I still miss her

[CryWolf]

I still miss my exBPD. We haven’t spoke since early February. I became better at my feelings and anxiety over the past few months. I started dating again. Got sorta serious with someone else. That didn’t work out. Met some new girls after. Have dates lined up.

Doing anything I can to help me fully detach and move on.

I went on vacation this week with old friends from back home. Last time I saw them, I remember my exBPD breakup with me and fighting with me while I saw my friends. My friends knew about it. They saw the depressed and miserable me then. This was back in 2016. Now it’s 2018. They saw a happy and full of life me.

However, on the plane I was staring out the window and just thinking about everything that happened with her. Emotions came rushing.

I think perhaps my exBPD didn’t want me going anywhere really or traveling because of her fear of abandonment. I haven’t travelled since I got with her and now I am, 3 years later. I wanted to share everything with my ex. I wanted to text her and tell her everything like we used to. We used to text each other 24/7. It wasn’t healthy. But a part of me misses all of it. I miss having her in my life and talking about things.

At disneyworld yesterday, I got hit with emotions again out of nowhere. All I wanted to do was share and send pictures or even have her there with me.

Today the feelings were on and off. I haven’t had a dream about her in over a month. Yet a few nights ago. There was one where we were holding hands.

I don’t know why I feel this way again. I don’t know if I want to be with her or what. She seems so happy with her new relationship and I have to leave it at that.

I kind of blamed myself yesterday after reading somethings in SWOE and how the things she accuses me off or calls me names. She is really talking about herself. I wish in that time I was more understanding but it’s not my fault and I didn’t know about the symptoms of BPD. So I can’t be hard on myself.

She loved me so damn much but pushedme away because no of it. It’s ___ing devastating. I miss her so much. I miss every moment and detail. I even miss the bad times. Because we had something to fight over. She was my first love and my best friend. I haven’t cried in a long time over this. But now I am I write this in th airport.

My instagram is full of new adventerues showcasing a new and improved me. Pictures of animals, travel and even some of dates with another girl.

I gVe her so many chances to talk to me. I messaged her snd put my pride aside. I even messaged her a few weeks ago, and she read them the same day. But no reply. I feel punished. But also maybe she has to be strong since I couldn’t just for us to break the cycle.

I dont know anymore. I love her with all that I have but she neevr saw it that way.

I’m finally starting to get over the feeling of not feeling good enough because of her. But it’s hard. I miss her. I wish she’d text me or contact me but it won’t happen. But other times, I don’t know how I’d react if she contact me.

Would I ignore it and move on? Or would I message back and set a date up? My feelings fluctuate. But I do know I miss her. I care about her. I love her.

Thank you for reading this.

[Cromwell]

Its normal and you havent been apart that long.

Id encourage that you try to meet someone else it sounds like you miss her company, the texting, the sharing of life experiences with someone, and she was a good person for that at the time.

If your crying about it, there are still hurtful feelings that need resolved and maybe you are looking to avoid confronting them by having her back in your life. If you dont get a response from her at the moment, its because she is emotionally fulfilled elsewhere, thats not to say she hasnt acknowledged your interest in her and that you will never hear from her again. It depends on how much you "move on" in this time and wether she comes back to you when you are still emotionally vulnerable to be recycled - as happened to me.

You mention the word "love" a lot, yet your post carries with it a lot of pain at the same time.

If emotions are coming "rushing", is it a sign that they have been repressed, but then get released at a time that triggers them. I used to travel a lot, there was often a great emotional feeling as the aircraft ascends and - at that time in my life - I felt I was looking down upon all my problems in what resembled a toy-town and was leaving them behind, at least temporarily. Its called going on holiday or taking a break. Whilst you might be upset you couldnt have shared the experience with her, there is no crystal ball, it could easily have ended up being a ruined holiday and bad experience and you were far better going without her. This could have been a post of "just had holiday nightmare with BPD gf" rather than that you had a good experience besides thinking of her now and again.

