Please join discussion: How is your self-care going?

[jukeboxhero]

I've noticed that alot of us, myself included, tend to start something but then stop. For me, taking a class or a routine group activity helps with the diligence to keep it up. Especially if the class is something I'm paying for. A group helps me to feel an obligation to other people.

I have a very busy schedule to try and help with my chronic, low grade depression. My pwBPD would sometimes complain about my "overbooked schedule" even though I always make time for her. It feels like everytime she pushes me away, I pickup a new hobby or interest.

My latest venture was starting an improv class this week. I think it will help me alot, you have to be open and out of your head to think quickly. If and when she recycles, I think it may help me to be more present and calm in the moment to respond to her behavior.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[desperate.wife]

Hi pearl Nice to meet someone that feels about the water the same way.
I'm not sure about the patience, I think it was more about letting the steam out.

About the course, I don't think it requires facebook. I don't have one. But I have registered many years ago. Maybe it changed. Coursera is another distraction. I browse through courses and sign up I’m many of them. Feel good about it. Never take one.  :d I feel like jukeboxhero, I should pay for it to stick with it. But I am afraid to waist money :d

After reading here, I remembered how I used to do these little things to enjoy, like lightening candle. It’s been 3-4 years I didn’t do it. Tonight I did, feels nice.

One other thing I like no matter how I feel, to walk bare foot on the sand. Sand in the water. Mmm…That is smth worth billions   Another calming thing for me,  that everybody can do, blow bubbles. Like when you were a kid. SO much joy from some soap I was sitting and watching them settling on the water. I should do that when I am anxious. I know how to enjoy moment when I am calm, but I need to learn how to control anxiety.

I hear ya, with a relationship like this it is hard to feel or live as if there is a future. My "future" is only a few hours out ahead of me. I haven't been able to plan a life being with someone like this, and I am just watching day after day go down the drain... .

That doesn't really sound like it is working you

[pearlsw]

My latest venture was starting an improv class this week. I think it will help me alot, you have to be open and out of your head to think quickly. If and when she recycles, I think it may help me to be more present and calm in the moment to respond to her behavior.

Hi jukeboxhero,

You really impress me with how much you do to make the best of everything - really! Looking forward to hearing more about the improv! Is it acting? Comedy too? Oh, I hope you have so, so much fun!

I was a pretty shy person (that was probably really anxiety) when younger and had to push myself pretty hard to break out of that shell so I am really rooting for ya!

wishing you all the best, pearl.

[pearlsw]

After reading here, I remembered how I used to do these little things to enjoy, like lightening candle. It’s been 3-4 years I didn’t do it. Tonight I did, feels nice.

One other thing I like no matter how I feel, to walk bare foot on the sand. Sand in the water. Mmm…That is smth worth billions   Another calming thing for me,  that everybody can do, blow bubbles.

Hey desperate.wife,

You have suddenly brought back a wonderful memory of a trip I made to Berlin once where two people were out on the street in a park making these giant bubbles for the all the kids walking by! Parents could give them a little money if they liked. It was so mesmerizing and just seemed so pure.

Hey, do you ever do free courses on EdX? I like to do those MOOC's sometimes. Maybe you'll see something on there you like. You can just audit, you don't have to pay or finish them, you can just browse.

Thanks to all of you very, very much for bringing such happiness into my and everyone else's week! Big hugs to all of you!    

peace to all! ~ pearl.

[eeps]

Oh, i like this kind of thing too! It seems so great to have a house in a quiet, private area... .I wish I had more fixer-upper skills though. Do you have those skills?

i have *some* fixer-upper skills, mostly things like painting. but i'm pretty handy, i'd like to learn more!

Have you ever had a dog? I was lucky and had lot of pets as a kid and a few as an adult so far. I hope you get your dreams! 

yes! i grew up with dogs, big dogs! my brother has a sweet guy he adopted a couple years ago that i get to hang out with sometimes, and his dog just makes me want to have my own even more. someday... .

There is a pretty nice 30 day yoga challenge (by a woman named Adrienne) on YouTube. I started it but then life got too crazy, but I'd love to do it again. It was just nice to hear her soothing voice.

i just did a yoga with Adrienne video that i found on youtube last week! there's a channel called Mind Body Soul that i often go back to. i like the Yoga with A.J. and in particular right now: Yogalates with Rashmi, both are very straightforward and soothing.

another thing i do for self-care is making things. i recently picked up my crochet hooks and yarn after a couple of years of not using them. (i like to knit also) knitting and crochet have taught me how to be patient, and i find it pretty meditative to just sit and move my fingers and let my mind wander.

i may also try out the meditation class on coursera that desperate.wife mentioned!

