She contacted again...I caved in (feeling stupid)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex contacted me several times over the course of the past few days.  After she told she was being engaged, and was happy I accepted it. I was trying to do the right thing. I think its really hard to be friends wit the situation I was put in. Don’t get me wrong. I am trying to be happy for her and I’m meeting new people as well. It’s to help with my introvertness, but I don’t know what I was thinking I picked up just to see what she had to say. She said she wanted to catch up and ask how I’m doing and when I’m going to give my boards. Then she asked why I didnt pick up and its been a month since we spoke, and how its okay it just didnt work out. And how she misses me, and then asked who i was on the phone with for an hour since it was busy, and I was just like ignorning and then just told her how i was on hold for tech support (wasnt lying sadly). Then she was like she misses me and she knows I miss her too. Then the weird part is shes like its still not to late to change things I dont know what that meant and then I was like I think every person has a purpose, my purpose was until this point, you got your thing now and I got mine and shes like your purpose as a friend is still not over yet and i was just quiet and ignored it. Then she was like you said you were not like the others and you wouldnt leave and I told her I never said I was leaving, and then she was like okay so then stop telinf me to not call I was like I didnt stop you from anything, I just think that you should not hold expectations from me. And I honestly wanted to nap so i kept saying we’ll talk soon. And eventually she was like alright I’ll call you in an hour or two, okay, I was like yeah, and then took my nap. I woke up now and realized that really happened. I feel like I let my guard down. It’s not even about the feeling aspect, I just don’t see anything coming out of it. I’m no homewrecker and i’m not trying to be someone’s second option. They say it takes two to tango, but with BPD, one is enough. Thoughts? I know I can’t change this, but I want to have no attachments. I’ve become numb, I try to believe its all a lie

[Struggler123]

My ex contacted me several times over the course of the past few days.  After she told she was being engaged, and was happy I accepted it. I was trying to do the right thing. I think its really hard to be friends wit the situation I was put in. Don’t get me wrong. I am trying to be happy for her and I’m meeting new people as well. It’s to help with my introvertness, but I don’t know what I was thinking I picked up just to see what she had to say. She said she wanted to catch up and ask how I’m doing and when I’m going to give my boards. Then she asked why I didnt pick up and its been a month since we spoke, and how its okay it just didnt work out. And how she misses me, and then asked who i was on the phone with for an hour since it was busy, and I was just like ignorning and then just told her how i was on hold for tech support (wasnt lying sadly). Then she was like she misses me and she knows I miss her too. Then the weird part is shes like its still not to late to change things I dont know what that meant and then I was like I think every person has a purpose, my purpose was until this point, you got your thing now and I got mine and shes like your purpose as a friend is still not over yet and i was just quiet and ignored it. Then she was like you said you were not like the others and you wouldnt leave and I told her I never said I was leaving, and then she was like okay so then stop telinf me to not call I was like I didnt stop you from anything, I just think that you should not hold expectations from me. And I honestly wanted to nap so i kept saying we’ll talk soon. And eventually she was like alright I’ll call you in an hour or two, okay, I was like yeah, and then took my nap. I woke up now and realized that really happened. I feel like I let my guard down. It’s not even about the feeling aspect, I just don’t see anything coming out of it. I’m no homewrecker and i’m not trying to be someone’s second option. They say it takes two to tango, but with BPD, one is enough. Thoughts? I know I can’t change this, but I want to have no attachments. I’ve become numb, I try to believe its all a lie

[Cromwell]

Oh the drama.

We in civilised society try to avoid conflict at all cost, yet read and write about it all the time, millions tune in and the same stories ive found have 3 acts to them.

in yours,

Act 1; the heros compulsion to help a damsel in distress
Act 2: the hero encounters a number of obstacles leading up to a seemingly unsurmountable obstacle
Act 3: he surmounts that seemingly unsurmountable obstacle and saves her

except, thats my cinematic version of what it would play out as, watching as a viewer and expecting as the outcome. but in real life, you are the one having to do the actual fighting whilst im watching. Your in the conflict, and who is encouraging you?

