Is feeling numb just a normal part of any breakup?

[Zemmma]

Not me feeling numb. I wish!

One of the last things he said to me before he broke up with me (again) is that he felt numb. Is this the same as saying, "I'm not in love with you anymore?" or "I don't have feelings for you anymore?"

He also said that lately he had been relieved if he made plans and I couldn't join. He wasn't enjoying himself when I was around. He found at the end that he preferred when I was not there.

This doesn't even sound like BPD to me. Just a normal man leaving a relationship. No longer invested or interested. I think the reasons he felt uncomfortable with me being around were related to BPD traits... (e.g. he thought I was flirting with his friends when I wasn't, or thought we had a miserable night when only one small comment or gesture was made that upset him, etc.).

My question is whether this numbness might disappear for him. If feelings might return in my absence or if they can be turned off forever.

I guess I am asking the same question that I hear on this board so often. How can someone be so intensely in love with you and so intricately engaged with you and then say they feel nothing?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi zemma,

Boy, the things he said sound hurtful.  It’s probably good that you aren’t feeling numb, you will be able to work through the hurt instead of pushing it down.  But, in the moment it stings.

One of the symptoms of BPD is black and white thinking - in love and then out.  Do you think this could be it? 

Looking forward to hearing more.  I have to get to work.  I will get back with you soon.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[Zemmma]

Thanks for responding Mustbeabetterway,


Black and white thinking: He did have that to an extent. I don't know. He just had such inner turmoil about  us from almost the very beginning. He didn't trust me even though he was clearly the untrustworthy one in the relationship. TO THE EXTREME. And he didn't think I loved him enough because I wasn't interested in moving in or marriage. But in no way would he have actually made any of the changes or compromises that would make that possible. For us those things were simply not possible. For both of us. It reminds me of another recent post on here. He didn't actually want that, he just wanted ME to want that.

So I think he felt we had no future and it wasn't working. But he was drawn to me. Maybe for him it was just our sex-life in the end, one he said he had wished for his whole life. Outside of that... even minutes outside of that, he was back to doubt and inner struggle and grumpiness and conflict. He could never enjoy the moment for very long. Always angst and suffering, and processing and ruminating. And our situation didn't sit well with him even though he made few attempts to change or make anything better.

Of course we did have good times, but even these were followed by a pulling away. Like he just couldn't stay in that happy or intimate space. And then he would discredit our good times by picking out one tiny thing that he viewed as wrong and colouring our whole weekend (or time together) with that. He only remembered the bad.

He was a negatively focused person. Because I am positively focused I saw things through rose-coloured glasses. I forgave and forgot very easily. Things would pass and they were gone. I didn't keep score. He did. I used to ask him why things had to be "even Steven." Life with him was a competition. I was someone he was jealous over. If I had more, even if I seemed happier.

I valued the good times so much the bad could be overlooked. He "valued" the bad parts... or focused on them. He was always "afraid we were going to fight." I never understood this. He thought we were always fighting and I did not. But as I said, he blew everything out of proportion. A simple comment or joke or gesture, and things that didn't even happen (IMO). He made up things to be upset about when there was nothing but rainbows and sunshine and unicorns. We could have a perfect night... he could be laughing and dancing, his face could be aching with pain from smiling too much, but the next day he would remember some minute detail that invalidated any good. He fought so hard against happiness, peace and us.

Hmmm... every time I write I remember all the reasons why this guy was probably not the best choice for me! But alas. Loved him. Love him. Like an idiot.

[Mutt]

Hi Zemmma,

You mentioned inner turmoil, maybe he meant that he was feeling empty by saying that he felt numb? PwBPD have chronic feelings of emptiness.

However, chronic feelings of emptiness, feelings of emotional numbness or despair, and similar experiences may be symptomatic of other mental health concerns, such as depression, anhedonia, or schizophrenia.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/emptiness

[Cromwell]

I agree with Mutt, it sounds like he has a dose of the blues.

In a depressed state of mind, people are prone to self isolate and this form of thinking extends itself to "go away - its you thats making me feel like this".

I wouldnt take it personally but I wouldnt expect this way of thinking to change either, it is "external" problems that have caused his plight, perhaps you are just the convenient one to blame for his numbness rather than his own lack of ability to find the sort of life that is fulfilling enough.

