Break up out of the blue, help me, I'm dying inside.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been going to my favorite coffee shop for over a year. I'm friends with everyone that worked, and everyone is always nice to me. Some girl started working after I became a regular at that spot. Earlier this year, she got closer and closer to me. She even asked if I wanted to visit her more and told me when she worked. She asked me out and then after 2 weeks I told her how I felt because I was madly in love with her because I knew her for a couple of months but never made my move, I just went for the coffee to see her. I took her out on dates and made sure I treated her like a princess. Comfort her, open the car door for her and told her that I want to make everyday special for her. She was honest with me and told me she's "Emotionally unstable" I knew she was suffering from anxiety and depression and had to see her therapist twice a week. She always told me how she is a victim of her parents, co-workers, friends, etc-. The first couple of weeks she gave me the silent treatment for a day when I visited her and her face looked like someone insulted her. She had no emotions. I couldn't sleep that day and had to see her in the morning to make sure she's okay. I myself have anxiety and depression problems for a long time but know how to control it. She apologized and things went fine again and told me that she's thankful to have me and she didn't mean to scare me. She talked about future plans and asked if my parents would like her. I knew she wanted to be with me.

Weeks later, her interest dropped and wasn't happy to see me walk through the door as she worked. One day I was sitting doing work for school waiting for her to finish work, and she left without saying anything and when I texted her, she said she got sick and left. 4 days after that, we went on the last date and it was perfect. She told me that I made her feel hope again in life after she stopped feeling it for a long time. 1 week later she postpones the date, the week after two people got "sick" and had to stay overtime and told me she doesn't want me to think she's doing it on purpose. After that text, she went silent for a whole month and I was too scared to visit. After I couldn't take it I went to see her and she told me that she didn't want anything from us dating and she couldn't do it and told me that she wanted to do see if we're good for each other. Just recently I have discovered she dropped her old best friend with no explanation and her friend who recently stopped working with her. She dropped us all with no explanation at all.

My question is, why ask about my parents, set plans for the future, and tell me that she appreciates having me in her life and then in 1 day she changes her mind? I slept into depression and suffered for months, and to this day, 3 months later I still think about her every day.

[mraa90]

I have been going to my favorite coffee shop for over a year. I'm friends with everyone that worked, and everyone is always nice to me. Some girl started working after I became a regular at that spot. Earlier this year, she got closer and closer to me. She even asked if I wanted to visit her more and told me when she worked. She asked me out and then after 2 weeks I told her how I felt because I was madly in love with her because I knew her for a couple of months but never made my move, I just went for the coffee to see her. I took her out on dates and made sure I treated her like a princess. Comfort her, open the car door for her and told her that I want to make everyday special for her. She was honest with me and told me she's "Emotionally unstable" I knew she was suffering from anxiety and depression and had to see her therapist twice a week. She always told me how she is a victim of her parents, co-workers, friends, etc-. The first couple of weeks she gave me the silent treatment for a day when I visited her and her face looked like someone insulted her. She had no emotions. I couldn't sleep that day and had to see her in the morning to make sure she's okay. I myself have anxiety and depression problems for a long time but know how to control it. She apologized and things went fine again and told me that she's thankful to have me and she didn't mean to scare me. She talked about future plans and asked if my parents would like her. I knew she wanted to be with me.

Weeks later, her interest dropped and wasn't happy to see me walk through the door as she worked. One day I was sitting doing work for school waiting for her to finish work, and she left without saying anything and when I texted her, she said she got sick and left. 4 days after that, we went on the last date and it was perfect. She told me that I made her feel hope again in life after she stopped feeling it for a long time. 1 week later she postpones the date, the week after two people got "sick" and had to stay overtime and told me she doesn't want me to think she's doing it on purpose. After that text, she went silent for a whole month and I was too scared to visit. After I couldn't take it I went to see her and she told me that she didn't want anything from us dating and she couldn't do it and told me that she wanted to do see if we're good for each other. Just recently I have discovered she dropped her old best friend with no explanation and her friend who recently stopped working with her. She dropped us all with no explanation at all.

My question is, why ask about my parents, set plans for the future, and tell me that she appreciates having me in her life and then in 1 day she changes her mind? I slept into depression and suffered for months, and to this day, 3 months later I still think about her every day.

[DogMan75]

Sorry, man. That stinks. I wish I could truly answer all your “why?”s, but I’m not sure anyone really could, including (and especially) her.

“Poor executive functioning” is a hallmark of the disorder. They make poor decisions based on erroneous conclusions. They misinterpret cues and behave impulsively. Then they look back on their impulsive decisions, see a bad outcome and feel shame they can’t tolerate. They feel that shame more intensely than we do, and have no healthy skill set to cope with it. Out of desperation and pain, they explain the situation to themselves in a way that isn’t their fault, twisting the facts in their own minds and truly believing the doctored memory. They can go on their whole life like this.

I know it really stings right now, and I don’t mean to sound trite, but you got off lucky. Read through some other stories here and you’ll find people who married normal-seeming, loving, even ideal partners. They build a life together, have children and then their partner descends into random blind rages over nothing, lying, cheating, assault, smearing, even false police reports about their loving, confused spouse. At least the time you invested was minimal. You don’t have children together. You didn’t marry her.

It’s kind of amazing you found yourself here after such brief exposure to her. You recognized that there was something off and came to what seems like an accurate assessment. That speaks to a heightened emotional sensitivity that can serve you well as you go on with your life.

