Anniversary was great till the actual anniversary

[Depression = 72% of members]

Long - sorry:

So we just celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary.  Together 22 years total, now.

And Friday and Saturday were really good days.  He'd vetoed going anywhere or doing much, so we just planned on staying in.  He hates holiday traffic, and so going to the nearest town for dinner or even staying on the oceanfront there was out of the question in his mind.  I'd asked, and was told no, not this year.

We've been having issues with our internet, and over the last week I learned I was paying far too much for the service we got, plus they are always lackadaisical about fixing issues.  I get very angry talking to the media phone giant because they like to insist it's my modem when the problem started AFTER it rained.  It did not rain in my house, it's the phone line in one of 3 places, that I have learned over the last 9 years at this house - the pole near my house, a junction box 3-4 blocks away, and the main headquarters.  Anyway - had to call them, got stood up after taking off work to deal with them (even though it's not at or in my house, they refuse to look until I am home, so I had to take off Friday afternoon - they sent a tech Thursday, relenting that I did not have to be home, but the hours were submitted and I never got a full debriefing from the tech that things were fixed - I had no idea if they were coming or not - thanks communications media giant.  

This almost messed up H's plans to send me flowers at work - so he arranged for some at work and some at home.  It was very sweet.  He talked me out of calling our ISP Friday afternoon since things seemed to be working and he did not want me angry, so I mowed the lawn instead.  It was hot, and I only did half, but I felt better seeing it done.  Had dinner with bereaved friends, to give them a break from grieving family members, and then came home.

We spent our stay-cation weekend cleaning a bit inside, and Saturday I finally tackled the "office/studio" which has become a glorified closet. Check.  H actually sorted a few things and allowed me to take them to goodwill.  check.  H's new workbench was set up with the greatly appreciated help of a friend.  Check.  He got moody, and started to freak out about how much work the room needs before he can work in there (it must be perfect, built-in shelves, new computer, etc.), but managed to shoo him out and get things done in there.  It now has a clear floor, and everything is accessible even if still cluttered.

Note - I think he sets unreasonable demands at times for things to be "just so" because he knows it will be difficult or impossible, so he will have an excuse to not do things he claims he wants to do.

Saturday we exchanged gifts, and it was nice.  I'd ordered a small version of our wedding cake from a Jamaican bakery in New York (no one here wanted to try to make it/nor would ship it), and had been afraid it would be late, but it came right on Saturday.  I thought he'd liked my gifts - some embroidered monogrammed handkerchiefs (2nd year is cotton?) and a pair of Bluetooth headphones for sleep.  I told him I thanked him for wearing headphones at night so I could sleep, and that I wanted him to see if there were more comfortable for him, since they fit like a sleep mask/headband, and he likes his eyes covered.  I thought he liked them, but now worry now he feels I didn't do enough.  In addition to the flowers, he had a laser cut sign made with our names.  

Sunday, he was on the moody side.  Not terrible, no huge red flags, just moody.  Grumbling about being "old" and "geriatric/sick".  I took bins out to the storeroom that had been in there since last year, that I'd not had the energy to take on the day before.  I knew it would take me time to rearrange all the other bis outside to make these fit.  

I wanted to go see a movie before it left theaters, and figured this might be the last week to do so, he agreed for the late show.  As it approached, his mood got worse.  He lost at some video game, angrily took his shower, complained as he got dressed about how fat, pale and ugly he is.  We left, and the train that cuts our town in 2 4-6 times a day chose that moment to block us from the road to the movie theater.  I took the detour that made the most sense for a southbound train, and his mood got worse.  Something was making him want a fight - I did not relent and did not turn around, knowing we'd make it just fine.  Saw the movie, he was still moody.  He insisted on going to Walmart down the street even though it was like 11:30PM and shopping for laundry hampers.  He was upset my clothes had not been put away.  His never are.  I think this was a lot of projection.  He likes to keep his separated - one dirty hamper for a cold wash, one for hot, and one for clean - everything else clean piles onto the floor.  He hordes old clothes.  He can't part with t-shirts from 15 years ago he will never wear again.  Or old polos, pants that don't fit, etc.  Whatever, he has a hard time letting go of things, unless he's flipped into black and white thinking and it all must go and he goes scorched earth.  His clothes CAN fit, tightly, and would fit fine if he'd let go of about 30% of the clothes he cannot/will not wear.

My clothes fit in my dresser and closet - when I have time and energy to take care of them - I just have not had the time or energy lately.  I told him this, he said he wanted no "guff" from me about it.  I really didn't think it was a fight worth having, went to Walmart.  He started nitpicking the whole time up and down each aisle, as he looked at things, decided to complain how sexist housewares are since they are mostly floral for women, men don't count, blah blah blah, a common refrain.  The jist is this - he decided I am ignoring his say in his house.  He even said at the store that when he dies, which will be soon, I can do what I want, but until then he's the man of the house.  I just did my best to validate, did not want a meltdown in a store, and just wanted to get real food into him, not popcorn, and go home.  

His ego got pricked, not even sure how. I suppose my handling of all the office cleaning and the fact I was on my feet much of each day we had off, taking care of the house bothered him.  Or that he hates it when he realizes how much I do versus how little he does.  But only he can fix that.  I've let things slide to allow him to pick up the slack.  I can't stand the trashbin overflowing or dishes sitting and smelling in the sink until it bothers him enough to DO something.  That never seems to come, and I don't want to live in filth.  So I clean and load and unload things as needed.  :)oes he want to help?  Stop playing games, move your body, stop your muscles from atrophying.  

He seemed betterish when we got home, we picked a quick movie to watch streaming before bed... .And 2:30am the internet went down.  And I could not get it back up.  We went to bed, and he started yelling about how this was my fault for making them mad by telling them to fix our lines, they cut it on purpose, he's going to run down the street to the junction box to rip it apart to force them to replace all the bad wiring, etc.  Basically, he makes crazy threats that will send him to jail to make me "hop-to".  He had no way to fall asleep now since he could not stream a video on his iPad till he dozed off.  I told him to use his phone, I'd get with them in the morning.  After a while, he did this, and I was able to finally go to sleep.

Monday, actual anniversary - I woke up with a horrible migraine, no sleep, knew things were going to be bad all day.  I got up early, could not sleep, knowing it was slated to just be a bad day.  I got a huge runaround from our ISP - first, they needed to come back and check our lines.  I told them NO, it's outside, again.  Told me ok, they'd send someone Wednesday to take a look.  Told them NO, I need an answer since it's a rare day off and we had plans that included the use of our internet - all our TV and much of our music is streaming based these days, as are H's games.  The system won't even work unless it's online.  

I called, H woke up, came in, looked at me with daggers, I was on hold so he started in on me about our "demands" from the company, and yes, he smacked my hand when he thought I was shouting at him.  He does not get physical very often, and very rarely is any contact made.  I was yelling back.  I yelled, "this is not my fault - I am not [business name]."  And he started in on whose fault IS it then, who can I go kick.  He needed to yell at a person, and guess what, it's me. Yay. He yelled he did not want to go outside and sun (he liked it last time we did it).  He did not want to see friends (had a few calls for BBQs).  He did not want to be romantic, or whatever (he decided I was disappointed we had nothing planned?  I don't know.)

