Does this sound like BPD? NPD?

[childhoodgone]

BPDs often reverse their breakups,while NPDs almost never reverse their breakup?
I saw this written in a 2013 post from this board, by a senior member.

Also that most people that we say they have BPD, that they would actually have NPD (Narcissistic Personality disorder). That is confusing, and I will value your help.

How would you say a girl who does the following is:

- cutted herself many times in the past - has been hospitalized after overdoses - has a weird attraction for extreme horror movies with demons, possesions, satan - has been elected Miss of her HighSchool (the most beautiful girl in her highschool) - she is giving herself 150% in bed when having sex, she wants brutal sex, prefers anal sex and extreme sex - masochist stuff that I cannot even describe here - has been very violent towards me, her bf at least 6 times in different months, at a point being at a high risk of leaving me blind after hitting me with knives over my upper part of the face - she does claim things as "all men are monsters and rapists and they must be exterminated" - her plans for the future include mainly getting plastic surgeries and liftings, although she is young and has no need for that (I would guess this is an indication of NPD?), but then again she is already very beautiful but she considers herself not enough beautiful so she has a low selfesteem (BPD?) - she prefers solitude generally, running about 10 km per day every day in the nature - prefering places where there are not many people, and prefering time solitary with small cute animals, makes me think that she cannot be very NPD, as a narcissist would need the validation of masses of people, and to be popular in public? - since childhood she watched many executions, decapitations and dead bodies, on the dark part of the Internet, and this gave her a rush of adrenalin that became a daily routine addiction for her - she was regularly drugging herself with large amounts of codeine while she was in highschool, twice she ended up hospitalized after overdosing herself - she emotionally blackmails me often saying "Make me lifting and plastic operations or I break up with you!" (this would point out towards her being Narcissistic?) - talks for hours about scary things like for example she explains why she wants to kill all children that have small heads, because they are not completely healthy, and that even her mother was afraid of her when she told her that - her mother was 20 years old when she gave her birth, and before her she had instant abortion of fetuses, she says her mother took large amounts of medicines in order to have a succesfull birth

Thank you very much for all your thoughts and ideas

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[babyducks]

Hi again childhoodgone,

Also that most people that we say they have BPD, that they would actually have NPD (Narcissistic Personality disorder)

That is confusing, and I will value your help.

Let me see if I can shine some light on this for you.

Mental illness exists on a spectrum, on a range, or scale of very severe to some characteristics.    All of us are somewhere on the scale of mental health.    Just as the same is true for physical health.  Some of us are very physically healthy and could run a marathon, some have trouble getting off the sofa.

Just like with physical illness, mental illness share symptoms, traits and behaviors in common.   If you have the symptoms of a cough, fever, and sneezing it could be the flu, or it could be allergies, or it could be a cold... .it all overlaps.

the same is true in mental illness,   the symptoms, and traits can over lap.    BPD and NPD overlap.   they are very close in behavior.   hard for even experts to tell apart.    they are both personality disorders on the B cluster.    and they are often spoken about together, as a pair so speak.

does this help?

'ducks

[childhoodgone]

Yes

I posted above some symptoms that she exhibits, bad abusive behaviours that I was almost always
either ignoring hoping they will go away (they didn't)
and also characteristics of her life.

Can as many opinions as possible from you to tell me if she seems to be more BPD or more NPD?

Thank you very much

[babyducks]

Can as many opinions as possible from you to tell me if she seems to be more BPD or more NPD?

None of us here are experts.    Professionals have trouble with this diagnosis.

I got here because I was once where you were.    dealing with some one who had abusive and chaotic behavior and no ability to regulate it.   

 my experience was that my partner had traits of both.    at first it felt important to me to know if she was really BPD or NPD and that did help some.     what was actually more important was to look at individual behaviors like:

- cutted herself many times in the past

and to try and understand what was going on and what it all meant.

'ducks

[pearlsw]

Hi childhoodgone,

I think baby ducks gave you some great insights and I would echo those.

Many of us here have undiagnosed partners, we just deal with the behavior as best we can.