[Radcliff]

I'm still not regular with the shoulder exercises, but on my run today I noticed for the first time that I was no longer doing the "geezer" run, where you hop up and down at a walking pace, and was now running like the out-of-shape middle aged guy that I am!  It's nice to see an improvement!

WW

[1stTimer]

Hi Pearl, I'll bite.

Self-care seems to be going pretty well. A good deal of it was intense physical exercise at a new boxing/conditioning gym. Sweating like mad, not being able to think about my self for a couple hours, starting to look great and get attention, the daily trip to the gym, and of course being around dozens of super hot fit warrior women have all helped get my mind and body in a good place.

A good part of my self-help as you know has been posting here and getting my head on straight, learning a lot about myself and committing to bettering myself (which is decidedly not why I came here).

Trying to practice the empathy / validation skills on people in my life. I started as 'practice' and realized it should just be A practice. Not easy stuff and you can end up feeling like a robot of wanna-be-therapist if you keep using phrases like 'and I didn't even notice X when it meant so much to you that must have hurt. I'm listening now tell me more'. And that's just the Barista!

As you know as well I ended up writing a letter to my... .ex?... .which was not only highly cathartic it made me feel as If I'd done something right with the universe. If I'd send out any of the early hugely angry or the subsequent hugely self-involved letters I'd had the opposite effect of self-care.  But I felt as if I did something that, if not 'righting a wrong', gave something important to someone who not only was important to me but I realized had given me lots of important things. So interestingly enough part of the self-care package includes taking care of other people.  Which led me btw to start, at Skip's suggestion, to start giving feedback on other posts. I feel HIGHLY unqualified to do so but maybe at the end of the day a lot of what people (including myself) are looking for here is not help but a simple "I hear you"

Ok off to my double-class. Hope your night was great and weekend is even better!

[pearlsw]

Hi Pearl, I'll bite.

Ok off to my double-class. Hope your night was great and weekend is even better!

Ouch! hahahaah. 

Hey thanks buddy! I appreciate the well wishes! I've gotten some language learning in for the day, but some fitness will be up for the next part!

That gym time sounds excellent! One small note of caution... .This just popped to mind... .take or live my thoughts on this, but I used to aerobic kickboxing quite a lot and even some kickboxing training with a coach for a bit, but I tell ya, one thing that did was... .I dunno... .I was walking around pretty cocky and aggressive! hahaahahaha. I wonder if pairing that kind of thing with tai chi (did that for awhile too) or yoga, or something else, even just a class filled with women and you one of the few guys would be good for balancing your energy? Ya know? (and those are just good odds dating wise,  )

Man, I don't feel "qualified" either, but ya know, this can be a practice for you too! You figured it out pretty quick! This is a way to practice listening, speaking clearly and compassionately, validating, helping, softening our stance in the world, it can be all kinds of good things to support ourselves and others - whatever we want to make of it!

It will help you with learning/using better communication tools, at the least keep you mindful! Which is great!

wishing you the best! ~pearl.

[pearlsw]

I'm still not regular with the shoulder exercises, but on my run today I noticed for the first time that I was no longer doing the "geezer" run, where you hop up and down at a walking pace, and was now running like the out-of-shape middle aged guy that I am!  It's nice to see an improvement!

WW

Hey WW!

Well I bet if you keep it up you'll find yourself doing 5k's in no time! Those are also a nice way to connect with and support causes in your local community - something I think you care very much about!

Hope those shoulders get healthy soon! Glad to see you taking care of yourself and not just everyone else in life! Be good to yourself fella! You deserve it! 

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

i have *some* fixer-upper skills, mostly things like painting. but i'm pretty handy, i'd like to learn more!

i just did a yoga with Adrienne video.

another thing i do for self-care is making things.

i may also try out the meditation class on coursera that desperate.wife mentioned!

Hey eeps!

No way! You did the Yoga with Adrienne videos too? She is such a peach! I am not so bendy but she always makes me feel happy and serene and like I can do things I feel I can't!

