My mind is spinning and I need some help

[DogMan75]

My boundaries have been crossed. I know it’s done. I couldn’t take her back and respect myself. I know all this.

Still, I am hurting so much, I find myself trying to find loopholes, imagining possibilities in the future, trying to leave some window unlocked. It’s interfering with my detachment process, it keeps my wounds open and raw and I know I’m deluding myself. My mind wanders and always wants to find a way. My capacity for hope is extending my misery, though intellectually, I know it’s done.

What do I do? I’m doing all the right things. I’m eating right, I’m going to the gym, I’m pursuing other interests, I’m getting my life together, but these thoughts keep entering my head. Are my boundaries really my boundaries? Am I assigning too much importance to the wrong values? Am I making a mistake that I won’t be able to take back? Do I need to make this decision right now? Are these legitimate questions or just rationalized expressions of want, rather than reality?

I am plagued by doubt. The intellectualizing is spinning me out of control.

I know this probably seems like a post better suited to the ‘Conflicted’ board, but I’d rather hear from the side of the fence I think I belong on. That board always leaves me with more questions than answers, which has it’s place, but it’s not what I think I need right now. That said, I would really like to hear from anyone with anything that they think they can add, regardless of if it is just more questioning (oh god) or not.

I am really struggling here and I feel like this is getting worse, not better.

[Mutt]

Hi DogMan75,

I am plagued by doubt.

It has to cause a lot anxiety if you're doing everything that you can to heal and you're feeling doubt. It sounds like emotionally you want something that you have lost back and logically you know that the best thing for you is to end the r/s. I think that feeling conflicted or not knowing what you want is normal.

My boundaries have been crossed. I know it’s done. I couldn’t take her back and respect myself. I know all this.

What was the deal breaker for you?

[Donalith]

I'm sorry to hear the trouble you're having with this and I can empathize. I have that issue every now then (the mental spinning, I mean) and I find that meditation can really help. I know, it sounds hokey. I just know it's helped me before, to focus on one spot and regulate my breathing and don't try to stop the questions in your mind but try to relegate them to the background while you focus. Let your subconscious have a crack at sorting it out for you.

Hang in there,
Donalith.

[once removed]

sometimes it does feel worse before it gets better. that was the case for me. its easier to see it now, but i believe its all part of the grieving process (and it is progress in and of itself). it really hurts. the only way out is through, and all of that.

believe me. i know it seems trite. things really do get better. time doesnt heal all wounds, but it does take time to lessen the immediacy and urgency of the pain.

do you want to walk through the questions, doubts, what ifs? we can help with that, but it sounds like youd prefer not to go into that territory at the moment.

[DogMan75]

What was the deal breaker for you?

After our breakup, we remained in almost constant contact, where she maintained that she only wanted to be with me, had gone on “dates” but hadn’t “slept with anyone or been intimate with anyone in any way”, and that she “couldn’t be with anybody else”. I was clear that I would like to try again but she hadn’t yet improved, she was clear about her desire to reunite as well. We texted almost every day, sometimes for hours. The conversations were sweet, intimate, loving.

The breakup had been in Nov. On June 1, she disclosed that she had a one night stand in January with a guy she picked up on Bumble. In March, she began an ongoing “fling” that “meant nothing” that continued through June (and may be continuing now). All the while lying to me while I lived in this fantasy world where she was devoted to me and working on herself.

She says we were broken up, she was single, and that she thought there was no hope of reconciliation, but that’s clearly not true. She was being intimate with me, lying to me and sleeping with other people.

Now she says it was all a mistake and that she regrets it, but it was months of lying. I love her but can’t trust her. That’s unworkable.

[DogMan75]

do you want to walk through the questions, doubts, what ifs? we can help with that, but it sounds like youd prefer not to go into that territory at the moment.

Maybe I would. Maybe just running them down with some third party perspective would be helpful.

