It's amazing...to finally comprehend difficulty I've been going through

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

... .to finally somewhat comprehend the difficulty that I have been going through trying to understand and help my spouse the last several years and why there has been much deterioration regardless of enormous efforts (and patience).  My story is just like so many others and I feel so much less alone all the sudden.  The close friends and family I have confided in (those that have have experienced the difficulties with me through these years) have been helpful but just as 'in the dark' as I have been in understanding.  There is a lot of information to process initially, but I'm thankful.  I appreciate being part of this community    

[Spouse8913]

... .to finally somewhat comprehend the difficulty that I have been going through trying to understand and help my spouse the last several years and why there has been much deterioration regardless of enormous efforts (and patience).  My story is just like so many others and I feel so much less alone all the sudden.  The close friends and family I have confided in (those that have have experienced the difficulties with me through these years) have been helpful but just as 'in the dark' as I have been in understanding.  There is a lot of information to process initially, but I'm thankful.  I appreciate being part of this community    

[pearlsw]

Hello Spouse 8913,



There is a indeed a lot to learn and understand about here! How did you start to the dots that what was going on might be BPD?

Can you tell us more about the deterioration you describe, please? What is going on?

I can relate, I was in the dark for a number of years as well. Wish I'd known sooner! I knew something was off, but I could not figure it out because my SO had traits of the illness, but not the full illness. But even a few of the traits can be quite a lot to deal with!

You are not alone! Glad you found us - keep posting and replying, engaging the community! It can make a big difference to have this as part of your support system.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[BeagleGirl]

Welcome spouse8913!

It really is amazing to find a place where others have shared understanding of what you’re going through. This is also a place where you can learn to better cope with and improve your relationship.

There are lots of tools available on this site. Have you had a chance to check any of them out?  Are there any that resonate with you?

I look forward to hearing more of your story. Even though there are, as you observed, a lot of similarities in the stories we share here yours is unique.

BeagleGirl

[Enabler]

The close friends and family I have confided in (those that have have experienced the difficulties with me through these years) have been helpful but just as 'in the dark' as I have been in understanding. 

Hey Spouse8913

Welcome aboard, great the you feel that you have finally found the enigma machine to unravel your world. By the sounds of things you have already read many of the stories and see that there are alarming similarities between your spouses behavior and others. I found it astonishing when I first came to bpdfamily how many similarities I found... .I'm not just talking about things like "she's constantly critical", but more niche things which on mass provide a set of peculiar behaviors and thought processes described only by the disorder.

Re the quote above, how are things going with the family and friends and their understanding of your findings? I found it very much like convincing people unicorns exist, most being unresponsive to the suggestion that my W suffered from a set of personality traits called BPD.

If you could provide more information regarding your spouse/your relationship that would be very helpful. Detailing some of your concerns and things you might need help with would also be helpful.

One quick point, I would strongly advise AGAINST running to your partner with the good news just yet. Stay, learn, ask questions and we can help guide you through some options. Making informed decisions, learning communication tools and understanding your story is very important, get a firm footing.

Enabler

[Red5]

Welcome Spouse8913!

Yes, it was like finding a flashlight that worked in a dark attic for me too !

There is so much to learn, and to understand, .

One quick point, I would strongly advise AGAINST running to your partner with the good news just yet. Stay, learn, ask questions and we can help guide you through some options. Making informed decisions, learning communication tools and understanding your story is very important, get a firm footing.

Enabler offers some very good advice there, .as this is a journey, and one must walk carefully down this path.

Learn all you can about BPD, and know that everyone, and every relationship is different, learn and read about the "spectrum"... .things can get better, but I believe its more about us, the "Non's"... .learning how, and why, .and also learning to react better, .a certain measure of peace in the relationship can be achieved, but it takes a lot of practice, and knowledge, and you can do it !

Again, welcome !

Best Regards, Red5

[Spouse8913]

Thanks to those that took the time to respond and reach out   I'm still processing all the new information and reading as much as possible.  It's hard on the brain emotionally, kind of like learning something where you feel you should have known more or better along the way.  We'll, I'm 40+ and have been married for 20+ years.  The cycles and patterns of this have been exhausting, and I'm at about the end of what I can take emotionally. I would have likely left years ago, but we have a daughter who is almost 8.