[once removed]

this sounds like grief to me. we all know that grief happens in stages. whats often less obvious at the time is that each stage is progress, even though it can feel like a set back when it happens.

Doing anything I can to help me fully detach and move on.

take note, this isnt something youve said before.

looking back, you very much wanted her back for a while. you wanted to reach out, you did, and you slowly let go of the idea of reaching out again. you tried dating, but if i recall correctly it didnt go well in the sense that it made you miss your ex more, which is natural. a little more time under your belt, and you did date again, and liked someone (there was some level of comparing her to your ex which especially for a second relationship is largely inevitable, and all in all it revealed some discontent with your ex and the relationship, and showed you what else is out there). you even went through a stage of hatred of your ex.

these are all motions, and theyre all progress (read your old posts, then reread this one, and youll see it).

but at the end of the day, she was your first love, you miss her, you miss the experience, you miss your friend. this is normal, its natural, its okay, and it needs to be acknowledged and honored. taking the steps to carry on with your life, build a new one, and create new experiences and memories are all parts of the grieving process, but the old ones need to be fully mourned. i think youre doing that. you had it off your mind for a while, and it may be that now youre able to process some of the more difficult aspects that werent as easy to process before.

[pearlsw]

Hi CryWolf,

Sorry for all the pain you've had over this. It is never easy to know to grieve the loss of someone... .It can certainly come in waves. I was in love with someone once and never got to properly grieve the loss... .there was just no time or mental space to do so. Sometimes it haunts me a bit. (He did not have BPD) As we get more distance it usually gets easier and easier to put things in its place.  I don't have such a strong urge to share with him anymore, but I do remember how... .he was such a comfort to me at some very dark times... .and he made me feel very supported and loved.

Life is so full of mysteries... .It hurts so much to love someone and not be able to be with them for whatever reason... .But always remember life is for living and there are so many wonderful people and wonderful experiences waiting if you keep faith in life. After breaking up with my first boyfriend in my 20s I could not even remotely imagine meeting someone who loved me so much ever again, but I did. Many times. There are many people would could love you, healthy and kind people, if you would look for them and give them the chance... .Just my two cents!

with love, pearl.

[spero]

Hey there CryWolf,

I suppose this is the part of us that misses the feelings and how we felt in that relationship that passed. The intensity which has bonded you together now translates into these feelings of missing that which you are familiar with. This CryWolf, is natural and perfectly normal. It is perhaps the same for parents who lost their children, or children whom parents have passed away.

Grief is a strange process, i've come to understand that we carry our grief and it doesn't really go away. While grief becomes part of our lives and certainly it comes back to a certain degree, anniversaries, birthdays etc. It doesn't have to stay the same, it kinda evolves... when you're able to process and let go. Unforuntately in this situation, our loved on isn't dead, but it is also to point where we've been cut off. And i told someone before that i grieved my uBPDexGF as if she had died. It was like grieving for a dead person though she is alive. Which makes it complicated because you want to see her. You can't see dead people but in this situation, the pull can be so strong to text, to visit, to just have her in your arms again maybe.

CryWolf, take heart. It ain't easy and its a terrible place to be. But i know you'll make it through the night. You're not alone. We're here with ya, and i've certainly been here too and i still do.

Warmly,
Spero.

[Shawnlam]

I still miss my exBPD. We haven’t spoke since early February. I became better at my feelings and anxiety over the past few months. I started dating again. Got sorta serious with someone else. That didn’t work out. Met some new girls after. Have dates lined up.

Doing anything I can to help me fully detach and move on.

I went on vacation this week with old friends from back home. Last time I saw them, I remember my exBPD breakup with me and fighting with me while I saw my friends. My friends knew about it. They saw the depressed and miserable me then. This was back in 2016. Now it’s 2018. They saw a happy and full of life me.

However, on the plane I was staring out the window and just thinking about everything that happened with her. Emotions came rushing.

