Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 08:37:49 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: How do we attract the right people and become unattractive to the wrong people?  (Read 384 times)
zachira
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« on: June 19, 2018, 01:20:28 PM »

I have noticed that as my ego strength improves, I attract more of the right people into my life and less of the wrong people. It is a challenge in that I still do find myself at times wanting to care take people who can only bleed me dry, and I do not put my feet into the fire as much as I used to. At the same time, there are a few special loving caring people who genuinely appreciate and accept me for who I am, and seem to bring out the best in me. I am wanting to continue on this journey, and would like to know where others are in terms of being less of a magnet for unhealthy people as lovers, friends, and family members, and how it is going with making more meaningful caring connections.  
Any tips on how to speed up the journey towards being surrounded by healthy caring people, and how to make yourself less attractive to the wrong ones? Would it ever be possible that that people with BPD and NPD tendencies would just lose interest in me completely because I am so together that there is no reward in interacting with me? Has anybody had their ex stop contacting them because it was apparently no longer rewarding to do so?
Logged

once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2018, 01:46:35 PM »

i dont know if having ourselves healthy and together repels unhealthy people. everyone to varying extents is attracted to confidence, healthiness, a strong sense of self, and for that matter, all the usual superficial attractions.

it doesnt have to be a bad thing that someone unhealthy is drawn to you. where it becomes one is if youre drawn to them in a dysfunctional way, and that dysfunctional way "clicks" for the both of you.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Insom
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 680



« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2018, 04:10:44 PM »

Great questions, zachiraDoing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
Has anybody had their ex stop contacting them because it was apparently no longer rewarding to do so?

Yes, I believe this happened to me.  My ex and I had an intense break-up/make-up pattern that lasted almost the entirety of our relationship.  (We were always courting or breaking up.)  Finally, I'd had enough and the last time he reached out to reconnect I was able to say "no" in a way that he was able to hear.  I'm not sure what made that last "no" different from all the others.

I don't know what that last conversation felt like to him because we haven't been in contact since.  To me it felt frightening and exhilarating.

Is your ex still contacting you?
Logged

BeagleGirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 570



« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2018, 06:11:47 PM »

I like to think that being healthier would make me less attractive to the "wrong" people because that would save me the trouble of saying "no" to them, but I suspect that I will continue to be attractive to them.  Sigh.

I do think that being confident, happy, and healthy will make me more attractive to the type of man I want in my future.  I DON'T want the kind of guy who feels like he needs to fix or rescue me, and if I'm insecure, sad, and unhealthy that's the only kind of guy who will be interested. 

I think I'm in that "confident, happy, and healthy" place right now... .with the exception of knowing that I still tend to equate the feeling of being needed with being loved.  I know I'm still drawn to men who I could pour myself into because they need me, and as long as they need me they will love me.  Problem is that there are people out there who are great big black holes of need that I could lose myself in and need is not love.  So I think the "anti-BPD spray" I need to mist myself with every morning is a good dose of boundaries.  I'm hoping that the "wrong" type will quickly decide I expect too much of them and fade away/move on and that the "right" type will think "this girl doesn't need me or need me to need her, so we can just go on wanting each other".

As far as tips for speeding up the process... .I don't think you can.  I think you can do a lot towards not getting into a bad relationship, but being ready for a good one takes time and effort and patience.  I think it's when you get to the point where you don't feel a deep longing for relationship because you've learned to be okay on your own that you are just starting to be ready.  Time doesn't seem as long and empty when you get to that place, so you can say "no" to the wrong people and wait for the right ones.
Logged
gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2018, 08:40:30 AM »

zachira   
Any tips on how to speed up the journey towards being surrounded by healthy caring people, and how to make yourself less attractive to the wrong ones?
Yes! I think keeping this intention of being in relationships with healthy caring people will be good company for your journey. Good luck and I join the others in supporting you.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

everyone to varying extents is attracted to confidence, healthiness, a strong sense of self, and for that matter, all the usual superficial attractions.
I'll second this. I think it's also about enjoying the journey as you participate to increase these things for yourself--regardless if there's a chance to meet an SO or not. Have fun!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2018, 09:14:55 AM »

Great question, zachira!  I think good boundaries make for good relationships.  Those w/BPD will test your boundaries to see how far they can go.  If they discover a firm boundary, it's a strong deterrent to anyone with BPD, in my view.

