where do i go now

[Harley Quinn]

First in relation to NC. I have upheld it to the max and I feel proud in doing so. Ive even installed an app on my phone that automatically hangs up on private numbers and other numbers that have been withheld.

I like the sound of this app and kinda wish I'd thought of that!  How long have you been NC for now vale?

I hear a lot of anger towards her in your post and this suggests to me that you're still feeling very wounded.  It's OK to be angry and resent the behaviour - and is a valuable part of the grieving process.  Just be wary of getting stuck there for too long.  It is hard, and it's natural to be in pain.  Don't try to force yourself to feel good.  Just go through the motions if necessary of doing things that are positive for you.  The feeling good part might come immediately in some cases, and in others later.  It's just important that you are actually doing the self care as opposed to letting yourself go under. 

Glad to hear that you've gotten a meds review and are being supported by your doctor.  Have you seen the P yet?  Whilst your therapy is on hold, just remember that we're here if you find you're missing that usual appointment and need to vent.  What are the irrational thoughts, if you're happy to share? 

Have you taken a look at the Lessons yet?  For me it was a positive thing to do to check in on my progress and see how far I'd come.  It's also helpful to remember that although there are stages, sometimes we'll cycle through them more than once and even seem to go backwards on occasion.  That's perfectly normal. 

I'd be interested to hear where you think you sit right now in the process.  Slowly but surely it gets easier and sometimes we don't notice the small changes in how we feel and function until they have added up.

Love and light x

[vale46]

Hi Harley,

Hope you are well! Thanks again for the reply. it aways helps!
The app is called CallApp Contacts. I have it for android but I'm sure its the same if you have iOS. If not then Im certain there is something similar. Basically you can get it to show the number of someone if they choose to 'hide' their ID or call from a private number, you can choose to block all calls that are not in your contacts list, or you can just do a clear sweep to automatically hang up on all private or ID hidden calls. I chose the later, as i don't fancy having to ring a non  familiar number and i find out its her, possibly calling from her hew boyfriends phone or another number which i wont want to entertain. Would look like Im the one chasing by me calling her, therefore giving her the satisfaction she may want.

Yeah there is a lot of anger i have to admit. But that anger is channelled into not only thinking that this was all an illusion by a professional manipulating actress but it helps me NOT wanting her or pining for her again. Its not easy to get over the fact that someone like her had the skills necessary to push someone so hard to attempting suicide when they say they love you, but also ignore you and act like you never existed the one time you needed them most however, all this toxic history, all this 'puzzle solving' has helped pushed that pining or 'addiction' to her as its known, further away each day as I know things would never be the same. To even speak with her, or be partially convinced to enter into the possibility of a restored relationship with her, regardless of how hard her plea maybe, regardless of how sorry she may me, which would be all lies anyway because of what she did to me and how she acted would be ultimately the end of my life.

Some of the things that come into my head if we were reignited would be:
1. Paranoia
2. Lack of truth about the extent of the cheating
3. Isolation
4. Trust
5. Reintroduction of her crazy family and their unrealistic morals being pushed onto me
6. And most importantly, all the close family and friends who stood up and made themselves counted in caring for me and helping me through this ordeal, all those who i turned my back on because of her isolation on me, the ones who I'm now trying to repair damaged relationships with because of her... .they would be gone forever.

Those are just some quick points that come into my head right now but if i sat down and actually spent time on the above, the list Im sure would be limitless.

I just wanted to give an insight to her family morals which i think might be where some of her traits come from. For example, when i was exposed to the text messages from (at the time) 2 different guys. She called her mother to come over. She was afraid I was going to leave at that point and she was in panic mode. So when the mother came over, I said to her (my ex) that she better tell her everything or i would show the mother the actual texts and show her who her 'real' daughter is. I went for a long long walk and when i got back, this is what the mother told me ... .

"texts are just texts, and images are just images. Anyone can do it, its just a bit of fun. My daughter did not cheat on you and unless you see her (my ex) with your own eyes, ___ing someone else, then she did not cheat"

THAT quote, never left me. This woman is in her 60's and she comes out with that statement. I couldnt believe it.

My reply was ... .'So knowing im engaged to your daughter to be married. If I took a photo of my d1ck and sent it to the girl next door, do you think that is acceptable?' ... .she had no answer.

Now what guy wants to have an image in his head of his partner being ___ed by someone else for the rest of his life? According to her, one would have to experience this to confirm his partner was in fact 'cheating'. Seriously some people... .I dont get it. But thats what i had to deal with. She (the mother) was never happy. Always seemed depressed and unmotivated, hadnt worked in year. The father passed away some years back but apparently he was king of having affairs. The brother has major anger issues and is currently serving time in jail. Thats her family. I thought because she was the quite one, with a job and seemed to have a head on her shoulders that she was different. She stood out to me. I met her while out and we just clicked. It was only as time went on and i was exposed to this different elements of her family that alarms bells, well... .they didnt really go off. Everyone is different and I never judge. Thats possibly what got me into trouble in the end.

All these things, the puzzle i talk about, her family, her past, the secrecy, the cheating, the constant lying. Some night she would be telling me she is talking to her boss about work and would sit in another room for hours chatting. Only for me later to discover he was one of many she was with. And here was me saying yeah ok, i'll leave you to chat about work things. good god, i was utterly fooled.

I have plenty of random thoughts like this. Situations i was in, where i was told something and only now realise why said or did things... .was all to cover her herself while she was with me.  She went to some extent to hide who she was. She thought she had me. Im so glad i escaped. My life as I know it would have been non existent. Ive also been told that even if I had of gone through with it and actually killed myself, she would be the one pretending to be the grieving girlfriend. Again loving the attention. Sucking it up with the 'woe is me, i really loved him' crap. She should be locked up away from society altogether.