Oh, how cool that you can do some fixer-upper stuff! I had a partner for awhile who was a master carpenter once and I tell ya I had the best time putting on my workboots and going with him on jobs. I had some adventures in indoor and outdoor house painting with him! One of my best memories is when he painted our house blue so fast it made my head spin! It was like being with superman! hahaahaha.

How nice that you knit and crochet. I used to try to crochet with my mom, she's good at it, I could only crochet one single line! hahahhahaha. But I agree, those calm patient crafts that we can do with our hands and are great! They really bring you right into the present moment like nothing else!

Oh my! I wish I had a friend with a dog. I would love to play with a dog - they way they smile with total abandon is so great!

big hugs to all! so nice to hear all the efforts at self-care! never forget that we matter too!    

with love, pearl.  

[1stTimer]

This just popped to mind... .take or live my thoughts on this, but I used to aerobic kickboxing quite a lot and even some kickboxing training with a coach for a bit, but I tell ya, one thing that did was... .I dunno... .I was walking around pretty cocky and aggressive! hahaahahaha. I wonder if pairing that kind of thing with tai chi (did that for awhile too) or yoga, or something else, even just a class filled with women and you one of the few guys would be good for balancing your energy? Ya know? (and those are just good odds dating wise,  )

I'm totally not the cocky boxing guy. It is yuppie boxing for one thing. And I never fool myself it is anything I could use nor do I even want to fight. My friend always thinks it makes him/us bad a**** and I tell him to shut up when he tells people in bars we are boxers. USUALLY he says 'man my friend here has a wicked body shot'. It is inane.

I do this for the fun of it and the workout. And. The class IS filled with women, the boxing classes and the circuit classes. Usually 2/3 to 3/4 women.  Believe me it is the men who balance the energy in those, the women are freaking warriors. Gorgeous warriors.  There is a double 'Road And' class Tuesdays which turns out to basically be 12 3 minute rounds on the treadmill running uphill, 4 rounds of rowing, 4 rounds of bike and 6 rounds of insane body and light weight exercises (burpees, squat presses, boxing with hand weight, box jumping, plank jacks, etc), almost two hours straight of this. The only other person who does this is a woman who goes all out with me, the rest of both classes is still almost all women.

Man, I don't feel "qualified" either, but ya know, this can be a practice for you too! You figured it out pretty quick! This is a way to practice listening, speaking clearly and compassionately, validating, helping, softening our stance in the world, it can be all kinds of good things to support ourselves and others - whatever we want to make of it!

Not sure how quick I've figured it out still learning. I'm trying to now learn about not validating the invalid a I feel I am sort of facing that.

BTW did you ever read any of the Nicola Method for dealing with High Conflict People (www.nicolamethodforhighconflict.com/flip3/nicolamethod/nicolamethod.html)  and if so what are your thoughts?

Basically the approach is to say 'When you said that it sounded like you thought I did something wrong?' as a way of diffusing and of redirecting the other person to actually take a look at what IS making them angry. I haven't tried it yet. I'll report back :|

[CryWolf]

played basketball with friends today, got good cardio in. then spent time with family

[desperate.wife]

After 4 nice days when I felt calm, when my SO was ill but calm too, understanding. When you could talk about things without getting emotional. Even joke. But frustration came back. Still little, but I could feel it coming. In him too. So I took hoot bath. I wrote here. I watched the storm coming. That’s kind of thing that makes me feel great. Happy. It was approaching from other side of the lake. With thunder. I saw the other shore disappearing. Birds escaping from dark cloud to the safety. Listen to the rising waves breaking to the stones, felt the wind messing with my hairs. Running from it last minute. Getting wet. Touching the ice falling from sky. So great. Felt so good. Until I had to face him again. Frustration was back till I told him about it.

[desperate.wife]

I am on second week of coursera meditation class. The real work begins. I need to reflect on my childhood, school memories. Keeps my mind occupied.

[jukeboxhero]

Hi jukeboxhero,

You really impress me with how much you do to make the best of everything - really! Looking forward to hearing more about the improv! Is it acting? Comedy too? Oh, I hope you have so, so much fun!

I was a pretty shy person (that was probably really anxiety) when younger and had to push myself pretty hard to break out of that shell so I am really rooting for ya!

wishing you all the best, pearl.

Thanks for the support! I had my 2nd class, it's part acting, part comedy, part storytelling. Most of my classmates joined because, like me, they're too introverted. The class goes for 6 weeks, then we have a graduation show, inviting friends and family. It makes me sad that I can't invite my pwBPD, we're still NC and she's my best friend. Maybe she'll reach out within the next few weeks... .