[once removed]

This doesn't even sound like BPD to me. Just a normal man leaving a relationship.
... .
I think the reasons he felt uncomfortable with me being around were related to BPD traits

Zemmma, i think that this perspective is a very important one. often times, our pain can lead us to pathologize some pretty normal (or at least common) things our exes say or do, and i think at a certain point it can keep us stuck in our grief and even exacerbate our wounds. i remember i was in such pain and shock that i wondered, for literally days, what the weather or time of year might have had to do with my ex breaking up with me.

im not a believer that feelings just turn off, for people with personality disordered traits or otherwise. i think theres usually a lot we missed or werent privy to. part of what made my pain so great at the time, is that i had felt as though my partners feelings "just turned off" in all of my past relationships. in hindsight, they all make sense, even where BPD traits played a role. so, i think while no doubt painful, the road youre going down here will be beneficial for your healing and understanding long term and i applaud you for it.

re "numb", its hard to say without knowing him. its a word with a real meaning, yet people throw it around a lot. could it be BPD related? it certainly could be. people with BPD traits tend to compartmentalize. they tend to avoid facing and feeling these things. it could also just be his way of saying he doesnt currently feel anything or doesnt know what he feels. regardless, its not an uncommon feeling or expression in regards to grief.

My question is whether this numbness might disappear for him. If feelings might return in my absence or if they can be turned off forever.

well, i look at it this way: that stuff about him preferring you werent around? i think thats relatively normal. we can all feel trapped in a relationship or just want space. i think, however, those are the kinds of feelings most subject to change. a little bit of "careful what you wish for". will you ever know it if they do? impossible to say, but it occurring is a very reasonable possibility.

How can someone be so intensely in love with you and so intricately engaged with you and then say they feel nothing?

people with BPD traits feel things intensely, and they tend to over emote with little or no concern for ramifications. i can tell you that the last time i saw my ex she could barely contain herself and told me she felt as if shed fallen in love with me all over again. then she turned very cold and distant. what i would realize later is that she had largely already grieved the relationship. she had second thoughts and strong feelings when we spent our last days together, as people often do, and i really wasnt privy to any of what she was experiencing so i felt blindsided.

can those feelings change into regret and longing? sure they can. they frequently do.

[Zemmma]

Absolutely pathologizing. I don't even know if he has BPD. But something is off. And yes he is sometimes depressed. He admitted sometimes to knowing something was wrong. And he hid it to some extent. And he was ashamed of it. He didn't want me to think there was "something wrong with him." Early in the relationship he thought I called him "sensitive" and he got really upset about that. He was probably OVER-REACTING to something minute and making it into a fight. I love his sensitivity. I just don't like him taking it against me. He always claimed to feel things deeper than other people. That kind of pissed me off, in light of all of the crappy things he did to cause me pain. Yes, soo sensitive, but not sensitive enough to consider the consequences of his careless and bad behaviour.

This is who he is. Especially for some reason, in relation to me. Not. Going. To. Change.

Related to numbness... .Cromwell

"It's you that's making me feel like this... "

Totally, totally, totally. I think the numbness or emptiness was also related to this notion he had that he was "a shell." But this was also my fault, according to him. He thought that it was because he had to try so hard to hide who he "really was," in order to make me happy. That in order to please me he had to be dull, and lame, and docile... when what he really wanted to do was drink and party wildly, and use drugs and go crazy. Because life was essentially terrible when he wasn't drunk. When he had to stay in at night he felt like a caged animal. He felt "trapped." And he insisted we were both hiding our "true selves" from each other. Even though we shared so so much. I said, "What is it that you are hiding then? Because I have told you everything about me. Everything I feel. There is nothing more than what you know."

The thing is... .all of these feelings stirred up by me. They are his. But when he walked out the feelings did stop. Most likely. He got immediate relief. And I guess I have always almost wanted him to try another relationship, because I am convinced that the bulk of this is in fact, not me, but him. And maybe in another relationship he will finally see that. But maybe he won't.

Maybe he will be able to blame me forever, for all of the jealously by telling himself that I was unfaithful or secretive, or blame me forever for all of the horrible feelings he had at the end of his marriage. He was with  me before he even moved out of the marital home. And the same thing was happening on my side. My X had left me but didn't move out for 8 months. We clung together in this horrible time as we watched our families fall apart. Our marriages, his marriage of 12 years, my marriage of 17 years plus six years cohabitation. We supported each other, but also told each other too much. We were hurting and it was hard to tell where the pain started and where it stopped. Maybe by getting me out of his life he can bury all of that time and pain forever. Maybe I am too closely attached to those bad feelings, the loss, and sadness and despair he felt in the six years since the separation. He could never let anything go. But he's finally let me go, or so it seems. Silent for over 2 months. He has broken free.

He sent me a text the week before he left. I guess he was planning his escape already. He was telling me once again all of the reasons we shouldn't be together. He said, "there is also a whole other life... "

I guess that he imagines something better than us for him.

Thing is, what we had was not just some expression of a disorder or rebound relationship. It was big. I know it and I actually know he knows this too. This is where I get caught up. On some level I do think he feels me still. I just don't know how it will all play out or how we could ever have something lasting or healthy with the past that we share.