At the same time I have the 3 Acts of what is going on in her side line movie, another hero fighting a battle, involved in conflict. trying to surmount the insurmountable.

virtually all that I ever watch follows this format, my own followed this format, when I write about it here people can read it, try to vicariously imagine it based on the script, but I was the one doing the battling, in the midst of the conflict, and still the Act 3 just never seems to conclude, 300 something posts in.

You know what she is doing right? Getting two to fight over her. Part of the game is, hinting towards your lack of self esteem by the idea of fleeing from the battle she has created. The idea that you may not win but at least it wouldnt compare with the pain a coward might feel. Its why I ended up beating someone up. I was right in so many ways, except for one most crucial aspect;

Some things are not worth fighting for.

That is what you show her really, each time you show that disinterest. Shes baiting you back in with the "its still not to late to change things", they keep 2 guys fighting over them then choose one after or ideally keep the triangle going as long as possible, that is the best win scenario, but most difficult. 2 sources of simultaneous supply, plus at least one to fall back on if one part discards.

You arent a coward, you already fought the battle and risked yourself, got hurt, and realised (i think) that it wasnt ultimately worth it. Its like being shot at, yet still realising your alive, its not cowardly to duck down.

Id ask you to ask yourself, is she worth fighting for? I battled and exhausted and continually hurt myself because I believed she was. Thats the only reason. I have veteran status. It turned out she wasnt worth it, I just didnt realise, I was fighting based on propaganda, a false cause.

Your not stupid, you know whats going on, she comes across to me as a manipulator. What arrogance to tell you that "your purpose as a friend is not over yet", arrogant that comes across as, made me pretty angry, I have to log out for today struggler.

I really could read your story, or feel totally tuned in and feel for what you are battling up against with at the moment.

[Mutt]

Hi Struggler123,

I agree with Cromwell she's trying to create an exit plan for her current r/s she means exactly what she's saying.

Then the weird part is shes like its still not to late to change things I dont know what that meant

What about you what do you want?

[Struggler123]

Oh the drama.

We in civilised society try to avoid conflict at all cost, yet read and write about it all the time, millions tune in and the same stories ive found have 3 acts to them.

in yours,

Act 1; the heros compulsion to help a damsel in distress
Act 2: the hero encounters a number of obstacles leading up to a seemingly unsurmountable obstacle
Act 3: he surmounts that seemingly unsurmountable obstacle and saves her

except, thats my cinematic version of what it would play out as, watching as a viewer and expecting as the outcome. but in real life, you are the one having to do the actual fighting whilst im watching. Your in the conflict, and who is encouraging you?

At the same time I have the 3 Acts of what is going on in her side line movie, another hero fighting a battle, involved in conflict. trying to surmount the insurmountable.

virtually all that I ever watch follows this format, my own followed this format, when I write about it here people can read it, try to vicariously imagine it based on the script, but I was the one doing the battling, in the midst of the conflict, and still the Act 3 just never seems to conclude, 300 something posts in.

You know what she is doing right? Getting two to fight over her. Part of the game is, hinting towards your lack of self esteem by the idea of fleeing from the battle she has created. The idea that you may not win but at least it wouldnt compare with the pain a coward might feel. Its why I ended up beating someone up. I was right in so many ways, except for one most crucial aspect;

Some things are not worth fighting for.

That is what you show her really, each time you show that disinterest. Shes baiting you back in with the "its still not to late to change things", they keep 2 guys fighting over them then choose one after or ideally keep the triangle going as long as possible, that is the best win scenario, but most difficult. 2 sources of simultaneous supply, plus at least one to fall back on if one part discards.

You arent a coward, you already fought the battle and risked yourself, got hurt, and realised (i think) that it wasnt ultimately worth it. Its like being shot at, yet still realising your alive, its not cowardly to duck down.

Id ask you to ask yourself, is she worth fighting for? I battled and exhausted and continually hurt myself because I believed she was. Thats the only reason. I have veteran status. It turned out she wasnt worth it, I just didnt realise, I was fighting based on propaganda, a false cause.

Your not stupid, you know whats going on, she comes across to me as a manipulator. What arrogance to tell you that "your purpose as a friend is not over yet", arrogant that comes across as, made me pretty angry, I have to log out for today struggler.

I really could read your story, or feel totally tuned in and feel for what you are battling up against with at the moment.

