Good evening - First Time Poster: Discarded 2 weeks ago

[AlteredReality]

Hello everyone.  iscarded male and victim of an exBPD female.   I guess I'm here to join the family after discard #2 almost two weeks ago.  I've been doing a lot of reading and studying, like most here, and would like to share my story.  Reading thorough all the posts (on page 48 so far) has given me a sense of hope, a shared disbelief on what some of you have gone through, and a thirst to know more as I begin a new journey into acceptance.  I want to personally thank everyone who has shared and I hope that my story will help someone else in the future.

I do have a question before I start writing everything out.  How much detail is too much detail?  Is it better to give a synopsis or go into specifics?  I would like to be as specific as I can on several points (without using real names of course), but I also don't want it to take an entire afternoon to read.  Any advice beforehand would be great.  Thank you!

[once removed]

hey AlteredReality and

im very sorry to hear about the circumstances that brought you here, but i am glad you found us. there is hope, there is healing (youve found a great place to do it), and things really do get better.

How much detail is too much detail? 

up to you! i know sharing my story in detail was cathartic for me, and useful to have on hand to look back on as i healed.

a good starting point might be to tell us how long the two of you were together, and what led up to breakup number two? how are you coping?

[Wickit]

I'd love to read a lot of details, because the BPD traits often manifest themselfs in the smallest things. I'm writing my story to post here as we speak, and the details make me understand and realize what a b*tch my uBPDxgf actually was (or could be).

[Mustbeabetterway]

Welcome, Altered Reality,

You have found an excellent source of support and resources.  It’s good that you see hope in many of the members stories.  As once removed has pointed out, there is hope. 

I will try to help answer your questions about what to write.  It can be cathartic to get what really happened down in writing.  But, as you say, posts that are very, very long may not get the desired replies and feedback .  Perhaps you should split it up into smaller sections, and as once removed says maybe tell us how you got together, how you learned about BPD, etc. 

Looking forward to hearing more of your story. 

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[AlteredReality]

Thank you for the welcome messages.  I sincerely appreciate it.  It's hard to get through all the incoherent thoughts that are going through my head, so I'll start out with a little of my backstory.  I'm sorry if it is long winded.

I'm 42, father of two amazing girls, physically fit, intelligent, long term employed, and look much younger than I actually am.  I tend to have a white knight complex, maybe a rescuer mentality, but I wouldn't consider myself to be co-dependent.  Maybe it's the family genes, I don't know.  I hope that doesn't sound conceited or self-aggrandizing.  I don't consider myself conceited by any means, quite the opposite in fact.  I've never had a problem attracting beautiful women, it just turns out my choices of the ones available seem to be severely lacking.  I grew up in a single mother household as my father left just after I was born.  I saw him on holidays every year but he lived in a different state.  Maybe there is something to those relationships that make me choose poorly?  I don't really know.

Back in 2002, I divorced from what I believe to be another female with a personality disorder that I married in 1996 when I was 23 and fresh out of college.  We had a daughter after being married for 2 years (now 19 and in college).  We have been divorced for just over 15 years after she decided to have an affair with someone she was previously engaged to.  Of course that didn't work out and she tried to come back home after a few months.  I wasn't having it.  She has since been engaged at least 4 times that I'm aware of and married twice.  She meets all the criteria of BPD, but back then I had no idea there were even such things as personality disordered relationships.  She was beautiful, intelligent, knew it and always wanted to make sure I knew it as well.  I still talk to her occasionally for matters concerning my oldest, but other than "matter of fact" communication I don't have anything to do with her.