[Jade_alexander]

Made sure to get ample sleep
Eating nutritiously not emotionally
Talking with friends about my feelings instead of being in denial or repressing

[loyalwife]

  1. I've been listening to more music (especially during time episodes), headphones are great.
  2. Walking my 13 year old girl dog, further and further everyday. She loves it and it gets meow of the house.
  3. Pulling weeds. It's gives me a satisfaction, uncanny
  4. Long bubble baths.
  5. Spending more time with my children who love me unconditionally.
  6. Talking with friends and taking a stand politically. Not being shy to tell people my opinion.
  Staying true to myself. Not letting someone else's drama effect me. Only taking responsibility when I have been at fault. Seeing the good in myself, as I do others.

[pearlsw]

played basketball with friends today, got good cardio in. then spent time with family

Hey CryWolf,

That sounds like good fun! Glad you got time with friends and family! 

Thanks for the chance to live vicariously through you! 

warmly, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Thank You Pearl, how was your day?

Today I: went out to the mall that is 40 minutes away. I hate malls. But they have a good store. Bought a nice denim shirt for my date on Tuesday. Usually I don’t get excited like this but I am. Lmao

I also got attacked by a bird in the parking lot haha

Got food by myself and laid in bed remainder of the day besides some errands . I think it’s time I clean my room. You know how messy a college dudes room can get  

[pearlsw]

Thank You Pearl, how was your day?

hey, hey CryWolf!  

okay, not great, but good enough!

new shirt eh, college guy? right on! i hate malls too! ick! attacked by a bird, what the what what? well, looking on the bright side, at least it didn't poop on your head.  yep, yep, get that place cleaned up and study too!  

[pearlsw]

I watched the storm coming. That’s kind of thing that makes me feel great. Happy. It was approaching from other side of the lake. With thunder. I saw the other shore disappearing. Birds escaping from dark cloud to the safety. Listen to the rising waves breaking to the stones, felt the wind messing with my hairs. Running from it last minute. Getting wet. Touching the ice falling from sky. So great. Felt so good. Until I had to face him again. Frustration was back till I told him about it.

Wow desperate.wife, you have a real talent for painting a picture! Do you write poetry?

Oh, great to hear that you are doing the meditation course.

What about your childhood and school memories is coming up for you?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Thanks for the support! I had my 2nd class, it's part acting, part comedy, part storytelling. Most of my classmates joined because, like me, they're too introverted. The class goes for 6 weeks, then we have a graduation show, inviting friends and family. It makes me sad that I can't invite my pwBPD, we're still NC and she's my best friend. Maybe she'll reach out within the next few weeks... .

Hey, that is super! 

Have you ever heard of Spalding Gray? He was a performer, and writer and he used to do these great monologues. He was an incredible storyteller.

Oh, I do hope she comes out and supports you for the show!

You are just awesome! So brave! 

much respect and admiration, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Made sure to get ample sleep
Eating nutritiously not emotionally
Talking with friends about my feelings instead of being in denial or repressing

Hey Jade_alexander,

This is what I need to do too with sleep and food! Great! I am glad too that you are talking with your friends. Are they helpful, do they get it?

warmly, pearl.

[desperate.wife]

hey, jukeboxhero

So great you joined that improvisation class! I always felt some theatre would help with my self confidence. Would take me out of my shell. I've looked few times what was possible around, but it would always be some serious theatre groups, so I never joined. Besides the language was an issue too.

I saw that near where we live now there is theatre classes for kids, starting age 4. I am definitely going to let my daughter to try next year. I also got a list of summer classes and theatre is one of them. And you know what, I didn't think that I should join. I thought that it would help my BPD husband. And yesterday he came back all happy with the idea that doctor gave him. To join theatre to help him better understand other people. I guess I will wait for next opportunity.


 

[desperate.wife]

Hi pearl,

thank you I have never actually liked descriptions much. :d But that storm made me feel great. I am not in the poetry. I prefer essays... .

Childhood memories are fun. I have nice ones. I want to write them down. And it is a lot of writing. So I am a bit stuck. I did first part. Looking for my first memory. I wrote down all earliest memories I could think of. It is hard to tell which one is first first. I have few from when I was 2-3... .maybe 4 years old. It was before my sister was born. So no later than 4. They are vague and vivid at the same time. It is interesting to see how far ago you can remember... .

