Because of NC with Mom, I can't even be Maid of Honor at my sisters wedding

[heartofglass]

Need some advice please. I'm really, REALLY upset.

I went No Contact with my BPD mom in December after a particularly abusive fight. I can't see her again.

My sister (who is still in close contact with my BPD mom - codependent) just asked me to be her Maid of Honor at her wedding next year.

But my mom of course will be present as Mother of the Bride. Therefore, I can't be Maid of Honor. I realize I can't go to anything anymore. I even had to miss my grandma's funeral!

NC has been the best thing for me, but it is actually isolating me from the rest of my family. We can't have any normal holiday anymore -- Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. She will always be there. (And I don't want to start having two of each holiday, that's ridiculous we'd have to make that concession for my mom's awful behavior.)

I feel in an awful twist of fate, I am the one being punished for my mom's mistreatment of me, while she gets to keep her entire family. (Ironically, she actually kept ME isolated from the rest of the family for a decade because she didn't like them. DH and me served as her only family during that time. She's just lucky they all took her back after my dad died, out of pity!) Plus she now has her new boyfriend's family now too, etc. She's basically surrounded by support. We have children and could definitely use a loving family but she's getting all that, not us.

The only long-term solution I can think of is finally just moving closer to my husband's normal, supportive, loving family for a chance at a normal life. (They would love it if we moved closer. We live thousands of miles apart.) Is it worth it to move? I'm pretty much more fed up than I've ever been in my life.

[Panda39]

Hi heartofglass,

I hear your disappointment   

Maybe you could do something special with or for your sister just the two of you?  I know that doesn't help with the isolation from family but it could help you feel more connected to your sister during this special time. Even if you don't go to the wedding that doesn't mean you can't still support your sister.

Maybe take her and her bridesmaids out to lunch? A Sisters mani/pedi?  Help her run errands?  Send her and the groom champagne to their honeymoon suite?  Upgrade their room?  Give her something borrowed or something blue?... .

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Notwendy]

Have you accepted or declined your sisters request? I take it you want to be the maid of honor.
 
I understand the dilemma. I have not gone NC with my mother but I do a form of medium chill with her- meaning we talk but I don't share personal information and don't participate in her drama. It's not comfortable to be at a family event with her but I am cordial and pleasant - don't get into drama for the time we are there.

My mother is less likely to act up at something like a family wedding. In your case as mother of the bride- she is in the spotlight and unless she's out of control she's not likely to get into drama in this situation.

The question about attending is up to you. Can you hold it together/ not take what your mother says personally for the time you are there - because your sister wants you there and you want to be there ?

When my father died- my mother had painted me black to him and to her family - most of who would be there. I didn't want to go. With my father gone and no family there I was close to, I didn't see the point. However my kids were close to my father and wanted to go. I decided I would go - for them - not because of her or her family. A family member on his side ( the only one there from his side) decided to go- for me. We were close and it was wonderful to have her support. BPD mom hardly spoke to me. I didn't care.

My kids were my reason. If you feel you want to be there for your sister - then do it. You can be NC with mom at other times but if you want to be in your sister's life you can decide to manage attending these types of events.

[GaGrl]

Oh, my... .how is your sister handling the planning of a wedding with a PD mother? That just be difficult.

What options have you entertained so far? Is the matron of honor even an option for you?

[zachira]

Because you are NC with your mom, you cannot attend your sister's wedding and are not able to go to major family events anymore. I am in a somewhat similar situation, though I have not yet gone NC. I am reducing my contact with my BPD siblings and mother, and it is resulting in my seeing less and less of all the relatives which is a distressing and lonely road for me, though I feel I really have no choice at this point. You love your family yet you can't bear to be around your mother. My three closest relative have BPD, and I really do understand how miserable it is to be around a BPD family member, particularly when it is a parent. Unfortunately, we usually cannot get our other family members to understand our decision to be less involved with the family, and things continue as before with the BPD family members included as always in family functions, which for me is another source of pain and distress. I think your idea of moving closer to your husband's family could help you to miss your family less, though I don't think all the hurt of being away from your family will go away. I am wondering if you just went to your sister's wedding as a regular guest, if that would allow you to do the NC with your mother. Just a thought, and maybe not a helpful one at all. There are many of us on the board who are/ have been in painful uncomfortable situations with our BPD family members. Please let us know how you are doing and how we can be the most helpful.

[Highlander]

Hi Heartofglass,

My husbands mother has unBPD/NPD and father is unNPD.  My husband once had low functioning BPD (he's now completely recovered thanks to much hard work and support from my family) but all of his specialists at the time, highly recommended we live nowhere near his family.  At the time, it was life threatening for my husband to be around his parents.  We took their advice and bought a house many hundreds of miles away from them and much closer to my family.

My husband has now gone NC with his entire family (including Aunts, Uncles, cousins etc).

I can't give advice for yourself, everyone's circumstances are different and it appears you have your sister close by, but my family are just like your husband's family (ie they are normal, supportive and loving).  My mother and father have unofficially adopted my husband into our family.  I guess they can't legally do it as he is a 41 year old man   but their relationship is so tight that my husband is planning on changing his name to my maiden name - I never changed my name when we got married as I never wanted to carry my father in law's name - for good reason. 

