A choice to make: report ex's stalkerish behavior or not?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,

For quite some time I've been reading many many threads and posts of people on here. I was here for a reason, the same we all have: having been or still be involved with a pwBPD traids and how to move forward after. I wanted to write, but as I read and read I found so many things already said by others that I didn't want to start another same heartache thread. My story is similar and yet again certain  aspect are not and the current situation made me start to write here after all. I've always found the shown support on here heartwarming and compassionate and reading up on similar ( and even worse-off) member's their stories gave me similar support as was given to the writers of the threads themselves, for which I thank all those that contribute on here.

I've now come to a point of decision making in a rather unpleasant situation . I'll briefly picture the current situation and some background. Correlates not only to the detachment I'm going through ( and therefor posting here) but also after advice I'd like in regards to what your thoughts are, maybe from own experience. I realise it is workplace based related in a part, which I will sort out with the higher layers here at work in due time. But first wanted to raise the issue here, to get some input from the people that have experience in the BPD interaction field so to speak

Brief summary: had an affair with a woman at work, undiagnosed BPD but many traids and she and I have once briefly touched the " could I be borderline?"  after she herself at some point raised that question.
We were involved with eachother for about 2 years, from which likely the last 18 months (!) in a nonconstructive ( isn't it always?) , can't make it can't break it kind of situation. I finally wrote her a letter to end it and to let eachother go in a peacefull way, which she took well and she left on a already planned multi-week trip overseas. The timing of the final " breakup" was no coincidence, since it would be the only way we'd no longer be having contact to help with the detachment for both of us. There has been no contact now for nearly 5 weeks and I'm confident this will remain so on both parts, at least for the time she will.be overseas. I'll be writing about detachment issues some other time, for now it is rather peaceful and I'm working on healing. We both are in our own ways.

The issue is this: I recently found out she accessed my medical records; unauthorised, without my knowledge or consent. We're both working in healthcare and this is a huge breach in the code of conduct in regards to accessing confidential information. It is a medico-legal issue in fact.
Now, I have this problem. Due to the extremely intrusive nature of this action, I feel I need to raise the issue with management. However, I was happy with the no contact and work together as a strictly colleagues when she'd be back from trip. I feel this is no longer possible becsuse of her action. Raising the issue will come with consequences, not in the least in regards to her current employment as well as possibly her registration with the professional registration body. This could impact her current and future career in healthcare. She accessed the medical record 10 days before she was leaving on her trip, a time we had minimal contact but there was slot of tension due to the leave. It makes me feel there is some stalker behaviour in there, which is likely because she never knew where I lived but now most likely does because my address is there in the records. She's never referred to any of it but that's because she likely knows what she accessed was strictly confidential and she was in no right to access it.

Raising the issue with management and the possible consequences will only again 'connected' me with her.
Not raising the issue goes against my personal and professional believes,  let alone the feeling unsafe in what she will do next. Come round to my house?  She is the more timid type of the traids but rash decisions have been frequent and persistent I think throughout her life.  Part 2 will follow below

[Roler]

Hi everyone,

For quite some time I've been reading many many threads and posts of people on here. I was here for a reason, the same we all have: having been or still be involved with a pwBPD traids and how to move forward after. I wanted to write, but as I read and read I found so many things already said by others that I didn't want to start another same heartache thread. My story is similar and yet again certain  aspect are not and the current situation made me start to write here after all. I've always found the shown support on here heartwarming and compassionate and reading up on similar ( and even worse-off) member's their stories gave me similar support as was given to the writers of the threads themselves, for which I thank all those that contribute on here.

I've now come to a point of decision making in a rather unpleasant situation . I'll briefly picture the current situation and some background. Correlates not only to the detachment I'm going through ( and therefor posting here) but also after advice I'd like in regards to what your thoughts are, maybe from own experience. I realise it is workplace based related in a part, which I will sort out with the higher layers here at work in due time. But first wanted to raise the issue here, to get some input from the people that have experience in the BPD interaction field so to speak

Brief summary: had an affair with a woman at work, undiagnosed BPD but many traids and she and I have once briefly touched the " could I be borderline?"  after she herself at some point raised that question.
We were involved with eachother for about 2 years, from which likely the last 18 months (!) in a nonconstructive ( isn't it always?) , can't make it can't break it kind of situation. I finally wrote her a letter to end it and to let eachother go in a peacefull way, which she took well and she left on a already planned multi-week trip overseas. The timing of the final " breakup" was no coincidence, since it would be the only way we'd no longer be having contact to help with the detachment for both of us. There has been no contact now for nearly 5 weeks and I'm confident this will remain so on both parts, at least for the time she will.be overseas. I'll be writing about detachment issues some other time, for now it is rather peaceful and I'm working on healing. We both are in our own ways.

