She was addicted to the feeling of the honeymoon phase

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been thinking again about this question Skip had asked a while back: "What was the deal breaker for your ex?"

At the time I tried to answer with her most constant gripe: Our parenting styles were too different.

But now I think there was another, more insidious, deal breaker: She was addicted to the feeling of the honeymoon phase, thought that was how it was always supposed to be, and when things became mundane, or normal, or humdrum, or routine, she panicked and had to get out of dodge, put the blame on me, then first emotionally then sexually then physically abandon me.

I know pwBPD come in many shapes, sizes, ethnicities, races, sexes, orientations and the like, but I suspect that the problem that plagues most relationships with them has to do with that moment/those moments when the emotional high of a new relationship wears off.

J

[Jeffree]

I have been thinking again about this question Skip had asked a while back: "What was the deal breaker for your ex?"

At the time I tried to answer with her most constant gripe: Our parenting styles were too different.

But now I think there was another, more insidious, deal breaker: She was addicted to the feeling of the honeymoon phase, thought that was how it was always supposed to be, and when things became mundane, or normal, or humdrum, or routine, she panicked and had to get out of dodge, put the blame on me, then first emotionally then sexually then physically abandon me.

I know pwBPD come in many shapes, sizes, ethnicities, races, sexes, orientations and the like, but I suspect that the problem that plagues most relationships with them has to do with that moment/those moments when the emotional high of a new relationship wears off.

J

[Gemsforeyes]

I don’t know, Jeffree... .It may not be that simple.  First, I believe age may play a BIG factor in the leaving and how available a replacement may be?  I’m older and my recent exBPDbf would, I think STILL come back if I said, “OK HB, I forgive you and you can come back now”.

He recently sent me a random text that said something like “and please stop saying I have a new girlfriend.  I have no desire!”  I had NOT sent him ANYTHING AT ALL... .

I sometimes think they have to leave, or threaten to leave when we start questioning their behavior... .we begin to expose them; and most of us don’t know we’re doing that at the time.  We haven’t yet realized what we’re dealing with; at least I didn’t know when the rages first began.  It took me 3.5 years of odd behavior and horrific rages until I learned about BPD.  I made him leave after 4.5 years.

Take good care.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Cromwell]

I get the strong feeling of the same what gemsforeyes mentions; the honeymoon phase is mask wearing and as that wears off, (it takes a huge amount of mental energy to mirror and maintain the mask) they act-out with discard or cheating whatever antics as a form of revealing to you the real person - not the image you had of them.

If you decide to chase after them beyond that; well that may or may not signify something important to them; choose either of the two;

"he/she loves me regardless of what I did" or

"he/she is so desperate/stupid/clueless/crazy themselves to chase after me despite what I did"

[GlennT]

You should also probably read about these Narcissistic Love Patterns:

The Romantic
The Big Game Hunter
The White Knight
The Novelty Seeker
The Hater
The Recycler

They are all  Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid adaptations. Elinor Greenberg PhD.,has studied many of these folk's patterns for many years, and wrote the book-"Borderlines, Narcissists, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety"

[MeandThee29]

But now I think there was another, more insidious, deal breaker: She was addicted to the feeling of the honeymoon phase, thought that was how it was always supposed to be, and when things became mundane, or normal, or humdrum, or routine, she panicked... .

In one session with my therapist I shared all of my attempts to please mine in every area of life and how he was never satisfied. This is exactly what she said. She told me that marriages are perfectly fine being mundane, and that I was killing myself trying to bring back the honeymoon phase. He would often complain that I wasn't fully into him. What does that mean? I had dropped friends and activities and was there night-after-night and every weekend with very few exceptions. We talked as much as any couple if not more. At one point he even said that his happiness was to be my prime occupation, and if he was unhappy, it was my fault. That really upset me. Stop the insanity!

With all of our turmoil, we have stayed with various families and had long conversations with various couples that are friends, and their marriages are perfectly happy with the mundane. They have a squabble or two, but no real drama and are happy with each other. That spoke to me.

[Jeffree]

None of this is ever that simple, Gems.

However, I do think that the ultimate dealbreaker for my marriage was that my ex just wasn't interested in real life, the day-to-day give-and-take activities of a committed relationship together. I do think she went into it with good intentions, was even quite engaged and engaging, but as time went on and I kept trying to reign in her impulsiveness and get her to complete tasks she started, she seemed to resent the life she married into and the partner on the other end of that life.

First, she needed to work. I was patient with her for about 6 months as she transitioned back to life on the East Coast, but I would constantly come home from work to a house even more messy than it was before I left, and I couldn't stand idly by as she criticized my efforts to fill in the gaps in the chores instead of contributing to the elbow grease herself.

There was only so much money I could earn to support our young family and only so much time for me to keep up the house. I needed her help, and she eventually gave it reluctantly, at least as far as earning money was concerned. All the other daily requirements of our lives continued to go by the wayside with her.

There were kids to raise properly and get to school, just not yell into submission and constantly punish over the slightest infraction. They were painted black long before I came into the picture, and it was a real drag to have to deal with all her tirades while she didn't take the time to mentor them along with me.

There were her 3 pets to tend to, scoop litter boxes, clean up marking after them, bring to vet, feed, water, etc. None of which she did. She was just in it for their affection.

The list goes on and on about all the nuances of how best to navigate life and her absolute disinterest in working as a team to conquer these challenges.