[DogMan75]

I'm sorry to hear the trouble you're having with this and I can empathize. I have that issue every now then (the mental spinning, I mean) and I find that meditation can really help. I know, it sounds hokey. I just know it's helped me before, to focus on one spot and regulate my breathing and don't try to stop the questions in your mind but try to relegate them to the background while you focus. Let your subconscious have a crack at sorting it out for you.

Hang in there,
Donalith.

I don’t think that sound hokey at all. I think it’s a great idea. One of the coworkers I’m on with tonight frequently takes meditation breaks -maybe I’ll ask him about it.

[once removed]

Maybe I would. Maybe just running them down with some third party perspective would be helpful.

we can do that if youd like. it would be a topic suited for Bettering though.

[Harley Quinn]

I love her but can’t trust her. That’s unworkable.

If you value honesty and believed that you were being told the truth all that time only to find out that she lied that has to really hurt.  Are you now questioning whether your value is right or wrong? 

Can you tell us what you feel in your body when you think about the lies?  Where does the sensation occur?  I'm interested to know if there is a difference in how you feel when you think about trying for reconciliation by moving that boundary?  Our hearts and minds can play tricks on us, but our bodies rarely do.  I know when I'm having a boundary violation when I feel uncomfortable inside.  I ignored that feeling when I was with my ex, many many times until all I felt was discomfort and unease all of the time. 

When you look at the Lessons, which stage do you think fits best what you're going through right now?

I don’t think that sound hokey at all. I think it’s a great idea. One of the coworkers I’m on with tonight frequently takes meditation breaks -maybe I’ll ask him about it.

It's great that you're open to meditation.  I practice mindfulness and can highly recommend it.  There's a lot of guided practices online and also MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) courses available.  I've taken two over the years.  Happy to tell you more about how it can help if you'd like more information.

Love and light x 

[Roler]

I am plagued by doubt. The intellectualizing is spinning me out of control.

I am really struggling here and I feel like this is getting worse, not better.

This is something that I recognise very well and went through myself as well and reading your words makes me feel the despair and deep sense of helplessness again when I was what felt like surrendered to the battle between mind and heart. I sympathise deeply with how you feel but write here to let you know this will pass eventually and it could be an active process in an unexpected way.

From a rational point of view I'd see things one way where my heart would scream the opposite, I tried rationalising things to bits, only to be confronted by my feelings that would almost say the opposite, leaving "me" torn in the middle. I felt I didnt have the capability anymore to make any sound decision and was only drawn back to what had been so great, so intense, so " meant to be" and  "what I needed"... .her.

The ruminating thoughts were there, always, literally every minute of the day. I sometimes wonder how I have been able to get anything else done given the amount of attention my mind gave to the situation I was in. It was when I physically and emotionally had reached my boundaries of what I could manage that I was willing to try anything to make this situation stop and looked further than what I had looked for  till then.  I opened up to what helped me getting control back over my thoughts (which was mentioned above as well); mindfulness attention direction

It has several ways it can work for a person, and I know it may sound a bit fuzzy and floaty if you hear the name mindfulness (I'm not a fuzzy floaty kind of person), but it is not. I'm not an expert of can explain everything involved with it. But what it proved for me to be, was a way of starting to get some control over my thoughts, the emotions they gave me and eventually started to make me feel I could control how it influenced me and how I could process the thoughts in a good way. With that awareness, it started to give me a tiny bit of control back and slowly but surely I have since then been practising it more and more. Sometimes harder to do then at other times, but just the absolute relief I started to feel when I noticed I could "break" the ruminating thought circle, made it worthwhile to further explore. Initially it was for maybe only seconds at a time  but that already truly felt like taking a breath of air after holding my breath under water for too long. Those seconds became minutes and now there are sometimes days in which I can notice it has maybe become an hour at a time. A few months back I would not have thought I could ever get to such a point of not overwhelmingly think about her and "us". I'll be honest in saying that I am not a person who'd look into mediation if it wasn't for the dark place I had ended and the desperation to get out. I learned desperate times need desperate "revisions of the toolbox"

Besides the break in mindstream, it also started to form the base of realising that you and your thoughts are two different things. Your thoughts and the emotions that arise from them can be incredibly overwhelming and you feel you're being lived by them. But part of mindfulness makes you aware of the thoughts and as such lets you become aware that you can pay attention to them, let them in but also to let them go. Resisting the thoughts will only make things worse. It is the moment you start to feel that it is you who can decide where the thoughts go, that you will feel they are no longer "all but threatening". It is when the dark clouds in your head start to dissolve and you can start to see a way out of the situation.