The issue is this: I recently found out she accessed my medical records; unauthorised, without my knowledge or consent. We're both working in healthcare and this is a huge breach in the code of conduct in regards to accessing confidential information. It is a medico-legal issue in fact.
Now, I have this problem. Due to the extremely intrusive nature of this action, I feel I need to raise the issue with management. However, I was happy with the no contact and work together as a strictly colleagues when she'd be back from trip. I feel this is no longer possible becsuse of her action. Raising the issue will come with consequences, not in the least in regards to her current employment as well as possibly her registration with the professional registration body. This could impact her current and future career in healthcare. She accessed the medical record 10 days before she was leaving on her trip, a time we had minimal contact but there was slot of tension due to the leave. It makes me feel there is some stalker behaviour in there, which is likely because she never knew where I lived but now most likely does because my address is there in the records. She's never referred to any of it but that's because she likely knows what she accessed was strictly confidential and she was in no right to access it.

Raising the issue with management and the possible consequences will only again 'connected' me with her.
Not raising the issue goes against my personal and professional believes,  let alone the feeling unsafe in what she will do next. Come round to my house?  She is the more timid type of the traids but rash decisions have been frequent and persistent I think throughout her life.  Part 2 will follow below

[Roler]

She has stated before that she was able to detach from others quickly but not with me. Likely because we were never in a 'real' one-on-one relation. I think we both have realised this was a dead end road and I think her being on this trip is her way of detaching. I'm fine with that, it's what she always has done and we are both going our own ways now I hope. I dont expect her ( for as far anything is predictable) to revenge on me, other than probably rebound relations etc, as she will have most likely already done. Im not focussing on that part of the story for now.

At this point she will not be back for a few weeks and I'm not sure how things will be between us when  she will return to the workfloor.( IF she returns at all, given the several job and carreer changes she chose in the past). I got good hopes we both will have detached enough to continue a workplace based progessional contact if it wasn't for this incident.

I am not after ruining her career in healthcare, which could be a consequence of rasing the issue with management. And I definately don't want to elict some rash actions on her side which could invade  my privacy and home or anywhere else even more. I've reached some tiny bit of peace for now in the detachment process.  But I feel what she did, I can not let go unattended.  From a personal and professional point of view. Unfortunately it will have likely effects in a privacy/personal kind of way that I'd like to avoid at all costs if possible.

So there is my issue.
Medico-legal advice I'll get on this, but Im writing here to get some input from the members and their thoughts in this. I want to leave our affair behind and I think so does she. I have no idea if raising the issue of the breach will elict revenge actions from her side. She surely was cabable of doing some absolute 'wrath'  actions in the past with her partner(s) when she felt mistreated from what she told me. With the emotions of love and dislike at the mids of our affaire being full blown, she could have definitely done  so similar with me but never did ( she just 'cheated' with others but since this was an affair, there were no rules, right?) Thats what makes me weary about whatever she might  pull out of her sleeve in reaction. It wont be the first time a personality likes hers is capable of turning the table in no time towards the' accuser'... .albeit that her unauthorized access can be proven beyond any doubt. I am bound to this workplace for another 18 months at least due to finishing trainings etc. So leaving is not an option for me atm.

  I apologise if this is a somewhat shortcut and uncommon post but I feel in a way quite connected to the members here due to their experience with actions/ reactions of people with the BPD traids.

Thank you for your thoughts
Please ask anything, I didn't want to write it all up since it would be 3 pages long otherwisef

 

[Roler]

(Omg I see now how long the posts were. My apologies)

[Cromwell]

Hi Roler and welcome

No need to apologise for the length of your post.

I see this as a judgement call, having to weigh up your personal and professional standards against the risk of this causing her to create problems for you.

