Met this girl at a party, need advice asap

[CryWolf]

hey guys so I went to this party, which I will post about in a different post. i was there enjoying myself. and then met this girl.

we chatted for a while before I left and we absolutely clicked. I was sobering up, and she just started drinking. we exchanged instagrams, but she told me she doesnt really use it. then she asked for my snapchat and how we should meet up and get drinks. I gave her my snapchat after she asked for it, but I got home and i checked my phone and her adding me didnt register. but she did add me on instagram. she told me she keeps her instagram private so im not sure if she will accept my follow.

here is the dilemma.

I told her I would message her on snapchat to see if she made it home safe, but she forgot to click the add button on snapchat when she looked my name up because she was a bit buzzed on alcohol.

I can

1)find her facebook ( which I did) by the name she has on her instagram and say something like "hey sorry if this is awkward but our snapchats didnt add, and I wanted to check if your uber got you home safe! We met at the party in case you forgot "
 or something light hearted
or

2) see if she follows me back on instagram in a long shot which she only follows 1 person on there and she only has 2 posts on there and the account is private.

[Forearmed]

I'd keep it really simple as she has somehow managed not to link two communication attempts.

In her fb inbox it would be : ' Hi ... .snapchat didn't add, . Hope you got home safely.x'

Que sera... .

[CryWolf]

Soo. I typed in a part of her name on my friends search on Snapchat and half of her name popped up in a username and I’m assuming it’s her cuz idk anyone with that username in my friends . So she took my phone and added herself.I did message her on snap and luckily didn’t on Facebook yet. Good things come to those who wait I think

She just messaged me back.

Being patient and waiting is always the right move and letting things flow

[pearlsw]

Hi CryWolf,

Yes, good to take things as they come! Interesting window into modern dating here! Yikes! Ya'll get linked up all over the place and then it can get tough later as you cut each other back out of such spaces.

What do you like about her so far? What are you looking for, big picture, relationship-wise?

take care, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Hi CryWolf,

Yes, good to take things as they come! Interesting window into modern dating here! Yikes! Ya'll get linked up all over the place and then it can get tough later as you cut each other back out of such spaces.

What do you like about her so far? What are you looking for, big picture, relationship-wise?

take care, pearl.

Big picture I'd like to date her and have a possible relationship. I met her at the party last night. A bunch of guys were hitting on her, and I just asked her about her pineapple cup and if it was associated with spongebob . Then we chatted, some guy came and tried having her take shots. And i asked this guy next to me, 'is that her bf?" and he said "i dont know" and I said, "i think he got insecure and pulled her away" and he started laughing . And then she came back to me, and we chatted, flirted. she followed me on her instagram, and then took my phone and followed herself on her snapchat. she told me about this bar, and if ive ever been and i said no, but how we should go together. and she said definetly. we have been talking today here and there about music tastes.

Last night, after she got my info, she went with her friends. then we bumped into each other again, and hung out alone for a while. talked about school, careers, random things. it was really fun. She was flirting back, i was flirting. she had to use the bathroom and i told her how the door didnt lock, but ill protect the door so no one comes in. I held her drinks for her while she used the restroom. it was a house party. then after a while I said goodbye, and we had a semi long hug.

I felt butterflies. .

id like to ask her on a date and get to know more about her in person, but im not sure how. i dont want to come off strong. and i think i might be overthinking a bit too.

Last night, I wasnt even expecting to meet any girls or "get numbers" i honestly was going to guys and having convos and being social. then this girl came out of nowhere. shows me interest, and yea.

[CryWolf]

WE Talked over Snapchat until 3am last night. I resumed the convo this morning. She forgot what we were talking about because Snapchat erases the messages and I jokingly said how she wanted to go to a bar with me this week (bar she’s mentioned when I met her) and she said yes she wants to but she lost her license and they sent it to the wrongs adress so she’s wIting for a new one. I told her we can do dinner instead and she asked for my availability. Then she said “ I work an working those nights :/“

Is she blowing me off? Or am I overthinking?

I responded with “lame, what days are you free?”

I hope I’m not coming off strong. What do you guys think? I don’t want to distance myself like I did with the past 2 girls or come off strong. Plus she’s seems interested to talk to me

My friend told me, “move on, she’s not interested” and I think she said this because she may have some underlying feelings for me but she has a bf and I’m too convenient to listen to her when I’m single. Just a speculation on my part.

[Insom]

Hi, CryWolf!

I felt butterflies. .

id like to ask her on a date and get to know more about her in person, but im not sure how. i dont want to come off strong. and i think i might be overthinking a bit too.