It could be something that may work for you, going by your words you're willing to try anything to help you out and this may even be something that will extend into the future for you.
There is a lot of info on this, and different ways to do this. If you want to try, find one that suits you. If you want, I can help with what I know. I'm self-thought in this, but I'm sure there are many experienced people out there that can help person-to-person.

I sincerely feel your pain and struggle and wanted to add my experience in what helped me on the road to start recovering, to add some hope to your situation, as it did to mine.

[Cromwell]

Hi Dogman

My mind stopped spinning when I came to the absolute no going back decisive decision that my ex would be a part of my past and nothing more. Im starting to do much of the stuff you are doing, working out, doing my own things and Im left with very little residue of thinking about her anymore, rather than relating to what you are going through now, I was doing for far too long. As long as there is some hope, latent or otherwise, that I could somehow still fix in some way, what had already became irreversibly broken in the relationship, I was not free from these conflicted thoughts.

It sounds to me as if you have got one part of the strategy going well, but there is a part of you still trying to hold a door open with the experience that it led you to as much hurt as it did happiness.

I notice these past few days as the first time I have seen you downbeat in your posts, all the others seemed like you were upbeat, positive and looking forward to new opportunities in your life. I recognise the same happened to me just with a small reengaging contact with my ex, it took me about a month to get back to where I was, so I just went NC again and feeling really good again. This re-contact for me at least is like ripping off a scab and the wound is exposed again.

I dont think you would be going through this much 'rationalising' if you truly believed that your boundaries have somehow evolved to accept the behaviour she has done, its clear that she has passed them and the gulf between your values and what you are pondering about trying to accept is too vast. Do you really want a relationship that has any meaning that you truly yearn for, if it would be one based on the other partner going elsewhere whenever she felt like it, lies, and you doing the same? I doubt it.

I think this has just surfaced because of her contact and has caused your healing a slight disruption, your instinctive thought was to vent off that pressure back at her, thats important sign, has deep meaning from your intuition and happened for a reason. I think you will find your peace when you make a 100% no going back commitment, then the mind knows that there is no point in rationalising, there isnt any point in it anymore. Once they have you reeled back in, they arent interested anymore, you know the cycle and you know you are breaking out of it. It truly is hard to do, but doing the right thing usually is. Strong body and mind Dogman, the two need to work together.

[DogMan75]

we can do that if youd like. it would be a topic suited for Bettering though.

No, just thinking it through -still think I’m in the right place. Just looking at perspectives.

[once removed]

okay

My boundaries have been crossed. I know it’s done. I couldn’t take her back and respect myself.

these are important, sober, and honest perspectives.

those, and similar expressions youve made about things like her dishonesty are all valid reasons to follow through on a breakup. they dont necessarily preclude some self doubt, but they are pretty hard to argue with.

is her dishonesty the most important reason to you? if not, what is?

[DogMan75]

If you value honesty and believed that you were being told the truth all that time only to find out that she lied that has to really hurt.  Are you now questioning whether your value is right or wrong?   

When you look at the Lessons, which stage do you think fits best what you're going through right now?

Oh, I know my boundary is legitimate, I’m not truly doubting that: it’s just an example of of the intrusive thoughts that are playing havoc on me at the moment.

As for what stage I’m in? Ask me again in five minutes. I think I’m in one, then I’m in another. I’m cycling all the time.

[DogMan75]

Hi Dogman

My mind stopped spinning when I came to the absolute no going back decisive decision that my ex would be a part of my past and nothing more. Im starting to do much of the stuff you are doing, working out, doing my own things and Im left with very little residue of thinking about her anymore, rather than relating to what you are going through now, I was doing for far too long. As long as there is some hope, latent or otherwise, that I could somehow still fix in some way, what had already became irreversibly broken in the relationship, I was not free from these conflicted thoughts.