But i agree Harley, there does seem to be a cycle and I realise that now in changes in my thoughts, my mood, my overall wellbeing. Sometimes im eager to be motivated and sometimes not. Sometimes i want to push and sometimes i just want to go to bed and sleep forever. I just dont want to face the world. I have not had a drink in months, not that i need it, but ive been told that the meds would send me to sleep almost immediately if i did. bit disappointing as sometimes i get invited out by some friends and i have to decline a beer. i pretend im on a diet but i know in my heart that this b1tch has put me in this position where i have restrictions still.

I will definitely have a look at the lessons and see how i go. Thanks for the link btw

[vale46]

Hi Harley,

Hope you are well! Thanks again for the reply. it aways helps!
The app is called CallApp Contacts. I have it for android but I'm sure its the same if you have iOS. If not then Im certain there is something similar. Basically you can get it to show the number of someone if they choose to 'hide' their ID or call from a private number, you can choose to block all calls that are not in your contacts list, or you can just do a clear sweep to automatically hang up on all private or ID hidden calls. I chose the later, as i don't fancy having to ring a non  familiar number and i find out its her, possibly calling from her hew boyfriends phone or another number which i wont want to entertain. Would look like Im the one chasing by me calling her, therefore giving her the satisfaction she may want.

Yeah there is a lot of anger i have to admit. But that anger is channelled into not only thinking that this was all an illusion by a professional manipulating actress but it helps me NOT wanting her or pining for her again. Its not easy to get over the fact that someone like her had the skills necessary to push someone so hard to attempting suicide when they say they love you, but also ignore you and act like you never existed the one time you needed them most however, all this toxic history, all this 'puzzle solving' has helped pushed that pining or 'addiction' to her as its known, further away each day as I know things would never be the same. To even speak with her, or be partially convinced to enter into the possibility of a restored relationship with her, regardless of how hard her plea maybe, regardless of how sorry she may me, which would be all lies anyway because of what she did to me and how she acted would be ultimately the end of my life.

Some of the things that come into my head if we were reignited would be:
1. Paranoia
2. Lack of truth about the extent of the cheating
3. Isolation
4. Trust
5. Reintroduction of her crazy family and their unrealistic morals being pushed onto me
6. And most importantly, all the close family and friends who stood up and made themselves counted in caring for me and helping me through this ordeal, all those who i turned my back on because of her isolation on me, the ones who I'm now trying to repair damaged relationships with because of her... .they would be gone forever.

Those are just some quick points that come into my head right now but if i sat down and actually spent time on the above, the list Im sure would be limitless.

I just wanted to give an insight to her family morals which i think might be where some of her traits come from. For example, when i was exposed to the text messages from (at the time) 2 different guys. She called her mother to come over. She was afraid I was going to leave at that point and she was in panic mode. So when the mother came over, I said to her (my ex) that she better tell her everything or i would show the mother the actual texts and show her who her 'real' daughter is. I went for a long long walk and when i got back, this is what the mother told me ... .

"texts are just texts, and images are just images. Anyone can do it, its just a bit of fun. My daughter did not cheat on you and unless you see her (my ex) with your own eyes, fcuking someone else, then she did not cheat"

THAT quote, never left me. This woman is in her 60's and she comes out with that statement. I couldnt believe it.

My reply was ... .'So knowing im engaged to your daughter to be married. If I took a photo of my d1ck and sent it to the girl next door, do you think that is acceptable?' ... .she had no answer.

Now what guy wants to have an image in his head of his partner being fcuked by someone else for the rest of his life? According to her, one would have to experience this to confirm his partner was in fact 'cheating'. Seriously some people... .I dont get it. But thats what i had to deal with. She (the mother) was never happy. Always seemed depressed and unmotivated, hadnt worked in year. The father passed away some years back but apparently he was king of having affairs. The brother has major anger issues and is currently serving time in jail. Thats her family. I thought because she was the quite one, with a job and seemed to have a head on her shoulders that she was different. She stood out to me. I met her while out and we just clicked. It was only as time went on and i was exposed to this different elements of her family that alarms bells, well... .they didnt really go off. Everyone is different and I never judge. Thats possibly what got me into trouble in the end.

All these things, the puzzle i talk about, her family, her past, the secrecy, the cheating, the constant lying. Some night she would be telling me she is talking to her boss about work and would sit in another room for hours chatting. Only for me later to discover he was one of many she was with. And here was me saying yeah ok, i'll leave you to chat about work things. good god, i was utterly fooled.

I have plenty of random thoughts like this. Situations i was in, where i was told something and only now realise why said or did things... .was all to cover her herself while she was with me.  She went to some extent to hide who she was. She thought she had me. Im so glad i escaped. My life as I know it would have been non existent. Ive also been told that even if I had of gone through with it and actually killed myself, she would be the one pretending to be the grieving girlfriend. Again loving the attention. Sucking it up with the 'woe is me, i really loved him' crap. She should be locked up away from society altogether.

But i agree Harley, there does seem to be a cycle and I realise that now in changes in my thoughts, my mood, my overall wellbeing. Sometimes im eager to be motivated and sometimes not. Sometimes i want to push and sometimes i just want to go to bed and sleep forever. I just dont want to face the world. I have not had a drink in months, not that i need it, but ive been told that the meds would send me to sleep almost immediately if i did. bit disappointing as sometimes i get invited out by some friends and i have to decline a beer. i pretend im on a diet but i know in my heart that this b1tch has put me in this position where i have restrictions still.

I will definitely have a look at the lessons and see how i go. Thanks for the link btw