I've met him today and could use advice about how to go on

[babyducks]

Hi FaithfulInLove

It calms me that the past days he always got back to me ... .that we're talking makes me happy.

Can we maybe talk about this for a minute?    I want to ask if you think it's a good idea to give this much power over your life and your feelings to another person.   Just like with the text to his mother, you decided that giving him too much control over your actions wasn't fair.    maybe the same thing applies to your emotions too.

from where I sit, it looks very much to me that:
 

l don't really believe in a happy life without him.

isn't fair or good for you.    and its not good for him.  or fair to him.

what I've learned  over time is that I am responsible for my emotions.   I am responsible for me feeling happy or good or sad or angry.     sure other people can contribute to that but it's up to me to take care of my emotions.   I can't make them dependent on some one else.

I know there is no way to coax, cajole, beguile, charm, or control someone in how they act in a relationship with me.    the only way to have a relationship is for me to be my authentic self, and for them to be their authentic self.    sometimes that means making hard decisions and accepting things I don't really care for.    I can't ask someone to be a certain way to make me happy.    it's not fair to them.    it puts them in the position of maybe having to be something they are not for my behalf.

Skip the site director here says 'good mental health means making hard decisions over and over again'.    I am going to tweek that a little and say having a good relationship means accepting what is and not wishing for what might be over and over again.   You can only build a healthy friendship if both of you can be your authentic selves with no conditions or strings attached.

What do you think FaithfulInLove?

'ducks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FaithfulInLove]

No, I don't think it's a good idea to give him the power over my emotions.
I don't know what else to say. He has that power though and l don't find other sense in life than the man l planned my future with.
I miss him and l don't wanna make another wrong move.

[babyducks]

of course you miss him.   you invested a lot of your emotional energy and time in the relationship.  you gave a lot.   

do you think it's possible to start to rebuild the power dynamic?    to shift the power so it's more equal.   you have the right amount and he has the right amount?

there was a tool that I was taught that helped me.   it's called thought distancing.   it works like this.

when I caught myself thinking:   "everything is horrible".    I would stop myself and deliberately change my thoughts to "I notice that things feel horrible".    that would feel less intense so I would again stop myself and concentrate on thinking "right now I notice that I believe everything is horrible."

I was fused with certain ideas.   I had to give myself the room to step back from them so I could work with them easier.

I too believed I had found the person I would love for all my life.   I worked to plan a future.    I believed we would grow old together.    it didn't turn out that way.    some of it was my stuff, not all of it.    some of it was my Ex's stuff.    I still care very deeply and still feel loving feelings.   but thinking in all or nothing terms doesn't help me.     it's a lot more nuanced than that.   


how does that sound to you?

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you, babyducks for caring so much!

That sounds good to me, it'll just take time to learn thinking differently.
That's what I'm doing therapy for, but even my therapist sais we're kind of spinning in circles. I hope I'll make some progress soon - I'm horribly grieving still, especially when I'm home alone and everthing makes me think of him.
I spend a lot of time with a lovely man - who knows about the whole story. It distracts me, but I wish I didn't need distraction from other people. I wish I could be productive by myself again. I have no words for how much I loved spending time alone before I met him. Now I can't really do this anymore, because the past 2 years I've never been alone cause he's always been there texting me. And although things have changed I don't know how to stop staring at my phone.

As I told you, he sent me those lyrics he wrote and I am still wondering if they were about me or his new girl.
They'd really fit to our story a lot and I wonder why he should send them if they weren't about me and if he could hurt me that much, sharing a song about someone new with me - but on the other hand, why shouldn't he if he thinks I'm over us?
I told him those words were moving and he said thank you - since then I didn't hear from him.
I didn't wanna ask, I've been too afraid of the answer. I wonder if I should ask him when I find the right moment, so I can stop thinking about that song or understand its meaning. The question is if there'll ever be a "good moment" as we're barely talking.

I don't really know how to shift the power. I can't just ignore his messages for days the way he does it with mine, cause as soon as he feels ignored, he's really getting mad at me. I just wanna keep things light, I don't want this to become a "who can stay away from texting longer" contest? That's what it feels like right now... .
Last time he only took 10 minutes to react and so did I and I wonder - why the silence again now and when will it break or will he just stop texting forever?

[CryWolf]

I have no words for how much I loved spending time alone before I met him. Now I can't really do this anymore, because the past 2 years I've never been alone cause he's always been there texting me. And although things have changed I don't know how to stop staring at my phone.

