Can I reverse it? I triggered his fear of abandonment, getting silent treatment

[Sadrose]

Hi there,

I am glad I found this place, I would need some help to deal with my situation with a man.

I met a man months ago I have been involved with romantically. Our connection started intensely, I went to visit him soon after. We shared a lot in common and he was very enthusiastic about us. Poem, songs, heart emojis, flowers etc.

He told me about his personal issues, as "intimacy issues", struggling to share himself and connect to his partner as much as he'd like (still has had a long term relationship with a woman he's still friend with, that she ended a year ago, he said he wasn't invested enough). I believe his issues are about BPD, on the quiet side of the spectrum, as his anger seems to be internalized and he has passive aggressive behaviors as I discovered later on. Some splitting also, when discussing about certain topics, it seemed like he felt attacked personally. So I made sure he didn't feel judged when we discussed. And maybe I started to walk on eggshells a little bit.

He introduced me to a lot of friends, his parents even, and was hinting at a future together. At times I would feel him detached when together, but as we were almost always together and he told me he wasn't used to it (even when living with a previous partner), I thought he just had an avoidant attachment style.
We are both highly sensitive individuals. I have some BPD traits myself (which in relationships mostly translate in neediness and clinginess, rather than the usual push/pull pattern) and anxiously/preoccupied attached.

I started to be insecure and made the mistake to pressure him about the relationship. From there he mentioned other issues that were his priorities such as work/money, and that a committed relationship would come next. So there was a slight backpedaling. At the same time, I could see how loving and invested he was every day, he acted like my boyfriend very much in love. He made me feel very good and I started to develop deeper feelings for him.

On rare occasions I would feel like he forced himself into doing things (from his facial expression), there were probably some ambivalent feelings he kept inside. I was anxious about me living and being apart and started to be emotional, as he would avoid talking about it. He was uneasy at first and again "as detached", but eventually confessed he was scared also, and to my surprise that I would realize he wouldn't be able to meet my needs. Or that he would never see me again. Which surprised me a lot, as I had become emotional, needy, and not hiding my feelings to him.
As the intimacy deepened, he would struggle with being vulnerable but it seemed like he managed to open up and talked about his struggles.

We kept a daily contact through texting since I have left there and have been long distance again. After a few weeks, I felt like he was detaching emotionally, not sharing on a deeper level, not talking about us. I was insecure again and asked for more calls instead of texts. He agreed but often flaked. He was still reaching out everyday though. But I felt like he wasn't interested anymore and I was getting crumbs of interest. After weeks, we talked on a video call, and he said he had been busy and couldn't promise a relationship because he had a lot to focus on first. And for a change, because I had felt so anxious for weeks and was starving for an emotional connection again, I maybe wanted to cause a reaction, I said ok so it may be time to say good bye. I saw from his expression he was freaking out and said he still wanted to come visit me, even offered staying friends, which I declined because of my feelings for him. So we talked for a long time, he told me about his relationship issues again, needing to go to therapy etc.
When we finished, I deep down thought it wasn't the end. But after a few days of no contact, I panicked and realized I may have lost him and reached out saying how much I missed him and was hurting. He ignored me for days. which is not usual for our communication pattern.
He responded again very sweet, pretending he hadn't seen my texts and calls... .then saying he wanted to give me space (!) and how much he hated the feeling of being ignored. He agreed on catching up later but flaked again and disappeared for days. He ignored my texts.

I believe I triggered his fear of abandonment and he has painted me black, and I can't stop beating myself up for that.

So I sent him an open-hearted email where I explained I was afraid of losing him and because I had felt he was detaching from me, I hadn't been authentic and said things I didn't really want, how I was sorry that I hurt him. I said he must be angry with me for ignoring me and how it was cruel and I was hurting.
He responded rapidly in a very cold way, turning tables saying he was clear he wanted to break things off and wanted to be friends if i'd like, that he needed to stay single. The overall tone is patronizing me, not taking accountability for hurting me and giving me the silent treatment, he just has been busy... .

I was devastated when I read this email, I can feel he still is angry with me. I don't recognize the man I have been with.
I haven't responded. It's been a week and I am in agony of losing him and feeling guilty for causing the breakup initially.

I don't know if I should take him at his word and consider that he just wants to end things.

My gut feeling tells me it is his inner wounded child who wrote this cold email and has ignored me, and I am still split as an all bad person.

I am also angry with him, not being able to understand my feelings I explained, for not being empathetic. And this cruel silent treatment.

And I miss the connection we have had, the laughter, his mannerisms and views on things... .


Thank you if you have read me this far! I would appreciate your insight and advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Sadrose,



Sorry to hear things are not going as you'd like with your friend. It sounds like there were a lot of issues you weren't in sync over, that can happen in any relationship. Hopefully other members will join us here and share their experiences and insights in relation to what you have discussed here.

Which BPD traits does he seem to have as far as you can tell?

It does seem like he has made it clear he has other priorities than relationships - he seems focused on money/work.

You did decline to be friends with him... .what are you expecting now with him in light of this? Do you think he might be getting mixed messages from you?

No need to beat yourself up! We all make mistakes when it comes to relationships - they can be very confusing and we can get very out of sync with others... .We often want different things. It sounds like the timing was a bit off between you too. He seems to have clearly stated a relationship was not his number one priority. That won't be forever... .do you want to stick around and build the friendship or move on a bit so you don't hurt so much?

wishing you peace, pearl.
 

[Sadrose]

Thank you Pearl for your message.

Actually we were never "friends", we have been lovers / romantically involved... .even if it was early on for him to consider an official relationship.
However it has been going this way, he even asked about how I felt about marriage. I believe my insecurities and impatience to be official triggered him. The money/work/therapy came after, as excuses I believe.
But there is also a cultural gap, so I don't know what you refer to for "friend" (when people share intimacy and romantic feelings?). I am not familiar to the American concept of dating.

As for his BPD traits, he is very sensitive, tends to take things personally as criticism, experiences mood swings, had addiction to substances in the past. He wants to be close and intimate and then at times would get anxious and engulfed. Sometimes I had felt like he wanted to please me, having inner mixed feelings though. It would sometimes manifest as passive aggressive behaviors (not doing something when he said he would, or giving a silent treatment even in my presence, like an emotional disconnect). Very ambivalent and volatile, wanting one thing and its opposite the next day.
Sometimes I have felt like he was mirroring me to seduce me, sharing the same interests and even mentioned changing career to do like me. He starts a lot of things but seems to not follow through. Suggestible. He tends to isolate from others at times, interpersonal relating causes him a lot of stress. He is still "friend" with his ex, and he told me that it has always been a mother/child dynamic and he would like to be able to support his partner. He is in his forties, but he has this "waif" character, his issues keep him dependent on others/loved ones.


I believe I triggered his fear of abandonment when I said first we should break it off and he didn't expect that, he wanted to keep contact and come visit me. I was firm and only then he suggested we stay friends but i declined it. Then he started to ignore my "sorry" messages.
My email didn't improve things, telling him I was sorry, hurting and his silence was cruel seemed to irritate him even more. Maybe it has reflected a bad image to him and he can't stand it. (all my moves seem to be wrong)
Therefore when he now writes he has other priorities, it sounds to me like he is resentful and still angry with me, "she won't stay around no matter what, so better do a preemptive breakup"... .
Also because of the overall tone that is very cold and patronizing.

