Checking on person with BPD or leaving space?

[FaithfulInLove]

I have a quick general question that might help out others on here, too.

I wanna know if in situations - like the following one - someone with BPD needs some extra space or if reassurance is even good and needed.
My expwBPD has been talking about his anxieties with me, about something that has really scared him. Then he said he'd take a break and would talk soon - so I asked him to take care and let him be.
I'd love to let him know I care after he opened up to me this much. Would a quick check on message feel good in a situation like this or rather not?

With any other friend it would be clear to me that I'd check if they're okay after some time has passed.

When I got it right from all I've learned here, being able to give space is important in any kind of relationship with a person with BPD, because that illness makes them feel pressured quite fast. Does that mean if they say they want to take a break, any kind of contact would be too much, even a quick message with no questions being asked?

How would you handle that?

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[pearlsw]

Hi FaithfulInLove,

I recall your relationship history. You are hoping to be friends with an ex (that you want to get back) and also have a current boyfriend, right?

So others can join us, can you please quickly remind us of your relationship details so all are up to speed?

Were you texting about his anxiety issues or speaking about them?

take care, pearl.

[livednlearned]

Hi FaithfulInLove,

I admire you for recognizing that giving (and taking) space is healthy.  

I looked back at a few of your recent posts, and it sounds like you were in a long distance relationship with him, and now are friends? I hope you're doing ok. It can be hard trying to understand what someone is doing, feeling, thinking when they are remote physically (and maybe emotionally too)  

Do you feel that the length of time since hearing from him about his anxieties is creating an increase in yours?

I remember reading here one time that anxiety is contagious. Sometimes people deposit their worries and it unburdens them, but then we take on those worries and it creates a wave effect.

Maybe make this an opportunity to experience any protest behaviors you have when someone pulls away? He confided in you, and shared something intimate. So chances are he will swing around when he's ready. Meanwhile, this could be a chance to learn how your feelings work when a loved one pulls away beyond the time you feel comfortable with.

It's one of the silver linings to being in a BPD relationship. Learning to understand yourself so that you understand what it means to regulate emotions and be resilient for someone who may not be as ready to do so.

[FaithfulInLove]

Exactly, pearl! I am friends with my ex and yes, in the long run I still want to get back together with him. My ex and me were texting about his anxieties. I stopped dating anyone else.

Yes, livednlearned, it was a long distance relationship.
It often makes me really anxious if he takes long to get back to my messages, but today, as he told me he needs a break to "get his head straight" I didn't take it personally at all. I'm okay with that, if he needs space he can go and take it. Not knowing what's going on makes me more anxious. He promised he'll get back to me and I trust that he will do.


I'd love to know how I can be there for him the best way possible. I feel as if reacting with nothing but my "Take care" message, which was supposed to allow him his space, could seem as if I didn't really care.

[livednlearned]

I'd love to know how I can be there for him the best way possible. I feel as if reacting with nothing but my "Take care" message, which was supposed to allow him his space, could seem as if I didn't really care.

Can you give us an example of what you feel might work?

[FaithfulInLove]

I thought of a short follow up message along the lines of "I hope you are okay and that the break helps you feel better".

No questions. No pressure. Just reassuring that I care and I'm there if he needs.

[livednlearned]

The break, meaning the break from communication with you?

I wonder if your suggested text might undermine his need to feel competent that he can handle whatever he's going through.

One of the confounding things about BPD is emotional neediness coupled with a desire to be competent.

Do you feel he is competent to handle whatever he's anxious about?

Also... .I'm not clear from the message if this is about you feeling anxious about his silence? And that you are checking on him as a way to break the silence?

[FaithfulInLove]

I really don't know what exactly he needs a break from. He sounded a bit overwhelmed from everything he's been through lately. I think he meant a break from talking about those things and social media maybe - but from his message I can't clearly tell.

I think he can handle it, yes. I think this will pass and he'll feel better soon again - but haven't seen him in so long/didn't have deep conversations with him to really know.