My point is that she might have been in "love" with the IDEA of romance, marriage and family, but really wasn't equipped to function well in those arenas once things "got real." When she realized this, instead of troubleshooting the issues together, she started the blame game to try to get me to own her feelings of insecurity.

She spent years trying to mask from me her shortcomings and misgivings while making it seem as though she was the one doing all the work and I was doing nothing but making things worse all the time.

J

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh Jeffree-
Believe me, I in no way mean to minimize ANY of this, their abilities to handle daily life and especially the IDEAS of what that perfect life would be.  It is so sad... .

My exBPDbf is now 60 and has/had four kids (one died of an overdose in 2007 at the age of 29).  He last saw her when she was 14, I think.  He has NO contact with his 3 sons, but when he speaks about them to strangers, it sounds like he’s in constant communication with them.  I just listened with pity... .knowing the truth of their absence from his life.  But never knowing the truth of the real reason for the absence from his life.  The whole thing sickens me.  And there are three grandchildren from his deceased daughter, and no attempt to reach out to them.  I cannot IMAGINE not wanting to hold those kids close.

And yet from the moment we met (we were 55) he constantly said how he wished we could have a child.  Such a stupid thing to say.  Broke my heart... .especially because I could never physically have children and I basically “lost” my step kids in my divorce.  I was so excited when I met BPD bf and learned he had three sons.  So excited that I would have the chance to be a stepmom again.  And I expressed this excitement to him, yet he hid the fact that he had no relationship with his boys from me.  Everything is lies... .you have to figure out the truth.

This is a sickness I will NEVER understand.  Never.

I’m just so sorry for the pain.  I really do wonder if it ever truly goes away.  It seems to hit every nerve in our bodies, every corner of our minds, every beat of our hearts.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Shawnlam]

It may or may not be that simple ,and honestly only she could answer your theory.With that said the variables alone are infinite when it comes to why.The important question is how are you coping with this discard ,what tools are you putting to use to grieve this lose? Woman with BPD have many emotional ups and downs .Some need stimuli to suppress the bad feelings , sex,drugs,booze,gambling etc etc and included in that is the rush of a new honeymoon period .But it could also so many other things .
I to used to spend days upon days trying to figure out why why why ,it’s in its own way part of the grieving process.The only thing I can say is don’t spend too much time on it because this wasn’t only one thing .Its best just to help yourself feel better and understand yourself and what you can do now to remove these thoughts from your mind.

[Jeffree]

The important question is how are you coping with this discard ,what tools are you putting to use to grieve this lose?

I'm fine. I'm not trying to figure this whole thing out much. I just happened to stumble on this idea in the conversations I've been having with my SS19 and his recent break up with his GF of 3 years and thought I'd share and see if anyone else can relate/share with this experience.

J

[Baglady]

Yep - I can completely relate to this.  It was my exBPDh's major complaint after a 21 year marriage that our relationship wasn't the same as it was during our first two years together (we were 19 and 21 at the time - with zero concerns in the world).  When I would volunteer that our relationship could never be the same as it was then, that real love matures over time and that we are now middle-aged with a lot of responsibilities - he would get absolutely incensed at this argument so much so that I simply gave up arguing the point, he was so insistent and implacable about it.  I always thought it was really odd behavior but I shrugged it off (as I did with a lot SO MANY odd behaviors in hindsight).  I also got the "your have never been fully into me" treatment which again I shrugged off.  My deal breaker in recognizing when our marriage was truly over was my horror when I realized that my ex had been writing all of his odd ideas/distorted thoughts in journals over decades.  He revisits these journals all the time to "find evidence" of my so-called never-ending abuse during our marriage.  So many incidents of his odd behaviors/misinterpretations/incorrect mind-reading that I simply brushed off over decades now constitute "incontrovertible evidence" in his eyes of how abusive I was to him during our entire marriage.  I realized that I could never even begin to counter all of the ridiculous distortions in his journals so I just threw in the towel.

Reading everyone's input here is like putting together the millions of pieces of a two decades long puzzle that I had NO idea I was participating in until our divorce this year.

[Mutt]

Hi Jeffree,

But now I think there was another, more insidious, deal breaker: She was addicted to the feeling of the honeymoon phase, thought that was how it was always supposed to be, and when things became mundane, or normal, or humdrum, or routine, she panicked and had to get out of dodge, put the blame on me, then first emotionally then sexually then physically abandon me.

If I take the pathology out of the equation this is a person that is shallow and doesn't have the necessary skills or is not ready for a mature relationship.

[enlighten me]

Hi Jeffree

I agree with you that the honeymoon phase is a key time in a BPD relationship and once it ends its down hill from there. I have my own theories which some may disagree with.

I think a pwBPD is looking for that fairy tale where everything will work out for them. In the beginning the non has the potential to fulfil that fantasy. Slowly as the relationship progresses the nons faults start to appear. Were not perfect and make mistakes but this doesn't match the person the pwBPD has painted the non as. These discrepancies build up until the pwBPD doesn't recognise the non. The pwBPD feels as if they've been conned and that the non has deceived them. Devaluation begins and the rest is history.

Another factor is a pwBPD needs distraction as they cant cope with the mundane. During the honeymoon phase there is plenty of distraction. Once these distractions start to calm down then the pwBPD needs others. This may be another love interest or drama. My exs both drummed up drama from nowhere. The school run turned into the opening scene from a James bond film with cars trying to force them off the road. Shopping became a the black Friday sales with people barging them out of the way and cutting queues. Friends suddenly became untrustworthy and were being bitches behind their backs. etc etc etc.