I cant see any way that your making this complaint, wont have that effect. You know enough about her history to see that she can be vengeful, at least this matches up a lot with my experience.

I really feel this is just one of these times you have to look at the big picture, let it go, let it slide. You cant "undo" the fact she has already accessed it either way.

Discovering that she is the type of person to do this, let it just be that extra bit of confirmation that it is the kind of person you were entirely right about shutting out of your life and you also dont know what else she would be capable of and dont want to provoke any situation to have to find out - and create new issues to deal with - at the same time creating a link via litigation basically. Usually this is something that happens in reverse from what ive come across. It keeps the "relationship" going, even if it is one built around antagonism, it is usurping your intended goal of NC.

[EdR]

I agree with Cromwell. Reporting her does not erase your medical history from her memory, but will only hurt her in her career.

Because of the emotions involved this will quickly get even more ugly and in your worst case scenario would create some kind of trauma bond.

[pearlsw]

Hi Roler,

Oh my! Your dilemma gave me the chills! It is indeed scary to know someone who is capable of revenge, especially revenge in your workplace.

If you do report does it have to be within a certain window of time? I imagine if you report her she may find a way to hurt you, the size of her response could be large, and her willingness to get revenge could go on for a long time. I know of a woman whose friends, and herself, would keep going after my friend for years over a breakup. He was a real wreck over it and almost left his profession out of fear of her/them.

What do you think she might do with your current address? Would she try to damage your relationship with your non affair partner?

take care, pearl

[Forearmed]

If there has been no further contact / repercussions over your break -up (bearing in mind what you say about her past -partner vengeful actions) I'd leave it well alone. If she makes a vindictive move re: your records that's another matter entirely of course.

But initially? No point 'guaranteeing' her totally losing it (by her losing her whole career) IMO... .

[once removed]

I recently found out she accessed my medical records; unauthorised, without my knowledge or consent.

howd you find out? what tipped you off?

[Roler]

Thank you all for your responses, they are much appreciated .
I found out because our result have a view history, which electronically documents who has viewed results and when. There is no timeframe in the reporting of a breach although it would be most relevant the sooner it happened.
Her vengeful action was over 10 years ago in a time she was a lot 'wilder'. Although this indicated she wpuld be capable of such things, I would describe her now as a much more timid type... .with wild flair-ups. When the affair was going on she was always afraid people wpuld find out and she has had people at work asking her about us. Nobody ever came to me and although I wished they had asked me, they usually asked her about it. Which I can imagine she must have felt as blaming her. I feel bad about that happening, after all it was me as well being in the affair.
I don't think that she will want to damage my partner (wife) as such or damage our relation. She is actually anxious about being confronted with my wife I guess and has said that she could take it when I'd reconcile with her because that's how she knew me after all: married with her. Being with someone else other than my wife if I break up the affair, she said that would be a lot more difficult for her as she stated that would make her think: that could have been me.
I just feel the urge to let her know that I know she accessed confidential information. I could cause damage and so cpuld she. I'd be the one to predict if she could but really it's unpredictable. I'm not even sure if I HAVE to report this from a legal point of view or not. I guess if I had to but not want to, I need to act as if I never found out... . 

[Skip]

I don't think that she will want to damage my partner (wife) as such or damage our relation. She is actually anxious about being confronted with my wife I guess and has said that she could take it when I'd reconcile with her because that's how she knew me after all: married with her.

I can't imagine how violated you feel. Is there anything in the record that is particularity, concerning?

As far as reporting her, an attorney would tell you that you need to make the decision assuming that she will drag your wife into and disclose the affair to your employer.

If you knew for sure that she would do this, would you report her?

[Roler]

I can't imagine how violated you feel. Is there anything in the record that is particularity, concerning?

As far as reporting her, an attorney would tell you that you need to make the decision assuming that she will drag your wife into and disclose the affair to your employer.

If you knew for sure that she would do this, would you report her?

She (ex affair partner) would not like  anything to be even more disclosed about the affair than has already been done as part of the departmental gossip. I think her manager already had some idea and has been aware of the gossip. It's a hospital, gossip isn't less than any other workplaces where men and women work closely together. Probably even more subject to gossip than anywhere else I'd say.

