Re: His kids have it: BPD boyfriend's son is self-harming PART 2

[Calmcollected]

_{This thread was split from Part 1 found here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326303.0;all}

I called him in the morning because he owes me money. He was normal, but stalling on the issue of returning my licence plates from my vehicles and paying for and signing over a sailboat (its only $200) When I got off the phone with him, he texted me saying “you deleted the facebook page” I explained I had told him that. Then he kept going on about just give him the password & I’ll go away forever, when he knows full well that he has to be added as an admin & the process involved, which we can’t do because he has me blocked on facebook. I explained how to do it. I told him I would put it back up, but I was not managing it. I have his phone # on it, but he never answers his phone & the voicemail is full, so it doesn’t really matter. I needed some things made for my business this week-end and I asked and he is going to do it.
I then told him that the house I want to put an offer in on has been extended another 2 days as the other person who put an offer in is having trouble getting financing. I talked about purchasing it and flipping it now that he wasn’t disregulated.
I also know who the woman is he took to the family barbecue. Its someone hes known for 30 years. She’s very rough. Younger than me, but looks much older. Involved in short lived votatile relationships, usually men that end up in prison, her last in a motorcycle club & he’s in prison now too. I have seen her post really nasty and violent threats on peoples facebook pages. She used to be quite heavy, but is now extremely skinny, sickly so. He knows her whole family and she is estranged from them from fighting. Its only a matter of time before she starts with him. I know this is not my problem, but as soon as she does, I know what will happen. It happened 2 years ago when we broke up and he started dating a mortgage broker for a month. They broke up, it was volatile and they never slept together. She would tell her best friend who was friends with mine and would tell her everything. We got back together. I was at the house making supper one night & she showed up at the house. I lost it internally because his son was there. I asked why she was there, he wanted to fight about it and I said we were not discussing it in front of his son. I remember him saying “you’re here & she’s not” as if that made it all right, that I had been chosen over her.
I truly think he has a sexual issue. Any woman I have spoken to that he’s had emotional affairs with, most he won’t meet or if he does they complain nothing happens. This one is different. I think he’s carried a torch for her for a long time. When we first started dating, she would tag herself in his photos and say “we need to talk brother”. I spoke to his ex girlfriend and she thinks that she is someone he was trying to get with when he was with her.
This is a cycle that is never going to end unless he gets therapy, which he won’t.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Calmcollected,

Sounds like life is coming at you pretty fast here. Are you resolved that you want this to be a final/permanent break with him? Are you still wishing things would work? What do you want to do at this time?

sincerely, pearl.

[Calmcollected]

I’m not sure. This morning I woke up feeling like he’s dirty now. That his standards are extremely low. I’m not conceited or a snob, but I know I am a queen. I’m attractive, succesful, have made him successful.  If he can be around someone that I’m pretty certain is on par with a “crack ho” and call her a “friend”. Those are not the type of people I have ever surrounded myself with or will.
I wish things would work, but in a healthy way without the constant break ups and push pull. I know that is never going to happen. We seem to have a pattern of a year or so good, then it reverts.
My mind says you’re a complete & utter idiot, get away. My heart says the opposite.

[pearlsw]

I’m not sure. This morning I woke up feeling like he’s dirty now. That his standards are extremely low. I’m not conceited or a snob, but I know I am a queen. I’m attractive, succesful, have made him successful.  If he can be around someone that I’m pretty certain is on par with a “crack ho” and call her a “friend”. Those are not the type of people I have ever surrounded myself with or will.
I wish things would work, but in a healthy way without the constant break ups and push pull. I know that is never going to happen. We seem to have a pattern of a year or so good, then it reverts.
My mind says you’re a complete & utter idiot, get away. My heart says the opposite.

Hi Calmcollected,

I know it hurts! At times we come to see our partners in a new, unflattering light and it simply does change our chances with them/them with us. I know at times I've felt utterly disgusted by my SO, mostly by his words, not by whom interacts with, but still... .

It was not easy to return to a place of feeling like I had respect for him. Not easy at all.

I have to admit "a year or so good" sounds like quite a lot to me! (But that might be because my relationship has a shorter lifespan than many insects.)

I also know, from experience, it is VERY hard to break with someone when your heart is still engaged.

I know you are upset and hurt, but in fairness, do you think these "friends" are giving him something? Or are they enabling or otherwise negative influences on him?

take care, pearl.

