where do i go now

[vale46]

Hi Everyone,

For 2 months now Ive been doin nothing but read read read on BPD. My now ex, literally tore my heart out and left me in pieces. I went through the classic love bombing phase, got engaged, moved in together etc and after a 1.5 years, i discovered she was cheating on me... .with two people (another was her ex). I felt betrayed, let down, worthless... .but she insisted it was a mistake only did it for attention. Bare in mind, I seen the evidence of these conversations and they were anything but pretty. That was the hardest thing for me to deal with. Extremely explicit conversations and images exchanged. She went to cut herself. Locked herself in the bathroom with a knife. Not good. I couldnt deal with it so i left to stay with a mate a few 100 miles away. I packed my bags and gone. I was not in a good place at all, to think the woman i was gonna marry would do such a thing after declaring her love for me.

So she wanted to prove her love for me. Said it was a mistake and she wasn't that kind of girl'. She didn't have friends, during our 2 years together i never met one! She never went out, but was obsessed with her phone. Facebook junkie.  She turned some close friends against me and i felt isolated at times. So she came to see me for a few weeks. It was too soon. My heart was so hurt from what she did and those texts kept on goin through my brain over and over and i was still in shocked. It was like the conversation on her side was from a different person and nothing short of the script from a porn movie to be honest. It was all too hard to take in So i tried to see that she was genuine, i wanted to believe her but it was ALL TOO SOON. I needed time. I needed to figure out what had happened and deal with it, if i could forgive and forget but she wanted it fixed now! In the end i broke down, i sent her back home. I wanted us to have time apart to figure this all out, to miss one another and to forget all that happened and start again.

So for new year, i go and pay her a visit. She is house sharing. Everything seems fine and that weekend was good. She bought me a present and we had good times together. We talked about getting back and i said i was goin home for a bit and we would keep contact and take it slow. I wanted her to know she really really hurt me and that i wasnt gonna easily take her back.

In the meantime i go and visit an old friend of mine for a couple of weeks. I come back and she sends me photos of both her arms completely covered in tattoos. Called me up, had a strange street-like accent and asked me for money. She had been drinking. She had been texting the last few weekends telling me she was hungover. This was all strange as she never drank apart from the odd occasion.  I told her to be careful of the drink as it seemed like she was drinking alot and she said it was all under control.

Anyway then, she just changed. She posted things like bottles of vodka etc online and kept mentioning another guy. I looked at his profile and it clicked. He was a tattooed-up drug dealing loser and she was changing to suit him, mirroring him completely. I asked her who this guy was. She kept changing the conversation and telling me im goin mad. Then she threatened to 'cut me out'. She would send a message, then block me so i couldnt reply. She did this on various messaging apps and it tortured me. When i asked her something about this situation she would read it, then reply 12 hours later saying 'im busy'... She put stuff online, and when questioned she would take down and say im a lunatic.

She drove me mad and after a full weekend of torture I had an attempted suicide. Ive never been in a situation like this. I couldnt understand the person i was trying to believe into thinking that had tried her best to convince me her previous actions where a mistake, were actually real. She had done it again but led me down the garden path. She never called, she never made any attempt to see how i was. She text an old friend of mine and said to tell me she loved me and why was i ignoring her. she was off the wall. Her lies had caught up with her and she didnt have to push me over the edge. All i got was, 'move on, im not good for you'. Talk about playing games.

So in recovery mode, i get a call from her old flatmate, she tells me she was actually a prostitute. She had been selling herself for a few months now and was with this same guy i asked her about for months but kept it quiet. She had online adverts on sex sites and ive seen them to add to my misery. This person who i fell in love with and wanted to marry had been long gone and replaced with a complete... .i dont know what.

Last i heard from her, i got an email. Blamed me for everything. It was ALL my fault and i pushed her into doing these things. Seriously? what the heck! She said her heart wasnt in it anymore. She needed time to figure things out and she was scared of us getting back together. But NEVER ONCE did she take responsibility for her actions. Not once asked how i was or acted like she cared. She said she was 'alone, but in a relationship', said she hadnt drank in weeks. My god the amount of contradictions... .unreal. There on front of me... .in black and white. lie after lie after lie. it was like she didnt read it before sending. I sent her a mail telling her i cared and i wanted to know what the heck happened and why do all this to me? did she know what she put me through? did i mean nothing to her? ... i got no response. i love the person i met but i hate the person she has become. From reading about BPD i have really understood i have been fooled and all the traits actually line up fruighteningly so. Blew my mind.

At the moment, i no longer have social media. its gone. ive changed my number and got rid anything associated with this toxic individual. im posting here because i would like opinions, on what you may ask... .will she at some stage try to get ahold of me? it scares me but im in this alternate reality now of not knowing what to expect. this girl scares me.
This is my first and only post on any forum and i really need some honest guidance. Currently im seeing a professional and im on meds too to help with my terrible depression and anxiety. Yes everyones situation is different and not all are the same.

There are times i would like to reach out and say hey, i care about you, but what the ___ have you done to me for me to deserve this. All i was, was a person who gave 100% love and affection. I supported her in everything, i even considered taking her back after cheating on me because she drilled it into me... .and then bang! who the hell is this person and what have they become. I was seriously shaking and in shock at what i heard. i felt like i needed to help her. this is the person i loved with all my heart so it was by no means easy to hear that she was involved with not only someone else, but selling herself, drugs etc. breaks my heart it really does. and im sorry she is in that situation, i really am but i cant do anything about it. she was the light of my life and now she has ignored my every attempt to tell her i want to help her but she has self destructed.

What can i do?
will she see what she has become and contact me somehow?
Will i just email her one last time and say something like, hey im here for you if you need me... .

I dunno, im trying to heal myself. I lost my job and my apartment because of the state i was in. Never experienced anything like that before. Utterly crushed me and im trying my best to get over it. The harder side (if i do have one), tells me to just let her get herself out of her own mess and be done with her. these are her actions not mine. She is a lost soul and is now damaged goods (or probably always will be) passing from one person or multiple people to multiple people as it seems or does the more realistic human side of try and try again until she i can get her some kind of help. She did mean alot to me so its extremely hard to watch someone do this to themselves, even though... .they have put me through the most horrific ordeal in my life.

Help me put all this into perspective. Please and thanks

[Harri]

Hi vale46and welcome to the board!  You will get a lot of support and input from people as you continue to post in your own threads and join others.  You will also see that you are not alone and yes, all the stories are different but there are many similarities.  I know you are going through a very painful time right now but i want you to know that things do get better.  We have a lot of people who have walked in your shoes or are at the same place you are. 

It is good that you are in therapy especially given your suicide attempt.  How are you doing with that now?  You have lost a lot and it is going to take time to heal but you will heal if you work on yourself in therapy.  Also, do not underestimate the amount of help you can get here on the boards too. 

What can i do?
will she see what she has become and contact me somehow?
Will i just email her one last time and say something like, hey im here for you if you need me... .

Unfortunately, there really isn't anything you can do.  She has to see there is a problem and want help for any kind of intervention to work.  Some pwBPD (people with BPD) do contact you and try to get involved again but not all do.  It is hard to say if she will or not.  I would hold off sending her an email though at least until you get in a better place emotionally and can really think it through.

If you did send an email what would you like to happen?

Take care Vale.

[vale46]

Hi Harri,

Thanks for the reply. At the moment everything is one min, one hour, one day at a time. Its the first and only time Ive ever been pushed this far deep into making me think 'everything' was my fault. She drilled into my head over and over the days before having to go to hospital. Constant texts, never calling me when i asked her. Conversations kept switching, never answering my questions about this other guy, always avoiding it. She made me so anxious in fact that i could hardly remember what happened those few days. My brain was fried, she put me in such a spin that nobody could get me out it it. I was destined to do something stupid and i broke. Ive never experienced of known of anyone experience such a vicious ordeal. Currently im on meds for depression and anxiety. Never been that road before. Im attending counselling and ive been told now i have to attend a physiatrist because im finding it very difficult to accept this person was actually someone else all along and id be taken for a complete emotional ride of my life. Words cannot describe it.

... .but I am reading lot on BPD and its very very scary how alot... .and mean 'alot' of these traits are similar. What she did was on the opposite scale of normal behaviour and i think its hard, from a person with values and morals, to accept she is nothing more than evil to be quite honest. I dont buy into the 'they dont know what they are doing' claim. She bloody well knew what she was doin. To put someone through a serious amount of stress like never felt before and depression, sadness etc is just unacceptable... .to go off with another guy, a loser, is not only disappointing but it really says alot about her. Her actions were not her words. She is a compulsive liar, a cheat and a whore. Thats the reality of im sorry to say. All my thoughts about little things that she said or did during the relationship that made me lightly concerned at the time and ive quickly ignored have been confirmed beyond belief, and all along she manipulated me without remorse, with empathy... .just cold hearted and no regard for anyone but herself, not the harm she caused to someone who simply loved and supported her.