It gets better over time. I was in your position too.

Me and my ex constantly texted non stop. Every minute of every day. Then she would stop texting and then I would go crazy like oh no something happened. She made the dynamics like that. And I became codependent. My feelings and emotions and thoughts all became dependent on her.

Before her, I barely had anyone to text besides friends. I was so alone. I hated being alone and wanted a relationship really bad. And I got it. Wasn’t what I expected because had BPD.

I used to say I can’t a lot too. Just like how you are st the moment. You need to stop that and start saying “I will”. It sounds cheesy but in time it is empowering.

When my ex cut everything off with me. I was devastated. I still am. We were inseparable. We were one. She was my everything and I’m sure i was to her. But two people never feel the same exact thing you feel. We all process emotions and feelings differntly. Although we loved each other we loved in Separate ways.

I was lost. I had no one to talk to anymore and adjusting back to being alone and single was devastating. I didn’t want to do it. I tried texting random people but the convos weren’t the same. I missed her. She was my other half. But then over time you realize that’s not healthy. You shouldn’t be happy based off someone else. You shouldn’t be unable to go to class or work or stay in bed all day because of someone else. I didn’t want to admit it but I became a codependent.

How did I overcome it? I’m still working on it, but I started going out alone. Putting myself in situations where other people would be there. Doing things I never imagined of doing. I met a new girl. We dated briefly. I saw the red flags ASAP that I didn’t see with my ex.

Things get better. They will hurt, the pain will come and go. It’s been a while but I had a dream of my exBPD last night. I woke up and here I am. Feelings Came back but I can manage better.

I don't really know how to shift the power. I can't just ignore his messages for days the way he does it with mine, cause as soon as he feels ignored, he's really getting mad at me. I just wanna keep things light, I don't want this to become a "who can stay away from texting longer" contest? That's what it feels like right now... .
Last time he only took 10 minutes to react and so did I and I wonder - why the silence again now and when will it break or will he just stop texting forever?

How you shift power is going radio silent until he contacts you. Nothing has changed since you first made your post. You shift power by them chasing you or pursuing you. You say you can’t ignore messages but that’s why your not in power.

It’s childish. I know. My ex would do the same. Not text for a while then when I wouldn’t text for a while because I would be busy she would bombard me and tell me how I’m ignoring her or this or that. Blah blah. Explain myself and I’d here the “sure”. Then boom she’s back in power because I had to explain myself . I thought when you love someone you do your best to make them feel comfortable and loved. But nah. I was wrong. Unfortunately with a lot people these days it’s a game even if you don’t think it’s a game. I know this logic is wrong and there are relationships out there that aren’t like this but in this day and age You have to learn how to be one step ahead.

I applied everything from this site and mistakes form my past relationship with this girl. When she was moody and had attitude, instead of pleasing and chasing m. I would show I’m unbothered and relaxed. In person she would walk away at the store, I didn’t go after her. I got what i neeeded. She then came to me. Texted, I told her I didn’t wanna text s lot and rather in person. She ended up inviting me over and calling and texting me all the time. I started to learn the game. I had control although I didn’t care for it. I admit it felt nice. But then came the curveball. She asked me over For the 4th night in a row and I couldn’t. She tried making me jealous by saying she’s going to a friends house and etc. I was fine with it and we texted a bit after that. My ex used to do the sane. “I guess I’ll go with someone else then”. Then she became incredibly distant and then the ex came back in the picture. She ran off. I admit, I lost my cool and started asking her questions which made me look a bit needy. But no one should be ghosted. Hope me sharing can help you in some way. I know your in a tough spot but it takes a lot of time and patience to get better. Your brain is rewired at the moment


As for the lyrics. You can drive yourself crazy over it. I would too. Trying to decide what it means. But it’s just words. Let his actions speak for him. The reason I say this, and I will do some self projection here. I recently dated a girl from my class for a month. On one of the dates she asked me to play a song based on how I feel and I did. And she played one too. On other dates she said how she likes me and how she feels so happy with me and she hasn’t in so long. Told me how she wants me to meet her mom and etc. but her actions were this. She didn’t want to take pics together. She would tell me she’s insecure. Although she takes snaps of herself alllll the time. She idealized me like crazy. Told me how crazy the ex is and etc and how I’m better. Guess what, the ex came back and she ghosted me. I asked myself a million questions why. I asked maybe she had BPD too? She had seemed like she had symptoms and her childhoods Story fit. I started wondering maybe we got too close and her fear of abandonment Triggered? Maybe the ex made her stop because she did say he checks all her messages? Maybe she played me and it was all fake? Maybe she lead me on and just wanted attention? Maybe she just didn’t want to hurt me? All these questions that would linger without being answered. I let go. I’m mad but it happens. It sucks. But it happens.
Sadly, words can only go so far. It’s the actions that matter here.