I think perhaps my exBPD didn’t want me going anywhere really or traveling because of her fear of abandonment. I haven’t travelled since I got with her and now I am, 3 years later. I wanted to share everything with my ex. I wanted to text her and tell her everything like we used to. We used to text each other 24/7. It wasn’t healthy. But a part of me misses all of it. I miss having her in my life and talking about things.

At disneyworld yesterday, I got hit with emotions again out of nowhere. All I wanted to do was share and send pictures or even have her there with me.

Today the feelings were on and off. I haven’t had a dream about her in over a month. Yet a few nights ago. There was one where we were holding hands.

I don’t know why I feel this way again. I don’t know if I want to be with her or what. She seems so happy with her new relationship and I have to leave it at that.

I kind of blamed myself yesterday after reading somethings in SWOE and how the things she accuses me off or calls me names. She is really talking about herself. I wish in that time I was more understanding but it’s not my fault and I didn’t know about the symptoms of BPD. So I can’t be hard on myself.

She loved me so damn much but pushedme away because no of it. It’s ___ing devastating. I miss her so much. I miss every moment and detail. I even miss the bad times. Because we had something to fight over. She was my first love and my best friend. I haven’t cried in a long time over this. But now I am I write this in th airport.

My instagram is full of new adventerues showcasing a new and improved me. Pictures of animals, travel and even some of dates with another girl.

I gVe her so many chances to talk to me. I messaged her snd put my pride aside. I even messaged her a few weeks ago, and she read them the same day. But no reply. I feel punished. But also maybe she has to be strong since I couldn’t just for us to break the cycle.

I dont know anymore. I love her with all that I have but she neevr saw it that way.

I’m finally starting to get over the feeling of not feeling good enough because of her. But it’s hard. I miss her. I wish she’d text me or contact me but it won’t happen. But other times, I don’t know how I’d react if she contact me.

Would I ignore it and move on? Or would I message back and set a date up? My feelings fluctuate. But I do know I miss her. I care about her. I love her.

Thank you for reading this.

I think it’s perfectly normal to miss her ,you love her and your sentiments towards her were genuine.Its very hard to push thoughts out of our mind even the bad ones had meaning .I think it’s safe to say we’ve never bonded as much with someone like our ex’s I know I haven’t .Its one hell of an experience one we really won’t forget , we just need to take the lessons learnt from this and move on as stronger people (easier said than done I know).
You certainly are not alone in this brother,many are feeling exactly how you feel.Its best to keep yourself occupied as you grief it helps ,I know it helps for me.

[Wicker Man]

@CryWolf There is a  Chinese tradition I learned from my undiagnosed BPD ex. 

Consider writing your ex a note.  Tell her how you miss her, how you loved her, what you would like to have shared with her and then burn the note.  It can be cathartic and cleansing.  It lets you articulate these thoughts, put them in order and then let them go in the flames.

--Do this outside... .Use paper not your computer... . 

I now every year write a note to my deceased mother on her birthday.  It is a Chinese way to communicate with lost family members -ancient and beautiful. 



Wicker Man

[Jeffree]

CryWolf,

I feel your longing quite acutely. Isn't it something? No matter how bad the lows were, we still long for the good times, for them to realize the ills of their ways, to give us that last opportunity to get it right and make it right, to bring back that person we experienced a life-changing love with... .or so we thought.

I'm past that point now, but it seems like the last four years of my marriage were just that same kind of magical thinking of wondering where did the love of my life go and how can I get her back. Sadly, she is gone forever, maybe never existed and I created her to be more than she ever was and was ever going to be.

I am very sorry you are hurting so much.

J

[CryWolf]

Thank you all for the wonderful and encouraging words. I appreciate it very much.

I took a few days away and would like to update you all on the past week I endured. Since my last posts, I went to disneyworld with friends who came across the country from my hometown. We caught up, and hung out everyday for almost a week. Last time i saw them was 2 years ago, when I was in FOG and all i talked about was my ex. My ex was punishing me and being rude to me and broke up with me when my friends came over last time. This time, i mentioned the situation once and we just talked about how I was such in a bad place then and how I look so better now, and lost weight and look really good and happy.

