Introduction, 31yr daughter is controlling my life, ideas for how to let go?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 31 year old daughter has BPD. Her life, from my perspective, is pretty miserable. She has difficulty dealing with everyone, although she has been in a treatment program for a few years. She does not think that there is anything wrong with her. She blames everyone else.

I have been told that I have enabled her behavior.  I have just read the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” & I have gained some understanding of my daughter’s challenges. However, I do not know how to let go of the feeling I have that my daughter needs help. I know that my help is not always best for her, but somehow I have always felt responsible for her challenges. My daughter has made my life very miserable. She has greatly harmed my marriage for years, & I have minimized the number of friends that I have because it is just very difficult to hear about all of the wonderful things that other parents get to experience with their children, when my experiences are nothing like that. My daughter resents every aspect of my life & does her best to make me feel bad anytime I try to have fun and be happy. My daughter expects me to include her in my life, but I cannot do that because of her behavior.

Any suggestions for me of how to let go & stop being constantly emotionally drained?

[Perplexed2]

My 31 year old daughter has BPD. Her life, from my perspective, is pretty miserable. She has difficulty dealing with everyone, although she has been in a treatment program for a few years. She does not think that there is anything wrong with her. She blames everyone else.

I have been told that I have enabled her behavior.  I have just read the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” & I have gained some understanding of my daughter’s challenges. However, I do not know how to let go of the feeling I have that my daughter needs help. I know that my help is not always best for her, but somehow I have always felt responsible for her challenges. My daughter has made my life very miserable. She has greatly harmed my marriage for years, & I have minimized the number of friends that I have because it is just very difficult to hear about all of the wonderful things that other parents get to experience with their children, when my experiences are nothing like that. My daughter resents every aspect of my life & does her best to make me feel bad anytime I try to have fun and be happy. My daughter expects me to include her in my life, but I cannot do that because of her behavior.

Any suggestions for me of how to let go & stop being constantly emotionally drained?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

   Welcome Perplexed2,

    I'm sorry you are feeling emotionally drained. It's a state most of the parents here have been in, so we understand how you feel.   You have asked a great question!  How to let go and stop being constantly emotionally drained? You have also made some statements many other parents have made along the way in this journey; Like where is the line between enabling and helping, I feel responsible, my marriage has been harmed in some way, and on and on it goes.
   It's great that you have read the book, it's a starting place. Here is also a great place to be. Let me encourage you to read and respond to other posts, interact with the other parents here. Keep asking questions.
  I hear you on the making your life miserable, my D lives with me. So I've asked myself many of the same things you have. This life of BPD sucks  I don't like it, I don't have too; but what I do need to do is learn how to function in my daughters world. That way she can see and hear that I love her and support her.
   You are in a very hard spot right now, I reach out my hand to you to show support. This place is great, everyone here understands, listens and encourages each other. Keep coming back, let us know how you are doing, what you're doing for self care.

[Feeling Better]

Hello Perplexed2, I would like to join bluek9 in welcoming you here.

My 31 year old daughter has BPD. Her life, from my perspective, is pretty miserable. She has difficulty dealing with everyone, although she has been in a treatment program for a few years. She does not think that there is anything wrong with her. She blames everyone else.

I get what you are saying, my uBPD son thinks there is nothing wrong with him, blames us for everything and thinks that I am the one with a problem.
You say that she has been in a treatment program for a few years, is it a program aimed towards BPD?

I have been told that I have enabled her behavior.  I have just read the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” & I have gained some understanding of my daughter’s challenges. However, I do not know how to let go of the feeling I have that my daughter needs help. I know that my help is not always best for her, but somehow I have always felt responsible for her challenges.

You say that you have always felt responsible for her challenges, do you think that you are feeling somewhat guilty? Quite often we do things out of Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG), you can click on this link to read about it:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Any suggestions for me of how to let go & stop being constantly emotionally drained?

Your daughter is an adult, she is responsible for her own choices and her own behaviour and I personally think that you accepting that enables you to be able to let go. As for being constantly emotionally drained, self care is of the utmost importance. I also think that having healthy boundaries in place will help protect you from getting to the point whereby you feel emotionally drained. If you look to the right  
you will see under the TOOLS heading ~ Communicate Boundaries & Limits.

Hope this helps x