I must admit you have listed some pretty extreme sounding behaviors. Has she or is she seeing someone for her mental health?

I'm no expert, but her obsession with death and dead bodies and her mentioning of "wanting to kill children with small heads" seems worrisome to me just a regular person. Do you think she would act out on any of her obsession with death and killing? Has she killed anything that you know of? Pets or... .?

Does she pressure you to engage in sex acts that you are uncomfortable with?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[childhoodgone]

I must admit you have listed some pretty extreme sounding behaviors. Has she or is she seeing someone for her mental health?

I'm no expert, but her obsession with death and dead bodies and her mentioning of "wanting to kill children with small heads" seems worrisome to me just a regular person. Do you think she would act out on any of her obsession with death and killing? Has she killed anything that you know of? Pets or... .?

Does she pressure you to engage in sex acts that you are uncomfortable with?

wishing you the best, pearl.

She was hospitalized 1-4 times before the age of 18, in a mental hospital, after overdoses and after passages of paranoia that lasted for days.
She was describing the paranoia passages that she was watching TV for example and she was convinced people on TV are talking about her.

But afterwards no, she did not go for psychotherapy, she refused completely to accept the diagnosis "impulsive borderline disorder"
and denied it violently, refusing to remember it or discuss it

She did not kill pets as far as I know, and at this moment I do not live close to her anymore.
We are in a pause.

Yes she pressured me few times:

- two times she very violently pushed things towards my anus, I never thought she is capable of such dominating force,
repeating that she will only show me how it feels to be raped, because I have to know

- other times she pushed herself into me to have sex, and was angry and repeating "I can feel only brutal sex, I want brutal sex, otherwise I feel nothing!"

Because of this I feel very bad, and very guilty , because I feel was not satisfying her needs, but I was just so afraid of her that
I was not able to last more than few short minutes.

The amount of guilt and depression that I feel because of few things, is overwhelming: that I did not give her the "brutal sex" that she requested, and
because of this there are high chances for her to have sex with other people who have more muscles than me,
and that I didn't know about this forum board, to come here one year ago, and maybe now things may have been better, not so degraded and scary

[childhoodgone]

I keep on blaming myself and feeling very guilty and bad almost every day for few things, and I will value answers or some form of reassurance, things which some of the main ones I will describe here:

1.I feel overwhelming guilty and in a deep hole
for having ignored for last year completely that she is borderline impulsive (which she violently denies it despite the psychiatrist diagnosis),  and I was just rationally explaining her facts usually (obviously it never worked)

2.I feel overwhelming guilty and in a deep hole for not being able to inspire her to really stop her violent and conflictual outbursts

3.I feel overwhelming guilty and in a deep hole for falling in depression due to the constant extreme insults, bullying, agressivity that she subjected me in the last months.

4.I feel overwhelming guilty and in a deep hole for not predicting myself accurately that reality doesn't matter for her,
and she is capable of making actual false accusations publicly towards all her friends and family

5.I feel overwhelming guilty and in a deep hole for not predicting how bad I would feel this week, after the 31th or so
breakup that we have (the previous 30 or so breakups, she reinitiated contact after few days)

6.I feel overwhelming guilty and in a deep hole for not saving her somehow or repairing her illness - I tried hard
by giving her almost all the time to spend with her that she requested

I said "no" to her one time last week that I cannot continue shopping for shoes with her, and from then on
she was only extremely hateful, very angry at me and making actual false accusations

Rational side of me tells me all these things were impossible to achieve without BPD psychotherapy or BPD knowledge tools,
but emotional side feels guilty and very much down to the ground.

[Enabler]

To very much simplify things I differentiate NPD and BPD's Narcissistic traits by the following logic:

NPD - I am better than you therefore I deserve exceptional treatment.

BPD - I am broken, I have extreme emotional hurt and I NEED to do whatever I can to stop that pain.

One is a perceived entitlement to their wants, the other is a perceived entitlement to their needs.

There is often a core injury to BPD, maybe the core injury is illustrated by her desire to hurt you and see others hurt. Do you know what that event could be?