My head hurt, I was tired, and I knew that the actual anniversary day would make him dysregulate and I was right.    It's just like Christmas or birthdays.  I could not feel sorry he had no games to play and he might have to do a little cleaning if he could not self-entertain, paint like he said he wanted, or gosh watch a DVD.  Oh darn.  Exactly what I'd been doing since Friday, and usually do on weekends.  

I finally got through to a human being, in the right service area (supposedly), was told some implausible story of a 'widespread outage" in our area (I'd already checked with people near me, they had service, outage maps showed nothing in our area, I felt they were not being fully forthcoming.).  I finally got as much information as they would give, and not much else could be done, so I went to deal with getting my laundry put away.  I tried a few overtures for calm, got rebuffed, went away.  He finally came into the bedroom where I was almost done with hanging up dresses (dresses are just weird, they are all different and I hate taking the time to hang them up), got overwhelmed by his pile of clothes, but I just grabbed things and started folding and sorting them.  He DID make an effort at that point.  He started putting them away, pulled a few items for donation.  By the end, his clothes were all put away.  I got a few comments about how he feels helpless.  Taken advantage of.  Useless.  Tired of being sick (then take better care of yourself dammit).  He stated he did not want to stay home next year, he wants to go somewhere.  (he vetoed that this year, I wanted a simple beach trip, who cares if people will be on holiday, too? guess I get to see what we can do for next year.)

I left for weekly groceries, and on my way out I just told him, 'I am sorry for how today has been,  I did not want it to be like this, either."

I got back, he was moving into poor me mode instead of rage at Isilme mode.  I keep things null emotionally at this point, just make dinner, let him know it's done.  We get through the evening quietly, he seems slikghlt mollified, and we will just see how the eest of the week goes.

Internet seemed to come back on about 12:30 AM last night, dropped again intermittently this moring about 7AM.  Sigh.  



 

[isilme]

Long - sorry:

So we just celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary.  Together 22 years total, now.

And Friday and Saturday were really good days.  He'd vetoed going anywhere or doing much, so we just planned on staying in.  He hates holiday traffic, and so going to the nearest town for dinner or even staying on the oceanfront there was out of the question in his mind.  I'd asked, and was told no, not this year.

We've been having issues with our internet, and over the last week I learned I was paying far too much for the service we got, plus they are always lackadaisical about fixing issues.  I get very angry talking to the media phone giant because they like to insist it's my modem when the problem started AFTER it rained.  It did not rain in my house, it's the phone line in one of 3 places, that I have learned over the last 9 years at this house - the pole near my house, a junction box 3-4 blocks away, and the main headquarters.  Anyway - had to call them, got stood up after taking off work to deal with them (even though it's not at or in my house, they refuse to look until I am home, so I had to take off Friday afternoon - they sent a tech Thursday, relenting that I did not have to be home, but the hours were submitted and I never got a full debriefing from the tech that things were fixed - I had no idea if they were coming or not - thanks communications media giant.  

This almost messed up H's plans to send me flowers at work - so he arranged for some at work and some at home.  It was very sweet.  He talked me out of calling our ISP Friday afternoon since things seemed to be working and he did not want me angry, so I mowed the lawn instead.  It was hot, and I only did half, but I felt better seeing it done.  Had dinner with bereaved friends, to give them a break from grieving family members, and then came home.

We spent our stay-cation weekend cleaning a bit inside, and Saturday I finally tackled the "office/studio" which has become a glorified closet. Check.  H actually sorted a few things and allowed me to take them to goodwill.  check.  H's new workbench was set up with the greatly appreciated help of a friend.  Check.  He got moody, and started to freak out about how much work the room needs before he can work in there (it must be perfect, built-in shelves, new computer, etc.), but managed to shoo him out and get things done in there.  It now has a clear floor, and everything is accessible even if still cluttered.

Note - I think he sets unreasonable demands at times for things to be "just so" because he knows it will be difficult or impossible, so he will have an excuse to not do things he claims he wants to do.

Saturday we exchanged gifts, and it was nice.  I'd ordered a small version of our wedding cake from a Jamaican bakery in New York (no one here wanted to try to make it/nor would ship it), and had been afraid it would be late, but it came right on Saturday.  I thought he'd liked my gifts - some embroidered monogrammed handkerchiefs (2nd year is cotton?) and a pair of Bluetooth headphones for sleep.  I told him I thanked him for wearing headphones at night so I could sleep, and that I wanted him to see if there were more comfortable for him, since they fit like a sleep mask/headband, and he likes his eyes covered.  I thought he liked them, but now worry now he feels I didn't do enough.  In addition to the flowers, he had a laser cut sign made with our names.  

Sunday, he was on the moody side.  Not terrible, no huge red flags, just moody.  Grumbling about being "old" and "geriatric/sick".  I took bins out to the storeroom that had been in there since last year, that I'd not had the energy to take on the day before.  I knew it would take me time to rearrange all the other bis outside to make these fit.  

I wanted to go see a movie before it left theaters, and figured this might be the last week to do so, he agreed for the late show.  As it approached, his mood got worse.  He lost at some video game, angrily took his shower, complained as he got dressed about how fat, pale and ugly he is.  We left, and the train that cuts our town in 2 4-6 times a day chose that moment to block us from the road to the movie theater.  I took the detour that made the most sense for a southbound train, and his mood got worse.  Something was making him want a fight - I did not relent and did not turn around, knowing we'd make it just fine.  Saw the movie, he was still moody.  He insisted on going to Walmart down the street even though it was like 11:30PM and shopping for laundry hampers.  He was upset my clothes had not been put away.  His never are.  I think this was a lot of projection.  He likes to keep his separated - one dirty hamper for a cold wash, one for hot, and one for clean - everything else clean piles onto the floor.  He hordes old clothes.  He can't part with t-shirts from 15 years ago he will never wear again.  Or old polos, pants that don't fit, etc.  Whatever, he has a hard time letting go of things, unless he's flipped into black and white thinking and it all must go and he goes scorched earth.  His clothes CAN fit, tightly, and would fit fine if he'd let go of about 30% of the clothes he cannot/will not wear.

My clothes fit in my dresser and closet - when I have time and energy to take care of them - I just have not had the time or energy lately.  I told him this, he said he wanted no "guff" from me about it.  I really didn't think it was a fight worth having, went to Walmart.  He started nitpicking the whole time up and down each aisle, as he looked at things, decided to complain how sexist housewares are since they are mostly floral for women, men don't count, blah blah blah, a common refrain.  The jist is this - he decided I am ignoring his say in his house.  He even said at the store that when he dies, which will be soon, I can do what I want, but until then he's the man of the house.  I just did my best to validate, did not want a meltdown in a store, and just wanted to get real food into him, not popcorn, and go home.  

His ego got pricked, not even sure how. I suppose my handling of all the office cleaning and the fact I was on my feet much of each day we had off, taking care of the house bothered him.  Or that he hates it when he realizes how much I do versus how little he does.  But only he can fix that.  I've let things slide to allow him to pick up the slack.  I can't stand the trashbin overflowing or dishes sitting and smelling in the sink until it bothers him enough to DO something.  That never seems to come, and I don't want to live in filth.  So I clean and load and unload things as needed.  :)oes he want to help?  Stop playing games, move your body, stop your muscles from atrophying.  