I often am anxious when he goes silent but as this time he has told me that he needs a break and will be back, I am not anxious about it.
What I'm anxious about is that he might think I'm not really interested in what he's going through when I let him step away like that.

Thank you for helping!

[livednlearned]

What I'm anxious about is that he might think I'm not really interested in what he's going through when I let him step away like that.

Ah. Ok! got it, I think  

Is this accurate then: you feel that this might be a test (of sorts) where if you don't reach out, he interprets that as disinterest, and withdraws further, even tho he said he would initiate contact when he was ready.

And you want to get back together, so the anxiety is about failing the (sort of) test, in case there is one.

Something like that?

Is there something neutral you can comment on, that doesn't address his mood state or need for assurance or yours?

I'm just thinking he seems to be saying he wants space from this one thing, but not complete space. So expressing confidence that you can chit chat about normal things may give him space while expressing your continuing interest in the friendship.

[FaithfulInLove]

Exactly, livednlearned!
I'm afraid to fail hidden tests!

I get the idea of chatting about another topic to take pressure out of the conversation - but don't think it would be helpful in our specific case.

We have some kind of silent rule: we always reply back to each other, even though no question was asked in the conversation.
So if I text something very short, he'll still answer and maybe ask a question - and the other way around, so that our conversations are neverending while there is no pressure in time.

He knows that he can change the topic himself if he doesn't wanna talk about it further. He often does it, knowing I accept that.
So, he can easily just come back and start talking about something completely different - or choose to talk about his worries further.

He didn't just stop talking to me but was completely silent on social media yesterday, so I think he just needs time for himself.

If I came along changing the topic, I think it would feel rather pushy, disrespecting the break he has asked for by making clear that I still wanna talk to him so bad. Are these thoughts understandable?

By the way - he didn't get back to me all night long which makes me worry a bit. It didn't sound as if he needed THAT MUCH space.

[livednlearned]

I see.

Does he still have the other girlfriend at the moment?

Because if yes, then there are three of you in this relationship. It can be painful to think of it that way.

It also helps zoom out the relationship dynamic so you aren't trying to solve things with the wrong math.

Is that something you feel ok about? No judgment if you do. It's just an observation that one way his BPD seems to manifest is to make sure there is always a back-up if the number one spot is not working out. And with BPD, the number one spot is (by his own making) always iffy.

This is why boundaries are so important here.

And values.

If you accept that he manages his anxiety by keeping back-ups, then you can more easily see how you revolve in when the other person revolves out. That might be a value that you decide is ok for you, as long as he reliably revolves around to you at some point.

Sometimes, too, when you pass a test, it's one step forward two steps back. You gain his approval in that moment, but you also weaken yourself in his eyes. Allowing yourself to be broken down by him can build resentment. He needs someone who is emotionally strong, who has a strong sense of self, because he lacks that. If he is able to chip away at who you are, then he has to seek out someone strong.

 

Instead of wondering whether to reach out to him or not, try to think about who you are, what matters to you.

If you reach out to him and he is in a good place with the other person (if there is this other person), and doesn't need you at the moment, so doesn't respond to you right away, are you ok with that?

What kind of response would you need from him to feel that reaching out gave you the result you wanted?

[FaithfulInLove]

I wanted to keep this thread short actually and ask for general advice on giving space/showing care, but I appreciate the help I'm getting.

@livesnlearned, I don't know if he still has the other girlfriend. He said he doesn't.
We are not in a relationship so I have no right to complain about a possible "third person". Of course that is painful, but my goal is getting that amazing man back in the long run, I'm ready to put up with pain.

I don't see myself as a back-up because since we are in touch again we haven't even been talking about getting back together. He never asked me if I was seeing someone else. Don't know what he would say if I got into a new relationship. If it was something that would hurt him and make him end our friendship or if he'd be completely okay with it or if it would make him realise that he has lost something he still wanted - I really can't tell where he is standing at all.
We are friends now, that's all I know, and I've been the one fighting for this to happen.

I hope that I will revolve in someday. I miss him a lot.