You need to pull away and start living a life that isn’t so focused on him. I’m not telling you to run but your basing everything on him and how to please him and you’re life revolves around him. Make it revolve around you.

[babyducks]

Hi FaithfulInLove

That sounds good to me, it'll just take time to learn thinking differently.
That's what I'm doing therapy for, but even my therapist sais we're kind of spinning in circles.

I think you can learn to look at this differently.  And in ways that are less painful for you.    I am sure it was discouraging to hear your therapist say that you are spinning in circles but I am confident you can do this.   I am absolutely positive you can do this.   A little work every day and just like CryWolf says it will get better.

And although things have changed I don't know how to stop staring at my phone.

I am going to suggest you put your phone away for a half hour every day.   for 30 minutes put it some place else,... .in a different room,  turn it off.  someplace away from you.    the first time you do it, that might be a little hard, but the next day it will be easier and the day after that it will be much easier, and after a week or so it will be a relief to not have that phone next to you.

As I told you, he sent me those lyrics he wrote and I am still wondering if they were about me or his new girl... .I wonder if I should ask him when I find the right moment, so I can stop thinking about that song or understand its meaning. The question is if there'll ever be a "good moment" as we're barely talking.

my vote would be No, don't ask him what the lyrics mean.   I think asking him will just continue this dysfunctional way of communicating you both have going on.    and because asking him so that you can stop thinking about the song is giving away your power.   you can stop thinking about this.   without him.    you don't need him to feel better.    you can feel better about this lyrics by talking your way through them, with your therapist or here.    it's not his job to make you feel better about something.

I can't just ignore his messages for days the way he does it with mine, cause as soon as he feels ignored, he's really getting mad at me.

and it's not your job to take care of his feelings.   if he feels mad, he feels mad.   it's up to him to find an appropriate way to take care of that.

I think CryWolf wrote you a great message.   Go ahead and read it again.    You do want to empower yourself.   Change how you talk to yourself in your own head.    and yes that is work.   just like training for a marathon or learning how to speak a different language, it's work.   but you can do this.

have you ever seen the movies "The Hunger Games"?    there is a character in the movies that goes through a very difficult experience, and afterwards he is confused, lost, uncertain.   This character asks his friends to tell him Real, or Not Real when he is confused about something and they do that for him.    Just like here on this web site.    

When my relationship ended I felt like the worst person in the world.    I was sure that everyone who knew me hated me.    And that everything that happened in the relationship was entirely my fault.    So I asked myself Real?   Or Not Real?   It felt very very real Faithful.   After a while I knew it was Not Real.

Want to try it?    

If you do everything perfectly, answer all his texts perfectly, never make a mistake again,... your relationship with your boy friend will go back to making you 100% happy.    Real?    Or Not Real?


'ducks

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello CryWolf,

I know I didn't post anything lately, cause I don't know how to help while I'm doing so much worse, but I kept myself updated with your story all the time. I am so sorry you had/have to go through all this. I'm so lucky that at least the man I'm dating at the moment treats me well, I just don't think I am ready for a healthy relationship after all this.

I still don't really get the idea of shifting power.
Isn't it just a really provocative and childish thing to wait 3 days until you reply to a message just because the other person needed 3 days as well? While he's used to getting an answer straight away, isn't it obvious what kind of game I'm playing? I don't wanna play games, I use to wait a few hours, maybe up to a day now and wonder if this ain't too much already for someone who knows I'm with my phone 24/7. At the same time I wonder if my messages are smothering him already.
I'd say it's showing strength that I'm not playing the "I leave you waiting" game the way he does? I don't seek revenge, I just wanna talk, keep up the friendship, keeping things light and friendly. I wouldn't have respect for a person who wants to feel power through holding back messages... .I don't wanna be such a person.

I'm in that "I don't wanna lose him" state. Right now it feels like I have lost him - 2 days without a word after those beautiful beautiful lyrics... .that's really hard! I'm just expecting him to get back to me soon again. I wish I knew his reasons for all this... .wish I could just ask him like I'd ask every other person.