[Shawnlam]

With my experience and also through the experience of others ,the blame game is often misunderstood.When your ex partner would blame you for causing his issues it was more likely he was disappointed you were not his cure all savior.A lot of people on this board and many others always try to understand why their ex SO blamed or accused them for stuff.Or they try and understand what their ex moved on so quickly or cheated on them and this list is vast .Honestly when younstudy cluster b complexes especially BPD , the main factor or traits shared amongst them is depression/anxiety, lack of self ,self esteem issues etc etc.

Going back to my point they look for anyway to have these feelings suppressed or “cured” by someone new ,their new savior or white knight if you will.When the infatuation runs out because they realize they feel the same , they devalue /discard (it’s your fault theory) kicks in .So it’s not so much he’s blaming you as the cause ( even though,those are the words out of his mouth), it’s more a sub concious attack that really means ,you didn’t save me , you failed to fix me. This is of course my opinion but the theory is repetitious all over this board and others.So don’t take it badly and don’t place blame on yourself , it’s not about you when his insults are flying out , if he has BPD ,he’s a scared child s emotional mind in an adult body.

[Zemmma]

Shawnlam,
I agree with everything you said. It fits perfectly.

Must be nice that he thinks he can just go out and replace me.

I didn't fix all of this inner turmoil and traumatic past, but I am not just an object for his temporary distraction from himself. This was a significant, intense six year relationship.

Regardless of what damage is going on in his head, this is a highly insulting thing he has done to me. Coming into my life as he did, leaving and the way he left. I think I may have joked with him years ago,"If you are just going to be miserable, you might as well be miserable with me" (ha!). Miserable with mind blowing sex and someone who stands by you no matter what absolute bull you throw at them on an on-going basis. I can't imagine him doing much better than that with what he is able to offer.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi again, Zemmma,

I hope you are getting answers now to your original question of how your significant other can be so intensely in love and then be numb.  One of the things that has been confusing about my relationship is the sudden change of emotions.  There are some lessons on the right side of this page that may explain further what we have all been talking about.  Just click on any of the topics and that will lead you to the articles.

You mentioned the good times in your relationship.  I struggle with this, too.  If it weren’t for those good times, it would be easy to let the relationship go.  We long for those good times, but they can be elusive or either marred by the bad times.

Just processing your thoughts here can be helpful in working through the issues that can be so confusing.  Glad you are posting, we are listening.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[MeandThee29]

With my experience and also through the experience of others ,the blame game is often misunderstood.When your ex partner would blame you for causing his issues it was more likely he was disappointed you were not his cure all savior.A lot of people on this board and many others always try to understand why their ex SO blamed or accused them for stuff.Or they try and understand what their ex moved on so quickly or cheated on them and this list is vast .Honestly when younstudy cluster b complexes especially BPD , the main factor or traits shared amongst them is depression/anxiety, lack of self ,self esteem issues etc etc.

Going back to my point they look for anyway to have these feelings suppressed or “cured” by someone new ,their new savior or white knight if you will.When the infatuation runs out because they realize they feel the same , they devalue /discard (it’s your fault theory) kicks in .So it’s not so much he’s blaming you as the cause ( even though,those are the words out of his mouth), it’s more a sub concious attack that really means ,you didn’t save me , you failed to fix me. This is of course my opinion but the theory is repetitious all over this board and others.So don’t take it badly and don’t place blame on yourself , it’s not about you when his insults are flying out , if he has BPD ,he’s a scared child s emotional mind in an adult body.

This is a good explanation. They want you to be something that you never can be and can't accept that you aren't going to turn it around for them, so they roast you emotionally and discard, and then try to get you back again.  I really struggled with this for a long time. If you truly love someone or at least valued the the time you were together, why would someone treat their partner that way? Why would you treat them badly and expect them to come running back over-and-over? It's a horrible, destructive cycle.

[Zemmma]

Shawnlam wrote:

With my experience and also through the experience of others ,the blame game is often misunderstood.When your ex partner would blame you for causing his issues it was more likely he was disappointed you were not his cure all savior.A lot of people on this board and many others always try to understand why their ex SO blamed or accused them for stuff.Or they try and understand what their ex moved on so quickly or cheated on them and this list is vast .Honestly when younstudy cluster b complexes especially BPD , the main factor or traits shared amongst them is depression/anxiety, lack of self ,self esteem issues etc etc.

Going back to my point they look for anyway to have these feelings suppressed or “cured” by someone new ,their new savior or white knight if you will.When the infatuation runs out because they realize they feel the same , they devalue /discard (it’s your fault theory) kicks in .So it’s not so much he’s blaming you as the cause ( even though,those are the words out of his mouth), it’s more a sub concious attack that really means ,you didn’t save me , you failed to fix me. This is of course my opinion but the theory is repetitious all over this board and others.So don’t take it badly and don’t place blame on yourself , it’s not about you when his insults are flying out , if he has BPD ,he’s a scared child s emotional mind in an adult body.

That is absolutely brilliant. I am currently doing a Ph.D. in psychology field. Some of you should join me! For all of the emotional upheaval we have all experienced there sure is a wonderful amount of insight from everyone on this board.

Shawnlam, your above statement echos my feelings and words to him towards the end. I told him to figure out what would make him happy and I would do whatever I could to help him get there. Then I said, "If you don't even know what will make you happy, then why are so angry with me all the time?"

A couple of weeks before the discard he texted, "I HAVE NOT BEEN HAPPY FOR YEARS!" And I thought... "... and?... ." Why are you angry at me about that? Sorry dude, but I was happy for those years. I am trying to make you happy. I am a kind, gentle, compassionate, forgiving, generous person, spending all the time I have with you and trying to have a great time, with sex and companionship and love, and trying to make us both happy in whatever way I can. I am getting what I want and need from this relationship and from my life. So why is this an angry statement towards me?

The only thing I can add, is that my happiness actually added to his anger. He was a jealous man, and emotionally immature as you have mentioned. He was mad at my happy. Why do you get to be happy when I am so terribly miserable all the time?

[Cromwell]

Zemma I got the same, for example, when apart for a day I texted her to say that im really happy, and looking forward to seeing her soon.

"oh- how lucky for you, because I feel like ___"

in other words, I was expected to go down and waste away at her baseline, i mean the saying "misery likes company" is ancient, and applys exactly to my ex and a few others ive met in life. They are the classic party poopers - if they cant be happy, no one else will.

its about me, look at me. attention defecit as a child, carried into an adults body.

features even more heavily if there is narcissistic overlap of traits. as there often is.

One of the ironic things is, the times my ex was most heavily depressed she could actually be the most kind towards me. At that moment she saw me as the key to her happiness, and I was good at turning her out of it. It was when she got too much false sense of arrogance and started the cheating with others and being nasty via drugs/alcohol disinhibiting - she felt at that time I wasnt important to recognise anymore and I was treated as if i were scum.

Only for that cycle to recontinue. A horrible pattern that leaves a trail of confusion.

but yes, my ex got jealous of my happiness, my other friends, family, my achievements. Not sure why because I systematically sidelined everything and put her in centre stage. It was never enough to take away that emptiness and 24/7 inherent depressed state. I think I pretty much agree with everything shawnlam has to say as well, you get looked down upon for not bringing them the complete life fulfillment they are searching for. an impossible task.

[RomanticFool]

Zemma,

My exBPD married lover always complained of emptiness. She was always saying she had nothing in her life, despite being married with 3 kids and being a very beautiful woman. In my eyes she had it all. In her eyes she had nothing and was a victim of life. One day I would cheer her up by giving her my time and texting her affirmations about what a wonderful, beautiful human being she was. The next day was like Groundhog Day. She would be empty and depressed all over again.

We would meet and make wild passionate love, which to me was life affirming and connected me to her so deeply that I was willing to risk my own marriage and peace of mind. She would often go silent after telling her how much I loved her and how happy I felt after our meetings. Mostly my declarations were met with either a muted response or nothing at all. I was often in despair at how I could feel so much and she felt negative emotions. In the end I stopped chasing her when she had rejected me on many occasions and eventually I was devalued and discarded.

There is nothing I could have done to change the outcome. She didn’t want to leave her marriage and while there was a time when she returned my feelings, it was fleeting and I represented an occasional escape from inner emptiness and her disordered mind in general. The saddest thing of all was how such a beautiful woman could hate herself so much. That she couldn’t see how my anger at her rejection of me was a symptom of love for her rather than extreme disapproval of her as a person.

I suppose I did disapprove of the way she treated me but her mind told her that this was because I was simply trying to control her and make her bend to my will. I have my own issues and so every time she delivered ST on me I would punish her either by verbally denouncing her behaviour or revisiting ST on her in retaliation. This simply led to lack of trust on both sides. Had I been more aware of the nature of her disorder early on and less obsessed with her being ‘fair’ and returning my love, I may have been able to give her unconditional affirmations ad infinitum with no expectations of anything in return. But I lacked the necessary restraint and control over my own emotions to be able to put such advanced and complex emotional intelligence to work for a beautiful but flawed woman who will never be able to change, despite all the help she has received throughout her life. It was a sad ending to a traumatic coupling.