for us. 

For me, doing what was right for me was a combination of changing my own reactions and interactions with my BPDdd21 by using some of the tools learned here and trusting my instincts... .because I know my daughter better than anyone, even the professionals, just as every other parent does.  If something just felt intrinsically wrong to do in our unique situation, even if it was being recommended by a professional, I went with my gut.  In our case, one such thing that comes to mind, was being told that dd had to hit "rock bottom" before she could get better... .even though they admitted that for some hitting the bottom is death.  I was told to stop contact with her, and let that bottom come... .I could not do this, I knew, in my heart, this was not the right approach with my daughter.  If I cut all contact, she would have taken it as her being right all along, we were better off without her... .and she would have tried to punish us and herself with more self-destructive behaviour.  We did not heed the advice as given, but instead took it under advisement and did what was right for us.  What we could live with, no matter what the outcome.  Because ultimately, we are the ones who have to live it for the rest of our lives and somehow reconcile that.

Inspite of what others say on here, there is no peace, time doesnt heal all wounds.

Soc, I am so sorry that you are hurting so deeply.  I do have to disagree with what you have said above though.  I don't feel it is fair to say that there can be no peace, despite what others say on here.  If people have said they have found peace and that their wounds are healing, I think that we have to believe that at face value.  I personally, am in a much more peaceful place than I was a year ago, when I was desperate and not knowing where to turn or what to do next.  And I began that journey to finding peace on this site, by listening to others who were in a healthier emotional space than me, and by realizing, truly realizing, that something had to change, and that something had to start with me.

And time does help with the wounds.  My daughter said and did some of the worst things possible to our family.  Things that when I start to think about them, I must stop myself because they are just too difficult.  I will never forget, unfortunately (I wish I could!), but those wounds do not follow me around.  They are healed... .I have scars on my soul to be sure, maybe even some unsightly ones, but they are not open wounds anymore. 

I know when you are in the worst of it, walking through the dark tunnel of hell, there does not seem to be any escape from that feeling.  I know, I REALLY do know.  But there is hope, there can be moments of peace and light.  I have felt them and, if you read the stories, so have others on this board.

I'm sorry things are very difficult for you right now, Soc.  I hope that knowing others care helps a little bit. MM   

[wendydarling]

Soc you're not alone feeling a victim of BPD, as victims we are stuck, we can only change ourselves, grow through this, we are all searching for peace - you say you will not accept this disorder, are you saying you feel stuck personally and unsure how to help yourself?

Soc I'd like to share this with you. 5.01 Are we victims? What do you think, how does this make you feel, do you see yourself as the victim, are you ready to take charge of your life? Is this helpful for you?

You've opened a great conversation, you are helping others and we can help you.  

Small, gentle steps.

WDX

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Soc]

  wendydarling

There is nothing here to help. I miss my daughter, I mourn for her and her lost dreams in life. All the counseling and meds I may partake of do not change the facts.

[Soc]

  MomMae

I do go by my instincts, no contact by me is not an option. That would mean I gave up on her (to me). This in my life has been going on for years. This wound will never heal with me, I do forgive her,I know it isnt her fault.

Perhaps with you and others the passage of time helps wounds heal and scar over,my scars are opened daily, and hope and faith are a pipe dream.

[Turkish]

I can relate to a lot of what has been said here with my struggles with my dBPD mother and my uBPDx and mother of our children. 

I follow a cured pwBPD on Quora as his posts are insightful... .to an extent. His number one message about how a pwBPD feels at their core is basically, "I'm worthless and not worthy of love." Most of the toublesome behaviors can be explained by this. 

We have a discussion here by a member who had BPD which might shed more light,  even if it is written from a romantic partner's perspective:

BPD BEHAVIORS: How it feels to have BPD

[Soc]

Soc I'd like to share this with you. 5.01 Are we victims? What do you think, how does this make you feel, do you see yourself as the victim, are you ready to take charge of your life? Is this helpful for you?

You've opened a great conversation, you are helping others and we can help you.  

Small, gentle steps.