Cromwell, you always know what to say. I feel like we actually could be best buds haha. I’m sorry if I brought back bad memories, the things she said really angered me. I was very calm and half asleep to really focus on it but, I was surprised at myself for actually still trying to be the bigger person and try to show empathy. I’m really grateful that I posted here, because you spoke the words I was beating around the bush. I know what I have to do, I just really wish it were different. It always feels like a movie, one where I just want to press the off button and do my normal routine. I remember posting here with only ten posts and now as time went on I cant even recall the number. I honestly think that we are good people just met with the wrong people. It’s like the truth is hitting me in the face but, im still trying to handle it in the logical way. Like you said, its trying to provoke a reaction.  Honestly, Mutt I just want to be left alone for sometime its like you know how you get into an argument and you vent and then after venting you breathe the fresh air. I was going to my fresh air but, its become difficult to breathe again. People say you can be friends with your ex etc but, I don’t understand how. I remember a girl that liked me and I brushed her off and after that she was gone like the wind. Now If that doesn’t display boundaries then I dont know I mean sure she was immature about that but I see her from time to time and she still acts normal like you know an aquitance and I suppose thats what I want no fights, no arguments, just pure peace. As cromwell said, some battles you need to throw in the towel, this isnt one where I will walk out without being scarred. Its about cutting your losses and accepting it. I’m sure she will find supply elsewhere. It’s time to battle the problems I have in my life not hers. I’ll be where I need to be one way or another. Thanks Cromwell, I’m sorry for everythinf you went through. But if it means anything, you saved a wounded soldier.

[Shawnlam]

My ex contacted me several times over the course of the past few days.  After she told she was being engaged, and was happy I accepted it. I was trying to do the right thing. I think its really hard to be friends wit the situation I was put in. Don’t get me wrong. I am trying to be happy for her and I’m meeting new people as well. It’s to help with my introvertness, but I don’t know what I was thinking I picked up just to see what she had to say. She said she wanted to catch up and ask how I’m doing and when I’m going to give my boards. Then she asked why I didnt pick up and its been a month since we spoke, and how its okay it just didnt work out. And how she misses me, and then asked who i was on the phone with for an hour since it was busy, and I was just like ignorning and then just told her how i was on hold for tech support (wasnt lying sadly). Then she was like she misses me and she knows I miss her too. Then the weird part is shes like its still not to late to change things I dont know what that meant and then I was like I think every person has a purpose, my purpose was until this point, you got your thing now and I got mine and shes like your purpose as a friend is still not over yet and i was just quiet and ignored it. Then she was like you said you were not like the others and you wouldnt leave and I told her I never said I was leaving, and then she was like okay so then stop telinf me to not call I was like I didnt stop you from anything, I just think that you should not hold expectations from me. And I honestly wanted to nap so i kept saying we’ll talk soon. And eventually she was like alright I’ll call you in an hour or two, okay, I was like yeah, and then took my nap. I woke up now and realized that really happened. I feel like I let my guard down. It’s not even about the feeling aspect, I just don’t see anything coming out of it. I’m no homewrecker and i’m not trying to be someone’s second option. They say it takes two to tango, but with BPD, one is enough. Thoughts? I know I can’t change this, but I want to have no attachments. I’ve become numb, I try to believe its all a lie

I wish I had the credibility to even help you in your situation.As I read this it actually pisses me off that she has put you in this situation.Playing a game with two individuals (don’t really care about the other guy) ,for her own emotional satisfaction is pure arrogance and the ultimate definition of self centered.Im sorry your going through with this play she has you in,your emotions must me ... .simply tired of all this? I know you will do what’s best for you ,just know other people on here are reading your story and hoping for the best for you.Honestly if she truely loves you she’d never  would have done this to you... .just remember that.

Regards Shawn

[Struggler123]

I wish I had the credibility to even help you in your situation.As I read this it actually pisses me off that she has put you in this situation.Playing a game with two individuals (don’t really care about the other guy) ,for her own emotional satisfaction is pure arrogance and the ultimate definition of self centered.Im sorry your going through with this play she has you in,your emotions must me ... .simply tired of all this? I know you will do what’s best for you ,just know other people on here are reading your story and hoping for the best for you.Honestly if she truely loves you she’d never  would have done this to you... .just remember that.