[Calmcollected]

They are giving him false admiration. I know inside he feels he cannot do anything right. When I spoke to him yesterday about a job that was just completed and extra work was done but he didn’t charge extra. I asked if he had and if he was okay and not lost any money. He said he probably broke even. Then said “again, giving me poop” I said, no, in this case it was my fault, I didn’t do up a contract and if I had we would have had recourse to charge more. Yesterday he booked a $15,000 job. It required booking of equipment and calling in line locates for digging. I called to see what I could do to help. He told me he just needed me to let him breathe and he kept repeating it. He was incredibly stressed out by multiple jobs ending & starting.
I need to find a way to build him up and not involve business anymore. The catch 22 is, if I don’t help with the business, it will fail and the one thing that makes him feel important will be gone.
I’ve been pushed so far out of his life that I don’t know if its possible now.

[Calmcollected]

I think I may have made a mistake about him taking out another woman. I just found out that the girlfriend of his oldest son, her mom’s name is the same as the name given to me as the person he went to the family barbecue with.
I do believe however, he is still having little emotional affairs with other women. He’s done it in the past and he spins tales of a life he wishes he has, but doesnt. They believe him and think he will have a relationship with them, and he never does.

[pearlsw]

Hi Calmcollected,

Are your feelings for him coming back now that you have this information? How do you feel about him now? Will you say something to him about this?

In his mind are these "emotional affairs" or friendships? Does he poor boundaries on this stuff?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Calmcollected]

I never stopped loving him. This has been a thing the whole last three years. When he starts to feel down, he looks for attention and won’t accept it from me. If you saw what these women look like, you would wonder. They are usually poor, don’t have a lot going on for them, they are all really overweight or unattractive. But they idolize him. He has devastated some of them because he talks about getting property in the country, raising horses and when hes settled, they will come there to live. But he doesn’t have money. These are pipe dreams. One woman he told he was going to go out for coffee with once his SUV was on the road. It was, he never went. She went on believing this for 5 months.  He describes a current life that doesn’t exist. He has a Harley, jacket, helmet etc. Posts it as his profile picture. But doesn’t have a license. Its an illusion and he needs the admiration. It shows how low his self esteem really is and it makes me sad for him.
Some if these women have spoken to me after. I’ve been in a counsellors role with some of them. One was so devastated i was concerned for her mental health.
It fills the hole for a short time, then it stops working. It has effected his business. One married woman’s friend started bashing the company on a job prospect page on facebook. We had done $120,000 worth of work for her friend and husband. Her friend is well over 300 lbs and when we would go there, she would look at him wth such adoration, I knew he was doing it with her too. Her marriage broke up, I knew it wasn’t good to begin with, but I suspect she made it happen faster thinking he was going to be with her. The friend said he “didn’t do work for me, but I know someone he did do work for and he worked her over good” i had to do damage control. We employ men with families.
I don’t think he does it maliciously. I truly don’t think he understands how affected these women are by it.

[Learning2Thrive]

He describes a current life that doesn’t exist. He has a Harley, jacket, helmet etc. Posts it as his profile picture. But doesn’t have a license. Its an illusion and he needs the admiration. It shows how low his self esteem really is and it makes me sad for him.

Aside from feeling sad for him because of his low self esteem, what if anything else does this tell you?

  L2T

[Calmcollected]

I don’t know really. That he will probably never be happy?

[Learning2Thrive]

I don’t know really. That he will probably never be happy?

How does that make you feel?

How are you doing Calmcollected? Are you taking good care of yourself?

  L2T

[Calmcollected]

I am. I’m in a much better place than last year. Knowing that he will never be happy makes my heart ache for him, but I’ve given up the saviour mode and take care of myself now. I’m in the midst of finally getting my divorce settled, so I need to find a place to live. Tomorrow I’m going out to the country to look at a property to see if I can buy it. It needs a lot of repairs, but nothing his company can’t handle. We had looked at it last year. Its an abandoned old farm house close to where I grew up with a creek running through the property. I had hoped we would live there together. I’m not sure if that will ever happen. It may due to him losing his place to live and no other choice.
This week I’ve reflected a lot on his business and how he is unable to run it without me. I’ve put a lot of effort into mine instead because I know I have to be the bread winner now, and that he will never be. I’ve heard stories this past week about how poor he’s been over the years struggling to have sole custody of his kids and unable to go out of town for work. It didn’t start with me. Its always been like this. I understand the need to escape his real life.