WDX

From Miriam Webster: victim: someone or something that is harmed by an unpleasant event (such as an illness or accident)

As I said we are all victims of this Illness, perhaps youd prefer the term "collateral damage". I dont come on this site to whine,nor do I come on this site to be questioned about whether or not I see myself as a victim. Im quite sure I was clear when I said we are all victims. Im 63 yrs old and have been quite in charge of my life from age 17 on.

What gall it takes to even ask me or anyone for that matter if I see myself as a victim. especially when you and/or others do not have a clue as to my life. Im not full of self pity nor do I need varied sympathies and ask for none. Im here hoping to find a silver bullet, an answer to this enigma.  I do not subscribe to the Doris Day song mentality of "Que Sera, Sera".

Wendy what is helpful to me? you asked Is this helpful to me.

Perhaps those that do just give in or up on those that they allegedly care about and love just have a lesser depth of caring and love for those in their lives with BPD.

I have met several parents of those that have BPD, a couple of them were unknown to me at the time, and as soon as BPD was brought up they broke down. BPD is a spectrum, many cases are mild, many are very severe, most fall somewhere in between.

This insidious disorder is akin to the death of a child. If any of you has had a child that has died, and you had to still function as a parent for your other children, could you?, or if you know of anyone ask them if they feel like a victim, go visit a St. Judes Hospital, or a children's hospital and see the damage done to lives.

Here's a link for you from youtube, getting one person's viewpoint of how they feel about BPD.
You may see some of yourself there, I know Ive seen a lot of me in that video. Its only 3+ minutes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FglzBa8PvQ

[Soc]

  wendydarling

I viewed that 5.01 link about victims, it doesnt say much to me at all.

As Ive said we are all victims, Im sure it depends on the severity of the BPD and your depth of relationship with that family member

[MomMae]

Hi Soc,
First, I want to say again how very sorry I am for the overwhelming pain that you are feeling.  I understand; I have been there and so has most everyone who posts on this board.  I would never begin to suggest that my pain was worse than yours or anyone else's, nor the love I have for my daughter, my family, deeper than that of others.  When you use the word "allegedly" (as you did responding to Wendy) when talking about the love others have for their child or the depths of pain that others who post here feel it is very unfair and judgemental.  Being at the limits of emotional pain can be confusing and overwhelming, and sometimes it causes us to focus our anger and frustration on those that don't deserve it.

Wendy, who is a kind and gentle soul, has shown me immense compassion not only with my BPD dd, but also with my son's traumatic brain injury.  Her gentle questioning of the role of victim that we can easily fall into while dealing with a family member with BPD is an important and valid one to ask.  Soc, you and I have corresponded a bit through personal messages and I brought up the idea of examining our role as a victim as well... .because, for me, it was an important part of changing the course of things for my BPD dd21 and our family.  I will copy what I wrote to you in that message below:

While it is true that nothing anyone can say will change our BPD children, I personally did find that some of the responses I got from people to be the impetus I needed to change what I was doing.  I clearly remember Huat (a woman in her seventies who has been going through this for decades with her 50 year old daughter) telling me that I had to stop being a "victim".  I also remember initially thinking "what the #@$%, that doesn't help me, that's not supportive!" But truly, it was the best advice I have ever gotten... .once I took the time to think about it... .  It pushed me to actually start learning a different way of communicating with my daughter (using the lessons I learned here) and also to see that being in the "poor me" mode was a road block to changing things.  I needed to put value on my own life and feelings as much as those of my daughter.  I still find that hard, valuing myself, but not playing the victim comes fairly naturally now.  I actually hated the feeling of it anyway, I felt pathetic and didn't like myself very much... .feeling sorry for myself.  I took the fact that I KNEW I was a good parent and a good person who didn't deserve this (the reason why I was playing the victim) and instead of using it to feel sorry for myself, I used it to empower myself... .  I HAVE done a good job, I DESERVE to be commended for that, even if I am the only one doing the commending. I WILL NOT listen to my daughter or anyone else telling me otherwise.  Ending my victim-hood was me taking back my power and my self-esteem.