He seemed betterish when we got home, we picked a quick movie to watch streaming before bed... .And 2:30am the internet went down.  And I could not get it back up.  We went to bed, and he started yelling about how this was my fault for making them mad by telling them to fix our lines, they cut it on purpose, he's going to run down the street to the junction box to rip it apart to force them to replace all the bad wiring, etc.  Basically, he makes crazy threats that will send him to jail to make me "hop-to".  He had no way to fall asleep now since he could not stream a video on his iPad till he dozed off.  I told him to use his phone, I'd get with them in the morning.  After a while, he did this, and I was able to finally go to sleep.

Monday, actual anniversary - I woke up with a horrible migraine, no sleep, knew things were going to be bad all day.  I got up early, could not sleep, knowing it was slated to just be a bad day.  I got a huge runaround from our ISP - first, they needed to come back and check our lines.  I told them NO, it's outside, again.  Told me ok, they'd send someone Wednesday to take a look.  Told them NO, I need an answer since it's a rare day off and we had plans that included the use of our internet - all our TV and much of our music is streaming based these days, as are H's games.  The system won't even work unless it's online.  

I called, H woke up, came in, looked at me with daggers, I was on hold so he started in on me about our "demands" from the company, and yes, he smacked my hand when he thought I was shouting at him.  He does not get physical very often, and very rarely is any contact made.  I was yelling back.  I yelled, "this is not my fault - I am not [business name]."  And he started in on whose fault IS it then, who can I go kick.  He needed to yell at a person, and guess what, it's me. Yay. He yelled he did not want to go outside and sun (he liked it last time we did it).  He did not want to see friends (had a few calls for BBQs).  He did not want to be romantic, or whatever (he decided I was disappointed we had nothing planned?  I don't know.)

My head hurt, I was tired, and I knew that the actual anniversary day would make him dysregulate and I was right.    It's just like Christmas or birthdays.  I could not feel sorry he had no games to play and he might have to do a little cleaning if he could not self-entertain, paint like he said he wanted, or gosh watch a DVD.  Oh darn.  Exactly what I'd been doing since Friday, and usually do on weekends.  

I finally got through to a human being, in the right service area (supposedly), was told some implausible story of a 'widespread outage" in our area (I'd already checked with people near me, they had service, outage maps showed nothing in our area, I felt they were not being fully forthcoming.).  I finally got as much information as they would give, and not much else could be done, so I went to deal with getting my laundry put away.  I tried a few overtures for calm, got rebuffed, went away.  He finally came into the bedroom where I was almost done with hanging up dresses (dresses are just weird, they are all different and I hate taking the time to hang them up), got overwhelmed by his pile of clothes, but I just grabbed things and started folding and sorting them.  He DID make an effort at that point.  He started putting them away, pulled a few items for donation.  By the end, his clothes were all put away.  I got a few comments about how he feels helpless.  Taken advantage of.  Useless.  Tired of being sick (then take better care of yourself dammit).  He stated he did not want to stay home next year, he wants to go somewhere.  (he vetoed that this year, I wanted a simple beach trip, who cares if people will be on holiday, too? guess I get to see what we can do for next year.)

I left for weekly groceries, and on my way out I just told him, 'I am sorry for how today has been,  I did not want it to be like this, either."

I got back, he was moving into poor me mode instead of rage at Isilme mode.  I keep things null emotionally at this point, just make dinner, let him know it's done.  We get through the evening quietly, he seems slikghlt mollified, and we will just see how the eest of the week goes.

Internet seemed to come back on about 12:30 AM last night, dropped again intermittently this moring about 7AM.  Sigh.  



 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

And we are home from work and i made a confused face to a question about the laundry bins he insisted on getting and setting up.  He asked me how i had planned to use them... .it was not my plan, the question made no sense to me. 

.  Shouting, ranting about how i am a terrible nag who doesnt value him, and yes, a slap to my head just happened.  My car does not work right now, no where to go, leaving will just escalate it.  He is basiclaly projecting all things he hates about himself into me right now, pcikng the fight he did not get sunday.   Am the cause of all bad things.  He hates me, just called me fat again.  I am trying to just ride it out.  I hate this. 

He is claiming he thinks he is having a heart attxk his blood pressure is too low, and its my fault for picking a fight.  Skmething is screwy in him. This is like when he was unrehulated sugar and he was hungry crazy.  We have an appt tomorrow and bloodwork the next day.  I dont know if this is all fear bundled up or what.  Claims i ruined our anniversary by calling att (after he demanded i call them).

I just want to be forgotten right now.  Am sitting as still as i can, stealing a minute tomtype this.  I realize i jaded at the first onset.  Its just not been this bad in amlong time. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Isilme, 

I'm sorry that what would be so nice to have be lovely (anniversary) was not at all. Some extra hugs for you.    Thank you for sharing your current life here with us. It takes courage to do so.

Much of what you've mentioned are behaviors I've seen in my DH too. The moodiness, projecting, anger, blaming... .so familiar. It is so tough. The dysregulation is hard for the spouse or SO, especially when you want to matter so much to them and just to be cared for.

You mentioned the slap to the head and some comments about not having a car right now. Can you share with me what types of plans you have to de escalate things when they are becoming physical? Do you have any plan in place? Are you feeling afraid right now?

 
Wools

[isilme]

No plan. I am too ashamed to ask help from friends, no family at all of my own. Not running to his.  They’d take my side, which would certainly be the betrayal he’s accusing me of.   Things have calmed for now. Not good, still on the edge, but I am ready for bed, out of shower, done everything I need to in the bathroom.

I can walk to my work bldg if I need to and use my key to get in I suppose. Keeping purse by door...   I have an office and can sleep on the floor if things get scary.  Sad thing is, it’s still nothing compared to my dads rages, so I guess I can handle it for now.

Everything under the sun he hates about himself is my fault tonight.  He’s been itching for a fight since Sunday.  Guess the anniversary expectations plus the fears he’s having about health are too much.  He pulled a fight on the anniversary last year too. 

I just need to get to bed, and see if he will refrain from picking at me and just ignore me.  That’s all I want right now.  I need a cry, but can’t do it now.  My dissociative wall is up.  I know my broken self is part of this, but it’s all I can do in these nights.

I am mad I let myself be hit in the last two days.  I am ashamed.  And I don’t know what is wrong.  He’s past normal moody. 

[Radcliff]

isilme,

I am so sorry that things are rough now.  You did not "let yourself get hit."  When we are committed to Bettering, we take the challenge to look at our role in nearly every situation in an effort to stop making things worse.  This is an effective strategy with many BPD behaviors, but not so with domestic violence.  It is easy to carry our "Bettering" focus on self improvement too far, so that we believe we share responsibility for the violence.  This is not fair to ourselves.  This is not an effective way to think.

It is natural to feel ashamed when we experience humiliating and dangerous behavior.  But it is nothing to be ashamed about.  You did nothing to deserve this, or to invite it.

It's also natural to want things to get back to normal, to not want to make waves, and to bury what happened.  Ignoring it sets us up for it happening again.  The issue needs to be addressed.  Unfortunately, for Bettering folk like us, our urge to get back to a white period and prolong it discourages us from doing this.