Anyway he no longer communicates on a daily basis as he had been, so something has radically changed...
I haven't replied to the email and I am waiting for him to reach out again.
You ask what I expect now with him as I declined the friendship... .It's tricky because we have shared so much that I can't see myself as just a friend now.

I wonder how should I connect if (only) he does. Keeping it light and avoiding all heavy emotional subjects?


Thank you for reading me   

[Sadrose]

HI everyone,

I hoped I would get more insights and experiences from people dealing with a loved one with BPD.

I would really need some help and support to get through this short but nonetheless very intense and genuine relationship (at least on my side).

I apologize for my English, it's not my first language, so I hope I'll convey my story and feelings properly.

I realized I have focussed on how I think I messed up, and scared and pressured him. Probably that is a typical thing we do as people involved with loved ones with BPD or as codependents. Focussing on how we messed up... .and we walk on eggshells, instead of focussing on our needs and setting stronger boundaries.

The whole relationship had been so intense for 3 months, it was like the love-bombing phase I had with a narcissist, except this time I was convinced there were REAL emotions involved and didn't doubt he cared about me.
He introduced me to friends, his parents who loved me... .I saw some signs but on the whole I also saw he was happy and so was I.

So now, after I received a very cold and detached email from him who says he wants to break it off and stay friends and denies having ignoring me, just explains being busy (when we texted everyday), I am left stunned.

It is like I have been hallucinating the whole relationship.

How can he suddenly shut down on me like he flips the switch?

My intuition is that he has been hurt that I first triggered his abandonment fear, I wanted to be more connected and he flaked. His avoidance was controlling, setting up the pace of our connection, on his terms.

I believe he has spilt on me since then and I am all black now. So as his email is so dismissive and he dumped me, I won't contact him.

Also being long distance, I can understand that he needs more tangible persons around him, and that the idea of me has become a fantasy/memory. As people with BPD have little object constancy.

I am hurting because it is brutal.

From your experiences, is it possible that he would reach out to me later on, after a "burning bridges" last message?

[once removed]

are you open to reaching out to him?

it might help to share some specific parts of his last email to you if youre comfortable doing so. we can give some feedback and maybe see about next steps.

validation, where appropriate, could go a long way and help cool things off.

[singularity]

Hi Sadrose...

Sorry to hear that you are going through so much... I can feel how you feel too.  I think I triggered my girlfriend and she pushed me away, and I overreacted now and suddenly its all gone quiet and all I am left with is a feeling of regret and unable to say "Sorry".

If, like me, you care about this person, are you feeling like you want to explain yourself, but worried that if you reach out it will push them away further?  Would you wait for this person?

I just took the depression test and I rate on the "severe" at the moment.  I could suggest trying it to see how badly it is affecting you.  From what I read, it will become easier and easier.  People here are supportive and here for you.

I wish you peace.

[Sadrose]

Thanks for your replies!


Once removed,  Do you think reaching out again would be beneficial?

I know people with BPD can experience reality distortions and have a hard time to keep in mind the chronology of events... .I think I reached out enough for him to know I didn't want to break up and care for him... .

Actually after I regretted to break think off and texted him how I felt, he ignored me for days, even when I texted how I cared for him and that I was hurting... .He responded days after (which was very unusual), saying he hadn't seen these, and later, that he wanted to give me space... .So quite confusing, not owning he had been angry (that's the thing with him, he is not assertive and represses his negative feelings, which must be overwhelming I imagine).

 Still he told me caring and seemingly loving things in that brief exchange, agreed on contacting me later but flaked... .disappeared for days again... .I let him some space, could feel the pattern had definitely changed since we had initial conversation when I said it was time to say goodbye because of his inconsistencies...
When I reached out and he ignored me again, I decided to email him and properly say "sorry", explaining why I came to say I wanted to break things off, because I felt he was disconnecting from me... I also told him his silent treatment was cruel and he must be angry at me... .(which in hindsight may have triggered him even more! At this point I don't know what I could do, I thought at least I would have told him my truth). I even told him sometimes we say the contrary that what we want, just to protect us... .
He replied very quickly and coldly. The overall tone is detached, annoyed and almost patronizing when he denies ignoring me, and explains when people don't respond right away, they don't ignore you, people are busy etc. In substance, he says we had an amazing connection but he has to focus on his problems etc and has to stay single and that it won't change. He keeps repeating that he has been clear and doesn't know what to say... .would like to stay friends. but no relationship.

The thing he has never been that "clear" before and he addresses me as if I was delusional and stalking him, when the week prior he would still be sending very loving text messages.

He is also turning tables and owning the breakup when I was the one to bring it up first. Maybe that is gaslighting?

But anyways, I feel so dismissed that I don't recognize the man I have been involved with, who wrote me poems not long ago...

I think I better stay out of contact. Let him own his words and see if he misses me or not.

If he has split on me, as it appears, it may not change his mind that soon. And another attempt to connect could intensify his fear of engulfment?

I don't even imagine him at this point reconnecting with me one day. I am discovering him actually.
What kind of "attachment" was it... .

He had told me many things that I should have listened to more carefully. fear of intimacy, irritability... Mostly like warnings, rather than things he takes accountability for and intends to work on.

Last time we had the "big" conversation he told me about the mother and child type of dynamic he had with his ex, and it makes a lot of sense in the context of that disorder now. How he would want to stay friends with her, and how maybe consequently he would not be ready to invest in another relationship, even after an intense seduction phase, talking about future plans with me to withdraw when I started to appear "hooked".

Singularity, thank you for your words. I saw your thread and will comment there also. There is a lot to say as well and I can totally relate to your pain and the confusion you are experiencing.

I am very depressed at the moment. His sudden shift and lack of empathy is affecting me the most.

I had short liaisons with narcissists in the past and it was very damaging and abusive eventually, I sort of find myself in the same confused state when I doubt of everything I have lived with him. Except this time, emotions seemed genuine... .but the discard feels the same.

[once removed]

Do you think reaching out again would be beneficial?

not presently.

i think that right now it sounds like you are frustrated, hurt, and understandably feel the onus is on him to reach out... .claiming your space a bit.

you may feel that way tomorrow. you may decide to move on in a week or so. or you may want to reconnect.

i think not being satisfied with the relationship status and not wanting to be friends is valid.

from a reversing a breakup side of things, the first step is ending the cycle of conflict (if possible) and stopping the bleeding, so to speak.

if you were to reach out, a different, and very light approach might be beneficial.

[singularity]

Sorry to post here...  I know I have my own thread on the forum.  

Once_removed, your post gave me some idea of what to do. I still haven't heard from her in response to my very (I hope) simple email to her today.  I think I will give it some time and might decide to move on.  (Highly unlikely though, I still have a lot of feelings for her)

Sadrose, I hope a few days might give you a chance to heal.  Oddly enough the fact that she isn't replying to me makes me understand (little by little) that I deserve more than to be devalued and discarded this way.

[Sadrose]

Once removed, thank you very much for your comment and insight.

It's been more than 3 weeks since we had the conversation and I talked about ending things as I felt him disconnected and flaking on calls... .And I can't move on. I don't want to.
Even if I apologized soon after and explained myself, he definitely stopped to contact me daily... and ignored me for days.

In his email, he claims having no ill feelings, being just busy and not ignoring me... .Which he is obviously doing!

Is it common among your partners to display this passive aggressive attitude, not owning their anger? But acting it out?

Is it possible that by saying we should break it off, even regretting it soon after, this may have him devalue me completely?

If I were to reach out in some time, does the light approach you suggest exclude talking about my feelings for him (that i miss him etc)? And keeping a friendly tone, not emotionally loaded?