My keyword has been 'relealisation', because ive learnt to take the rose tinted glasses off and see her or what she was. As people continue to talk about 'acting' and other words like 'illusion', its quickly setting in now. When i think of the name of guys pulled out of the hat, they all know each other, they've all had affairs with her. This was purposely hidden and now ive put two and two togethrt, its absolutely crazy how this all unfolded and how she deceived me from the second she lay eyes on me.

My last 12 weeks have been my worst nightmare. Finding out she is with someone else, what she is REALLY doing with her life and unravelling all the lies and inconsistancies in her claims to blame. The temporary memory loss on her behalf, the mind games and shear cruelty towards me. If she wanted me dead, she nearly got her wish. I dont know anyone could do these things to a human being but she did... .what does it say about her going forward?

So as i get up out of bed, shaking and covered in sweat from dreaming, reaching for my pills, i think to myself... .why do i have feelings for someone who has me feeling this way? Why do i care for someone who is putting me through this hell of pain i find unbearable? What did i do to deserve this hurt for doing nothing but love? Why do i still feel for someone who has cost me my job and my place of stay? Why did this person go into the arms of someone else after claiming 'she wasnt that kind of girl' and seeing how hurt i was from her cheating previously? Why is it fair that this person goes off into the sunset with someone else and leaves me with nothing but a broken hard and broken body?
... .seriously, the shock is just so overwhelming and this person who's nothing more than an evil actress.

So i need to take control, I want my life back. I want my self worth, my confidence and be who i used to be before this nightmare happened to me. i want to rid this person from my life. I no longer pine for her. She is a lost soul and so much has been done now to me that I could never forgive. There is too much damage caused and I NEED to be aware that she has always thought about herself, nothing more. I was nothing to her. I was just dirt on her shoe and it fckung hurts like words cant explain. She ruined me good and I need to dig myself out this hellhole.

Today i did send her a mail. But not for her. Not to win her back, but for me. She never replied to my last mail but had read it and i know this for a fact. She thought she had control, thinking i would be wondering why no reply, knowing full well as she had done in those run up days to my hospitalisation, that i would be anxiously waiting for a reply, like she did when she would reply to a text with something completely different and avoid the original topic of conversation. Well, not this time. Ive come to the conclusion that this person is BAD for me in every shape and form and done nothing to hurt and destroy me. Again, why would i want this person in my life? She is poison!

Rather than go to her level. Rather than giving her a angry or begging kind of reaction. Is simply said, 'I was sorry for all the hurt and pain i had caused her in the past. Ive changed my number and this will be my final mail. i need to heal and move on as you are too.' Thats it. I didnt go into anything trivial. I didnt ask anything or look for closure which has been avoided all along. I was taking control back and I was saying i had enough. I pushed the boat out and did more for her than anyone would and im tired of giving but not receiving. My energy needs to go back to me, because it has been sucked dry. No reply yet and to be honest, ... .i dont care if i do or not. Ive outlined all the reasons why she is bad for me and this 'actress' will just do the same again, so whats the point? I need to build my life back again and its not fare i waste any more time and energy on her. Do i still feel for her, do i still care for her? Always i imagine, but i know in time that will fade and she will ultimately be forgotten. Never to be spoke of again. She was a moment of weakness in my life and as said i have to look beyond the trees and see her for what she is. I have to be strong and push those kind of vampires as far away from me as possible.

Will she reply? Meh i dont know and i dont care. That fact i agreed with her and avoided blaming, wished her well and said i was moving on from her 'hook' is good enough for me. I felt better after that. But should i prepare for a 'charm', theres the 'real' question!

I know i might offend some BPD people on here with my comments, but please be aware, my emotions are goin in every single direction. Ive had now experience with someone with this disorder and i've been ultimately head fcuked for being a normal loving genuine guy. its hard to comprehend and equally hard to accept you've been conned and taken for a fool. So apologies if i sound harsh but this is MY experience and i understand other experiences which may be less or more harmfui. Im just a guy that been left face down in the dust wondering why this all had to happen to me when i thought i would be getting married. Now im thanking the stars i didnt!

[Chynna]

Hello Vale , horrendous what you've been through. All I can say is keep up the good work. Every case is different. When I first found this site, I was taken very much aback with some of the posts that seemed to accuse nonBPD partners  of being broken somehow. It was very refreshing to read your description of yourself as being "a nice, normal guy" prior to this r/s. For myself, I was (am) a nice, normal gal (naive to this issue) who was hoodwinked by a plenty of mirroring from a disordered man in the beginning. Not quite as intensely disordered as your former partner, but destructive just the same. I kinda believe in this: you are never handed anything in life that you cannot handle. Just keep closing that door and chalk it up to another one of life's experiences you had to go thru for whatever the reason. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Be gentle with yourself Vale. Swift healing to you... .Life is short. ~Chynna

[Harri]

Hi Vale. 

Rather than go to her level. Rather than giving her a angry or begging kind of reaction. Is simply said, 'I was sorry for all the hurt and pain i had caused her in the past. Ive changed my number and this will be my final mail. i need to heal and move on as you are too.' Thats it. I didnt go into anything trivial. I didnt ask anything or look for closure which has been avoided all along. I was taking control back and I was saying i had enough.

It sounds like your letter was good for you to send.  I said I generally do not recommend sending one and that is because it can often turn into a blame/hurt fest.  You did not do that!  Good for you.  I understand the need to start getting some of your power back. 

A lot of times it is like we are on an emotional roller coaster after a break up.  How are you feeling today?

I know i might offend some BPD people on here with my comments, but please be aware, my emotions are goin in every single direction. Ive had now experience with someone with this disorder and i've been ultimately head fcuked for being a normal loving genuine guy. its hard to comprehend and equally hard to accept you've been conned and taken for a fool. So apologies if i sound harsh but this is MY experience and i understand other experiences which may be less or more harmfui. Im just a guy that been left face down in the dust wondering why this all had to happen to me when i thought i would be getting married. Now im thanking the stars i didnt!

This site and this board in particular is for those who are trying to heal from a painful relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD).  Generally we do not have pwBPD post here unless they too are in a relationship with a pwBPD so no worries there.  We all get the pain and emotional overload that happens and we can handle it.  On this board in particular we validate and support so you are in a good safe place for posting.  Having your emotions is good, certainly better than shutting down so keep posting!

why do i have feelings for someone who has me feeling this way? Why do i care for someone who is putting me through this hell of pain i find unbearable? What did i do to deserve this hurt for doing nothing but love? Why do i still feel for someone who has cost me my job and my place of stay? Why did this person go into the arms of someone else after claiming 'she wasnt that kind of girl' and seeing how hurt i was from her cheating previously? Why is it fair that this person goes off into the sunset with someone else and leaves me with nothing but a broken hard and broken body?
... .seriously, the shock is just so overwhelming and this person who's nothing more than an evil actress.

You can't just turn off your love or will it to go away so of course you are still going to have feelings for her.  None of this is fair Vale.  None of this happened because you deserved pain and hurt.  We have to find our own value in the experience and that will come with time.  Don't fight your feelings.  They just are, neither right or wrong and they don't always make sense.  That's okay. 

[Mutt]

Hi Vale

I agree with Harri you had a history with her you’re nit like your ex with dysfunctional coping mechanisms to repress feelings or alter reality. You’re were you’re supposed to be right now anger helps us with detaching from unhealthy relationships and I can certainly tell that you want to push her out of your life  and take control.

I’m ot going to talk about myself too much I can relate with having suicidal thoughts when my exuBPDw left me for another man. I’m glad to hear that you’re taking care of your depression by treating it and that you want to self protect to: heal, self reflect and rebuild. We’re here  for you man the cool thing about this place is that there is always someone here you can share your thoughts and feelings without being judged or shamed for having them. You can share the most intimate thing about yourself that you never told a soul here.

Get your story out, talk about about how you feel and leave all of the emotional baggage in this forum while you recover. What’s the living situation like right now? Are you staying with family or friends? I completely understand how your performance goes down the toilet when you’re going through a difficult life event like this. I know that it’s hard to see right now but you can rebuild a stronger better version of you. Hang in there.

[vale46]

Thanks Harri,

I know you suggested against the email and of course that is breaking the NC rule and rightly so however, i guess its only NC if i get a reply from her and actually 'read' it / reply to it instead of thrashing it or, if i send her a mail begging for forgiveness for things i didn't do. That didn't happen, I was forthcoming, straight to the point and letting her know that this time, even though i've been blamed for 'her' actions and been the one to uncover who she really is and her seedy secret life, that the game stops now! Although, i said in my mail that NC is for my healing, i said it was a pity things turned out this way and thats life, she has moved on, as she so blatantly claims. I said if she needed help or support then reach out as she 'was' important to me. That was the human caring part of me saying 'hey, i'm not arguing, i'm not getting into the blame game, i'm not letting you know i love you, i'm not letting you thwart and torture me anymore, but although you've brought me close to death, i would help you but with arms length of course.