A few years after that divorce, I reconnected with an old friend.  She and I had been friends in college, but my first wife put an end to that relationship as well as all other female relationships immediately after we got married.  I reached out to her after my divorce was finalized and I was in a good place in my life, open to dating again.  We dated for a little over 3 years and were married in 2006.  She is also very beautiful, athletic, funny, well educated, mentally stable and everything I had looked for in a forever relationship.  We really were the perfect match.  In 2009 we found out that she was pregnant.  It was a huge surprise as we weren't trying, and hadn't really been interested in having children.  She was was an amazing stepmother to my daughter from the previous marriage and was perfectly content in that role before becoming pregnant, but became very excited about us having a child of our own, a beautiful baby girl.  I'm going to skip a few details here and summarize that not long after she was born, our daughter developed a severe lung disorder and died that same year.  It is still incredibly painful to even write about, so please forgive my lack of posting detailed information.

Needless to say, this highly emotional trauma changed things for the both of us.  We completely shut down, pushed each other away instead of working together to get through it, and even though we were still married, we were more roommates than lovers.  We couldn't look at each other without seeing loss.  We didn't go out anymore.  We didn't hang out anymore.  We worked, ate, slept and occasionally tried to be intimate even though that was even tough and seemed forced.  Fast forward to 2012, and turns out one of our "ho-hum" nothing better to do nights of sex turned into another unexpected pregnancy.  This time was much different.  There was little excitement, a lot of fear, and a rehashing of a trauma that we had both been dealing with separately.  9 months later we had another beautiful daughter, perfectly healthy, and just had her 6th birthday a few months ago.  She is my little gem and definitely a daddy's girl.  The new addition didn't help bring my wife and I any closer together though.  We were still just too far removed from the bliss and could only see the pain and loss in each other, despite having created another beautiful young daughter together.  It was established that we did NOT want to divorce and have her grow up in a two family household, so we decided to live together as a family, but have separate bedrooms, lives, etc.  Should one of us find a new relationship in the future then we could address it then if it became serious.  I know that may sound crazy to someone who has never been in this situation, but it worked for us.  We still love each other and are amazing parents and friends, she would take a bullet for me and I for her, but the trauma was just too much for us to go back to being lovers.  We have been living this way for the last 6 years.

I know some of you reading may be wondering where the exBPD comes in since that is what this forum is about, and I will get to that in the next post.  I just wanted everyone to have a good grasp on where things stood in my life before addressing the chaos of the last year.  It's coming.  Grab some popcorn.

[AlteredReality]

Now for a little info about my exBPD girlfriend.  This is going to go into some lengthy detail, but I will not be posting any names or locations.  Consider it a "broad brush" and can be applied to quite a few BPD individuals.

Things I know for sure:

She is 28, mother of a 6 year old daughter who is in the same school as my 6 year old daughter, never married, moderately tall and slender (5'8, maybe 115lbs), dark hair that is dyed red, and a dozen or so tattoos.  She has a very pretty face but doesn't like to wear makeup.  She doesn't really need to as she has a very nice complexion.  Her body in general is very nice and well toned, but she is as flat as a surfboard.  That was a physical turnoff for me (superficially speaking, I'm sorry if that's offensive but I think we all like what we like) but she more than made up for it with her "fake" personality and sexual prowess.  She was a monster in the bedroom.  Nothing was off limits.  She is bisexual, having relationships off and on with whomever she struck up a connection with.  

As sad as it sounds, those are the only things I know for SURE that are real about her.  Everything else I've either been told and accepted in blind faith, questioned in my own head, or were blatant lies.

Here are the things she has told me, or has proclaimed that I'm unsure about.  Some could be true.  Some could be half truths.  Maybe most of what she said were lies.  I'm just going to relay the information and your guess is as good as mine.

1)  She claims to be highly intelligent, however her grasp of basic English when writing and/or speaking seems severely underdeveloped.  Some things she says can provoke quite the intelligent discussion though, so the jury is out on this one.

2)  She was a daily pot smoker from the age of 16 until a few years ago.  I don't know if she has indeed quit, but I never smelled it on her for the time we were together.  She still drinks like a fish, having a few beers or wine every night.

3)  Her parents gave full custody to her aunt when she was 12 because they said they couldn't handle her.

4)  Her mother is an alcoholic and her sister is in a 4 year dysfunctional relationship with a man-child.