Has the issue of the slap to your hand or the slap to your head come up between in discussion since they happened?

The best chance of nipping this in the bud is shining daylight on it.  I understand your reluctance to go to his family.  Are there any of them who would be the best bet to receive the information, and talk to him, while staying centered and not participating in a drama triangle?

Are these the first incidents of violence in your relationship?  If not, what was the worst, and have far back was it?  Before this week's problem, how long ago was the most recent violence, if any?

WW

[isilme]

His family is a no.  I made that mistake early on, but they have enough "fleas" and/or are part of the problem that shaped how he thinks and feels as it is.  His mom and sister are a big part of a recurring theme of resentment towards women.  His mom especially makes "men are just stupid" comments, which I hate, because misandry is no better than misogyny.  It's the same damn thing.  And it damaged her son.  A lot of his anger is often memories of them as he perceives them being mean to him or ignoring him, making fun of him, or embarrassing him, projhected onto me.  He found I'd looked for an ally in his mom and that was the biggest betrayal of all.  And it embarrassed him.  You know BPD is managed by taboos.  I broke one.  And, his mom tends to make things worse, so I know she's no help, the sister who actually lives one block away is no help and in fact mirrors H at times just as af female version, and I can see now how her husband works to manage her reactions to things. 

He is very focused on issues centered on being embarrassed - he brought this up last night how I have always embarrassed him and "never apologized."  some things that happened early on in our relationship, like my BPD dad finding my diary after he kicked me out, and photocopying pages where young virgin isilme wrote of stolen kisses and early forays into the physical in an attempt to paint me as a whore so H's family would hate me and turn me out into the street.  H has never forgiven me for daring write in a private journal private thoughts.  It's not my dad he blames for it, it's me.  A stray comment he felt embarrassed by on a boat trip (I was in a skirt, and he was rushing me down a ladder, I asked him to slow so I could not flash the boat) about 2008 still makes him mad.  He made a rude comment on a trip with friends about 2005 while I was brushing my teeth and I snapped back - he still brings it up. 

I told him at the time to not hit me.  It is not a common thing.  He will throw things.  Throw them at me sometimes, but where rages like this used to be pretty common, a few a month, lately they had been about 1-2 a year.  Minor fights in between that ended rather quickly, but not ones that seem to last over a week.

Looking back over the last month, in his mind I have "defied" him when discussing home repairs to be done.  He has a lot of expensive, grandiose desires to make our "hovel" better.  I think many are unnecessary, impractical, or would be regretted.  He wants built-in everything.  I don't.  I like things to be able to be moved as life changes circumstances.  He wants to open up our office into the living room - I don't, as it's the only room we can lock our cats out of when things like paintings are drying.  He wants stainless steel counters in the kitchen (no one even puts these in down here) - I think that will make an unGodly amount of noise as people cook.  I want something simple, durable, and affordable, but kinda don't care as long as it will last and look ok.  He told me a few months ago he wants these huge lounge chairs in our living room.  I pointed out they'd remove space for his drawing table and make it even more difficult for guests to walk around... .defiance.

He is resenting me making changes to get myself healthy and influence his health.  He drops the ball constantly about things and is mad when I just start doing them - nothing is said, I just do it, to simply get them done and make things easier overall.  But somethow to him that is a form of nagging.  He doesn't know what nagging IS.  I don't do it.  I grew up taught to be unseen or unheard.  I'm pretty good at it. 

Last night started over his new laundry system.  he yelled at me Sunday about my pile of clean clothes, insisting I must have too many clothes for my closet and got mad at my claim "I can put it away when I have time and energy, I just have not had those recently".  I was "giving him guff".  and got yelled at for being a mean feminist who thinks I know more than a man (I am not a feminist... .I hate how modern ideas have warped basic equality ideals, but he was mad at a woman, and that must be brought up, to get back at his mom who is an hour away and doesn't even know that conversation took place).

He insisted on buying new hampers.  he set them up.  He took one I'd tossed my dirty clothes into and put it where I assumed he wanted it, and then last night asked ME how MY sorting was going to work.  I made a confused place, and was like, "You told me how it would work, it was late, so I'm not sure.  What do you want to do?"  This was me picking a fight apparently.  The rest of the night ensued.

I think a lot has piled up into his head - he has been very negative and very down for weeks.  Months.  He feels ill, and its a feedback loop with his emotions, each feeding the other so his body and his mind are both just miserable.  And he HAS been through the wringer physically. 

I think he is ashamed I do so much around the house.  He is acting as if I quietly clean to make him feel bad.  No.  I just like the sink to not smell.  He is mad I make more money - I've been working 7.5 years longer than he has and didn't take 12 years to finish college.  He is ashamed he is simply bad at adulting well.  Sure, he'd make it on his own.  He'd have late bills, never files taxes before the 15th of April, and his clothes would be a mess and NOTHING at the house would ever be fixed or cleaned.  But he'd live off hot pockets and crap food. 

I think my cleaning and working to get his workspace as close to how he wants it barring a lot of carpentry work, made him mad, not happy.  Because he felt guilty.  So in return, he has to attack me to make me feel bad.  He tells me I'm not to be his "mom", but then yells at me for not cooking dinner after being told to leave him alone.

I don't know what to do about the hitting - it's rare, so twice in 2 days is a really freakish event and I am still very surprised.  Shocked.  I don't know how a question about LAUNDRY could ever be that emotional for ANYONE.  I push it at this time, he will insist like last night that I deserved it and he'd hit a man who mad him mad.  He dared me to post on facebook how I was a poor battered woman, Knowing I'd do no such thing.  He told me he knows I'm "not afraid of him because I am twice as big as him."  Fat comment, thanks.  Gosh, if I had adequate help and rest at home, I'd likely make less cortisol and lose weight.    I bring it up when the toxic shame finally kicks in, I will be kicking him when he's down.  I have no idea how to address it.  And it DOES trigger little Isilme who would run and hide from her dad when he'd pick her up by her hair and throw her before getting his belt.  Or threatening the family with a knife.  So I revert. 

He's still a mess today.  He hates everything and everyone and everyone is out to get him, out to take advantage of him, and he is looking for reasons to be mad, and inventing them.  He seemed ok for a few minutes after todays exam, but then was rude again at home.  I don't know.  I think I will mow the back yard tonight.  It's bothering me and gives me a reason to be out of the house, shower early, and calim exhaustion to go to bed. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi isilme,

I'm so sorry to hear that things escalate to the point of your husband getting physical with you.  Do you feel safe around him?  How long ago is it since the first time one of his rages led to physical violence?

I know you've said that you feel uncomfortable speaking to your friends about what goes on, and I can understand that.  It's my guess that your friends would be upset to think of you going through this alone.  Speaking to someone really makes a difference.  I had one friend I confided in and I really felt a huge weight lift for doing so.  Maybe you'd feel more comfortable contacting a local domestic abuse service to speak to someone in confidence?   

Love and light x   

[isilme]

Ok. We got home from work, he was subdued, and HE brought it up. Said he should not have hit me or acted that way, he doesn’t know what’s wrong.

 He is angry, hates himself, feels impotent in all things, life, work, and there’s the physical issues that haven’t gone away, either.  He feels crappy, tired, gaining weight, embarrassed of how he looks, and a lot of his self esteem is tied to looks. 