I had a 13 hour layover waiting for my flight because of the storms. I met this girl and talked to her at the airport. She seemed like she was having fun and talkative, she followed me on social media. Then a few hours later unfollowed me. I was like ok whatever . Then just before my flight, I met another girl on same flight as me. We talked, exchanged social media. She wanted to see me her last day but I had to decline because my friends were here and they come first. However, the night before I went on a date with another girl whom I met last year and we just kept in touch on social media.

Date was pretty cool, shes very talkative and I like that. We have a lot in common too.  She texted me same night to drive safe, she also asked if she could call me at like 3am because she was drunk... I was busy though but told her to go ahead but didnt text right away. She also asked me twice this week to do something but I had to decline because of work and the other was last night which was last minute because it was my friends last day here before they head back. Also it would have meant I'd meet her friends and this would be the second time we hung out so I wasnt comfortable with that. She seems a little distant now but maybe shes just busy like she said so. I did ask to see her today but no reply yet, so idk. I just been busy enjoying my time with my friends that  I havent seen in forever than to be focused on a potential partner? Idk if that makes sense, but Im learning to be more okay with whatever and not put girls on a pedastal.

Also, about the last girl. The one who went back with her ex. So today, i was at school. Saw my classmate who was in class with us. I told her about it, and she said "oh her ex is bat___ crazy. From all the stories i heard, both of them are crazy. She uses guys" and i told her, "she spent a lot of money on me and took me these places" and she said "hmm maybe she did like you, but you definetly dodged a bullet".

[Shawnlam]

Thank you all for the wonderful and encouraging words. I appreciate it very much.

I took a few days away and would like to update you all on the past week I endured. Since my last posts, I went to disneyworld with friends who came across the country from my hometown. We caught up, and hung out everyday for almost a week. Last time i saw them was 2 years ago, when I was in FOG and all i talked about was my ex. My ex was punishing me and being rude to me and broke up with me when my friends came over last time. This time, i mentioned the situation once and we just talked about how I was such in a bad place then and how I look so better now, and lost weight and look really good and happy.

I had a 13 hour layover waiting for my flight because of the storms. I met this girl and talked to her at the airport. She seemed like she was having fun and talkative, she followed me on social media. Then a few hours later unfollowed me. I was like ok whatever . Then just before my flight, I met another girl on same flight as me. We talked, exchanged social media. She wanted to see me her last day but I had to decline because my friends were here and they come first. However, the night before I went on a date with another girl whom I met last year and we just kept in touch on social media.

Date was pretty cool, shes very talkative and I like that. We have a lot in common too.  She texted me same night to drive safe, she also asked if she could call me at like 3am because she was drunk... I was busy though but told her to go ahead but didnt text right away. She also asked me twice this week to do something but I had to decline because of work and the other was last night which was last minute because it was my friends last day here before they head back. Also it would have meant I'd meet her friends and this would be the second time we hung out so I wasnt comfortable with that. She seems a little distant now but maybe shes just busy like she said so. I did ask to see her today but no reply yet, so idk. I just been busy enjoying my time with my friends that  I havent seen in forever than to be focused on a potential partner? Idk if that makes sense, but Im learning to be more okay with whatever and not put girls on a pedastal.

Also, about the last girl. The one who went back with her ex. So today, i was at school. Saw my classmate who was in class with us. I told her about it, and she said "oh her ex is bat___ crazy. From all the stories i heard, both of them are crazy. She uses guys" and i told her, "she spent a lot of money on me and took me these places" and she said "hmm maybe she did like you, but you definetly dodged a bullet".

I’ll be honest most woman with BPD will just flip from one attention source to the other and the frequency and intensity are usually gauged by how bad they have the BPD traits.Although most stories seem to sound the same they very in intensity.Ive seen and read some on here where the woman was married for 10+ years then picked up and left,to ones that boy hop on a monthly bases.Why I’m telling you this is in reference to your last quote.”maybe she did like you”, in BPD terms it’s meaningless,there are no “ I really loved this guy or he was the one” for them .You just gave her more attention than the previous or the one she went with after but forget being special it doesn’t exist.The whole me,me,me perception needs to always be kept in mind when dealing with woman that have BPD traits .Even the hermit versions of BPD woman are still only thinking of themselves and they give the best “perception “of looking like they care.