[childhoodgone]

I sincerely cannot understand why BPD ego is so big, so that if someone with BPD feels that he/she might be abandoned/dumped,
he/she dumps first.

This looks like the most common minfvck in the BPD world

Anyone can explain?

[Sadrose]

CHildhoodgone,

Absolutely, it seems like a preemptive strike/breakup. A defense mechanism, to avoid abandonment. If there is no one there is no risk of abandon.

Actually I was the first one to drop if, because long distance, he would only text and often flake when I wanted to connect through calls...
I was anxious, getting daily texts from him but frustrated about where to stand. He had stopped to be the super romantic thoughtful lover suddenly... .(probably as he felt my attachment and expectations growing, as his fear of engulfment and dissolution of self?).

I said that I have some BPD traits myself (mostly quiet) and an anxious attachment style. When I brought up "it's time to say goodbye then" (and regretted it soon after, but he ignored it), I was myself reacting to his seemingly detachment and my frustration had been building up for weeks. But it as mostly anger and pride.
BUT I never really wanted to break up, I realized four days after, when he took it at my word and wasn't reaching out... .

SO I can kind of understand the logic of acting out of fear of losing someone you care for... .

Meanwhile he reached out, loving again... .But disappeared again and continued to ignore my messages and calls.

What baffles me is that after I sent him my explanations in an email and saying how much I regretted it and ho his silence was cruel and i was hurting : he replied saying HE had been clear HE wanted to break things off and stay friends etc. he writes "sorry you feel hurt but I'm not even sure what this all even means... ." very patronizing and hidden anger, even though he says there is no ill feelings, no ignoring and nothing personal... .

Is it gas lighting? Distortion of reality? Did he recreate the chronology of events according to what he can stand?

Is it the male ego that has been hurt and he shuts down to any emotions now?

Am I now purposely forgotten, erased from his mind?

I did not respond. I prefer to believe he was reacting and very angry when he wrote it. But bottomline, it may not be pure meanness but still results as a lack of empathy. He must be self-absorbed and there is no room to hear I am hurting.

I can absolutely imagine that even if he regrets it now, he won't reach out.

He maybe burned the bridges on purpose because I triggered his fear of abandonment and he isn't taking the risk of being hurt by me ever again.

IF anyone has experienced that and can explain, it would be of great help.

[livednlearned]

I said that I have some BPD traits myself (mostly quiet) and an anxious attachment style.

I admire your self-awareness and knowing how your emotions work. What are the traits that you most identify with? Maybe we can help tease out the parts of the dynamic that fueled the breakdown with him to help end what could be a cycle of conflict, like once removed mentioned. 

When I brought up "it's time to say goodbye then" (and regretted it soon after, but he ignored it), I was myself reacting to his seemingly detachment and my frustration had been building up for weeks.

What struck you as detached about him?

Was there an expectation that he respond within a certain amount of time? Or that he initiate contact a certain number of times?

[Sadrose]

Livednlearned, thank you for your comment and suggestion.  

About my own BPD traits, I got aware of it after many years of therapy for depression and anxiety issues. Also I am in the mental health field now which has led me to work on myself and be more self-aware (but still have a lot to solve .
Though there is such a wide variety of how BPD can manifest in individuals, my traits are not easy to spot from outside but I identify with the hypersensitivity, the intense moods (positive and negative), the emotional dysregulation and need of another person to contain it, I have felt the need of another person (a bit like a crutch), the feeling of being empty when alone sometimes. I have self harmed when I got very anxious on rare occasions. The impression of not existing when alone (though I have been alone most of my life and never jumped from a relationship to another).
For a long time I thought the fear of abandonment wasn't really an issue for me, but now I know that I just avoided relationships completely for a long time, in order not to be confronted with the emotional rollercoaster that relationships would cause in me. The fear of rejection.
Splitting : If I look in hindsight all the relationships (friends) that I lost, cut ties with, because they disappointed me at some point, because I overwhelmed them with a problem I needed to vent, or a heartbreak or any other thing that obsessed me and would naturally annoy them after a while... I was clingy, rather than the push/pull pattern. People would just pull away from me, or I'd felt rejected or judged (like a blow to my ego and got upset), probably "decided" (split on them) they were no good anymore and honestly forgot about them for years. Recently as I was thinking about my relationship dynamics in the past, I have realized that so and so was actually nice and I could have kept them in my life... .it really baffles me how I actually could forgot a friend that I used to like for a certain time. (The irony is that he is doing it to me now, but much more brutally though)
 I think I have discovered a bit late (but rather late than never!) the different shades of grey, and stopped sorting people into black and white categories when they disappoint me. I have just gotten more mature luckily, and probably therapy/my education have helped, got a bit stronger, less reactive and hence more tolerant about others' shortcomings. However I still have fragile boundaries, which make me very empathic and sensitive to others, but also too dependent on loved ones and I can easily lose my center. (most of my "romantic" relationships were short term connections with abusive narcissists).


About when I brought up "it's time to say goodbye", it was during a FaceTime conversation (being long distance now), it was after weeks of him giving me crumbs/texts of interest and withdrawing emotionally, flaking on his promises to call etc. SO during this conversation, he started to say he had been busy, he couldn't promise a relationship (he had said it already) but wanted to still come visit me. He looked so nonchalant at this moment, my frustration had been building up for weeks, so I did the questions and answers as I do often (anticipation of rejection?) and asked "do you still want to text daily?" or something, he said still super nonchalant "it doesn't bother me... " I was pissed at this moment and said lightly (but angry inside), that i didn't want someone who wasn't bothered to contact me, but really wanted to be with 100% etc... .From then the power game shifts as I changed and was willing to walk away and I saw him freaking out, he said he still wanted to come visit, I refused saying it would be confusing... Then he insisted on his own mental struggles, his former relationship mother-child dynamic with his ex (he is still not in therapy), complaining about his life issues... But still not giving me a bit of reassurance. I felt like he wasn't compromising and was willing to let me go, and subconsciously that is maybe what I was testing.
In hindsight, I think I rushed the breakup, I dumped myself in other words, because I needed more clarity and couldn't deal with his uncertainty and wishy washy feelings. I also felt a little more power suddenly and pushed it too far. And obviously it backfired because he took me at my words, and now acts as if he wanted to break things off.

His email doesn't leave me much hope. It's definite, cold and detached. Burning bridges behind him.

And at this point, I don't see myself reaching out. I would feel as a doormat. I told him enough I was sorry and miss him.

I'd like as you suggest to end the conflict cycle, but the thing is he doesn't acknowledge there is a conflict and his own anger. He continues his passive aggressive denial of the situation. Nothing personal, No ill feelings, he just had been busy etc. And we aren't talking since then.

[livednlearned]

still have a lot to solve

Don't we all  

I think I have discovered a bit late (but rather late than never!) the different shades of grey, and stopped sorting people into black and white categories when they disappoint me. I have just gotten more mature luckily, and probably therapy/my education have helped, got a bit stronger, less reactive and hence more tolerant about others' shortcomings.

What a big revelation. There are a lot of people (incl people who are not BPD) who don't recognize they do this.

I still have fragile boundaries, which make me very empathic and sensitive to others, but also too dependent on loved ones and I can easily lose my center.

It does sound like a boundary issue is at the core of what happened in the relationship.

