Intro: Didn't know he had BPD, now things make sense. Slowly reconciling.

[Mermama]

Hello  

I separated from my partner w/BPD  in February this year due to his jealous, controlling, abusive and increasingly irrational and violent behaviour. I didn't know my partner had BPD until after I left, but now our 7 year relationship makes sense. The constant up and down, push and pull, love and hate, conflict and constant drama was too much. He also has some narcissistic traits which are very hard to live with. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and even my son pointed out 'when Dad is happy everything's good, but when he's not, everything is bad'.  

Leaving him devastated me and was the hardest thing I've ever done. We love each other very much and when it's good it's fantastic. But when it's bad... . 

I'm still healing from the trauma of his abuse (and the horrific aftermath of his smear campaign, suicide threats and stalking after our separation - that's a story for another time!) I'm struggling with why I still love someone who treats me the way he does. And how he could treat me like that if he loves me the way he says he does... .

I'm realising that many of his behaviours come from his BPD which makes it a bit easier for me to understand him. In a sense it's actually a relief to have an explanation for his contradictory loving/ hateful behaviours that made no sense to me for so long... .

Anyway, after 4 months apart we've been hanging out a bit for the last 2 months. We live separately now, and I want to take our reconciliation very slowly, to see if we can make it work, but he is impulsively rushing, pressuring me, and now guilt tripping me to allow him to move back in. I'm nowhere near ready for that.

I've asked him to look for some support and therapy for himself, but of course I can't be responsible for him getting help. I'd like to do some counseling together but I've heard conflicting reports about how useful it is if your partner has BPD... .?

In the meantime I am looking for more knowledge, skills and understanding for myself to learn how to deal with him better.  That's why I'm here!  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Mermama,

I am so glad you are here with us! Thank you for sharing your story!

I must say, parts of this really touched a cord with me. No matter how long I've been here when you read something by someone that feels like you could have written it yourself, wow, it's amazing!

So, this is interesting... .I feel like I haven't heard of someone working on a reconciliation quite like this. I must say, that sounds really special and I hope we can share tools and insights that can help you sort all of this out!

Rather than toss a lot of readings at you in my first reply, I want to just ask about the relationship a bit. What led to the split?

Also, you mention a smear campaign, suicide threats, and even stalking post split. I do hope you stick around to talk over these topics as I think they are so important! It helps all of us to share about our situations, recognize our struggles in the struggles of others, and work on bettering things if at all possible.

May I ask, what would make you feel ready for him to move back in? What are your fears or concerns on this point?

with compassion, pearl.