[childhoodgone]

Then it seems she is a BPD until 22 years old, and then in the last years she started to migrate and become more and more of an abusive NPD... .
by running daily very many kilometres (so doing sports)

I have no idea if that is even possible

She wants to see hurt only me, as long as I was still strong and resisting.

However seeing my weaknesses or me in a weak state only disgusts her

[babyducks]

Hi childhoodgone

I feel overwhelming guilty and in a deep hole

You describe things very well.  I understand exactly what you mean.    Calling it a deep hole is very smart.   You are doing a great job describing difficult stuff.    Let's talk about it.

for having ignored for last year completely that she is borderline impulsive (which she violently denies it despite the psychiatrist diagnosis),

My ex was diagnosed bipolar 1 and borderline.     She accepted the bipolar 1 diagnosis but not the borderline diagnosis.   Borderline personality disorder has a stigma attached to it.    Even in the mental health community many people look down on people with BPD and treat them poorly.    There is a lot of shame attached to it.    and people with BPD (pwBPD)  have a disorder of shame.    my ex would never ever say the word borderline.   she would tell people she was bipolar.   that's a pretty normal reaction.

I was just rationally explaining her facts usually (obviously it never worked)

childhoodgone - we all did this.    and we all did this over and over again.  if we took a survey of all the members here every one of us would raise our hands.   I did this.    before I learned about BPD I often tried to explain the logic of things.    and it almost always made things worse.   Nobody, and I mean nobody comes into this world equipped with the information about mental illness and about how to respond in better ways.   It's something we all had to learn.    and learn by trial and error.

for not being able to inspire her to really stop her violent and conflictual outbursts

many of us are care takers or care givers by nature, that's the way we are wired.   we want to help and we feel badly when we can't or don't.    that's natural for us.    you did the best you could in difficult difficult circumstances.    I can tell how hard you tried because of the effort you put in here,  writing careful and thoughtful posts.    responding to violent outbursts is hard.   especially the violent outbursts of people we care about.

for falling in depression due to the constant extreme insults, bullying, agressivity that she subjected me in the last months.

you are in the right place.    we understand.    there is absolutely no way possible that you could have been subjected to abuse, trauma and stress AND not be depressed and feel like you are in a deep hole.   your body keeps score,   it will react to the stress and trauma.    it sucks.   I know it's hard.    I know that even knowing this is a normal reaction to what you lived through doesn't help much.    keep talking to us.    as odd as it may seem, writing it all out,  telling us about it will help.    just the act of writing things down will help to lessen the stress.   okay?

for not predicting myself accurately that reality doesn't matter for her, and she is capable of making actual false accusations publicly towards all her friends and family

what accusations did she make?  and when?    how are people responding?

for not predicting how bad I would feel this week, after the 31th or so breakup that we have (the previous 30 or so breakups, she reinitiated contact after few days)

childhoodgone - you are describing here a pretty serious level of destructive behavior.   that's a lot of breaks ups.   there has been a lot of dysfunction in your relationship.     feeling emotionally devastated is how we all felt when we wrote our first posts.    we are here for you.

I feel overwhelming guilty and in a deep hole for not saving her somehow or repairing her illness - I tried hard by giving her almost all the time to spend with her that she requested

I am going to advise you to do something that will seem odd.   maybe even foreign.    all that effort you put into saving her, repairing her?  turn it around and aim it right back at yourself.    take care of you!   you need it right now.     are you eating?   real food not junk?   are you sleeping?    are you getting outside for time to decompress?   maybe a little exercise?   

hope this helps
'ducks

[pearlsw]

Hi childhoodgone,

I would again like to drop in and emphasize something very important that babyducks has suggested, after her other wonderful insights.

This would be a great time in life to turn this around and put the focus on yourself. Making sure you are protected, safe, respected, understood, and cared for by yourself and perhaps others in your life.

How isolated are you? Do you have a therapist? Any family? Any close friends? You at least have us here, okay? Are you treating your depression?

take care, pearl.

