Ex has cut me off Facebook - Part 1

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I guess this is ironic. After the relationship with my ex moving from limerence to alleged suicide attempt by her, to me taking all of the drama out of the situation and becoming ‘friends’ - she has now cut me off FB and ceased contact.

A week ago today, she announced she was visiting her son in my home town and she was coming down with her other son and husband. In the past this would have triggered a response from me about my disappointment that she couldn’t see me or annoyance at her for telling me. This time I simply said “Have a good day.” That was a week ago and there had been no further contact on either side and now it seems she has cut me off FB.

I guess I am not chasing her anymore and she doesn’t like it or she is bored... .or my usual thought that perhaps she has met somebody else. She was the one who always chastised me for putting pressure on to meet and now it seems in the absence of any chasing by me, she doesn’t like it. I am a bit confused but not surprised.

While I do feel like contacting her to ask why she has cut me off - having chastised me a thousand times in the past for doing likewise, she seems to be acting out. Perhaps she wants a reaction? I don’t feel like reacting angrily anymore. There is enough distance between us for me to think logically and without the onslaught of the usual emotional accompaniment.

I am a bit hurt though. This woman who has occupied so much of my heart and soul once again pushing me away for no good reason. I am glad to be out of the situation. I guess this is typical of a BPD if you aren’t chasing then they go from waif like victim to witch type aggressor. If she has done it for a reaction then it is sad as my usual mistake with her is to assume her behaviour is logical or reasonable. At least I know I’ve done nothing to provoke her this time.

I have had a lovely evening out with my wife tonight. I am largely without the emotional turbulence I experience with the ex and I don’t want to ruin my peace and serenity by chasing this femme fatale again. I will no longer give her the wherewithal to ensnare my heart and mind. But it hurts.

[RomanticFool]

I guess this is ironic. After the relationship with my ex moving from limerence to alleged suicide attempt by her, to me taking all of the drama out of the situation and becoming ‘friends’ - she has now cut me off FB and ceased contact.

A week ago today, she announced she was visiting her son in my home town and she was coming down with her other son and husband. In the past this would have triggered a response from me about my disappointment that she couldn’t see me or annoyance at her for telling me. This time I simply said “Have a good day.” That was a week ago and there had been no further contact on either side and now it seems she has cut me off FB.

I guess I am not chasing her anymore and she doesn’t like it or she is bored... .or my usual thought that perhaps she has met somebody else. She was the one who always chastised me for putting pressure on to meet and now it seems in the absence of any chasing by me, she doesn’t like it. I am a bit confused but not surprised.

While I do feel like contacting her to ask why she has cut me off - having chastised me a thousand times in the past for doing likewise, she seems to be acting out. Perhaps she wants a reaction? I don’t feel like reacting angrily anymore. There is enough distance between us for me to think logically and without the onslaught of the usual emotional accompaniment.

I am a bit hurt though. This woman who has occupied so much of my heart and soul once again pushing me away for no good reason. I am glad to be out of the situation. I guess this is typical of a BPD if you aren’t chasing then they go from waif like victim to witch type aggressor. If she has done it for a reaction then it is sad as my usual mistake with her is to assume her behaviour is logical or reasonable. At least I know I’ve done nothing to provoke her this time.

I have had a lovely evening out with my wife tonight. I am largely without the emotional turbulence I experience with the ex and I don’t want to ruin my peace and serenity by chasing this femme fatale again. I will no longer give her the wherewithal to ensnare my heart and mind. But it hurts.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear RF-
You know I know your painful history and your struggles with trying to detach from your ex.  I'm sorry that you're still hurting over this - especially around the Facebook issue, which has been an ongoing trigger for both of you.  My feeling, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that despite not seeing her for quite some time, is this Facebook connection allowed you to feel some "connection" to the goings on in her life.  I think the hurt for you lies in the fact that she didn't provide an explanation in advance, so it feels "aggressive" to you.  You feel you're being punished for something.  Whether it's for not pursuing her, or whatever.  We cannot know the answer.  And hopefully in a bit of time her reasons will NOT matter.  Please do your best not to ask.  Please do your best... .