Regards Shawn

I hope your doing good Shawn. You are right I should not have been in that situation, but I think that it was always about her needs and thats a reality I wasn’t willing to accept. As weird as this gonna sound I have mixed feelings, for what I’m gonna say next. She just blocked me out of the blue, after our last conversation from 3-4 days ago, so I’m assuming it was just an impulse as usual. I think that it’s probably for the best, and gives me another reason to never respond to her again. It’s always about control, and this too is no different,  its the more I think about it the more I realize how much we tend to disregard reality.

[Red5]

Good Morning Struggler 123,

Sounds to me that she is doing a classic BPD move, she is engaged now?, and she is reaching back to you, like Mutt says, until the new supply is hardwired in, got to keep reaching back to the old supply just in case, got to have an escape plan she does... .be careful.

Kind Regards, Red5

[babyducks]

As weird as this gonna sound I have mixed feelings, for what I’m gonna say next. She just blocked me out of the blue, after our last conversation from 3-4 days ago, so I’m assuming it was just an impulse as usual. I think that it’s probably for the best, and gives me another reason to never respond to her again. It’s always about control, and this too is no different,  its the more I think about it the more I realize how much we tend to disregard reality.

people with BPD have an unstable/insufficient sense of self.    they feel empty or invisible when alone.   they have a fear of abandonment from the person they are currently with.    they fear engulfment or enmeshment into the person they are with.   they fear their needs for complete unconditional love won't get met.

to 'manage' those fears they use very maladaptive techniques

Then she was like you said you were not like the others and you wouldnt leave and I told her I never said I was leaving, and then she was like okay so then stop telinf me to not call I was like I didnt stop you from anything,

my suggestion would be to turn the focus away from her, her emotions and towards yourself.

I would suggest you work to create stronger emotional boundaries, work to not personalize her behavior, work to become very strong and stable in your own thoughts and feelings.

create an emotional boundary, a emotional wall between her actions and your feelings.    don't rehash the past relationship,  don't revisit either the break up or the good times when in conversation with her.    keep your conversations brief, cordial but not friendly.    diffuse emotional difficult topics by saying I can't talk about that right now.

if she is attempting to manage the chaos of her own feelings by push/pulling you,  I would suggest you try very hard to not enable that.

make sense?

[Struggler123]

Good Morning Struggler 123,

Sounds to me that she is doing a classic BPD move, she is engaged now?, and she is reaching back to you, like Mutt says, until the new supply is hardwired in, got to keep reaching back to the old supply just in case, got to have an escape plan she does... .be careful.

Kind Regards, Red5

Hello Red5, yes apparently and it was very shaky considered it happened all so fast or as I like to recall i was told in a matter of “days.” But thats insignificant, as to how long she was in touch to try to get to know the new guy who knows. You are right, it was just an impulse as after our phone conversation 3 days later (yesterday) I was blocked. I stopped trying to figure out the tactics and It just feels different now, I don’t blame her as one way or another it was gonna lead to this. Hopefully, by doing this she can feel better.

people with BPD have an unstable/insufficient sense of self.    they feel empty or invisible when alone.   they have a fear of abandonment from the person they are currently with.    they fear engulfment or enmeshment into the person they are with.   they fear their needs for complete unconditional love won't get met.

to 'manage' those fears they use very maladaptive techniques

my suggestion would be to turn the focus away from her, her emotions and towards yourself.

I would suggest you work to create stronger emotional boundaries, work to not personalize her behavior, work to become very strong and stable in your own thoughts and feelings.

create an emotional boundary, a emotional wall between her actions and your feelings.    don't rehash the past relationship,  don't revisit either the break up or the good times when in conversation with her.    keep your conversations brief, cordial but not friendly.    diffuse emotional difficult topics by saying I can't talk about that right now.

if she is attempting to manage the chaos of her own feelings by push/pulling you,  I would suggest you try very hard to not enable that.

make sense?

Hello Babyducks,

You are certainly right and I honestly did just that in our phone conversation. She would bring up stuff in the past and I just told her that I made mistakes and thats okay. It happens. Shes got her own thing and I got my own. Then just some of thr stuff she said in the early posts of this thread I just ignored and acted like I didnt hear them. But, I’m assuming its over for good considering she blocked me. And hopefully that works for her, just gives me another reason not to talk to her. Thoughts?