5)  The father of her child is a meth addict who served 2 years jail time for distribution.  She says he does not contribute anything financially to their daughter, even though he and his mother get the daughter every weekend from Friday afternoon until Sunday night and sometimes Monday.  She slams this man at every opportunity like he is the scum of the earth.

6)  Her most recent ex. also has two children around the same age.  She lived with him for 4 years, although I can't even verify anything about him existing aside from a picture she showed me.  She said he was physically and verbally abusive, and even raped her after they broke up while one of his friends watched.  

7)  She is fascinated by all things murder related.  True crimes.  Books and movies on serial killers.  I can't say for sure if she really is into this stuff, or if it was just something she mirrored from a past relationship.  Jury is out on this one too.

8)  She likes to cut herself when she feels bad.  I have seen a few scar marks on her thigh that have long since healed, but I don't know if they were from cutting.  This one may be true but I just don't know.

9)  She's only dated 3 men, me being the third.  All of her other relationships were with women.  I have no idea if this is true.  Given her behaviors when we were together, "dated" may be accurate but that doesn't mean she didn't hook up with others.

10)  She can't keep a job, but professes to know more than anyone at any place she works.  They are always restaurant related.  Since we got together last year, she has had 5 different jobs.  That's just in the last 12 months.  There is no telling how many before that, but I know of at least a dozen from the last few years.

11)  There was always something physically wrong with her.  Migraines, rib pain, chest pain, uterus pain, stomach pain, back pain, pneumonia, collapsed lung.  No, I didn't make a single one of those up for dramatic effect.  She experienced every one while we were together, some on multiple occasions.  I'm sure there were more that I'm forgetting, but should be enough to get my point across.  I have no idea how many were real or made up.

12)  There was always an emergency if she was late, didn't call or text, or had to cancel.  I seriously think she could have opened a crisis hotline of her own with all the emergencies she had to attend to when she wanted to get out of doing something.  She was constantly late to everything when she could be bothered to show up at all.

13)  She claimed to be a world class cook and baker.  Inventing recipes and innovating new techniques.  Hmm.  She never cooked for me, and baked for me twice.  It was good.


That's about all I can come up with at the moment.  If I think of anything else as I'm writing our story in the next post, I'll update it here and denote in a different color.  Thanks to everyone who has kept up with me so far.  I just feel like writing and getting it all out there, so please forgive me if I'm not being more concise.  I will cover more specific "traits" regarding BPD when I go over our relationship.

[Turkish]

She certainly sounds like she has a lot of baggage.  What happened that resulted in the discard?

[AlteredReality]

Beginning of the relationship, up until first discard:

My exBPD and I met at our kids school in August of last year.  We hadn't known each other prior to that, the first time I saw her was in the orientation room since our daughters were in the same kindergarten class.  For the first few months we would smile and wave to each other when we were walking to or from dropping off the girls at class.  We never really spoke for any length during that time, other than the occasional "Hi" or "How are you?"  I didn't even know her name.  Incredibly, our daughters became inseparable best friends in class.  One day towards the first of November, after I dropped my daughter off, my exBPD was just standing in the hallway outside of the classroom.  I did the normal "Hi, how are you?" routine as I was walking by and she formally introduced herself.  We walked out of school together and had a conversation about the kids and how they were getting so close to one another.  It was friendly, and I didn't read too much into it.  The next morning, she and her daughter were parked beside where I always park, waiting for us to walk in together.  I still didn't think much of it, but for the next few weeks it started to be a trend.  They were always waiting, we always walked in and out together.  The Friday before Thanksgiving vacation, as we were leaving that morning, we made small talk about the kids having a week off, and she said we should go get coffee one day during the break.  I told her I don't drink coffee, but I would be glad to go somewhere and talk none the less.  We exchanged numbers, and she sent me a text before I even got out of the parking lot.