I'm sure I'm disappointing everone here with not making any progress - I wonder if I even wanna progress at all? I just want my favourite person back in my life actually. If I have to give away power for that, that's alright. If I have to regain power for that, I'd do that, too... .my head is spinning at the moment.

Babyducks, I don't know if I can put my phone away. Being away from my phone makes me feel all alone. It means putting away all my friends and family for a while. And him. I don't know if I really want this. My life is a bunch of shards.


About the message to his mum (I've promised him not to tell her that we've seen each other and she has asked me if I've seen him) - I tried to keep my answer indirect, without lying and without saying no... .now she's asking me again, directly and... .I don't know what to say... ! Can't let her wait for three weeks again, can I? And telling her she should just ask him is just so obvious - I feel like being in real trouble here. I have promised him not to tell her and if I only give her a hint and she'll talk to him I'm sure he'll get horribly angry and accuse me of breaking promises again, being someone one can't trust and stop talking to me forever.
I don't wanna destroy everything I've built up again with only one word... .

[babyducks]

I see this differently.    Not texting him, and allowing time to accumulate between contact respects the fact that he is in another relationship and living with that woman.   I don't see it as game playing but a recognition of his new relationship.

[CryWolf]

I just want my favourite person back in my life actually. If I have to give away power for that, that's alright. If I have to regain power for that, I'd do that, too... .my head is spinning at the moment.

I mean this with care and compassion Faithful. I think you need to step back and work on your codependency for your own sake if you want any healthy relationship in the future. Since you've joined and started posting, everything has been about him and his needs instead of yours and how it affects you. It's not healthy, Faithful. 

[FaithfulInLove]

I wanna thank you for your kind answers and that you care so much about me 

The past days I spent much time with the new man I'm seeing. He stopped seeing other girls for me and last week he met my family - he wants me around in every free minute and I do enjoy his company a lot. I do have feelings for him, still I don't feel like a relationship could work out. We both are all open with what's going on, he knows everything and he also knows how fast I'd jump back to xxxxx if I had the chance.
 
When I'm on my own I'm still just thinking of him and crying. The more I'm seeing someone else, the more I feel how special what we had back then was.
We have so much in common and it's different with the man I'm seeing now. Still I want him around and I even start crying very often when I gotta leave after seeing him. I'm all confused... .
I feel like nobody could fill the big gap my ex left in my life. It also doesn't feel fair on *name*. I'm scared that I'm just "rebounding". I never wanna use someone to feel better and I'm not sure if that's what I'm just doing? Can I do anything more than being all honest about my feelings?

Last week I had to see the first selfie of my ex with that new girl. It hurt so much, I have no words.

Communication with him is still at the lowest level. Sometimes it takes him a few days to reply and I don't know why. It calms me that when I'm patient sometime he'll still get back to me with a nice "How are you?" or sharing something small with me. That shows me that I'm not all forgotten and makes me look forward to the next time hearing from him. I really miss having conversations though, talking more than those small non-sense messages every few days... . 
Still I see how much I've reached over the past months. When I remember the time when I thought I'd never hear from him again... .how things are being now is so much better! I'm so much calmer because I still hear from him. I keep giving him space before replying, never more than 24 hours though so he doesn't feel abandoned and I'd never post anything online before I got back to him, so he has no reason to feel ignored. I'm trying my best to handle this situation the best way possible.

Working hard is what I'm really focused on at the moment. I'm close to losing my job because of how anxious I'm being. I hope I'll be able to turn things around, I'm really doing the best I can and fighting.

[babyducks]

FaithfulinLove,

Make a cup of coffee or tea and sit down with me for a while.   I want to ask you to really think about some complicated and complex things.   Can you do that?

I absolutely believe that you feel nobody will fill the gap your ex left in your life.    I totally understand that you are anxious.   There are reasons for that.   Real, significant important reasons.

Here is what I also know because I am further ahead of you down this road.    This is great wisdom through painful experience and I want to share it because I think you are important.

Our feelings are what they are.   they are neither right or wrong.   good or bad.   they just are.   sometimes our feelings create situations that are not helpful.

there is only one, and I mean only ONE way to reach/get in touch with/address our feelings.   that's through our thinking.    let's play with this idea for a while okay?

FaithfulinLove, can you remember the last time you felt excitement?   how about in the future?    is there something you feel excited about in the future?

