And back to moody-ville

[isilme]

Sigh.  So H is now running a fever, says he feels terrible, and is kinda yelling at me about it.  Almost every interaction since yesterday morning has resulted in me being yelled at, snapped at, whatever. 

He has been calling in haphazardly to work this spring - usually for serious health issues.  This week, I think he's feeling angry, burned out, depressed, and deciding to make it all worse by hiding at home (he never improves at home too long.  He needs a schedule, to interact with even just a few people daily).  His current boss is a bit disgruntled herself with upper management and knows of his health issues, and so does not care.  But H, of course, waffles between feeling bad about himself, and then lashing out at the world.  The world, being me, as I am the only one around to hear all he's ranting about.  It's not me so much as I am doing my best to simply not internalize much of it, and to not KADE or react when he DOES try to pick directly at me.  We didn't have the right soup at lunch yesterday, so a lack of the "proper" chicken soup is me keeping him homesick so he can be fired.  I got griped at this morning because he has email questions from work in his inbox.  I got griped at for letting him know if he hears alerts from a device, it's his, not mine, cuz his had been going off since last evening and early this morning.  I muted notifications for a while after 5am (who messages at 5am?  really?) but had to turn them back on when I left for work in case I need to call him.  Did not want him assuming the DINGs he as hearing were MY devices, fueling his anger.  Instead, I got yelled at that some of HIS classmates want another reunion and started a group message.  Got yelled at for him not knowing how to use his phone to check them.  I got yelled at because he feels bad, because he's staying home because he wants to assume I am mad at him so he can focus his negative feelings on me - I am actually numb, not mad.  I am at a point where I am more too tired to feel much than mad.  Maybe sad.  But my real feelings don;t matter.  Just his perception of them.

He IS running a fever.   I can feel it on him, even if I can't really get a good reading from a thermometer.  He never seems to read on those, no matter what kind.  I believe he has a cold or something, but don't know what to do about it.  I let mine run their course unless snot turns green.  (gross, sorry).

And I think he's having a crisis right before I go for my MRI, as I feared he would.  I'm not saying that's the only trigger, there are plenty of others, but that's the upcoming thing.  I may just see if I can go myself, or if my female friend will go instead.  I don't need him being cranky on me when I've got this gong on.  I am not "competing" for who's sick.  I'd go on my own if I was not nervous they'd find they need to tranq me for claustrophobia and it was closer.

I don't want this, but 6 months of this for me is enough.  He insisted I asked the MD about it.  I did, she wants an MRI.  What did he think would happen?  That she'd just say, "you're obviously getting headaches because you are a fatty so fix it already?"  Because to him that is the most important health concern, ever.  He keeps mentioning my "health issues".  I have one, really - I am having daily headaches, that seem like a constant migraine prodrome, that ramp up unexp[ectedly and never quite go away.  The MD has never commented on my weight.  I have been holding steady for like 5 years, while unable to lose, I have not been going up since 2013.  And am finally losing, slowly, hampered by the neurological stuff, but still trying to lose. 

I am not in a great place right now.  I am very much feeling I live in a house that I work 40+ hours a week to pay bills to maintain, to clean, to keep up with as I can.  And there is this other person there.  Sometimes, I like this other person, they are positive, can be helpful, contributes.  Many times lately, I skirt around this person, avoid contact, and feel I can't share at all.  It can flip all in one day.  His moods were fairly stable for about 5 - 8 years.  Not anymore.  Do men have "menopause"?  He is not even 41, but claims he feels his body is 50.  He says he can feel that his chemicals are out of whack (but will not entertain anything to regulate them).  I dunno. 

Tired.  Got a little sleep last night, changed sheets to feel better in bed and that helped.  Made myself take my shower earlier.   

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi isilme,

Does your husband take any medication? Since he says he feels his chemicals are out of whack does he perhaps feel open to this idea? I would not have guessed my SO would take them and it was hour to hour when he first started, me have to gently get him to not to give up, but now he sings he praises of medication and doesn't want to not take them. I never would have predicted this. Feel guilty we didn't do this sooner for his issues.

Are you able to get enough time away from him? He sounds so very taxing, he takes up a lot of emotional space!

Wishing you the best with the MRI. I hope it helps you find the answers and a path forward on this issue!

take good care, pearl.