I can be a stubborn person, Soc, with very strong opinions, similar to yourself. But I also know that if I did not open my mind and heart to the perspective and wisdoms of others on this board, I would still be stuck in the whirlpool of confusion, anger, bitterness and self-absorption that I was in when I stumbled upon this website.  Maybe you are not ready to make yourself vulnerable enough to hear others' gentle challenges as an act of extreme caring and understanding.  And that is okay.  I understand.  But it is not okay or fair to suggest that your love and caring for your beautiful daughter is any deeper than any other person who has ever posted on this forum just because you are presently still buried in your own overwhelming pain and sadness.

I am sorry for your hurt, Soc.  MM       

[helpingkml]

My step-daughter moved out last week in a blaze of glory. We were told that she could not take it any more. So much of what I read here is what I've witnessed, especially this, her senior year.

I pray she's safe, as she's only 18. She has pulled away from all who love her and is convinced (mostly by her mother and then herself due to her mother's negative talk to her) that she has to do everything herself and it's not fair that we take care of her. She moved out and is going to emancipate herself.

Thank you for sharing this resource.

[Skip]

I do go by my instincts, no contact by me is not an option. That would mean I gave up on her (to me). This in my life has been going on for years. This wound will never heal with me, I do forgive her,I know it isnt her fault.

Perhaps with you and others the passage of time helps wounds heal and scar over,my scars are opened daily, and hope and faith are a pipe dream.

It has to be devastating that she is connecting with the her 16-year-uninvolved mom and pushing you aside - after all the years you stood buy her - sacrificed for her.

Man-to-man, your greatest opportunity going forward lies in how you react to this adversity. How you react will greatly effect your daughter. How you react, will greatly affect your well being.

You seem to be telling us that you find understanding and a level of comfort in identifying in the wounds of a victim/martyr and in having anger and hatred for the disorder. OK.

Some members are on a different path and using different tools to cope with similar and at the same time, vastly different situations.

We understand.

So what is happening with your you and your daughter and your ex-wife right now? Can you scope out the overall situation?

[Soc]

It has to be devastating that she is connecting with the her 16-year-uninvolved mom and pushing you aside - after all the years you stood buy her - sacrificed for her.

Man-to-man, your greatest opportunity going forward lies in how you react to this adversity. How you react will greatly effect your daughter. How you react, will greatly affect your well being.

You seem to be telling us that you find understanding and a level of comfort in identifying in the wounds of a victim/martyr and in having anger and hatred for the disorder. OK.

Some members are on a different path and using different tools to cope with similar and at the same time, vastly different situations.

We understand.

So what is happening with your you and your daughter and your ex-wife right now? Can you scope out the overall situation?

My daughter has ignored me for 3 months,the ex is enjoying her use of the child as a weapon.

you know as well as I do Im in a "Catch 22" I dont know how to act to this adversity. You also know that whatever I may do may trigger Hyde,even if what I do is innocuous, or benign or something that most would take as pleasant. Here is a good example of what I go through, on Thanksgiving morning I said I was making Hot Cocoa and cinnamon rolls, like we always have, that got the bedroom door slammed her running outside and calling her mother to get her. How about my daughter getting upset over spilling $2 worth or drinks, and wanting to be consoled, which I did, yet she blew off our 13th annual visit to the Nutcracker, I was out $400. Our birthdays were ruined and so were the holidays, I havent heard I love you since December, I havent been called Daddy since August.
My daughter has gender dysphoria, her mother is trying to convince my daughter that she is a lesbian. Just because the mother is one. The mother of the year calls her a Boi now. My daughter has no interest in sex, romance, or dating. Did I mention the mother is NPD?

I spent 16 yrs of my life being a good father and mother and a super Daddy to my baby, then the BPD took over.

Im not sure what you mean by scope it out.

" Man-to-man, your greatest opportunity going forward lies in how you react to this adversity. How you react will greatly effect your daughter. How you react, will greatly affect your well being."


Really? See info about "catch 22"  and the Jekyll/Hyde thing. I dont have a clue as to how to react, the mother provides no encouragement like I did when my daughter split on her. I have gotten conflicting answers from both those with BPD and those that have a family member that has BPD, some say pursue, some say ignore. All I know is my heart is broken and I miss my child very,very much, and I want to get her the help she needs, which the mother of the year turned down for her. This is what Joint Custody does.

Im not upset with you, Im just fed up in life and dont know what to do about it, my beautiful, super intelligent daughter, that dreamed of going to Harvard, is now a recluse afraid of her own shadow and the only one in this world that will help her is being ignored.