I spent today looking over low testosterone issues (part of what we are getting bloodwork for tomorrow), and these are some of the emotional issues.

Moodiness
Mood swings
Depression
Low self worth
Irritability

So basically, he’s worse than me on my period.  I am hoping his md next week can get his hormones stable.  I think this will go a long way.

Harley, over the last 22 years, I’d say he’s gotten actually physical less than 10 times.  He’s hit walls, and done other things, broken stuff, but actually shoving or touching or hitting me in anger is VERY uncommon.  He used to pinch my arm when he was raging in public but did not want anyone but me to know, but he hasn’t done that in ages, like 10 years. 

Sure, when the rage starts I am scared.  But as I said, part of that is me flashing back to childhood.  Also, in a few cases, I’ve shoved back... .I have a weird reflex from childhood and have unintentionally hurt people who’ve startled me as a joke, and so I now freeze to prevent myself from hurting people. My fight or flight reactions are messed up.  I did not grow up play fighting with siblings and was not allowed friends.  So when I finally made friends, I learned I don’t know my own strength and it’s best to not engage.  I busted a girls lip at a slumber party in high school when she would not stop trying to tickle me... .I’d said no over and over and then reacted.  A guy friend liked to sneak up on me.  I was not used to being touched at all (parents withheld affection) and I knocked him to the floor before I knew what happened.  Another was bad about invading my space and told me he finally landed after I’d elbowed him unconsciously for a few years. 

So yes, I am scared twofold.  I am shocked he got that angry so fast, it happens literally in a span of seconds.  I am like, what the heck happened?  Oh crap.  How do I dial this back?  Sometimes my attempts to not react are seen as invalidating, and drive the rage higher.  I am also scared if I react I will hurt him, and things can never be dialed back.  It’s not that I fear he will hurt me hurt me... .if that makes sense.  I’m just freaked it got that far in the first place.

No, I am not where I want to talk to a DV center, or need to.  It IS something I feel ashamed of, yes, because I feel I failed at seeing where things were going.  And this is not ‘him’. Not enough of him I need to tarnish him to anyone in real life about.  I confided in a friend we’d had some pretty ugly fights over the last 3days, and a coworker.  That helped, even if I did not go into the detail I can with you guys.  He’s still on edge.  His physical and mine are next week, will see how his sugar is... .he treats it like the SAT or something, not like a measure just to see if his meds are still working.  I will finally ask about my weird headaches, chest pain, trouble with sleep and weight loss.  Here’s hoping some testosterone treatment helps.

[Radcliff]

That's great that you both are going for physicals to help sort out any medical issues.

Thanks for detailing the frequency of violence in the past.  That's a good thing that he acknowledged that hitting you is wrong.  His sense of entitlement -- that he'd hit someone who upset him -- is concerning.  If he smacked you on the head again, what would you do?

WW

[isilme]

WW.  Good question.  I "should" get up, grab my keys and go.  I don't know if I can.  I really don't.  I can leave the room sometimes, early in a fight, and things cool down much quicker.  I can go outside, or in some cases I can leave the house.  If it's gotten to a slap, he's in a bad place, and I don't know if I can overcome my childhood reaction of freezing to not attract a predator's attention?  A few times I shoved back, and even have grabbed his hand to try to force him to stop walking away, to let me have my say.  Those were much more volatile times.  Again, it's such a surprise, all tools go out the window.  The times things like this have happened literally went from fine to all-out rage in like, a few words.  A sentence's worth of time.  I can see an undercurrent of crankiness, and I can try to validate, but I can't be perfect, that's not possible, and like in this case, who thinks anyone would get that angry over how to sort laundry? 

Also, the sense of entitlement seems to pretty much just go hand in hand with the whole BPD mess in the first place.  He is right for getting unreasonably upset at the time, no one else has any rights.  later, in the aftermath, (Tattered had a good chart, can't remember the conflict cycle) he has fallen into deciding he's the scum of the earth.  Then a few days later he resets and we're on even footing for a while.  Basically, (and this is not just my H, but seems to be a common BPD-thing) it looks like a pwBPD feels (ha) their feelings matter more than those of others, and they are so consumed by their own feelings that our feelings really don't register, don't matter at certain times, or can easily be disregarded.  Its like animal farm, some feelings are more equal than others.  so yeah, it's disturbing, but it's just another factor of BPD.  Also, he would NOT hit just anyone he's in an argument with.  I think the only other person (outside of junior high scuffles and boy-hood rock fights) he's ever shoved at all was his little brother... .who sadly also has some emotional maladjustments - he has always been ragey.  That statement was just a BPD-boast/justification/claim, to offset the fact he'd hit me, and I think even at that point was back peddling a little to make it "okay" and not his fault. 

I guess the foreboding I've been feeling was this building up.  We got the blood draw done this morning, they can make sure his current medications are correct in dose, and see if a testosterone supplement can help with many of his other concerns. 

[Harley Quinn]

isilme, I know you're hesitant to speak about this and if you decided to speak to a local service it would be confidential.  They could help you to come up with a safety plan to ensure you are prepared if you find yourself at risk.  It is helpful just to be on the safe side to know in advance what you will do.  I used to find I'd go blank when I was fearful and sensed what was coming.  It really helped me to sit and talk it through with someone and increased my confidence in my own ability to keep safe.  Just know it's an option for you. 

Do the incidents all happen at home?  I'd suggest that if you feel he is becoming angry that you try to avoid the kitchen, bathroom or garage if you have one.

Also, he would NOT hit just anyone he's in an argument with.  I think the only other person (outside of junior high scuffles and boy-hood rock fights) he's ever shoved at all was his little brother... .who sadly also has some emotional maladjustments - he has always been ragey.  That statement was just a BPD-boast/justification/claim, to offset the fact he'd hit me, and I think even at that point was back peddling a little to make it "okay" and not his fault. 

If he isn't reacting the same way with others then that means he can choose not to.  How do the conversations between you go afterwards?  What have you said?  I'm wondering if you are being cautious about what you say in order to not trigger him again.

Said he should not have hit me or acted that way, he doesn’t know what’s wrong.

 He is angry, hates himself, feels impotent in all things, life, work, and there’s the physical issues that haven’t gone away, either.  He feels crappy, tired, gaining weight, embarrassed of how he looks, and a lot of his self esteem is tied to looks. 

Has he acknowledged past incidents previously?  I'm curious if this is a new step in the right direction that he's raised the topic himself and admitted it was wrong.  If so that is great news.  Did he offer any thoughts around how he can handle things differently in the future?  Promises maybe about getting the behaviour under control?

Sorry for all the questions!  Get back to me with what you can in your own time.  I just want to understand the big picture and to know that you're safe.

Love and light x   

[Radcliff]

Harley Quinn has some good advice and questions.

I'll reply on the narrow topic of what to do if he slaps you, a situation where you don't feel any further danger but he has lashed out physically once.  This type of assault can be easy to brush off because we don't feel in further physical danger.  If we react to it, the pwBPD will likely say we are overreacting, and since they are no longer hitting us, it's easy to believe them.  It's further complicated if you see the current situation as an improvement over an abusive upbringing.  You deserve to NEVER be hit.