Ex affair partner ( what a word) has suffered from several people confronting her or asking her about it over the months. I feel they should have come to me instead but they never did. She is younger than me

[Roler]

Liaised with the medico-legal people. There is no obligation to notify. So its really up to me to decide. I've drafted a response in the matter for them to tell me if it is too strong to send. I'll keep you posted.

[Forearmed]

Liaised with the medico-legal people. There is no obligation to notify. So its really up to me to decide. I've drafted a response in the matter for them to tell me if it is too strong to send. I'll keep you posted.

It seem clear to me. If you punish her - from your words - there is a high chance she will do whatever she feels if her career is ruined. If you don't... .it appears more likely she goes away.

The impression i get is you still want to take that gamble. I'm not sure why, if hassle is the last thing you need?  

[EdR]

It seem clear to me. If you punish her - from your words - there is a high chance she will do whatever she feels if her career is ruined. If you don't... .it appears more likely she goes away.

The impression i get is you still want to take that gamble. I'm not sure why, if hassle is the last thing you need?  

I feel the same way. You will create some kind of trauma bond. And that's not something you would like imho.

[Skip]

Liaised with the medico-legal people. There is no obligation to notify. So its really up to me to decide. I've drafted a response in the matter for them to tell me if it is too strong to send. I'll keep you posted.

Care to share?

There has been no contact now for nearly 5 weeks and I'm confident this will remain so on both parts, at least for the time she will.be overseas. I'll be writing about detachment issues some other time, for now it is rather peaceful and I'm working on healing. We both are in our own ways.

You are just out of this thing... .there is certainly a lot to work through. I hope you will take the time and work with all of us who are recovering and putting our lives on a strong path.  Affairs are a breed of there own and cut a unique path as the bullet passes through.

Hang in there.

Skip

[Cromwell]

Liaised with the medico-legal people. There is no obligation to notify. So its really up to me to decide. I've drafted a response in the matter for them to tell me if it is too strong to send. I'll keep you posted.

Have you done a cost-benefit analysis of how this will likely turn out?

Does it even guarantee that it will ruin her career? Is there sufficient proof?

All she needs to say is that you must have at one point taken her username and password whilst you were together, and now you are bitter for some reason and trying to frame her.

Can you visualise the likelihood of her being taken into the HR office, admitting it all, and saying "ok, ill just grab my coat"

and shes out your life, her career is over, she holds no grudges, or she does but she does nothing at all?

That sounds to me like an ideal outcome, but based on what you know of her (you never expected her to do this) does it seem a realistic outcome?  I wouldnt also just assume that she has "mellowed out" over the years either. Take note of her past behaviour, it is a red flag.

im very sorry for the intrusion into your privacy, I know how it feels,. Best of luck towards a safe outcome.

[Wicker Man]

Roler

As every person is different, people suffering from BPD like traits are all individuals as well -however I believe it is more difficult for someone suffering from BPD traits to accept criticism that other people. 

While you are considering whether or not to confront her give some thought to how she might react.

Since she works in your field she knows violating your privacy was deviant behavior -this may have been an issue of impulse control rather than the beginning of a trend.  My concern would be if you report her it might create a cascade into open conflict. 

My ex undiagnosed BPD lover broke up with me six months ago --after some thought, or perhaps better said a minor breakdown, I agreed with her and we ended our engagement.  We have had literally no contact in six months.

She has refused to accept the demise of out relationship and is still wearing my mother's engagement ring.  I have a lot of respect for her, she has honored our agreement to stay no contact -but she refuses to accept the fact that I am not returning to her. 

I mentions this as parable and a cautionary tale.  It is sometimes extremely difficult for people suffering from BPD to accept the loss of a relationship.  I can only imagine the pain caused by having one's worst fear realized --abandonment.

If you feel compelled to mention this ethical breach to your affair partner I would consider doing so verbally rather than in writing.  This would allow you to observer her reaction during the conversation and see how she accepts the admonishment.  If she starts to get angry or defensive you can mitigate your response and keep the discourse cool.  You do not want to send a letter which causes her to deregulate or begin raging.

I don't know the woman, but if a letter from you was taken in the wrong light she could see her entire career and personal life crashing down around her.  Low self image tends to be a hallmark of BPD.  When in diffuse physiological arousal (fight/ flight) people do not tend to make good decisions.  When this same person may have issues with impulse control even more care should be taken.