[isilme]

He takes his diabetes management medication twice a day, and his high blood pressure in the morning.  This is mostly because diabetes puts a lot of strain on the kidneys, so keeping his blood pressure lower is supposed to keep them functioning better. 

Everything else is just suggested vitamins or supplements, to help manage sugar or effects of diabetes.  CoQ10, fish oil, vitamin D, etc.  We've stopped some of the vitamins until the results come in mid-July about his kidney stone production test, so we know what the stones are made of, what he CAN/SHOULD take or eat and what we need to completely cut to prevent stones from forming.  They can be made of a few different things. 

I used to be able to get him to take St. John's Wort to help with his chemical imbalances that make his anxiety and depression get bad, and maybe drink rose hip tea or chamomile to sleep, maybe laces with a little valerian at times (it can be habit forming, so not all the time).  He was refusing to go back to taking it when I brought it up last week.  He hates being on ANY prescription as it is, believes they mean he is dying or weak, and have never entertained getting on any mood stabilizers or elevators.   

He is NOT open to the idea of anything more than an OTC supplement and even then is flaky about keeping u with them.  He is supposed to be taking one to help with his zinc/nitrogen levels, which in turn helps with testosterone levels, which in turn can help with some of this moodiness, but he "forgets".  Hell, he forgets the night time diabetes pill unless I ask.  And I try not to, because I am accused of playing "mommy" at times, but need him to be on some even level and not skip it, not eat super late, not eat crap (he is comfort eating and mad he's gained weight).   

The only place I really get away is at work, or when I go to run errands.  I am too tired to seek out friends, and their schedules are full of kids and their own spouses as it is, and usually want to do couples things.  I might see if I can join a friend and her sisters-in-law exercising, but they are all moms, so their schedules might work better for daytime, while I am at work. 

H does not want to leave the house for dinner with friends.  He is consumed by self-embarrassment. So from about 8-noon, 1-5 I am at work, give or take. 

Basically, I will have to agree that his inconsistency in taking the zinc/nitrogen supplement is probably a big culprit, making him bounce from moody-like-he-is-on-his-period to okay and then back.  The depression is a feedback loop. 

[Fie]

Hello Isilme 


It sounds like you are exhausted ... .and I so understand why.

I know how living with BPD is... .and I know that you care for your husband. I know that us nons take up a lot, and we tend to forget about ourselves. I also know that sometimes it seems easier to put all of our energy in our BPD, so they'd feel better ... so we'd feel better.

But... .What can you do for yourself ? Seems that all of the energy you are putting in him and his ailments is not really paying off at the moment. Is there anything you can think of that you can do for you ? Which supplements do you take ?

[isilme]

Hi Fie.

This is part of why I am going through with the MRI, and addressing the fact that this is not normal, this weirdness going on in my head.  And that I may need more help for the pain than ibuprofen.  And why I joined weight watchers.  I need more help than I am getting.  And I need to admit that I am hurting and stop hiding it, stop trying to hide feeling ill, being in pain, needing sleep. 

I grew up being told by my BPD mom that you flaunt illness for attention and to get meds so you can spend life asleep in bed.  I later lived with BPD dad, who told me needing doctors meant you were weak and lazy.  He told me taking me to a doctor for a sinus infection was a waste of his time and money and I should not be so weak I needed to go.  I would spend weeks at a time half deaf in high school because of burst infected ears, and lose my voice from coughing and sore throats.  I treated myself with nyquil or dayquil if I could get it, when my own babysitting money.  Admitting I am sick is still hard.  and H has enough BPD to be like my parents about it at times. 

Yes, I am exhausted.  Mostly what I put in is not FOR his ailments.  I am simply doing everything around the house that I want done.  I am more of a neat freak, so I take out the trash.  Asking is called nagging, so I just do it, not worth the fight.  Dishes. Litterbox.  Mowing lawn, laundry.  Anything in the house, I am the one doing it.  Anything out of the house, I am the one doing it.  I spend less at the store than if he's with me, and his legs hurt a lot due to the neuropathy anyway, so I just go myself.  I work full time.  I try to get SOME sort of exercise in so I can get my Fit Points for WW. 

I am usually okay with much of this.  I don't cringe when people come over because I have tried to keep the house reasonably neat, if not clean.  He is usually okay to be around.  Well, not lately.  But I've been mentioning how he seems to be ramping up after almost a decade of calmer waters.