I'm not going to tell you that after 20 years he is going to inevitably slide into escalating violence (though in my case my wife did seriously escalate two decades into the marriage).  But I do hope that we can work with you on a response that feels validating and protective to you.  The emotional cost of being subjected to violence is just too high to let it continue, even infrequently.

The urge to freeze makes sense, especially if you've had experiences where running away or fighting back did not work out well.  Freezing gives us time to think through a response.  Try to reframe the freeze as an empowered tactic, not a sign of helplessness.  You are just getting your bearings before acting.

Logic and words won't work.  You can't convince him in the moment that he's done something wrong.  You need to speak with action.

Let me throw out a few possibilities.  Let us know what you think of them.  This is just a brainstorm; I'm not selling any of them as the "correct" response for your situation.

* Stand up, or stand up straighter, and say in a confident voice, "You do not EVER hit me."  Then slowly and calmy go to the another room and busy yourself with something (I like folding laundry, doing dishes, or yardwork when I need to look busy but am upset).

* Stand up, or stand up straighter, and say in a confident voice, "You do not EVER hit me.  I am going to my friend's house for two hours, then I will call and if you are calm and it is safe, I will come home."

* Stand up, or stand up straighter, and say in a confident voice, "You do not EVER hit me.  I am going out for a couple of hours, then I will call and if you are calm and it is safe, I will come home.  If you are not calm, I will come home with the police."  Then do one of these things:
    - Call a domestic violence hotline to get a pep talk
    - Go to the police station, and ask to talk to an officer for advice.  Ask them how they would respond if you called them to your house for a similar incident. 

Notice that in most of these scenarios, you are immediately reaching outside the relationship for support.  You may or may not choose at first to tell him that you will tell outsiders.  If the behavior continues, however, you will want to make it clear to him that you are reaching outside for support and are telling the truth about what's happening.

Let us know what you think about those possible responses.  Can you think of any other possibilities?

WW

[isilme]

Harley,

Thanks - I know it's hard to explain, but in this tiny, rural community, NOTHING is confidential, and resources are scarce.  I learned this when I was put into the therapy by my dad to deal with my parents' divorce.  it was actually just a good way for my dad to try to dig up what I was saying about him and punish me later - the T told him what I'd say, so I kept the talking points to TV shows and what I figured they expected to hear - not, "1 month ago dad was threatening family-murder suicide but I had to paint him white to survive in my own head and make it through this".  I was 15.  Before that, I had many school counselors try to pry out of me the causes for my obvious weird behavior - I was parentified at home, and so never acted like a normal kid.  Anyway, I never got help when I HAVE reached out to anyone, it's always just made things worse.  And my goal is to not make things worse. 

He told me multiple times over the weekend he is very ashamed of how he has been acting, how he behaved - I think he disassociates quite a bit when he hits that point, and so I don't know how much he actually remembers, and how much he tries to forget.  I usually get up and walkway BEFORE he hits that DefCon 1, but this time he went all the way down the scale super fast - it all pretty much happened before I realized he was there, and I was JADEing a lot not seeing what deep crap was going on.  This was a very unusual (for today) incident.  Him at 25, not a hitter, but his anger would do this, mood swing like crazy.  In recent years, he's been a bit more predictable?  Less volatile overall?   

In other notes, I also got pretty sick this weekend, and he gave me no crap at all about being in bed, pretty much all day, trying to get over some flu-stomach bug virus going around.  Usually, he lets me sleep a few hours and then freaks out at being "abandoned" in the front room.  Instead I was able to spend all day Friday and Saturday in bed, and then was still messed up and on the couch all day yesterday.  It was weird, usually he comes and pokes me to wake me up. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi isilme,

How are you doing?  Hope you're feeling better now.  I wanted to respond to your thoughts about confidentiality.  Perhaps contacting a national line would feel more comfortable to you?  The website of the national hotline - Hotline.org - is excellent and offers lots of information, plus the opportunity to contact them direct.  Here's the link to their page which includes information around safety planning:

Path to safety

I usually get up and walkway BEFORE he hits that DefCon 1, but this time he went all the way down the scale super fast - it all pretty much happened before I realized he was there, and I was JADEing a lot not seeing what deep crap was going on.

If there is a shift in his behaviour which means you could be caught off guard again, then it's advisable to look into a safety plan for yourself as I found that in the moment it's really difficult to think straight, so knowing ahead of time what to do was a massive reassurance for me.  I appreciate that you've been let down by people offering support in the past and I hope that you won't let that stop you from helping yourself to remain safe in the future.  It's hard to trust when you've not been shown that your trust was respected previously.  I get that.     

You mention JADEing.  Which of the tools do you find is most helpful usually when your husband is working his way through the Defcon stages?  Is there a tried and tested means to diffuse the situation or do you find that removing yourself is the best way to safeguard yourself?

Love and light x

[isilme]

Harley,

Things seem to be better right now.  We have both gotten over the weird virus from the end of last week, have our physicals tomorrow so hopefully, he will get some answers he's been wanting, got another diagnostic to try to see if we can finally ID what causes the kidney stones so we can stop them from forming.  A friend is willing to work with him (seems excited, even) on creating a good workspace for him in our catch-all room that is intended to be more of a studio, and H is willing to let me help sort through things to clear out clutter.  It's funny because the friend has been called a male version of me, partly because his wife can act like my H, but H listens to him where the same words from me can be ignored or cause a fight.   

As bad as it was to set up and clarify, the laundry solution HAS decluttered the room substantially.  And I know clutter is both comforting and stressful to him, coming from a hoarding home.  For me, it's just a reminder of work I've put off, so not having laundry all over my floor has made ME feel better.  And now, with his permission to combine loads, I have fewer to do. 

The behavior shift was creeping up on me, I could sense his testiness.  I just missed the mark.  I can take a look at the site you shared, thank you.  Local is just bad for me, always has been, which is part of why I am here.   

I am still planning to get my car functioning, inspected, registered and prepped for trade-in/sale soon, but that will give me access to my own car to leave if need be. 

Which of the tools do you find is most helpful usually when your husband is working his way through the Defcon stages?

It can be confusing.  On a "normal" day, I can cautiously Justify, try not to argue, but I DO Defend and/or Explain as I can when there is an issue.  And it CAN work, just like with non-BPD people, once they KNOW why you did something, they can stop being upset about it.  If I miss the signs or realize whoops, stop it, I get quiet and engage in non-judgemental active listening.  I think this is a form of validation, and work to make him feel heard, and his thoughts and feelings valued even if I can't agree.  If he is just plain fussy, but has not exploded, I set about my day, do what chores I can to avoid the room he's in, do yard work, run errands and go to the store, whatever needs to be done if I have the energy.

Lately, it's the lack of energy that is an issue.  We have a house, but it's small, 850 sq ft, about the size of some people's apartments and certainly not what people in more affluent areas picture when you say "house".  We have 3 interior doors.  Tiny bathroom.  Bedroom, office/studio/mess room.  One hallway.  One functioning exit door.  Lots of places to get bottlenecked inside, where I'd have to engage physically to get out, which would escalate things.  If I am in the kitchen, I am trapped.  If I am in the bedroom, I am trapped.  Basically, an argument anywhere but the living room, I am trapped if it's at a level where I'd leave for safety.  Again, I have not feared for my safety, just felt ashamed it got that far, shocked it happened, and by then it's best to freeze for me.  If I can get out before it hits that level, it's okay.  He may slip from rage to silent treatment in my trip to the store, and be okay within 4-12 hours.  I can deal with silent treatment. 