[Learning2Thrive]

I am. I’m in a much better place than last year.

I’m so glad to read this.

Knowing that he will never be happy makes my heart ache for him,

Yes, it’s painful to watch those we love suffer the natural consequences of their own choices and actions. 

but I’ve given up the saviour mode and take care of myself now. I’m in the midst of finally getting my divorce settled, so I need to find a place to live. Tomorrow I’m going out to the country to look at a property to see if I can buy it.

You are a strong woman, moving forward is good.

It needs a lot of repairs, but nothing his company can’t handle. We had looked at it last year. Its an abandoned old farm house close to where I grew up with a creek running through the property. I had hoped we would live there together. I’m not sure if that will ever happen. It may due to him losing his place to live and no other choice.

The property sounds lovely, but this seems somewhat conflicting with your previous statements, or am I misunderstanding?

This week I’ve reflected a lot on his business and how he is unable to run it without me. I’ve put a lot of effort into mine instead because I know I have to be the bread winner now, and that he will never be. I’ve heard stories this past week about how poor he’s been over the years struggling to have sole custody of his kids and unable to go out of town for work. It didn’t start with me. Its always been like this. I understand the need to escape his real life.

Sending you positive energy and good thoughts as you continue moving forward. I hope you’ll pop in and continue to update us. We’re here to listen and support you however you choose to proceed.

  L2T

[Calmcollected]

The conflicting with my other statements part does sound confusing. We’ve been talking all week. I’m the one he comes to when things get crazy, and they have. He’s got too many open ended jobs that haven’t paid and cash flow is nil. He blew out his knee yesterday and asked me me to get the supplies for a job tomorrow with a gift card we have from a homebuilding store. Hes going to see a Dr. so it must be bad. He doesn’t go to the Dr.
 It will be interesting as it will be the first time I’ve seen his oldest son since last year. I thought I’d be dreading it, but I’m at the point where I don’t care anymore what his kids think. I put too much stock in it before.

[Learning2Thrive]

How are you doing Calmcollected? How are things going?

  L2T

[Calmcollected]

Well. It was a crazy frickin day. We had a request from a guy last year to hand dig up 2 sides of his house & “he would do the rest” of waterproofing his basement. We declined because it would lose us money. A couple of weeks ago, same guy called & he wanted us to do everything and added jobs. My ex/boyfriend took the job on last week and I didn’t know because of the conflict. This morning I met one of his staff for the supplies. He brings it half an hour early. I went to my moms for half an hour to kill time as she is just down the street. I see the staff member I met and another guy as I walk in the house. I time it so I’m going to show up at 9:15 to gather payroll. I arrive just as his eldest gets there. (Of course never on time) and he looked really unhappy to see me. The other guys are gone, I can hear the home owner yelling in the backyard on the phone and his son is calling his father. I call right after and ask what happened.
The homeowner verbally assaulted and got really crazy with the staff, ripped off the new waterproofing material off the side of the house screaming we werent using the proper product. (We were using a product above code) He banned them from the property, and the job is 3/4’s done. The guys packed up most of our equipment & left. Everyone except my ex/boyfriend is at the coffeshop around the corner, he had been in the waiting room to see a Dr. I go to the coffeeshop to get payroll info. His son is standing with the guys and walks away and sits in his truck, literally pouting. At least there was no confrontation. The rest of the staff love me & he doesn’t like that.
Our carpenter informs me that his 2nd co worker had a Dr’s appt this morning, has no phone & will be dropped off at the job site shortly. I leave to go back to stop him from entering the property.
I sit outside waiting. The home owner had met me once last year and doesn’t recognize me. I watch as he brings some of our materials to the front yard, tries to destroy one thing, so I’m discreetly recording. I call my brother and he says to get photos of everything. At this point, Ex/boyfriend is on his way, ask if he wants me to do it before he gets there, he said yes. Homeowner is out of sight. I’m careful to stay off the property and take photos. I move to the other side of the house and as I’m starting, the homeowner comes around the corner of the house with a shovel and walks right up to and presses against me. Wants to know what I’m doing. I tell him taking photos. He accuses me of trespassing on his property. I explain I am on a sidewalk and I am not. I remain calm, but he is escalating (crazily enough, I would compare it to an extreme BPD rage) He then wildly accuses me of being on his property when he was at the back of the house, again I reiterate that I had not. I’m stepping back and he is advancing. I stop and ask if I need to call the police. He grabs his phone and says hes going to do it. Then he remembers my name and starts screaming my name out. You’re ****
I get into my truck to wait for the others to get there and he stands outside my truck taking pictures of me. They pull up, I instruct them not to step on the property and explain what happened. They stood on the sidewalk & grabbed our materials.
Now if this had been 3 years ago my ex/boyfriend would have lost his head & possibly got in an altercation with the man. Instead he was calm but did say he wished he could throat punch the guy , and said “I hate getting ripped off” we’re out $2000 from this job with labour & materials. I’ll have to make a claim in small claims court. I am extremely proud of the way he handled himself. His anger is so much improved from when I first met him.
We met later and talked. I told him his son was not happy to see me and went & sat in the truck. He said “thats too bad, he’s going to have to get used to it.” That statement alone made me feel validated for once & supported by him. I don’t ever expect him to choose me over his kids, but a boundary was put in place today. I guess my expectation in order to work on things and try to make this work is for him to stand up to his kids and let them know he will be with who he wants & they don’t determine that.  The look on his sons face when he saw me (he’s 34, I’m 12 years older) was that of a petulant child that didn’t get his way.
I’ve never had an experience with a customer like that before. From my mental health work experience, that man has a mental illness.