My husband now has a Mum and a Dad to talk to whenever he wants and a real feeling of unconditional love that he has never had before from any parent.  It wasn't and still isn't an easy road for him and at times he experiences severe loss to this day but he always tells me he is so glad he doesn't have to bump into these people in the street, nor get mixed up in the triangulation games that one can not avoid by being involved with these very unhealthy people.

We are both so glad that we moved close to my family.  We are about to raise a family and feel like you can't put a price on healthy grandparents around children in comparison to unhealthy ones.

Its clear that you have a loving and understanding sister and husband and its worth thinking about attending the wedding just as a guest with the support of your husband by your side, but if your circumstances with your mother are anything like my husband's, I completely understand why it may not be possible to be in the same room as your mother.

Its so hard, every day, I feel my husbands pain.  Its been almost 2 years of NC for him but having my family around him provides him with a happy, healthy, loving environment that's priceless and our Christmas's are are time to look forward to.

[LeneLu]

Ugh... .I am in a similar situation... .I have a cousin getting married in a destination wedding.  My uBPDsis will be traveling to and staying in the same accommodations as my parents.  Of course, they want us/me to stay with them as well and are suggesting that if it is too expensive (it is) for me, my hubby and kid to go, that I just come alone. 

-I really don't want to do that: spend $1,000 to be stuck in the same condo with someone everyone knows will treat me terribly.
-I really don't want to pay 3x that (and vacation days) to have my husband there as a buffer (not that she has any qualms about going past him)

But;
-I do want to be there for my cousin and family that came to my wedding.

So, it seems like I am the one who is punished and distanced from the family because I know what treatment to expect--and I don't want to bear it.  Anyway you slice it, it is going to be a)unpleasant b)expensive c)guilt-ridden d)retreating on my boundaries (I will not be alone with, travel or stay with her ever again).

Of course, I struggle with the optics that if I don't attend, my extended family will think they are not important to me.  But they don't realize how attending will effect me and my mental health.

I do like the suggestion someone made to you of just being a guest at the wedding, but again it feels like you are sacrificing something in order to accommodate your mother.  Although, I don't think the wedding itself will be a problem because she will be in the spotlight.  I think the bigger issue is all of the events you would have to attend in advance (showers, bachelorette parties) where you mom might be.  But let me ask you this... .if you are not at these things and don't have a role in the wedding, would your mom be insecure about that?  Would people as "why"? Is your mom afraid of people knowing the truth?  Would your sister have equivocal answers like "Oh, they don't get along" or would she say something like, "Because my mother has mental health issues and my sister cannot be around it anymore"?

Leenlou

[Harri]

Hi.  My mother was not speaking to me (silent rage) when my brother got engaged.  It never occurred to me not to attend and I would have hated that.  My now SIL did ask me to be in her wedding party and I refused.  It would have been too much on my brother, me and my Sister-in-law and her family.  My mother would not have been able to control herself and would have made me being in the wedding hell for everyone not just me.  Things got tense enough as it was with my limited involvement.  So I stayed out of most of it.

I did attend showers, rehearsal dinners and the wedding and would not have missed it for the world.  I was happy for my brother and wanted to see him married.  I put aside the issues with my mother as much as I could and I had very firm boundaries.  I even sat at the same table as my parents.  To this day I don't know how my sister in-law views my refusal to be in the wedding party.  I have a feeling she got it.  I don't think my brother would have forgiven me if I had not attended and I know I would have regretted it.

Just giving a different perspective.  I looked at my attending not as giving up my boundary but as not allowing my mother to have so much power over me that I would skip out on my own brothers wedding.

[CollectedChaos]

I looked at my attending not as giving up my boundary but as not allowing my mother to have so much power over me that I would skip out on my own brothers wedding.

I want to second Harri in this.  I have been NC with my mom for several years now, but my brother got married last year and I wouldn't have missed it.  I was just very vigilant during all wedding-related events and kept a firm hold on my boundaries.  If she attempted to initiate conversation, I would say just "hello" and walk away before anything further could be said.  I also had my husband with me at all of the events to be my support in case she flew off the handle or tried to corner me.  I couldn't make the choice to potentially damage the relationship with my brother by not attending just because my mom had done so much damage to our relationship.  Life must go on, and unfortunately she will be around for some of it if I want to still have a relationship with other family.

Obviously, if you feel you can't be in the same room as her or don't feel safe, that's another story and this is by no means an effort to push you to do something you're not comfortable with.  Just wanted to offer another solution.

[heartofglass]

Thank you for your extremely thoughtful responses. It is so nice you all take the time to care. I don't have many people in this life who do. It will take me a while to process them as this is a very painful circumstance I am working hard at healing from daily. It takes a lot out of me to face it. I will respond when I am ready... .

[hellebore1]

I'm also in this boat with uBPD sibling... .but luckily most of the rest of my family is also NC with him b/c his illness extends to blaming *them* for imagined slights and "abuse." 