And RF, I think you CAN see and feel that the more you detach, and the greater distance from the strong emotions around her, the better you've been feeling.  Of course you still feel lingering sadness and hurt.  You were tied into these feelings for her for so many years. 

And now, my friend, it's time to put them to rest.  I believe you know that.  Sometimes there are no actual "goodbyes".  We have to simply let things slip away silently - especially with people who have manipulated and controlled us for way too long.  I have said before, there is no healthy closure with a disordered mind.  I have tried my best and it has cost me dearly.

I am coming from a place of deep caring for you and empathy with how you're feeling.  I understand the perceived need to keep the "tie".  But it's okay to free yourself.  This time, and from now on, try to let go of guessing at her motivation.  It cannot matter anymore.  This is ONLY about what is best for you.  And freeing yourself, I believe, is best for you.  You don't need to say anything.  You don't need to ask her any questions.  You don't need to have the last word with her.  You already know... .I already know, sometimes additional effort just heightens the grief.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Harley Quinn]

RF, I just want to extend some congratulations on being present enough in your evening with your wife to enjoy it and see the benefits of peace upon you.  You have come so far.  I also feel it would be good for you to heed the advice and wise counsel of Gemsforeyes in her reply above.  Acceptance is hard and you are mastering it.  This may well be a blessing that you will become grateful for on top of the other areas of your life you now acknowledge as positive in the absence of drama.  Let it be friend.  Make it work for you. 

Love and light x

[RomanticFool]

Hi Gems and Harley,

Unfortunately, I did not read this page before I acted. The feelings were taunting me again and I felt I had to act to quieten them. My indignation at her behaviour when I had tried to form a friendship with her simply hurt me too much to stay silent.

I asked her simply why she cut me off FB and she replied that she told me that she was coming to my home town with her family as she thought ‘honesty was the best policy’ and she interpreted my silence as punishment. I told her I had wished her a good day and then this last week I had become very busy with work doing 12 hour days all week and last night was a big night for me. I then told her I feel she has never been there for me and that she can now get her wish and do without me in her life. I have blocked her on WhatsApp and we are no longer FB friends.

That is exactly what you both  advised against and I wish I had just let her go silently, but enough is enough. I have given this woman every ounce of my emotional life. Whether you call it love, limerence or obsession it is based in abuse and I cannot allow it to continue. I haven’t seen her for nearly 17 months now and the weight of attachment is loosening. I WAS present last night with my wife and while there has been sadness this week that the ex didn’t wish me good luck for my work, I know she is not good for me. As you say Gems, there is no closure with a disordered mind.  

In conclusion, this is IT. The real ending of a 16 year r/s and there is no going back. I’ve never blocked her on WhatsApp before, she doesn’t usually cut me off FB. I’m not sure what she expected me to say or do the few days after she told me she was coming to my home town with her family. I’m not really going to pretend to be thrilled for her and she knows that I wouldn’t. Her statement about being honest troubles me because it suggests she hasn’t been honest in the past and in truth, I’ve never really trusted her because she doesn’t want the same sort of r/s I wanted. She dipped in and out when it suited and controlled things with ST and punishment when her disorder wasn’t tormenting both of us.

My guess is, this time around, she wanted some kind of affirmation about how wonderful she is for telling me. I get it. I just can’t do it anymore. I have learnt a lot about myself these last 17 months and it would be hard enough dealing with her mind and coping with her disorder if we were married, trying to conduct an affair with somebody who doesn’t even pretend to consider me is just insanity. I see it now. The flesh has been weak and the fantasy has been vivid but this woman is dangerous for my mental health. Just as I am probably dangerous for hers when emotions are engaged. I don’t think she will try to contact me again, I didn’t react with contrition and she will be furious at my retaliation. There would usually have been months of ST following such a tumultuous course of action on both sides. I considering blocking her phone number and email address. I feel it is time for true NC but with a very heavy heart. Turning my back on such a profound love/passion is very very very very hard.

