7 months out. Self assessment.

[JNChell]

I’m 7 months out of the on/off relationship with my ex. I’m pretty tired mentally, emotionally and physically. It doesn’t feel good, but it’s necessary. I’ve done a horrible job at trying to detach. I’ve done everything wrong just as I did within the relationship. The difference being is that I didn’t have these tools, this new knowledge and this support group while in the relationship, but I do now and have been failing. The situation came to a head yesterday. She threatened me with false allegations to call the police. One of her comments was “keep it up JNChell. I haven’t destroyed you yet.” I didn’t help the situation at all. I added fuel to the fire. This all transpired because I am stuck. My anxiety spiked. I’m tired.

We are now communicating through a web based parenting site, and have blocked all other forms of communication. I got very rattled by her threats yesterday. She’s the one that signed us up for the parenting portal, so she was perhaps rattled by me as well. The thing is that the things that I shot back at her were true. She was threatening me with lies and manipulations. I’ve seen this side of her before, but never to this extent. I imagine that she felt very threatened and reacted appropriately given her world view and frame of reference. It was an awful day. I was waiting for the police to show up all while having our Son with me. She basically threatened to tell the police that I had kidnaped him. He was taking a bath while I was assembling our new dinner table. I saved the discussion, of course.

-Our Son-  He seems to be doing ok. He still makes comments about wanting me to come home. It’s heart wrenching and I worry about him. I worry about the reality that he is in right now. I hope I’m doing what I should be doing. I’m pondering family court more and more, but I’m very scared of trying to take that route. His mother is in total control right now, and isn’t afraid to enforce it at her leisure. Communication between us is at a total breakdown at this point. This is her narcissistic side. I worry about how he’s being treated, and if he’s being conditioned to withhold things from me. My T has told me that toddlers are reporters, but he loves his mom, and I’m worried that he is being coerced as a 3 year old. When he does open up, it’s with a shyness and uncertainty. I don’t coerce him or interrogate him. Sometimes he just talks. He’s spoken of mistreatment. Basically abuse, but I don’t have a bearing on the frequency, or if it was an isolated event. Knowing what I know, it wasn’t, but I have no factual proof. I’m not there to step in anymore.

-My ex-  As far as I know, she’s still in therapy, but my gut feeling is that she’s simply stuck with it for validation. I don’t know. Her malice and vindictiveness seem worse. Perhaps that’s because of the way that I continue to engage her and call her out. I do this because of my own selfish needs for a sincere apology and validation. Wisemind tells me to let this need go, but emotions are still trumping that. The hatred and lack of accountability that I feel from her is overwhelming. I’m angry and hurt, but I feel no hatred towards her. I feel love, or at least what I perceive love to be at this point. I’ve heard it said that love is our involuntary reaction to virtue. This makes sense to me, but I’ve never learned it through experience. As Turkish says, we know what we know, and we don’t know what we don’t know. I’m not necessarily a religious person, but I find myself praying for her at times. I condemn her at times as well. Push/pull. Are we similar in this? Am I the same as her in a sense? Do we share the same reactions, only the reaction to a given situation is different? Are we interchangeable in that way? Will I ever find peace with this woman?

-Me-  S3 and I are pretty much settled into the new place. There’s still much to do and buy, but the necessities are in place. He seems to have settled in pretty naturally and it’s been a good learning experience for us both. He’s been helping me put things together to the best of his 3 year old abilities. I’m proud of him. He’s quite the little boy. Always wanting to help and be involved. I take this as a good sign. He’s curious and is interested to know what I’m doing and why. I sense that he’s emotionally confused about the breakup and I have difficulty trying to explain this to someone that has no grasp on logic yet, but I try. I allow him reasonable space to explore and make decisions given his age, and I think I’m beginning to sense a sense of respect and trust from him. I hope my instincts are correct. I never had that as a child. I doubt my parenting abilities quite a bit, but that is starting to turn for me. He seems happy and content for the most part. I pay attention to that. I’ve found that it is very hard to stay in the here and now when I worry so much about his future and all of the variables that I’m too well familiar with. I love our Son.

It doesn’t feel like it’s been 7 months. Perhaps this is a side affect of being stuck between a couple of the stages. I was talking with a good friend the other night about how we never imagined that we would be where we are now in life. We had it all planned out in our 20’s. We had a somber laugh about that. I believe that one of the most important things that I can ever do for our Son outside of validation is to teach him about radical acceptance. I’ve got to learn it and practice it for myself first. The clock is ticking.

[Insom]

Oh,  JNChell!  Hugs.    Thanks for sharing so sincerely with us.  It sounds like things feel hard right now and that you're struggling for equilibrium.  It's great that you and your wife are both in therapy.  I can relate very much to feeling like I'm not doing a very good job and needing extra help.

You said you find yourself praying for her.  How about yourself?  How does it feel to extend some of that generosity of spirit to yourself? 

[JNChell]

Hi, Insom. Thanks for reaching out.

You said you find yourself praying for her.  How about yourself?  How does it feel to extend some of that generosity of spirit to yourself?

I should probably be asking myself this more. Honestly, it feels foreign. My T has been exploring this with me a bit. We’re still in the discovery stages of therapy, but she does touch on this. I do believe that going absolute minimal contact will help. The anxiety has subsided quite a bit just over the last couple of days since starting it.

