Undiagnosed partner abruptly left after declaring I was the love of her life

[allbymyself7]

I was recently blindsided by my (now ex) and  partner. She left me after almost 7 intense months together (long distance). She made me the center of her world - calling me her soulmate, her best friend, and the one she had been waiting all her life for. I had never been so adored or loved in my life. She continuously pushed me to relocate cities to be with her. In May, she had been under extreme amounts of stress at work and shut down emotionally and mentally. She had also decreased her anxiety and depression medication to half because she had wanted to lose weight. On top of it, she had not seen her therapist that month - which she usually does during stressful work months. When I went to visit her at the end of May, she was not the same person; she said she felt lost and was hoping to get back to her usual self around me. Instead, she was cold and detached and felt like she couldn't give the way she usually could. After a few days, her detached manner got to me and I told her I was going out for a walk alone. She accused me of abandoning her and was furious that I was potentially cancelling later plans with her brother in law. I ended up going to meet up with her and her brother and law, but she was upset. The next day, I did not feel good. She said she was going out to eat and offered to pick me up some food. I didn't want her to go out of her way, so I passed and said I would get my own food. She lashed out. I expressed (calmly) that when she doesn't get her way, she lashes out, she threw her keys toward me and told me she hated me. She then left the apartment. Later on, she told me she did not want to be with me and that something had 'shifted' for her the day before when I had gone for a walk to take a breather. I spoke to her and told her she was in a very dark place and taking everything that I said and did in a malicious way. She broke down, said I was right and wanted to make things work. In the last 2 days of my trip there, things were almost back to normal, and she was telling me she loved me and we were still talking about our trip plans. The day after I returned home, she made an emergency appointment with her therapist. The therapist told her to take time away from the relationship and to cut off communication with me. My partner was very upset and scared, but believed it was the right thing to do because she wanted to know why she behaved the way she did with me. She expressed she still wanted to make the relationship work but the therapist told her that I may not still be here in the end. This scared her. We did not speak for just over a week. When she called me, she was completely detached and not emotional. She said she was happy alone and that something had shifted for her and that the relationship was no longer working for her. She said she didn't think she was in love but she still loved and cared about me deeply and was still attracted to me. She felt as though she was meant to be alone. She also said she was not heartbroken by this and was excited to be planning trips alone (which I felt was cruel).
One week, she was excited at the possibility of me moving to be with her and she was still in love with me, and the next, it was if she dissociated the relationship never happened. Looking back, I can see there were some red flags (ie. I would be massaging my shoulder/neck/leg and she accused me of liking to touch myself more than her, she yelled at me in a public restaurant on a trip when i didn't know enough about her religion, she would have meltdowns if her hair/makeup wasn't perfect for events, she would ask me every time i got up to use the washroom where i was going, she got extremely jealous of me not including her in a conversation with one of her friends I was having, she had attempted suicide earlier on in life and had an eating disorder, her father had abandoned the family during her early teen ears, there is a history of mental illness in her family, she has had numerous unstable romantic relationships in her past).
I believe she has many of the symptoms of BPD, however when I brought it up, she thanked me sarcastically for the diagnosis.
I have only heard from her once since the break up, stating that she "unintentionally" unfriended me and that she didn't want me to think there was any maliciousness behind it, as she only thought of me with 'fondness'.

 I never, ever thought she could leave me. She spoke about marriage, having a child together, and building a life together continuously. She said I was the best thing that ever happened to her an that our time together was the best time of her life.
And now, she feels nothing. I truly believe she has moved on and completely detached, as if we never occurred.
I am beyond broken; the pain is insufferable. I feel as though I am in emotional trauma and, after a month, I do not feel better. I am constantly breaking down in disbelief that she could just up and leave without any emotion. I can't function, I barely sleep. I'm not sure if this could be PTSD?  

Any thoughts? Feedback? Does she likely suffer from BPD?

[PearlPark]

I too am in a similar situation where I believe my ex to have BPD. She isn't diagnosed with it, but the signs of it have become extremely apparent since she left. Looking back at the relationship, there are definitely signs, however the symptoms didn't manifest themselves fully until after she left me.