Now I know to FEEL excitement you had to THINK about something, a certain event, a specific memory.    Our Thinking Creates Our Feelings.

Does that make sense to you?

In your situation, the more you think that you will never be happy with anyone else.   The more you think you don't believe in a happy life without him the more anxious you will become.    It's a vicious cycle, a downward spiral.    It will jeporadize any potential for a friendship with him.  It will make your life more difficult.     

The answer is not in Fixing Him, or Attaching to Him, or Replacing Him.    It's in the hard work of opening yourself up to perspectives, ideas and thoughts from people you are not romatically attached too.  Like your therapist.    People here.    It in the hard work of becoming emotionally stronger.    More resilent and more comfortable with yourself.

Are you ready to start?

'ducks

[CryWolf]

Id love to echo Ducks here.

I was in your position as well Faithful.
I could not imagine a life without my ex. I tried to create situations at school where we'd bump into another. I tried posting pics for her attention. I tried getting close to her friends to get close to her. I did everything I could. I dropped some classes, which put me behind in graduating because i was so consumed by depression and anxiety i could not function. I almost quit my jobs. I cut my arms one night because I was so lost and didnt feel anything in a long time. i dont condone this behaviour, but I am sharing something very personal with you. I lost myself. i lost hope in myself as a person and all that i was.

I didnt give up though. I watched and read everything i could on "get your ex back or "BPD" and fished out right and wrong advice. i talked my ass off to friends and family and whoever I could for answers.

Slowly but surely things started to get better. I wasnt ready to date, but i did anyway. It was amazing. I started to like soemone new and it was a new experience. I still thought about my ex, and i still do today. An hour ago, I saw some pics and cried.

But what i did was choose to move on and learn. i chose to put myself first and stop waiting. If my ex ever came back, she knows how to find me. But I need to be happy myself. I need to be healthy and best version of myself, with or without her. I was too codependent on her. I had this "i cant live without her" mentality. I was too focused on getting her back. Once I shifted that energy, onto making myself a better person. Things started to snowball in my favor.

Although my ex may be with someone new right now, it doesnt mean she doesnt think of me.

I recently had a girl I dated for a month come back and tell me how I was always on her mind.

But Faithful, you can only make changes if you truly want to. I feel like we have been doing the same dance for a few months now. We want you to put yourself first and be happy, but you are putting all your energy into your exBPD and finding validation from him. Its not good for you. Everything is about him, and making sure he doesn't feel this, or think that or do etc. What about, Faithful? What does she feel? How can she feel happy again that doesn't involve someone else giving it to her?

You are about to lose your job. You have a man who wants to be with you, and has shown he cares. Take a step back from your ex and focus on whats in front of you at the moment. Let the ex wonder about you. Like we have mentioned before. You need to have an abundance mindset. What has worked best for me, is taking a step back and letting things come into fruitation. I was so against this at first. I had to act to make something happen. But thats an illusion. With feelings and love, you need to be patient. You need to allow things to take their course sometimes. Not everything is set in stone. Your ex needs to realize what they lost, and they wont when youre always there. Thats how they lose respect too. People dont love someone they dont respect. How do I know? Ive been there.

I was like you before. I thought about every action and reaction and how my ex would react. Once I shifted that energy to myself, I started to become happier. I started doing things my ex never let me do. I fell in love with myself. Thats the most healthiest thing you can do.

[babyducks]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

It's a good link Faithful,  take a look.

[pearlsw]

Hi Faithful,

It's been awhile! I am so glad for the support and insights you are getting here from our family! When people take the time to post and share like this it makes such a huge difference for us all.

I want to echo CryWolf and babyducks, two members who always, always make me think and reconsider my ideas. I so appreciate the kindness and warmth they spread here!

I can share with you, as a person cruising on into middle age, but who started dating seriously at age 17... .that every single time I had a relationship end I was pretty devastated. I never thought I would find anyone who would love me as much as my first boyfriend, or that I would be able to love anyone else... .and I was the one who broke up with him! Compared to what I've dealt with since then it seems rather small, but at the time I just recognized I did not want to spend the next 50 years of my life with him. I did not want to push him to be someone else or to do things he did not want to do in life such as travel or go to college or take any risks or grow very much together.

