I hate BPD; two of my nieces have really needed a mom

[Deb]

In the last 9 months, two of my nieces have really needed a mom. And because of BPD, their mother is incapable of being that mom they needed. In October, my one niece was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She is in remission now but she was scared and needed that unconditional love that a good mother cold give. And yesterday, her older sister was told that her 26 year old son was found dead. We are surrounding her with love but seriously, it would have been nice if her mother was capable of being a mother. :'(  I hate BPD.

[Learning2Thrive]

... .but seriously, it would have been nice if her mother was capable of being a mother. :'(  I hate BPD.

I hate all the turmoil and anguish and unnecessary suffering the disorder causes too. And I am so sorry for the pain you and your family are experiencing at this time.

How are you doing? How can we help you?

L2T

[Harri]

Hi Deb.  I hate it too.  I hate how it tears people/families apart.  

I am so sorry to hear what is going on with both of your nieces.  Two incredibly difficult situations going on.  How are you coping?  I am glad you are able to support your niece though i am sure you know how important it is to take care of yourself as well.  I am sorry for your loss.  

Please post as you feel the need.  We can certainly listen and support you.

[Turkish]

The key word you said was "incapable." It's good that your nieces have you 

You've been around here longer than any of us and have seen how pwBPD can be so consumed by themselves that some have no empathy for others.  I can't imagine how painful it must be for your nieces and also for you to witness this. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Deb

I am very sorry your nieces have had these very difficult experiences. I am glad that one niece is in remission though after this very serious heath scare.

Very sad your other niece's son was found dead, my condolences. I am glad you are able to offer her love and support during this difficult time. How are you holding up yourself? I can imagine all of this isn't easy for you either.

It's a very tough reality that BPD presents us with. It would have been great if your sister would be able to provide her daughters with the support they need. Unfortunately like you said, she seems incapable of doing that.

Take care and know that your extended online family is here for you

The Board Parrot

[Deb]

Thank you all for responding. I am incredibly sad. More so now because I found out he shot himself. Unfortunately, depression runs in our family. I will get through this. I have my husband, dogs and job. Plus friends and family I can lean on. I am just in shock right now. I don't know if my niece knows it was suicide. I found out by reading a facebook page called Kitsap Scanner reports. I scrolled down until I fund a report that matched  the day and his age. This is a smallish community, so I am sure it was him. If things get worse for me, I have access to counseling through my job. So I am coping. It's painful, but I will be ok. My niece, although heartbroken, is going to carry on because she has 2 other children. I just wish my sister was capable of thinking of someone other than herself. But she is who she is. I don't hate her. I just hate the way she behaves and her BPD.

[Harri]

Hi Deb.  I am sorry to hear that he committed suicide.  That is devastating.  I am relieved that you have support including access to counseling if needed. 

I just wish my sister was capable of thinking of someone other than herself. But she is who she is. I don't hate her. I just hate the way she behaves and her BPD.

  I hear you. 

Take care and let us know how you are doing when you can.

[Learning2Thrive]

Oh Deb, I’m so sorry to learn this tragic news. It’s good to know you have support as you and your family grieve this terrible loss.

We are hear to listen and support you too when you need it. Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. 

[Gifthorse]

Oh I hate it! My mum has it (severe) and also my sister (high functioning)! And no matter how extreme the abuse is, you are not expected to go NC because this could cause them to do something drastic... .They must never be held responsible for their own actions! At least with NPD No contact is considered to be the right way to go!

[JNChell]

So very sorry, Deb.  I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to receive news like that. Thank you for showing your nieces the much needed compassion and sympathy that they must be needing right now. I don’t want to minimize either situation, but especially the niece that just lost her Son. People like you are true saviors to the PSI community everywhere. Not just on this board. I hate what BPD brings with it, too. We hear you. I hope you’re doing alright.

[Deb]

Right now, just knowing that I can post here, and that people will get it, is a huge help. It's like I have a small refuge from the storm. I don't have direct contact with my dBPDsister. But I see her work in so many things. Especially with her 2 older daughters. The youngest was raised by her wonderful dad. The difference is so apparent to me. She has contact with her mom, but not for moral/emotional support. She knows her mother is incapable of being there for her.

