BPD Sister has forbidden niece to see me.

[Venetian]

Hi.

My younger sister, who has BPD, has now forbidden my niece to have any contact with me.   My niece (I'll call her A) is 8-years-old, and is attached to me emotionally.   We text and FaceTime each other quite frequently when we are not together.   Over the weekend, I said something to her husband (whom she abuses verbally and emotionally) that her daughter overheard.   Unfortunately, I made a lapse in judgement; I should have waited until we were both alone before I spoke to him.  I was basically telling my brother-in-law about how tired I was of my sister abusing my ailing mother.   Anyway, my niece overheard and repeated these words to my sister (who I will call L).  So now, A is to have no contact with me whatsoever.   I am heartbroken, but more importantly, I am concerned about what impact this has (or may have) on A.   She is only 8 and cannot process things the way an adult can.   It's difficult for me, an adult, to deal with this.   I can only imagine the turmoil that A is in, as she is only a child.   Fortunately, A is smart and savvy with technology, the way all kids seem to be these days-- LOL.   I'm hoping that she will find a way to contact me.  I have decided not to contact A and to wait until things settle down.   I know that if I did try to contact A via text or FaceTime, then L would explode and possibly take her anger out on her daughter.   I want what is best for A because I love her and she is the light of my life.  I'm heartbroken because I don't want A to think I have abandoned her and don't love her.  I know that if I tried to contact A at this point, L would retaliate somehow, perhaps by issuing a restraining order.  L can be quite vindictive.  I'm wondering how others deal with the heartbreak of not being able to see their loved ones (nieces, nephews, grandchildren) because their BPD family member has forbidden them to do so.  Am I doing the right thing by laying low and being silent for the time being?   BTW, I have very little-to-no communication with my BPD sister anyway.   I usually deal with her husband, who acts as a liasion between me and my niece.  How do others in this situation cope with not being able to see those that they love?   I'm also afraid that my sister will turn my niece against me.  How do I weather this storm?  Thanks in advance for any advice or words of wisdom you can give. 

[zachira]

You are heartbroken that your sister has forbidden you to have contact with your niece with whom you have a loving relationship, and wonder how this will affect your niece. You realize that you have to be careful with how you act around your sister because you do not know how she will respond. First of all, it is impossible to really know what sets off your sister. Mothers with BPD will often be very jealous of anyone who is close to their children and will do everything they can to sabotage the relationships.
I am forever grateful to my aunts and uncles who supported me emotionally for most of my life, while my BPD mother maligned them and was never grateful for all they did for her children. I would not be the person that I am today without the support that I had from my aunts and uncles.
Take comfort in knowing that you have already made a big difference in your niece's life and you will likely be in contact with her again at some point. If you do reconnect with your niece, do be careful about making her mother jealous of your relationship, though you may not be able to do anything about it.
I do not have a relationship with my niece. I did not realize until it was too late just how jealous my sister was of how close I was to my niece, which in part eventually destroyed the relationship.
My heart goes out to you. Take care and let us know how things are going.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Venetian, 

Boy that's sad news for you.   I'm so sorry to hear this. It causes me to think of the words of my now 47 yr old sister about what took place when she was 7 years old. Our grandparents lived one house over from us on the farm, and the cousins had all come to visit. My sister stood at the property line at the edge of our yard and watched all of them play. She says that she remembers looking over there and wondering why she could no longer go over and play with the cousins, knowing that our uBPDm had forbiden us all from having any contact with our grandparents or any of the rest of the very 'evil' family. To this day it grieves her deeply.

The good news is that now that we are adults, we are free to make our own choices. I know that doesn't help you right now, but I do have something with which to encourage you. I think it's wise that you lay low for a time, and if it is appropriate, do you think that in the future an apology would reverse this decision? You spoke truth, but true to BPD behaviors, the rejection she felt took priority over the emotional health of your niece. Also if you take time to write in a journal the things you wish you could say to your niece, it can be saved and shared with her when she visits you (but maybe don't give to your niece and risk her uBPDm getting a hold of it).

What do you think of these ideas?

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hi Venetian.  I am so sorry that his has happened.  It is quite painful for you and I'm sure, for your niece as well.

I don't have much to add but I do want to say that Wools has a great suggestion about keeping a diary of things you want to share with her as well as making an 'apology' of sorts in the future to your sister.  There is nothing wrong with saying something like "I am sure my words were hurtful to hear and I am sorry.  I never want to hurt you". 

