This is it, the month I file for divorce

[mylovewbpd]

Hello All,

Well, she moved out 2 months ago and lived in my house for a month before that in a separate room.  She seems to have moved on, seemingly has a new victim, but I don't even want to know who.  I don't think I can handle that.  She has no remorse for the lies, the way she used me while she planned to leave me, and the things she did behind my back (ie. flirtations, spreading rumors about me, etc). She still acts like we were just friends or something. Doesn't want to say the words married or divorce and acts so nonchalant about the whole thing.  What's worse is that she will still try to bait me through text and try to get attention. She finds reasons to come to the house, even when I tell her it isn't necessary... .she ignores me and says she's on her way.  It is so hurtful and I need to get off this roller coaster. She refuses to believe she has a problem or get counseling.  Just believes she "fell out of love" and POOF... .that was it! I "let myself go" and was "too into politics for her taste". "Why (am I) so upset?" (blank stare) Things like this happen all the time she tells me.

This Friday she graduates college, something that she would have never started nor achieved without me, but she told me she doesn't want me at the graduation ceremony.  She says it would be too confusing for her friends and family... .even though they all know how much I helped her get that degree; homework assignments and editing and sometimes WHOLE projects when her anxiety and depression became too much last year. Maybe her new victim will be there, maybe she has given a story of the breakup and doesn't want them to see the truth but I cannot control what is out there about me. I can not control anything but how I react. I didn't want to hang out with her family anyways.  I just wanted to be in that auditorium with the rest of the crowd and hear her name called; which would have been so amazing as the last year has been nothing but struggle. I will respect her wishes though. It isn't my choice or my day.  It just hurts SO badly.

Needless to say, this week is going to be hard but next week I will be filing for divorce.  She was supposed to go with me but I have a feeling she will drag this out or prolong filing unless I take matters into my own hands; as she won't discuss divorce at all.  I'm tired of the push/pull.  Clearly, as of last year I was only there to use while it was convenient. She may have loved me in the beginning but once she took me off that pedestal, she kept her feelings inside and pretended to be loving and attentive while she told her co-workers (who don't know me) a story about us being "just roommates" and her "needing space" because I was "controlling".  She didn't tell our friends or family until last month because she knew how they would react. None of these people saw her anxiety attacks, her temper tantrums, her paranoia, her accusing me of cheating, her depression kicking in.  They didn't see me pick up her slack at home and with school. I did way too much and she lost respect for me.

When she finally confessed she didn't love me anymore, she told me she didn't want to save our relationship. She didn't want to try to work on it. She just wanted me to let her out of our relationship part but didn't want to be alone so she started living in another room, going out all hours, staying up all hours, getting super cocky, being mean/cruel, talking about how she could get anyone to date her. She would probably still be living in my house if I hadn't told her she needed to leave. I couldn't take it anymore. Apparently this sweet, loving person I used to know was perfectly fine using me even if she had labeled me black, if it suited her needs. I realized that I needed to detach, file for divorce and go my way alone.  She still is depressed some days, cries and hugs me then leaves abruptly, suffers from insomnia, anorexia, self-harms, and tries to engage my co-dependent nature by telling me she needs help with this or that. I have kept things cordial but I don't respond quickly or often when she reaches out anymore. I don't help her with money or anything and I have started therapy to recover from this toxic relationship.  After I move on July 31st from our place, it is going to be full NO CONTACT.  I never would have imagined 5 years ago that this would be happening but it IS happening and I need to take my life back.  Anyone relate?

[Mutt]

When you have something that you give or do for a pwBPD you’re split white. You’re the silent partner in this r/s you did a lot to help her and you didn’t recognition from her family, freinées and herself. I also ghink that it was nice of you to wait a week until after the ceremonies.

Moving will probably do you some good it’s a fresh start it can be exciting.

She was supposed to go with me but I have a feeling she will drag this out or prolong filing unless I take matters into my own hands; as she won't discuss divorce at all.

The way she is acting cocky and aboient with you I think that you the right idea take control by filing for divorce because if you leave it up to her she won’t do it because it’s another broken r/s , she would losing another attachment.

[mylovewbpd]

Thank you Mutt. You are kind.  You totally sound like you get it. I agree, moving will help SO much.  As it stands, my wife works one mile from our place.  We moved here for her to have a closer commute.  Now, everything I see reminds me of her and I am afraid of running into her at coffee shop, restaurants, Target, or the grocery store. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure she talks to other love interests.  I don't want to run into her on a date or outing either.  She uses the closeness of my place to check up on me from time to time.  She will never admit it but I find it odd that she will sometimes text me when I'm out late... .exactly at times when I'm out at night. As if I owe her any explanation. It will be so freeing to be away from all of that.  I will certainly tell her I'm going to file but will not be waiting for her to come with me.  I am strategically waiting one week til after the graduation to file for divorce because the last thing I want to do is cloud or shadow this time of celebration with the knowledge that I"m moving on.  She pretends she doesn't care and acts like we have been separated for YEARS but deep down, the reason she left is because she is broken inside and afraid I would leave her; she left me before she could be left (even though that never would have happened).