So, as painful and horrible as it was, and with the notion that I'd never have that kind of a deep connection with anyone ever again, I'd had a crush on him for many years before we dated, I initiated a break up. It was a year long process once it started, with lots of conversations and back and forth, but once I was ready I moved the plan forward. (oh my! counted another way maybe it took me 4 years, but i digress!) We stayed pretty close for a few more years after the breakup, but there was only a slim chance in those first 2-3 years after the break up we could have reconciled. Finally, in time, I moved on when three years later I finally met another "serious" guy.

And guess what? I was totally wrong about breakups! I kept meeting handsome, interesting, loving men who wanted to date me. But each time a relationship would end my mind would break apart again, I would feel incredibly low, and I would think, this will never happen again. I was lucky once, twice, three times, but surely this is the end of the line. But guess what? It never was. It is a problem with my brain. My brain has trouble with the pain of breakups. I hate breakups. They are traumatic. They make me wish life would end. They make me desperately sad and lonely. Even though I enjoy being alone at times, even though I know I could meet someone if I wanted to. My brain always does this - gives me messages that this is the end of romantic love for me.

It's scary. It is scary to lose people. For me it is like death, this kind of loss. It is scary because we lose a way of life and we can't get something back that seemed so big and meant so much. We invest a lot in relationships. But if you take the time to focus on you and focus on your own healing... .you will get better and you will meet another great person to be with some day - if you want to!

And honestly, I hope you don't mind my saying, for the sake of the guy you are seeing now... .If you aren't that into him, consider letting him go. He deserves someone who wants him with all their heart. You don't need him if he is not someone you feel excited about. Just something to consider. It does not sound like the two of you are in sync at all, and he is going to be moving at a much faster pace than you. Your relationship does not sound balanced in terms of desires, hopes or love for each other.

with deep compassion, pearl.

[FaithfulInLove]

I'm a bit speechless, reading all this. You all seem to care so much, thank you...

You see, you're talking to someone crazy here - I don't want to take the focus off him, still... .cause he's what I wanna have back in my life.

Just like you, CryWolf, I'm into all these ex-back programs. I'm wasting my money on them to get advice on my hopeless situation. Those audio books and daily emails are the only thing that can sooth my anxieties a bit. Because in my mind, there is no happy life if it's not with him.

I don't think they've broken up, but at least things aren't going well with that girl, with all I've read on his social media... .After letting me wait for three days he initiated a little conversation with me yesterday. Smallest kind of small talk. I kept it light, short and funny and ended the conversation after a few messages - to "follow the plan".
Since this morning he's back to not answering me. Posting a lot while not talking to me and I wonder if I've brought up something wrong and how many days it'll take this time or if I'll already read him again tonight.

I don't feel excited if it's not about him, babyducks. I don't know what the future holds as I don't even know where I'll be living next month, or in half a year. Depends on if I can keep my job or how fast I'll find something new.

I'll talk this out with my "new partner" pearlsw. As I said, I've been all open about my feelings and he knows why I am crying so much. I'm not keeping secrets. I am hoping myself that I'll be able to feel closer to him soon. What I'm still hoping more is that my ex will feel closer to me soon... .He knows it all.

Thank you all for being there and I'm sorry I can barely accept your advice on here... .all I want is bettering our situation, getting emotionally closer to him again... .

[Radcliff]

FIL,

When you've built your life and all of your thoughts of the future around someone, change does not come easy.  Let me acknowledge that we don't seem to be successful in moving your attention away from him and towards you for the moment.  I'm confident that our advice was well-founded, so I'm not backtracking on it, but let me try to shift a bit to meet you where you are.

Let's assume that your goal someday is to be fully back in a relationship with him.  Can I assume that you want that relationship to be healthy and happy for you?  At the very least not harmful to you?  If so, then you need to make changes to get ready for it.

One of the key things that happens unless we are well prepared for a relationship with a pwBPD is that our sense of self gets eroded.  We didn't just read this in a book -- the folks here have lived it, a few of the folks on this thread for decades.  The sense of self can get eroded to catastrophic levels even for independent people who start out with a strong sense of self.  Here's what worries us, my friend -- you are entering this situation with a weakened sense of self that puts you at risk.  Managing a relationship with a pwBPD without being hurt badly requires the use of tools that we can help you learn.  But to prepare you to succeed in the messy real world, you're going to need confidence and resiliency.

Can you let us help you put some focus on building up your strength?

WW

[Harley Quinn]

In support of Wentworth's reply, I'd like to highlight a section from our excellent article on what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD.  You can read the entire article HERE.

