Can I reverse it? I triggered his fear of abandonment, getting silent treatment

[once removed]

I read a lot of pwBPD who explain they abandon their loved ones before they sense they are going to be abandoned. And some also test to see if they are loved unconditionally or if they fear of abandonment is confirmed.

I remember he told me in the beginning after we met and he had postponed many times our encounter, I told him I was about to cancel and he said he was secretly expecting me to tell him to come see me immediately. This seemed very strange and insecure.

we all do this sort of thing, to varying extents. play insecure sorts of games to see if someone will pursue us.

its possible he secretly hopes youll reach out, but we can really only speculate there.

the thing is, whether he does, or whether he doesnt hope youll reach out, trying to read between those sorts of lines, and act on them, really just keeps us confused... .its sort of like walking on eggshells.

this situation, to me, is more a matter of what you want to do.

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[Sadrose]

If the odds are high that as a man with quiet BPD and as he told me in the past, he may be expecting and testing me hoping I will reach out... I will want to try and contact him, so that I would have tried everything in this relationship. And also if I am honest I would feel a huge relief if he'd respond.

But if I am only sticking to the facts and the horrible words he emailed me a month ago, not taking into account his disorder, I should stick to my dignity and consider I have no more value to him, I have irritated him and he has long forgotten me.

However it seems that his disorder has impacted greatly on how things have unfolded, and with the distance and lack of object constancy... So that I tend to think he has split on me, because his last words are so different of who he had been before... .Unless that was his true character... I am going round in circles, and I also can not move on with all these unanswered questions. I miss how we were together, sometimes feel guilty for how I may have rushed the breakup.
I can't move on, maybe I need him to ignore and dismiss me again, so that I can accept the situation and give up on him... .

In his email, he pretended that he was not angry nor giving the silent treatment... also offered friendship. And yet has not contacted me nor responded to my last text... So it rather looks like he was angry, wanted to cut things off and the friendship offer was not sincere?

[once removed]

dignity/pride vs uncertainty ("what should i do") vs "what is he thinking/what does he want me to do" is not a recipe to act. it will trip you up, and it may set you up for rejection.

it sounds to me like the Bargaining stage of grief.

to me, there are two "good" options.

1. test the waters, gently, lightly, in a way that doesnt set yourself up for rejection. really no more than a "hey how are you" sort of thing. id avoid any relationship talk, and just be open to playing catch up. there is still a risk here, but it is minimized.

2. know that these feelings and urges will pass as you grieve, that you dont have to do anything now, and that you may be in a better, more certain place later on.

[Sadrose]

Thanks for your suggestion Once removed. 

More than pride/uncertainty, it is rather my codependency, not wanting and not being able to let go... .Versus his BPD to take into account or not.

Should I consider what he said was not really what he meant and he secretly wanted me to insist and wait around unconditionally... .

I noticed that he was so ambivalent, longing for one thing and its contrary the next day.

It is strange but with the distance, I also get to doubt everything about our relationship, how we had been together, the romance, and I am wondering who he is. Maybe comorbidly narcissist.

About your second point.
It is strange but as time goes by - it's been a month of no contact - I am grieving more and more... .Maybe because I am realizing the cruel truth : he is moving on and has flicked the switch, just like that and I'm history.

This idea is awful and so painful.


What if I send him an old video/photo of him or us together? Would it be too "loaded" emotionally ?

[once removed]

Should I consider what he said was not really what he meant and he secretly wanted me to insist and wait around unconditionally... .

i would consider that he meant what he said at the time he said it. we can only speculate as to whether that has changed, and knowing the answer to that wouldnt inform or color my advice on how to proceed one bit.

Would it be too "loaded" emotionally ?

probably, and it would set you up for rejection. what youd want is a cool icebreaker.

About your second point.
It is strange but as time goes by - it's been a month of no contact - I am grieving more and more... .Maybe because I am realizing the cruel truth : he is moving on and has flicked the switch, just like that and I'm history.

its probably not as simple as him flicking a switch. one thing i realized later on is that my ex and i were on very different pages before and after our breakup. i was expecting her to be where i was, feel as id felt, and those expectations, coupled with the evidence i saw to the contrary, increased my suffering.

you know, grieving is just about the hardest thing one can go through (and "it feels worse before it gets better" is not uncommon as we move through the stages). the impact it has on our minds and bodies is staggering. if it helps, my ex relationship, after being a non functioning basket case for a few months, taught me so much about grief, about learning how to actively grieve, to sit with my pain, discomfort, urges, to be aware of where i was in the stages of grief, healthy coping and tools... .so many things. ive been through objectively worse things since then, and been far more resilient and healthy in my approach. it really does get better, and, not to minimize your pain, but all of this is temporary. i had so many urges to act out of desperation or impulse, or guessing what she might want or not want at the time. you dont need to do anything today or tomorrow or yesterday. you have more control over all of this than it may feel like right now.