What im saying the fact that i said i would be there, i just hope this is not interpreted as someone who would just take her back and turn into a charm, because i wont let it happen. Might get your opinion on that Harri! Its good to be prepared nonetheless. Too much damage has been done to me. Everyday that i feel like dirt and reach for my medication i think 'why would someone do this to me if they cared?... .she doesn't. never had and never will. So the fact i recognise that alone, i know im stronger as a person although this being a frightening experience for me.  She has read this email 4 times according to my tracker ... .4 times! ... .but not replied and that perfectly fine with me.

Carry on ignoring me, carry on with your alternate ego and messed up freaky lifestyle, carry on with your lies, deceit, cheating with as many guys as you like, but i'm not having it. Her life not mine and i don't care. Im better than that and i really do have to see the light as they say, call it for what it is, and despite my love for her fading as each day comes upon me, i have to again, the keyword 'realise' what this person did to me,she never cared, who she really was, what she has done in terms of bare faced lies - to my face, and the solution to how it can be resolved. Fact, there can never be a solution, she can never be trusted, to be with her again sexually would probably feel like dipping my hand into a bin full or rubbish - she has been with that many guys. Even the thought of that is disgusting. Id be on my toes 24/7 wondering who she texting, wondering where she is at any given time and wondering if today she might disappear and leave me for someone else.

Im sure there are a lot of people on here who are trauma bonded and going through tough times, but if you are, read my last paragraph and see what life would hold if you were to think about getting her/him back. Part of my healing was to write out the advantages / disadvantages for being with this person. Also another task was to write out what you did for them in your relationship and what they did for you. Then write out the things they put your through and how they REALLY treated you. Close the book, walk away and come back to view what you've written 30 mins later. Be prepared to shock yourself! Its a real eye opener and bare in mind YOU wrote these things, nobody else. You are 'realising' slowly what this person is and how much they hurt you ... .for what, being who you are and caring deeply like you did for no other. Its extremely disappointing and shattering at the same time.

This is my final day off work. Ive been given a few days off to try and get my head straight. Ive made a lot of progress and am finally beginning to think clearly in different directions, not just one direction and with one frame of mind which is all i have done to date. The fog is lifting and i can see things for what they are and what she is as opposed to the actress, the manipulator, the devil she was. While im on the up, she is on the way down - hard. Maybe she deserves it, maybe not, but its not fare that people like her leave constant train wrecks behind and skip away into the sunshine as if it never happened. I hope there is such thing as Karma and i hope she feels the trauma i experienced at some point of her false life. I know its an illness, i know its not normal behaviour - and thats what got me - who is this person - what the heck?
But its no excuse, sorry, there just any excuse to want to hurt someone to the point of suicide, to push them over the edge, knowing full well what they are doing... .should be locked up for that abuse to be honest, or get help and take yourself out of society until deemed it. Its not right, its just not. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

For now, i'm gyming 2 times a day, one in the morning and one at night before bed to tire my brain and body out. I write anything that comes into my mind about her that hurts me... .and i BURN IT. I do also walk and talk to myself a little but its a way of dealing with things. Walking is refreshing, gets me out, gets me looking at the things around me, noticing sounds ... the simple things in life that are just there. Hard to explain but if you're in my situation, just get out and do it. Fresh air, nature, human life ... .anything to stop you thinking. Pick random items as you see them and name the item and its colour. Change your train of thought, change thinking about negative in positive by distraction.

I hope, even though i'm pushing, is to get over this as soon as humanly possible. I know some people say it takes years to forget but i don't think so. Well i'm trying not to think so. Heres why... .why put your life on hold for someone who is living their own? Why wait for someone that never cared about you? Why carry on thinking about what they did and how they hurt you when you know in the back of your mind, if they were to come back, they would mess you up and tell you lies? you can never believe them. they are liars and cheats and will never ever change. Why put any more time and energy into a lost cause when you could be out there, giving yourself the possibility to meet someone else and get to know them. Just because i say that doesn't mean i want to me with someone right now. Absolutely not! Last thing on my mind but what im saying is i need to build my confidence and self worth again. Words and actions was something these people cannot do, but normal people can. I need to do what i say and i'm trying my best to heal and move on from this ultimate nightmare.

[vale46]

Get your story out, talk about about how you feel and leave all of the emotional baggage in this forum while you recover. What’s the living situation like right now? Are you staying with family or friends? I completely understand how your performance goes down the toilet when you’re going through a difficult life event like this. I know that it’s hard to see right now but you can rebuild a stronger better version of you. Hang in there.

Thanks man, i really appreciate that.
Well since the police kicked the door in to get me to hospital, my flatmate feels like he is uncomfortable with me. Sometimes i just want to be on my own. I stay in my room or if i'm in the living room i just sit there and say nothing. its not that i don't want to talk, its just i don't have anything to say at the minute because of what has happened and i'm trying to deal with it with friends. He is an acquaintance, nothing more so i wouldn't feel i need to speak with him about my personal issues as he would just tell the world really. Anyway he gave me notice and i am to move out shortly so i need to find a place soon.

Unfortunately, due to being isolated and paranoia issues with my now ex, she pushed some of my best friends away from me. Always thought i was cheating with one girl i know for 20 years, who is married with two kids. I have morals, my ex clearly doesn't so the fact i actually had a female friend since the age of 14, and always remained that way, that made her seriously jealous. She got her sister to invite her as a friend on Facebook, stalked her profile then deleted here. My word is never enough, but it seemed her word never needed to be questioned. Ironic isn't it? So I'm in the process of trying to repair last friendships lost because this person forced me to take sides. I horrible situation to be in to be honest to lose friends over your partner just because 'she' didn't like them for no reason whatsoever. Looking back at all this things makes me realise, jesus, this person is really damaged beyond repair. All the pieces of this 'real' relationship are coming forward and all the pieces of lies and deceit are clicking with me lately. Its like, yeah now i know why she said this or done that. Never had friends, always told me they are doing their own thing, no friends ever called her, but was always on her phone texting. Addicted to facebook. Unreal, it really is and one of the hollow points for me is, i let this happen. I trusted and i believed what she told me. i was a mug and i fell for it. Crazy stuff but, now... .oohh aint i lucky im not married to her, had kids etc. We are 5 hours flight apart now, I wont run into her. That will never happen. Thats some sort of relief. If sure there is A LOT more to her than that i know of. She's a professional liar. But why should i care, i don't, and i don't want to know about it.

[vale46]

When I first found this site, I was taken very much aback with some of the posts that seemed to accuse nonBPD partners  of being broken somehow. It was very refreshing to read your description of yourself as being "a nice, normal guy" prior to this r/s. For myself, I was (am) a nice, normal gal (naive to this issue) who was hoodwinked

Hi Cyynna,

Maybe some nons are broken but id say its an excuse really. Fact is, we've been robbed and tricked.Our emotions used for someone elses advantages only to leave you hangig on a thread. How people can be blamed for being caring is ... .well... .as real as the thoughts in a pwBPD's brain. Im glad you like my story but to be honest is not something i ever imagined having to write nor a site i would have ever thought i've been drawn to.

We think bad things happen to other people and never ourselves. its always someone else... .but when you are left for dead, you're drawn to find out why and never stop looking until you get ... .well, i wouldn't call it closure, that never happens so i'm led to believe, but perhaps knowing your not the only one, reading about other stories and how people on this forum are dealing with their experiences and how they are coping is probably better than closure from this toxic person because, lets face it, it will be lies anyway, whatever they tell you. The boy who cried wolf - that many lies have been told, that even it they tell you the truth you wouldn't believe it, and why should you. I would be left afraid, scared to trust or not. The mind games have already started again by them simply talking. They only tell you what YOU want to here. Its all about them. They don't give a toss and its secrets and lies over and over. I know i will look back and I hope everyone else on here will too at some point and think ' aint i glad im away from that person, for good!'. They can no longer drag you to hell, they can no longer hurt, manipulate, lie, cheat etc... .thats gotta be worth more than anything at this point in time.  Let them be in their lonely lives, using and abusing. They will never change and as long as they deny they are the problem then their is no hope. I certainly wouldn't like to take on someone with PD issues in the future. There is no way of knowing until you enter another relationship. But what I've learnt from all this is, if you have to constantly have to prove to someone that you care about them, then walk. As hard as it might be, its not worth it. There are many people out there, the fact that only one can destroy you is scary and you have to protect yourself at all costs.