We texted back and forth for most of the week, and agreed to meet up on Saturday.  We went to a local restaurant, had a small meal and then went to another place for drinks.  It was very casual.  I explained my living situation and she was perfectly fine with that.  She had met my wife a few times at school and knew everything was cool between us living separate lives, and that I wasn't doing anything shady.  I explained that I wasn't looking for anyone or anything, and it was crazy how comfortable she made me feel.  It was a great night, we hugged at the end, and continued to text until they went back to school.  For the next few weeks, up until Christmas break, we spent much more time together.  Going to the park, taking walks, going out for a drink here and there, hanging out and getting to know each other better.  Sounds like a normal relationship up to this point, right?  Well there were SO many red flags that I didn't pay attention to during this time.  I wasn't aware of personality disorders in relationships, and thought she was just excited to be with me.

She acted like the sun rose and set on me for those first few weeks.  She was always doing nice things, giving compliments, buying small gifts, etc.  She told me she loved me after about the third week, that nobody understood her I like do, thought I was "the one", and that she could see us spending the rest of our lives together.  Of course, I ate it up, and began to have VERY strong feelings for her as well.  Eventually I told her I loved her too a few weeks after Christmas.  The sex was amazing.  It was almost everyday.  In the car.  At the park.  You name it.  She was always ready to do whatever, whenever, and however I wanted it.   We had very in-depth and intellectual conversations, never argued about anything (she would always mirror everything I said interested me), and I truly believed every word she ever said.  I couldn't get enough of her, and as far as I knew she felt the same.

That lasted until about February, when all of a sudden she always had a physical ailment that kept us from doing anything or hanging out as often.  I listed all of those in the previous post above.  Again, I don't know how many of those were actually true, or if she was trying to distance herself from me, but it was always something almost every day.  It was at this point that I was paying for everything, and she started shifting the focus of all conversations to be about her.  How bad her day was.  How life was hard.  Everything was "poor me" and she couldn't be bothered to ask or even offer sympathies if I had a rough day.  Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING was all about her.

There were periods during the relationship that she would tell what I considered "white lies" about trivial things.  I overlooked them, and even thought it was cute in the beginning.  I chalked it up to her trying to impress me.  Over time though, the lies started to grow.  She would stay late at work (one time until 1am) and always had an excuse.  She would have several blocks of time that were unaccounted for, and when I would ask about them she would always make up something that I knew wasn't true.  Her lies were said with such sincerity and reassurance about or relationship that I would go along with it just to keep from having her disappointed in me for even questioning it.  How crazy is that?  She could tell the most outrageous, bold faced lie of a story, straight to my face without missing a beat.

Things were fine as far as I knew, until she took a new job towards the middle of March.  This new job required her to work evenings, and the establishment closed at 9pm.  There were a few nights, especially on the weekends, that she wouldn't get home until after midnight.  This continued to occur until two weeks before Easter.  Having been through that at her last job, I decided it was time to ask if there was something going on outside our relationship that I should know about.  She reassured me again that everything was good, and that she was having to stay late to do a lot of the menial tasks because she was new.  Another excuse that I shouldn't have bought but did.  Things returned to what I thought was normal through the week, still mising some blocks of time and less frequent texts, but I ignored them until the Sunday before Easter when it happened again.  She didn't get home until after 2am.  We had gone shopping before she went to work that day because she said she needed a new outfit.  I even helped her pick it out and I didn't think a thing about it.  She looked amazing in this outfit too, on top of already being a very beautiful woman.  Simply stunning.  I'm assuming that whomever she met after work thought so too, but I'll never know.

So I go about my day.  Usually she will send random texts from work about whats happening, telling me she misses me, how incredible I am, etc., but that night was different.  The texts barely came, I sent a few with several hours in-between replies, and finally about 4 hours after closing, she texted to tell me she was on the way home.  (we didn't live together, I don't think I mentioned that)  When she got home, I finally told her that I was upset about how things went that evening.  This is where it all started to go downhill.  She accused me of not trusting her, not appreciating her, not giving her space or understanding, and said she wanted to meet and talk about it the next morning after she'd a had a night to think about our relationship.