And I don't want to start having two of each holiday, that's ridiculous we'd have to make that concession for my mom's awful behavior.

Just a thought on this from the original OP:  In my view this has been one of the big challenges, realizing that things other people might think of as unusual actually work for us b/c of our unusual circumstances.  I would actually absolutely consider having two holidays if others are willing to.  Or even not a tit for tat kind of thing, say you and your sis get together for a nice lunch the week after Christmas or a birthday if you have to miss an event b/c of BPD mom.

Just some 2 cents although "my" BPD is my sibling "A", not parent: seems like this kind of thing would absolutely set "A" off, seeing two other family members bonding without him or in spite of him.  I think I'd take others' good advice and attend, but not in an official capacity.  This will make it much easier to leave quickly if you have to in case Mom spirals out of control.

[heartofglass]

OK, finally feel ready to respond... .


Panda39, I could do something special with just my sister, but again it makes me sad that I have to be the one missing out on the main event while my abusive mother gets to shine as Mother of the Bride. (Meanwhile, if I skip my own sister's wedding, I look bad. Ironically.)

Notwendy, I simply can't imagine being in the same room as my mom. I have actually had bad dreams where I'm running and hiding from her. (PTSD maybe?) I have given her countless chances over the years (FOG) and she finally crossed the line to cruelty in December. I would love to be diplomatic, but my DH really hates her too after what she's done and wouldn't dream of being in the same room as her again. I realize because of this alone, there's no chance I can be Maid of Honor.

Gagrl, My sister is handling planning a wedding with our BPD mother because she is codependent. She is surely getting LOTS of financial help. No doubt my mom has offered to pay for the wedding in full. It's a trap, but I imagine it's pretty irresistable to my sister.

Zachira, good to know someone else in the same boat. Thanks so much for responding. It just feels like the punishment is endless sometimes, doesn't it?

Highlander, my dream is to one day finally have a REAL family with no strings attached, which I know my husband's family can provide. I already pretty much call his mom "Mom", and they all know the horrible situation and are 100% supportive. If only they lived several thousand miles closer.

Leenlou, it is so unfair that WE are the ones who lose our families because of our healthy choice of NC. The loneliness is at times almost unbearable for me, especially with very young children. I'm pretty sure if asked why I'm not Maid of Honor, my sister would just tell people my mother and I don't get along. (Which of course, that makes me look bad, but saves face for our family, I guess.) It's an awkward, ugly situation all around, and no matter what it seems I'm getting the short end of the stick. Always.


Harri, I wish I could simply go. That would be ideal. In the past, maybe. But I honestly have some form of PTSD after our last interaction, she was that cruel. She crossed a boundary and I have to put my hand up to the screen if I even see a recent pic of her on social media. It's that bad.


CollectedChaos, Thank you. Yeah, I don't feel safe around her.

[Turkish]

Your mother's behavior has been cruel and two faced,  kind of Mommy Dearest.  My T would likely observe,  "a dis-integrated personality."

From December:

I don't even consider my mom my mother anymore. Her behavior towards the end became actually cruel, and it affected my kids too. I am still recovering from my abused dad's sudden death last year and a few other major setbacks, and now this. I am officially broken. I have lost both my dad and my mom. Something that should have been SO SIMPLE has left me a shell of myself and has set me back a full year in my grief recovery. I guess I forgot love and support only comes with strings attached.

Though we should all give each other grace,  true love doesn't come with strings attached, because true love isn't about the giver,  but rather the receiver.  "Esteem others more important than you." Your mother is the center of her own universe,  sacrificing you and even get grandchildren upon the altar of her self-importance.  

I don't blame you for not even going,  though I hope that this doesn't affect your relationship with your sister.  Any static or fallout from not going sounds great less pain them attending.  

[hellebore1]

my heart really aches for you, heartofglass.  I well remember being in a situation where my extended family didn't understand how ill my BPD brother is and having to deal with questions and scrutiny under similar circumstances.

If you can, try to not think about how things look or what other people will think.  Those other people don't have a BPD nuclear family member (a parent, even, maybe hardest of all) and are not qualified to judge what that is like - period.  If they're people who seem reasonable you can try to explain, but if they don't understand it's their problem, not yours. I hope you have a good counselor to talk to or even a local support group.

Wonder if there's any chance your in-laws could move to where you are?  

[Harri]

Hi again.

Harri, I wish I could simply go. That would be ideal. In the past, maybe. But I honestly have some form of PTSD after our last interaction, she was that cruel. She crossed a boundary and I have to put my hand up to the screen if I even see a recent pic of her on social media. It's that bad.

  Of course, the choice is yours and only you know what you can handle or want to expose yourself to.

I am concerned about what you call a PTSD response.  PTSD is serious and is best treated soon after it begins.  Have you been diagnosed?  Are you in therapy?  I am asking from a place of concern having been diagnosed PTSD.  There are very specific criteria that need to be met to get the diagnosis.  Regardless, if you are having a severe reaction, then you may want to consider professional help.  In the meantime, keep posting and reading here.  We may have different approaches but we can still understand and support each other.