[Mutt]

I hope, even though i'm pushing, is to get over this as soon as humanly possible. I know some people say it takes years to forget but i don't think so.

There’s a period after you break up where you’re pretty raw and you might go back and forth with communication, you have the right idea if you want to speed up your healing I‘d suggest to go NC.

It also sounds like you’re going through a smear campaign if your friends are siding with her you’ll find out who your real friends are any attention that you give to her with retaliation is going to prolong this emotional barrage of hers, that’s another reason to go radio silent.

Good for you that you’re working out pour that energy into lifting weights at the gym   If you have nothing better to do go to the gym and stay away from drugs and alcohol.

[vale46]

There’s a period after you break up where you’re pretty raw and you might go back and forth with communication, you have the right idea if you want to speed up your healing I‘d suggest to go NC.

No more communication for me. My numbers changed, later my address etc. and hers is... .she uses her 'personal' number on sex sites with her real name and her real facebook profile link. Before i was told she worked for an events company and she had three phones. Madness i know. She is beyond crazy! Self destruct mode has kicked in. She will never get a 'real' job doing something as stupid as that. All someone has to do is google her name and its all there. Her own worst enemy but i cant help her. Its her life and its not goin to drag me down. There is no reason why someone would want to be with a person like that. Tell me im right! She turned from innocent to a complete monster. But her history of having more guys on a back burner then friends kinda says it all. Probably always a tramp, was just hidden from me being a professional liar and all.

[Harri]

What im saying the fact that i said i would be there, i just hope this is not interpreted as someone who would just take her back and turn into a charm, because i wont let it happen. Might get your opinion on that Harri!

It is okay that you sent it but leave it be now.  I think I understand what your intent was and it is sweet but saying you will be there for her, even if at arms length, is I think a mixed message.  You are sort of leaving the door open and as Mutt said, right now, no contact is best for you to give you the time and space to heal.  Who nows how she will interpret it.  Me?  I am the kind of person you need to knock upside the head sometimes so keep that in mind when reading my opinion!  I like things direct and cut and dried. 

I am glad to hear you still have your job as I had originally understood you lost it.  That is fortunate!  Now you can focus on finding a place to live.  I am sorry your roommate gave you notice.  Some people are not good around people who are in pain.  That's okay.  You are doing very well with the exercise and walking and i hope you will continue that even when you get back to work.

How often are you going to T and will you still be able to go when you get back to work?

[Turkish]

It's devastating to see a person we care about self-destruct... .

Her own worst enemy but i cant help her.

She's an adult,  and an independent entity free to make her own choices,  no matter how unwise they are.  It's still tragic though.

[vale46]

It is okay that you sent it but leave it be now.  I think I understand what your intent was and it is sweet but saying you will be there for her, even if at arms length, is I think a mixed message.  You are sort of leaving the door open and as Mutt said, right now, no contact is best for you to give you the time and space to heal.  Who nows how she will interpret it.  Me?  I am the kind of person you need to knock upside the head sometimes so keep that in mind when reading my opinion!  I like things direct and cut and dried.  

I am glad to hear you still have your job as I had originally understood you lost it.  That is fortunate!  Now you can focus on finding a place to live.  I am sorry your roommate gave you notice.  Some people are not good around people who are in pain.  That's okay.  You are doing very well with the exercise and walking and i hope you will continue that even when you get back to work.

How often are you going to T and will you still be able to go when you get back to work?

I did have a job, i lost that when i had the attempted suicide, but have managed to get hold of another recently. Even those guys gave me time off for a while as I had to come clean. I was miserable and i found it extremely hard to concentrate on work. i had to just up and go walk every 2 hours or less because the anxiety was too much. Walking, deep breathes and observing things around me to distract me was and still is a regular part of my life. Hopefully now when i go back, i'll feel more motivation to do so, i will be more conversational towards work colleagues and be in a more positive frame of mind to push myself and learn in other aspects of my profession. I have to, I need to in order to get on with a better more fulfilling life. I see a T every monday and we go over a lot of stuff. My first two sessions were about what happened, then the realisation of who she 'pretended' to be... .now it all about me and nothing to do with her. Its all about believing in myself and that I will excel to a better person and finding ways to push on and upward so its good for me to find ways to improve myself instead of trying to piece some kind of false closure to something that we can only ever speculate.

In regards to the email, yes I kinda figured there is a possibility THAT line alone could be misinterpreted. Whatever way is, I hope its not in the sense that she STILL thinks she has control. My reason for the final mail was to let her know that I was taking control back by confirming I AM moving on as she requested, but for my own sanity, not hers. That also confirming I had said this would be my LAST email to her and that I had changed my number that Im standing up to her, letting her know Ive had enough of her crap and too much damage had been done to me to warrant any kind of return however, the 'human' in my came out and said I would support her if she was in trouble. Baring in mind, we nons or any kind of decent human being would never like to see someone close or was once close, get into a terrible situation where they are into drugs and prostitution.

One of the most horrible images Ive had in my head, was seeing her being fcuked by multiple guys and / or being knocked about if something went wrong. This is not something to be taken lightly in the mind of a person who has once loved this person or still feels for them. That thought... .its so hard to accept if this is the case.

I have to stop thinking like that Im responsible for her actions, but this is one of the blame games that has been projected onto me. According to her, its all my fault and even though i know it not to be, its the seed they plant in your head and its extremely hard to come to the conclusion that its not. I guess its part of the manipulative behaviour and a tactic to emotionally abuse you. Its also hard to separate the mind from the heart. The mind knows she is evil and is not good for you by any means but, the heart pulls, sometimes not for love, i think that is put to one side at times when more fuel is added to the fire story of who they REALLY are, but pure hurt as to what they have done. Hurt because you never thought this person who acted and gave you the illusion that you were the best thing to ever happen to them, could behave like this and turn into something very damaged.

I dunno, some days i am good and some i am bad. I guess its one step forward and three steps back, but the fact that i have actually taken a step forward is good progress i think. The fact that can recognise the flaws and knowing that ive been had is something that ive never done during the relationship and after in not believing some of the stories because i was in shock, is something that is actually driving me forward, knowing who this person is, how the fooled me, how they compulsive liars and how, no matter what has been said and done, I would be the most stupid person on earth if i was to entertain this toxic individual again. I know ive experienced the worst moments of my life and i know that i genuinely be scared if i was to talk to this person right now. She frightens me at this moment in time. Her voice would haunt me, her face would send me into utter sadness. In saying that, to know that If I were to speak to her in any shape or form then i would be faced with what ive experienced ten fold and she would not come back to me as a person because she has multiple persona's it seems, but to come back to hurt me more. I cant deal with it... .even if i wanted to.

So to going no contact, she does not know my number. Its literally 2 weeks old. It was something that was hard to do, but i admit i was hanging for a call or a text. But from what number? She has lots I would imagine. One day before i changed my number, I got a call from a 'private' number. It caught be off guard and i answered it. As soon as I said 'hello', they hung up. My heart jumped, i could feel the blood rushing through my veins and the my skin going cold. I needed to go out for a walk and deep breath time. I got home that night and said 'fcuk that, im not doin this, its too much' so i called my service provider and changed my number right there and then. Now on my current number which hardly anyone has, ive installed an app that decrypts private numbers. Ive been really careful who i give my number to, but still, i think i just have the app for my own sanity so to speak.

There is no certainty that she will return and at this point in time there is literally no way for her to contact me apart from email which i dont seem to care if she does or doesnt at this point. My facebook account is active, but she is blocked and so is all members of her family. That and the fact i dont have the app on my phone so im not tempted to log in at all if im honest. Its been a good while now since ive been on social media. i dont care for it and im finding life without it much better. i have no temptations to research her in any form because i know i will be either shocked my something else i find or id be stalking. Eitherway none of it will do me any good or help me get over this situation so whats the point in putting myself through more misery and pain. If her fb profile pic is changed to parade someone else, ... .who cares? He wont last long and she has nothing to do with me.  Ive been really strict on that front so im proud of myself for not getting into that avenue of adding to the heartbreak.

So considering what ive been saying since my first post and the extremity of her disorder, I put this label of BPD on her from what I've been researching. My T seems to think she is a Narc with BPD traits but i think my T is trying to avoid any kind of labels for legal reasons and / or trying to get me to come to my own conclusions about her disorder by her actions to date. Clearly this is all far from normal and clearly there is something very very seriously wrong with her so in essence it would seem that she does have a major problem. Would appreciate your thoughts on what kind of disorder you may think she has or combination of disorder possible. I know I cant do anything and me trying to save her is just an emphatic thought which in realty cant be done unless SHE wants to but I assume never will, because she doesn't think she has a problem ironically, but i'm trying to understand this whole situation.