Being a brave soldier, isnt any good if no one sees it. One friend of mine says when he sees his child its like he is talking to a stranger.


BTW, at no time did I say I felt some comfort in being a victim/martyr. I do find some understanding from someone that has BPD explaining the why of a certain aspect. Dont you?

I do not mince words, I dont seem to be saying anything other than I actually do say. Please take what I say literally.

 

[Skip]

"Man-to-man, your greatest opportunity going forward lies in how you react to this adversity. How you react will greatly effect your daughter. How you react, will greatly affect your well being."

Really?

Yes, of course. I think about what I write before I write it and I posted it in the right thread 

She is your daughter for the rest of your life. Sometime's our only choice is to play the long game.  It's not easy buy any means, and everyone here can identify with or has lived your frustration.

I do not mince words, I don't seem to be saying anything other than I actually do say. Please take what I say literally.

How is that working for you? You have invalidated everyone who has posted to you and they have all walked away. I'm trying to re-open that door. You are a wounded brother in need. I'm reaching out. It's your choice to grab hold or not.

So what is happening with your you and your daughter and your ex-wife right now? Can you scope out the overall situation?

My daughter has ignored me for 3 months, the ex is enjoying her use of the child as a weapon.

Ugh 

Can you tell us a little more?  

1. Forgetting about logic, fairness, truth, etc., for the purpose of this question, what would you daughter say her problem with you is right now, what does she feel you have done that is bad, and why does she feel safer with her mom. You know how she thinks and you have had thousands of conversations leading up to this - why does this all make sense to her.

2. What is the reality? What is true, was is delusion?

You have friends here. When your ready to dig in, we will be here. We play the long game, too. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Soc]

Yes, of course. I think about what I write before I write it and I posted it in the right thread  

She is your daughter for the rest of your life. Sometime's our only choice is to play the long game.  It's not easy buy any means, and everyone here can identify with or has lived your frustration.

How is that working for you? You have invalidated everyone who has posted to you and they have all walked away. I'm trying to re-open that door. You are a wounded brother in need. I'm reaching out. It's your choice to grab hold or not.

I invalidated everyone, as in 2 others beside yourself? it seems they really didnt say anything.

Ugh  

Can you tell us a little more?  

1. Forgetting about logic, fairness, truth, etc., for the purpose of this question, what would you daughter say her problem with you is right now, what does she feel you have done that is bad, and why does she feel safer with her mom. You know how she thinks and you have had thousands of conversations leading up to this - why does this all make sense to her.

2. What is the reality? What is true, was is delusion?

You have friends here. When your ready to dig in, we will be here. We play the long game, too.  

If I knew how she thought I wouldnt need to be on here. It makes sense to her because she has BPD, her NPD mother reinforces my child's distorted beliefs. I have hundreds of photos showing events of her and I doing good and fun things together, she doesnt remember them. She thinks she was abused Ive never even spanked my daughter, if anything I spoiled her.
She remembers a few incidents incorrectly that paint me as the bad guy in her eyes. Here's one from last December, we went out for pizza, she went off on me in public because the pizza I got was too big and she wasnt that hungry. She was upset about Trump,took it out on me.  Her mother asked me what I was doing to the child to upset her. She gets worked up far too easily over nothing, at Thanksgiving me making cinnamon rolls set her off. I didnt see her on her birthday, reason: you cant make me. So I had to wait 3 weeks to have it with her,just to give her her presents and have her dump on me. She seems coached. I feel raped in life. There are many ugly things that have happened by her,but I never abandoned her or left her side. Then one day the mother of the year was the good parent and I was the less than zero.

[MomMae]

Some quotes from you Soc, towards people who were in your corner, caring and trying to help:

I invalidated everyone, as in 2 others beside yourself? it seems they really didnt say anything.

What gall it takes to even ask me or anyone for that matter if I see myself as a victim.

Perhaps those that do just give in or up on those that they allegedly care about and love just have a lesser depth of caring and love for those in their lives with BPD.

Inspite of what others say on here, there is no peace, time doesnt heal all wounds.