The other good news is that the bond you made with your niece has already had a positive impact on her emotional well being.  As Zachira said, it is these bonds that can make a big difference.

[Turkish]

Does your BIL hold that against you? Can you contact him to contact your niece,  or works that introduce more complication?

It might turn out that if you lie low that your sister's mood would change.

What's going on with her abusing your mother?

[Venetian]

Dear Zachira, Woolspinner 200, Harri, and Turkish, thank you for your replies.  My apologies for not responding sooner.  I'm new here and couldn't figure out how to respond to you individually.   I thought there would be reply button at the end of each post, but apparently not.  As per Woolspinner 200's advice, I will try to keep a journal for my niece for her to read later on.  I have to be a bit careful though.  She would have to read the journal at my or my mother's place.   My niece couldn't take the journal home with her because my sister could accidentally read it.   Harri, I'm not sure about making an apology to my sister.  My mother has apologized numerous times over the years for any infractions real or imagined that she has made towards my sister.  My sister doesn't acknowledge these apologies.   I'm not opposed to apologizing, but I have to find the right time.   I have to be strategic and think about how I'm going to do this.  My sister is a hand grenade and I don't want to pull any more pins so to speak.  Turkish, my BIL doesn't hold anything against me.   He understands my frustration.   I told him that I understand the stress that he is under and that I'm going to lay low.   He works out-of-town during the week, so I can text him and he will call me when he is alone and able to.  I will remain outwardly calm (although I'm dying inside) and stay strong for my niece.   I pray every day to God and hope S/he hears me.   I also pray for my deceased father and grandmother to watch over my niece.   Turkish, my sister has abused my mother verbally and emotionally for many years.  My mother doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to rock the boat.   She is conflict averse.  She thinks by saying nothing then the problem will go away.  Unfortunately, that is not the case.   My mother is 82 and is in the beginning stages of dementia, which makes my sister's abuse more heartbreaking.   You'd think my sister would have compassion over my ailing mother, but she only thinks of herself.   My sister is mad at everybody, the world, and God.   Right now she is royally pissed at me, my mother, and her husband.  My BIL admitted to me that life with her is very difficult.   He also acknowledged that he is abused by her.   They've been married over a decade; I'm sure he stays married for his daughter's sake.  But at some point, I'm sure he's going to think that it's just not worth it to stay.   Anyway, I think I'm rambling and going off topic.  I'm sorry for this.   Thank you for listening and thank you for your support.  Knowing that others are going through this makes me feel less alone.  Blessings to all of you.

[Harri]

Hi Venetian.  I don't think you were going off topic at all.  What you posted added important information and, I hope, helped you.  We are here to listen so keep posting.

Typically i do not recommend someone apologize as it is a personal choice and is very very complicated in a lot of these situations.  I understand not wanting to set things off.  My mother was like that.  I understand you want to be even more cautious since others will likely get the brunt of the fall-out should there be any. 

We have several communication tools that can help you and maybe even your BIL if you get a chance to share them.  Mostly though, they are for you to help you detach (to the extent you can) from your sisters abuse and provide a good model for communication to your niece.

Don't JADEThis refers to how we tend to respond when faced with an angry person with BPD>  Don't JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  When in a circular type of conversation, using any or all parts of the JADE often comes across as invalidating to the pwBPD and things just escalate.  At most, i may explain/apologize once and then leave it alone.  To do more JADE at that point just makes us look guilty and for me, it feels degrading.


Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating  Validation is tricky.  Often when a person has BPD, the way we typically communicate gets turned upside down and we end up unintentionally invalidating them.  The thing is, when they are raging or upset it is often hard to find a target to validate.  The easiest thing to validate is the feelings behind what they are saying.  Read the article and see if it makes sense.  The next article I included has validation examples.

Validation Examples

Communicate: S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth)  The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.
Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

This next article is just to read.  It explains a lot of what is going on and many people find it helpful.  Understanding the BPD behaviors is not about making things easier for your sister.  Rather it is to help you understand that very few of the behaviors have anything to do with you and make it so that you can think your way through situations and use the above tools to make things easier for *you*.
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation, Guilt (FOG)

Okay, that is a lot more links than I usually like to share all at once.  We have a library full of even more articles.  Some of the above techniques like validation and S.E.T. take some practice.  They are not the kind of things you can read once and do perfectly.  So take time with it.