My kids are leaving for the summer

[Catlady3.14]

So my kids dad has been in touch and doing well.
He was on drugs for a long time, hence our split. And he was then in and out of trouble for about 4 years. Anyhow he's doing well and a good dad when sober.
My side of the family has been cut off for some time due to my mom.
This is so hard for me. I haven't been without my kids since their birth. 13 years and 11 year.
I think it is going to be great for them and I'm so happy my ex is doing well.
I'm terrified that my mom is going to try to keep them from me some how. I'm near 800 miles away from them. Kids dad and my mom live in same area. I posted on the family board but haven't had much of a response.
So I spoke wi th my ex and told him what she did and that if he wants to let them see her it's his time but that he should be very cautious and to please not let her have them over night or alone.
I hope that was the right move. He was decent and seemed understanding.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Catlady3.14,

Sorry you didn’t as much response as you hoped for on the other board!

So you say that this will be the first time your kids are away from you and staying with their dad? But you feel like he can be good dad for the most part? Is that right? The kids can see your mom while in the area, but your ex needs to be a bit careful about it? Does your mom have BPD/BPD traits? And your ex too?

Do you have things lined up to keep yourself busy while they are away? Or do you just need some downtime to relax?

warmly, pearl.

[Catlady3.14]

Thank you pearl for the response. I was getting a bit discouraged as I have no other friendly outlet.

This is the first time I've been without them other than a day or two at a friend's house or family and they have always been within an hour drive away.
They are pretty self sufficient though and really good kids. So I know they can care for them selves mostly.

Their dad and I split about 5 years ago. He was/ is a great dad. and a good person. He had a lot of depression and drug abuse. He got into legal trouble and has since cleaned up his life. I trust he will care for them sober 100% so that is a relief to me.

About 3 years ago now my mom and I got into a argument.
She started bashing me and my husband because my  then 7/9 year old were getting off the bus and staying home alone for no more than an hour alone.
She refused to help only telling us what we need to do.
 I told her to mind her own business. as we were working while they were home not living it up.
She lost her mind.
I think my mom has dealt with bipolar issues her whole life.

She threatened to have my kids taken from me told me I was an awful mom and she could Prove I was unfit.
Then threatened my husband.
 she stalked us for days. She showed up at my job caused trouble and told my boss my husband was  beating me.
He has never laid a hand on me.
He lost his job because she spread this rumor.
I had to file a police report to get her to stop and I didn't follow through with charges. I just wanted her to Stop.

We've had no contact and I am not ready for contact with her.
But I have slowly reached out over the last 7/8 months to other family.

I want my kids to see my family. But I am scared d she will act out in that way again and try to take my kids.

I don't have much lined up except getting my house back to a respectable clean... My health has not allowed me to keep it as tidy as I like. So I will get that done and focus on my little guy.

[pearlsw]

Hi Catlady3.14,

I am sorry you had such rough experiences with your mom. That's pretty extreme and it is understandable you've kept a distance from her. I can also understand why having your kids in the area where she is could make you nervous.

I hope that there will not be additional drama to deal with!

How do your kids feel about her? What happens if they run into her? Do you expect other family members might cause your kids to be around your mother possibly?

I am away for a week, so I'm sorry I can't get back to you so quickly if you reply! Hopefully others will join us here! We can all use all the support we can get!

warmly, pearl.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Catlady,

It must be very nerve wracking for you to let them go under these circumstances and I think you're both very brave and also a great mum for not holding them back.  I can imagine how hard it is for you.  It's wonderful to hear that you are confident in your ex to be a good father and care for them properly.  That must make a big difference.  In a way I'm envious of that as I have little confidence in my son's father to make decisions about what he's exposed to that will protect his emotional health.  What did he say when you expressed your concerns?

I am scared d she will act out in that way again and try to take my kids.

Just for a moment looking at the worst case scenario, if she has no grounds to be able to do that, then she wouldn't get very far and could even land herself in a lot of trouble.  I'm wondering whether you have a legal arrangement in place with their father?  How long exactly will they be gone and how much contact have you agreed with their father during their trip?  I think it will be beneficial for you to hear the kids sounding happy and like their usual selves on the phone when you touch base and hopefully that will reassure you that they are safe and well. 

It's going to be an exciting adventure for them to be spending this time with their father and looking at the future it is a good opportunity to weigh up potential schedules between both of you as their parents that may prove beneficial for you overall.  Having some additional support with childcare will be a big change for you and one that I'm sure will be welcome.  It's really positive that you have a good r/s with their dad.   