Fast forward to the next morning, and we met at a neutral site (her choice, a store parking lot of all things).  I got into her car and asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about, and the first thing out of her mouth is that we should go back to being just friends.  What?  Two days ago I was the love of your life, you wanted to be with me forever, I could do no wrong, and today you just want to be friends?  Because I asked why you were 4 hours late getting home from work?  I couldn't even say anthing I was so taken aback.  I just told her if thats what she wanted then I was ok with it (even though I was as far from ok as someone could be)

Things of course didn't add up.  I was surprised, floored, devastated, broken hearted.  You name it and I felt it.  I tried all day to wrap my head around it, so I started doing some research on relationships coming to a sudden end.  This was where my journey into personality disorders started.  BPD, bipolar, sociopathy, psychopathy, etc.  At first, I thought sociopath, she hit just about every box except that I saw many signs of her having actual feelings for certain things.  It took me a while to finally come to the conclusion that BPD hit EVERY checkmark.  I can't help but think she may just be undiagnosed (or maybe diagnosted but left that out during our time together).  She had said that she had been in and out of therapy during her teens to deal with several issues related to her parents giving her up to her aunt.  Again, before all this I was clueless about personality disorders.

I've had relationships in the past end, some on much worse terms than these, but this one took the cake.  I was actually planning on spending the rest of my life with this person, and but I'm not sure I even knew her at all.  I wondered if anything was real or if it all a lie and a manipulation?  I can't say for sure, but at that time it felt like my whole world had ended.  On top of all that, Easter was coming up and all plans had gone out the window.  I had a week to get myself together since the kids were on Easter break, and I knew I'd be seeing her at school the next Monday morning.  I read.  I studied.  I poured myself into learning as much as I could about personality disorders.  Can't even begin to count how many hours I spent researching that week.  All of them had one thing in common.  GO NO CONTACT.  Well guess what, that was the only option I couldn't do since our kids were best friends and we walk to class together every morning.  I suppose I could have taken my daughter much earlier, but I didn't want my relationship issues to affect her friendship with my ex's daughter.  So, the next Monday morning, I sucked it up, went to the school and continued the routine.  After we dropped them off in class, the ex was again waiting for me in the hallway to walk out together.  She acted as if she was on cloud 9, happy go lucky, without a care in the world.  Told me all about her Easter and vacation, how much fun she had, all while I was just trying to keep my sh!t together.  I use the "grey rock" method as best I could, but that didn't stop her from telling me how life was so wonderful now.  It was honestly like the previous 6 months had never existed in her mind.

I'm going to wrap this one up here since I'm running out of time.  Next post will be about the recycle and eventual discard 2 weeks ago.  I can't tell you how good it feels to have all this written out.  Thank you all for listening (reading) while I expel some demons.  For those asking, I'm doing ok so far.  It isn't nearly as traumatic as the first discard because I knew what to expect.  It's still an issue of course, otherwise I wouldn't feel the need to share, but I'm a LOT better this time dealing with things.

[AlteredReality]

Dealing with the first discard, recycle, and eventual discard again:

Continuing from the previous post, I had just been discarded, spent a week learning about BPD, and dreading getting up during the week knowing I was going to be walking into and out of school with someone who had just erased the last 6 months from existence.  Needless to say I wasn't in a good place but continued to put on a happy face.  I never caved though, and managed not to send her a text or call for clarity on what happened.  We just continued to do the same routine of dropping the kids off every morning, then going about our separate lives for the next month or so.  It was brutal for me to see how happy she was.  Maybe even more happy than before we got together.

The first week of May, just a few weeks before school let out for the summer, our girls class was going on a field trip.  We had planned on riding together before the discard, but of course that all changed.  My wife and I decided to ride together instead of separately to save gas, and since the exBPD hadn't really spoken to me I wasn't sure if she was even going.  Turns out she did, and the entire time we were at the museum she looked like she could chew glass and spit some shards at me.  It was a huge break from the normal friendly attitude every morning where she acted like she was happy and had the perfect life.  She ended up leaving early with her daughter, and was in a FOUL mood about it.