[Enabler]

by running daily very many kilometres (so doing sports)

I too didn't the sport thing... .It's emotional control, it's a healthy way of controlling her emotions. The endorphins released when you do intense exercise give you a natural high and make you feel good. Also, when doing intense exercise the slow thoughtful part of your brain cannot function... .you essentially block out rumination (thinking about how bad a person she is) AND you get a runners high.

In a weird way she is trying to self soothe herself.

I never understood why my W said she NEEDED to run and cycle every day, almost like a compulsion. She's addicted to it and it soothes her emotional pain. SO... .she is still BPD, not NPD, she's likely not running because she deserves to but because she feels she NEEDS to.

Ask her how she feels after a run.

[Enabler]

This would be a great time in life to turn this around and put the focus on yourself. Making sure you are protected, safe, respected, understood, and cared for by yourself and perhaps others in your life.

I third that.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Focus on the things that you can change, and learn about the things you cannot.

[childhoodgone]

Hi childhoodgone

You describe things very well.  I understand exactly what you mean.    Calling it a deep hole is very smart.   You are doing a great job describing difficult stuff.    Let's talk about it.

many of us are care takers or care givers by nature, that's the way we are wired.   we want to help and we feel badly when we can't or don't.    that's natural for us.    you did the best you could in difficult difficult circumstances.    I can tell how hard you tried because of the effort you put in here,  writing careful and thoughtful posts.    responding to violent outbursts is hard.   especially the violent outbursts of people we care about.


I am going to advise you to do something that will seem odd.   maybe even foreign.    all that effort you put into saving her, repairing her?  turn it around and aim it right back at yourself.    take care of you!   you need it right now.     are you eating?   real food not junk?   are you sleeping?    are you getting outside for time to decompress?   maybe a little exercise?   

hope this helps
'ducks

Thank you so much for caring, your messages are warm and go to a place deep in my soul.

I am drinking a lot of water, I managed to sleep maybe 1-3 hours maximum per night this week,
I know that I should sleep more,
but this stressfull state I am in, with a high depression and
fear of the new world in which I am alone.

Her violent outbursts were happening approximately  15 times over the period of 7 years.
They didn't increase in number lately, but they increased in the level of insults being told to me, somehow she managed to find all the words that insult, belittle and humiliate me the most,
although they are almost never based on any reality

Is just like she saw weakness in me, and that I stayed with her, and she is deeply disgusted by weakness and she wants to test how far she can go in humiliating me with horrible insults

[babyducks]

hi childhoodgone,

I am drinking a lot of water, I managed to sleep maybe 1-3 hours maximum per night this week,

It's good that you are drinking a lot of water.   I know you are in a rough patch right now.    Not sleeping is part of that but it's also making things worse.    can you try to distract your mind?   watch something on television that might help you relax?    be gentle with yourself.

 

Is just like she saw weakness in me, and that I stayed with her, and she is deeply disgusted by weakness and she wants to test how far she can go

I think you are on to something with this.   Our friend Enabler said this in the other thread:

  pwBPD often like to have complete control over their partners, this serves a couple of purposes, complete controls means you wont abandon her, complete control means you will serve her NEEDS.

Often it feels like we are just an extension of them where they have minimal consideration of our personal and emotional needs. Sufferers often come across as very narcissistic since their primary focus is survival and meeting their own emotional and practical needs.

As the 'non' (person without the disorder) we often struggle to say "NO", "STOP" or "I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT", since their reaction is one that implies we don't love them, we're abusing them, we're harming them. it takes a lot of personal clarity (which is very difficult when you have been on the emotional rollercoaster for so long) to draw the line (boundary) and stick to it. .
 

Enabler got it 100% correct.   pwBPD function from a disordered idea that their very survival rests on your ability to meet their needs.   emotional needs and physical needs.    and they will test that over and over again looking for failures and cracks in your support.   

No one can meet someone elses needs all the time.   It's not possible.    no matter how hard you try.

here we talk about having boundaries in the face of that testing.     To say No and say it appropriately.    We work to establish healthy, reasonable boundaries.   It's a skill, just like learning another language.    the more you practice the better you become.

really childhoodgone I would suggest the first boundary is around your safety.  your safety is important.    hitting, attacking with objects, you know that is not something you should tolerate right?

if I understand correctly you are not together right now ?    but the relationship isn't over?    let me know if I got that correct.     we can help you say NO, STOP and not continue the argument.

what do you think?