I can see why you would feel confused by this:

I brought up "it's time to say goodbye", it was during a FaceTime conversation (being long distance now), it was after weeks of him giving me crumbs/texts of interest and withdrawing emotionally, flaking on his promises to call etc. SO during this conversation, he started to say he had been busy, he couldn't promise a relationship (he had said it already) but wanted to still come visit me.

I know in my family of origin, when I seek emotional intimacy, people retreat. When I have boundaries, they advance. But if I respond to those advances, they disappear like a puff of smoke.

The "it's time to say goodbye" seems like one part of a dynamic that was going on well before you said it, and maybe would continue long after, even if you didn't say it. Looking at what happened, zooming out to see it from the big picture, does it look a bit like push/pull?

I felt like he wasn't compromising and was willing to let me go, and subconsciously that is maybe what I was testing.

It takes a lot of courage to see this, Sadrose. How would you do it different if you had a do-over?

I'd like as you suggest to end the conflict cycle, but the thing is he doesn't acknowledge there is a conflict and his own anger. He continues his passive aggressive denial of the situation. Nothing personal, No ill feelings, he just had been busy etc. And we aren't talking since then.

Sometimes two seemingly opposite things can both be true. I wonder if he was both busy and feeling ... .something else that caused him to retreat.

The good bit about working on a cycle of conflict is that you only have control over what you do, so you can look at the parts of the breakdown where you had a part, and (like you've done so well), analyze what was going on for you in that moment, how did it impact him, etc.

You are already doing this remarkably well, Sadrose. My observation is only that the dynamic was moving in a direction well before the decision to end things.

So ending the cycle of conflict might be devising a separate action for yourself when the intense needs begin to heighten. When people feel emotionally fragile (as he has indicated he feels), it can be overwhelming to handle the needs of someone else. Retreating is a natural response, and may be independent of how he feels about you. Meaning, he pulls away because of how he feels.

Pulling away can often be a way to create a physical boundary when the emotional/psychological one is confusing or difficult for someone to assert.

When people don't know what they are feeling, or why, it's not unusual to need space to try and figure it out. Or at the very least, dial down some of the intensity (whether it's coming from someone else or from within) to get back to baseline.

What are your thoughts?

[SunandMoon]

Hi Sadrose

This is a very interesting and intelligent conversation. I'm also impressed by your level of self awareness.

On thing that jumped out to me in your post was this:

For a long time I thought the fear of abandonment wasn't really an issue for me, but now I know that I just avoided relationships completely for a long time, in order not to be confronted with the emotional rollercoaster that relationships would cause in me. 

Knowing this, do you think this could also be what's going on with your boyfriend? He says he's busy, has other priorities, plus you are long distance (and object impermanence may come into this).

I notice this often in pwBPD - that they have a need to dial things back and put you in the friend zone when a relationship feels overwhelming.

Contrary to what you think, I think there's a good chance you will get together again. Although I also agree with your statement that you don't want to be a doormat and contact him again (yet).

My question would be: knowing all this, having done a lot of work on understanding yourself, knowing that he is not in therapy and obviously has problems - plus taking into account your history of attracting narcissists - is this the best relationship for you to pursue?

With best wishes
SaM

[Sadrose]

Hi there


Thank you livednlearned and SaM.
I really appreciated your replies and the insights you gave me. I took those last days to reflect on.

About the splitting mechanism, yes it is a primitive mechanism but we all do it all the time, not only people with BPD or psychosis.

I like that video that explains it very simply, and this channel is pretty good : https://youtu.be/1XgMZ1YgyoE

It is also a way for oneself not to accept the ambivalence, which leads to the depression stage described by Melanie Klein, and it's a way for the self to stay absolutely good and project its hatred onto the other person.

Well, I would say I am currently in a very ambivalent AND depressed phase... .
I am longing for him and miss our daily texting, but also have started to see his flaws in the relationship and feel angry with him.

I know in my family of origin, when I seek emotional intimacy, people retreat. When I have boundaries, they advance. But if I respond to those advances, they disappear like a puff of smoke.

The "it's time to say goodbye" seems like one part of a dynamic that was going on well before you said it, and maybe would continue long after, even if you didn't say it. Looking at what happened, zooming out to see it from the big picture, does it look a bit like push/pull?

Livednlearned, this has made me realize how much my emotional needs may have felt like a burden on his shoulders. The same dynamic that in your family of origin : the more I was asking for emotional intimacy, the more he was avoiding it, flaked on calling and avoided deeper conversations.

And yes I definitely, during that conversation, I was doing some push/pull... .out of desperation and feeling powerless... .

I had been leaving him a month before, and in the beginning he was still sharing himself emotionally during the first weeks. Sending me fun texts about our private jokes and common interests... .sometimes out of nowhere. And I remember I even felt that was strange, as if he wanted to keep alive our connection, knowing it was doomed to fade out... .I don't know but he made efforts then.
I also tried to accept we couldn't be sharing deep conversations everyday from a distance and not to get anxious. I didn't bring up the subject of when are we going to meet again, I didn't want to pressure him... I told him that some video chats from time to time would help keep the connection alive... .I was voicing my needs and maybe he felt smothered.

When people feel emotionally fragile (as he has indicated he feels), it can be overwhelming to handle the needs of someone else. Retreating is a natural response, and may be independent of how he feels about you. Meaning, he pulls away because of how he feels.

Pulling away can often be a way to create a physical boundary when the emotional/psychological one is confusing or difficult for someone to assert.

When people don't know what they are feeling, or why, it's not unusual to need space to try and figure it out. Or at the very least, dial down some of the intensity (whether it's coming from someone else or from within) to get back to baseline.

This is very insightful and you both suggest it... .I realize that in my attempts to get him back after I broke thing off, by sending him emotional texts "I miss you" etc and "I am hurting" because he ignored it for days... .And more recently my email (which was very emotional as well, expressing him my fear of losing him and how i was in pain because of the silent treatment, i also repeated it was cruel)... .I guess that was maybe another layer of too intense feelings to deal with.
As you suggest, this could have been a lot to deal with and (the "cruel" thing) may even be taken as a criticism of him.
Hence his response, cold and detached where HE pretends he has been very clear, he wanted to end things during this last conversation etc.

And SaM you mention :

he has other priorities, plus you are long distance (and object impermanence may come into this)

I think that you could be the underlying main reason of that breakup. After the first couple of weeks apart, I tried not to get anxious, but his daily texting was more and more detached emotionally. He often flaked on calling me after I asked, sometimes I called him and kept it short but I could feel he was not really into it and sort of forcing him. This was strange to me, because we could have continued to share our interests and everyday experiences. He would instead send me nice photos of the area and also selfies (which suggests my girlfriend look narcissist), sometimes even forgot to ask about how i was doing. Here I have to say when we met and during the whole time we spent there together, he was enthusiastic about what we had in common, always paid a lot of attention to what I liked (even started to learn my mother tongue), interested about my career field etc... .(now I wonder if he was acting like a chameleon just to seduce me) And after a couple of weeks being long distance, it was like I was no longer interesting... .Not worth asking about the same things or how I was doing. I wanted to ask about our next visit this summer but didn't want to smother him.

So was it object impermanency? Or did he seduce me as narcissists do and then became fed up? (but why continuing to text daily then... )
Sometimes suddenly, he would send sweet and loving messages... when the previous day he was pretty cold... .So I was constantly confused and hence anxious, was he playing me or sincerely attached? During our time together, I really had had no doubt about him being in love with me and left quite optimistic about our future... .