I take him to his appointments because otherwise he'd be 50/50 about going and we'd get charged anyway.  And, he realized he does not pick up on most of what they say, and I know he "hears" it all through his BPD filter, meaning his reports are emotionally charged and sometimes inaccurate.  When not super migrainey, I tend to have an almost photographic recall, so it's best I am in there if allowed. 

I find myself wishing sometimes for days when he'd be at work and I could stay home, in bed all day.  For days.  I wake so easily that even when he tries to be quiet, I hear him.  And lately, I am sound sensitive, so noises feel amplified.  And I feel guilty for wanting that.  If he can't get his health under control, he may very end up dying on me as he keeps claiming he will.  I will have too much time alone, then. 

Supplements.  I am taking a mixed night time one from amazon to help me stay asleep.  It's hard to tell how much it may be helping.  I might fall back asleep faster after each waking.  Multivitamins for women.  Tumeric.  Alpha lipoic acid.  Magnesium fro dehydration and the migraine issues.  Vitamin D, just because I tend to run low.  Two new allergy medications that seem to be somewhat working.  But one may be adding to my tiredness.  Pain medication if I must, I don't want rebound pain and try to avoid it.  I have my new migraine medication, but it's so limited in what they give you (9 doses a month), and can only be used once a day, I really try to not use it. 

[isilme]

And I come home to him griping at me for not fixing up backyard for the lawn guy I hired for today.  Recent rain means tall tall weeds, we don’t have grass, and I’m trying to not over do things at the moment.

And he’s in a pissmpoor mood, yelling at the Xbox players he grouped witht.  I don’t want to hide in the bedroom, don’t know what to do.  Well, really, I’d go to bed, but gotta wait until lawn guy is at least done. 

[isilme]

And a 15 minute tirade about never ask him what he wants for dinner, again. 

I can’t tell what I hate more.  Crazy rage? Moody indifference and minor griping and poking at me?  Lack of reliability and feeling I am often on my own to get things done?  Complaints about how I domsaid things, with little help? While exhausted? 

I am just feeling hurt and fed up right now.  As soon as lawn guy is done, I’m making dinner and getting ready for bed as early as I can without it making me wake up at 4am and not be able to get back t9 sleep.

He is being deliberately rude to me, as if I am the one sending him email,questions from work, causing him grief in games, whatever.  He was ok a few days ago.  Wtf.   

[pearlsw]

Hey islime,

That sounds like my sleep schedule some days. Hope I am awake when he's not or vice versa!

I'm not in the mood to do much validating today, but I've had some down time and I've gotta be ready to at least try, knowing I can always retreat to a place of solitude.

Sending happy thoughts your way! Hope your head isn't aching too badly today!

take care, pearl.

[isilme]

pearlsw,

Thanks.  I think my "bounce-back" coping is just really really low right now.  I feel kinda silly being as upset as I have been.  My head is what it is.  Had to go ahead and take one dose of my medication last night, only have 7 now, afraid to do too much OTC to prevent rebound headaches.  It helped a bit, dulled it at least.  Hurts again today. It's not like those people with terrible pain all day every day.  It's just enough to know it's there.  A lot of the day it's like being at the bottom of the deep end in a pool, pressure you can't ignore, creeping feelings in the scalp and on a scale of 1-10 is hovers at about 2-3 all day, then ramps to 5-7 for a bit, then maybe calm back down to 2.  All the while making me feel slow, dumb, and interfering sporadically with vision.  I got frustrated last night, I could not read my book. 

He was able to go to work today, which I know will likely drain him and keep his mood on edge, but at least he will be out of the house.  Being out of the house makes coming home more pleasant for him. 

Have not determined a plan for tomorrow.   I might see if he will go along with dinner with our friends and if they can talk him into letting them drive.  Last night I was almost resolved to just get up and go by myself and leave him at home. 

I DO fear he feels me having any health issues is a form of competition.  It's not.  I usually hide when I feel bad unless it's very bad.  This is wearing me down even more than his moods.  I can take one or the other, not both. 

Also, it seems his high school class wants a reunion in August, which prompted comments about how "we" need to lose weight so he is not "embarrassing or embarrassed."  Back to me being embarrassing.   

I can usually not let things bother me so much, I am just not well scabbed over lately.  It will get better.  I will at least get some sort of answers after the scan tomorrow.  And the lawn is mowed for a week or two, now, and weed eaten, so that's one less thing for me to worry about.