It can be extremely difficult to cope with a relationship ending with a pwBPD as they can be so intense. They'll make you feel like the most special person in the world, as if the universe had brought you two together for true love.
It's a fallacy, not because they don't love you, but that they cannot love you the same way a non can love. Love initially for everyone is that lovey dovey phase, where theres a chemical attraction to one another. The relationship early on is very intense, exciting and thrilling to explore, not to mention fun. However what comes after is true love, one where you start to have serious conversations about life. Making plans together, having disagreements, constructive arguments, compromising and being able to function as a team. A relationship with a pwBPD is difficult to maintain in this phase as their rational thought doesn't work like ours. They can be the most irrational people at times, with their disorders severity dictating the frequency and severity of their irrationality.
During my relationship, her irrational thinking came out very subtly, only ever being extreme once every 1-3 months. Since she has left, it's gotten so much worse. We were together for 4 years LDR, 4 months physically. We were planning on her moving to me, but the year proceeding had a lot of stuff happen. This put a massive strain on both of us, which was the catalyst that started her on her downward spiral.

Grieving these kind of relationships are difficult. I recommend speaking to a therapist and seeing a doctor if possible. Dealing with a breakup can definitely cause depression, as you've lost someone you really cared about and as well you're also going through a chemical withdrawal. Dealing with a breakup with a pwBPD can be harder, as our relationships with them can be super intense.
Seeing a therapist will help you by having a space to talk about these feelings. To be able to unload all your emotions, pressures, stresses and just anything that's plaguing your mind. Seeing a doctor will help determine if there's more to what's going on. He went through a check list, checking physical factors first and then mental factors. Physical was just a blood test, but the mental were a lot of questions. By the second appointment he determined that I had anxiety disorder and decided to put me straight onto anti-depressants. Although I had my misgivings at first, I've been taking them for 3 months now and it's done wonders.

So I can't recommend highly enough of going to both a therapist and a doctor.
I also struggled with the fact I only saw my therapist once a week and I didn't want to unload my crud onto my friends. So talking here is a great resource in being able to get a conversation going. I also recommend r/BPDlovedones subreddit which has a lot of support. I also use a website called 7cups which enables you to webchat with a volunteer called listeners. It took me a few listeners before I found someone that I felt was actually helping me. We've been talking since Jan and she has had such a positive impact on my healing process. I also urge you to find any organisations that provide phone services either for cheap or free. In my country there are countless organisations you can call up and talk to a therapist for free.

Keep your chin up and I hope everything works out for you

[Mutt]

Hi allbymysef7,

It can be extremely difficult to cope with a relationship ending with a pwBPD as they can be so intense. They'll make you feel like the most special person in the world, as if the universe had brought you two together for true love.
It's a fallacy, not because they don't love you, but that they cannot love you the same way a non can love. Love initially for everyone is that lovey dovey phase, where theres a chemical attraction to one another. The relationship early on is very intense, exciting and thrilling to explore, not to mention fun. However what comes after is true love, one where you start to have serious conversations about life. Making plans together, having disagreements, constructive arguments, compromising and being able to function as a team. A relationship with a pwBPD is difficult to maintain in this phase as their rational thought doesn't work like ours

I think that PearlPark articulated it well after the honeymoon phase of a r/s they start seeing the imperfections in the non-disordered partner, they'll idealize and put you on a pedestal in the very beginning and make you feel like you're a god then they will knock you off of that same pedestal I think that many of us get caught up in the honeymoon phase of the r/s because of how intense it is and once a pwBPD shifts and starts to show their true self over time we pine for the person that we met at the beginning of the r/s. A pwBPD want to be close, they want that intimacy they cannot sustain healthy adult intimacy, intimacy triggers the disorder.

I'm sorry that you're going through this  You're in the right place arm yourself with knowledge that's a big part of healing, understand why your ex acted the way that she did so that you can learn to depersonalize the behaviours. Also like I mentioned you don't have to go through this alone, understand that there are others that are recovering from a break-up with a pwBPD and there are some like myself that have recovered. I completely understand the pain that you are feeling it is intense and you feel the pain every minute of every day. To me it felt like people could see my wounds because I felt completely exposed, I felt like the wounds were all over the exterior of my body because I couldn't think about anything else.

PearlPark suggested a T it helps to see a T concurrently with a support group, are you seeing a T? What's your support network like? You have us do you have someone in real life that is non judgemental and open minded that you can talk to?