Since I’ve been single now for sometime I’ve been on a few dates and have been intimate a few times .Ive come to learn that western woman have changed dramatically in the 9+ years I’ve been off the market.I was never a red pill / blue pill kinda guy but I’m starting to see and test the red pill understanding of woman and not that I’m a preacher of those tactics ... .frankly they work.Again the reason I bring this up is the girls you’ve been seeing which is a good move on your part to get out there and discover new woman and relationships. But I know for me I’ve changed my tactics with remarkable almost unreal results .I don’t really chase woman or put much effort anymore if anything I make my time scarce for them and put my time on me.They seem to flock to you and try harder to get your attention .When I’m with them I don’t say much about myself I’ve come to the conclusion although a sad one that I let them converse about the one thing they all seem to love talking about... .”themselves”. It’s truely jaw dropping to just watch all they all seem to act very similar except for one woman I went out with Sunday who was from Japan.(totally different). You could tell the North American way of thinking hadn’t twisted her thinking or moral compass yet.Totally proper ,polite,not promiscuous at all, all in all actually interesting and the only one of 4 woman I’ve been around since my ex that acts different and peaked my interest of seeing again.

I’d say by just what you’ve written the ones you didn’t have “time for” Oddly were the ones that were texting and wanting to call you... .coincidence I think not.My two cents and my opinion here, the idea of the nuclear family,men provider mentality is not required anymore in western  society .

[once removed]

I’ll be honest most woman with BPD

Shawn, we arent talking about someone with BPD in this case .

one of the purposes of this board is to explore the dating aspect of moving on (to you or anyone doing this, id really encourage you to open up a thread about how things are going), and how to make better choices. i dont know that the red pill stuff, and trading one attachment style for a more avoidant one is necessarily healthier. sure, tricks work (especially and particularly with people with lower emotional maturity), but they dont form a real or lasting connection.

i do think though, that not necessarily putting all of our eggs in one basket, and getting to know all kinds of people when we are fresh out of a relationship, as CryWolf is doing, can be a healthy approach.

[Jeffree]

Now that I think about it, what I miss is that electricity that seemed to course through my body when I saw her across from me during the good days. Holy moley! No wonder I was willing to try and make things work for such a longer period of time than I should have. But, alas, it all turned to poop in the end and I remember that more than I remember the good stuff.

J

[Cromwell]

I do feel that shawn is on to something though, a sort of cultural change in western women from what ive experienced.

I do find a strong minded woman to be attractive, but only to an extent. With my BPDx I felt as though I was in some sort of masochistic relationship which really amounted to a conflict of my being a male, (sole worker) financial supporter of the r/s. I was emasculated to the point of thinking "do you even actually want a man at all?" besides the physical side, there seemed nothing more than that, yet when it came to the crunch I was praised for being the provider, protector and all the "old fashioned" traditional values, which just added to the confusion of it all.

To add to what Jeffree said, my ex has only reminisced about the good times of our r/s, yes they invoke good memories, but it is splicing away of the big picture that what im here on this board for, is the hurtful moments which I cant splice away, which at the time I repressed away. Was it behavior that was trying to assert that she was in "control" of me and not to feel the dominant character in the r/s, I believe so, but it ultimately backfired. Im not going to work 12 hours a day and provide for someone who then sleeps around elsewhere. So to answer crywolf, when you say you are missing her,

are you splicing only the good times and forgetting what she has done that has led you this board?

whenever I get that "surge of electricity" from my ex via her texts, it gets muted out because I make a concious effort to remember what she has done that caused me a great deal of unnecessary hurt, humilation and blow to my self esteem. I spliced myself through 2.5 years, when I could have/should have accepted that all the good times up to that first boundary passing moment should have just been "banked" and the smart thing to do, move on.

soon I will be on this board only to advise others to do what I never had the strength to do myself at the time, that in itself is a milestone reached and anti-dote for "longing" and "pining" for someone that was toxic to my self esteem, wellbeing and happiness.

