How do you cope

[lovelyj]

Hello, it’s me again.

I’m posting because I’m just desperate to reach out to others who’ve gone through similar experiences. I’m really struggling and I’d just like to hear from others what they’ve done to help themselves cope with after effects from being raised by a BPD parent?

As a child my mom was verbally abusive and she conditioned me to feel bad basically for anything I did for myself and I was always taking care of her from the time I could remember. Well now as an adult I’m not sure how to break that cycle. She’s nicer to me now, she doesn’t really rage at me very often but I wonder if that’s because I do everything she wants. I’m always worried I will make her angry or depressed or set her off so a lot of times I do things for her out of guilt without realizing. I’m 29 but I still feel so young and inexperienced and like I’m still the child she has control of. My mom has phobias, anxiety, depression etc and she uses them as a crutch. She has my dad and myself do most things for her, she has no friends, she doesn’t drive, she texts me everyday, she uses me a lot for emotional support. She knows I struggle and she now says things like I didn’t mean to affect you as a child, I loved you more than anything. But as a child she constantly berated me, she would follow me around the house screaming at me for any little thing I did wrong... .for instance, touching any windows because she didn’t want fingerprints on them. She often told me to get away from her if I wanted a hug or affection etc but now she says how much she misses me as a child, that those were the best times in her life. So it’s like she doesn’t remember what it was really like? It’s confusing and I even feel bad for writing this feeling that my experiences are not as bad as others who’ve been raised by a BPD parent or maybe I’m remembering things incorrectly.

I have a decent life, a baby boy, a husband, good friendships, nice job, etc but I struggle so badly. I am always feeling bad for things I do, and I can’t shake the feeling that deep down I’m still continuing to live and care for my mother. I am in therapy so working on these things I just needed an extra outlet. Sorry for being so long!

[Panda39]

Hi lovelyj,

I just posted on your other post and here you are again 


I want to share 2 articles from our site and see what you think because it sounds to me like you are experiencing both... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Do you find that you have a hard time with your mom and creating boundaries? I think boundaries could be helpful to you. What does your husband see and how does he react to your relationship with your mom?

I'm really glad you've decided to share your story, I think if you read the stories of others here you will find that they can be surprisingly similar. I also want to say it's not a competition for who has had the worst childhood, this site is about supporting each other because we have all been effected by someone with BPD in our lives... .you and your story are just as valuable as anyone else's here    And frankly it sounds pretty painful.  Emotional abuse... .is abuse.  Would you ever scream at your son, or put your son down, or reject your son in the way she did you?  I don't think so.  Your experiences were hurtful and it is natural that they would have an effect on you.


Hang in there,
Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome lovelyj, 

I am so glad that you shared a bit of your story. Please tell us more as you are able. As Panda39 mentioned, your story is just as important as everyone else's story. 

Sometimes it takes time to uncover the layers of the depth to which we have been affected by our pwBPD. I know I'm still discovering how strong that constant feeling of "Oh no, I did something wrong" invades every aspect of my life it seems. One at a time those old beliefs are challenged and re-written to reflect the truth, that I have not done something wrong all the time. Occassionaly we all make mistakes, but we are not wrong to our core as we were taught.

There is also a great list on the right hand side of the board that may help you to feel more comfortable in being validated, that the steps to healing are normal, wherever you are. ---->> >
Anyone that you click on opens up into a more detailed window. Where do you see yourself?

 
Wools

[lovelyj]

Thank you for both responding. I enjoyed reading both of those articles, I could relate a lot to them and indentified with both. I have done some thinking since reading some material on this site and I’ve come to realize that I don’t really have any boundaries with my mom. She lives around the corner from me, she texts me every day, and I usually see her every other day. This in itself may not be so bad but my mom is a very toxic, negative person and she dumps all of her negativity onto me constantly. She uses her panic attacks and depression to make herself a “victim” and use this to make me care for her and this has been our relationship from the time I can remember. I feel so much guilt and always feel like I’m a bad person so I didn’t realize I was deeply afraid of creating boundaries with her because I knew deep down she would either rage at me or make me feel bad by blaming her depression, problems etc. on me not being around.

I’m not sure where I am at in the steps of healing... maybe number 1? I still struggle with conflicting feelings of acknowledging the abuse that happened as a child vs. feeling like everything is my fault and I’m a bad person. Sometimes I feel peace and clarity realizing what my mother has done and other times I feel nothing is wrong with her, it’s me who has a problem.

Well I’ve already enjoyed learning a lot of info on this site that has got me thinking and I’m looking forward to learning more.

[Mooberry]

I used to eat, which got to me to an ugly place.

Now, I cope by isolating.  I set boundaries.  I go to therapy, AND I encourage others to set boundaries- helps me feel like it was all worth something.

[Woolspinner2000]

Lovelyj,

I'd like to encourage you to continue to read, learn, think, absorb. As the light comes on for you and you begin to see, then I believe changes will come. At this point you are in the discovery stage, and it's okay to stay there for now-you will grow as you learn. Let us know about the things you see and become aware of, such as this:

I’ve come to realize that I don’t really have any boundaries with my mom.

This is something very important that you are seeing. It took me a long time to see the same thing, and my mom was uBPD too. Now in my marriage, I struggle with not having boundaries as well, and I'm still very much in process of learning what they are and how to establish them. So take your time and grow. Like a young seedling, you don't expect them to produce fruit until they are strong enough to sustain it. They need to grow and get stronger. You'll get there one step at a time.

 
Wools

[Panda39]

HiLovelyj,

For me boundaries are one of the most important tools in our toolbox and for the children of a BPD parent one that can be difficult to manage because you are conditioned to not have any boundaries in a relationship with a BPD parent.  I have watched both of my SO's daughters struggle with this in relation to their uBPDmom.  Like learning anything new it takes time and practice, but I'm confident you can do it. 

Below is some information on boundaries and being assertive that might be helpful and give you some ideas... .
 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

Maybe we can come up with a small boundary to work on with you as a group?  I do want to warn you that when setting a boundary with someone with BPD it can get worse before it gets better, my guess it that you have experienced this when trying to set bounaries in the past.  We call that an "Extinction Burst"... .when a 2 year old does it we call it a temper tantrum.

Extinction Burst

The phenomenon of behaviour temporarily getting worse, not better when the reinforcement stops.

More on Extinction Burst... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I often share my simplified boundary analogy both to show how it works and to keep in the back of your mind when dealing with your mom, think of her as that "little kid" and not so scary.

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (extinction burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

(This does not mean that the boundary won't be tested again the next time they go to the store.  The key is to be consistent with the boundary)

I hope I've given you some things to chew on.  Maybe think about where you would like to set a boundary and tell us about it, we'd be happy to help you come up with some ideas.

Panda39