I will continue to rebuild or more accurately, to build a r/s with my wife. She isn’t the most present, emotionally available, attentive person in the world but I do not doubt she has my best interests in her heart. We have history and mutual respect on our side and I am not yet ready to walk away from my marriage. However, I do feel my decision making is getting better and we will see what the future brings. I feel lighter and more optimistic than I have done in a while. Like I have taken control of my emotional life in a healthy way for once!

RF

[formflier]

RF,

Congrats on the steps you have taken towards "emotional sobriety".  Yes... .even though you reached out and wished you hadn't... .I sense a clarity about the situation that wasn't there before.  Keep opening your eyes wider!  Keep thinking things through longer... .before taking action.

 

I guess I am not chasing her anymore and she doesn’t like it or she is bored... .or my usual thought that perhaps she has met somebody else.  

Perhaps using this "axiom" or "rule" might help you evaluate future situations like this... .with anyone really.

If someone "announces" through actions or words... or both that they aren't ready or able to talk to you... .why not take them at their word and move on with your life?

In this situation, my guess is she would have waited for some amount of time and reached out.

Listen... I'm a "recovering overthinker".  Being in a r/s with a pwBPD can lead you to try and figure out "why" they do things (and a certain amount of thought about this is healthy... no doubt).  

Do you think you can "try on" resisting overthinking and take things at face value for a  while?

Thoughts?

Best to you!

FF

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear RF-
I'm on my way out now, but wanted to touch base briefly.  I can feel the frustration, and almost disappointment in yourself.  It's okay.  Please forgive yourself and try not to beat yourself up over reacting and not staying silent.  You'll get there and you've made so much progress.  We'll talk later.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Skip]

What are realistic expectations of a duel affair after it is over... .to be friends?  I don't think you are or were ever friends... .you were clandestine lovers. When it was good, it was good. But like old flower arrangement, clandestine relationship don't die gracefully.

What now? I am like the alcoholic who has stopped drinking but must now find a new way of living. I must find a way to exist without living in a damaging fantasy world (with the hope still alive) of being with a woman  ~ RomanticFool

You might just want to celebrate its life, like one does as a funeral, and then place earth on the casket. Give her a good memory of you. Frame in your own mind a good memory of her. Let that be the ending to this chapter in your life.

End the push and pull.

[RomanticFool]

How do I truly end the push and pull?

[Insom]

I feel it is time for true NC but with a very heavy heart.

I hear how hard this feels. 

What does "true NC" look like for you?  What do you have to do to implement?

[RomanticFool]

True NC means blocking every channel of communication and never replying to any message she ever manages to get through if she finds a way. I don’t have BPD and so to me that feels heartless and cruel. But that is precisely how she has behaved towards me for years. Constant ST, pulling away, disrespecting me, dipping in and out when it suits. Taking too much interest in my wife’s FB activity, controlling, monitoring, abusing and always pushing me away. I’m sick of it. Time to be cruel to be kind to myself. I hate it, it feels heartless disloyal and I care what happens to her but she will never change and never care about how I feel. I can’t do this anymore.

[Mutt]

I have minimal contact with my exuBPDw I can relate with struggling with the idea of cutting communication with her because of our history together I mean how can two people be so close end up not talking to each other? She has a serious mental illness going minimal contact gave me take to reconstruct and take care of myself.

You mention reconstructing yourself and repairing the r/s with your wife focus on taking care of yourself. It send the message that your behaviour is not acceptable how long are you supposed to tolerate her bad behaviour towards you?

I think that being pushed away in the end was the best thing for me because I got off the emotional rollercoaster and instead of focusing on someone else’s needs I focused on my own. If enough people that are close to my exuBPDw go NC maybe that will make her take a hard look at herself and be the catalyst for her to get help for her mental illness.