[Jeffree]

are you splicing only the good times and forgetting what she has done that has led you this board?

No... .I don’t remember too much of the good stuff because all the bad suffocated it. There was maybe a year or so of incredible washed away by 7 years of misery.

J

[CryWolf]

my close friend wanted to see pics of me and my BPD ex. Sent her everything. Started looking and crying at all the memories. Everything seems like they were so good, although it wasnt. I got hit with emotions. I was facetime with my friend and started crying.

I deleted her number. But tried messaging on my macbook. Her number is still there. I stopped myself.Also wanted to check her blog. But no. I shouldnt. Just a moment of weakness. Need to let it off my chest.

[Shawnlam]

my close friend wanted to see pics of me and my BPD ex. Sent her everything. Started looking and crying at all the memories. Everything seems like they were so good, although it wasnt. I got hit with emotions. I was facetime with my friend and started crying.

I deleted her number. But tried messaging on my macbook. Her number is still there. I stopped myself.Also wanted to check her blog. But no. I shouldnt. Just a moment of weakness. Need to let it off my chest.

I’ve felt many times like this ,I know exactly how you feel ,best to come here and post it’s a good release

[CryWolf]

I’ve felt many times like this ,I know exactly how you feel ,best to come here and post it’s a good release

Yea it get difficult at times. It’s been well over 6 months now and still miss her.

Time honestly is your only friend in these things.

I unblocked her on Facebook. My friend stalked her last night on fb and told me she still has our pics up on her Facebook. It’s strange. Why? Maybe she forgot about it? Maybe she doesn’t want to let go? Idk. I’m starting to wonder if she misses me and is hurt that I’m dating now? Idk. I shouldn’t keep myself waiting. But she was my first love and will always be someone i love so much.

If she does come back, I don’t know what to do. If I do get in a new r/s. I’m scared I’d leave them for m ex. Or maybe cheat. And I’m not a cheater. I guess I’m just scared right now of those possibilities. They aren’t holding me back from living my life, but if that moment does come. Then idk.

After the previous girl I dated came back, it honestly made me realize that when you back off long enough chances are the person who left does revisit the idea of coming back. My ex on the other hand is soo stubborn and prideful. I also don’t want to be recycled and lose all the progress I made. I just hope if that moment comes I am prepared.

[Shawnlam]

Yea it get difficult at times. It’s been well over 6 months now and still miss her.

Time honestly is your only friend in these things.

I unblocked her on Facebook. My friend stalked her last night on fb and told me she still has our pics up on her Facebook. It’s strange. Why? Maybe she forgot about it? Maybe she doesn’t want to let go? Idk. I’m starting to wonder if she misses me and is hurt that I’m dating now? Idk. I shouldn’t keep myself waiting. But she was my first love and will always be someone i love so much.

If she does come back, I don’t know what to do. If I do get in a new r/s. I’m scared I’d leave them for m ex. Or maybe cheat. And I’m not a cheater. I guess I’m just scared right now of those possibilities. They aren’t holding me back from living my life, but if that moment does come. Then idk.

After the previous girl I dated came back, it honestly made me realize that when you back off long enough chances are the person who left does revisit the idea of coming back. My ex on the other hand is soo stubborn and prideful. I also don’t want to be recycled and lose all the progress I made. I just hope if that moment comes I am prepared.

Don’t worry my ex is also stubborn and prideful ,it’s why she hasn’t contacted me and that’s ok I like ppl with character.Just to tell you how much I think of her I actually wanted to reach out to her for a meet up and talk to her again ,but I always come here to read the stories about how they don’t get better (unless they seek treatment) which my ex has not.So all in all I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself of this aspect before I do something stupid.