[Learning2Thrive]

Oh my! That’s a whole lot of drama for one day. Have things calmed down?

  L2T

[Calmcollected]

Today was pretty normal. Super busy with my business and his. Tonight we went out to look at that property I want to buy. We needed to figure the lot location etc as it is abandoned so I can find out who owns it. I’m guessing its a bank repo. We had a lot of fun, stopped for icecream, drove down old country roads etc. We walked the property, he talked about how to develop it and we decided it was best to tear it down & put up a 100 year old log cabin shell we have access to. He talked about where to put his workshop. On the way back I mentioned in a story that I had told mutual friends of ours about the man with the shovel yesterday. He became angry because I had told them his business. It has always been something he is sensitive about. In the past, it would have been a full on rage for days. Tonight there was a lot of anger, but he remained fairly calm, a little break up threat in that I had “made my choice”  by betraying his trust and that was to not be with him. I apologized for breaking his trust. I told him that just because I made a mistake doesn’t mean he doesn’t matter to me, its just I made a mistake and I was sorry. I also told him that I choose him always.  The difference between this and 2 years ago is the calmness. He started to escalate a little when he was about to drive away. I recognized he couldn’t control his emotions and he recognized it too. He said he was getting really mad & had to go.  I said I was sorry again and I would talk to him tomorrow. He said no he wasn’t talking to me, but he replied to a text I sent him an hour later about a potential new job.
I am proud that he recognizes his emotions and has a better handle on them.

[Learning2Thrive]

I am proud that he recognizes his emotions and has a better handle on them.

That’s progress, Calmcollected. How are you doing and how are things going today?

L2T

[Calmcollected]

Things are much better. He was fine the next day once he cooled off. Its back to almost where we used to be. We’ve been looking at other properties to buy. I found an old farm and approached the owners to see if they wanted to sell. He’s running major decisions by me. He asked if he could get a boat last night. Yesterday afternoon we were together and I was chattering away as he was filling out his payroll and he made a mistake on one cheque. He got angry and stormed out to his truck to get another one. When he came back in I told him it was okay and how to fix it. He calmly explained that Me talking when he was doing a task distracted him and he made mistakes. We are having healthy conversations and it is really nice. He has steadily improved in that aspect for the last 3 years. One of his friends said that I’m the first woman who has ever understood him. That We’re good together. In the beginning, the anger scared me and I was really co-dependent. Now that I understand the anger and the skills I have learned from here, its so different. Especially once I recognized my co-dependent tendencies.

[Learning2Thrive]

Now that I understand the anger and the skills I have learned from here, its so different. Especially once I recognized my co-dependent tendencies.

Excellent! It made me smile to read this. We’re here for you Calmcollected. I hope you’ll pop back in from time to time to keep us updated.

Sending you lots of positive energy and smiles... .

  L2T

[Calmcollected]

I can’t stress enough to people how important not jadeing is, validation and waiting until there is a calm moment to bring up issues. Practice SET as much as possible.