Aw!  I hear you asked her out and that you're waiting for a reply.  It's normal to feel anxious after putting yourself out there.  Give her some time to respond back.

Also, I'm with pearlsw on this:

Yikes! Ya'll get linked up all over the place and then it can get tough later as you cut each other back out of such spaces.

How are you doing today?

[CryWolf]

Hey Insom! I feel nervous, I did ask her out, above your post, and just waiting now. Anxious and nervous. Only seen her once but we clicked in that moment and it was great. And I know it wasn’t the alcohol because I was almost sober and she’s just started drinking but barely.

I’m just waiting on a reply from her and see her schedule. I don’t want her to think I can’t take no for an answer or come off strong. If our schedules don’t work I know a tacl place that’s open til 2am that id  like to suggest but so far she seems easygoing. She doesn’t seem cold or bored.

I’m just nervous and excited and anxious. It’s a strange feeling to have over someone I only seen once.

[juju2]

Its okay Cry.  You are getting back into the stteam of life, cut yourself some slack.

It will be o.k.  go with your gut.  It takes courage to get out there.  Bravo!

[CryWolf]

Its okay Cry.  You are getting back into the stteam of life, cut yourself some slack.

It will be o.k.  go with your gut.  It takes courage to get out there.  Bravo!

Thank you so much Juju 

She replied to me a while ago.

She said, "saturday will work, just depends when i get off from work"

and I said "Lets do saturday, I know a pretty good taco spot thats open pretty late"


I guess Im scared of preventing things from going south again. I am going with the flow, and being myself. I stop myself from over reaching, and wait on her.

just anxious in-between

[juju2]

Yay!  Have fun  :0)

[CryWolf]

She told me how she might get off at 1am and I told her that’s fine with me and I’m a night owl .

But I don’t want her to think we’rekinda forcing dinner at 1am. Like I don’t want her to be tired or uncomfortable after a long day at work. Should I reschedule? I’m just working a lot more now so it’s difficult making plans and I was unavaible with the last girl that I don’t want to do it with this one.

[CryWolf]

She’s showing me interest, she messages me back like she is interested and doesn’t wait until forever and give me a dry response. She even told me when she gets off work and is open to meeting at 1am for dinner/drinks.

I want things to go smooth and as perfect as can be. I want to make her comfortable and enjoy herself and get more dates with her. I am thinking long term when I should think short term. I’m not good at this dating stuff but I’m learning.

I gave up meeting girls or even dating and focus on myself. Then a couple days later, I went to a party I didn’t know I was going until an hour before and invited to last second by people I just met. Then I met her. 2/3 guys hit on her in front of me. And she ended up talking to me for over 30 minutes until the party ended. I even had some guys come to me and high five me while she was in the bathroom but I told them it’s not like that to humble myself in the moment.
She even gave me her phone to put my info in. The other guys got jealous because one of them messaged me and then told me in person they wanted her Info and for me to give it and I said no that’s not right.

We have been talking over Snapchat, I would like to exchange phone numbers soon but with how the new generation is. People are a bit scared to share information and it seems to push them away. She is 21 and I am 24. So there is some gap in age, but not signifant.

I think I’m going to message her my number and say “btw here’s my number”
I don’t know why I am reassessing every move I make. Or every future move.

[Insom]

What is your gut telling you?  When you picture meeting her at 1:00 for tacos, how does that make you feel?  Picture reaching out to amend your plans.  How does that make you feel?

(Don't overthink.  Feel.)

[CryWolf]

What is your gut telling you?  When you picture meeting her at 1:00 for tacos, how does that make you feel?  Picture reaching out to amend your plans.  How does that make you feel?

(Don't overthink.  Feel.)

Tacos close at 2am so I might have to find something new.  but I know some other place or can find somewhere else.
I picture her going home and rushing to get ready, or being tired and having to force herself to go out when she probably wants to rest after work. And if she does get off late I don’t want her so tired that the conversations are dense because she’s tired. Idk I’m overthinking. I haven’t overthought this much since I met my PBPDEx years ago. Lol

If I reschedule, more debates about “how about this day or that day and the I can’t then but how this and then I can’t this” and not finding a solution. It seems that she gets off work late, she’s a server. And I work 9-9 at my Job or 3-9. And the day I do have off she works. So it’s a bit annoying trying to make plans. It was like that with the last girl. We only hung out twice in a month.