Mourn for her loss. Be sad about it. Find some compassion for her (though it sounds like you have). Then, when you’re ready, try to go on about your life. Learn what you can from this, and apply it to your experiences down the road. What else can you do?

Best of luck, and welcome. I think you’ll find this a valuable resource in coming to understand what you’ve just been through.

[Mutt]

Hi mraa90,

DogMan75 gave you a good response.

I slept into depression and suffered for months, and to this day, 3 months later I still think about her every day.

It's normal to have hope that you're pwBPD will come back to you. You said that you think about her every day, do you have thoughts about getting back together. There's no judgement here. It's like your thread title suggests this would be a shock to the system it's understandable if you still have hope.

[mraa90]

It's like mixed feelings, I really want her back, but I know deep down she once promised and had future plans. Despite all those promises she was able to walk out the door without explaining anything. Even if she comes back, I will be worried that she will be able to do it again. You know when you love someone and you know they will hurt you, but you love them... .

[Cromwell]

It's like mixed feelings, I really want her back, but I know deep down she once promised and had future plans. Despite all those promises she was able to walk out the door without explaining anything. Even if she comes back, I will be worried that she will be able to do it again. You know when you love someone and you know they will hurt you, but you love them... .

Yes, and its very unhealthy to keep returning for more hurt to be compounded on what already is.

Were they really "promises" or just sounded like so?

When I look back, my ex said a lot of things that sounded like 100% conviction, at the time she said them, when the emotions change so follows all the prior 'dreams'.

You are quite wise to be worried she would do the same again. Id guard yourself about recycling into it again with the same level of hope attached, so as to avoid likely future repeated disappointments.

[mraa90]

Last time I dropped her at her house. She said, and I quote. "I will see you tomorrow, and also next weekend we are watching a movie." After that, she postponed the movie date because she was stressing about school work. After that, I felt she was emotionally dead and tried to avoid looking at me when I visited her at work. I felt so uncomfortable and bad. 2 weeks after that she avoided me, I texted her if I could see her because it has been 2 weeks and told me I can see her after work and when the time came, she said she had to stay because two people got sick. I know it was a lie.

I knew she started to hate me when she removed a pin gift that I gave her that she put on her apron. I have a good observation and that's how I kept dying inside. You see, she didn't end the relationship, she sabotaged it and mentally abusing me with silent treatment for a whole month. If she was honest about breaking it, I wouldn't be here. It seems she has a history of doing this. She did it to two of her best friends and now me. Also, I was informed by one of them that she's loyal to those who are toxic to her.


Side observation notes that I have made. Sometimes she would take a long time to answer a text or show up a little late. Told me that I shouldn't forgive her for doing so. Why do I feel I was pushed to abuse her in order to keep her. I forgave her because I love her so much and she put me through so much in two months only.

[Mutt]

Hi mraa90,

I'm sorry that she put you through that. I can see how her avoidance would hurt, it would like you keep getting pushed away by someone that you care about.

Why do I feel I was pushed to abuse her in order to keep her.

What do you mean? Did you give her a hard time because she was late and felt guilty about it? I can relate with crossing boundaries and doing things that I don't feel comfortable with.

[mraa90]

She took hours or sometimes a whole day to text back and kept telling me she is sorry. I knew it was wrong but because I was in love with her I never said anything. Sometimes she would cancel our plan like studying together or come late. She also told me to not be so forgiving of her. I felt she was trying to drive me crazy in order to push her. There's one time I was out of it and was kind of cold to her and that made her send me a whole text apologizing and telling me she will fix it and we can do something fun the following weekend. She tried to make me angry but she failed because I never showed her that. It's like she's saying I love you, but I have to test you through mental abuse to get something out of you. 

[Mutt]

Were you cold for a long time with her? I gave my exuBPDw the silent treatment sometimes you’re right that a pwBPD will push your buttons, nobody’s perfect. I’m just saying that if you were cold to her it’s ok to be upset if you can’t manage your feelings in a consistent basis and take it out on others that’s another thing. I don’t think that’s being emotionally abusive to get from what you shared here.

[mraa90]

I could never go cold on her for a long time. It was one time and I was wasn't doing it on purpose I just saw her after a long day of school. I was trying my best to make her happy. I always told her that she could count on me, etc-.

[Harley Quinn]

I think I hear a degree of you feeling like you may be to blame for things going the way they did and I'd urge you to let go of that if that's the case.  Whilst it's OK for us to take responsibility for our part, the fact is that she has what sounds like a set pattern of behaviour which not only yourself is subjected to.  I hope that in itself can allow you to let yourself off the hook a little. 

If being abusive is not your style, then that's a really positive thing and something to hold to.  I'm afraid it does sound as though she was testing whether she could get a rise out of you however that does not necessarily mean that this is the reason for her shift in behaviour.  From what you explained, she knows herself well and was open about her issues from early on.  When was the last time you saw or spoke to her?  How were things left between you? 

What you're going through is painful, yet I am relieved to hear that you'd have second thoughts about re engaging following this experience.  You're in the right place - we are all here to detach and heal and will be here for you as you recover.  Recovery needs to be your main aim, as much as understanding what happened.  I'd encourage you to take a look at the articles and lessons to the right of your screen, which were very helpful for me when I arrived, and continually since.

Keep posting.  We're listening. 

Love and light x 

[CluelessNomore]

Why are you letting one single emotionally unstable individual put you into depression for 3 months? There are billions of people on this planet, and it seems that you are allowing one person (who has some serious issues) to keep you from living a fulfilled life.