[RomanticFool]

Yes, setting boundaries is something I’ve oscillated around over the years because I couldn’t stand not being in contact. I have cut her off FB many times in the past because I wanted to show her that her behaviour was unacceptable. I stopped doing it a while ago and tried to keep things cordial as a signal that the nature of the r/s was changing. However, for her to do it in an unprovoked way just makes a mockery of any attempts to have a healthy r/s. Cutting her off WhatsApp and blocking all avenues of contact will hurt us both but I am no longer going to accept abuse.

[Mutt]

I think that it’s a good choice RomanticFool and it’s a hard one but you have support here. It’s not s hard and fast rule I can understand that you need to cut off all avenues today and it’s your choice to keep it that way for the long term but it doesn’t have to be forever. You need more time behind you one day you might feel like this is behind you and she no longer bothers you to a point where you don’t have to have NC.

My point is I know that the thought of doing this is hard and maybe you’re thinking that it’s permanent the way that you feel today is going to be different 1 or 3 or 5 years from now. Shift the focus away from her needs because she can’t give you what you need and focus on you.

[Sunfl0wer]

Gonna chime in and kindly express what I feel may be missing thus far... .

Experiencing the grief.
Grieving the loss.
Feeling the pain and sadness to not have what one had hoped for.

Sometimes sitting with the sadness, imo, can feel like the end of the world.
Yet, sitting with it... .
May be exactly what is needed, even tho the sense of it may feel in itself, traumatic.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Sunfl0wer,

This is very interesting to me because I feel that I’ve done nothing but sit with sadness around the ex. The sadness of never being with her has haunted me for years. Yet I kept letting her back in or reaching out to her for more, in the forlorn hope that something will change. Nothing has changed except the r/s was intense and I tried everything I could to keep it going. I no longer want to sit with sadness. I want to sit with happiness and joy and peace of mind. I have been addicted to melancholia, to sad songs, to reverie, to thwarted hope, to disorder, to abuse, to her manipulation. I no longer want it. I tried very hard to maintain a fair and healthy r/s with her and she has pressed the ‘nuke’ button on a suspicion for which she was incorrect. I wasn’t ignoring her this week, I was simply busy. But the fact she is prepared to carry on this type of hurtful behaviour when we haven’t seen each other for 17 months and I have been very affirming and understanding towards her just illustrates that despite us both being in AA she is not going to change her behaviour. It is all about her needs and mine are completely irrelevant to her. I no longer want poison in my life. I want my wife, who is kind, caring and interested in me. If I keep following my ex she will destroy me and probably herself with it. We were both in a very bad place last year. I now want the good place. With my wife and my serenity in tact. I’ve had enough of dysfunction. Mine and hers.

[formflier]

I think I understand what Sunflower meant... .and I think you missed it.

Sunflower... please correct if I missed your point.

Grieving is (in my opinion) about what you have lost, not what you have never had.  (offhand I would call that "yearning"... perhaps others can find a better word)

  The sadness of never being with her has haunted me for years. Y

RF... .can you focus on what you DID share with the Other Woman?  You obviously found some things attractive.  And... .all relationships have hopes and dreams that go undone.  Sure... .some r/s have less and others have more.

Can you focus on the experiences you had and that you obviously miss?  Sit with that a while.

Said another way:  Much of your posts (to me) seem like "I was almost there" or "almost to the end of the journey" with the OW... .and if you just reached out one more time or crafted a well worded reply... .it would push you over the line.  

Can you shift your thinking and grieving to what you actually had?

FF

[Mutt]

Hi RomanticFool,

I want to sit with happiness and joy and peace of mind. I have been addicted to melancholia, to sad songs, to reverie, to thwarted hope, to disorder, to abuse, to her manipulation. I no longer want it

I’ve had enough of dysfunction. Mine and hers.

You want change. I completely understand. Seize this opportunity and do it.

[RomanticFool]

Formflier,

I didn’t miss her point at all. My answer to sitting with grief is that I feel I have already done that. In a sense I have moved on because I’ve been grieving the r/s for years. There was very little I actually had with her that was fulfilling in anyway except for some wonderful nights of passion and a head full of fantasy about how this beautiful woman could be mine. She never was and never wanted to be mine. That is the truth that I am facing up to, so rather than avoiding grief, I am transitioning out of the grief stage into the change that Mutt has mentioned.