[babyducks]

Struggler123

But, I’m assuming its over for good considering she blocked me.

In my opinion she'll continue to make contact as long as there is an emotional payoff for her.

for a pwBPD, who has trouble self soothing and is impulsive; any attention is a good thing.    she's getting something out of it.    a place to dump her unresolved and intense emotions.

She would bring up stuff in the past and I just told her that I made mistakes and thats okay.

she's using you and your conversation to soothe her emotions.     she's misses you (natural),  she feels badly about the break up (natural)   she has poor personal boundaries and impaired executive functioning skills so she reaches out to you to help her feel better.   

three days later she felt bad, perhaps guilty, hard to say for sure.   but upset enough that she blocked you.    she's soothing her feelings by going in a different direction.   my best guess is that she was thinking 'oh I am a bad person,  I should not have contacted Struggler123 because of ______________ (fill in the blank)   I'll fix that by making sure I never do that again'.


it's a serious mental illness.    as hard as it is to see.   it's not personal.   it often feels very directed as us, but I believe lots of the behavior is about trying to survive the catastrophe of not being whole/

my two cents

'ducks

[Struggler123]

Struggler123

In my opinion she'll continue to make contact as long as there is an emotional payoff for her.

for a pwBPD, who has trouble self soothing and is impulsive; any attention is a good thing.    she's getting something out of it.    a place to dump her unresolved and intense emotions.

she's using you and your conversation to soothe her emotions.     she's misses you (natural),  she feels badly about the break up (natural)   she has poor personal boundaries and impaired executive functioning skills so she reaches out to you to help her feel better.   

three days later she felt bad, perhaps guilty, hard to say for sure.   but upset enough that she blocked you.    she's soothing her feelings by going in a different direction.   my best guess is that she was thinking 'oh I am a bad person,  I should not have contacted Struggler123 because of ______________ (fill in the blank)   I'll fix that by making sure I never do that again'.


it's a serious mental illness.    as hard as it is to see.   it's not personal.   it often feels very directed as us, but I believe lots of the behavior is about trying to survive the catastrophe of not being whole/

my two cents

'ducks

Honestly, your post made a lot of sense. The truth is that as hard as it is to accept it, We were both keen on opposite ideas. I was trying to teach her patience and she was trying to show me how her needs matter more. The constant emptiness she had, she thought could be fulfilled but the truth is that no matter what I did. It was never going to be enough. In no way do I blame her, she gave me some of the best moments and I’m glad.  It could have been a worse break up but I did everything to keep it clean. I really wish at times, I could have changed things but marriage isnt the cure to BPD. I know its not personal, but I just think that sometimes the best thing to do is just let go. It doesn’t mean that i’m angry at her, i’m not, i just don’t want to be the homewrecker. Her engagement is her choice, and she should be responsible if it works or not, I don’t want to be the reason it doesn’t work. I wish her the best. What do you think? I feel like if I had married her it wouldnt have changed the outcome.

[babyducks]

Struggler123

I was trying to teach her patience and she was trying to show me how her needs matter more.

What I learned here, from an old time member, was that the 'needs' of someone with BPD are not garden variety ordinary needs.    Her needs define her feelings of self worth, her concept of self, her identity.   Basically and over simplifying, her needs made her who/what she was and denying them was like dying to her.     Her needs would have always come first,  your needs would only have been considered if they some how supported or matched hers.

The constant emptiness she had, she thought could be fulfilled but the truth is that no matter what I did. It was never going to be enough.

pwBPD have to keep an awful lot of balls in the air, trying to feel 'good'.  living with harmfully intense emotions that swing rapidly creates a lot of confusion.   for us.   and for them if you think about it.   it's got to be hard to know what and who you like if your emotions are swinging that far.    the constant emptiness that can't be filled up, like a bucket with a hole in it, is pretty common.    BPD exists on a spectrum.    still the huge constant need for attention, reassurance, affection, contact is often at the bedrock of problems.   no one can be there for someone else 100% of the time.    it's not possible.    people smarter than me have suggested that pwBPD are looking for, craving the love they did not get as an infant.   trying to recreate or re-live the mother child bond.   I dunno about that but I can see the pattern.