'ducks

[livednlearned]

this stressfull state I am in, with a high depression and
fear of the new world in which I am alone.

We are here to walk with you, childhoodgone.

It can feel very lonely when a BPD loved one is not there. At the same time, do you feel safe?

Is just like she saw weakness in me, and that I stayed with her, and she is deeply disgusted by weakness and she wants to test how far she can go in humiliating me with horrible insults

You have a lot of awareness, and can understand something that is usually very confusing for people.

She may want boundaries more than she wants to degrade you, but in her illness she cannot pinpoint what it is she really needs and wants. For her, when she is extreme, eventually there is a boundary and things reset.

Is she usually tender when she reaches out to you after you both separate?

[childhoodgone]

She was hospitalized 1-4 times before the age of 18, in a mental hospital, after overdoses and after passages of paranoia that lasted for days.
She was describing the paranoia passages that she was watching TV for example and she was convinced people on TV are talking about her.

But afterwards no, she did not go for psychotherapy, she refused completely to accept the diagnosis "impulsive borderline disorder"
and denied it violently, refusing to remember it or discuss it

Yes she pressured me few times:

- two times she very violently pushed things towards my anus, I never thought she is capable of such dominating force,
repeating that she will only show me how it feels to be raped, because I have to know

- other times she pushed herself into me to have sex, and was angry and repeating "I can feel only brutal sex, I want brutal sex, otherwise I feel nothing!"

Because of this I feel very bad, and very guilty , because I feel was not satisfying her needs, but I was just so afraid of her that
I was not able to last more than few short minutes.

The amount of guilt and depression that I feel because of few things, is overwhelming: that I did not give her the "brutal sex" that she requested, and
because of this there are high chances for her to have sex with other people who have more muscles than me,
and that I didn't know about this forum board, to come here one year ago, and maybe now things may have been better, not so degraded and scary

Most of the time I feel guilty and afraid because I showed caring and weakness
and caring and weakness  most women  instantly feel that they are  very weak and unattractive features,
and men who exhibit these disgust them.

Weakness came from the falling health problems of my parents,
and from the sexually transmitted diseases infections that the BPDgf  gave me twice in the past,
and when she requested from me (animalic) brutal sex, I was not able to give her that, as I was afraid of getting infected again

[childhoodgone]

I need to be able to function, to not let my body fall apart. A strong cocktail of cortizol, adrenalin and other stress hormones
seem to modify my body , combined with the lack of sleep.

In 7 years I got used to her humiliations, her "you stink! you disgust me! don't talk to me!"

and then hours later

"my sweet sweet baby you sing the most beautiful songs in the world, can you sing again for me? let's watch little animals together!

will you make me plastic surgery you will be so proud of me you will have the most beautiful and girlfriend, so only benefits for you, and when I will feel beautiful I will want to have sex with you all the time!"

[pearlsw]

Most of the time I feel guilty and afraid because I showed caring and weakness
and caring and weakness  most women  instantly feel that they are  very weak and unattractive features,
and men who exhibit these disgust them.

Weakness came from the falling health problems of my parents,
and from the sexually transmitted diseases infections that the BPDgf  gave me twice in the past,
and when she requested from me (animalic) brutal sex, I was not able to give her that, as I was afraid of getting infected again

Hi childhoodgone,

Since you seem to have limited experience with women - your mom and this girlfriend who has not treated you so well it seems - let me just say this. Please, for your own sake, do not use either of these women as any kind of measurement of how women are and how you should or could be with women. Caring is not weakness. And her trying to dominate you, weaken you, is about her, not you. You get to be who and what you want to be, but it will take some support after all you've been through, to get to that healthier place.

When you say "animalic (brutal) sex" do you mean she treated you like an animal? Made you do dehumanizing things? She brutalized you in various ways? Has she tortured you sexually? I don't mean to push you, you can answer or not. I only ask because I want you to be able to speak your truth, if you feel the desire to. You don't have to carry shame and fear with you in life. In my opinion, from what you've already shared, this is something that will require some effort to recover from... .but I wish the best for you! No one deserves to be harmed or made to feel small in this world.  