But I have been rather worn out this year.  Trying to manage my small department full time at work, and do all the housecare, yard care, petcare, and still make time for exercise, I am tired.  Even doing house-triage and letting things slide (like my car registration) I am tired.  I am 41, I feel the difference from 21.  My insomnia is finally catching up to me big time.  I can't function on 4 hours sleep like I could in my 20s or 30s, and can't seem to find how to sleep better.  I don't want pills.  My mom was hooked on sleeping pills, she tried to get me hooked on sleeping pills.  I know I liked her sleeping pills.  That scares me. 

I have a list for my doctor tomorrow to ask about - how much of this is normal aging, how much can she help me with, and how much is my new normal?  I feel I am running a fever pretty much every night by 7PM.  I have sinus headaches, migraines, and now weird scalp-sharp-stabbing-making-my-hair-hurt headaches on top of them.  I seem to have blood from my nose almost every day or so now, not a lot, but seriously, that can't be good.  He has his own list, hopefully we can get his issues better sorted too.

here's hoping.

[Woolspinner2000]

Glad things have temporarily settled for you. The quiet is nice.

I hope you find some answers when you see the doctor or get pointed in the right direction. I think you also have a good plan by getting your car fixed. It's a way to have an option open to you, a bit of control and empowerment for you.

 
Wools

[walkinthepark247]

“Stand up, or stand up straighter, and say in a confident voice, "You do not EVER hit me.”

I remember the first time I did this. It was extremely liberating. These events would often begin with my wife jabbing her finger into my chest. I would freeze and not know which way to go. Like a deer in the headlights. Mostly, I would remain silent and “take it”. It would then escalate (strictly from her) into all level of punching, kicking, slapping, etc. Several months ago, I stood up and said something similar. I could tell that the violence was about to escalate. I firmly said, “if you cannot lower your voice and move away from me, I am going to leave the room”. I had to repeat it several times firmly and in a steady voice like a broken record. I don’t truly know whether she “got it” or not. It did affect her because she then immediately said that I abused her. That was always her go to response along with some garbage about me forcing her to act that way.

I have had to repeat this exercise several times since. But, it has made a difference. I haven’t been physically attacked in over six months. We all have our little victories we must be proud of.

[Radcliff]

walkinthepark247, that's great to hear!  Thanks for sharing!

isilme, I'm sorry to hear about all that you have on your plate.  The insomnia in particular sounds miserable.  Are you able to exercise much?  I've got a pretty poor track record on exercise, I'll admit, but during periods of high stress when I've managed to get regular at it, it has really helped me.  If running isn't an option, even brisk walks can be a big help.

WW

[Harley Quinn]

Walkinthepark has a really good point about standing up for yourself.  I also used to be shocked and freeze.  Perhaps this is something that you can work on privately (or here if that's helpful) before the next occasion he escalates towards becoming physical?

I also agree with Wentworth that finding ways to overcome your own health issues like sleep deprivation is going to benefit you enormously.  Taking care of your own needs is a must.  Swimming has always been a dead cert for me to get a good night's sleep, although not as convenient as an early evening stroll in the fresh air - which also is a good excuse to take some space for yourself if it's to help you sleep.  How did you go on at the doctor's? 

I want to ask you about your home if I may.  You mention that you have one 'functioning' exit.  Should there be another and what can be done to correct that?  It certainly does sound like a frightening situation to be so easily trapped, and the kitchen and bathroom are areas to avoid but you need alternatives and proper routes to leave by for your own safety - with or without the risk of physical assault, there is also the risk of fire.  Can the exit situation be resolved?

Love and light x   

[walkinthepark247]

Earlier, isilme said: "Said he should not have hit me or acted that way... ."

Out of those of you who have experienced violence, how many have actually heard an acknowledgment of this sort? Did they truly mean it? What were your thoughts/reaction? The reason I ask this is that I am still truly haunted by my wife's past violence toward me. While my anxiety has generally gotten better, I used to lay awake at night and dwell on it. It just played itself out like a loop in my head. Generally, my wife does seem to be in a period of regulation. But, I have never heard any acknowledgment that it's not ok to scream, hit, punch, kick, etc. That really bothers me because I don't know whether it is still lying under the surface or not. Does the one-time acknowledgment that violence isn't ok truly matter for you all? Did it make any difference? Did it lead to any type of change?

Much appreciated,

walk.

[isilme]

Doc visit went okay, had one rough night this weekend but made it through.

Doc is setting up an MRI for my head, she wants to rule out anything NOT migraine, and then address it as migraines if the MRI doesn't show anything weird in there.  Otherwise, I'm fine save some high cholesterol, and I've been eating hard boiled eggs like crazy on WW since they dropped to 0 points.  So I need to revise that down a bit.  And shes ays my allergies are not well managed, even with the stuff I am taking, so I am waiting for her to call in something new to try - says I look like I've got fluid in my ears, told her it's been that way since like November, been on 3 rounds of antibiotics and steroids, still a mess in there.  

I've had the insomnia my whole life, since being a small child.  I can remember back to about age 2, and yes, can remember simply being awake, but quiet, all night long.  I did not know for sure how much I was not sleeping, believing others who told me I was just lazy and fat, until I got a fitbit and started collecting sleep data.  I know have almost 7 years of data showing how much I wake and move around in the night.  I can be drugged on cold meds, and still will wake up every 30-45 minutes, and then usually I can drop off after about 10 minutes but means no REM, little deep sleep.  I spend my work week getting by in the early stages of sleep, over and over.  Just imagine a night of sleeping 30 minutes, then waking up and then going back to sleep only to repeat it - that is me most nights.  Every now and then I make it to REM and it's trippy and weird, and I think my subconscious tries to make up for lost time and sends the weirdest crappy dreams it can.  


I try to exercise, but honestly, I can barely move some days.  Cooking dinner, doing dishes (doing one means doing the other) and taking out the trash can be exhausting for me these days after getting home - our current car has no AC, and so its 100+ degrees outside right now and really hot for that drive home.  We are back to both trying swimming in evenings now that pool is open again, and that is something.  Swimming is hot or miss, as it can give me hot flashes later in the evening, which will wake me up and contribute to the insomnia cycle, but it's better than trying for a walk in this heat.  No, I can't easily just go exercise myself - evenings are for exercise if possible dinner of course, and then preparing for tomorrows work day.  The one outlet I can go to for myself, Zumba, has no instructor until this fall.    



H's exam was okay, he did gain weight, his A1c DID go up, but having 3 kidney stones bouncing around inside for about 4 weeks can mess with you pretty badly.  His T IS low, but not low enough to prescribe anything, so we are trying OTC supplements to see if it can stabilize his moods and address some of the body changes (always cold, can't build muscle, etc.).  He is disappointed, as he was really hoping a simple adjustment to meds or a new prescription strength supplement could "fix" some of the things really hurting his self-esteem right now.  He also takes his weight and A1C not being what he wanted as a scolding from the MD, not simple metrics he can fix, and takes it personally.  