It sounds to me as if you have got one part of the strategy going well, but there is a part of you still trying to hold a door open with the experience that it led you to as much hurt as it did happiness.

I notice these past few days as the first time I have seen you downbeat in your posts, all the others seemed like you were upbeat, positive and looking forward to new opportunities in your life. I recognise the same happened to me just with a small reengaging contact with my ex, it took me about a month to get back to where I was, so I just went NC again and feeling really good again. This re-contact for me at least is like ripping off a scab and the wound is exposed again.

I dont think you would be going through this much 'rationalising' if you truly believed that your boundaries have somehow evolved to accept the behaviour she has done, its clear that she has passed them and the gulf between your values and what you are pondering about trying to accept is too vast. Do you really want a relationship that has any meaning that you truly yearn for, if it would be one based on the other partner going elsewhere whenever she felt like it, lies, and you doing the same? I doubt it.

I think this has just surfaced because of her contact and has caused your healing a slight disruption, your instinctive thought was to vent off that pressure back at her, thats important sign, has deep meaning from your intuition and happened for a reason. I think you will find your peace when you make a 100% no going back commitment, then the mind knows that there is no point in rationalising, there isnt any point in it anymore. Once they have you reeled back in, they arent interested anymore, you know the cycle and you know you are breaking out of it. It truly is hard to do, but doing the right thing usually is. Strong body and mind Dogman, the two need to work together.

Nailed it.

I have been doing well -until I saw her June 1st. I was a mess for a week, then started to get better. Then, she started contacting me last Sunday, I managed to ignore her until Tuesday night, then re-engaged, now I’m a mess again.

I know I can’t accept this relationship as it is -I couldn’t accept it in November when it wasn’t this bad, I most certainly can’t now. I only reconsidered reconciliation when I was being mislead about the facts and her progress. Actually getting back together is not on the agenda.  

What makes it so hard is that I still love her, and as ___ed up as she is, she still loves me too. I want to be with her, but I know that I can’t. She wants to be with me, but she doesn’t know how to. So, I end up fighting against what we both want because I know it’s the right thing, even as my heart screams in protest.

I’m having a hard time closing that door, though. I don’t want to say “never”, but I definitely have to say “not now”. The problem is, I know how very unlikely it is that she ever recovers to the point that this is workable. I know that I can’t help her get there. I have to let go, knowing that I am, in all likelihood, letting her go forever. It is the most pain I have ever experienced.

Everybody I know can tell when I’ve been talking to her now, ever since my rude awakening on the first. Every time I speak to her, I go right back there, and I can’t get on with my life like that, and truly getting on with my life is what I need to do. I realize I have to go NC, in order to simply function. LC hasn’t been working for either of us. We both crave the contact, but it’s not healthy. She needs to work out her growth on her own, and I need to work out mine.

Who knows, maybe someday she’ll be one of those success stories. She’s young yet. She’s been doing DBT. Maybe she will. Maybe I’ll get a phone call in two or three years and she’ll be in a place where we can try more productively. Sadly though, I know the math says otherwise, and I can’t plan my future around a lottery ticket.

  



 

[DogMan75]

Is her dishonesty the most important reason to you? if not, what is?

It is. I’m obviously none too fond of the quitting on actually trying to repair our relationship and immediately sleeping with other people, but we were broken up. It hurts me deeply, but I knew that was a possibility when I pulled the trigger.

The lying though: there’s no working with that. As long as she’s painting me a fictional picture, I can’t possibly be working in reality -there’s no hope of actually rectifying anything. I was living in a fantasy world of her design for months.

It also shows me that her primary coping mechanisms are still lying and denial. I’m trying not to take it too personally, because she is far and away the biggest victim of these maladaptive coping strategies. I am just collateral damage.