Also the mixed messages that I previously received via mail telling me at first that 'her heart isnt in it anymore and what did I want her to do', 'she is alone but maybe be in a relationship', and then saying things like 'she needs time, is dying on the inside', then saying 'the thoughts of us getting back together haunts her'. What does she mean by all this?All her mails to date, even though my last two have been read but ignored, have been like this. Both confusing and cryptic on all accounts. Sounds like she is leaving a door open? Correct me if im wrong, or likes to keep me on her hook to when her current flavour of the month turns to sh1t. Its hard to judge but easy to recognise the mind games.  The reason I ask these things is to prepare myself for a later date IF she decides to send a mail claiming this or that, and tries to reel me in. Or does it seem like its more likely she will try get in touch and have my strong head on to be able to ignore her? The last thing i want is to make significant progress and have this distorted person pull all the stops to try convince me otherwise.

[Chynna]

Goodmorning Vale, How are you doing today? I understand you're back at work. I hope that provides some distraction for you. N/C is most wise; anything else is just self destructive ~ putting yourself through a thousand deaths, I'm sorry to say. You just can't count on anything of real value from pwBPD re: healing and closure. So glad you found this life-saving site. Healing is a process ... .I know you feel like you'll never be the same but trust me, it gets better my friend. ~Chynna

[Harri]

Hi Vale.  It is wonderful that you were able to secure yourself another job and that they are so willing to work with your issues.  That is a big positive given everything else that has been going on.  That and all the self-care you are doing for yourself. 

now it all about me and nothing to do with her. Its all about believing in myself and that I will excel to a better person and finding ways to push on and upward so its good for me to find ways to improve myself instead of trying to piece some kind of false closure to something that we can only ever speculate.

This is a very wise approach.  Can you feel an improvement in yourself and how you are handling your anxiety?  One thing I always have to tell myself when I am in the midst of a panic attack is to say "you've got this.  You've been through this before and it is nothing new.  You can handle this feeling"  My T taught me that so that I do not feed the fear and panic.

Whatever way is, I hope its not in the sense that she STILL thinks she has control.

Does it *really* matter what she thinks tho?  She is disordered and her thoughts do not line up with reality a lot of the time.  I know it is frustrating to think she thinks she has the upper hand but really she doesn't, unless you give it to her.  I don't see you doing that.
 

I have to stop thinking like that Im responsible for her actions, but this is one of the blame games that has been projected onto me. According to her, its all my fault and even though i know it not to be, its the seed they plant in your head and its extremely hard to come to the conclusion that its not. I guess its part of the manipulative behaviour and a tactic to emotionally abuse you. Its also hard to separate the mind from the heart. The mind knows she is evil and is not good for you by any means but, the heart pulls, sometimes not for love, i think that is put to one side at times when more fuel is added to the fire story of who they REALLY are, but pure hurt as to what they have done. Hurt because you never thought this person who acted and gave you the illusion that you were the best thing to ever happen to them, could behave like this and turn into something very damaged.

  I think this is one of the hardest things to overcome.  My main pwBPD/Schizophrenia was my mother but I also has an exbf with BPD/NPD traits and an ex roommate who is quite disordered and each and every one of them thinks they are in the right (or did think as my mother is now dead).  It is frustrating.

So considering what ive been saying since my first post and the extremity of her disorder, I put this label of BPD on her from what I've been researching. My T seems to think she is a Narc with BPD traits but i think my T is trying to avoid any kind of labels for legal reasons and / or trying to get me to come to my own conclusions about her disorder by her actions to date. Clearly this is all far from normal and clearly there is something very very seriously wrong with her so in essence it would seem that she does have a major problem. Would appreciate your thoughts on what kind of disorder you may think she has or combination of disorder possible. I know I cant do anything and me trying to save her is just an emphatic thought which in realty cant be done unless SHE wants to but I assume never will, because she doesn't think she has a problem ironically, but i'm trying to understand this whole situation.

I think that the BPD/NPD labels work just fine.  A label gives a reference from which you can then work to make sense of what happened to you.  For that purpose, BPD/NPD seems to apply very well.  Sometimes a person may not meet all of the diagnostic criteria, but if they have some we say they have BPD traits or NPD traits.  I simplify things in my mind while keeping the criteria in mind.  When I think of BPD, which is a disorder of emotional regulation, I think the more impulsive and chaotic behaviors fit in that label while the more deliberate behaviors that require plotting and planning to carry out are more related to NPD.  To me, people with BPD are too dysregulated to be purposefully cruel, manipulative and cunning.  It's all under the surface and they are desperately and poorly trying to regulate their emotions and do so with some very disordered and chaotic behaviors.  I know that is a very simple way to view the two disorders but it works for me and my **unprofessional** needs.  I mentioned my thoughts to my T recently and she sort of nodded but then said "remember BPD occurs on a continuum" so take what I said for what it is worth (about 5 cents).

From I think it's BPD but how can I know

Does it Really Matter It does. The behaviors exhibited during a relationship for all of these afflictions can look somewhat alike but the driving forces and the implications can be very different. For example, was that lying predatory (as in ASPD), ego driven (as in NPD), defensive (as in BPD), a result of being out of control (as in alcoholism), or social ineptitude (as in Aspergers). Was it situational, episodic (bipolar), or has it been chronic. Yes, all lying is bad, but the ways to handle it and the prognosis is not the same in all situations.

What really differentiates the disorders, beyond the behavioral characteristics are the underlying motivating emotions.  We do not always have access to that information and are often left with best guesses.  So that is my unprofessional but freely offered opinion! 

Also the mixed messages that I previously received via mail telling me at first that 'her heart isnt in it anymore and what did I want her to do', 'she is alone but maybe be in a relationship', and then saying things like 'she needs time, is dying on the inside', then saying 'the thoughts of us getting back together haunts her'. What does she mean by all this?All her mails to date, even though my last two have been read but ignored, have been like this. Both confusing and cryptic on all accounts. Sounds like she is leaving a door open? Correct me if im wrong, or likes to keep me on her hook to when her current flavour of the month turns to sh1t. Its hard to judge but easy to recognise the mind games.  The reason I ask these things is to prepare myself for a later date IF she decides to send a mail claiming this or that, and tries to reel me in. Or does it seem like its more likely she will try get in touch and have my strong head on to be able to ignore her? The last thing i want is to make significant progress and have this distorted person pull all the stops to try convince me otherwise.

I have no idea what she really means by all of this.  I do believe that she believes and is sincere in what she says/writes when she says it or writes it.  The problem is, pwBPD can change in a flash (that dysregulation again!)  Some BPDs do contact to try to reconnect and others don't.  I would say prepare but do so by continuing to do what you are doing:  working on yourself, focus on your healing and staying strong in who you are.    Oh, and always, always, keep your strong head on!    

Did I understand correctly that you were going back to work today?  If so, how did it go?

[vale46]

Thanks Chynna for your kind words. Its actually a life saver being on these boards an talking to people who give an honest insight to what ive recently been through and hoping to pass that point at some stage sooner rather than later. The problem i find when looking at boards like Quora, is that when someone asks a question, it always ends up just as confusing to read the answers. For example, while my exBPD do this or that?, and the answers are 'yes the will do this, but maybe not. So there is no answers per say. You find the right questions to some aspects of the issue but the answers are just as confusing. I don't know why people do this but hey, at least i found a good source on here.  At first I was quite hesitant in posting a personal problem on a public forum, if in the event of my story had been discovered but then i realised, hey, who cares, i've not mentioned names and it could be anyone plus, i need to speak to people in the same boat or at least have been so i can take this endless pressure of my already cooked mind as a result of that has been happening to me. I don't live close to family or childhood friends, I actually live on the other side of the planet. Ive had trouble making friends because i was isolated by this person and caged away for her use only. At first i thought it was just as any other serious relationship in the sense that i know when people enter a new relationship with a partner you just do everything with them in the honeymoon phase and your friends become second in the queue so to speak. We've all done it at some point, and the moving in and getting engaged apparently was part of the way 'they' do things on this side of the world so just went with it. Now i'm out of that position, it seems its not the case at all but how was i do know it was all a setup. Thats just how it goes. I always look at people like a blank canvas. I never make judgement and i never take peoples opinions for face value until i can figure that person out for myself. Maybe its a good trait to have, to get my own opinion, but this time it has been a serious disadvantage to me. Everyone is different and yes, she did make her feel sorry for her by telling me about previous abusive relationships and i felt i needed to step up even more to show her i would never have done what previous ex's did and be her pillar of support and security as well as love her as much as i humanly can. Reading about what my exBPD, its a real opener to all the tactics deployed on my over the relationship and how it ALL makes sense.