Did she disclose to you about the STD's? Did she have multiple partner's while she was also sexually involved with you? Are you able to manage with the symptoms and protect yourself?

You've mentioned you are on a pause. When was the last time you saw or heard from her?

with compassion, pearl.

[childhoodgone]

And her trying to dominate you, weaken you, is about her, not you.

When you say "animalic (brutal) sex" do you mean she treated you like an animal? Made you do dehumanizing things? She brutalized you in various ways? Has she tortured you sexually? I don't mean to push you, you can answer or not. I only ask because I want you to be able to speak your truth, if you feel the desire to. You don't have to carry shame and fear with you in life. In my opinion, from what you've already shared, this is something that will require some effort to recover from... .but I wish the best for you! No one deserves to be harmed or made to feel small in this world.  

Did she disclose to you about the STD's? Did she have multiple partner's while she was also sexually involved with you? Are you able to manage with the symptoms and protect yourself?

with compassion, pearl.

I don't know about whom it is. I am the one having black nightmares of disintegration, I cannot focus at hardly anything,
I cannot eat and cannot really sleep.

She requested harder, brutal sex, so that she feels something. I dissapointed her because of my fear.

It hapenned just one time that I can remember that she attacked me and put her muscles and naked ass
over me screaming at me like she was possesed. She said she did this because I complained about the lack of sex lately.

One time in seven years almost every day together is not so bad.

Of course she did lots of other non-normal, very violent things,
but because she is/was beautiful, I never reported her and anyway I would have not have been believed anyway because she is a beautiful girl that attracts men's attention and care.

I took antibiotics 3 times because of her STDs. First time those were diseases taken from unprotected sex with two clients of prostitutes,
who gave her money so that she fulfills her fantasy of being a prostitute (this is how she explained it to me).

The other 2 times hapenned this year and lead to my fear. It seemed everytime we had sex more than 4-5 minutes, she was hurting my genitals and infecting again (redness, extreme softness and irritation). I feel guilty for my pyshical weakness

[pearlsw]

Hi childhoodgone,

So does (or did?) she work as a prostitute? Do I understand that correctly?

Sincrerely, pearl.

[childhoodgone]

Yes, she worked as a prostitute for few months, but she called it in a different way: "fulfilling my fantasy of having money being thrown at me after I have humiliating hard (sado-maso) sex that random older men want"

She insisted that all these fantasies could not have been fulfilled with me, because they have to be older (over 35 years old) strangers.
She said it was just a phase that passed.

She did not do that again I think.

However I did manage to sleep for a short period, but the rest of my health is falling apart too much.

[pearlsw]

Yes, she worked as a prostitute for few months, but she called it in a different way: "fulfilling my fantasy of having money being thrown at me after I have humiliating hard (sado-maso) sex that random older men want"

She insisted that all these fantasies could not have been fulfilled with me, because they have to be older (over 35 years old) strangers.
She said it was just a phase that passed.

She did not do that again I think.

However I did manage to sleep for a short period, but the rest of my health is falling apart too much.

Hi childhoodgone,

Do you feel sexually compatible with her? Do you feel completely used by her sexually? Was she working as a sex worker while you dated her?

There is a lot going on with her sexually, how do you feel about this?

Can you have the kind of sex life you would want for yourself while being in a relationship with her?

take care, pearl.

[childhoodgone]

Hi childhoodgone,

Do you feel sexually compatible with her? Do you feel completely used by her sexually? Was she working as a sex worker while you dated her?

There is a lot going on with her sexually, how do you feel about this?

Can you have the kind of sex life you would want for yourself while being in a relationship with her?

take care, pearl.

Most people give themselves maybe 15% - 40% during sex.

At the beginning of our relationship, she gave herself intensively 100% - 350%. I read that the women who have BPD are very good in bed,
but this was like from another level.