I am also realizing that my presence in her life at this stage, though well-intentioned, may not be the most beneficial for her either. She needs to hit rock-bottom to really be motivated to evolve. She may well still feel like she still “has me” to some extent, and to some extent, she has, and does only because of successful use of these short-sighted, but immediately effective maladaptive strategies. I even worry that in becoming so angry with her when she finally told me the truth, that her takeaway may be, “Well, maybe I should have continued the lies.”



 

[once removed]

The lying though

do you mean the lying about seeing other people or is there more?

[Zemmma]

I feel this today too. I am also doing the same (self-care, no contact, la la la) but right now I know life is worse without him and I am sad and still shocked he is gone (again). I was happier in the relationship than I am out. Always. For me its that he keeps disregarding my feelings. Keeps leaving me and being unkind. And accusing me of things I never did. And being constantly negative and frankly, cruel. He can't see past himself to me. He has now burned the bridge.

I get what you mean about hope and puzzlement. Your mind will continue to puzzle until it fully comprehends that this is over. This kind of puzzlement happens in grief. The mind will give up when it finally realizes there is no going back. But... .

... the loved one lives and breathes and the brain knows it. You struggle because the brain is able to think of ways of going back. And when you are sad you rationalize. I have to ask my friends "why can't I contact him again... ?"

I have tried something that has been somewhat effective against my weakness and denial. In my stronger moments I have recorded a long rant into my phone, reminding myself of all the reasons why I can't go back. In these recordings I am strong and angry, or assertive. My logical self knows that this relationship is not only bad for me, but actually impossible. He won't let me have the relationship I want. So I am my own 'big sister.' I listen to these videos and go, "Oh ya. Right. He did do that. I should be angry." It is great to hear the sound of my own voice sounding so determined. And intelligent. And angry, and somehow deserving of something better. I know I would never recommend this relationship to my little sister or my daughter. So there I am, standing up for myself. Protecting myself. Reasoning with myself. Worth a try?

[DogMan75]

do you mean the lying about seeing other people or is there more?

Well, that is what I was referring to specifically. Need there be more? That’s pretty big to me.

[Cromwell]

Hi Dogman

Dont worry, just see this as a little blip in the recovery phase, it seemed to me like all the previous posts Ive read from you were upbeat, positive,  and this contact just got you into a momentary tailspin. You have strong values, you cant rationalise these away, this is where I believe the conflicted thinking comes into play. I did the same, I thought - how much I liked my ex regardless of the cheating that I could shelve my core values and even sleeping with her friends, I thought it would be a way, psychologically, to keep the relationship going. It did, but it never took away that nagging feeling of the relationship not having the meaning, or the substance to it, that I was looking for.

Listen to your intuition, you also managed to get a bit of the frustration off your chest by texting her, in my view - at least if I did the same to my ex - it wouldnt keep her away, she would brush it off as my being in a bad mood and the fact I gave her that attention, meant I still had feelings, still cared to an extent. Ive literally told my ex that I would kill her, then the next morning was having breakfast with her and everything was perfect as if nothing had ever happened.

Ive taken your lead, been doing a lot of fitness stuff, its been a great form of distraction but body and mind have to work together, and I made a decisive decision that regardless of these strong feelings, my boundaries were crossed and that really just represents "day X" of no return. The fact it took me 2 years of extra time, I cant change but I finally got there and each day feels, well, great to be honest. No more rumination, no more looking into the past (whats the point?), but a feeling of confidence that I will meet someone more suited to me in the future.

I hope you dont feel down about the recent events, I know how it feels, it is like a scab being torn off a wound that is healing. The only thing that has worked for me is going complete NC, sticking to it, and as each day of "out of sight, out of mind" kicks in, it does get easier. When trust is gone in any relationship, the future get togethers will never be the same, or whatever the initial hopes for the type of meaningfulness just cant be recovered when that line has been crossed and a sense of betrayal we have to carry as well as suspicion.

The only advice I can give is to realise that youve dealt with this encounter, shrug it off and recontinue on the path you were on. Strong body and Strong mind need to work in synergy with each other.