My grandnephew's mother will be calling, or has already called funeral homes today. Even his father flaked on that. But that's why she left him when their son was an infant. This is not something a mother should have to do.

I went over things in my mind, to see if there was something my husband and I could have done differently regarding our grandnephew. And the answer was no. We tried to reach out to him multiple occasions. He was always happy to see us, but never tried to contact us. My middle niece, his aunt,  tried to reach out to him and was also rebuffed. At some point, you let go. Love them from a distance. I don't know if he had sought help from mental health services. I just know that at some point the pain in his life was too much for him and he decided to end it. I wish he would have sought us out, but he didn't.

[Harri]

Hi Deb.  I'm checking in with you to see how you are and let you know I am thinking of you and your family.

Wondering if you could have done something different is quite common.  I am glad you know that you did do all you could and all that could be reasonable expected.   to am sorry he did not reach out for help and instead kept it inside. 

When is the service?

[Kwamina]

Hi Deb,

How are things now and how have you been holding up?

Right now, just knowing that I can post here, and that people will get it, is a huge help. It's like I have a small refuge from the storm.

I am glad our online community is helping you deal with this storm

I went over things in my mind, to see if there was something my husband and I could have done differently regarding our grandnephew. And the answer was no... .I just know that at some point the pain in his life was too much for him and he decided to end it. I wish he would have sought us out, but he didn't.

It's very sad you lost your grandnephew in such a tragic manner. We have a resource here that might help you as you try to come to terms with happened:
Recovering From Suicide Loss

Here's an excerpt:

Losing someone that you loved or cared for to suicide is the absolute worse loss that anyone can endure.  No one is prepared for it and only those who have experienced it can know what it involves and how it feels.
... .
Recovery means, “to regain,” “to get back,” or “to restore.”  It has a lot to do with loss and with you.

Recovery is not “healing” or “getting over it” or “closure.”  Those terms do not apply to what you have experienced.  Suicide loss does not go away and it can not be left behind.

You have not only lost someone dear to you; you have lost a part of yourself.  You have lost your normality.  You can’t get back your loved one or your friend, but you can get back, recover, that sense of things being normal that you felt before your loss.

You can’t get back to who you were before your loss.  A suicide, to some degree, changes those that it affects.  However, you can get to a different normal, a “new normal.”  You will always feel your loss, but you can move beyond its abnormal consequences.  That is what recovery is all about.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Deb]

Hi,

I have not been online for a bit. On the 18th, my husband was found non responsive and air lifted to Seattle. He is out of the hospital but he is still pretty fragile. I have had so many friends and family help me. I am truly blessed.

My niece is on the "Power Paddle to Puyallup". (  www.paddletopuyallup.org/ ). She said it has been very good for her to clear her head and cope with her grief. Her sister helped her call funeral homes and make arrangements. When she comes back, she will plan a memorial for her son. His ashes will probably be spread in the waters of Puget Sound, like his grandmother.

I will try and check in more often. I am just taking everything a day at a time because that is all we have, really.

[Harri]

Hi Deb.  I am so sorry to hear about your husband but glad he is out of the hospital.  What a frightening thing to happen to him and for you to deal with.  Will his recovery be long?

I am glad your niece found something to help her process her grief.  I looked up paddle to Puyallup and it sounds fascinating.  I hope she is able to have some peace.  You too.

I am glad you will be checking in because we do care but make sure you are tkaing care of yourself first.   

[Kwamina]

Wow. A lot of things happening in your life right now Deb

Very scary what happened to your husband, I too am glad he's out of the hospital and hope he will make a speedy recovery. Good thing you have a good support network in place through your friends and family.

Also good that your niece has found this outlet which helps her cope with her grief. It's very sad what happened to her son. Spreading his ashes in the same waters as his grandmother would be quite meaningful.

Check in when you can and want. Just reading here is also fine, just know that your online family is also thinking of you  

The Board Parrot

[Deb]

Thank you Harri and Kwamina,

I keep reminding myself that I am stronger than I think and that I have people who truly care for me. My husband shows improvements every day. But this will take awhile. He gets tired easy. But he is improving. Baby steps.

My niece has access to good grief counseling when she gets back. She has had excellent counselors at the local VA hospital. She is a veteran. And while she will never "get over" her son's suicide, I believe she is going to be ok.