I might ask her if she’s free Sunday, but I believe we are playing it by ear right now depending on when she gets off Saturday. I’m sure if Saturday doesn’t work she seems like she will see me another day. Cuz if she wouldn’t she could have just ghosted me/stopped replying by now

The first date is everything. I’ve had good first dates before, but the time andmaking it work leaves me a little window frame

[Insom]

I picture her going home and rushing to get ready, or being tired and having to force herself to go out when she probably wants to rest after work. And if she does get off late I don’t want her so tired that the conversations are dense because she’s tired. Idk I’m overthinking. I haven’t overthought this much since I met my PBPDEx years ago. Lol

Let's try again.  When you picture meeting her at 1:00 for tacos, how does that make you feel?  What you wrote above is how you imagine she might feel. 

If I reschedule, more debates about “how about this day or that day and the I can’t then but how this and then I can’t this” and not finding a solution. It seems that she gets off work late, she’s a server. And I work 9-9 at my Job or 3-9. And the day I do have off she works. So it’s a bit annoying trying to make plans. It was like that with the last girl. We only hung out twice in a month.

 It sounds like the prospect of making new plans feels annoying.  (Good job with this one, by the way, saying what you feel! ) 

[CryWolf]

Meeting her at 1am or anytime of the day makes me feel excited to see her .  But I feel anxious meeting her late because I’ll be too worried how she feels and I don’t like that. It feels kind of rushed

[Insom]

Meeting her at 1am or anytime of the day makes me feel excited to see her

Sweet! 

But I feel anxious meeting her late because I’ll be too worried how she feels and I don’t like that.

I hear you're thinking a lot about her feelings and that worrying about them is making you feel anxious.  Are there other people in your life you can think of that you've had this experience with - trying to predict their feelings and then feeling anxious about getting things right?

Would she have said yes if she didn't want to go?

It feels kind of rushed

Is sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself.  Any way to take some of that pressure off?

[CryWolf]

Sweet! 

I hear you're thinking a lot about her feelings and that worrying about them is making you feel anxious.  Are there other people in your life you can think of that you've had this experience with - trying to predict their feelings and then feeling anxious about getting things right?

Would she have said yes if she didn't want to go?

Is sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself.  Any way to take some of that pressure off?

I used to predict my exBPd feelings. It never really worked out and just made me more anxious. With the other girls after, I took everything at face value instead of over analyzing. I should continue with this. I guess how the last two girls I dated ended with them ghosting me, it has me on alert and anxious. Not good. It has me scared but that’s the art of dating. You never know and it shouldn’t make you afraid.


You’re right she probably wouldn’t have said yes or even told me about the time she got off and said some other day to meet up. I should take this as a sign of interest. I feel pressure because she showed interest in me over other guys so I feel I have to keep my composure or set the bar high and do what I did which was just be myself around her.

I’m not sure how to take the pressure off. I feel pressured by myself and making myself anxious over probably nothing. The more I go with the flow the better things go. The more I just do things, without thinking of the next consequence things turn in my favor. I have to be fine with whatever happens.

What do you suggest?

[lighthouse9]

Hey CryWolf,

I'm late to the party here, but I wanted to say congrats on all of this - how exciting to feel something fun! I've been feeling something intriguing out myself and I must say it is a welcome respite from the pain, anger, and sadness.

I do want to call attention to something and see how you feel about it. You mentioned she doesn't follow anyone on Instagram. Does that concern you at all? One thing I noticed in my STBXw was how she carefully curated her social media, deleted it often, started new profiles or opened old ones, or used her follows and likes as a way to keep control over her image and the people in her life. Now, we all do this to a certain extent - that's social media for you. But, it was on a different level for her. I just wanted to bring it up as maybe an orange flag and see what you think.

Keep us all posted -this is really exciting!

[once removed]

it sounds like things are going pretty well.

she showed pretty clear interest from my viewpoint and you responded.

most people have pretty busy lives, and getting firm on plans without pushing too hard can be tricky.

shes the one that threw out getting together at 1 am. if it works for you, i say go with it.

[CryWolf]

it sounds like things are going pretty well.

she showed pretty clear interest from my viewpoint and you responded.

most people have pretty busy lives, and getting firm on plans without pushing too hard can be tricky.

shes the one that threw out getting together at 1 am. if it works for you, i say go with it.

Yea, it wasn’t a definitive yes but I am free Sunday-Monday so I might offer and say “I’m free Sunday & Monday if any of those days works with your schedule”

Not sure.

