pre-emptive detatchment

[snowmonkey]

I've put this in learning from a failed relationship and not in detaching because I want to think about what I learned from my previous breakup with my BPDexgf.

In my previous relationship, our breakup seemed to last forever. I put myself through a nightmarish couple of years hanging on to something that I shouldn't have. Now my current relationship is very rocky and I feel that it could go down the same path.

What I am asking is how should one go about starting to detach as a precaution to avoid a very painful breakup and protect myself in the eventuality that we do separate. Indeed, should one even do this? Or maybe, should one ALWAYS do this? Can I have a better relationship with my current partner if I start to detach now?

I feel that if I start to detach now, that I won't be so hurt if one or other of us finally call it quits. In fact, maybe I also see it as a way of regaining some power in a relationship where i have been completely dominated by my partner. (BTW, I'm not sure if my current partner is clinically BPD, although she certainly exhibits some of the traits).

So thinking about my previous relationship, I realise that I would not have been so hurt, no, devastated is a better word, if I had prepared myself better for the breakup that was almost sure to happen. What steps could I take now to allow for the possibility that we could survive (even thrive) but that would also empower me to not give a **** if it ended in the near future.

It's like I want to force myself to not care about the relationship when I clearly do care but see that so much in it is wrong.

Any thoughts?

[Cromwell]

It made next to no difference for me when I eventually chose to leave,  my feelings were directly proportional to the amount of emotional investment, enmeshment that had taken place, at the end of the day whatever way you look at it, its over regardless of what side decides to take that step. That you are preparing yourself for the likelihood, would make it less of a surprise if it happened but in terms of hurt feelings or ego, it depends on how close you are emotionally already. The only way I see to suffer less is to emotionally start to detach and/or not get further enmeshed.

If you make moves to detach now, with my experience with BPD, she became temporarily better each time that happened, and the rockyness evaporated, but "temporary" is the key word here.

[Insom]

Hi, snowmonkey! 

In my previous relationship, our breakup seemed to last forever.

I hear you.  BPD breakups can feel excruciating.  Though they are generally not the norm. 

Now my current relationship is very rocky and I feel that it could go down the same path.

What do you know about your current relationship?  Do you suspect BPD or are there BPD traits?  Attachment issues?

It's like I want to force myself to not care about the relationship when I clearly do care but see that so much in it is wrong.

I hear that you want to protect yourself. What do you mean by forcing yourself not to care?  How would you go about accomplishing that?   

[once removed]

a hard lesson in the aftermath of these relationships is to spot incompatibility and a dead end relationship and walk away. the latter is still hard for me.

in general, having a foot out the door is not a good strategy for strengthening a relationship, and from experience i can tell you it doesnt necessarily lessen the hurt when the end comes. having a level of independence, a life of your own, and not being too enmeshed on the other hand, can help a relationship thrive.

two questions:

1. by "detach" do you mean walk away from the relationship, or shield/protect yourself? or do you mean youd like to slow down the intensity?

2. do you have difficulty breaking up with people?

more details as to how the relationship is going would also help.