Preserve Your Emotional Health: The intensity of emotional reactions, and the rage take a toll on even the strongest.  Since you cannot escape the natural human impulses to "recoil when raged" upon or "be overly protective" when idealized, it really important to have other outlets / escapes to keep yourself grounded. It's important not to become isolated. It's important to have a significant emotional support system for yourself (e.g., close friends) that goes beyond the relationship.

Understand Why: There are a many reasons to be in BP relationship or to try.  It's a deeply personal decision.  Sometimes the reasons are unhealthy- such as BPD/NPD relationships, BPD/Co-dependent relationship, etc.   It's important to understand your own emotional health and what motivates you to "stay in" and build a life that "evolves around" and has to "continually compensate for" the acts of a destructive person. Many professionals enter therapy when they are treating BPD to stay grounded.  It is a good idea for you too.

Looking at just the above two paragraphs, how prepared do you feel you are right now?  What do you need to do and what are you committed to do in order to be in the position to truly make a r/s like this work if and when you have the opportunity to?

Love and light x

[FaithfulInLove]

I'm going through hell since the break up in September but since then I made big steps already in getting better. I stopped crying so much, no more crying at work and barely crying at home. Yesterday I even started tyding up my messy home. I want to get better. I'm fighting for my job, I'm writing applications to make sure I will have work no matter what.
The relationship with him fulfilled me. What I'm anxious about is losing him. If he stepped closer to me again, I think I could handle his behaviour better this time as I'm learning the tools and I've learned about his illness so much and I see I really did make  mistakes in our relationship.

I have a lot more to say, but no time at the moment, will post more later or tomorrow!

[CryWolf]

I'm going through hell since the break up in September but since then I made big steps already in getting better. I stopped crying so much, no more crying at work and barely crying at home. Yesterday I even started tyding up my messy home.

This is normal Faithful. Embrace everything you feel. Its normal to hurt and cry and feel what you feel. Let it come and feel it. Let it all out. Its okay to get some Ben&Jerrys and watch the notebook. I did .

I dreaded going to work and didnt want any human interaction while I was hurting. Slowly it gets better. You cant rush your feelings. 

The relationship with him fulfilled me. What I'm anxious about is losing him. If he stepped closer to me again, I think I could handle his behaviour better this time as I'm learning the tools and I've learned about his illness so much and I see I really did make  mistakes in our relationship.

Faithful, what many of us are trying to say is that you are looking to much into finding your own happiness and self worth by your BPDEX. It's normal to have fears of losing an ex. I was there too. I put my exBPD on a pedestal, it was unhealthy. I took most of the blame, and blamed myself for not knowing the tools. For not being able to understand her in the time being. But like a member here said a few months ago, "You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time" I looked back onto my relationship and I did do a lot for my ex. A lot of which I wish I did differently, but I finally accepted not to take all the blame. Not fix everything. I learned to stop being selfish and putting my wants first. "I want them back" This is so unhealthy, because you disregaurd your exes feelings. They are human too, and all you care about is getting them back and forcing something with them when their feelings are somewhere else. Thats why it is important for the person who leaves, to come back on their terms. Why would you want to beg and show someone your worth? If someone doesnt want to be in your life, it should be their loss.

It took me a while to come to this point in my life. Checking your exes social media and reading into messages is only holding you back. You are prolonging the pain and hurt by clinging on to any thing that involves him, just for a small dose of hope. Its very unhealthy, Faithful. You need to come first in your life. You need find happiness and fulfillment without relying on people for it. Once you come to this realization, you start to see life in a whole new perspective. You attract healthier people, new opportunities, things become more positive.

You have two options Faithful:
1) Choose to linger, check social media and wait. --> prolongs the pain and halts progression in moving forward

2)Radical acceptance. ----> accept the situation, respect your ex is with someone new/and doesnt want to be with you at the time. (YES, this hurts to accept and think about. It hurts to think about a life without someone you love). Learn from your relationship, and grow into a better version of Faithful.

Neither option guarantees whether your ex will come back or not come back. Your ex coming back has to solely be their idea. It has to be up to them and realizing how life without you isnt what they wanted. You need to allow him for this to happen. But you haven't. You are waiting and he knows you are waiting. He texts you and contacts you when its convenient for him. Why tolerate that? Why be at someones disposal?

