looking for freedom from guilt

[mettagirl]

Mom has undiagnosed BPD. I have spent a lifetime trying to prop her up from feeling alone, ashamed, unloved, disrespected, etc.  Yet she continues to see everyone is against her.
I am tired. Trying to separate and feeling the push and pull inside of guilt of abandoning her and the need for sanity.

[zachira]

You have come to the right place, as there are many people on this site who are/have been asking the same kind of questions you are about how to deal with the guilt of abandoning your mother and/or limiting your contact with her while recognizing your need for a separate more balanced life. My mother has BPD and it hurts to no end not being able to meet her unreasonable demands and inability to see me as a separate person from her; yet for my own sanity, I have to do everything I can to not let her guilt me into taking care of her while ignoring my well being. It is a long hard yet worthwhile process to take time to separate your feelings from the guilt feelings your mother regularly inflicts on you. You will find freedom from the guilt. Can you tell us more about the relationship you have with your mother? Are you living at home or nearby? How are you different from your mother? Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to support you and to listen.

[Harri]

Hi mettagirl and welcome to the board!  As zachira said, many of us can relate to the push and pull of guilt.    Having a pwBPD (person with BPD) in your life can be exhausting mentally and emotionally. 

Are you familiar with the BPD behaviors that can be so troublesome in a relationship?  We have lots of resources I can refer you to if you want to learn about BPD.  I don't mention so that you can help your mom, as you really can't, but understanding the behaviors and how most of the time she isn't really seeing you can make a huge difference in terms of taking on guilt and responsibility for helping her.  Knowledge helps depersonalize the behavior, sort of external it so that you can work on detaching from the Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt. 

How are you with boundaries?  Have you tried them?

I din't want to keep hitting you with questions so I am going to stop here.  Just know we have lots of articles we can refer you to as you post more of your story. 

Again, welcome to the board.  This is a great place to share with people who get it and can offer support and understanding as you try to work out a healthier way of interacting with your mother.  I can be difficult but it can be done.  You don't have to do it alone.

Take care.

[Learning2Thrive]

Welcome mettagirl! 

You’ve been given some good ideas and info already. I’m looking forward to learning more of your story. Until then, here’s a bit of info that might be helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307#msg1064891

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi mettagirl,

How are you doing? I hope you’ll pop in and update us when you feel like it. We’re here to listen and support you. We really do get what you’re going through.

Take good care of you,

L2T