When I look at his email (our last interaction two weeks ago) : the content is very clear (he keeps repeating that word, when he had been confusing all the time!), he wrote that he needs to get his life together and needs to stay alone and single, it will not change, the long distance relationship is not a good idea... Bad timing... He offers friendship... He keeps saying that he had been repeating the same thing (which is not true otherwise I would never had gone visit him if he wasn't looking for something meaningful as he said when we met). He denied ignoring me, when he used to text daily until we had that conversation that caused this... So he's not very honest there. It all gives off vibes of anger and exasperation. He does not even say my name in the beginning. The points make sense but I find the email very detestable and I can't recognize the man who was so sweet with me and in tears when I left.
It looks like he is burning bridges behind him and making sure I won't ever reach out after that.



SaM what makes you think this? So do you think I could reach out one day (and not devalue myself in his eyes)?

Contrary to what you think, I think there's a good chance you will get together again. Although I also agree with your statement that you don't want to be a doormat and contact him again (yet).

He is an artist and his work is very oriented towards the past, melancholic, sort of celebrating the loss and indulging in sadness. He probably is better at ease in sadness and loneliness, because in a relationship and happiness, he would have to sustain the emotional rollercoaster and risk the possibility of loss.

I have been no contact for almost two weeks. I am depressed and grieving the connection. Our relationship and the time we had been together were so great, as he acknowledged it. So this sudden ending feels brutal and I wonder if was grieving long before I am now.

My question would be: knowing all this, having done a lot of work on understanding yourself, knowing that he is not in therapy and obviously has problems - plus taking into account your history of attracting narcissists - is this the best relationship for you to pursue?

This is a good question SaM... .strangely enough he seemed to be very self-aware of his issues (he mentioned being easily irritated, "mean" at times, the mother child relationship dynamic, self sabotage and intimacy issues) but never mentioned BPD, but the fact he still hasn't started to go to therapy is a problem. He still is not taking accountability, and his solution is to avoid relationships consequently.
He would probably not be the best choice I could make right now. Maybe it is due to the distance. In person, things were so great, it was the honeymoon stage and the signs I perceived did not seem that problematic... .at least we discussed it.
I also keep in mind what he has been showing me lately could be somewhat narcissistic.
I had felt fantastic with him, this delicious merging love feeling, and now this discard, I have no value to him anymore. No more messages on my phone, it is very strange and doesn't feel real.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Sadrose

Your post slipped down the page and I almost missed your reply!

I think you're doing a really good job of analysing all the dynamics behind what has happened. It's a good idea to go back and read through your whole thread sometimes, as it will help the picture come together.

I want to highlight these points you have made:

He told me about his personal issues, as "intimacy issues", struggling to share himself and connect to his partner as much as he'd like (still has had a long term relationship with a woman he's still friend with, that she ended a year ago, he said he wasn't invested enough).

I started to be insecure and made the mistake to pressure him about the relationship. From there he mentioned other issues that were his priorities such as work/money, and that a committed relationship would come next.

In substance, he says we had an amazing connection but he has to focus on his problems etc and has to stay single and that it won't change.

You have already recognised this, it's similar to what you were saying you had done previously - avoiding relationships in order not to be confronted with the emotional rollercoaster they cause.

So you had a long distance friendship, you met in person and spent time together and that time was wonderful, leading you to think you had a relationship. When you returned, his interest dwindled (or seemed to).

Factors coming into play behind this could be push/pull behaviour of pwBPD, his fear of becoming too attached (and of the emotional rollercoaster), worry about how to maintain a long distance relationship and not knowing if he can continue without seeing you, worry that if he allows himself to care too much he will get hurt hence needing to go back to just being friends... .

When you pushed him for more than he was ready to give (possibly because he was overwhelmed by all of the above), he pushed away harder.

Don't feel guilty for ending the relationship. You were reacting to a series of pushes which - combined with your own anxious attachment style - triggered that reaction. It's good - you get a chance to learn more about yourself and what you might want to work on.

I wouldn't be surprised, with him being a quiet borderline (who do act passive aggressively btw), that his behaviour was actually designed to cause a break up. Or at least was a test... .

Livednlearned made a really good observation:

You are already doing this remarkably well, Sadrose. My observation is only that the dynamic was moving in a direction well before the decision to end things.

So ending the cycle of conflict might be devising a separate action for yourself when the intense needs begin to heighten. When people feel emotionally fragile (as he has indicated he feels), it can be overwhelming to handle the needs of someone else. Retreating is a natural response, and may be independent of how he feels about you. Meaning, he pulls away because of how he feels. 

A relationship with a pwBPD does mean taking into account fear of engulfment (losing himself), and him needing time and space to process his own feelings... .things that have nothing to do with you really. How do you take care of yourself during those times?

SaM what makes you think this? So do you think I could reach out one day (and not devalue myself in his eyes)?

Quote
Contrary to what you think, I think there's a good chance you will get together again. Although I also agree with your statement that you don't want to be a doormat and contact him again (yet).
 

I think you could reach out with something very light to gauge his response. Maybe send him a photo and say something like: "I just found this photo of... .and was remembering we had such a great time that day! We did have some very special times. Hope you are well?"

I've deliberately left the question mark at the end, as it opens the way for a response.

If he does respond, you will need to be disciplined to keep your conversations light and friendly; no pressure, no relationship talk... .definitely no blaming! That may go on for quite a while until he comes back around and you can resume your relationship.

It's tough Sadrose... .I hope you are taking care of yourself during all this and making time to do things you enjoy and that will make you feel a bit better   

[Samson1234@]

Hey Sadrose,

I enjoyed reading your post, it makes me feel like I am not the only one in this situation.

I have just had something similar... .met a girl, became best friends, started a three month relationship and pop it just went one day (from my perspective).


Initially it was very much like a love bombing period, from very very early on in the relationship she was using the love word, leaving me notes hidden all over my house, talking about our future together... .There were a few times when what felt to my like tiny tiny little things resulted in almost explosive rage but they passed and she went back to being amazing again.

But one of those things resulted in her screaming at me and she used words that to me felt final, so I took them as being so and I was also very angry at her. I have since learned that im not allowed to be angry too or protect my feelings as that devalues the credibility of hers and she reacts badly to that... .I get called abusive and controlling and she says that I steamroll over her and her feelings if I assert mine. But none the less because she said the things she did to me and because I was frankly annoyed at her I backed off and wasn't there for her at a time she needed me and to her that was a massive deal - she felt betrayed, that I had promised her id always be there for her and when it came to it I ran away, that I had lied to her about that to manipulate her into a relationship with me and she felt groomed and when I said I needed a minute to calm down she said that I was "punishing her"... its all crazy stuff, I was angry at her for the way she behaved but to her it was rejection and she felt it was a breach of trust.

This was the moment our relationship changed, I backed off slightly for a day because she had screamed at me for nothing and to her that triggered her fear of abandonment... .it went downhill from there.

Right now we are talking amicably here and there, she messaged me yesterday saying she missed my kids etc, but there is no talk of reconciling. She wants to move away and maybe that's stopping her, who knows, but it went from absolute intense love to feeling nothing other than wanting friendship in a very short period of time.


None of this helps you of course but I just saw similarities in how our SO's thought and had acted and the reasons for that and so your post kind of validates my thoughts that this is all about BPD not about me being bad or not good enough.

Hurts though doesn't it, so much

[Sadrose]

Hi everyone,

Thank you SaM for your insights and analysis . It's so helpful to read you right now that I am so confused after 15 days of no contact. I will read the thread from the beginning again.
As time goes by since he dumped me in his last email, I tried to move on, focussing on the frustrating aspects of the relationship, his passive aggressive behaviors and lack of empathy. However I can't forget our fantastic moments together and would wish if only I had a button I could press to erase all the memories.
I actually envy him, he seems to be able to move on as if nothing happened between us.