Love is correlated to drug addiction. You feel the high from drugs, and you do the same from someone you love. You are waiting for a reply from him, which is your fix. Then he goes MIA and you start feening for another fix. You start having withdrawals. Then you go on his social media for any connection just to soothe that anxiety/craving you have. Then you hurt yourself by seeing what he's posting. Then you're anxious again and need answers, and what this/that means.

If your ex were to come back right now, I dont think you are ready for a healthy relationship where co-dependency doesnt exist. I dont mean this to hurt you, but Im hoping to get across to you in a way that empowers you to be the best/healthiest version of yourself. Because if your ex doesnt come back, you want to be healthy and ready for someone better. You never know what can happen in life, Faithful. But its best to be prepared for any possible outcome.

What do you think?

[Radcliff]

Thanks for your update!  I'm glad to hear of the progress you've made!  Many of us have found our focus on work faltering in the midst of managing life with a pwBPD, or in the aftermath of a BPD relationship.  I think that's an extension of the fact that we often stop taking care of ourselves as we should.  It sounds like you are leaning in to shore things up at work, which is great.  Keep it up!

We have all made mistakes.  This time away from him is an excellent time to beef up your skills.

I can relate to the messy home thing.  Tidying up for me is therapeutic, and when I let things go, it's a sign of my inner state.  Hmmm... .I have some cleaning to do today

Let us know how you're doing when you have more time!

WW

[zachira]

You are in a lot of pain because you would like to get back with your ex and feel lost without him. I was wondering if you would write us a list of every single reason you want to get back with your ex. Please take some time to think of everything that matters and then post. We are here to listen and support you, no matter what the reasons you have to return with your ex. We just want to make sure we really understand, and there have been many back and forth discussions so a thorough list might really help at this point. We are here to support you and listen to your feelings and thoughts.

[FaithfulInLove]

I am sorry, it's so much going on, I barely get round to post here!
I am in much closer contact with my ex by now and I am feeling much better

I really am doing the best I can - got all my laundry done, my bathroom cleaned - things I didn't really get to do on the worst days.
Things are getting better at work too. My boss came to me yesterday, telling me she was surprised by me in a positive way, she has seen how hard I've been working the past weeks. I really am getting better, really am making an effort and hope I'll get the chance to stay there for now.

He's reaching out every few hours, being really nice and polite, asking questions - everything's really light between us.
What he said is that he kicked a "horrible person" out of his life, that he enjoys being single for now and that he's moving in with his brother... .I never saw him as a liar but I'm careful here as his Facebook is still saying that he's in a relationship and she is in his picture - maybe things just ain't going well between them and that's why he's moving out? I can't tell, but it makes me unbelievably happy that he's talking to me more again cause as I said, a friendship would make me happy if we can't fix this relationship.

Can you help me with some advice for building some new trust from here?


A list why I want to get back together with my ex? What comes to my mind spontaneously is:

He's the one I feel most connected to and I have strong feelings for that I fail to develop for anyone else
We share many random interests and hobbys - that's rare!
We have beautiful memories together
I appreciate him as a person as he's so caring and giving and I see his good intentions
I still wanna do all the beautiful things we've planned together
I am ready to make things better and avoid the mistakes I made before I knew what's going on with him
I am fighting my own anxieties and think I am able to handle his emotions in a better way now
I think that under the surface he misses me too, especially now that he's reaching out daily

I think this is something I said a million times on here, but there is a special connection between us I don't wanna lose, he is really important to me as a person


I am not really sure what I think. I wanna turn things around - while I'm trying to accept thing getting better really SLOWLY. Trying to hold back with fast replies while I'm also trying to deepen the conversation without giving it too much of investment.
Since we're back in touch a lot of anxiety is gone and communication between us has been nothing but positive.


Thank you all for your support, and again, sorry for my silence, it's all a lot for me at the moment with work, therapy, household and the newest developments 

[zachira]

Thank you for sharing with us all the reasons you want to get back with your ex. It is understandable given the reasons you have listed why you would want to be with someone like him. You may be able to get him back, and it may not be possible. The important thing here is you know what you want, and there are other wonderful men out there. The key is being the kind of person that this kind of man would want, and you seem to be doing everything you can to be the right kind of woman for this type of man. Please keep in mind that we can want a person more than they want us, and this can in turn make this person less interested. Keep up the balance in your life: Know that as long as you keep being the best person you can be and trying to be realistic, not seeing through rose colored glasses which is what we often do in relationships, you will be rewarded in unexpected ways though there will always be heartbreaking challenges. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[flourdust]

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