Need help to understand and cope

[justenlightened]

Hello all,

I am a male, 49yrs, married and with grown up kids (22 and 16yrs).
 
My wife is emotionally very sensitive, has always been so since i have known and married her (almost 25 yrs).  I took that as a personality trait,  attributed that to her childhood growing up years with an alcoholic father.  He is not alive anymore but from the descriptions I hear, he was emotionally abusive when drunk , but a gentleman when normal.  We have had a relationship which i will without hesitation describe as one full off many  roller coaster rides.  We have fought intensely over trivial matters, but also have had a great and loving relationship at other times. I thought it would get better with time, and it has somewhat been better than the initial episodes. 

Of late, however her behaviour has turned from emotional to highly emotional, with an episode or irrational anger over 'everyone' around her.  Her feelings about me have always ranged from extreme hate and anger to extreme need to be with me, almost to the extent of being physically clingy, wanting physical closeness.  She has fear of losing me, of being abandoned and needs me to fall back upon for help and support. 

As i read and understand more about it, I think she displays a many if not all of the signs of BPD.  It was good to learn about bpdfamily as a way to share.  The material on your website on coping with it is very reassuring.  However my problem is actually something more severe than this and I would appreciate any suggestions on how I should deal with it... .

Of late she has been developing some lumps all over her body.  Starting with the lest breast, under the armpit, and other parts as well.  She has been having unexplained physical pain, mostly in the joints which also have some swelling.  However she strongly refuses to undergo any investigations which i think is due largely to denial of the issue due to extreme fear of cancer.  Now the irony of this is, she is herself a medically trained professional, she practices alternative medicine and is passionate about it. She is very successful as an alternative practitioner and has developed a very good reputation where we live, she is also doing financially well in her work.  So this makes it extremely tough to convince her.  I think (and i am not a medico) that not investigating these health issue at all is an irrational decision.  I feel extremely worried, it affects my work, my emotional state, and even creates anxiety about my future career and life planning.   

I have even tried to enlist some very close friends, who are also very successful and intelligent medical professionals who have spoken to her but it has not helped much.  I do not know how I should be dealing with my own mindset and how to cope with it.  My children (who are 22 and 16yrs) are not yet fully aware of what I am discovering.  Not sure if I should share.   

And for the same reason, I also do not see any way to get her properly assessed by a professional therapist for BPD and help her on getting out of it.  So even on that front, I feel helpless.

I would like to know how the others have dealt with it.  I would be very obliged. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi justenligtened,

Very sorry! I was doing a search and noticed your post slipped through the cracks!

Has anything new happened in terms of her health being assessed, regarding these lumps, etc.?

With BPD, may I ask, is that something she is open to working on? It is something to be cautious about if she is not aware of or would be resistant to seeking help for!

wishing you the best, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi justenlightened, joining pearlsw in welcoming you  . That must be an incredible burden to face both a possible health crisis and coming to terms with the possibility of BPD at once.

I will address your questions regarding your wife's health and BPD in one suggestion.

For the physical part, you could make an appointment for your own annual physical and encourage her to join you. Or you could express some concern about cancer for yourself but say you are nervous to do it alone and ask if she would do it too in support.

For the BPD part, you could bring up your desire to improve the marriage and your own part in it and hope she would be willing to see a counselor with you. This is how I got my uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife) on a possible path to help.

I think you will most likely have to prioritize one, though, since facing a possible cancer diagnosis and BOD diagnosis at the same time is probably more than she could bear. And it's safe to say that physical health has to come first.

I also think this video is extremely helpful of getting into the mindset of someone with an illness, either physical or mental, who is not prepared to face it.

In the end, however, we have to remember that her health, both physical and mental, is her own responsibility and only she has the right to make the call on seeking treatment.

What do you think of the above, and do you think it would be helpful / feasible to enlist your adult children's help?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld