How do you handle their reaction to perceived slights?

[CMJ]

Hello all,

Long story short, back in September I told my BPD friend that I felt a little jealous that we weren't able to arrange much socially because of the unsocial hours I work. I had the same conversation with several other people too, and everyone was empathetic except for one person. No prizes for guessing who! She called me selfish and then proceeded to pretty much ignore me except to wish me luck for a job interview and a wedding I was photographing.

Fast forward to October and I wake up one morning to a message advising she'll never contact me again, and I'm blocked everywhere.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt... .so I leave her to it, she's done this before and always returned eventually.

I send her a Christmas card and present, no response but I have seen a picture she posted with the card I sent displayed with others she received.

We bump in to each other at work a few months later, I smile and say hello, she mumbles something and disappears as fast as she can.

Last year (2017) I commissioned an artist friend to paint a picture for my BPD friend's birthday. For a variety of reasons this didn't arrive until April 2018. I send it on, again no response.

It was her birthday last month so I sent her a card and a gift. This time I get a text thanking me, but also saying I should stop getting her things. We had a brief chat about it and it turns out she thinks I called her a narcissist.

Now we've never discussed narcissism. However, around October I did have discussions with several other people who were dealing with someone displaying narcissistic behaviour. It piqued my interest and I made several posts on Facebook regarding it. I didn't mention names, or that I was experiencing it, merely that I found the subject interesting.

So it's my assumption that she thinks one of these posts was a dig at her.

The strange thing is that when she sent me the text after her birthday she also unblocked me on Whatsapp. Seems a bit weird to me to open another line of communication with someone if you don't want to hear from them.

I left it for another 2 weeks and sent her a Whatsapp explaining everything (does it count as JADEing if you don't do it when immediately accused of something?). It was read but not replied to, and I'm still unblocked.

And that's where we are today. I'm feeling ok about it all, just a little confused. Her words (leave me alone), don't match up to her actions (opening lines of communication). It's just hard to know how to handle being accused of something you haven't done.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

And that's where we are today. I'm feeling ok about it all, just a little confused. Her words (leave me alone), don't match up to her actions (opening lines of communication). It's just hard to know how to handle being accused of something you haven't done.

Hi CMJ,

Hopefully others will join us here and share their thoughts. I haven't had an experience quite like this, but I have been cut off before by my SO.

Sorry to hear about the confusion you are having regarding your friend's reactions. This can indeed be confusing stuff! There is a lot here to read that can begin to unveil insights into this.

Sounds to me like, yes, she is leaving a small channel open. I imagine it is hard for a lot of people to shut down lines of communication entirely, BPD or not.

I think if you've laid out your case for not having slighted her than you have done what you could. She may or may not be back in contact. I wish we could know because that is where a lot of pain comes for so many of us.

My SO, in the early years, completely stopped talking to me for about a month and a half. It was sudden and unexpected, totally confusing. I wrote, texted, called and got no replies and couldn't understand how he could do that. I don't think he blocked me on Skype, but the app was different back then, maybe he was never online.

Maybe she thinks that you see something in her that makes her feel very vulnerable?

Aside from not buying her any more gifts has she said anything about never contacting her again?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[isilme]

I'm feeling ok about it all, just a little confused. Her words (leave me alone), don't match up to her actions (opening lines of communication)

"I hate you - don't leave me!"

I just had my H accuse me of expressing annoyance he needs additional medical testing.  he was actually projecting HIS feelings of annoyance at needing additional medical testing, plus a fear I'd not accompany him.  Did my best, avoided JADEing, and tried to be validated as far as letting him talk a bit.  Was mindful of things that also would be upsetting to him, and tried to not take it personally. 

In answer to your initial question - I handle it carefully.  Their perceptions are often skewed in ways we can't really conceive of.  Just read through a lot of posts about how we've managed to somehow "tell" our pwBPD that we hate them, we don't think highly of them, we don't love them, we are embarrassed by them, we like hurting them, we like confusing them, we lie to them. etc.  From their shifting, feeling-based reality, it all makes sense to them.  To us, based on our memories of conversations, it makes no sense at all. 

So it's my assumption that she thinks one of these posts was a dig at her.

Likely.  As the BPD-center of the universe, all things start and end with them - not trying to be ugly at all, but really, they have little room in their heads for considerations outside their own painful emotional states.  Also, bear in mind, BPD and NPD are buddies.  A lot of the "symptoms" overlap, and BPD has a touch of NPD, and vice versa.  So, a discussion where maybe 60% might make her feel like it describes her, is obviously about her, right?

For now, if you want to remain in contact, remain in contact.  She can always block you if she wants to, and I find the only way to move forward from this kind of misunderstanding is to really just move forward.  You won't get anywhere talking directly about it.  maybe a conversation of, "wow, so my buddy was talking about NPD, I found that interesting as a topic.  Don't think I know anyone like that, tho.  What about you? "

[CMJ]

Maybe she thinks that you see something in her that makes her feel very vulnerable?

Aside from not buying her any more gifts has she said anything about never contacting her again?

Hi Pearl,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I suppose it's a possibility. I've spoken with another friend about this, and they theorised that maybe someone's accused her of narcissism before or a counsellor has brought it up.

The initial message I received from her was "I'll not be contacting you again, and I trust that you'll not contact me. Just FYI". She's done this before so I know to give her space and the occasional reminder that I'm still here, hence the gifts for Christmas and her birthday.
Other than that she hasn't said to not contact her. I found her word choices a bit wishy washy regarding the gifts too. She said I should stop getting her things, and that she'd prefer I didn't. Not positive responses, but it also doesn't come across as a firm stop either. To be clear I'm not planning on sending her anything further, I just think the words she used indicate some indecisiveness. Especially when coupled with the fact that she displayed my Christmas card on her shelf. Why would you do that with a gift you weren't pleased to receive? I don't particularly get on with my manager, she gave me a Christmas card and it went straight in the bin

So, a discussion where maybe 60% might make her feel like it describes her, is obviously about her, right?