Presuming your wife does not know about the affair and the 18 months you have left on this job site you have a lot to lose.


Wicker Man

[Roler]

Thank you all for your responses. I would like to multi-quote things to be able to address your individual questions, but not entirely skilled yet with that, so will do my best to summarise in the below. Again, thank you for your thoughts, I certainly agree with things being raised as concerns or given as advice.

I feel I should fill in a bit more in regards to my past affair, because this thread was started after many weeks of reading up, both on here and in general, working on myself and the detachment, which really has been a process of many many months now past. But yes, the "final" seperation was done 5 weeks ago with NC since. Because we had slowly but surely grew further apart, the "breakup" itself wasnt really a unpredicted event for both of us. Thats why it seemed to have gone without a fight etc. I am FULLY aware that her being on a trip overseas and us not being confronted with eachother since we went our ways, makes it look this went "easy". I have come to learn, both from the experiences from members here as well during my affair, that the real test will be when she has returned from her trip and return to work. So I'm not naive in this matter. It is just very unpredictable. Right now, I lean towards no bringing up of any past issues, but maybe thats just hoping. I for one feel that the past weeks of NC have brought me further away from her than ever before, and I start to have days in which my thoughts about her do not occupy my mind the entire time and Im able to feel a lot less emotions in regards to things she has done, how she hurt me, how I was hurting her, my persistent love (or more "caring for feelings" for her etc. As such I'm starting to feel a smidge of hope in regards to seeing I will eventually be able to leave this all behind me. I am working hard on myself, have a councelor and trying to rebuild my marriage.

To answer a few questions asked:
The proof of her accesing my records  can be demonstrated beyond doubt. No accidental access could have happened, nor could it have been me with her login and password (which I dont have) since at the time of login I was in Sydney, which is hundreds of miles away and no access to hospital system. So I'm not afraid proving her violation will be met with a lot of if's and but's.

Notifying the issue does not immediately ruin her career nor will see her registration being removed from the register. It could however affect it in a way a condition could be placed with her registration.

Wicker Man;  my wife actually knows. She knows of the affair since I told her about one year ago. Its been an extremly difficult and traumatic time since, in which I've seen myself in such a dark place I was ready to give everything up that I had, just for the sake of finding peace. I'll come to write about that time somewhere else without a doubt, but that will be for other threads.

I agree with a lot you said. It will be difficult to predict what and how her response will be and as such I take that into the consideration of course . As I do with so many things in my process of detaching and moving on. This whole issue just came so unexpected, but leaves me with a feeling I NEED to do something with this.

So, as I stand now, after liaising again with the medico-legal side of things, I have decided to inform my ex affair partner about the fact I have become aware of the fact she accessed my personal medical records, how that forms a breach in professional conduct and could as such be notified with the mentioned consequences. I've decided not to notify as this stage. But I want to make it absolutely clear to her she crossed a big line and that if anything was to be done with the gained information, be it my medical info or address details, it will be taken further. I prefer to not have this done  in a conversation (despite my nature to address issues mostly face to face since I find this more helpful and often more effective); reasons include possible emotions involved, not being able to say it as clearly and pressing as I would like to and maybe even unexpected reactions from her in conversation. I just feel safer to put it in writing. I want to send it while she is overseas, so she is aware of the situation that has now changed between us, before she will return to work in a few weeks.

[EdR]

Hi Roler,


I hope that some other members will chime in, but I don't really understand your last paragraph. To me it almost feels like a threat or even a 'hi, please be aware that I could blackmail you now' kinda thing.

You would most probably not mean it in this way, but if I, as a complete outsider, would sense something like this, she, as a pwBPD and your ex affair partner, would probably dysregulate.

So my question here is, what is the goal here?

[Roler]

Hi Roler,


I hope that some other members will chime in, but I don't really understand your last paragraph. To me it almost feels like a threat or even a 'hi, please be aware that I could blackmail you now' kinda thing.

You would most probably not mean it in this way, but if I, as a complete outsider, would sense something like this, she, as a pwBPD and your ex affair partner, would probably dysregulate.

So my question here is, what is the goal here?

I can understand what you say here. I had the same. Thats why I put a draft to the silicitor, with that exact same question : is this threatening or not? Because I knew that would have the possibility to backfire at me.