Yes, she was with me, and I found out later about this short period where she fulfilled her fantasy of being a prostitute, sitting locked in chains
to perform all sorts of unusual sexual acts with her clients.

I felt very hurt by what she did, but I tried to forget and not think about it, after getting cured with antibiotics from the first time infections she
shared with me after the clients of prostitutes. But this was past.

[childhoodgone]

Hi childhoodgone,

Do you feel sexually compatible with her? Do you feel completely used by her sexually? Was she working as a sex worker while you dated her?

There is a lot going on with her sexually, how do you feel about this?

Can you have the kind of sex life you would want for yourself while being in a relationship with her?

take care, pearl.

I think this is one of the hardest parts. I read the boards, many other people say
that the very high and intense sex drive of women who have BPD is unmatchable... .and that it is very hard to ever find this in other people... .

[pearlsw]

I think this is one of the hardest parts. I read the boards, many other people say
that the very high and intense sex drive of women who have BPD is unmatchable... .and that it is very hard to ever find this in other people... .

Hi childhoodgone,

Hope you are well!

Yes, it's hard not to notice such descriptions as they are so frequent around here, but what I would say is this... .balance that piece against all the other descriptions you hear and then make your decision about what you want to look for in a relationship partner and which qualities, which balance of qualities, makes the most sense for your life, ya know?

Also, as a non female who has had non boyfriends previously, as well as two partners with BPD traits, let me just say... .your sex life is what you & your partner make of it. It can be great, it can be dull, that's just how it is - it is at it's core about communication.

To my mind, it is worth finding a partner who makes you feel attractive and whom has a desire to make you happy, and then you get the joy of offering that in return. In a healthy relationship you work it out as you go and you get to feel comfortable, but again, it is all about communication.

There are also many stories here of people whose sex partners with BPD/BPD traits made sex very difficult, if not outright abusive. Sex gets withheld, used as a power play, and can become humiliating and insulting - none of that, in my book, is great sex.

What kind of sex life would you want to have? What is important to you in this area of life?

with compassion, pearl.

[childhoodgone]

There are also many stories here of people whose sex partners with BPD/BPD traits made sex very difficult, if not outright abusive. Sex gets withheld, used as a power play, and can become humiliating and insulting - none of that, in my book, is great sex.

What kind of sex life would you want to have? What is important to you in this area of life?

with compassion, pearl.

Thank you Pearl for reaching out.

Yes in 2017 but especially in 2018 sex was withheld on average 29 days per month,
and given just rarely maybe on average 1 (once) per month

BPDgf also often said "Buy me plastic surgeries, lifting, nose plastic surgery, and when I will look better I will want to have sex with you everyday"

[pearlsw]

Thank you Pearl for reaching out.

Yes in 2017 but especially in 2018 sex was withheld on average 29 days per month,
and given just rarely maybe on average 1 (once) per month

BPDgf also often said "Buy me plastic surgeries, lifting, nose plastic surgery, and when I will look better I will want to have sex with you everyday"

Hi childhoodgone,

And what was your response to this? Did you use your money to give her these things? And if not, do you think she'd have sex with you more if you did this? How do you feel about such a request? Her offering more sex in exchange for paying for her "dream" surgeries?

take care, pearl.

[childhoodgone]

I don't know.

Many times in the past, BPDgf did not keep  her promises, and did not deliver what she promised.

I did not buy her plastic surgeries.

But now I am considering doing it, although it is not easy at all to contact her - can you help with ideas and options?

[pearlsw]

I don't know.

Many times in the past, BPDgf did not keep  her promises, and did not deliver what she promised.

I did not buy her plastic surgeries.

But now I am considering doing it, although it is not easy at all to contact her - can you help with ideas and options?

Hi childhoodgone,

Do I understand you correctly? You are not in contact. Have you been clear about whose idea this pause was and how it came about? I feel like I am still unclear about this. Can you clear that up a bit please? So, you want to get in contact with her and offer to buy her plastic surgeries to win your way back into her graces?

Is that what you want to do? Buy her affections for you? If you buy her affections like this, do you expect a big change in her personality? Is this really what you want?

sincerely, pearl.