For now, if you want to remain in contact, remain in contact.  She can always block you if she wants to, and I find the only way to move forward from this kind of misunderstanding is to really just move forward.  You won't get anywhere talking directly about it.  maybe a conversation of, "wow, so my buddy was talking about NPD, I found that interesting as a topic.  Don't think I know anyone like that, tho.  What about you? "

Hi Isilme, thanks for your reply.

Oh, I'm no stranger to everything being about them 

TBH I'm not sure what I want right now. I don't really have anything to say to her, and I'd rather not be ignored further so haven't even messaged a friendly hope you're doing ok. At the end of my message explaining the situation I told her to block me again if she must. She hasn't, so must be aware that the possibility of future contact exists.

[Chosen]

Her words (leave me alone), don't match up to her actions (opening lines of communication).

Hi CMJ,

I haven't gone through what you have, but regarding the above discrepancy on actions and words, I've had that a lot.  What I think is, she would like to communicate, BUT on her terms, i.e. see what you have to offer.  And there's only one thing she is looking for: validation.  If your response doesn't "hit the sweet spot", so to speak, she will shut you off again. 

Re the gift thing, I've had that a lot!  It's super confusing.  I'd buy my uBPDh something he says he wants, and he will seem happy, say thanks, then just completely disregard it (brand new in box style).  Or he will display it, then when he dysregulates he will say "you think that by getting me xyz you're being nice to me?  You're wrong!".  Even when he claims to love a certain gift, he will just put it somewhere the sun don't shine.  I think the lesson for me is not to buy gifts anymore, but maybe I'm a sucker for disappointment -_- What I think is, the pwBPD appreciates the gift, but somehow it doesn't "snap" them out of their dysregulation, or doesn't change their perspective of you (still painting you black).  Therefore they give out such confusing responses.

[CMJ]

Soo there's been some developments. I'll try to keep this short but knowing me it won't be

So, my friend had left me unblocked on Whatsapp. My artist friend had been asking what my BPD friend thought about the picture she created for her at my request. Seeing as I was unblocked I figured it might be ok to ask.

I started my message with a little humour as that's worked in the past. I said something along the lines that seeing as I'm not blocked maybe I'm not up there with Stalin, Hitler and the Devil after all. I then proceeded to ask what she thought of the picture as the artist had wondered.

She replied that she'd just forgotten to re-block me (nice huh?), and that she'd liked the picture. She then sent another message a few minutes later saying the picture looked a lot like her dog.

I replied to that saying thanks, and I'll let the artist know. I was attempting to keep things neutral, light etc. I was blocked after she read that.

This angered me somewhat so I messaged her on Facebook asking her to block me on there too. I also messaged her on Instagram as I have an account she didn't know about, requesting to be blocked there too. My reasoning being that if she blocks me I have no option to reach out if I have a moment of weakness in the future. I know, I know, not the smartest or most mature thing to do.

She blocked me on Facebook (but only the messenger part), and did nothing with Instagram. This frustrated me so I wrote on one of her posts on Instagram pointing out that she'd said my gifts were unwelcome but that she'd actually put one on her shelf. I wrote that on the very picture showing it. Again, not mature, but at that point I'd really had enough of being ignored and invalidated, and was frankly feeling like calling time on the friendship.

I woke up this morning to an angry text (must admit I'm curious why she keeps my number) saying how dare I do that. That she'd never do anything like that to me (the post, not the hypocrisy). Curiously I'm still not blocked on Instagram though, and this is a person who blocked me after I told them I hoped their family had been unaffected by a terror attack in the city they live in.

Well I didn't hold back.
I told her how dare she accuse me of calling her a narcissist based on nothing more than her feelings and called her a hypocrite. I told her I was asking her to block me so I didn't try to reach out in the future and then asked her if she had any idea what it feels like to be discarded by someone you care about and all your good deeds seemingly forgotten (I even listed a load of said good deeds). I told her that I love her but I don't know if I can keep doing this as she's hurt me so much and doesn't show any remorse or empathy about it. I told her about the amount of time I'd spent trying to learn how to understand her after her Bipolar diagnosis (as far as I know BPD hasn't ever been mentioned), I even said I was thinking of walking away.

This is where things get foggy.

She then replied that the card she displayed in the picture I commented on arrived pretty soon after a suicide attempt, and was pre "what happened", and pre diagnosis. Nope. She told me she was diagnosed around this time last year and she blocked me in October. The card she displayed was a Christas card, obviously sent in December. So she's got her dates mixed up. She then acknowledged that maybe she's made this all about her but because she had to. And that I know she's grateful for everything I've done for her (certainly doesn't feel like it). She told me she doesn't need me, to save myself and leave her.

I replied asking why she'd never told me this before and why she pushed me away in such a seemingly spiteful way. That it felt like she was trying to make me hate her. I got no response.

Obviously I'm taking this seriously and don't want to push someone in such a state of mind, but holy crap, suicide? That scares the hell out of me. I'd be devastated if she'd managed to succeed. I've literally been useless at work today because I can't stop thinking about it.

But there's a part of me that can't help wondering if I've been played. I have no evidence of a suicide attempt other than her word and she still hasn't blocked me on Instagram. This is someone who's never been shy about blocking before.
And the fact she's gone quiet again makes me wonder if she's got what she needed from me.

It feels like maybe she's reluctant to let go 100% and the pushing away is just her way of saying she can't cope with me right now, but it also feels like she's got some attention from me to satisfy her ego.

I'm struggling to get my head around this.