As for the rest of memories, it is a bit overwhelming. There is so much of them... .We were not only asked about childhood, it continued up to university and so on. So yea…  Reflection on your whole life. Takes some time. I am not even sure about writing it all down... .Just some more childhood memories to pass to my kid.

[desperate.wife]

I think it’s time I clean my room. You know how messy a college dudes room can get  

Girls too. I remember those days. :d I kinda moved on, at least no more food in bedroom, but my husband still hasn't passed that stage... .I am not tidy, but just look at his car or his side of bed! Clean environment might help feel better. Have fun cleaning! I'll try too... .

[sotiredofthis]

I've been biking to and from work. Taking myself out to lunch probably once a week. Meditate and journal every morning.

[desperate.wife]

Well, I’ll do some sharing.
I was feeling so low, I couldn't do anything, but drink tea and do nothing. I watched Flowers. Accidently found it. Juts liked the picture and name, thought it was something cheery :d Ha, ha... .I loved it, but I couldn't share it with my suicidal husband. It was like watching about myself. And it was funny at the same time. Watched it all in 2 days :d  I enter this mode where I do nothing, can't even read. So I watch the shows. I also watched LaLa Land. Made things worth. It was not the end I needed. So then, I was even more down. New low, I don't remember ever feeling like that. It scares me.

Now I am tired but my spirit is ok. Mind stable. I know it will last only few days before it starts going down again (usually it is like that, but it also depends on my husband’s depression these days), so I need to do as much as possible. I need to make apartment in ok state to leave my husband in for few weeks alone. I need to go through all clothes that are still unpacked in bags. I need to pack for vacation. I need to have plan to avoid going in that depressed state again.

So I cleaned half of the kitchen. Moreover, O dealt with one other storage drawer that was invaded with the duckers. With that one, my husband helped. And it was nice working like team. He can be good in crises Still need to deal with lot of stuff in the kitchen, but I see hope now.

I took dose of vitamin D yesterday.
I signed up to moodgym that I found mentioned here and I got book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. I don’t know if it is gonna be enough. I tend to make to do lists when I am in good shape and keep following them for few days and then I start feeling bad and I abandon everything. Long time ago I decided not to stress about it. If I feel low, I won’t beat myself that home is mess, I should do this or that. That didn’t help anyway, so I just let myself do what I could.

But this time was different, not only I felt down, I was irritated easily, even by my D3. And that I can not let happen ever again. So I need help to not going in that state again. Hopefully vacation will help. Sea is my love and being away from the depressed one should have its benefits too.

But I need more help than that. How do I stay in healthy mind? I noticed that if I am in calm environment I don't have these severe PMS followed by depression. That is not the case now, I need to deal with my stress. I am very anxious person, I did some test recently, it said that I may have general anxiety issues. Sometimes I don't even know I am stressed, but I would get my back blocked.  I am very shy too. Well sometimes, I can go fight the world, but at the same time, I am afraid to make phone call. Things got worst last few months. In half year, I had 5 panic attacks, that’s more than I had in all my life.

I have understanding of my issues (or so I think so) and I look for tools to help myself, I have very good book about people that are afraid of everything written by psychologist. I use it for my communication with my girl, but I haven't finished it. If there’s no deadline it is hard for me

How do I get out of this cycle? How do I stay committed to change?
I will try to start with few commitments: drink calming tea before sleep everyday. 30 minutes’ walk every day. And that moodgym thing. 3 things to do every day. I hope I can do it. Longer than 3 days... .

I also continue self-reflection meditation class on Coursera. It is good. But they are asking to reflect on your whole life in a few different aspects in one week. It is too much for me... .I want to do it right, really think about it. So I do it on my own pace.


My self-care is not going that well. How I don’t get affected by his moods? It is devastating. I want to be free of his emotions.

Few hours later. Made pizza with my girl (on her demand), we all ate in terrace. Then played hide and seek, and checked with my husband if he was in ok state, left him to give her bath and put her to bed. And I got my walk and swim. So needed it. I also had my pleasure time by myself as it has been some time and I don’t see anything happening with my husband any time soon. I have my needs. I dealt with clothes from the dryer (few days ago I washed everything but nor me, nor my husband was in the shape to take care of clothes. He took what he needed and half of it stayed in dryer, half on the floor, some of it wqas still wet, so I washed it all again. And enjoyed folding) and now I am drinking my relaxing tea while finishing writing.

Day one: check.