[Sadrose]

i would consider that he meant what he said at the time he said it. we can only speculate as to whether that has changed, and knowing the answer to that wouldnt inform or color my advice on how to proceed one bit.

probably, and it would set you up for rejection. what youd want is a cool icebreaker.

I first thought he was triggered again by my email and replied was out of anger, but as time passed he could have gone back to me and showed more empathy.

You are right, if I ever decided to contact him, I need to keep it to the minimal.

its probably not as simple as him flicking a switch. one thing i realized later on is that my ex and i were on very different pages before and after our breakup. i was expecting her to be where i was, feel as id felt, and those expectations, coupled with the evidence i saw to the contrary, increased my suffering

.


I understand that, we tend to assume they will experience the same feeling and process them the same way we do. We just did not know nor accept they deal with these emotional things very differently...
Just like you, imagining he is moving on and has no problem staying out of contact, just increases my suffering.

What also does not pass is that it's too easy for him to now say he was not ready for a relationship and all that, but the love bombing, the whole incredible romance, notes and words, just contradict him. I feel I have been misled, used, manipulated. And he's in his forties. The disorder does not excuse the lack of empathy, when they cool off and are no longer triggered.

It is nice to hear your grieving process has made you stronger, with more coping skills and has teached you so much on yourself and life.
To me, it is an endless repetition, after previous connections with abusive people. I can sit and let myself feel all the painful emotions on my mind and body, but these are so overwhelming and so intense, that I can not even function. Everything makes me cry. It's like a full time job. I am well aware this is "not normal", the intensity of the pain is not in proportion to the months I have spent with that man. I know I am also reliving my childhood unresolved grieving. Being abandoned, left hopeless, in a primal panic.

[livednlearned]

Everything makes me cry. It's like a full time job. I am well aware this is "not normal", the intensity of the pain is not in proportion to the months I have spent with that man. I know I am also reliving my childhood unresolved grieving. Being abandoned, left hopeless, in a primal panic.

You are so insightful and wise about your own pain, Sadrose. The emotional pain of relationship loss can feel like annihilation, one of the worst feelings one can experience.

Are you reading his emails over and over? If yes, I wonder if that may be re-injuring you repeatedly. Is it hard to not read things he has sent you?

There are some really good distress tolerance skills in the DBT workbook (I found mine at Amazon) if you are looking for helpful strategies.

Are you doing any kind of pleasurable activity right now, like exercising? What are you doing to take care of yourself during this difficult time, Sadrose?

[Sadrose]

Thank you Livednlearned

"Annihilation" is very accurate and close to what I am experiencing when grieving that relationship!

I have seen a 90's French movie "the Hairdresser's husband", and it reminds me a bit of the fusional borderline relationship!
I realize it was so intense and amazing to be with him, because I long for the same "merging" love he wanted. However I wasn't aware that the object of his affection can be interchangeable and not really be "seen".

I will look up at the DBT workbook as I ordered one from Amazon (with a green cover) but haven't opened it yet.

I haven't exercised for some time, it would be good I know. I have had my back blocked for two days, my body must be drained with all the crying.

About his last email, you are right, I may have re-injured myself by reading it. I first thought reading it again would be a good reality check (even though it is crazy-making since he claims HE wanted the breakup first), and help me accept to deal with the reality distortion I might have. Accepting these are, as said Once removed, at least what he believed in the moment.
I have come to a point when I doubt myself about what happened between us. I know I have been needy and anxious, with the distance and as he got more avoidant and detached.

His last words do not match AT ALL how he would talk to me. And yet, I realize now that they show his ambivalence that I have picked up on before. He was doing a lot of efforts to satisfy me, to please me (maybe for me to love him), but it must have costed him a lot and his resentment was building up inside him, and I have just noticed some passive aggressive or strange behaviors (like making me wait before we shared a moment together, being emotionally unavailable silent at a restaurant for dinner, or this strange muttering under his breath at times, for instance before having to pay for something for both of us, so I would say I can pay my share!). On the whole, it was tiny things that did not really matter at the time, but now with his email, I realized he had always had this "angry" side hidden deep down.