[CryWolf]

I do want to call attention to something and see how you feel about it. You mentioned she doesn't follow anyone on Instagram. Does that concern you at all? One thing I noticed in my STBXw was how she carefully curated her social media, deleted it often, started new profiles or opened old ones, or used her follows and likes as a way to keep control over her image and the people in her life. Now, we all do this to a certain extent - that's social media for you. But, it was on a different level for her. I just wanted to bring it up as maybe an orange flag and see what you think.

she told me, she doesnt follow anyone on that instagram. When she followed me on it, I only saw pics of her posting personal things like siblings, or random pics. She doesnt follow anyone on it, or follows. She also keeps that account private to herself. She blocked me on it and unfollowed me on that account. I didnt say anything by it, and she did mention the night before that she doesnt follow with anyone. She does follow me on her public account, however she only has 2 pics, and follows like 50 people and followed by 50. She doesnt seem to care much for social media. She hasnt even posted on snapchat, just talks to me on there. today we both didnt message a lot. I was busy with work. we sent about, three messages back and forth each. I want to keep the attraction high and keep it enticing for when I see her, but I also dont want her to forget me or lose interest. Im in a stuck position.

[CryWolf]

Today she asked me if we can do Sunday because of her time constraint t and I agreed because it would work with my schedule as well.

This whole time I was stressing about asking her and worrying. She asked me, and I said yea, and I said I’ll pick her up at 7. And she said “okay ”

Ugh I’m a sucker for smiley faces. I feel like a teenager lmao.

I was creating problems and anxiety myself.

I stopped talking to my female friend about her because I can tell she is so negative now. I told her how she is only free at 1am, and my friend said “sound she like an excuse, she’s lame and flakey”  after hearing that it put me in anxiety all day. Put my friend is a negative person, she’s had dreams about me before. And she is in a relationship with someone she met 6 months beforehand he got deployed overseas. He doesn’t let her hang out with guys and she has to justify hanging out with me if a group is Involved. I need to be weary of who to talk to.

[Insom]

Oh, good!  I'm glad this worked itself out.  I'm with om, it sounds like things are going well.

I stopped talking to my female friend about her because I can tell she is so negative now. I told her how she is only free at 1am, and my friend said “sound she like an excuse, she’s lame and flakey”  after hearing that it put me in anxiety all day. Put my friend is a negative person, she’s had dreams about me before. And she is in a relationship with someone she met 6 months beforehand he got deployed overseas. He doesn’t let her hang out with guys and she has to justify hanging out with me if a group is Involved. I need to be weary of who to talk to.

Great observation, CryWolf!     And congrats on setting this limit.

It's normal to feel excited and nervous, maybe even anxious, when you've met someone you like so take this next bit for what it's worth.  I can relate very much to this mix of feelings you've described - feeling highly attuned to and concerned about another person's feelings while at the same time feeling a little out of control - desiring more control.  While I don't experience this in all my relationships, it does come up for me in very certain situations with particular people.  This article about Codependency and Codependent Relationships has helped me understand more what may be going on.

[once removed]

probably reading too much in, but so far i hear a good, clear communicator, who is interested and consistent, but not enmeshed.

I was creating problems and anxiety myself.

some of this is normal. those early stages can be really vulnerable, we worry about what to say and do, and getting it right. i tend to take it pretty far though, and when ive found myself there, its usually been a sign to me, not to abandon the relationship or drop the courting or anything like that, but to try, as im able, to put my mind elsewhere... .the worrying just leads to more worrying. counteracting/fighting my thoughts doesnt help much either, but having a lot going on can help keep me from being over invested, helps me to relax to focus on other things.

[CryWolf]

Thank you guys for your responses.

Our date is Sunday. We haven’t talked since we set the date and I got her phone number.

What I have planned for Sunday is:

Dinner at this new Japanese restaurant, then either we go get drinks
or I take her to this famous neon sign that’s in the city after we have dinner and talk. The reason for this is because we talked about photography and art when we met. I want her to be like “oh wow he remembered” but I don’t want to overcompensate idk.

I’m not sure if this doing too much way too early? What are your thoughts?

[Insom]

I’m not sure if this doing too much way too early? What are your thoughts?

What are you thinking/feeling, Crywolf?  First date in a relationship?  Just having fun? 

[once removed]

What I have planned for Sunday is:

Dinner at this new Japanese restaurant, then either we go get drinks
or I take her to this famous neon sign that’s in the city after we have dinner and talk. The reason for this is because we talked about photography and art when we met.  What are your thoughts?

i think it sounds pretty romantic and fun!

[CryWolf]

DAte is tomorrow night. I am soo nervous and excited. Texted her just now for her address.

Cleaned out my car, detailed it. I got a nice haircut and outfits... I haven’t been this excited in a while.