I’m doing a piece of work at the moment where the issue of wasting time in life is a running theme. I have allowed many years of my own life to be spent yearning after somebody who was never going to be available to me but kept me hanging on just enough to get her ‘supply’ when she needed it. I have been a fool, a romantic fool. I knew it back then and I am now finally taking the action to change. I don’t want to waste another day in sadness and grief.

[Skip]

You might just want to celebrate its life, like one does as a funeral, and then place earth on the casket. Give her a good memory of you. Frame in your own mind a good memory of her. Let that be the ending to this chapter in your life.

End the push and pull.

RM, you kinda blew by my suggestion to celebrate.

My ex was a magical person. She really was. She loved deep and hard and when that was on the upswing it was great. When in was in limbo (where you have been for a long time), it was frustrating. I tried to make it work, but my emotional IQ was average at best, hers were impaired, and we couldn't make it work. It was 4.5 years.

I think fondly of the good times. I let go of any resentment and my wounds. She is married now and I'm proud of her for settling down with a good man. It was a colorful chapter in my life... .one with some great memories.

Everything in life has a self-life. We all lose what we love. We can live in the loss or celebrate the gain.

Our choice.

[formflier]

I didn’t miss her point at all. My answer to sitting with grief is that I feel I have already done that. 

Hmmm... .have you sat with the grief about what you had and lost>

Or... .was your grief about "what you came close to"?

It's clear in your writing (to me anyway)... that you are and possibly "have" (as in put it behind you) dealt with what you "thought it could be"

.I'm not seeing much if anything about what you actually had.

Do you see nuance there?  What are your thoughts about what you actually had?  What are your feelings about that?

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

(Always happy to have my thoughts expanded on... .cause I can seem too brash at times so gotta truncate my darn output, srry)

We cannot grieve a relationship or a loss... .
When we are also clinging desperately onto
Hope/renewal

One must FIRST accept LOSS.
... .Irrevocably

Have you radically accepted that the ex is no longer something you will ever want to pursue again for the rest of your life?  Have you completely shut that door?

Think of a couple whose child has been kidnapped a year ago.
They are still, understandably, frantically clinging to hope that one day their little boy will be recovered... .and reunited to them.

Now turn your thoughts to think of how different it would be to grieve this type of loss compared to the parents... .
... .whose son was shot instantly and they have a body to bury... .friends to gather round and pay respects and talk to about their loss, etc.

[Sunfl0wer]

Fyi... .
Ruminating and staying stuck in sad thoughts... .
Is not the same as grieving.

This is where lessons roun here help.  Some members find working with the tools and lessons... .helps one ... just sayin.

FF got it right tho... .Missing what you will never have/yet long for... .IS different than acceptance of who you and she were, and grieving what you actually lost.

The difference is radical acceptance.

You are grieving the magical thinking.

You are missing the RA.

Once you find RA... .
Only THEN can you begin to grieve the loss of this woman and what she meant to you and your life.

It will not be an event.  It is a process.  There are many aspects of this experience to grieve.  Many layers.  One first must put down the magical thinking tho... .or you will remain stuck forever longing for what is not even real.

... .I learned all this via members guiding me AND doing the work on the right side of this darn site :P

[Cromwell]

Hi Sunflower and thanks, insightful stuff.

I agree with you, I had to come to that stage, even during my NC I still hadnt completely discounted that i would see her again and I think your right, I couldnt get over it, still a lot of ruminating.

Now that I finally decided to move on, i feel already a huge burden removed. There is also anxiety linked to keeping the door open, whilst on on the one hand hoping to have more good times, there is the memory of the drama. Once acceptance that no longer going to open the possibility of encountering either again, I feel I can distance myself away and see the relationship for what it was, rather than ruminate.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sometimes I feel “outing” myself may help folks grasp where I am coming from as often my message may otherwise be heard more harshly/or less easily digestible... .

