My Mother has BPD and I don’t know how to help her

[Santoshagirl]

Hello All,

I’m almost certain that my mother suffers from BPD after having done research on all of the signs and symptoms her behavior checks off all ofthe boxes. She has been a single parent since I was 4 years old and I am her only child. Our life together has gone through many ups and downs but fortunately she has always tried her best to give me life opportunities and support my life goals.

On the flip side she has been mentally and emotionally abusive and has taken advantage of family members, and myself when it comes to money. She has extreme spending habits that have more recently started to drastically impact me personally including convincing me to use my credit card on purchases.

Recently she has lost her job  (one of very many throughout the years) and is now seeking to start her own yoga business that she quite frankly does not have the money for. I’m watching her throw money away and I do not know how to help her. I just graduated college and am beginning to work on becoming financially independent as quickly as possible, but I can’t help but feeling this time that she has lost her job will put her in a very financially vurnerable position.

I have tried to go to counseling with her and she is receptive at times but she immediately cut off the conversation when the psychologist suggested seeing a psychaiatrist for further evaluation. She dominates the counseling sessions with drawn out stories about her life hardships and often portrays her self as a victim and refuses to take responsibility when she sees her friendships and work relationships fall apart.

How can I help my mother to seek help and recognize that she is suffering from an illness? I’m very concerned about her future stability  and happiness as I am the only family she has that is willing to help and communicate with her but I am getting to a breaking point because I want to start my own life as a young adult and she can be very emotionally and mentally abusive to me. I love her more than anyone in the world and who she is at heart is a loving good person but her behavior is hurting herself and our mother-daughter relationship.

Any and all advice is appreciated.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Santoshagirl, 

Thank you for sharing your first post with us and filling us in on the situation you are in right now. I can tell you have a lot of love and concern for your mom.  That's awesome. 

At the same time you are able to see things that are unhealthy in her behavior and choices. If you take a step back and think of your mom not as your mom but your best friend's mom who just happens to be in a similar situation, what advice would you share with her? I have found it to be helpful for myself if I can do this. What do you think?

 
Wools

[Santoshagirl]

Thank you for your thoughtful response Woolspinner2000.

I think that If my friend was in the same situation as me I would tell them that they need to focus on their own wellbeing so that they can keep themselves healthy and happy and stable. That might look like creating healthy boundaries and creating some distance in the relationship.

I have tried to do this in many ways including living with a friend for the rest of the summer before I move even farther away to Germany.

I guess what I'm having the most trouble with is reconciling the fact that the distance I need to take for myself only hurts my mother more. Mainly because she can't see that I'm doing it FOR us not to "sabotage the relationship" which is how she often refers to me creating distance.

I actually spoke with her the other day before my move and addressed a lot of my concerns with her and (and maybe this wasn't the right thing to do) told her in a very loving way that I thought she was suffering from BPD.

She has reached out to a therapist that she has seen before expressing both of our concerns, but now she is trying to use that as a way to bring me back home and it become a manipulation tool. Like " If you don't come back home to come to therapy with me your the reason why our relationship isn't working". It's a never ending cycle.

[Harri]

Hi.  Let me join with Wools in saying Welcome to the board!

Your situation is difficult.  I understand that you love her and want to help but you also need to take care of yourself. 

She has reached out to a therapist that she has seen before expressing both of our concerns, but now she is trying to use that as a way to bring me back home and it become a manipulation tool. Like " If you don't come back home to come to therapy with me your the reason why our relationship isn't working". It's a never ending cycle.

Yes, if she is viewing you moving as abandonment, she is going to try to get you to stay and direct blame your way.  Unfortunately that is part of the disorder. 

Have you set boundaries with her before?  Are you comfortable with doing that?  What was her response?  Did she try to push back even harder? 

Sorry for all the questions.  Just trying to figure out how we can help you develop a strategy and cope with any push back she will give you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Santohagirl, 

Thank you for answering my questions. I like this new thought you posted:

I guess what I'm having the most trouble with is reconciling the fact that the distance I need to take for myself only hurts my mother more. 

So many of my early thoughts as I began to explore how to heal from BPD were just like yours. Matter of fact, even though my uBPDm is now deceased, the Lord only knows how many of my thoughts towards the rest of the world are STILL directed to this thought pattern! 

It is far to "normal" to continue to blame ourselves for the reaction of others. Do you feel responsible for your mom's sadness and pain? It's a tricky thing to even consider that perhaps you may not be responsible.

 
Wools

[Sad4Her]

Hi Santoshagirl,

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, as we all do here. I truly understand your pain and at 46 yrs old am just finding ways to live my life and be happy. I feel your same way. I love my mom more than life itself but I've lived this life for so long now that it has mad me hate her at the same time. I commend you for reaching out and seeking help at a young age. I wish I was stronger at that age and would have gotten help then. Hang in there. Unfortunately, we can't force them to get help and it is NOT your responsibility to get her to get help. Don't let her manipulate you with promises of getting help to get you home. My mom promised me she would get help if I let her stay in my home last year when I first asked her to leave. She pretended to search for a therapist , then never went. I let her manipulate me and here I am a year later and getting her out on not pleasant terms and I'm stressed to the max. I get so mad at myself for allowing her to do that to me. You are on the right track getting help now. You can do therapy on your own and learn how to stay strong and set those boundaries that you want. I have learned about myself that I have to let go of my image of my mom that I saw as a child. I see the woman who loves and hugs me and held my hand, even though she did all the wrong things too, back then. That's where my guilt and sadness comes from. When I start feeling that way, I tell myself, "She is NOT that woman anymore. She is this adult in front of you, making your life a nightmare." It's not the cure all but it does help me. I wish you the best and hope you continue to share your story. We can all stay strong with each other's support.