He certainly is a quiet borderline, but I am also a very sensitive person, with attachment trauma and deep fear of abandonment and he does not seem to stop functioning as he is not reaching out. I am more and more depressed. As days pass and I realize I will have to live with that, the first fantastic months and amazing time together, and this confusing, petty, nonsensical ending. It seems unbearable.
I am currently visiting a friend, nearby the sea, I should be distracted but I feel crushed inside. Having to pretend I am ok is exhausting. I feel like I need to go back to my place and stay there alone and be all consumed with that sadness. 

I have been watching videos about the no contact rule that is advised after a partner dumps you. And I initially wanted to follow that path, consider him as a "regular" ex with no specific mental disorder. Because I need to feel wanted as well (see if and when he would reach out) and because he dumped me with not much concern, not even asking about how i am doing since then.
Though I am also confused and wonder if he is self sabotaging and deep down wants me to contact him or even test me. He could be the type to indulge in his misery after he burnt the bridges behind him in this preemptive strike.

You have already recognised this, it's similar to what you were saying you had done previously - avoiding relationships in order not to be confronted with the emotional rollercoaster they cause.

In a way, we may have some things in common indeed. Though I am no longer avoiding and when I am in a relationship, I don't experience fear of losing myself if I get too attached. I want the closeness and fear the abandonment rather than the need to push the person away.
I really wonder how he could have maintained a nine years relationship... .He explained he had this child/mother dynamic and was very much on his own, not invested in the other person as much.
I imagine very self absorbed.
Which looks kind of manipulative a bit, because in the first months, he was so interested in everything I said and wanted, very caring (and lately had stopped asking how i was doing). He even started to learn my native tongue. Maybe was it mirroring in order to hook me? The fact that all his efforts progressively stopped when I started to show my attachment is worrying. Is it narcissistic? Is it manipulation? Because he was good at relationship in the beginning.

So you had a long distance friendship, you met in person and spent time together and that time was wonderful, leading you to think you had a relationship. When you returned, his interest dwindled (or seemed to).

Factors coming into play behind this could be push/pull behaviour of pwBPD, his fear of becoming too attached (and of the emotional rollercoaster), worry about how to maintain a long distance relationship and not knowing if he can continue without seeing you, worry that if he allows himself to care too much he will get hurt hence needing to go back to just being friends... .

When you pushed him for more than he was ready to give (possibly because he was overwhelmed by all of the above), he pushed away harder.

Don't feel guilty for ending the relationship. You were reacting to a series of pushes which - combined with your own anxious attachment style - triggered that reaction. It's good - you get a chance to learn more about yourself and what you might want to work on.

I wouldn't be surprised, with him being a quiet borderline (who do act passive aggressively btw), that his behaviour was actually designed to cause a break up. Or at least was a test... .

We met in my country first and we lovers rapidly, never "friends". He also rapidly talked about a common future and plans together. He talked about his issues honestly and I probably overlooked them (when they tell you who they believe them), but also was very self aware and mentioned wanting to go to therapy.
Then when he left and kept in close contact, he overwhelmed me with attention and love, and it was clear it was not a friendship but a romantic relationship.

I stayed much longer than planned because it was going great. I noticed in the end of my stay, when he was avoiding the talks about our relationship, and i got emotional and insecure, he would admit that he was a also scared of never seeing me again, of me realizing when ill be gone, that he would not be able to meet my needs. This was strange to me, as if he knew the long distance was going to be impossible for him. I didn't understand his fear of never see me again, it was so obvious to me that we were, i wasn't even preoccupied about that.
He also took a lot of photos, sometimes from me leaving, from my back... .Strange thing i noticed... And often talked about all our memories he will cherish. This would strangely worry me, not that i could put a finger on it then... But as if he knew or planned to keep it a beautiful memory, a neat little spot in the past, covered with dust, a beautiful but impossible connection?
And after weeks I was gone, his texting got more and more superficial and disinvested emotionally, but still everyday... Sometimes suddenly loving again. Did I become some vague souvenir to him, impermanent object? Did he need someone next to him who can hold his hand? He started to flake on calls and I started to feel unwanted and anxious.

I think you could reach out with something very light to gauge his response. Maybe send him a photo and say something like: "I just found this photo of... .and was remembering we had such a great time that day! We did have some very special times. Hope you are well?"

I've deliberately left the question mark at the end, as it opens the way for a response.

If he does respond, you will need to be disciplined to keep your conversations light and friendly; no pressure, no relationship talk... .definitely no blaming! That may go on for quite a while until he comes back around and you can resume your relationship.

Thank you for saying that, because I feel guilty about it.

I could do that. His last email was so dismissive that I almost felt stupid or that I have hallucinated the whole thing, that I have some hesitations. Is he going to consider me as weak and low value for reaching out again, despite his cold and clear message?
Also if I want to see him again, but can't talk about it not to engulf him, can't express feelings... What kind of connexion will that be... .
And do you think that from keeping it light and friendly, after a while he could want to resume the romance again?

Usually we advice not to accept friendship from an ex lover when you want romance. For people w/ BPD is it worth doing differently?

And when could I reach out with that light message, it's been 15 days already? I am probably an old memory already!

Samson1234@, Thank you for your comment and for sharing your story 
I am very sorry to read what you've been through and can imagine how it must be painful and confusing. Your lover seemed more of the acting out/raging BPD. I well know the romantic notes and all the love word hinting...
My lover would "rage" more internally, or at least discreetly if that's possible (like muttering to himself, something unclear but I could perceive an angry expression on his face, I read an article about "an angry smile" and I had seen that discordant expression a few times only)
It is confusing to know if we triggered their fear of abandonment... .We are so confused in that nonsense that we look for flaws in our behaviors, to make some sense out of it. Perhaps they also pushed us to confirm their ultimate dreaded fears, as in a self fulfilling prophecy.


Thank you for your comments, advice, insights, it helps a lot really!  

[SunandMoon]

Hi Sadrose

It definitely sounds like he was having a problem in seeing how a long distance relationship would work.

How would you imagine it working, as you are so far apart? Would you eventually want to live in his country or him come to live with you? Did you discuss any of this with him?

I'm sorry for misunderstanding the timeline of your relationship. If I understand now, you met in your country, became lovers and had a whirlwind romance, then you visited him in his country and things went so well that you stayed longer than planned. When you came home is when the distancing from him started. Is that correct?

Yes, that is very hard and confusing... . 

His last email was so dismissive that I almost felt stupid or that I have hallucinated the whole thing, that I have some hesitations. Is he going to consider me as weak and low value for reaching out again, despite his cold and clear message?
Also if I want to see him again, but can't talk about it not to engulf him, can't express feelings... What kind of connexion will that be... . 

Reaching out is only one option, if you want to see if he is open to keep communicating with you.

"Weak and low value" would be pleading with him, begging him to come back, etc. Opening up a line of conversation and keeping it light is different... .you are testing the waters to see if he has really broken up with you or if all the other things we have discussed are the case and he still wants contact with you.

I don't mean that you can never express feelings, etc. I mean that, in the beginning while you are establishing a connection again, to keep the conversation light and friendly. If you bring up emotions immediately, he may become overwhelmed again and back off. Keeping communication light and re-establishing your connection can take some time (or it may not - he may respond immediately, which will show you he has been missing you too).

