Greetings Want to set good example for daughters, Maintain my mental health

[BurtonBronco]

Hi,
I’m a married father of 2 teenage girls.  My wife has been in AA recovery for 10 years.  She also regularly sees a psychiatrist and takes her medications.  I am really proud of the work she has put in.
My concern is that we don’t really discuss her underlying issue (in my opinion it is BPD... .her mom has same (undiagnosed)... .my wife has never referred to her own  as such and obviously I don’t communicate directly with her psychiatrist.  We call it depression/anxiety... etc.  I’m a physician (non-psych) so I understand they are interconnected).
Most of the time she is “highly functioning”.  I have molded my life around the condition.  I don’t think I resent that as much as I worry about the example it sets for my daughters.  They see that pattern in their maternal grandparents and know it isn’t healthy.  As they grow older they are starting to make comments about me/us emulating that pattern.  
What prompted my post: mostly because I realize I’m in denial with my head in the sand and things tend to eventually get “better”.  I need new coping skills for my wife’s benefit but also because I don’t have the same reserve that I did for the first 20 years of our relationship.  My wife has gained about 50 pounds in the last year and changed jobs and changed medications (still not done transitioning). Most recently she has rented an apartment for 2 weeks and moved out because of the way I treat her.  It was triggered by a small work dinner.  She is uncomfortable at these and I usually don’t attend or go alone, but this was a “thank you” dinner with 2 other couples and i mistakenly thought it would be too awkward to go alone or decline the invite.  She didn’t like the fact that I drank more than I normally do (true) or the subject matter (work) that we discussed.  We got home and she threw a hot cup of tea and glass literally showered all over the kitchen.  She called me many vile names and then just got in the car and left for the night.  No message about where she went or what she did.  She came back late the next day and said she had an apartment.  Both other couples contacted me from the dinner to tell me what a great time they had.  When these things happen in my marriage they last for days and my wife hear and reads messages from me with a filter (that interprets everything as an attack/insult.  I try to pick my words carefully and to Use some of the methods recommended here, but for us only time helps.   I work a lot but have always been a good father and husband.  Clearly I am not meeting her needs.  I know that that is an impossible task.  I just want to set a good example for my daughters and keep my own emotional/mental health while trying my best to meet my wife’s needs. I have always been crushed when my wife threatens separation or divorce.  This time I am sad but almost relieved. I know that I can’t tiptoe around anymore, but I am scared of the alternative because all our/my prior efforts to do something constructive (prior marriage counseling, her psych appts, her sobriety, her meds) having led to enough stability in my opinion.  I know I likely need therapy as a personal resource as I don’t have any close friends anymore (IMO I let my wife’s BPD cause this).  How frequent should I expect flares of this magnitude under the best conditions?  We are down to about once a year, but that along with small monthly flare, and mediocre quality of marriage in the interim isn’t enough for me anymore.
Thanks for reading,
BB

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear BB-
I’d like to welcome you to our BPD family.  If you’ve been reading the boards, or begin to read them, you’ve seen this is a very supportive community.  You’ll find some great help and comfort here.  And I also want to tell you that due to the anonymity, it’s a great place to vent emotions and let off steam if you ever need that... .

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.  It’s great that you acknowledge the work your uBPDw has done with her sobriety and med compliance.  In many LT marriages, partners can sort of circle one another in the day to day, life becomes kind of rote, and both partners can feel they become invisible and somewhat “unimportant” to the other.

With a suspected BPD partner, having to pick and choose words so carefully to maintain the calm, could elevate her feeling of invisibility.  NOT your fault.  What I mean by this is that YOU cannot just have easy conversation and fun with her.  It’s not possible, so there’s often a feeling of distance.  Plus she’s already got built-in emptiness... .and add to that the fact that she’s gained weight (probably peri or pre-menopausal maybe combined with meds) and she’s even more ashamed and/or angry- at herself, but blaming you.  Because in her reality, you’re responsible for all of her feelings.  Only you’re not.  You get that, right?  Has your uBPDw discussed the weight issue with you?

I have to commend you for keeping the stability for as long as you did.  Pretty amazing job.  And who would have thought that a small, intimate business dinner would have resulted in her getting an apartment? 

So here’s what I’d say on the dinner itself.  And all of this is assuming you haven’t done this.  You tell her you invited her to the dinner because you love her, she’s your wife, you’re proud of her and you WANTED her by your side there.  You own up to the fact that you drank too much, it was insensitive and it will NOT happen again. And you tell her the other two couples called and expressed how they enjoyed spending time with her at the restaurant.  And so did you.  I hope this is all true... .we are NOT supposed to validate the invalid.  What are your thoughts?

Now the apartment... .is uBPDw staying there full-time?  What about your daughters?  What has your wife told the girls and how have the girls reacted?  Please try to make yourself available to the girls to speak about this... .they’re likely very confused.  Ask the girls how they feel and hear what they have to say.

How often and in what ways has your uBPDw made separation or divorce threats in the past?  How have you handled any past threats?

In a LT relationship with kids and so much at stake it was bound to be HER that was going to strike out.  And your feeling of “relief” is not surprising at all.  Nor is your feeling of sadness.  This relationship is what you know, despite its difficulties.

You, my friend are a caretaker... .making sure that everyone and everything is okay.  It would be a good time for you to consider YOUR feelings here.  So I think, yes, therapy would be a good step.  And taking some fun time with your daughters (and maybe your uBPDw when appropriate) would be helpful.  And BB, go have lunch or a bike ride or to the gym with a friend!  Talk about sports, politics, etc.

Your wife has forced your hand, which is actually a GOOD thing, because you’re seeing that the head in the sand thing, mediocre marriage isn’t cutting it anymore.  May I ask... .are you and your uBPDw still intimate?

I realize this is a lot... .sorry.  I’m trying to get at the type of communication you’ve had, or haven’t had.  Have you read “Stop Walking on Eggshells”?  Members say this is a great read.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes