How to detach when there are suicide threats

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all

This community is a godsend. This is my first time posting after lurking for a while. The post is a long one to lay out my situation up front.  Appreciate the patience of those who read and digest it.

I am really depressed and am hoping I can learn from folks here who have been in similar situations.  I am worn down in my marriage to my undiagnosed wife of 22 years to the point of where I feel miserable, powerless and constantly anxious. 

 I have had enough of the verbal and emotional abuse.  I really want to leave her. I have tried 4 times over the last 9 months but each time I just don’t have the courage to follow through.  I am stuck.  The talk of suicide really gets me.
 
I am in counseling and additionally have a psychologist and a psychiatrist.   They provide me good suggestions for understanding the situation and taking action but I am so down on myself for not being able to leave her.  I have read Stop Walking on Egg Shells and Codependent No More.   I just feel like I am wasting everyone’s time complaining when I don’t seem capable of protecting my needs.

Over the last several days she has had two episodes where she would call me and text me multiple times during the day.  I would then get home and she would be sick with such anxiety (perhaps she was drinking).  The most recent episode she said she stood on the balcony of our 8th floor condo and wanted to jump.  This was all before I got home.  When I talk to her after getting home, she says she wishes she was dead.
 
She tells me she doesn’t trust mental health professionals and looks to me as her source to get well.   In the past I have encouraged her to go to her psychiatrist to get help but she doesn’t want to hear it (I have not mentioned BPD or any label – just expressed concern over her wellbeing).   In fact, recently she convinced the psychiatrist that she should go off antidepressants thinking they were no help (my observation is they may in fact not helped her but she won’t share with her psychiatrist all of her struggles and issues so she goes untreated for her basic issues).  She is adamant to me about not wanting counseling.
 
Here are a few things about our relationship to give you bit more insight into the dynamics

She had a verbally and emotionally abusive Father.   She has a strong emotional bond with her Mother.  So strong that now that her mother is in a nursing home with dementia, she cries many times after speaking to her – this has been going on for over 3 years.  She has said several times that I take over for her mother to meet her emotional needs.  She also says that her mother believes she is in “good hands” with me.  I have told her in the past that I can’t replace her mother.  But she keeps insisting.  I feel smothered by this emotional dependence
 
She is high functioning and is extroverted (I am a strong introvert).   She has a predictable relationship pattern that focuses on the need to be needed.  The most successful relationships for her are those where the other person is dependent on her in some way.  She likes to get on a committee and bring resources to the table as a contribution to the team.  Then when she perceives someone questions her or doesn’t express appreciation, she will withdraw her contribution and leave while bragging about how she is punishing folks.  She is thin skinned and sees slights at the slightest shortfall when people deal with her.  She will often terminate relationships quickly.  Or, in the case of the nursing home where her mother lives, she is in almost constant conflict with the staff.
 
 
After we got married, I had to sever all communication with my family.  She claimed they said and did things that made her not feel welcome and I needed to defend her.   I don’t think these transgressions were so serious that I shouldn’t talk to them for the rest of my life and miss my niece’s formative years.  So, I made the move last Father’s Day to contact my brother after 6 years of silence.  She reacted by going on a drinking binge.  I called my brother a few more times but each time I would hear how evil and selfish my family and then start excessive drinking. I went to visit my family in January which was proceeded by a week of hearing insults about me and family.  When I arrived at my brothers house she texted me about how she wanted to leave me but then a few texts later that she wanted to work on our marriage.   One of the texts said she wanted to go to the hospital.  She said for her to be happy, I was supposed to tell them that their relationship with me was only possible if they made up with her.    She said if I loved her I would come to her defense. I just became exhausted with the drama - now I talk to my brother behind her back.
 
When I am home, she needs my attention almost constantly.  She will talk over a TV program we are watching when she feels like she has something to say.  I can’t listen to a traffic report in the car without her interrupting.  When I come into a room – she checks the look on my face and seems to react.
 