These are the words of someone trapped in anger and bitterness, not someone ready to move forward.  Do you hear it?  Is this how you want to be?  Does spewing meanness at people showing you empathy make you feel better, Soc?  It does make me wonder if you have the introspection to see that you may be even a small part of the problem with your daughter when you can be that angry with strangers who are only trying to empathize and help. 

One last suggestion from me is for you to review the lessons to the right   If you open your mind, you should find Lesson 2 particularly helpful. 

Please don't rip into me, Soc.  I am only trying to help, and I am truly sorry if it doesn't come across that way to you.  Best of luck to you.  MomMae

[Soc]

Some quotes from you Soc, towards people who were in your corner, caring and trying to help:


These are the words of someone trapped in anger and bitterness, not someone ready to move forward.  Do you hear it?  Is this how you want to be?  Does spewing meanness at people showing you empathy make you feel better, Soc?  It does make me wonder if you have the introspection to see that you may be even a small part of the problem with your daughter when you can be that angry with strangers who are only trying to empathize and help. 

One last suggestion from me is for you to review the lessons to the right   If you open your mind, you should find Lesson 2 particularly helpful. 

Please don't rip into me, Soc.  I am only trying to help, and I am truly sorry if it doesn't come across that way to you.  Best of luck to you.  MomMae

Dont even begin to think that my anger is part of the problem with my daughter, you do not know our history,yet you are presumptuous and call it empathy. I saw no help, perhaps if you knew what went on in this end you could empathize,maybe.

That is an empty apology, youre sorry it doesnt come across that way to me, do some self introspection and see if it did come across that way, I still adhere to strict definitions of words,not the empty jargon of today,in which people talk yet say nothing. Make this easy, just dont respond to anything I might post.

[Lollypop]

  Soc

It’s been awhile since we last spoke. I was sorry to read this thread and hear of your situation and it sounds like you’re having such a tough time. Our kids are just so precious to us and when things don’t go how we’d like them to, the pain can feel unbearable. I’ve had times when my son didn’t want anything to do with me and the “no contact” was truly horrible.

My situation didn’t improve until my pain got so bad that I had no choice. I was faced with never having a relationship with my son or to try a different way. I didn’t know what would happen but I had to try something for both our sakes. I decided to change my approach.

I’m reminded of a saying:

Usually when we hear or read something new, we just compare it to our own ideas. If it is the same, we accept it and say that it is correct. If it is not, we say it is incorrect. In either case, we learn nothing.

I learnt nothing for years.

My pain forced me into a better place.

That’s my truth. These aren’t empty words.

From what you’ve written you’ve said you’re finding it extremely difficult to cope emotionally. I’m so very sorry as I remember just how exhausting and hopeless I felt. This is just hard.

LP

[Soc]

 Soc

It’s been awhile since we last spoke. I was sorry to read this thread and hear of your situation and it sounds like you’re having such a tough time. Our kids are just so precious to us and when things don’t go how we’d like them to, the pain can feel unbearable. I’ve had times when my son didn’t want anything to do with me and the “no contact” was truly horrible.

My situation didn’t improve until my pain got so bad that I had no choice. I was faced with never having a relationship with my son or to try a different way. I didn’t know what would happen but I had to try something for both our sakes. I decided to change my approach.

I’m reminded of a saying:

I learnt nothing for years.

My pain forced me into a better place.

That’s my truth. These aren’t empty words.

From what you’ve written you’ve said you’re finding it extremely difficult to cope emotionally. I’m so very sorry as I remember just how exhausting and hopeless I felt. This is just hard.

LP

Thank you for the kind words. I have tried just about everything with my daughter, to no avail, for some reason she is holding her NPD mother is a high regard. Im split black,I raised her by myself for 16 yrs, without any help.

I worry some for me,but the bulk of my worry is for my daughter's future, Im 63 my time is short and Im not in the best of health. Ive had my life, I want her to have one as well, wgich she will never have with her mother. At some point the NPD mother will need to feed off of my daughter again, and my daughter will say no and then a huge violent blow up will occur. It has happened before. My daughter will clean the floors with her mother, and may end up in jail or an institution.