That night, I was sitting at my computer and trying to decide whether or not to email or text her to see what was wrong.  Maybe she and her new person, or other recycle hadn't worked out.  Maybe she was mad because my wife and I rode together.  Maybe she was just having a bad day.  I finally broke down and sent her a very short text saying "Is everything ok?"  She proceeded to tell me that seeing me with my wife made her jealous, even though she knew we weren't really together in that way.  She went on to say that she understood she was being petty, but couldn't help how she felt.  To be honest, it actually made me feel pretty good at first.  The more I thought about it though, I think that was more of the "poor me" attitude coming out again and she wanted me to feel sorry for her.  I bit and apologized all the same.  That was the end of that.  No more texts, and the next week she was back to being happy and carefree in the mornings, wanting nothing to do with me otherwise.  The Friday of that next week though, she was no longer happy.  The job where she worked (that caused the problems in the first place) was closing down, so she was about to be unemployed.  That morning after dropping the girls off, we talked for about half an hour in the parking lot.  It was a HUGE pitty party for her and her alone.  After she got it all out, we went our separate ways and I didn't hear from her the rest of the weekend.

Sunday night, I finally lost my resolve to just move on and decided to write her a letter telling her how I felt.   How I viewed our previous relationship, what I knew about personality disorders, that I forgave her for everything that happened, and that I would be there for her if she needed me.  It was not only a way to vent, but I also think it was maybe a desperate attempt to see if there was any hope of reconciliation.  I KNEW it was a terrible idea given everything I had learned about BPD, but I went against my brain and led with my heart.  That next morning, after we dropped off the girls again, I got the letter out of my truck and handed it to her.  I told her I wrote a short story, and if she wanted to talk afterward to let me know, but if not I would understand and we could pretend it never happened.

Well, I didn't even make it back home before she sent me a text.  She said she stayed in the parking lot, read all 4 pages and cried.  Then asked if we could could get together and talk later in the week.  I agreed and asked her to let me know what would be a good time for her.  We agreed to meet at the park we always went to on Wednesday.  Fast forward to Wednesday, and we met up as planned.  We walked and talked for probably 3 hours.  She told me she missed me, never stopped loving me, I was still her "one" yadda yadda, essentially restarting the love bombing phase.  WAY over the top with the compliments and adoration.  At the end of the walk, I told her I thought we should maybe take things slow and not jump right in where we left off.  She seemed a little irritated, but wasn't ugly about it, just saying if thats what I wanted to do then it was ok.  We texted several times on Thursday and Friday, and she asked me to come over on Saturday to hang out for a while.  I went over and she greeted me like we had never spent a moment apart.  Kissing, hugging, rubbing, etc., and eventually we had sex within the first 20 mins of me being there.  Immediately afterward, she made a comment about how she was glad we didn't have to take it slow any more and could get back to how we were.

This time though, things were different.  She had just lost another job, and was complaining about being in a depression over how her bills were going to get paid.  Of course I offered to help and she would hemhaw around about not wanting to take my money.  Guess what?  She always took my money.  Food, gas, car insurance, car payment, rent, etc.  You name it and I paid for it.  Gifts.  Clothes.  Restaurants.  Smart Watch.  Toys for her daughter.  Yep.  Bought those too.  Never hesitated and don't regret it even now.  I make plenty of money, so that was never the issue.  What I see NOW is that she needed rescuing financially and whomever she had been with after the first discard was either smart enough not to throw money at her, or couldn't afford to do it.  This went on through the end of may and most of June until I called in a few favors and got her a job.  She now had the best job she's ever had and of course at the time she acted thankful.  I still continued to help pay for things until she got back to having a "pot to piss in" so to speak. 

Things were still good between us up through the first week of July.  She wasn't the same woman as last November though.  Her temper was more pronounced, though not directly at me, just in general.  Her appetite for sex wasn't nearly as great as the first few months either.  She even asked once if I would leave her if she decided to stop having sex all together.  It's like her mind was 1000 different places at once all the time.  She would go from texting me every 20 minutes to just a few times a day, then back to every 20 minutes.  The hot/cold faucet could never find a warm setting.

