Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 01:48:55 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: So angry that she moved on and detached so quickly  (Read 378 times)
allbymyself7
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 52


« on: July 17, 2018, 10:42:47 AM »

Hi Cromwell, I meant there is no emotional attachment on her part. There definitely is for me.
I’m still trying to figure out how to disconnect from this woman that has dropped me as if I was someone she simply had a casual fling with.

It makes me so angry that she moved on and detached so quickly, especially after declaring her love and devotion to me.
Even as she was breaking up with me, she stated she wasn’t heartbroken - and I could hear in her voice that she truly wasn’t. She had completely dissociated, leaving me confused, hurt, betrayed, and in pieces.

I’m trying to take the steps to disconnect from this woman, but everything I do just makes me feel worse, because I know in the end, it’s just the same outcome: she’s gone forever.

Does anyone believe that someone can just not be heartbroken and disconnect within a week, after considering you their soulmate and the love of their lives? Is it normal just for her to be ok never speaking to me or seeing me again after wanting a life with me?
Logged
mraa90

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 45


« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2018, 02:50:37 PM »

With them, it's easier to believe what you see than what they say. I saw mine today and she didn't even look at me, but inside me, I knew that the person I loved is dead and long gone inside her head. Might as well leave the dead buried. It's not logical what she did, but with them nothing is. Just think about it this way, the solution is to remember the name of the illness. They get to switch their emotions out of their control. Mine told she was emotionally unstable, but I didn't know it was also called BPD, I did the research after she opened the door and left.

 I cherish the person I once loved, she is dead now, and I can't bring people back to life, I'm not God, and I don't have the power to fix problems. Acceptance of myself is key to forgive and move on.
Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2018, 03:30:48 PM »

Hi Cromwell, I meant there is no emotional attachment on her part. There definitely is for me.
I’m still trying to figure out how to disconnect from this woman that has dropped me as if I was someone she simply had a casual fling with.

It makes me so angry that she moved on and detached so quickly, especially after declaring her love and devotion to me.
Even as she was breaking up with me, she stated she wasn’t heartbroken - and I could hear in her voice that she truly wasn’t. She had completely dissociated, leaving me confused, hurt, betrayed, and in pieces.

I’m trying to take the steps to disconnect from this woman, but everything I do just makes me feel worse, because I know in the end, it’s just the same outcome: she’s gone forever.

Does anyone believe that someone can just not be heartbroken and disconnect within a week, after considering you their soulmate and the love of their lives? Is it normal just for her to be ok never speaking to me or seeing me again after wanting a life with me?

Hi, I really suspect there is someone else and that is why she is so coy, detached and aloof, shrugging you off as if you are no longer important. borderlines dont leave relationships they leave for other relationships.

Dont suspect shes gone forever either, when the chips are down, you could easily find yourself on the receiving end of a phone call and you have to be prepared mentally what you would do in that case. If she does it when you are still longing for her, and the shock of her contacting you again out of nowhere, its easy to be recycled back in, just at a point where you might have started to feel better again - or started to properly get over her. For me it happened in 2 weeks, but there are accounts on here and 3 to 6 months seems to be the magic number for some celestial reason. (when the honeymoon period ends and they devalue or get discarded in the new relationship)

You are not to blame for any of this and in time you will get over it, but right now is imo the hardest part, the feelings are raw as well as shock. It is a deeply upsetting thing to experience, callous and you have my full sympathy for what your going through right now. Dont read too much in to the "all or nothing" statements such as "never" see you again, they are rooted in childlike level of emotional maturity such as "i love icecream, i hate vegetables".

In short, try not to take any of it to heart, even how hard it has been to listen to.

Logged
allbymyself7
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 52


« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2018, 11:45:54 AM »

The thing is, she denies having any mental illness. She was calm and almost seemed rational when she was breaking up with me.
Her words were “just because people fall in and out of love, it doesn’t mean they are mentally ill”. She also said “I loved you. Truly. But I couldn’t picture a future together. I hope you can move on and find happiness”.

This is what messes with my head. She’s right, in a sense - people fall in and out of love.
But not in a week or two. And they don’t tell you they “aren’t heartbroken”.

I question whether she truly just fell out of love quickly, or that she does have a mental illness (she exhibited many symptoms - emotional instability, temper, unstable relatiOnships,  abandonment triggers, idealization, controlling).
It’s a constant battle in my head. She was so deeply in love and invested in me, and suddenly, it was gone. No empathy, no sadness.
Logged
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2018, 08:31:20 AM »

The key phrase that stands out for me is her saying "cant imagine a future together"

That signifies that the idea of commitment arose itself and she has withdrawn herself altogether.

Do you feel that the relationship was evolving or any pressure to become more serious?

im not disputing that the idea of her being with you would have created genuine charged up feelings at the time, but when it actually comes to that point, commit-phobia seems to have kicked in, and you are left wondering "what did I do wrong?".

From my own experience, the first 3 months, intense as they were led to the sabotaging (cheating) when no longer the "idea" or "dream" of being with me long term becomes having to genuinely become vulnerable, genuinely share trust - and put the confidence in me that she wouldnt end up hurt in any possible way. My ex was 'risk adverse' emotionally to a fanatical extreme, it manifested itself in a lot of her other behaviours too, which I evaluated in hindsight.

What would the solution be, there is nothing on earth that would ever convince her to shake off those fears, they are deep rooted. The most that made her comfortable was "being with me" in what id call more a pseudo-relationship where fantasies of marriage and future could be dreamed of but never actualised due to this commitment phobia and making herself that emotionally vulnerable. The pain of it going wrong being too hard to cope with.

Thats why I said possibly expect her to contact you again and enter into a reformed form of relationship if you are willing like I was to go along with it. The issue is, my feelings were genuinely 'reciprocated' of what she displayed to me, I was left heartbroken having let all safety boundaries down - they can, and do walk away having not truly invested much in. If I had not have went back, its not a big deal, just find someone else to begin the whole thing again, it becomes a repetitive refined technique. "maybe it will work this time around", yet it never does because that deep rooted fear of rejection is hardwired in.
Logged
allbymyself7
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 52


« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2018, 12:25:15 PM »

I wasn’t putting any pressure on her by any means. It was her pressuring me into applying for jobs in her home town... .and if I didn’t apply right away, she became upset and accused me of not being serious about her and the relationship.

On my very last trip to her in May, I had an interview set up for a job opportunity in her city. She was excited at the prospect of me moving there and even told her parents!

However, when I arrived to her place, she was cold, detached, distant, and lacked any sort of patience. She attributed it to her mental and emotional exhaustion due to her unmanageable work stress that month. She said she felt lost and was hoping she would get back to her normal self with me around. She insisted she wanted me around, but didn’t have any energy to give to me.

When her coldness and emotional distance got to me, I told her I was going to go for a walk to give her some space. She became extremely angry and accused me of abandoning her. This is when she said something shifted for her.

In retrospect, I felt she had started to detach prior to me coming out there in May, perhaps due to the fact that I wasn’t meeting her contollinf expectations. But my feeling is was that the nail in the coffin was the perceived abandonment she felt when I went out for that walk.

When I flew back home, she insisted she didn’t want to lose me and we were going to work on our relationship, but I truly believe that the ‘shift’ she experienced was when she fell out of love
Logged
Radcliff
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2018, 11:26:55 AM »

allbymyself7, it's been a few days.  How are you doing?

WW
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!