calledandchosen I think this is a rewarding task--to figure out the elements of the ex in our life. Then sort out what was "probably the PD" stuff, what were the qualities that attracted us, asking the deeper questions about replaying the dramas. I encourage you to keep going on this, I think it'll lead you to be a more confident person when you bring yourself to dates in the future.
I believe I can meet a new partner who will have many of these qualities, but without all of the other scary stuff.
I believe you certainly can meet a partner with many fabulous traits and without all the other scary stuff.
Have you thrown away the entire package of your ex, or do you look for some similar qualities in your new/next partner?
Looking at what I wrote before, I suppose I'm looking at a similar set of traits as those I was looking for before the pwBPD. Kind, communicates well, etc. There was a time when I started to question fundamentally if there was something terribly wrong with my criteria because I happened into a pwBPD relationship. At that time, I let the criteria go. After some time passed, a lot of inventory, looking at self and my ex, I think now that it's still effective to have those wants, as long as I've ironed out which elements were "probably" the BPD in my mind.
Something that helped me with this is seeing that nons probably are not served by throwing out their wants with the bathwater. As you put it, to throw away the "entire package". To me, there was a huge incentive to categorically avoid anything that resembled my ex. The experience was so horrible. I'm sure I'm not alone on this one on the board--re the dozens of pages of nons listing red flags.
Further down, my worry last time was that some arrangement of traits had some strong correlation to the pwBPD. So it's "probably all tainted". The thing that freed me from this further on months or years later was coming to some understanding of how pwBPDs operate from the object relations unit perspective. I'm not a T and I'm not in the field, so please excuse me if I've not quite put this right--but it works for me.
Basically, understand that a pwBPD probably runs as a hodgepodge entity of three units--one rewarding, one withdrawing, around some kind of childlike self. The rewarding image is the part were I derived heaps of satisfaction--and probably where nons got the kicks of idealisation from.
OK, so the point is that the image that I got the most pleasure from seems to me to be
trait-independent.
A bit more detail. Focus on the rewarding image's elements:
- What is the pwBPD (identification in that moment)? The child.
- What am I (projected identity)? Some parent image.
- What is the pwBPD's strategy (in that moment)? Child is to cause caretaking by the parent image.
So the point is that each of the three above elements have very little to do with individual personality traits. I'm pretty sure there's no "extra honest" or "very kind" identifier for BPD. There are thousands of combinations.
So it seems easier to me to have a basic set of traits to want, and then be on the lookout for triangulation that looks like the rewarding or withdrawing you learned about (so past hypersensitivity here becomes an
asset). This all seems to me easier than trying to pick the lock of, say, which of the 16 personalities is my current prospect in, what is the %-rate of PD in that personality type, etc.
This helps me--I hope this can help you find a shortcut in your searching for what you want too.
Here's a
great thread about what traits members are interested in. I like how it seems to leave the lid open for any number of fabulous qualities--brutal honesty, loyalty, kindness--whether pwBPDs have them or not.
I hope you enjoy your peace and experimentation.
... .
"Attached" by Heller and Levine which is the best book I have ever read on how to find a healthy partner.
zachira I bought this book because it's supposed to be an enjoyable read--but I've not read it yet. I'm interested in what you think of it. Any chance you could put a comment on the book page on the site?