I post here, and in general speak on such topics... .because I also am processing my own grief.

My own grief is tied into loss.  Loss of my birth mom, my foster mom, magical thinking hope of recieving love as a child.  My hopes for love... .have been transferred onto my lovers.

I am “slow”to process grief, and frankly any emotion, .  Sadness tho is a struggle for me as I fear I can get trapped in it forever and forget my skills to toggle outta it.  It scares me.
My own dissociative disorder means that my healing journey happens in fragments of general forward movements... . bumps and backslides, but continuous forward momentum.

I am personally less inclined than someone else to remain trapped in my sadness.  I am no better than anyone tho... .just that I am MORE inclined to dissociate away from my sadness... .get distrated in work, or other functions in life and may easily “forget” and leave sadness behind.

So... .just outing my bias and where they begin and end.
I see the issue of being trapped in ones sadness... .maybe an opposite issue of my own.

However, maybe the way one would work this puzzle out is where the two diverge?

What I mean... .I am thinking out loud here now... .
Is... .what is RF grieving?
Is he in fact effectively grieving the loss of this woman?
Are his very behaviors outside of this forum and also within it... .assisting him to grieve?

Why would he be trapped in grief?

... .just thinking out loud here
(If ya tell me I’m too “hijacky” ... .am happy to back off... .am trying to be productive tho)

[formflier]

It will not be an event.  It is a process.  

And does it ever really end?  Perhaps the character of the loss changes over time.

I can remember when I was younger and things happen that were sad or there was a loss... that I needed to "do" something to honor that and then move on.  I think I was erroneous in thinking that it was over... or could be over.

I've noticed that I "bump into" those losses now, many times unintentionally,  when memories come up that are "close" or in some other way associated with a bit loss.  Now I seem to pause... .appreciate what I miss or enjoyed about a person... and then move on.

FF

[RomanticFool]

Thank you all for your input. I respect and am grateful for your advice. However, I need to be honest with you all: I am angry. I’m angry at her, I’m angry that I have to come on here and bare my soul and be corrected about how I feel or how to deal with the situation.  I don’t feel much like eulogising or ruminating or grieving what we had or didn’t have. This woman took me to the brink of self destruction. I see that now. She kept back and forth into my life lying, manipulating and deceiving me when she knew full well that she was never going to be available to me. What I really feel towards her right now is disdainful disrespect. I have allowed her disordered way of doing things to affect my life in a very negative and damaging way. I feel like I have woken up from a long slumber.

You all know what she meant to me. However, at this point in time I feel it was of no value whatsoever because it was predicated on a lie. The lie that there was some kind of long-lasting r/s in there. It has never been a r/s. It has been a ‘supply’ for her BPD needs. That is all I have been to her. She was my North, My South, My East and West... .which is why I am a fool.  I was lost in a fantasy world. The harsh reality is that she was and still is nothing more than a ghost. A promise of something that could never be delivered. So I can grieve her all I want but the fact of the matter is she has never been there. It’s like Westworld. I’ve woken up from what I thought was a lovely dream but was in fact a nightmare.

[Harley Quinn]

RF, anger is GOOD.  It means you are grieving.  This is but one stage in your journey forwards my friend.

How grief passes through us: The Five Stages of Grieving

Denial- This is when we and our partner are on different page about our commitments to the relationship. This stage is filled with disbelief and denial.  Often in this stage we are engaged in relationship struggles and are expecting our partner to respond in the way that someone in a relationship would respond. However, they are in a very different, less caring place.  We are confused, hurt, put off by their behavior.

Anger- Anger often the reaction to being hurt and/or fearful, and helpless to do anything about it. The greater the loss, the greater the reaction. Anger is a very complex part of grieving - many of us stumble in this stage with either unhealthy anger (misdirected, trapping) or no anger (no release).  We need to determine why we're angry and focus our feeling on the true issues - if not, anger can imprison us.

Bargaining- Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

Depression- After all of the denial and the anger and the bargaining have been done and we realize that things really are starting to end and we become depressed. We fell helpless and powerless and overwhelmed with sadness about the loss that we are experiencing.  This acknowledgment often starts the serious process of us trying to understand what happened.