The question is: does showing that I care make me look weak? Yes, of course it would, if every 5 minutes I asked him if he was alright and told him that I miss him and that I was worried and that I needed to hear from him. But in my own opinion, everything that is not needy in such a way wouldn't do any harm in that situation. Or what do you think?

He was completely able to chip away at who I am. I acted unbelievably weak and clingy for a horribly long amount of time.
Can you tell me if this can be healed/forgotten? As I really am getting better and I am changing my behaviour around him now.

I wouldn't expect a response back from him until he is ready.
A Thank You or him opening up more would be the result I want of course. What I want to reach by reaching out is him feeling supported - not pressured.

At the moment I'm feeling really anxious because I still haven't heard back from him and I don't know at all how much longer he will stay away. I miss talking to him and hearing about how his day is going.

[livednlearned]

It's hard to give general advice because situations are so different.

Some people (not just BPD) use silent treatment as a power thing (need to be right). Others do it as a form of punishment (verbal abuse). Sometimes people need space to cool their jets and not feel dsyregulated by someone that triggers emotions. He might be taking care of himself.

I know it is frustrating to have no clear instructions on whether to reach out or not. The core thing here is that pwBPD tend to work an inch off the ground, and we end up there with them, working in the weeds, losing our own (healthy) perspective. Losing perspective isn't healthy for you, and it isn't attractive for him, even though he may try to *test* you by seeing if he can get you down there in the weeds.

The 30,000 foot view is that he said he would reach out when he's ready. My inclination would be to let him take responsibility for doing so.

It is uncomfortable to wait, and wonder, and not know.

That's our stuff.  

His stuff is that he said what he was going to do, and it's up to him to follow through.

You might catch his attention if you do something that seems emotionally strong, especially if he expressed resentment about neediness or clinginess in the past.

These are guesses -- every person with BPD is different, every relationship is different, every situation is different. even tho there are some emotional logics that can be teased out.

[FaithfulInLove]

I wish I knew more about his reasons for stepping away.

I know his silence as a form of punishment/rage, but can't imagine that this is the case now as I can't see I said anything that could have triggered him. Our interactions have been positive for weeks and he has opened up by himself, not because I have been pushing in any way.

As his anxieties have been extra strong these days, I think this might be his reason.
A break for "getting his head straight" as he said.

I am waiting patiently - wish it wouldn't make me that anxious.

Thank you a lot for helping!

[FaithfulInLove]

Update
As he promised, he got back to me last night.
Thanks for your thoughts and support on these silent days.
As I know how much time others spend without hearing from their s/o, I apologise for panicking.

[livednlearned]

As he promised, he got back to me last night.

 

As I know how much time others spend without hearing from their s/o, I apologise for panicking.

Going forward, you will have this as a touchstone, to remind you that he is more than likely to respond eventually.

Hopefully, that knowledge makes it easier next time when he withdraws.

[FaithfulInLove]

Going forward, you will have this as a touchstone, to remind you that he is more than likely to respond eventually.

Yes, knowing that he will come back will help me, but I see I have a lot of working on myself to do!
Today I've been crying like a baby again because he took amazingly long to answer my text messages. I should just be happy that he's back at all.
I see how damn scared I am of losing the connection again that we have rebuilt so slowly. I need to find a way to calm down about that.

Thank you so much for guiding me through these hard hours of knowing nothing, livednlearned!

[livednlearned]

Paying it forward  

People here helped me so much!

There's a really good book that also helped me called Attached by Dr. Amar Levine. He talks about the way our attachment styles dictate how we respond to certain things in relationships.

I can't remember the details, except for the part where he talks about protest behaviors, which are the things we do when someone withdraws (plus other stuff). It explained something that happened like clockwork in my relationship.

I would experience the silent treatment and it activated all these panicky protest behaviors, with me trying desperately to win him back. Which usually just made him more irritated with me.

It was helpful to see what I was doing, how I was also kind of using his behavior as a way to deal with my own emotions. I am pretty sure that drove him nuts, because in a very emotionally sensitive way, he could tell I was doing something for me, not for him, even though it was done in the guise of caring about him.