A few things that stand out for reference: She would be on her phone all the time, and it went with her everywhere. I mean it was never ever out of her hand. Sometimes she would be in a different world while i'm talking to her as she was texting away. As i was new to this part of the world i was obviously an easy target to bait, as I didn't know anyone and i didn't know her history which was kept from me or i never met or heard of any of her friends. She simply didn't have any but one who she talked about and 'said' she visited the odd time but i never met her. Then apparently this person stopped talking to her for 'no apparent reason' - just blocked her on social media, which is quite strange. Whenever my phone rang which was not often, i was always questioned to the nth degree who it was. If it was a female friend that Ive had for years and years asking how i was which was once every month or two, it was automatically assumed we are having an affair which is quite hard to do from being 16k miles away. She didn't like give my mother the time of day when she came to visit for the first time in 2 years, she didn't like my only other friend i had that i worked with... .all for no reasons given. She just didn't like then and never made the effort to get involved or even try to talk. It was always her, sitting there on her phone.

One of her affairs was with her boss. That had being going on from day one which i didn't know about until she slipped up and i put two and two together. This is the reason why she never wore her engagement ring to work. I was always told she didnt want to get it dirty. Ya see how all these things add up for me now? He had seen us in a shopping centre one day and texts where 'who is that guy you are with?' and she tells him im her flatmate. He is recently divorced and is pushing her for a relationship. She tells him she is single and wants to keep things the way they are. And funnily enough, as he pressures her, she replies with 'keep this up and i will cut you out!'. He backs off and says he is sorry thus their conversations continue every single day. Another was a guy who she kept in contact with, who she admitted to cheating on her ex with. They had being having disgusting sexual conversations and exchanging dirty pictures almost on a daily basis for months on end. I seen everything so imagine how hard that was for me. This was something i never really got over. Also her ex, the guy she left for me almost immediately. Initially she had told me to go onto my social media and block particular people who were her ex and friends of her ex. Then she changed her number so he couldn't contact her. As it turns out, she had given him her new number unknown to me at some point and was also texting him. In her contacts she had him saved as 'T', and not his name, probably in case it came up on the phone if he ever rang unexpectedly however, she was cunning. The phone was always on silent and she replied to these multiple people as when she deemed it safe to do so. I did contact one of the guys mentioned via my own social media account and said hey, ive been engaged to this person and they have ruined me, what can you tell me because she is claiming to be innocent. He tells me she was known as the 'local bike' previously and he mate put him in contact with her as she was known as being easy for 'putting out'. NOW i know why i was isolated and why i was never told of her past, which also makes sense of having no friends either. She probably burnt them all or had affairs with their partners or whatever. Seems she has a reputation of being the local slut and it was very clever of her to put me in a position where 'she thought' i would never find out. But liars will ALWAYS be found out in the end, always! So as you can see, since i was told she by her that she 'wasnt that kind of girl' which she clearly as proven to be all along, and all proven by herself at that, the pieces of the puzzle just keep coming together. Every single redflag i ignored has a purpose and a connection with something else that all makes sense now. These are not the actions of a normal person and i dont care what anyone says.

Why didnt she say, hmm this guy is actually really nice and would be bad of me to mess him up. I shouldnt get into anything with him because he is genuine and not like anyone else ive had. Liar! ... .and she gets everything she deserves. She could be knocked up and pregnant by her druggy boyfriend, laying in a gutter somewhere after a bad client abused her, in a crackhouse drugged up to her eyeballs or whatever. She tells me she is working full time, ok maybe so, but probably not the kind of job we nons would associate with. Renting herself out full tim i imagine. But its hard to grasp how someone can just turn into the complete opposite, it really is or, do i look and think that she was always what seems to be a attention seeking sex addict and put on the mask purely to act out an alternate reality while in the relationship. In saying that i wouldnt be inclined to think while she was 'with me' as her many secrets says otherwise. It seems she is one of the extremes in my case in terms of her disorder but it shocks you to your very core. To see someone you love go that way and it was all just a act. Really it just ... .words cant describe it.

I can assure you, there will be NC on my part at all. I have been strict on it as much as possible apart from the mail i sent lately and i did that to take control of myself. To let her know she doesnt have the hook in my that she thinks she has. Clearly its the silent treatment (correct me if im wrong), as her mails to me have been more than cryptic and as you say harri, ' you have no idea what she means'. that ultimately has been the line that has been with me since the weekend of my suicide attempt. She was never clear on anything. It was all confusion, guessing an analysing. So im sure you can understand how it would affect you if for days, all you get is texts etc that never make sense. Even when i said, ok enough with the blocking and unblocking and texts, just call me and lets sort this out. I never got that call. To this day i never got that call. When i was in hospital, i never got anything. She knew what she did, she knew she had pushed me over the edge and walked away. Is this the actions of a person who claims they love you or the care so much about you? Mind bending stuff, really it is. If i had done that i would have been on the first flight feeling so guilty for what i did and be there to support her but, i got ZERO! I think that says alot about a person. She can never be trusted, never be marriage material and never be stable i think. She needs more than therapy. I dont think there is any hope for this girl in the long run. Never been independent and always had to be with someone. She is one dangerous individual and thats why i need to STAY NC and get as far away from any kind of association with her. If i got with her again, i would lose family and friends. Thats the reality. They constantly call me and care for me and know who this 'real' person now is and what she capable of. They seen what ive been through and have supported me, still are. They would all leave me, i would return to her, she would leave again as they do and then my life would never go forward. Thats the result. There is no goin back. I deserve better and in all honesty, anything is better than her!

[vale46]

I have no idea what she really means by all of this.  I do believe that she believes and is sincere in what she says/writes when she says it or writes it.  The problem is, pwBPD can change in a flash (that dysregulation again!)  Some BPDs do contact to try to reconnect and others don't.  I would say prepare but do so by continuing to do what you are doing:  working on yourself, focus on your healing and staying strong in who you are.    Oh, and always, always, keep your strong head on! Doing the right thing  tongue

Did I understand correctly that you were going back to work today?  If so, how did it go?

Its simple. She wants me to continue guessing and spending all my time in wonderland trying to figure it out. She thinks she is clever but i know she is touched and the game is up. She can send mail after mail now but she probably wont do so again, as i didn't get a reply from the last two including the one recently sent,  and the one previous to that where she claims she needed more time etc... .realistically speaking anything i get, if i do, would be nothing but more cryptic crap, contradictions and lies in abundance. Flogging a dead horse. Even if she tells me it was all a mistake and she had an epiphany in the middle of the night, god came to see her etc she had now seen the error of her ways, i know its all rubbish after being through it so many times now. She is too predicable at this point. She thinks i'm hurting badly and i'm sitting her crying and wanting her back. In all honesty yeah i did, i have been through a seriously terrible ordeal and i'm slowly healing, but i'm not sitting her pining for her. All i have to think of is her 'true' identity, how she conned me and what she has become? Why would i want to be with a person with the reputation of being a serial slut, a compulsive liar and master manipulator who could never be trusted and could walk out again at any time? Id rather be single for the rest of my days. At least i would have my sanity in tact. Everyday i wake up to her a little more and more.

[Harri]

I deserve better

  I agree and I am happy to see you can say that.

Why would i want to be with a person with the reputation of being a serial slut, a compulsive liar and master manipulator who could never be trusted and could walk out again at any time?

  Excellent question and something to keep asking yourself as you heal and if she should contact you.

Everyday i wake up to her a little more and more

.  Can you see yourself making progress as you go to T and post here?  Have you been able to join the threads of other people here?  I ask because it is important to keep building a supportive and understanding environment.  It is also important to reach out to others and offer them the same.  It help to remind you of what is important in life and what you have to offer others who are on a similar path.

[vale46]

hi harri,

yes, posting here and going to T definitely helps. I talked about it openly maybe two other people that are close to me so talking and more talking helps put perspective on things as im thinking 'why?' ... .i guess there is no closure as much as all is unravelling before your eyes. All i can compare the situation to is something similar to a carpet bomb - before you can deal with the first explosion, another goes off and then another and another etc. That was a killer. It was all so surreal and becomes so mind numbing, you just cant take it any more. But talking helps really helps to change your way of thinking and no matter how much you try to figure it all out, ive learnt that there could be a million reasons why she said this and that in email, but facts are facts and all the hard evidence is there to prove who and what she really is, and more importantly what she has done to me. Quite despicable behaviour from someone who apparently 'cared'.