So basically I have to sit and wait. My pain will take me to a better place when she is home and getting treatment. Until then there will be no respite for me.
Thank you again.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Soc

Good to hear from you  

basically I have to sit and wait. My pain will take me to a better place when she is home and get

I know that feeling. I used to try and avoid going into my town as I’d sometimes see my son and I found it physically unbearable. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change his situation for him, I had no hope that he’d WANT to change his own situation.

It was the feeling of hopeless and helplessness that overwhelmed me.

I’m trying hard to be succinct, to try and convey how I changed my approach. It was through a number of things. My situation may be entirely different to yours but perhaps we can find some similarities.

I think the first thing I accepted was that my son couldn’t feel my love. This was irrespective of everything I’d ever done for him or told him how much I loved him. He knew he was loved but he just didn’t feel loved.

The second problem was that he found it easier to not spend any time with me. This didn’t mean he didn’t love me; he took the path of easiest resistance. When we were together I was too straight talking, intrusive and asking questions. There’s no way he was going to find his time with me a positive experience.

My third problem was that I’d made him the centre of my world. I’d done too much for him and allowed our relationship to become unhealthy. I’d lost perspective and become unconfident in my abilities as a parent.

Fourthly, I had no life of my own, no interests, I had nothing to say that he could relate to. Truthfully, I was boring and judgmental.

These were big problems. How does anyone fix a relationship? I just didn’t know how to and I found this forum.

The first thing I did was say to him “I’m getting help for myself. Things have been so bad between us and I’m trying to find a way that will make things so that we can get along a lot better”.

This created a little interest. I got to work proving it.

My first priority was to improve the atmosphere when we were together. even if it was just for a few minutes, I made sure our interaction was a warm, loving and smiley experience. No questions, no judgment, no talking about problems. He slowly warmed and relaxed. This kind of covered problems 1 and 2 above.

I looked outwards for my solution to problems 3 and 4. I discovered I needed better boundaries and, because of our growing relationship, he received them ok (he’s a quiet BPD). I got back to basics on my communication skills - I now spend most of my time listening and really observing how he’s feeling through his body language.

Number 4 was just for me. I signed up at a local college on a part time course. It exposed me to other people, it helped me forget about my problems and I re-discovered my love of learning. It gave me something to talk about with my family, it enriched me. I’m 55 and I’ve done this for 4 years. It’s never ever too late - my fellow student is 70 (who has a non contact daughter and doesn’t see her two grand children). It’s given me perspective. My son surely must have deeply sighed knowing all my attention wasn’t in him any more - I have a life of my own that he can share if he’d like to.

Soc, is there anything in here that you can relate to?

I feel for you. The waiting for the crisis is awful.

LP

[MyBPD_friend]

Very interesting insight of a BPD. I think this text could have been written by my ex female friend, unfortunately she never explained anything of her behaviour. I left this 'friendship' completely six weeks ago.
Kind of hope to never hear from her or to see her again.

BPD is terrible...

[Scout206]

Hi Soc
I have followed this thread of yours and it makes me sad.   My daughter has been no contact with me for most of the past 2 years so I'm farther down this road than you.  I understand all too well the despair that you are experiencing.   I wish I didn't.  Only this January did I even hear of BPD and start to learn about it.  Before that I was totally in the dark - confused, angry, hurt - more than I ever thought I could bear.  But the no contact has been her choice not mine.   That is how my journey began - seemingly (to me) no contact with no inciting cause.  It's the last thing I want.   Does that mean that I am giving up on her or don't love her enough?  I am not out of contact with my daughter because the depth of my love is less than yours or because I want it that way.  I love her more than my own life.  I'm out of contact with her because she gives me no other choice.   She tells me that I am the sole cause of her anxiety and depression and seems to have rewritten her life history.  She apparently doesn't remember the mostly wonderful life she has had and that she has been treasured since before she was born.  She has split me black and I have no control of anything except to try to stay sane.   She's getting married in July and I don't know how to make it through not being there.  I'm doing the best that I can to survive day by day.  Like you, I also raised my daughter on my own with very little help for 29 years.  I also have an ex who makes everything worse instead of better.  But I can't control that or change it.   I can only drive myself crazy being angry about it if I stay on that road.   I don't mean to be hard on you because I understand your pain makes you feel hopeless and angry. But the depth of my love for my daughter is beyond words.   My sadness will never heal no matter what the future holds but I am learning how to survive in this reality.   I don't think you mean to hurt people but you must remember that we are all caught up in a circle of confusion, pain, stress and despair.  So when you tell me that because of my situation, I don't love my child enough it wounds me.   None of us needs criticism like that.  We try to be supportive and helpful to each other on this forum.   Having a place to go where you can talk to people without having to explain what you mean when you say "My child has borderline traits and I don't know what to do... .I feel like I'm losing my mind" is difficult to find.    I hope that you are feeling a bit more hopeful at least sometimes and continue to share your journey if you wish.   We are here for you and for each other.  There are many helpful tools to the right side of this page and I hope you take a look at them.   Try to take care of yourself as much as you can.  We are of no use to ourselves or our children if we don't pay attention to our own well being and mental health.   Scout206