She brags about our marriage to people – constantly wants photographs of us together.   Thinks we must be together all the time.  When I try to get some alone time, she says I am distant or that “I don’t need anybody.”  I can’t leave on a business trip without her pressing me to go along.  When she doesn’t go, she says how she doesn’t want to be alone.  After reading about BPD, I am starting to wonder that her view of our marriage success is a source of identity for her to fill an internal emptiness.   Now I am really wondering if she will take her own life if I separate from her.
 
We have talked about separation but she says that she has put all of her eggs in one basket and doesn’t know what she would do.   She actually does have several friends she spends time but only when I am at work.
 
I have tried to set boundaries but the vitriol, anger and drunknesss from her is overwhelming.   I know I exhibit codependent behaviors but realizing that doesn’t help me.   I truly want to leave her but her frantic attachment and the suicide ideation from her paralyzes me.
 
Has anyone on the board been in a similar situation?   If so, how did it go?  If there were suicide threats before leaving, what happened when you left her?
 

[Boll2017]

Hi all

This community is a godsend. This is my first time posting after lurking for a while. The post is a long one to lay out my situation up front.  Appreciate the patience of those who read and digest it.

I am really depressed and am hoping I can learn from folks here who have been in similar situations.  I am worn down in my marriage to my undiagnosed wife of 22 years to the point of where I feel miserable, powerless and constantly anxious. 

 I have had enough of the verbal and emotional abuse.  I really want to leave her. I have tried 4 times over the last 9 months but each time I just don’t have the courage to follow through.  I am stuck.  The talk of suicide really gets me.
 
I am in counseling and additionally have a psychologist and a psychiatrist.   They provide me good suggestions for understanding the situation and taking action but I am so down on myself for not being able to leave her.  I have read Stop Walking on Egg Shells and Codependent No More.   I just feel like I am wasting everyone’s time complaining when I don’t seem capable of protecting my needs.

Over the last several days she has had two episodes where she would call me and text me multiple times during the day.  I would then get home and she would be sick with such anxiety (perhaps she was drinking).  The most recent episode she said she stood on the balcony of our 8th floor condo and wanted to jump.  This was all before I got home.  When I talk to her after getting home, she says she wishes she was dead.
 
She tells me she doesn’t trust mental health professionals and looks to me as her source to get well.   In the past I have encouraged her to go to her psychiatrist to get help but she doesn’t want to hear it (I have not mentioned BPD or any label – just expressed concern over her wellbeing).   In fact, recently she convinced the psychiatrist that she should go off antidepressants thinking they were no help (my observation is they may in fact not helped her but she won’t share with her psychiatrist all of her struggles and issues so she goes untreated for her basic issues).  She is adamant to me about not wanting counseling.
 
Here are a few things about our relationship to give you bit more insight into the dynamics

She had a verbally and emotionally abusive Father.   She has a strong emotional bond with her Mother.  So strong that now that her mother is in a nursing home with dementia, she cries many times after speaking to her – this has been going on for over 3 years.  She has said several times that I take over for her mother to meet her emotional needs.  She also says that her mother believes she is in “good hands” with me.  I have told her in the past that I can’t replace her mother.  But she keeps insisting.  I feel smothered by this emotional dependence
 
She is high functioning and is extroverted (I am a strong introvert).   She has a predictable relationship pattern that focuses on the need to be needed.  The most successful relationships for her are those where the other person is dependent on her in some way.  She likes to get on a committee and bring resources to the table as a contribution to the team.  Then when she perceives someone questions her or doesn’t express appreciation, she will withdraw her contribution and leave while bragging about how she is punishing folks.  She is thin skinned and sees slights at the slightest shortfall when people deal with her.  She will often terminate relationships quickly.  Or, in the case of the nursing home where her mother lives, she is in almost constant conflict with the staff.
 