I don't see how I can address my house having only two exits, and one being unfunctional because I don't have the time or $500 to get the steps to the back door fixed.  My goal is to diminish drama, not increase it - diving out a window to make a point about avoiding him during an escalating rage is NOT going to accomplish that.  That is an overly dramatic thing to do, and is not going to add to any chance of calming things down, and will not contribute in any way to make me feel safer.  

My 1950s tiny WWII starter homes house is built how it is built.  Front door to one side, living room - the other side, everything else:  dining room, square hall to kitchen, bath, bedroom office - office has the back door, is full of junk at the moment, and the back porch leading away from it is unsafe and cannot bear a person's weight.  I have things propped against the door simply because it's not usable at the moment, and in summer here, we worry about drug-influenced break-ins (need to steal for their fix).  So having the door blocked off is no different than many apartments we've had. This is my whole house, it's 850 sq ft, and I know for people in more affluent parts of the country hard to visualize.  

And if he suddenly freaks out on me while I am in our one-entrance tiny galley kitchen, I am just stuck.  It's just a fact, it's just life, I have to ride it out.  He is between me and the only way out, pushing past is engaging in a physical conflict.  Standing still, trying to simply not add to the drama by JADEing or being invalidating is really all I can do.  

In a fire, I WOULD go out a window, after securing our cats.  Not during an argument.  

Yes, the acknowledgment of the violence and yelling being wrong matters to me.  I am not sure about how those in your lives react, but any admission of wrongdoing that is not a woe-is-me kind of wallowing in pity for being a worthless person statement, I think, shows a little bit of real introspection.

[Radcliff]

I understand 850 square feet.  My wife and I lived in an apartment exactly that size for a while, with two cats.  It was West-facing, and hot in the evenings when we got home.  Nobody was happy!

I have "ridden it out" while trapped many times, for up to an hour and a half at a time, under some very difficult conditions.  It can sometimes be the safest way to go.  But it is very, very hard on a person.  isilme, am I remembering correctly that this is not a common occurrence?

Admitting that hitting is wrong, to me, is important.  It can be a good sign.  But it can also be part of an abuse cycle, where hitting is followed by apologies, followed by more hitting, and things often continue to deteriorate.  An apology followed by lasting change is a good thing.  8 months post restraining order, my wife is still telling people that I provoked her into her bad behavior.  She never apologized for it when we were together.  I did get one vague "I'm sorry" by text immediately after she left her therapist's office a month or two ago, but she has gone back to blaming me.

walkinthepark247, you raise some important questions -- I'd encourage you to start a thread on it, as we should discuss it on the board. 

isilme, I'm so sorry to hear about the insomnia.  I've never known someone who suffers as you do, and it sounds miserable.  Have you ever gone to a sleep specialist for a full evaluation?

WW

[isilme]

WW, I don't see it as suffering - It is what it is.  And most days I am fine, usually in decent spirits.  I've got friends with kids whose backs never stop hurting, another who makes fibroids and all manner of stones with her body and needs regular surgeries, so lack of sleep just is a thing.  I grab sleep as I can, usually, Saturday mornings are the best as my brain stops listening for an alarm. 
 
Sleep is elusive many nights, and my insomnia, sleep maintenance insomnia, is hard for people to understand - usually, the image is a person who can't fall asleep at all.  Not someone who can FALL asleep usually with ease, but wakes up when the neighbor's dogs bark or the train goes by about 7 blocks away.  I am trying an OTC herbal blend at bedtime for about 1.5 weeks now, that seems promising right now, and the MD finally called in my new allergy stuff to try out, so maybe it will help. 

No, I've not had a sleep study.  My mother's abuse of opioids (and attempts to get me hooked) scares me from what most doctors would try.  I don't want to be put on Ambien and wake up in my underwear in the grocery store parking lot.   Also, again, rural small town, specialists are an hour away minimum.  Guess who'd have to take me and pick me up? 

Overall, in the last 5-8 years, H has made a LOT of headway about not being super disruptive about my sleep.  He agreed to no TV in the bedroom when we moved in 2009.  I bought him an iPad and he uses headphone for it.  He seems to be more understanding of my sleep data and actually as much as he can be, tries to be mindful of needing to get rest.  This does not mean he does not get upset if I want to stop a movie when it is late, or that he won't pick a fight if he dysregulates after 11PM.  But it's better than it was.

Yes, the rages have been much rarer in the last 10 years, and violence within rages even more so.  And please bear in mind what I grew up with.  NOTHING H hs EVER done is as distressing as what my parents would do - I believe their night time fights and self-harm attempts are a big part of why I am wired to wake so easily.  I was the most "sane" person in the house, and they would be egging each other on to cut, punch each other, strangle, etc (mom liked "do it, you're not a man!" and so on, and I felt I was to shame them into stopping.  And could not sleep while it went on anyway.  So 5 year old (and older) Isilme would wander the houses we rented, following them as they fought, trying to make them stop.  I remember being 8 and having to scream at my dad through a bathroom door to not cut his wrists, please.   That's how I learned what the word "suicide" means. 

So yes, H's rages are disturbing, they frustrate me, mess up an entire week sometimes if his mood is a mess that long, but not any place where I'd even entertain 911, like I used to do with my parents.  I may have gotten someone emotionally unstable, but he got someone kinda messed up, too. 

[Radcliff]

Thanks for sharing.  I'm sorry for little isilme.  That's not what any kid should have to deal with.  It also gives a sense of how hard you must have worked to get to where you are.

WW

[isilme]

Update - so, he made it past a particularly stressful presentation at work, our friend helped almost finish the desk project, we got a diagnostic collection for the kidney stones sent off and just need the results, and he feels better, and his mood and spirits have vastly improved over the last 48 hours. 

I got my new allergy meds, seems like I'm to use a 3-punch combo - stick with nasal steroids, and take two pills at night, one for the more asthma type issues, and one for the itchy skin and gunky eye issues.  Hoping this helps with my recurrent illnesses, helping me recover and bounce back finally.  I do much better when I am not a weak, tired, mess.  Here's to hoping

[Harley Quinn]

Fingers crossed isilme.  Being at full strength certainly does make life less overwhelming.  It's also great news that you're entering what sounds like a calmer spell for your husband.  That must be a relief. 

Just to touch back on your previous post.  I'm sorry to hear about what you went through as a child.  That's really awful for you and I can totally understand how you would compare the two times in your life.  Do you think that having been through that you find the 'odd' violent behaviour more tolerable?  I ask as someone who has tolerated a whole lot in her life that someone emotionally healthier would never have accepted.  Something we partners of violent men do is to minimise and in your case you have a perfectly reasonable explanation for doing so.  You also know that in a healthy relationship this is not something you would be dealing with, so that's another comparison to make when those situations arise. 

When it comes to being in a living situation where there is a risk of physical abuse, it's important to have a good support network around you.  Who else knows about the pattern of behaviour and were you able to contact or look at the hotline information?  I'm hoping something was helpful for you.   

Love and light x 

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update!  It's nice to have the feeling of progress on health issues.  I've recently made some appointments on a long-deferred issue, and the forward direction feels good.  Who'd have thunk that a stone collection would be cause for celebration, but I get it!

WW