[allbymyself7]

Hi Mutt,

Thank you for your response and insight.
I will be seeing a trauma therapist on Wednesday for the first time (counselling just wasn’t working for me). It’s been 5 weeks and it feels so raw still. I think of her every waking moment - it’s torturous.

I’m unsure if she has BPD, but she displayed quite a few symptoms. She definitely did idealize me and told me I was the best thing to have happened to her.  We were building a life together and she suddenly shut down and essentially fell out of love, stating she couldn’t see a future together. She said she was sorry for making me think she wanted this all with me. She hoped I could move on. She said we had different approaches to life.
It was cold and cruel - but she didn’t devalue me. It was more, “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.
This happened within a week. I’m having trouble accepting the fact that a rational, healthy person can fall out of love so quickly and treat me as if I was a one week fling after declaring I was the love of her life during our entire relationship.

[Mutt]

Hi allbymyself7,

How was trauma therapy compared to counselling?

t was cold and cruel - but she didn’t devalue me. It was more, “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

Usually this means that there’s conflict been the mind and heart. There is something that can’t accept or goes against her values but she she still has feelings. Is there a reason that she couldn’t continue that you can think of?

[Wend1206]

My boyfriend of a year left me out of the blue almost s month ago. Literally days before he left he continued to talk about our life together... .how
Much he wanted to marry me, we were in the process of him
Moving in with me (his idea). I left to run errands... came home to him and all of his stuff gone. Now he begs to make up but the dysfunction is just too much. I’m broken hearted because I loved Him more than anyone I have ever dated, but there is some sense of relief that the chaos is over. Broken hearts can heal... .broken minds and spirits are much harder to fix. Stay strong... you deserve a healthy relationship!

[allbymyself7]

Hi Mutt,

The trauma psychologist confirmed that she has traits of BPD and NPD, which gave me a sense of relief, as I’ve been taking her leaving me very personally.

Last week, I broke down and contacted her in a very weak moment. I felt like she was seeing someone else. I told her I was hurting. That she was able to detach because I didn’t fit the picture perfect vision she initially had of me.

She said that people fall in and out of love, but it doesn’t mean they are terrible or mentally ill. She also said she was sorry for making me think she wanted a life with me. She said that she had loved me but couldn’t see a future together because we had different approaches to life.

I’d have to agree with her on the last part; I don’t abuse the people that I love. I don’t go from wanting to marry someone to feeling nothing for them over night. I don’t control, belittle, throw things, or say hurtful things to the people I love.

This woman had always put be on a pedestal and told me I was the love of her life... .that life was so much better with me in it.
In a matter of a week, it all changed.
The only thing I can think of that would have made her doubt us is that she was a high achiever and I’m more laid back and at a crossroad in my career. She became quite controlling, constantly asking if I had done my errands, applied for jobs in her hometown etc. If I didn’t do what she asked in an appropriate time, she became disappointed in me.
I feel like this may have played a role in thinking our approaches to life were different.
I also feel that when I had left for a walk to take a breather, she felt like I was abandoning her and that something ‘shifted’ for her.
There may have been a few contributing factors to this, but I do know that it doesn’t make sense to have someone so invested one moment, and then the next, be completely detached and disinterested.

[allbymyself7]

She also continues to look at the pictures/stories I post on Instagram, which is quite confusing, since she is so detached and cold. And, especially since I expressed how angry and hurt I was that she betrayed me and my trust.
She went from loving me like I’ve never been loved before, to complete apathy. It’s almost as if she doesn’t recal the feelings she felt or expressed to me when we were together
It’s like she’s perfectly fine not having anything to do with me. There’s no heartbreak or empathy.

[patientandclear]

In all likelihood, most of the time she probably doesn’t recall those feelings. This seems to be a characteristic of BPD emotional processing, explained very well in an article called Fragmented Selves: Temporality and Identity in Borderline Personality Disorder by Thomas Fuchs in Psychopathology. (This forum has guidelines about citing research so to be clear, I’m not citing this as authority, just found it conceptually useful when trying to comprehend how someone could actually not have emotional continuity, the puzzle that the OP is struggling with.)

The fact that it has a scientific explanation doesn’t make it any easier to live with in real life, but it may help to de-personalize and accept, to understand that this does really happen and it is outside of the realm of conscious choice.