[Panda39]

Hi Santohagirl,

I'd like to join Wools & Harri & Sad4Her and say Welcome!  

She has reached out to a therapist that she has seen before expressing both of our concerns, but now she is trying to use that as a way to bring me back home and it become a manipulation tool. Like " If you don't come back home to come to therapy with me your the reason why our relationship isn't working".

One of the things that has helped me deal with my significant other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife, is understanding the dynamics going on behind the scenes.  I just wanted to point out the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail going on.  Creating Fear that your relationship will fail if you don't do what she wants you to do.  Obligation to participate because she is your mother and because you yourself have asked to do therapy together in the past.  Guilt if you don't come home and work on things.  You are correct "it became a manipulation tool". This isn't about going to therapy to help herself or help your relationship.  If she wanted to do that and was motivated to do that she would have done it already.  

It is her fear of abandonment which is at the core of BPD.  Nothing you do will assuage this fear.  Who do we control?  Can you make your mother do something she doesn't want to do? No, the only person you can control here is you.  You cannot change the way your mother "feels" her feelings are hers and hers to manage.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Don't be surprised if she doesn't up the pressure as you get closer to moving.  It's kind of like a little kid not getting something they want and having a temper tantrum.  

I also want to say that you growing up and moving out and having your life is absolutely the thing you should be doing.  These steps are all appropriate final steps into adulthood.  Because of BPD she most likely sees you as an extension of her rather than your own independent person so letting go will be really hard for her... .You might think this is harsh but don't let her stop you... .spread your wings and fly    

When my SO was deciding to leave his uBPDthenwife he was worried she wouldn't be able to take care of herself.  When he told his mom about his concerns, she told him is stbxw was like a cat, that she always landed on her feet and you know what?  She did and so will your mom.

Your mother is an adult, she is responsible for herself, her feelings, her financial situations, her relationships with others etc.  I know she would have you believe that you are responsible for her but you are not.  You as an adult yourself you are responsible only for you.

Panda39

[AoiKoutei]

Welcome Santoshagirl ! 

Congratulations for having graduated college ! You can be very proud of yourself, since graduating while having a mother suffering from BPD can be extremely difficult. I am also finishing my studies and I can relate to how difficult it can be to stay focus and self-confident while dealing with a BPD mother and all the consequential emotional abuses.

Concerning your mother's financial situation, you need to keep in mind that your are not responsible for this. You are the child and she is the parent, not the opposite, even if her behavior tends to reverse your positions. Wanting to live your own life and leaving the family nest is absolutely normal and healthy.
If she wants to improve her financial situation, she is the only one who can do so. She can find another job, she can seek for social allowances... .She is absolutely not hopeless.

It is not your job to take financial care of her. It is even less your job to give her money. If she gets angry, she may tell you "All my life, I have been taking care of you ! I have paid you this, this, this... .How can you be so selfish ? How can you refuse to support me, now that I need you ? ".
But this is a trap. Of course she had to take care of you. You couldn't take care of yourself, it was her job to do so. She was an adult and you were a baby/a kid/a teenager. Now, you are both adults. Now, she can take of herself, and you can (and must) take care of yourself.

It doesn't mean that you shouldn't support her emotionally, congratulate her if she finds a new job etc., like a normal family. But she must remain the main actress of her life. And you must remain the main actress of your own life.

AoiKoutei

[Santoshagirl]

Have you set boundaries with her before?  Are you comfortable with doing that?  What was her response?  Did she try to push back even harder?

 


Hello Harri,

Yes I have tried to set boundaries with her and have set some successfully but as I am only 22 I'm having to set "larger" ones or more firm ones. I'm just now becoming more independent and she has begun to relinquish some of the control at times.

When i have set boundaries and follow through on them ( ie. leaving the conversation or the room when she beings to yell) she will either follow me or continue to call or text me long-winded responses OR  say that we are going to bring it up again later and lets it breath for the moment.

She does however, use it as fuel to say that I do not allow for us to share time and space together to work on our relationship.

[Santoshagirl]

. I see the woman who loves and hugs me and held my hand, even though she did all the wrong things too, back then. That's where my guilt and sadness comes from. When I start feeling that way, I tell myself, "She is NOT that woman anymore. She is this adult in front of you, making your life a nightmare." It's not the cure all but it does help me. I wish you the best and hope you continue to share your story. We can all stay strong with each other's support.