The wording I am using is not in a threatening way. But it has been advised to make a strong argument in the sense of warning, rather than threatening. Belief me that my first reactions I had in mind right after I found out, would border to threatening!

Your question is legit: what is the goal? I have asked myself as well, what am I trying to achieve or want to get? But Ive tried to explain that in my posts. She knows I am not in the blackmailingpart of things. Ive always been the calm one (dont we think we all are in the relation with a BPD traided person?). THe words I use are pretty safe and not considered to facilitate any repercussions as such. THe message however should be clear. There are different ways to look at it, I agree and see, but that doesnt mean it should not be dealt with I feel. Its for a reason I am liaising with legal folks with knowledge in this issue as well as you with knowledge from the field! I hope you understand; I feel its a matter of protection as such.

[Cromwell]

Hi Roler

If there is a concern that there is something sensitive in your records that you are concerned she will use against you, id like to share from my experience.

My ex got hold of my passwords and went through literally everything. Ive had my same email account since about 2000 and beyond junk email, I never delete anything. It was a huge violation of privacy, there was nothing of a "smoking gun" in there, but when I did go and re-read through, it was the equivalent of a summary of my life the equivalent of reading someone else's diary. With regards to hoping she didnt spread my information around, it came down more to me hinting at her that I know what she had done, but not expressly telling her that I was concerned about it. If your ex gets a hint that you are worried about her divulging information youd rather not, this could be giving her a form of leverage to hold on to. Your trying to stop her talking can have the 'barbara streisand effect" of it leading to her doing exactly what you are worried about, because she knows it will affect you. Remember, you are dealing with an emotional labile person, she wont be thinking things through on a rational, legal, level as much as what she can do is emotion driven.

Normal people dont like going through litigation, and if they have to they want it as a route towards closure, the solution of a problem. My experience on this board shows that BPDs from my perspective can be the opposite, vexatious litigants as a method to keep a relationship continuing. "closure" is the last thing pwBPD wants. unless they have managed to move on to another relationship.

She already knows she has crossed a boundary, if she didnt, she would have told you she had accessed it. She has kept it a secret up until you found out yourself. You didnt expect she would have been capable of this, you similarly have no idea what else she is capable of.

The last thing you want is to induce a confrontation of "shame" in her, it will have zero affect anyway, you will be painted black, she will do anything it takes beyond accepting it, however obvious it is. The more obvious the shame that has to be distorted, the more she will loathe you.

The advice I give on these boards is centred around damage-limitation, not justice. I never got justice, my ex would have been the sort of person who could be locked up for 10 years, still paint me black hold that grudge, tell herself she was wrongfully convicted, and all that would have been achieved was to make a life long enemy with a life long grudge. If your stated goal of NC, healing and moving on with your life this really is one of those moments to realise you are dealing with a disordered person who cannot rationalise to the extent that you are doing. Hopefully besides this issue, she will let the relationship fade away - that is also not a guarantee - if she cant let go as easily as hoped, this accessing your file incident - if she senses that there is good leverage in it, will become her way of keeping it going, she can exploit it and any resulting associated drama for all that its worth.

No one has a crystal ball, but id rather not take that chance if I were in the same position.

[Roler]

Hi Cromwell,

Thank you for the comprehensive reply. I hear what you say. There is nothing in the medical records she could "use" as such, although it was sensitive information. The only thing I can think of she might do with the knowledge, is refering to it if she ever got into an anger situation with me. I think she realises she shouldnt have and what the consequences  can be for her if it was to come out. Im just torn now between the feeling I need to do something about it to limit the effects or even further intrusion of my privacy OR accepting , as you worded so well, that I need to think of it as dealing with a person who is emotionally labile and has the significant potential of reacting in a completely different way than a "normal" person would likely do.

[Wicker Man]

... .my wife actually knows. She knows of the affair since I told her about one year ago. Its been an extremly difficult and traumatic time... .

@Roler

This is off the topic of your thread, but perhaps you may find my point of view helpful.

First and foremost I am sorry you find yourself in such a confusing and painful period in your life.  Personally, I have come to view my affair as a loss of innocence.  It has been horrifically painful for my wife and me --as well as my affair partner.  This has been a year of emotional devastation for everyone within my social sphere.