I'll await your response before asking anything further as you've had a lot of questions now!  Catch us up when you can.

Love and light x   

[Catlady3.14]

Thank you guys. I am dealing with a lot of emotions and it's hard. I have been talking to my aunt, who I trust. I have told her that I do not mind if she has a family get together for them and allow them visitation but I do not want them to spend the night with anyone except her and my uncle.
I have spoke to my children and explained to them my position and ask them how they feel about it. They said they want open communication but respect I don't want them to stay with anyone until I'm comfortable. I told them in happy if they stay with anyone in their dad's family and I want them to keep in touch with me.

I spoke with there dad only this once in 4 years. He talked kindly and seemed to be okay with not letting my mom have them and I told him ultimately I cant tell him what to do. But I wanted him to be aware of what she did and said and that if he allows it, to be extremely cautious.
Then I messaged him a very polite, respectful and apologetic text. Apologizing for my wrongs. And telling him that I would like to figure out custody and cost of travel more fairly. He pays child support .recently like the last month.I
But he did not respond. So I doubt our relationship can be as open as I'd like but hopefully civil.
And that's really all that matters.
Legally no we don't but if like it to be 50/50.

My kids have their own phones so I'll have contact with them as long as they message me back
They'll be gone for 2 months.
But a break could really help me alot. I'll be from 4 kids 24/7/365 to 1.
I probably won't know what to do haha


There is no reason for her to be able to keep my kids from me. But the law is that if a person has possession of the child they can file for emergency custody... the judge usually awards it to the person filing... Then there is a hearing in 5 days.
DCS gets involved. Me Being out of state this would be a disaster.


But mostly I don't want my kids to have to go through any drama as our lives are already pretty hectic.

[Harley Quinn]

That's understandable to want no drama.  You're right, you've all had enough in your lives already by the sounds of it.  If they can have a nice peaceful and relaxed time it will do them good and also hopefully you will get a lot out of having less on your plate, plus confidence that they are safe and sound.  Are the kids looking forward to it? 

I'm curious about how quickly this was organised and agreed if you've only spoken to him once?  Or do you mean spoken as in verbally but been trading emails/other comms?  How did your husband react to your communicating with the children's father - I'm guessing he agreed to them going?  I'm imagining it might have been somewhat triggering for him, and I hope that it went smoothly for you.  Have the kids had any contact at all with their dad prior to them going to him for 2 months?  Just checking I've not missed or misread something    Apologies if so!

Love and light x

[Catlady3.14]

The kids have been in contact with him for about 7 months. Writing letters and calling/ text. We've semi communicated through the kids.  It was sorta asked if they could about two months ago. And he's scheduled time off and stuff.
I had no official conversation until a few weeks ago and have sent messages but he only responds to short questions. What time will you be here? So on.
The kids are looking forward to it. They've had consistent contact with him for 7 months. They have a brother and a sister they've never met.


My husband was not apart of the process at all. He hasn't been regular and he cuts me off and gets angry when I try to speak with him about practicality anything going on in my life.
Once their dad had officially said yes he could make the trip and it was set. I just told husband that the kids wanted to go see their dad and he was picking them up and dropping them off.
His response was " () never to be heard or seen again. Not my problem! "
I said, "maybe, well I can't worry about that. They want to see their dad. "

Then he ignored me and the day went on.

[Catlady3.14]

Kids made it to their dad. It went smooth.
Their dad was my first love and I thought it was a tough relationship... .
He never put me through the mental damage my husband has and does... .I know things were destroyed, I'm not fantasizing about going back or anything of that sort.
Just I wouldn't tolerate his cheating and drugs and here I am tolerating MORE than I ever did.

It makes me sick and sad and mad.

ANnyhow. Kids are well and dad was decent and his girlfriend was very nice. And I thanked her for taking care of my kids this summer and thanked her for being willing to have them and love them.
She's stayed in touch with me on Facebook and she sends me updates and photos. I am very relieved by this.
I'm sorry that I've bounced around on different boards and different posts.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Cat,

Don't apologise!  Post as much as you need to.  You have a lot going on.  I've read two of your other posts and will send you replies to those separately. 

I'm so pleased to hear that your kids are in good hands that you can be confident in.  It makes a huge difference to know the gf is a nice person and clearly understands how it must feel as a mother to have your kids away from you.  It's wonderful that she is keeping you updated.  Have you spoken to the kids to see how they are enjoying themselves?  It must have been very hard saying goodbye.  You're really brave.   

I wouldn't tolerate his cheating and drugs and here I am tolerating MORE than I ever did.

It makes me sick and sad and mad.