Acceptance- Acceptance is a final stage when we have finally sorted out what happened, accepted it and are more interested in moving forward than looking back. Acceptance can take a lot of time and a lot of processing. It involves understanding the situation, understand our role / understand their role, understanding what can be learned, and letting go / moving forward. 

Note: Each person mourns a loss differently.  You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes during the bargaining stages we recycle the relationship. Or an event will trigger us to experience one of these stages again - like hearing your ex-partner is to remarry.

Be with the anger.  Process it.  Post about it.  We're listening.

Love and light x

[RomanticFool]

I also want to add, that the thing that has finally tipped the scales, is that I haven't seen her for 17 months and her way of doing things is to still push me away. This time when I have done nothing. She has been a counsellor for a suicide prevention charity for a number of years, we are both in AA and she has just completed a psychology course aimed at becoming a professional counsellor. She really should know better. I don't care if she has BPD or BPD traits or whatever, with all of the knowledge and insight she has one would hope there would be a shift in her behaviour. Absolutely nothing. She is behaving no differently from how she did when we met 16 years ago.

I have been an a-hole to her at times, I admit it. But in this last year I have tried really very hard to change, to make things easier in her world or at least not to be an irritant or a trigger to her. I haven't pushed her to meet or pestered her about any aspect of her life. I have tried to stopped doing the pushing away thing myself because we were stuck in a loop of despair. From her I see no change at all. This is what I find the most perplexing part of the whole saga. She is not an unintelligent woman. Even if she cannot always stop acting on her impulses one would have thought she would at least have some kind of awareness around them, and at least acknowledge that her behaviour is not right. But, as is typical with disordered people, there is no light, no acceptance, no responsibility for anything but just self-justifying blame. This goes way beyond any r/s we have or haven't had. It now comes down to human decency. If she does not want to value another human being then she can be on her own. That, in a sentence, encompasses the tragedy of a disordered mind: They will always push away those who love them. She even knows it herself. She used those exact words to me a few years ago when she came out of rehab. Now, it is not good enough for me that she uses her BPD as an excuse. She needs to start doing something about it. We both know she won't.

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Harley,

I have been processing anger ever since I met her. I remember the first time we slept together, I was in a daze of confusion because the very next day she pulled away. I thought I had met an interesting but flawed woman who could become something important in my life. She didn't return my texts for a few days and then was monosyllabic and curt. In those days I wouldn't put up with it and just went about my business. I didn't allow her to get a hold of me as she has now, in the first phase of the r/s because I was too streetwise.

I am specifically angry that she tracked me down years later, after I had the good sense to let her go from my life, and told me she had changed and had always cared about me. That is specifically the source of my anger. I am also angry at myself for letting her in. It was all because I wanted to sleep with her and look what it has all led to. I have always known I had an obsessive mind and I had previous history to suggest that if I slept with her her I would become fatally attached. That is precisely what happened and 6 years of my life has been lost to limerence and reverie. It is not fair on me or my wife - ultimately the ex has suffered too.

[RomanticFool]

One final thing on the nature of loss and grief: This is a subject I know a lot about, since I lost one of my brothers when I was 22. He died of epilepsy at the age of 17. That is a grief that shook me to my core and which I have processed over the years and still affects me with its sadness. I dealt with it and have wonderful memories of my brother. My mother died round about the time that I met the ex and I dealt with her loss in the same way that I dealt with my brother’s. I grieved and processed it and I have wonderful memories.

The ex is something else. How can I grieve for what has hurt me so much? I had a few wonderful stolen days of pleasure. The rest of the time I’ve been dealing with her indifference, criticism, lack of care, unreliability, passive aggression, abandonment of me. How does one see the good among all that pain and suffering?

The real question is why have I been so fixated on her for so long? She is an ideal woman, a trophy wife physically, a woman I admire in terms of her job and the way she takes care of herself physically... .but the rest is a dark chasm of disorder.