How are you?  What's your story? Are you separated or still with your BPD loved one?

[Mutt]

Thanks for the compliment mylovewBPD. It hurts when your expwBPD doesn’t think about how their actions hurt you it doesn’t show a lot of empathy, i wouldn’t want to run into mine either or want to have my ex keep tabs on me.

I was with my ex wife for almost 8 years I knew nothing about BPD until 4 months after we split up. I got here 5 years go in June. A year before we split up I got fed up with the fighting, emotional immaturity, the push pull behaviours. I threatened her with divorce I though that might scare her I go changing boy was I wrong keep in mind that I didn’t know about BPD. She started an affair shortly after I told her that I wanted a divorce I had triggered her fear of abandonment.

We have 3 kids together, she moved out with no money and no job with the kids because I was emotionally, financially and physically abusive to her and the kids. She was waffling about about giving me access to the kids. I have no problem if she doesn’t want to continue the marriage but when it came to the kids it doesn’t matter what she wants. So with no money and lawyer I filed for access and shared custody.

Im good today, it took a long time to detach it didn’t take long to stop the bleeding after the split that’s the first thing that I did. I have enough time behind me now that it doesn’t interfere with my life, I look forward to getting up in the morning and I feel great. As you know these breaks up are really tough and it’s hard to see life getting better when you’re in the middle of it. This forum was a lifesaver.

[mylovewbpd]

So FYI, my wife has been texting me more this week than normal. She is usually so aloof and only texts me if she needs something so we go without communication for days.  I might see her once in a week so she can pick up her mail.  Which is completely her way of coming over to take a look around.  I have told her to forward her mail to her new address.  I have offered to forward her mail for her.  She refuses to acknowledge me when I bring it up and then tells me she will be there to pick it up the next day.  (As an example of our interactions)

So anyways, I have gotten a "Good Morning" Text 3 days in a row now and she even called me this morning to chat.  I don't know what has changed in her universe recently but I do NOT trust her.  She is not in therapy, doesn't believe she has a problem, and is very narcissistic when it comes to any relationship right now.  Something is up... .or maybe she just wants attention. Another possibility is that this month is when I file for divorce, she knows that already.  She may be trying to pretend we can be close again to keep me from filing or manipulate the filing in some way. Regardless, I keep my interactions short.  To the point. Then I pretend to be busy and move on.  She probably knows I am upset about not going to her graduation and is trying to get me to bring it up.  Well, I will not be doing that. 

I found out my wife had BPD after doing research when she left.  It was so bazaar that I had to know what had happened to us. To me. To her!  So I looked around and BPD fit it all.  It was too late to work the tools or salvage arguments or save face at that point.  She stopped going to therapy right after she left me, as she came to the conclusion the relationship breakdown was all my fault    So that's how I came to this forum.  And for me, everyone here that reads my posts and responds with their tidbits of knowledge have been so instrumental in helping me regain my strength and sanity. I am so grateful.

[Mutt]

Another possibility is that this month is when I file for divorce, she knows that already. 

I can relate with your post I had thought about what would happen if I had the appropriate tools?  We can't be hard on ourselves we did the best that we could with what we had at the time, BPD is a serious mental illness a T that treats a pwBPD sometimes have to go into therapy themselves because of how hard it is to treat a pwBPD we were living it 24/7/365 with no training.

I agree with you I think that she's being friendly because she wants to stall the divorce.

[mylovewbpd]

Hey Mutt, 

Oh boy! I cannot believe that.  The T's need therapy sometimes? dang. Well, I have been getting more information about how to file for divorce and I had therapy myself yesterday... .my therapist said the same thing you said about that we can only do what we know how to do at the time and that her mental illness isn't something I could have prepared for. Even with tools, she may have still left.  I think most of us "non"s beat ourselves up because we have no other way to understand what has happened.  We try to find the flaws in ourselves because it is easier than making sense of the chaos or realizing we had, literally, NO control over anything.  We could be the most perfect partner EVER and the pwBPD would have still gone through that cycle of idealization, devaluation and done.  Unfortunately, the answers may never come for me but I still find myself, from time to time, thinking I could have handled this fight or that argument or this incident differently.  Maybe I could have, but I think she still would have left me eventually.  She is a quiet borderline and she not only creates scenarios to push people away but she doesn't communicate when she IS unhappy until she is ready to cut someone off... .it seems sudden to us "non"s but not to her.  She was brooding about it for months.

SO, what do you all have planned for the weekend?  I plan on lots of nature.  I am heading to the coast to do some hiking!  Taking my dog with me.  I will not be online beginning Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon.  My wife's graduation is at noon Friday and I really do not want to see all the pics online and fake happiness show from her toxic family who didn't support her going to college in the first place! (btw, I am not friends with her online but some of her extended family may post and they are still friendly with me)  It is just better for me to block it out and just get away.  Get some peace.  After this milestone is over, the next one for me is filing for divorce and that, for me, is a positive one.