And do you think that from keeping it light and friendly, after a while he could want to resume the romance again?

Yes, exactly. If he has "run away" because of fear and other BPD issues, or is unable to see how a LDR could work, your light communication can be a way for him to come back; he can return to baseline again.

Remember, this is only one option and it's up to you to decide what is best for you. The other option is to continue no contact, even though you are in pain and want him back. He may or may not come back at some point. Or your contact may end all together... .and you need to decide whether this might be a blessing in disguise.

You are further along on your mental health journey than him and he has warned you clearly about who he is, since the beginning. His "personal issues", "intimacy issues", melancholy and moodiness, the lack of commitment, are all who he is - together with the romantic and caring man you fell in love with. Think carefully about whether you are able to handle all this - especially from a distance of being in different countries.

I know you are really hurting right now and I'm truly sorry. These relationships can be the most painful.

As much as you don't want to, or can't get the energy for it, try to enjoy your holiday and give your mind a break. Go for a walk along the sea, go out to dinner and drink wine with your friend, and do fun things to distract yourself from your pain. Let your subconscious mind mull it over before you make a decision whether to contact or not.

Sending hugs
SaM

[Sadrose]

Hi,

Thank you SaM

It definitely sounds like he was having a problem in seeing how a long distance relationship would work.

How would you imagine it working, as you are so far apart? Would you eventually want to live in his country or him come to live with you? Did you discuss any of this with him?

I'm sorry for misunderstanding the timeline of your relationship. If I understand now, you met in your country, became lovers and had a whirlwind romance, then you visited him in his country and things went so well that you stayed longer than planned. When you came home is when the distancing from him started. Is that correct?

You are absolutely correct, I wasn't clear about the timeline. From the beginning, he expressed he wanted to build something together, and even talked about moving to the city where I live, and I also would have been open to relocate there. He introduced me quickly to his parents. Even his mom suggested the long distance was doable.
Progressively, I noticed he had kept ties with his ex girlfriend after almost a year since breakup... I got that it was a sort of mother/child attachment relationship, but this made me wonder how he could get involved with me seriously because of her being still there (but he said he wasn't attracted anymore, they weren't a good match etc)
When I left there, he was willing to come visit me this time, and during the last FaceTime conversation when I broke up, he said it again.
Since then when I expressed my regrets through texts and we briefly talked, I asked him about it, and he flaked on responding.

Reaching out is only one option, if you want to see if he is open to keep communicating with you.

"Weak and low value" would be pleading with him, begging him to come back, etc. Opening up a line of conversation and keeping it light is different... .you are testing the waters to see if he has really broken up with you or if all the other things we have discussed are the case and he still wants contact with you.

I don't mean that you can never express feelings, etc. I mean that, in the beginning while you are establishing a connection again, to keep the conversation light and friendly. If you bring up emotions immediately, he may become overwhelmed again and back off. Keeping communication light and re-establishing your connection can take some time (or it may not - he may respond immediately, which will show you he has been missing you too).

Yes, exactly. If he has "run away" because of fear and other BPD issues, or is unable to see how a LDR could work, your light communication can be a way for him to come back; he can return to baseline again.

I get your point. I understand that from a distance, my needs and expectations that he entertains more our relationship may have felt overwhelming to him and he felt it was too much to handle emotionally.
I consider that he might have responded to my emotional explanation email in an angry way and split me totally bad. Though it's been almost 3 weeks since he responded in a venomous nasty email and has not reached out since then... He doesn't seem to regret it for now.
I understand a light and friendly text, that carries little emotional content, could be a way to see if he wants to engage with me again, if he has been missing me, or on the contrary if he still has split on me.

This prospect of reaching out relieves in a way, probably because I need to get out of that nonsensical violent breakup and get some comfort and the connexion again.
On the other hand, I have to imagine he might not respond of just for a while and get back to his indifference again.
Which will be hurtful again, another stab in the wound.

Remember, this is only one option and it's up to you to decide what is best for you. The other option is to continue no contact, even though you are in pain and want him back. He may or may not come back at some point. Or your contact may end all together... .and you need to decide whether this might be a blessing in disguise.

I am hurting so much because of the sudden withdrawal and the absurdity of ending such a fantastic romance and connexion, and in this nasty way even more. The prospect of having to stay with that and live with it, is currently unbearable. I don't know how I could move on and not be obsessed with what is "unfinished business" to me.
Therefore I think I will reach out again, I have more to learn from his reaction then (either way, if he responds or not), than staying in this current overwhelming sadness and lack of closure.
I can not imagine how I can just move on, erase all these great moments together and everything, without having his ghost in my mind all the time. Maybe that is part of my own trauma attachment. Knowing I will never see him again is too painful.

You are further along on your mental health journey than him and he has warned you clearly about who he is, since the beginning. His "personal issues", "intimacy issues", melancholy and moodiness, the lack of commitment, are all who he is - together with the romantic and caring man you fell in love with. Think carefully about whether you are able to handle all this - especially from a distance of being in different countries.

Yes he told me a lot early on, and yet acted very loving and caring, so that his warnings did not make a lot of sense to me. He mentioned he was good at relationship in the beginning. It is hard to realize this was only one side of who he really is, maybe even a mirage. Grieving that person that no longer is, that's absurd and almost impossible. No contact is hard in such circumstances.

As much as you don't want to, or can't get the energy for it, try to enjoy your holiday and give your mind a break. Go for a walk along the sea, go out to dinner and drink wine with your friend, and do fun things to distract yourself from your pain. Let your subconscious mind mull it over before you make a decision whether to contact or not.

Thank you SaM, it is hard to have fun, I am really trying though.

I was thinking about sending him a photo of a lovely place around here "I am spending some time in that area, enjoying the sea ... .Hope you are doing well?" as you suggested, leaving it open...
That's a bit of an irony, as he dumped like nothing and does not care how I am doing, but at least I would learn from his response or lack of.

Sending hugs and kisses
 

[SunandMoon]

Hi Sadrose

Yes, I think we all know the feeling of trying to enjoy something when our heart is broken. Keep trying to find moments to distract yourself and give your soul the extra care that it needs right now 

I am hurting so much because of the sudden withdrawal and the absurdity of ending such a fantastic romance and connexion, and in this nasty way even more. The prospect of having to stay with that and live with it, is currently unbearable. I don't know how I could move on and not be obsessed with what is "unfinished business" to me.
Therefore I think I will reach out again, I have more to learn from his reaction then (either way, if he responds or not), than staying in this current overwhelming sadness and lack of closure.

I can not imagine how I can just move on, erase all these great moments together and everything, without having his ghost in my mind all the time. Maybe that is part of my own trauma attachment. Knowing I will never see him again is too painful. 

I think your mind is made up to contact him again. Everything you have said is totally understandable and I agree that you will get more clarity from his reaction.

Don't worry too much if he doesn't respond immediately. It will be great if he does but sometimes they need a bit of time to get over themselves. At least you have opened the door and given him the opportunity to step back in.

In the meantime, have you been reading through the articles and lessons here? There are some links on the right hand side of the board and more up the top under "TOOLS".

This will help you get more understanding and also to prepare if your relationship goes forward. The tools and skills we learn here are really useful in dealing with BPD and benefit all relationships in our lives.

Fingers crossed for you... .let us know how it goes!
 
SaM

[Sadrose]

Hi everyone,

I have not reached out to him since he cut it off in an email, and I have been no contact since then, it's been a month now.