[Mustbeabetterway]

DogMan75,

I wrote a post last night, but couldn’t post it so maybe that’s a sign to edit it .  Sorry you are going through this

[DogMan75]

DogMan75,

I wrote a post last night, but couldn’t post it so maybe that’s a sign to edit it .  Sorry you are going through this

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[DogMan75]

I have tried something that has been somewhat effective against my weakness and denial. In my stronger moments I have recorded a long rant into my phone, reminding myself of all the reasons why I can't go back. In these recordings I am strong and angry, or assertive. My logical self knows that this relationship is not only bad for me, but actually impossible. He won't let me have the relationship I want. So I am my own 'big sister.' I listen to these videos and go, "Oh ya. Right. He did do that. I should be angry." It is great to hear the sound of my own voice sounding so determined. And intelligent. And angry, and somehow deserving of something better. I know I would never recommend this relationship to my little sister or my daughter. So there I am, standing up for myself. Protecting myself. Reasoning with myself. Worth a try?

I haven’t been recording into the phone, but I have been doing something similar. I am an optimistic person and I have a tendency to focus on the good. Generally, I think this is a beneficial trait for me, but in this circumstance, it’s not serving me well. When I start going down the rabbit hole of the missing her, I try to remember all she actually put me through, beginning to end.

It was really so toxic, when you look at it as a whole. Sometimes I’m shocked I put up with it as long as I did. I’ve got my problems, sure, but I’m a pretty healthy person on the whole and I have a strong sense of identity and well-defined core values. I don’t tolerate anyone else’s nonsense to even a fraction of what I endured at her expense.

Somehow, this woman who I loved in a way that I couldn’t previously even have imagined, was actually, on paper, the worst girlfriend I’ve ever had. If I look at the facts, wow, how did I accept that? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not beating myself up over it, but it’s just really surprising coming from me. The answer is I always knew she was mentally ill, I was devoted to her, and I was determined not to give up on her. I thought of her as my wife within a week of meeting her. Was I going to give up on her because she was sick? Hell no. I’m digressing though -this is for another post.

Facts. The facts add up, and they aren’t pretty. I just need to focus on those when I start feeling all fuzzy. Facts over feelings, feelings aren’t facts.



 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hey there,

I want to share with you what I have been working on.  I have read that breakdowns herald breakthroughs .  Like you, I have been feeling broken down.  

[Mustbeabetterway]

2nd part of my post - not sure what’s happening with my iPhone.

 We cannot heal emotional wounds with logic.  We cannot reason it out.  Believe me, I have tried to make sense of the issues in hopes of finding an answer that would allow me to stay or go with resolve.  

I believe the breakthrough will come when we accept that there is no resolution with someone who does not want resolution.  We have to look inside of ourselves and heal our own wounds by showing up for and loving  ourselves enough not to accept the unacceptable.

I hope you are feeling better!  Keep up the selfcare.  I agree with others that this is a setback that’s temporary and you will come away even stronger.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[Cromwell]

Apologies, I had the same issue as Mustbe, I posted last night but it didnt seem to go through so it looks like Ive went into double-speech .

My perspective toughts about my ex tend to change every single day, not radically, but its almost as if parts of the jigsaw fall neater into place. If  I would have described all the stuff my ex did that has made the relationship unworkable, they lay person would most likely say "oh, shes just a cheater" or dishonest, a fraud, that type of thing. I wouldnt be on this board if that was the case, there is the disorder and it becomes more evident to me post-relationship processing then I could make sense of it whilst I was with her.

It has in some ways given a whole load of empathy and understanding, yet at the same time, has made it in some ways harder for me to walk away. Her last texts were very much affectionate but also of the "save me" characteristics, very hard to walk away as I am torn between seeing it as manipulative or a form of crying out for help from a person who may, or may not genuinely love me.

My ex wont hit rock bottom, there are plenty of people available to keep her above water, enable her, but like you said, it is just a case of taking myself out of that equation, hoping the best for her future and nothing more. It is a selfish action, it goes against my nature, but its one of these challenges life throws at you where very difficult decisions have to be made, throwing emotions and love into the mix makes it even the more difficult.