I think the likelihood of her contacting is very very slim if anything, but that just my thinking, then again, we think differently. If i told her where to go, then she wouldn't be able to take the rejection.  She seriously cant expect me to entertain her after all she did? She would be too ashamed to do so considering i know who she is and what she is involved in but in saying that, 'm not sure she knows, that i know 'everything'.  Id be really letting myself down and look like more of an idiot and a complete soft touch to take back a girl who has been sleeping with another man, or 'men' in her current situation. But how cheeky and brazen are these people to try such a thing? Is it common for them to wander back, pretend they are sorry, had an epiphany and expect you to just forget what they did?  Am i write in saying, and im using forum terminology here so correct me if im wrong, that you can be split black, probably like me now, to later to be split white and them 'remembering' you and then thats when it starts? I say 'remember' instead of 'missing' because as far as im concerned, from experience only, that she isnt capable of real emotions

[Harri]

 

Id be really letting myself down and look like more of an idiot and a complete soft touch to take back a girl who has been sleeping with another man, or 'men' in her current situation. But how cheeky and brazen are these people to try such a thing? Is it common for them to wander back, pretend they are sorry, had an epiphany and expect you to just forget what they did?  Am i write in saying, and im using forum terminology here so correct me if im wrong, that you can be split black, probably like me now, to later to be split white and them 'remembering' you and then thats when it starts?

the part I bolded... .do you mean try to re-connect?  You seem to focus a lot on that possibility.  I do understand the concern and please know you are not alone in having that fear.  A re-connect, or a re-cycle can not happen unless *you* allow it to.    So keep posting, read and educate yourself about the disorder.  I will caution you that there is a lot of really bad information out there on the net about BPD so be careful.  We have a library section here that is full of great articles and discussions that may answer some of your questions.  The information here is reliable and carefully vetted.  In the meantime, I am going to share a link to one of our discussions on Splitting.  Splitting is a defense mechanism used by people with BPD to deal with anxiety.  Is that what is going on now with your ex?  Read the article and see what you think.  I am also going to encourage you to open another post, maybe even about Splitting, to get a discussion going with other members in the same situation as you. 

[vale46]

Hi Harri,

Sorry for late reply. What im trying to do is limit my time on looking at info on borderlines / narcs as i feel too much time spent will hinder my progress in moving on. Ive spent endless hours researching to date and ive been told by my T that i should now start to limit my time looking for 'answers' instead of spending all my spare time on forums and overloading on the subject despite knowing what happened to me certainly was not 'normal behaviour'.

So in terms of your last post, yeah, thats exactly what im saying, a reconnect on her behalf.
Where is why i think she will... .

When we got together, i found conversations with two other men on a phone she passed onto me as she upgraded to another.  One of them was her manager which i didn't know until everything blew up when i was discarded. The other was a guy who she told me she had cheated with on her previous partner. The guy she left me for. She changed her number shortly after we got together as she claimed the ex was bothering her, however later i discovered she had been texting him and had his number stored in her phone under a different name. Another (though not confirmed) was her personal trainer who texted her quite often on a daily basis. According to her, he was gay, but when i checked out his s/media, he clearly had a girlfriend. There are two others that actually know each other, again not confirmed, but it wouldnt surprise me. She seemed to be very clever in triangulating all these men so it seems and right under my nose which was quite disturbing considering we were engaged.

After i was discarded, i was told to 'move on' which came came to fruition right after her posts on facebook about 'her new man', the loser tattoo'ed up drug dealer became apparent. She never drank, now she was out all the time, which was hidden from me. We were apart for a few months as she cheated on me, pleading for me to get back with her, but she was up to quite a lot of things from what i found out.

All her past ex's have been losers, i was the only one who tried to steer her in the right direction. Previously she had been paying rent, bills, food etc for these people and had nothing for herself. We had a nice house, cars and everything she wanted, but she fcuked it. Now she is back to the same type of person... .a nobody who has no ambition in life but to sell drugs and be an excuse for a gangster. Maybe she likes that life but i know she has been in jail in the past for 'glassing' a girl in the face while drunk.

Considering who i was and how i treated her, will she feel regret that she actually had something real with me? Will i be seen as the one who provided her with the most 'supply' per say and try make contact? If she likes being treated like crap then her current guy looks like he certainly is perfect. Put it this way, if i was to see him, id cross the road to walk buy. The type of coward who would bring a knife to a fist fight. Anyway, in her last emails, she blamed me for her everything (as they do), and apart from the cryptic elements of her final email, she mentioned things like 'maybe i need time, 'what do you want me to do', 'im still dying inside' and 'the thought of us getting back together haunts her' and she mentions being 'scared'. I replied to here and that was left unanswered and of course, the mail i sent three weeks ago as per my conversation on here letting her know that i was now in control of my life and i was standing behind changing my number which i did do, together will all social media and any way for her to contact me (apart from email). Do you reckon once her current goes down the pan, she will reach out? The previous triangulation and being in contact with the ex even after changing her number leads me to believe she will, i dont know but thats why im here, to look for some opinion / perspective. Maybe her ignoring my mail was too much for her to take so she has split me black, ghosted me... .i dunno. Some terms get me.

Reason why im asking is to prepare, nothing more. I know she a liar of the highest order and what i had was an illusion but in alot of ways id love to call her out for being the manipulative bitch she was. i never got closure, i never got to know why and considering she was telling me she was sorry and 'not that kinda girl' she proved to herself that she really was, i didnt need to say anything. she did it all herself.  But still i would like to get my moment where i can let her how the pain she caused destroyed me and it was pure evil what she did. I hope her new relationship a million times bad.  I was very good to her, i cared and loved her like no other. I was willing to make that jump to the next step and get married and she fcuked me into an endless abyss of depression and anxiety. She devastated me like ive never experienced. But i would like to hear from her at some point, knowing what i know now, and tell her to get help. Under no circumstances will i be reaching out to her, no way. I am 100% committed to no contact and ive stuck to it. I dont look at her social media although ive been told, her profile photo has not changed since before we broke up. its not even a photo of her, its someone else, so she has alot to hide i reckon. When we got together she was quick to show everyone, now it hasn't happened which is odd, but maybe im looking into things i should be trashing. Was just an observation i guess. Thoughts?

[Harri]

hi Vale.  I am glad you are taking a break from all things BPD.  It can be overwhelming and what is really important is taking care of you. 

I understand wanting to get closure.  I am not sure how much you can get from your ex given the history of denial, lies and distortions though.  I definitely get wanting to be able to say exactly what you think and letting her know how much she hurt you.  I was torn with my ex, wanting to tell him but also refusing to admit that he had that much of an effect on me.  In the end I said nothing, at that time not wanting to give him the satisfaction.  Sheer stubborn pride kept me quiet.      I do understand not everyone sees things the same way I do though.  I just wanted to let you know I understand. 

About her profile pic... .I have no idea.  Who knows why people do what they do on that site.    Vale, it hurts when you give the best you have to give someone and they can't accept it or acknowledge they can't because of their own flaws. 

keep doing the work you are doing and asking the hard questions. 

[vale46]

I think Ive come to the conclusion i will 'never' get closure. To be honest, if she were to come and tell me she made a mistake and she was in a different world etc, it would probably be just lies anyway. No matter what she says will never be taken as truth. She is a compulsive liar. Even her last emails, its clear she never actually read through them as every paragraph was a contradiction in itself. Its like her memory was also altered. For example, she said she hadn't drank in weeks yet in the run up to me being discarded she was texting me telling me she was either drunk or hungover. In one of her opening statements she claims she is alone and she is ok but further down she says' maybe she is in a relationship, but he treats her this way and that way, which is bullsh1t because i did all those things. It was again, more lies, but they hurt alot. How could she say those kinda things when all i did was support her and love her. So as said, she will lies through her teeth as i presume she has always done to get what she wants. Its baffling.

I remember we had an argument during our time together. She wanted to get king and queen tatttoo's on each others hands. I said no, plain and simple. Hand and neck tattoo's look terrible and besides that it would hinder job prospects as i work in an office. If i didn't get it done i didn't love her apparently. Looking back now, it seems so childish to have to prove you love someone by such a thing. Then what happens when this tattoo isnt enough? what next would i have to do to 'prove my love'. Ironically enough, my replacement, the drug dealer, has his neck and hands fully tattoo'ed and she has both her arms covered now. I guess id be right in saying she is mirroring him? That and the fact, she called before the discard to ask me for money and had a 'gangster' type accent put on. Jesus, she is so fcuked up its almost impossible to imagine.  Now her arms are messed up, and when that relationship breaks down she will be left with them as a reminder of what she has done to herself. One of the hardest things to 'accept' is that this person has totally become someone else. The girl i loved has died in reality and she has become this alter ego. I would assume its clear to say she is on a downward spiral and i fear this will end in tragedy. She is only 28, but her actions will probably end her life before 30 imo.