 
After we got married, I had to sever all communication with my family.  She claimed they said and did things that made her not feel welcome and I needed to defend her.   I don’t think these transgressions were so serious that I shouldn’t talk to them for the rest of my life and miss my niece’s formative years.  So, I made the move last Father’s Day to contact my brother after 6 years of silence.  She reacted by going on a drinking binge.  I called my brother a few more times but each time I would hear how evil and selfish my family and then start excessive drinking. I went to visit my family in January which was proceeded by a week of hearing insults about me and family.  When I arrived at my brothers house she texted me about how she wanted to leave me but then a few texts later that she wanted to work on our marriage.   One of the texts said she wanted to go to the hospital.  She said for her to be happy, I was supposed to tell them that their relationship with me was only possible if they made up with her.    She said if I loved her I would come to her defense. I just became exhausted with the drama - now I talk to my brother behind her back.
 
When I am home, she needs my attention almost constantly.  She will talk over a TV program we are watching when she feels like she has something to say.  I can’t listen to a traffic report in the car without her interrupting.  When I come into a room – she checks the look on my face and seems to react.
 
She brags about our marriage to people – constantly wants photographs of us together.   Thinks we must be together all the time.  When I try to get some alone time, she says I am distant or that “I don’t need anybody.”  I can’t leave on a business trip without her pressing me to go along.  When she doesn’t go, she says how she doesn’t want to be alone.  After reading about BPD, I am starting to wonder that her view of our marriage success is a source of identity for her to fill an internal emptiness.   Now I am really wondering if she will take her own life if I separate from her.
 
We have talked about separation but she says that she has put all of her eggs in one basket and doesn’t know what she would do.   She actually does have several friends she spends time but only when I am at work.
 
I have tried to set boundaries but the vitriol, anger and drunknesss from her is overwhelming.   I know I exhibit codependent behaviors but realizing that doesn’t help me.   I truly want to leave her but her frantic attachment and the suicide ideation from her paralyzes me.
 
Has anyone on the board been in a similar situation?   If so, how did it go?  If there were suicide threats before leaving, what happened when you left her?
 

[Mutt]

Hi Boll2017,

I am in counseling and additionally have a psychologist and a psychiatrist.   They provide me good suggestions for understanding the situation and taking action but I am so down on myself for not being able to leave her.  I have read Stop Walking on Egg Shells and Codependent No More.   I just feel like I am wasting everyone’s time complaining when I don’t seem capable of protecting my needs.

You’re doing your homework you’re trying I help yourself you’re not wasting our time. Think of it this way how many people in real life can you talk to about this stuff? It helps to take to people here that get it it also helps to get your story out.

Hi all
The most recent episode she said she stood on the balcony of our 8th floor condo and wanted to jump.  This was all before I got home.  When I talk to her after getting home, she says she wishes she was dead.

Wow that would be scary to deal with. I’m sorry that you had to go through that.

She tells me she doesn’t trust mental health professionals and looks to me as her source to get well.

Look at what your doing you’re doing everything possible to get help she’s not ready that get help that doesn’t mean because she doesn’t want to the work that you have to replace doctors, mother etc... .that’s a lot for one person to take on. I agree with you that she has dependency issues.

Maybe she doesn’t want to address the depression or see professionals because what they would want to tackle the substance abuse - maybe she doesn’t ant to stop drinking. She’s leaning on you because she knows that she can do it.

My exuBPDw said once that she wanted to kill herself I’d suggest to leave the SI to the professionals and call them if she’s threatening to take her life they’re professionals and they’re trained to do this. I’m curious what did your P’s say when you raised the question with them? What advice did the give?

[Boll2017]

Hi Mutt

Thanks for the quick response. Great to see a Canadian on the board.  Always enjoy visiting our neighbors to the north. 

I’m curious what did your P’s say when you raised the question with them? What advice did the give?
[/quote]

They say she is responsible for her actions. If she threatens suicide and about to commit I should call 911.  So far she hasn’t sprung that on me.  Only talking after the fact or saying she wishes she would be dead. In the past she has said she wouldn’t want to live if she lost me.

All 3 of the mental health professionals have told me that I need to face the fact that she may take her life when I separate from her. Perhaps this is due to her emotional attachment and their view she has BPD.   They say I need to get the point of not feeling responsible even though I could trigger an episode.

I thought I was at that point until she mentioned the potential of jumping off the balcony.   It really took the wind from my sails as to leaving her.

I feel this is such a burden but I know I need to deal with it.