Yes, I'm interested in learning more about JADE.
great!
so as i mentioned, JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. and in general, it tends to fuel conflict when we want to learn to deescalate conflict. it can fuel circular arguments. it can get one or both parties really wound up.
sometimes we do it instinctively. surely theres a time and a place to explain your point of view, right? sure. my personal rule of thumb is to do so once or twice
max, only if im asked, and only when myself and the other party are in a state of relative calm.
but sometimes, what we are really doing is trying to win an argument, or convince our significant other of our perspective. thats the attitude that fuels conflict. thats what we want to learn to let go of. its hard to do, it requires practice, but when you do, i think youll find things get a lot less stressful for you.
learning not to JADE builds on another tool here, where we learn not to be invalidating (more here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating). JADEing is often invalidating. furthermore, it often validates the invalid, which we dont want to do.
for a silly example, lets say youre a brunette. lets say i tell you i hate your blonde hair. youre not really inclined to have an argument about that, are you? in a more common example, sometimes when we JADE, we are defending ourselves against wild or baseless accusations. when you defend yourself against baseless allegations, you look guilty. if anything, this confirms our partners suspicions.
When I say violent, I mean screaming, slamming doors, throwing things. Once in awhile I'll get slapped. However, I'm bigger than her and could restrain her if absolutely necessary, but I was raised to turn the other cheek. Be patient, loving, kind. Use finesse, not force. I just don't have the tools when she's aggressive.
obviously, it is good not to respond with force. youre going to want to nip any violence toward you in the bud, though, and you never want to signal that any of it is acceptable.
we have a whole host of lessons on Surviving confrontation and disrespect here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191it would be a good idea to dive in and begin to apply them.
Side note: I have a theory she creates "situations" so she can explode. Receive an apology. Feel comforted and in control. Am I out to lunch? This is the only way I can explain her behavior. This occurs about weekly on average and I can't take it.
you likely arent too far off here. the long and short of it is that people with BPD traits have a great deal of internal chaos, and generally a host of dysfunctional coping mechanisms that project it onto others. likely, this isnt going on in her head in a conscious or thought out way, its more like a reflex. the trick is that as you begin applying the lessons you learn here, you dont pick up that conflict, or unknowingly escalate it, and ideally, our partners learn to self soothe.