The Sunday after the 4th of July was when the house of cards started to get shaky.  She said she had a terrible day at work and wanted to just be alone for a while and process what had happened.  I gave her space to collect her thoughts and told her I would talk to her the next day.  Well, the next day wasn't any better.  She had another bad day and didn't feel like talking.  Again, I gave her some space.  From that point forward it really started going down hill.  She didn't really want to hang out or get together.  Didn't feel like talking or texting because she was "not in a good place" from an emotional standpoint.  Life was getting her down.  She was depressed and "shut down" to use her words.  She said it didn't have anything to do with me, that's just how she was.  When things got to be too much she just shut everyone out.  It all came to a head on Wednesday, July 25th.  We got together that evening to hang out and talk, and she did her best to drive me away.  Telling me I deserved better, that she was worthless, she wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't, and didn't know if she could be with me in her current state of mind.  I said all the things that I'm sure you guys/gals have before, that we could work through things if she wouldn't shut me out.  It was like I was talking to a door.  She never acknowledged anything I had to say, but sure tried her best to get me to feel sorry for her instead of focusing on being discarded again.  The evening ended with me telling her that I would give her all the space she needed to figure things out.  She took it. 

I didn't hear form her or see her until the following Monday, the morning our girls were going to school for open house.  I sent her a text to let her know my daughter was upset that she and her daughter weren't going to be in the same class this year.  We texted back and forth for a few minutes, only about the girls, and nothing else.  It seemed rather positive, but not a loving conversation.  More like someone you work with.  The next night (Tuesday), I sent her a text to see if she was feeling any better.  It was short, but caring and I really didn't expect a reply given how things had been going.  This was when she really dropped the bomb.  Even though I was already discarded in her mind the week prior, she had to let me KNOW without a shadow of a doubt it was over this time.  That it wasn't going to work out.  She had too many issues, too many things going on, didn't have time for me, wanted to work on herself, was still shut down and a whole list of other things that I had no idea about.  It was another pity party for herself, and I was yet again on the business end of the blade.  I was hurt once again, but knowing what I had learned from before, the utter shock wasn't there.  I was more prepared mentally.  Was it easy?  Hell no, but it wasn't unbearable like the first time.

On Wednesday of last week, the first day of school, it was like we hadn't missed a beat.  They were waiting on us in the parking lot, we all walked in together, and when we got back outside to our cars she said she was still "shut down" and didn't know how to shake it.  I told her I would continue to leave her alone until she figured out whatever she needed to figure out.  We have continued to keep up the same routine since last week, and she is back to acting like she doesn't have a care in the world in the morning when we drop our kids off.

That was WAY longer than I thought it would be, so I'm going to end this one here.  I'll leave some final thoughts in the next post when I can gather them all together.  I'll also be glad to answer any questions about the relationship, my feelings, or whatever anyone would like to know if it helps them process their own situation.  Writing about it has certainly helped, and thank you all for allowing me to share.

[SerendipityChild]

Hi AlteredReality.
Writing does seem like a great way to cope and deal with our "losses". I feel a little better already. Reading your posts reminded me of what I have been through with my ex. I consider myself attractive- I can still make men's heads turn at age 47. It used to make my ex crazy knowing I am 13 years older than him and I am more desirable than he is. I have invested so much- emotionally, physically, mentally and financially. He could not keep a job for long- except maybe this last one. Only because he knows he could not rely on me any longer. I promised my kids that it is really over. And I do not want to disappoint them if I take my ex back. No matter what. It is over. But the getting over him part isn't. It is painful, depressing and miserable.
I am so happy I found this site. I am actually in the west coast and at work as I type this. All day I was feeling so low until I discovered this site.
So thank you for sharing and letting me share.

[once removed]

hey AlteredReality,

thats quite a wild ride! it helps to talk and get our stories down.

is there any update since last wednesday? how are you holding up?