Her engagement is her choice, and she should be responsible if it works or not, I don’t want to be the reason it doesn’t work. I wish her the best. What do you think? I feel like if I had married her it wouldnt have changed the outcome.

it's a serious mental illness.    it is not a matter of turning on or off a switch.   it takes a long dedicated effort to recover, and recovery is not an absence of symptoms but more a management of symptoms.

wishing her the best is a generous and kind thing to do.   I'm glad you can find that within.

if she marries she will be entering a high conflict relationship, in the clinical sense of the words, with some serious challenges.    the stress of being in a relationship will be difficult for her.    it will fire off fears of abandonment.    the day her needs don't get met, will cause her to panic.    

My Ex (diagnosed Bipolar 1 comorbid with BPD and in treatment) told me once that "the part of her that never really rested was only still when she was with me."     And that worked right up until it didn't.    One day that part of her that never really rested couldn't be still when she was with me.   to her that meant the relationship was broken.    it was over.     how that all played out looked different but the restless never still part couldn't cope with anything less than perfection.     none of us are perfect.

could you have changed the outcome,   maybe,  maybe not.    How much could you have changed the outcome?   It really depends on too many variables.   where she is on the spectrum,   how self aware you both are, how much damage had already been done to the relationship.

these are tough relationships,   they tend to open old wounds for us.    hang in there and keep looking for answers.

'ducks

[Red5]

BPD exists on a spectrum.    

Still the huge constant need for attention, reassurance, affection, contact is often at the bedrock of problems.  

No one can be there for someone else 100% of the time, it's not possible.    

People smarter than me have suggested that pwBPD are looking for, craving the love they did not get as an infant.   trying to recreate or re-live the mother child bond.  

I dunno about that but I can see the pattern.

It's a serious mental illness, it is not a matter of turning on or off a switch.  

It takes a long dedicated effort to recover, and recovery is not an absence of symptoms but more a management of symptoms.

Wishing her the best is a generous and kind thing to do, I'm glad you can find that within.

Ducks, you nailed it!

"It's a serious mental illness, it is not a matter of turning on or off a switch.  

It takes a long dedicated effort to recover, and recovery is not an absence of symptoms but more a management of symptoms."

As I learn more, and now know what I "think I know"... .the prognosis is not good; and or promising, .even if my u/BPD wife were to come to "come to terms/acceptance"; and seek some kind of therapy (DBT?)... .which in my heart of hearts, I know will never happen due to her perceived position on the spectrum, .no; she is only going to wax worse and worse in her behaviors, .and over time, as she ages, she is going to be more and more like what her own Grandmother , and Mother were, and are like... .as were described to me by herself, and her (foo) family,

So, .

Speaking from the confines of marriage (caretaker) here, I have come to think of this as an honorable form of surrender, I read a while back on another thread as this being perhaps called “radical acceptance”.

I also read somewhere here the other day something along the lines of…” once you accept that the very worst may indeed come to pass, then your frame of mind (acceptance) makes you quite invincible (protected) from what may actually come to pass.

If the relationship with pw/BPD does end, then let them walk out under their own power and with dignity, and knowing unto yourself now why things played out in the manner that they did.

Yes, wish them the best, smile and say “safe travels & good luck”… but then change all the locks!

Once a life lesson is learnt the hard way, it is much easier to remember suspect life lesson.

Red5

[Skip]

Then the weird part is
shes like its still not to late to change things
I dont know what that meant and then
I was like I think every person has a purpose, my purpose was until this point, you got your thing now and I got mine and shes like
your purpose as a friend is still not over yet and
i was just quiet and ignored it. Then she was like
you said you were not like the others and you wouldnt leave and
I told her I never said I was leaving, and then she was like
okay so then stop telinf me to not call I was like
I didnt stop you from anything, I just think that you should not hold expectations from me.

Struggler123, I think she is clear on what she wants. She misses your adoration, friendship, etc. She likes you. She wants to get married. Given the choice of waiting for you or having an arranged marriage she took the arranged marriage... .but she has more connection and history with you.

What is she saying... .she wants you to either 1) put a ring on her finger or 2) be a friend while she works through her arranged engagement/marriage.