I see you're still having a hard time with your husband.  Any shift in behaviour?  How are you finding the tools so far?

Love and light x

[Radcliff]

Catlady, that's great news that your ex husband's girlfriend is being communicative about what's going on with the kids.  That must be a relief.  Have you been able to talk to them on the phone?

With a three year old at home, I expect that's enough to keep you busy

WW

[Catlady3.14]

thanks guys, kids are doing great! They've been having a blast. It was the hardest thing to see them go. But meeting the gf was a huge relief. She has been great! Strange new territory! I didn't imagine things would go so smoothly, but I'm so happy they have.
I think my daughter is a bit home sick since the new has worn off. But she is doing okay.

After husband kicked me out( day before kids left)
I was in a fog with pmdd  and fibro acting up.
We didn't speak for about 4/5 days. He barricaded himself in a room. I walk around like the living dead during this time.
Then he started putti mg in effort and cleaning, and helping with baby. He has been taking on smaller parts in helping around here.

Side story... .Husband hasn't taken the trash out in 3 years, til this week. Because...
I said to my son (10yo)... Take this trash out please.
Son... Why?
Mom ... Cause you're a man of the house.
Husband would say, " get a real man of the house to do it", and refused.

I'm finding his behaviour to be improving a little. I mean it is just me and him. He isn't working so it's 24/7. I find i can stand up for myself without worrying about the kids. And I have been able to control my reactions better.
He has expected me to cater to him,which I have backed off from ALot. I am helpful, if he is decent.

My ex... .Lied, is/was an addict, and in the end he cheated.
But he never tore me apart as a human. He never said the worst things you can imagine to destroy my spirit and self. He never made me feel like I was nothing. He never tried to control who I talked to or what I did or who I was. He never called me names and yelled at me. He never expected me to be perfect in an ever changing reality of his.
Husband has lied, is an addict. And I'm uncertain if he cheated.
But he treats me like crap majority of the time.
I've tried to look at him and feel that love that I use to.  I see it deep in his eyes, what made me fall in love.
It's only ever a glimpse, idk if that's enough for me.

[Harri]

Do you feel you are becoming more comfortable and confident using the tools?  Having more time to focus on you and the tools is certainly an advantage and I am glad to see you are using it.  I think the benefits will carry on when the kids return, or at least I hope so. 

My ex... .Lied, is/was an addict, and in the end he cheated.
But he never tore me apart as a human. He never said the worst things you can imagine to destroy my spirit and self. He never made me feel like I was nothing. He never tried to control who I talked to or what I did or who I was. He never called me names and yelled at me. He never expected me to be perfect in an ever changing reality of his.
Husband has lied, is an addict. And I'm uncertain if he cheated.
But he treats me like crap majority of the time.
I've tried to look at him and feel that love that I use to.  I see it deep in his eyes, what made me fall in love.
It's only ever a glimpse, idk if that's enough for me.

  There is a lot of important stuff going on here.  Dealing with the projections and demands of a pwBPD is hellishly difficult.  Recognizing that your needs are not being met is important.  Can you see this changing in the future?

[Catlady3.14]

hey harri.

I feel like I'm becoming less reactive. Sometimes the tools work and I can set them into action and sometimes not.
But if I say or do something that sends him into a rage, I do not continue and I can go on without becoming entwined in his emotion.( Most of the time)
I love husband. I really do. I loved my ex and there will always be a part of me that does.
But how much can one person take? With husband this is a never ending personality trait. He refuses help. He breaks his promises. And he treats me like pooh.

Even on the "good" days , I'm still on edge and there is never enough time to get past the bad.
I'm expected, by him, to just smile and kiss his butt. If he had done Wrong he it usually doesn't even get spoken about.

I was looking forward to this summer of it being just me him and baby. Hoping it would help him and i.
But I'm still mad and hurt by him kicking me out. And how he has done me in the past. And what I can take?

I'm a bit negative, I guess, and that's not going to help .
Hellishly difficult is right!

[Red5]

Hello Catlady3.14,

I am late to the post here, but I wanted you to know that you are getting feedback, as there are a whole lot of “fans” out here for you 

I am under similar circumstances as you right now;

I have an ex-wife, we had three children together, all now grown up and on their own save the oldest, he is autistic, and an adult now (S31) who is about a five-seven year old developmentally, and he lives with me permanently, and I also have guardianship (court appointed) as he is an adult now by “state law”…

After the divorce, I had custody, at that time they were all teenagers, long story… I met another later on, and remarried about eight years ago now, wife#2; this one is u/BPD (suspected not dx).