Im probably just stating the obvious here, but sometimes I feel it helps to. Id like to also mention that as soon as I left, I was surprised that within a month she had got herself a job and from last I saw her, completely surprised she is actually doing - better - in the sense of appearing more self independent. This is part of what you mention about taking that enabling safety net away, sure she probably is being guided by some enablers but when I left she realised that she had to do something quick to replace the safety net she had down as a "sure thing". Ok shes not living a quality of life that I hoped she would have had being with me, but it did show me that I had a lot of anxiety and worry for nothing. Just reiterating what you said about "hitting rock bottom" as an impetus towards your ex finding a way towards getting better, I think its a really important one.

[DogMan75]

It has in some ways given a whole load of empathy and understanding, yet at the same time, has made it in some ways harder for me to walk away. Her last texts were very much affectionate but also of the "save me" characteristics, very hard to walk away as I am torn between seeing it as manipulative or a form of crying out for help from a person who may, or may not genuinely love me.

Empathy and understanding, I have. Control over her behaviors or the situation, I do not. My choices have been reduced to a binary: in or out. I can’t do in. Not like this. So it’s out. It’s just so terrible to understand exactly what’s happening, yet remain so powerless to alter the outcome. It is truly tragic. In my case, I know she loves me, but her attendant behaviors are intolerable and getting worse. It’s not manipulation, it’s a total lack of executive control.

My ex wont hit rock bottom, there are plenty of people available to keep her above water, enable her, but like you said, it is just a case of taking myself out of that equation, hoping the best for her future and nothing more. It is a selfish action, it goes against my nature, but its one of these challenges life throws at you where very difficult decisions have to be made, throwing emotions and love into the mix makes it even the more difficult.

Im probably just stating the obvious here, but sometimes I feel it helps to. Id like to also mention that as soon as I left, I was surprised that within a month she had got herself a job and from last I saw her, completely surprised she is actually doing - better - in the sense of appearing more self independent. This is part of what you mention about taking that enabling safety net away, sure she probably is being guided by some enablers but when I left she realised that she had to do something quick to replace the safety net she had down as a "sure thing". Ok shes not living a quality of life that I hoped she would have had being with me, but it did show me that I had a lot of anxiety and worry for nothing. Just reiterating what you said about "hitting rock bottom" as an impetus towards your ex finding a way towards getting better, I think its a really important one.

My ex is very high functioning, just finished her masters, has a great job. No one outside of an intimate relationship with her would ever imagine her internal life. She’s a beautiful woman, in a major metropolitan area, with a Bumble account. She has an endless supply of fuel.

I don’t see her hitting rock bottom anytime soon.

[DogMan75]

I believe the breakthrough will come when we accept that there is no resolution with someone who does not want resolution.  We have to look inside of ourselves and heal our own wounds by showing up for and loving  ourselves enough not to accept the unacceptable.

I hope you are feeling better!  Keep up the selfcare.  I agree with others that this is a setback that’s temporary and you will come away even stronger.

Thank you, I am feeling much better.

As horrible as all this is, it really does reveal an inner strength you can’t ever really be sure of until you’re tested. I had always wondered if things got this bad, would I just knuckle under and accept anything she did in order to keep her?

Apparently not.

I didn’t really think I would, but there is a little comfort to be found in discovering you really are as strong as you think.

[Roler]

... .you really are as strong as you think.

Or is it stronger than you think?

Much like many others here, I've found myself in a situation I could never have even realised the existence of. The deepest emotional abyss I've ever come across in my life so it seemed.  And yet I found a way that leads me back to finding myself back again. I think once someone gets through what many of us here are going through, it will you stronger. And maybe regarding more than you now may think

I'm glad you are able to feel better, Dogman

[Cromwell]

Also glad to hear you are feeling better Dogman, there is always going to be the inevitable road bumps to getting through this but its not going back to square one even if it feels that way at times. A little progress and a dose of willpower each day becomes cumulative. I think your on a good track by the sounds of it.