I’m trying to hash out a solid routine that involves as much self care as possible, but it’s been go, go, go for a while now. That is starting to slow down a bit as I’m getting settled, though. You know, I think I’ll discuss shifting my focus away from my ex, and on to me during my session tomorrow. Thanks, Insom.

[Panda39]

You know, I think I’ll discuss shifting my focus away from my ex, and on to me during my session tomorrow. Thanks, Insom.

This is a great idea and I would add to that focus on your son when he is with you too. 

I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw and they share 2 daughters, when I arrived here I was one angry Panda... .How could this woman treat her children this way, why did she do what she did, how could I control what she did... .and on and on this stuff spun around spiraling my anger.

Matt a long time member advised me to stop focusing on the ex (she's gonna do what she's gonna do... .radical acceptance) and focus on the girls.  Focus on setting another example for them, show them another life, help them negotiate their mother.  This was truly helpful to me and shifted my thinking and my focus and started the de-escalation of my anger.

Take your focus off your ex... .by keeping it there, by trying to control her, by JADEing, by communicating about you and her vs only communicating about your son, you are giving her what she wants... .you are engaging in the drama and feeding the drama.  You know this.  The person here that you can control is you. 

Why do you think you continue to engage?  What do you get out of doing this?  What are some tools that you might use to de-escalate things instead of fanning the flames?

Panda39

[MeandThee29]

I agree. Focus on your son and what you truly have influence over. When I started doing that instead of trying to figure out how to interact with my pwBPD, I started feeling better. The reality is that none of interact "well" with someone with BPD. Once you accept that it's going to be rocky no matter what you do, you can focus on other things.

[Jeffree]

I continue to engage her and call her out. I do this because of my own selfish needs for a sincere apology and validation.

I went through that phase. It's so hard not to when they asked for perfection and apologies constantly in return for all the shortcomings they perceived in us that when we actually realize it was they who had the shortcomings we believe they will own them in the same way we owned ours.

Years of engaging her this way and seeing how she ALWAYS masterfully weaseled out of any responsibility for anything has caused me to abandon any pursuit of this.

My ex is so invested in her own far-flung thinking that a judge could (hopefully) tell her that she is on the hook for X amount of child support and spousal maintenance and she'll just assume the judge is misogynist or the court system is against her instead of realizing that abandoning the marriage and home the way she did was wrong.

J

[JNChell]

Hi, Panda39. Thanks for your post. We’ve not communicated on the boards before now, but I’ve read a lot of your content, and you’re doing a great thing by being here for the people that you love because of your SO’s ex. Most of us are here because we were or are directly connected to a pwBPD. Kudos.

Why do you think you continue to engage?  What do you get out of doing this?  What are some tools that you might use to de-escalate things instead of fanning the flames?

I’m not proud of what I’m about to say. I’ve continued to engage because, like I said, my selfishness wants an apology and validation. It keeps me stuck, that’s what I get out of it in a nutshell. The best tool/s that I can use with her are minimal contact and BIFF.

I’ve had no contact with her for a few days. The anxiety is calming. Thank you Panda.

[JNChell]

I agree. Focus on your son and what you truly have influence over.

MeandThee29, Our Son is my first and foremost focus. It goes unsaid with me. I guess I should’ve considered the board when talking about where my focus needs to be.

I hear you. I have spent far too much time and energy trying to figure my ex out. Trying to find a reason. Believing her vs. believing this support group and keeping myself stuck. Like you said, no matter what angle I try, it will never turn out well. Thanks MeandThee29.

[JNChell]

we believe they will own them in the same way we owned ours.

Hey, Jeffree. The above was all I needed at times. Honestly, it would be nice to hear now, but it’s been holding me back in a big way. The way that it feels inside is a feeling that if I don’t let go, I will end up a very lonely person because I allowed myself to become obsessed with this. I can’t do that to myself. I have a great T and the stuff is coming out.

seeing how she ALWAYS masterfully weaseled out of any responsibility for anything

Yes. I’m not going to give my testimonies here, but I empathize. The similarities are too much sometimes. It’s hard to wrap my head around how similar this stuff is between the thousands on this forum. I have to say that the proof is in the pudding. The brain was affected in a certain, and negative way, and this is the outcome when the nature of human love is violated. If you believe in evolution and science,  you have to wonder how Neanderthals treated each other. This stuff spilled over from somewhere.

My ex is so invested in her own far-flung thinking that a judge could (hopefully) tell her that she is on the hook for X amount of child support and spousal maintenance and she'll just assume the judge is misogynist or the court system is against her instead of realizing that abandoning the marriage and home the way she did was wrong.

You’re surely solid on everything. She left. You took care of her kids. I wonder if the betrayal ever leaves some of us. I worry about that a lot.

[Jeffree]

I wonder if the betrayal ever leaves some of us.

I can see where this could be worrisome because it just doesn't feel good. As a matter of fact, it continues to be the most hurtful element of what I experienced with my ex.

I would say it feels as though it is leaving me, BUT I fear that's only because I haven't seen nor heard from her in over a month. Absence makes one forget about the betrayal. However, I worry that it will all come crashing back the minute I see her, or the moment I get a response from her side in the divorce where she rescinds her promise to keep it civil or asks for things she's not entitled to on top of insisting on not paying support or maintenance.

I'd like to believe that once this is entirely over and I am back to living on my own that I will have much more peace in my mind and heart and the betrayal will melt away.

J