It’s been twelve years since the divorce, and the ex has disappeared, and then reappeared on the radar many times as she has her own issues, the children did see her on their own terms a few times here and there, but my S31 obviously; I had to facilitate that each time;… ex, she stayed with the man she left me for, and they even have a beautiful young son together now, kids are a blessing from heaven !… time marches on.

As the years progressed, and ex would show up now and again, and each time the new gf, then (now) wife#2, .u/BPD; would really get “involved”, and demand this that and the other thing, and “tell” me how S31 was going to visit with his mother, source of much discontent between us… time after time after time… ugh,

So… the ex has just recently reappeared, and asked to see my (our) S31, she is now living in the next state, so “guardianship” would have no jurisdiction there (contingency?), do I think ex would “run off” with S31, I don’t think so, but my trust in her was in fact destroyed long ago, and she is quite unstable at times, so I just don’t know… and all the while, current wife is “laying down the law” about how this all is going to go down... .as in S31 will not be visiting his mum in the next sate, emails have been exchanged, and the dissent has already started… 

I am a pretty easy going guy, and I think its is obviously proper and a good thing for S31 to go to see his mum for a week, .as like you, I do not get breaks, of course I love my S31 very much, .he is like a small child in a grown mans body, he knows no anger, fear, of ill thoughts… he is a complete sweet innocent kid… and of course he understands none of this drama presently being created, perpetrated by the current wife and the ex…

Not really sure how to handle this one… in the past I would let her see him, let him travel to her, and or; either I would deliver, or she would come to town and pick him up…

I am in a “catch-22” here, and its not going to be pretty…

Anyways, just wanted to share a little, and let you know that you are not alone in the type of scenario.

Hope all is well, and that you are finding time for yourself, and your little one,

Best regards, Red5

[Catlady3.14]

Wow you have cared for your son for 31 years! How much love, that's incredible! 
Thank you for sharing Red5. I'm so sorry. I can imagine how awful and sickening that scenario makes you feel. I've been here too.
This is Exactly why I did not mention a thing to my uBPD husband about the kids visitation with their father. I do not feel like it is his place to tell me or my ex how to raise our kids or when we are allowed to see them. If I allowed it for one second he will destroy the relationship and make a total @ss of himself and me. 
I am not fighting about it. That's my boundary
Where him and I to split up he would have the same respect from me about our son.

thank you guys for the support. Some days I feel like I'm going mad and it helps so much to have you all here to talk to.

[Catlady3.14]

And I'm so sorry the drama is ramping up in you situation!now
Being a full time parent is so hard! I know you must love your son with all your heart. And he loves you.

I wish I had advice. What do you think your best course of action is now? What does your son want to do?

Catlady

[Radcliff]

Catlady, that's fantastic to hear that you've made progress with the tools and have learned how to stop making things worse much of the time.  I also understand how disappointing it is to not be getting what you want.  We can't change the other person, and need to be careful to not place that burden on ourselves to think that if we were good enough with tools we could make things perfect.  But I think you understand that.  That said, it's always good to keep working on the tools.  It's natural to want to relax, but then things backslide.

What's the next frontier on tools for you?  Are there any situations where you'd like to find a new tool or figure out better ways to use existing ones?

WW

[Harri]

But if I say or do something that sends him into a rage, I do not continue and I can go on without becoming entwined in his emotion.( Most of the time)

  Well done!

I love husband. I really do. I loved my ex and there will always be a part of me that does.
But how much can one person take? With husband this is a never ending personality trait. He refuses help. He breaks his promises. And he treats me like pooh.

  I believe you.  Love does not turn off easily does it?  Love does not go away jus because someone treats us poorly either.  That is when I ask myself what's love got to do with it?    

On a different note, have you read about projection yet?  It may help you to understand that many of your husbands angry words, accusations, etc have little if anything to do with you.  Projection  An excerpt: Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.   I'm no sure why, but I've had it in my head to mention this to you for a couple of days now.  If it is not new to you, please forgive me.

Take care

[Catlady3.14]

Thankfully things are going well with my oldest kids. They seem to be happy and enjoying their time. After I made amends with my mom my step  dad(who has always just been Dad to me) brought them up to see me abd baby for a day.
It was wonderful and much needed.
The kids dad abd hid gf have both been in touch abd very open and responsive. I'm so soo. Happy and relieved Thai had been a good side of a,terrible situation it could have been!
Thank you all,
Harri I did need that info again. I am a creature of short term memory lapse .
I need reminded frequently to look at the big picture.and view it witch clarity. Thank,you