What are you saying... .1) I'll never leave you, 2) I'll be your friend. 3) I'm avoiding you.

You both are giving acting "wishy-washy" and giving each other mixed signals.

This is one of those times where yo have to be strong... .either in keeping the conversation light and friendly or in closing the door.

Right now you are swimming in the indecisiveness as you like her, but she is engaged, and turning this around is very risky.

[Struggler123]

  babyducks

Thank you for your input babyducks.

Sometimes the hardest part is accepting that, in some ways we were responsible for trying to think that we could fulfill all these needs. The idea of being superheros should have been left to the comics. I have see so much of the resemblance everytime I read about the stories on this forum. I think about and then realize could these have stories actually happened to me considering all the similarities. In no way am I saying all BPD’s are the same they aren’t. I still believe my ex was a great person, because thats a reflection of my character. But, I just couldn’t give her something I wasn’t ready for. In some ways, did that trigger rejection? I most definitely understand that now. But, when two people look at a glass in two opposite views, half full or empty. It leads to conflicts. I turned a blind eye and that was my fault. It’s like performing the same experiment trying to get different results. It’s kind of sad but all the things that I felt were mean that she did, my memory forgot all about them, I only remember the good things and that makes me question my own validity, and how this false identity never existed. That explains why she really was a brilliant actor, on stage when she performed and in real life.

  Red5

Thank you for your input Red5,  based on everything I read and prior knowledge. BPD is more about managing the symptoms, and thats not the issue. The issue is trying to make sure the person stays in therapy and follows the treatment. The minute this balance is interuptted, the person transforms into someone else. I apologize for asking this question, but the one thing that always got to me with my ex was that she would always break up and then eventually she would just be like im leaving etc. In a marriage, doesnt the thought of your BPD SO leaving scare you? I felt like that was a deal breaker for me, Even in a normal marriage, the partner can leave whenever but with BPD i felt like the chances are 10000x greater. Because the minute the needs arent fulfilled the person is replaced with someone that can and its a vicious cycle. I felt like my ex wanted that security that I’d never leave her because she knew I’d take my vows seriously and she tried everything, and I guess at the end, she thought that let me try this. And I guess when this too didnt work, she felt bad and upset. I dont take it personally, but I think to myself like wow, thats really sad. I’d never do that to anyone. Eventually the ultimatiums would have crashed down, when I would have said that I can’t do this or do that, I really do wish it were different though.

  Skip

Hello Skip.

I never really thought about it that way. I just felt like she was over me. In our initial closure, last month, I asked her if there was anything I could do and if she was happy with the new guy? She explicity told me yes and I did have a moment where I broke down. I promised myself, I would never let that happen again. I still gave her my best wishes, but I couldn’t be a part of it because I wasn’t ready to be her friend. As hard as it is to say this, I don’t want to be the second option when I always kept her as my first. I just think that its a temporary impulse and once shes engaged/married all of that history will go away, and she will most likely get rid of me with something like, it was nice to know you but I gotta move on. That’s completely okay, but am I wrong to ask for a break? I did everything she wanted me to.  I do agree the signals are mixed and thats wrong. I guess I just need to clear out my options as well as you listed, but at the moment I can’t give a straight forward answer to what I want at the cloudiness. I know what I don’t want, to give everything and be left with nothing. And to be honest, I don’t want to be a homewrecker, she clearly made her decision and then blamed me for it. It’s just really sad sometimes. She blocked me 3 days after our phone conversation, so It probably was just an impulse. Thoughts?

[Shawnlam]

My Ex (diagnosed Bipolar 1 comorbid with BPD and in treatment) told me once that "the part of her that never really rested was only still when she was with me."     And that worked right up until it didn't.    One day that part of her that never really rested couldn't be still when she was with me.   to her that meant the relationship was broken.    it was over.     how that all played out looked different but the restless never still part couldn't cope with anything less than perfection.     none of us are perfect.

To your quote from your BPD ,I always kinda wondered if that’s what happened to us.That anxious unfulfilled feeling they didn’t have at the beginning with all of us ,that eventually came back and in turn ended these relationships.Then as they forget why it ended and only remember at some point we provided them with relieve,they come back to get it again? Crazy stuff huh