However, it is possible for an affair to cause a renaissance in a marriage -certainly things cannot and will not every be the same as they were beforehand -such a shock to a marriage causes an 'all stop'.  However, it is, in my opinion, vital to view an affair is a tentpole event in the large context of a troubled marriage.  This exploration has to come after the initial trauma such a discloser causes to our loved one.  This exploration must not be perceived as justification, but rather as a path to greater understanding and possible growth.

I would like to suggest you and your wife have a look at Esther Perel's The 'State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity'  The book has been helpful for us.

Dr. John Gottman's 'Marriage Clinic' is also an interesting and productive view into the dynamics of marriage. 


Wicker Man

[Roler]

( dont want to go offtopic here but Thank you Wicker Man; it was actually my wife that send me Perel's TEDtalk on the exact topic... .

[Roler]

I gave it another night's sleep.
What I could also do, is just inform her that I've become aware she accessed my medical records and leave it with that to see her ( if any) response to that. I'll be seeing my councelor tomorrow and will exchange thoughts on this with him as well.

Thoughts?

[Wicker Man]

I've become aware she accessed my medical records and leave it

Personally, I have never been a fan of adding energy into a deviant system.  Over correction can be worse than no correction. 

Of course, speak with your therapist -but she knows she did something wrong, I am not certain of there being a benefit to her knowing you know. 

Perhaps it might be valuable to feign ignorance and see if she does it again -setting a trend.

Best of luck.

Wicker Man

[Cromwell]

If you really feel compelled to ask (which I dont advise) I would do it face to face and not via email. Id also do it from a non confrontational/accusatory way like I did with my ex in relation to my phone. Id insert it mid way into the conversation about other unrelated matters and just say "oh, I was meaning to say, I noticed something strange - it was showing your login for my file" (or however best you would word this). the point being, give her the opportunity to either lie about it or come clean with maybe her own reasons for doing so. Id do it with as much an indifference tone as possible, you want to give her the opportunity to talk about it, the mere mention of you discovering this will induce enough of a stress response. Once you get a reaction, just move on with the rest of the conversation. ie, no added pressure, you need to then reflect on it and have always options to follow up from there.

Again, I dont recommend doing it in your case, you know already she accessed it. Shame confrontation if that is the goal will be paradoxical, she might feel it but it will be transient. It is an understatement to say she wont like the person who forces her to have to defence mechanism it away.

[Wicker Man]

I catagorically agree with Cromwell.  What is more a letter can be studied ad absurdism by someone who is obsessive and interpreted in any manner of fashion. 

In dysregulation ‘hi’ could be interpreted as an invitation to a knockdown drag out fight. 

Do not add energy to a system you wish to extinguish.

Wicker Man

[Roler]

Thank you both for your words. They don't fall on deaf ears. From a leaving it behind point of view I realise this would be the better option. Take my ego ( if there is any), professional ethos, privacy breach and urge to address for a loss and move on to healthier grounds. But I struggle. I realise there are people along you that have a lot, a lot of experience with the BPD traids interaction in regards to action-reation. I need to keep telling myself I'm not dealing with an emotionally stable person on the other end. I dont want to harm her further than she already is doing herself. It is hard sometimes to realise she is not me, despite the way we were thinking alike and feeling alike it seems. It's days like this that detachment is yet again challenged. Maybe I should adhere to the " do no future harm". And take any loss as an opportunity to move on and become more detached. But man, I struggle with this issue.

[Wicker Man]

It is hard sometimes to realise she is not me... .

Personality disorders are a pervasive world view.  I am not a mental health care professional and my opinions are based on very limited anecdotal evidence --however, I believe it safe to assume the two of you had very different views of your relationship.  It is equally as likely the two of you may have very different views of the termination of your relationship. --Fear of abandonment seems to be a hallmark of BPD.

I struggle with this issue.

I am wondering if the issue you refer to is detaching from her or her professional transgression? 

Personally processing the loss of my lover has been diabolically difficult.  Intellectually I know I did the right thing in leaving her, emotionally I have a lot to work through.

I am projecting here, but make sure of your motivation.  Are you on some level still craving interaction with her or is this simply about her transgression? 

Forgive me if I am completely off base, but reading your post brought this question to mind.


Wicker Man