I am hurting even more, facing the reality that he hasn't even reached out to ask how I am doing. And what it says about him and his "attachment" if we can use this word.

I have read that some people with BPD push their loved ones away, but yet are secretly testing them and wish them to wait around and show their love them unconditionally.

Besides, my ex lover told me that in the beginning, I was waiting to meet up earlier and he admitted later on that he was secretly expecting me to tell him to come see me. He could be very insecure as to what I was feeling towards him. Therefore, I don't know if it is the same now... .and if he is waiting for me to reach out. However I apologized and his dumping email was blunt. I also have some dignity left and would not emotionally stand another rejection.

I first thought his cold and mean email was an engulfment reaction to my letter, which was apologetic and adding more emotional pressure on him. But if he was angry at my blaming him, he has had time to mull over it and get back to me in nicer terms.
His last words were ruthless. Denying my hurting and his responsability in giving me the silent treatment. Playing stupid that he was the one who wanted to break up.

This has left me stunned, probably in a cognitive dissonance, because this doesn't match with the loving and romantic man he was during the first months. I realize this was a massive love-bombing... .
I have started to contemplate if he has discarded me as Narcissists do, and have reexplored all our relationship together in a different light.
I have said it was a whirlwind romance but I also picked up on some uneasy things, like how he would sometimes disconnect emotionally, passive aggressive behaviors as ways to avoid to be emotionally available, connected to me in the moment. And the intimacy withdrawal at times. I have felt something was off, but the romantic and loving gestures besides all that, would balance it and makes me feel like it was going great. Was I in denial, blindsided?
I came across his social network accounts, and looking at his photos, now, I felt very anxious watching them. His expression on the photo, I recognize his face but felt strongly uneasy... It was not the nice man, sometimes even waif-like, but a very confident and rough expression I haven't seen before. I wonder if he rather is the wolf in sheep's clothing instead of the sweet waif type.

I don't know if I am splitting him black my turn, since I am experiencing how cruel and indifferent he can be, or if I am just getting out of the denial and am able to see his narcissistic traits. But it is frightening. I am maybe angry at myself, for having be so gullible like a little girl who wants to believe and loves without any boundaries. In what hands did I put myself?

I have had this history of connecting with narcissists and I am afraid he doesn't just have BPD... .according to how ruthless he can be. I am erased from his mind seemingly and although he offered friendship he is not contacting me. He wrote there are no ill-feelings but yet, radio silence when he was texting daily before I triggered his fear of abandonment.

I admit I feel anxious and disgusted at the idea he might already be seeing new people. That he will love bomb like he did to me, and then later on, tell them he is not ready for a relationship and start his passive aggressive behaviors.

I am very depressed right now and this is a very traumatizing experience, even though I have known him for months only. But all "non" are not perfectly balanced either and I certainly have my own baggage of attachment trauma and BPD traits as well, though I never split on people this cruel way. I wish I had his coping skills of splitting and emotional memory loss, because I struggle to even function on a day to day basis. While I seem to be history to him.

If anyone is reading this and have insight to share, they are more than welcome. Many thanks
 

[once removed]

I came across his social network accounts, and looking at his photos, now, I felt very anxious watching them.
... .

I don't know if I am splitting him black my turn, since I am experiencing how cruel and indifferent he can be, or if I am just getting out of the denial and am able to see his narcissistic traits.

it sounds to me, and maybe its an over simplification, that you are grieving. grieving can produce anxiety, what ifs, rumination, and more.

this may also be an over simplification, but he is likely in a different place, at a different stage. its been a month, things were increasingly challenging between the two of you, and they ended on a bad note. he may not be happy about it, but may have decided (you havent reached out to him either) that its best to move on, and he may assume that you have as well.

question to me is, what, if anything, do you want to do next?

[Sadrose]

Once removed,

Thank you for your comment. Yes I am grieving, ruminating as well. I tried to fix things and explain myself in an email, to which he replied very bluntly and coldly. Contrary to what he pretended in that email, he seemed still very angry at me, and that I was all black...
I was so shocked with the overall tone of it, that I haven't reached out again. It also seemed that if he now pretended that he wanted to break things off, he should be the one to contact me now.

I know the distance was certainly a factor, but we had talked about visiting again and he didn't seem to be trying to stay emotionally connected. That is why I suggested to cut thing off at the time. Even though I regretted it soon after, and sent him many messages in that sense. He seems to have never forgiven.

I am feeling very vulnerable and would not stand another blow if he replied to another attempt the same way he did.
Also reaching out again would really appear as begging and chasing at this point. He must know he has the power in this situation.

[once removed]

there is some overlap between a "moving on" approach and a "resuscitate a relationship" approach that involves a certain level of detachment.

when its a matter of the latter, the general approach tends to involve doing just that: grieving the old version of the relationship, and then if trying to save it, coming back with a very different approach.

it sounds like you are in a vulnerable place, distrustful, etc, and that might be a sign to hold off on anything anyway, and to tend to your wounds. additionally, when ive acted/reached out in situations where i was anxious about what the other person was thinking, never once in my life has it gone well for me.

so, do tend your wounds, and your grief. you may be in a place where reaching out makes sense at some point, or you may decide "nah".

[Sadrose]

Thanks Once removed, I am surely grieving and not in the place to handle a new possible rejection. I am so stunned he can stay without contacting me for a month, that it makes me wonder who I have been dealing with and what really happened.
The thing is that I have to go through detachment, I will resent him that he did not care for me at this moment.

I know I have triggered him, I had reasons to want to break things off - but I have understood that this level of involvement was all he could do from a distance, with little objet constancy and his need to have someone near him and validate him - though I apologized and he persisted in denying his anger before he dumped me and it seems final.

If he were a person with no particular mental disorder, I would stay no contact and keep in mind his last patronizing and mean words he emailed me. As he has quiet form of BPD, it is different.
I read a lot of pwBPD who explain they abandon their loved ones before they sense they are going to be abandoned. And some also test to see if they are loved unconditionally or if they fear of abandonment is confirmed.

I remember he told me in the beginning after we met and he had postponed many times our encounter, I told him I was about to cancel and he said he was secretly expecting me to tell him to come see me immediately. This seemed very strange and insecure.

Therefore now I wonder if he is expecting me to contact him or if he is really done with me. It is difficult to deal with someone who hurt you, and yet you know they have a psychological disorder. Should I take them at their word or read between the lines and swallow my pride?

[livednlearned]

once removed makes a great point, Sadrose.

You are in a vulnerable place right now, feeling distrustful.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in these relationships. Reviving a relationship before you have the emotional strength and relationship skills to keep things healthy for yourself means potentially re-injuring yourself.

Might it be too soon for that?

[Sadrose]

Livednlearned, thanks for your comment.
I am definitely very weak and grieving a lot.

I would need him to validate me now. It is so painful and almost impossible to move on with him taking off and shutting down like that.

What is your insight on my last question :

I read a lot of pwBPD who explain they abandon their loved ones before they sense they are going to be abandoned. And some also test to see if they are loved unconditionally or if they fear of abandonment is confirmed.

I remember he told me in the beginning after we met and he had postponed many times our encounter, I told him I was about to cancel and he said he was secretly expecting me to tell him to come see me immediately. This seemed very strange and insecure.

Therefore now I wonder if he is expecting me to contact him or if he is really done with me. It is difficult to deal with someone who hurt you, and yet you know they have a psychological disorder. Should I take them at their word or read between the lines and swallow my pride?