LuckyJim
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2018, 02:29:52 PM »

Excerpt
Any tips on how to speed up the journey towards being surrounded by healthy caring people, and how to make yourself less attractive to the wrong ones?

I'm surprised nobody mentioned self care. I think that it starts with taking really good care of yourself for me that meant that I had to finally treat my major depressive disorder and anxiety. I quit drinking because I can't drink on Wellbutrin I can get a seizure so it's either have a drink every now and again or feel better after years of not feeling well I chose the anti-depressants, I quit smoking, I started to exercising, eating and sleeping better.

I feel like once everything aligned, my mind, body and spirit I started attracting healthier people. I'm not saying that you're a bad person if you drink or smoke if I look around me at the gym I'm hanging out with similar people we're trying to take care of our bodies and you can't take a toxins to do that in the long term.

Working out helped getting rid of cortisol, it boosted my self esteem, self confidence it affected all areas of my life relationships, the workplace etc. I started getting noticed a lot more from the opposite sex and I take my time with choosing the women that I wanted to get to know I learned my lesson with rushing into things and doing it not because I felt complete but because I felt like I needed someone to bring me happiness.

I think that you have to exude positivity, that doesn't always mean that you're not going attract the wrong people maybe they want something that you have, Lucky Jim mentioned boundaries you have to set boundaries on yourself with what you will accept maybe if you meet some people that may alarm you you can always give them a chance and let them into your world and see how they do. If you feel like they're the wrong person for you change your boundary again.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Mustbeabetterway
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 633


« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2018, 07:59:04 PM »

Hi Zachira,

This is very timely for me.  I have recently been thinking about this a lot.

Healthy people are attractive to other healthy people.  As has been said before, encountering some of the behaviors that many of us tolerated would have sent healthier people running for the hills.  I think that having good boundaries, as Lucky Jim said, and good self care, as Mutt said, are part of healing from within as opposed to looking to things outside of us to make us feel better.  Congratulations to you, Mutt, for making healthy choices.  You are inspirational.  Having good boundaries and taking care of ourselves make us less susceptible to having needy, unhealthy people central in our lives.

I have been trying to acknowledge the pain that is inside of me instead of pushing it down where it continues to take up space inside of me.  There are a lot of losses that I need to grieve so I can continue on my healing journey.

Despite being successful in areas of my life, I can still be anxious and insecure  about friendships.  I have had to look at the way I interact and feel about others.  Trying to root out any unhealthy habits.  It has been helpful.  As a matter of fact, since being open to having more friendships, I have been invited to do things with friends quite often.  I think I am healthier and more open to friends.


When unhealthy people are attracted to you, having done the work to be your best support, you will be able to stay true to yourself.  If they are not getting what they want from you - drama, support for unhealthy behaviors, etc.  they will move along.

Good topic, Zachira.
Logged
spacecadet
formerly Wisedup22
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 136



« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2018, 07:24:14 AM »

I don't think there's an instant way, sometimes we see right away that someone's unhealthy, e.g. they tell us their dx  If someone has social polish it can take a few months. Best we can do is pay attention, keep our boundaries, communicate clearly, and if we're so inclined, not become intimate immediately. Also not become exclusive too soon or without having a conversation in which both people spell out their preferences.

All easier said than done  Smiling (click to insert in post) but saves heartache down the road.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2018, 10:52:57 AM »

If someone has social polish it can take a few months.

It can take awhile to detect some people I think that raising your self awareness helps so that you have a greater ability to detect what’s going on around you, picking upon the small things that you might otherwise overlook, what’s being said between the lines, how some acts or don’t react communicates something.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!