Thank you so much for your support and sharing your story,

I find myself able to rationalize a lot of the mixed feelings I have but it breaks my heart when she does have moments of lucidity and she speaks to me with tears welling in her eyes and throat because I can literally feel and see how bad she is suffering and she has not had an easy life even outside of her illness.

I have an extremely hard time sticking to my resolve when these moments happen because I can see that she is clear in that moment. I know it won't last as it never has but it truly breaks my heart. I don't know how I can ever feel truly ok with separating myself from her entirely. She doesn't understand why I don't stay home for long and she sees me as running away.

[Santoshagirl]

Hi Santohagirl,


":)on't be surprised if she doesn't up the pressure as you get closer to moving.  It's kind of like a little kid not getting something they want and having a temper tantrum.  "

 " Because of BPD she most likely sees you as an extension of her rather than your own independent person so letting go will be really hard for her... .You might think this is harsh but don't let her stop you... .spread your wings and fly    "

When my SO was deciding to leave his uBPDthenwife he was worried she wouldn't be able to take care of herself.  When he told his mom about his concerns, she told him is stbxw was like a cat, that she always landed on her feet and you know what?  She did and so will your mom.

Your mother is an adult, she is responsible for herself, her feelings, her financial situations, her relationships with others etc.  I know she would have you believe that you are responsible for her but you are not.  You as an adult yourself you are responsible only for you.

Panda39

Thank you Panda39

This is completely correct thank you so much for responding to my situation.

She 100% sees me as an extension of herself. She always goes off into this long speal about how she efforts have allowed me to achieve what I have whenever I speak about my future plans or accomplishments. Its extremely frustrating especially when I struggled so hard BECAUSE of her behavior to achieve what i have and then she has to constantly remind me or assert that SHE is the one who allowed for all of that to happen. I try to explain to her that it is of my own merit and yes she helped but that its invalidating and quite frankly innappropriate for her to bring up her whole life story  and take credit when accomplish big things in my life.

She does have a way of always landing on her feet which is odd... .I guess she will always be ok but im extremely concerned for the future when she is older with no home and no retirement plan ... .I'm planning on being financially stable but I feel a lot of pressure to make enough money to support my mother an I in the future... .How can i live knowing that she may be elderly and homeless?  I am her only child and the rest of the family has given up on her a long time ago

She also alwyas throws tantrums whenever I leave to go somewhere... .Since I've been in boarding school, and then away at college, and also always leaving or finding alternative job/living situations she always picks a fight right before i leave and at times tries to sabatoge my plans ( ie saying she'll drive me to the airport but running errands right before i have to leave and not coming back in time )

[Learning2Thrive]

  Santoshagirl,

I’m so glad you’ve reached out to us. We really do understand.

She also alwyas throws tantrums whenever I leave to go somewhere.

My mother did this too. This kind of behavior is a form of extinction burst—last ditch, no holds barred effort to get you to come back into compliance.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

I find myself able to rationalize a lot of the mixed feelings I have but it breaks my heart when she does have moments of lucidity and she speaks to me with tears welling in her eyes and throat because I can literally feel and see how bad she is suffering and she has not had an easy life even outside of her illness.

This is emotional blackmail and FOG:
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

It’s NORMAL to separate from your parents. Just because she has a mental illness does not mean you should be responsible for her. It’s her responsibility to seek treatment for her own financial, physical, mental and emotional health.

You deserve an amazing life—you’ve worked hard for your successes. You earned them. She may never recognize this, sadly. Even more sad, her extreme fear of abandonment and disordered (ABUSIVE) behavior are exactly what will drive you away. It’s all so unfair and so unnecessary. But it just IS.

Sending you love, gentle hugs and smiles. You are worthy. Be kind, loving and compassionate with yourself. Healing and recovery from a lifetime of exposure to this sort of mental illness and abuse takes time.

  L2T

[Panda39]

She does have a way of always landing on her feet which is odd... .I guess she will always be ok but im extremely concerned for the future when she is older with no home and no retirement plan ... .I'm planning on being financially stable but I feel a lot of pressure to make enough money to support my mother an I in the future... .How can i live knowing that she may be elderly and homeless?  I am her only child and the rest of the family has given up on her a long time ago.

I question how much of this is your responsibility?  Your mom has made choices and in this life there are consequences to our choices.  To me it comes down to a mixture of your values, your well being and her well being.  If you choose to support her it also doesn't have to be all (fully financially supporting her) or nothing, and you can't sacrifice your own happiness and financial security.  There will be resources out there that can help, she will have social security, medicaid is a out there, you could choose to partially assist her financially if you have the means, if she owns her own home that's an asset, you could choose to do many things when the time comes, but ruminating about the future is just stressing you out.  Try and be in the "now" the future will sort itself out.

I've seen a couple of threads recently about elder care (you are not alone in your concern around this area)... .

Post by Turkish... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326657.0

Post by NotWendy... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327238.0

So there I go sending conflicting messages... .don't ruminate but here's more on what your ruminating about!  Silly Panda! 

Anyway, I hope I've given you something helpful. 

Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

I question how much of this is your responsibility? 

This.

Why do you feel your mother’s future is your responsibility? Does she not make her own choices?

  L2T