[Soc]

Hi there Soc

Good to hear from you  

I know that feeling. I used to try and avoid going into my town as I’d sometimes see my son and I found it physically unbearable. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change his situation for him, I had no hope that he’d WANT to change his own situation.

It was the feeling of hopeless and helplessness that overwhelmed me.

I’m trying hard to be succinct, to try and convey how I changed my approach. It was through a number of things. My situation may be entirely different to yours but perhaps we can find some similarities.

I think the first thing I accepted was that my son couldn’t feel my love. This was irrespective of everything I’d ever done for him or told him how much I loved him. He knew he was loved but he just didn’t feel loved.

The second problem was that he found it easier to not spend any time with me. This didn’t mean he didn’t love me; he took the path of easiest resistance. When we were together I was too straight talking, intrusive and asking questions. There’s no way he was going to find his time with me a positive experience.

My third problem was that I’d made him the centre of my world. I’d done too much for him and allowed our relationship to become unhealthy. I’d lost perspective and become unconfident in my abilities as a parent.

Fourthly, I had no life of my own, no interests, I had nothing to say that he could relate to. Truthfully, I was boring and judgmental.

These were big problems. How does anyone fix a relationship? I just didn’t know how to and I found this forum.

The first thing I did was say to him “I’m getting help for myself. Things have been so bad between us and I’m trying to find a way that will make things so that we can get along a lot better”.

This created a little interest. I got to work proving it.

My first priority was to improve the atmosphere when we were together. even if it was just for a few minutes, I made sure our interaction was a warm, loving and smiley experience. No questions, no judgment, no talking about problems. He slowly warmed and relaxed. This kind of covered problems 1 and 2 above.

I looked outwards for my solution to problems 3 and 4. I discovered I needed better boundaries and, because of our growing relationship, he received them ok (he’s a quiet BPD). I got back to basics on my communication skills - I now spend most of my time listening and really observing how he’s feeling through his body language.

Number 4 was just for me. I signed up at a local college on a part time course. It exposed me to other people, it helped me forget about my problems and I re-discovered my love of learning. It gave me something to talk about with my family, it enriched me. I’m 55 and I’ve done this for 4 years. It’s never ever too late - my fellow student is 70 (who has a non contact daughter and doesn’t see her two grand children). It’s given me perspective. My son surely must have deeply sighed knowing all my attention wasn’t in him any more - I have a life of my own that he can share if he’d like to.

Soc, is there anything in here that you can relate to?

I feel for you. The waiting for the crisis is awful.

LP

I can relate to my daughter being my world, Im 63 my life was devoted to her and I attempted to be both mother and father and run my business as well. Her mother walked away to pursue women. She would pick up my child when she was sick, when she was a toddler and then leave her with 2 minor half sisters, so she could go out on a date. As my daughter got older she would live her for 48 hrs with her lover while she went to a yoga seminar. The mother welted my daughter's butt at age 3. My daughter would ask Santa every year for a new mother in her Christmas list. I was a hero, for 16 yrs, then during a meltdown she decided her never present mother was the good parent and split black on me. Sorry for rambling. My heart is broken and this house isnt a home anymore. My daughter wasnt a quiet BPD, she was violent and had massive rage. Id rather go through all the pain and suffering with her as opposed to being ignored. Funny Ive never had to wait for the crisis its been ever present for years. Id sell my soul to have her back