I know everyone's case is different, i wouldn't reach out to her now. not while i am trying to heal, i just cant. my brain wont allow me, it scares me. i've been in a really dark place and the one person i hoped would have been there for me and realised was done to me was not there in any shape or form. i never got an apology, i never even got a text to ask how i was. nothing. i was just pushed over the edge and left to suffer mentally. if thats not despicable and the most cruel form of torture a human can do then i don't know what is. for this reason i dont think she will be in contact purely based on shame and having to face what she did to me. But, with these kind of messed up people i just wanted to get an idea if she will still give it a shot in the future? From what i've read they make contact as if nothing happened. they realise, that you were a good source of supply and genuinely loved them compared to the type of losers they have both currently and previously. I think i was the only one to actually get engaged to her so surely i meant (or mean) something? I dont know what to think anymore. Despite all she did on me, i hope she is ok. The soft side of me will always care for her, and it really saddens me to see her go down this path but i realise i cannot save her. i cannot continue to care for someone who it seems never cared for me, or am i wrong? Will i hear from her again? Will i be remembered? We were emailing each other and it just stopped. I think there was a total of 4 emails back and forth. I left it a week to reply and then i heard nothing to date. Perhaps i scared her off or perhaps it was too much for her so she thought best not to carry on, but something didnt feel right. Now, 2 months later, it seems things have died off. Maybe she is still in the idealization phase with him. Maybe this alternate life is what she wants to feel invincible or something... .until the novelty wears off no doubt.

Id appreciate your thoughts on the above and if ya can answer any of my questions id really appreciate it

[Harri]

i cannot continue to care for someone who it seems never cared for me, or am i wrong?

IMO feelings don't just turn on and off.  Over time they may fade and/or you may find your caring was in actuality something else. Regardless, it makes sense to me that you still feel concern and that you still care about her.  Not so long ago you were not able to say that. 

Will i hear from her again? Will i be remembered? We were emailing each other and it just stopped. I think there was a total of 4 emails back and forth. I left it a week to reply and then i heard nothing to date. Perhaps i scared her off or perhaps it was too much for her so she thought best not to carry on, but something didnt feel right. Now, 2 months later, it seems things have died off. Maybe she is still in the idealization phase with him. Maybe this alternate life is what she wants to feel invincible or something... .until the novelty wears off no doubt.

Again, it is so hard for me to even guess what she is thinking or feeling.  I know you want to know if she will contact you.  Based on a lot of the stories here, it is possible she will.  You ask now if you will be remembered by her  and I think you will be remembered for sure.  How she will make events make sense in her distorted and disordered world is anyones guess. 

People with BPD are not all that different from us when you think about it.  Sure they get emotionally dysregulated and sure their behaviors can be abusive, and yes their brains are wired differently, but the feelings are still there bubbling under the surface and ultimately driving their outward behaviors. 

[once removed]

Will i hear from her again? Will i be remembered?

a lot of us go through something like this. there were so many vulnerable moments, and such a deep bond. it left me in a very dark and empty place when she left me, and i felt rejected on a level that cut to my core.

so sure, i hoped and waited for that reach out, that she would see the light, and not just that, but that our three years together meant something to her, that i touched her and had an impact on her life as she did mine.

it was hard to grieve and let go of that. there were even times further on where i wished shed reach out just so i could reject her.

have you read the article here on Surviving a breakup with someone with BPD? it touches on the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our “BPD” partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special. You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes. You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended intense and traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your BPD partner. All of this distorts your perception of reality. You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope.

this in particular was very hard for me to read and swallow. the closer i got to grieving and accepting it, the more i was able to let go and heal.

[Harley Quinn]

Vale, how are you doing since your last post?

Love and light x

[Harri]

Once removed, this part here reminded me of a point I reached when grieving the loss of my relationship: 

there were even times further on where i wished shed reach out just so i could reject her.

Oh yes.  Thanks for mentioning that.  I never admitted that to anyone until today. 

Let us know how you are doing when you get a chance Vale. 

[Cromwell]

I feel part of my not replying to her texts and changing my number is rooted in that, ultimately it didnt make me feel any better, it was myself after all who offered to get back in contact. I did feel a sense of empowerement of rejecting her by going NC out of nowhere, but again it was because the bad side of her was starting up again, it just felt good to be the one doing the rejecting.

i believe these ego preservation based actions stem from that emotion of resentment. It may or may not have caused her to feel any shame in response, I cant guage it I never saw her reaction besides twice coming to my door angrily. but it didnt make me feel any happier, it didnt lessen any of the resentment feelings, it was more positively about myself finding the strength to finally detach, that by itself was the beginning of salvalging a ton of lost self esteem and showing her that she had finally reached the absolute limit of what i would put up with.

[vale46]

Hi All,

Thought i'd give a bit of an update since i last posted.

First in relation to NC. I have upheld it to the max and I feel proud in doing so. Ive even installed an app on my phone that automatically hangs up on private numbers and other numbers that have been withheld. I know i should be ok by changing my number previously but, due to my occupation i have my own website and thus my number had to be put on there for work purposes as i'm a freelancer. Whether or not she goes to the extent in the future to find me online and get my number is another story, but not only do i think she isn't as clever to seek me out in that regard, i think that due to her complete personal change and me unmasking her, i feel there is a good possibility she wont even try to make contact as she would have to face her shame and come clean about all she did. This person has alot to hide and I think she doesnt know half of what I know about her... .in fact i probably know too much about the 'real' her. Thats what caused most of the shock to my system in the long run. Apparently facing shame is something that makes these people run to the hills from what I've read however, i wouldn't rule out the amnesia and pretending nothing ever happen scenario at some point in time. But I will deal with that if it ever happens.

In terms of my mental state, my meds have been upgraded so to speak. I had a few really bad days despite trying my best to be strong. Going to therapy has been stopped by my doctor and Ive been assigned a psychiatrist. Ive to let the meds take their course over a month period before being assessed. I get irrational thoughts of her and how I was treated. Its like a giant puzzle, thinking back, things she said, and how certain situations now make perfect sense in what she was doing behind my back and how things changed before i caught her cheating on me. How her family morals were completely out of tune with normal families and how i was force fed excuses and abnormal reasoning for her actions before i ultimately found out how mental she was. I know this might sound strange, but i came across a photo of her recently. I looked and stared... .i could see the evil in her eyes. Something just hit me right there and then. My heart didnt jump like i thought it would, it actually made me so disappointed which changed to hate. Within that short space of time I quickly trashed it. But it made me shake to my core. It all came back.

Since this all happened Ive been trying to push myself into feeling good, sometimes i even talk to myself quietly. I read on another post where an idea was suggested to write down all the things you hate about this person and whenever you feel down, take it out and read it. Trouble is, there are so many things i hate about her and what she put me through, i could write a book, not a page or two. Ive taken that idea and its easy to roll off plenty of reasons in my head whenever i do think about her. The one word that springs to mind constantly is 'FREE'. Whatever happened to cause me to be in this position then thats pure trauma which is something that time will heal and im confident of that. But now, she does not have control over me, or hold me up like a puppet. No longer do I have to deal with the paranoia of who she is with, why she disappears when her phone rings or spends so long chatting, no longer do i have the isolation and fear of her leaving me. Its done, I am my own person once again I have to try and lie to myself that she doesnt and never existed. Its hard to explain, have the time i dont know what im saying, its all confusing and my mind wanders into areas it shouldnt. Sometimes I dream and i wake up angry at myself for dreaming of her. Straight to the cabinet for my meds. The placebo effect in getting her out of my life.

I had a thought of what i would give to be a fly on the wall to see how her life is turning out and how she feels. i imagine its a world of nasty sh1t considering what she is into and the people she associates herself with - nothing but users and abusers until they wear her out. But then i thought, maybe SHE should be a fly on MY wall, and see how IM progressing - into a much better person and, realise what she has lost - forever! I have to think better of myself and i think goin no contact was the best thing. To me it said F/ you, i dont need you, i dont want your toxic life infecting mine. I do feel though that if she was to turn up right here, right now, i would be lost for words, completely and utterly stunned. My soul would shatter to pieces and i wouldnt be able to breathe. Maybe thats a good sign? Maybe its good to feel like that because i would have no wish to attempt to contact her? Why would i? What is there to say? What is there to go back to? ... .apart from a lying cheating individual who if previously had a reputation of being a slag, then imagine what she is like now. I wouldnt be able to touch someone who has been passed around the entire state. It was bad enough having to go to my doctor and ask for a sexual disease test and explain that my ex fiance was a whore and i needed to get checked out. Things that b1tch put me through... .boils my blood and i hope i can get over it. i hope karma pays her a visit.

Anyway, im trying to keep busy. its hard at times, but i know this is a new beginning. Im trying a few new activities i never got the opportunity to  since i moved but its impossible to be active all the time. thats when the thinking starts. On another note, ive begun to sleep alot, and i mean alot! weekends, i sleep 14 - 16 hours. Would this me my brain finally catching up from all the trauma? I presume all the sleepless nights, the overactive thinking all this time has had a serious effect. meds probably help i guess, but im hoping its all pointing in the right direction. i just feel sometimes that when im beginning to make progress or have a good day, something clicks and im down again. its certainly a rollercoaster ride.