I'll <try> too keep my story concise, but there are things happening every week and so many years. To illustrate what it is like:

My SO constantly lies to me and everybody (even small things where there is no reason, purpose, or benefit to do so - it's surreal to wonder why at times).
She talks to people to look for sympathy - and she convinces most everyone that couldn't know better otherwise. She is amazing at this.
I finally have a network of family and friends that support me so much, they do the damage control - I somehow look bad when I do it myself - so over the years I just have kept silent and let my own actions and personality define me.  My outspoken support people (mostly her family) have gotten so fed up - they advocate for me all the time now and immediately.
She has asked my 70+ y/o retired parents for $10k to pay her credit card debt.  She also told them that if we were to divorce that I'm leaving the state and they won't see me or their grand daughter.  She has also yelled at my father who has a condition similar to Alzheimers.
She told me she has spies.
She doesn't have friends because she lies so often and constantly burns bridges with no regret (I know this sounds like a jab or overstatement, but is 100% honest).  This makes me and our daughter her entire world.
She makes me feel like I should do nothing external with friends.
I went out for a few hours last Saturday with two friends whom I've known for 10+ years each, and she just can't cope with it for some reason.  The last time I went out with friends was January (which I still hear about half a year later).  Just three weekends ago, she gave a 1-day advance announcement she needed time away and left the state for 3 days.  It was kind of nice as I had the weekend with my daughter and there was no friction/drama/etc that are otherwise always present. 
My spouse is an intelligent professional and has cycled through several career-based jobs and the current one had her take a leave of absence (it's been several months now).  I still do not know the whole story behind this.
She complains about things that never happen, and has had fits in front of other adults to the point where they are confused and/or afraid.
We have neighbors that don't allow their kids to come in our house.  One will text me to see if i am home and then is ok with her kids playing if I am.
My wife texted my daughter's best friend's mother (her friend from school - they don't live close to us) about a month ago.  A couple hours later, the mother texted both of us that she supports the girls friendship and the girls can play together at her house, but her daughter is not going to be allowed to play at our house.  I don't know what the first text had said, but the impact affected my daughter and us to this extent.
My spouse spent many years sleeping during the day and weekends.  It was from pain she has experienced from a trauma she had to her leg as a teenager - nerve damage to the sciatic.  Prescription painkillers and rest were used to manage it for many years.  She stopped these medications months ago.  She was so detached during these years, she missed plays my daughter had and even parent teacher conferences.   This also included other things such as dentist, doctors visits, haircuts, and almost all homework.   
Since I have been running the household and functioning primarily as a single-parent, I have had a nanny help for most of my daughters life.  My spouse decided one day that it was enough, and she can do it (coincidentally this was at the time her job made her take a leave of absence).  She made up stories, lied to my daughter, created emotional damage to my daughter beyond what a child should endure (I have her in child therapy now).  Since my spouse has no other friends, she made my daughter her best friend (and it is/was summer) and you can imagine how that has gone.  Adults have a hard time being with my spouse, and can leave on their own power.  My daughter can't do that and doesn't have the mental and emotional foundation to sort all the things happening and being said.  I try to be present as much as i can and do as much as possible with my daughter to help balance it.  I do all I can to get her out of the house and play with friends.   
I bought some ground coffee online a couple weeks ago and my spouse told my sister in law that she thinks I had it poisoned.
My spouse watches all the things I do on social media and has asked people (including my work) for my texts.
My spouse has been caught cheating (by her own sister), and accuses me of cheating to anyone that listens to her.
On the down-swing, she tends to see the 1% bad in life and makes everything about that.  I've been trying so hard for so many years to do everything and make life stable and happy for all of us and especially my daughter.  Big vacations, private schools, etc.  There are three therapists involved now.  My wife saw a psychologist once (right after her leave of absence from work) who wanted to see her weekly, but she never went back.
The cycles of this are exhausting, and when she goes really low it almost feels like she is possessed (this is just a metaphor to get the point across of the intensity).
Her family members have wanted to try to get her evaluated.  Her parents came to visit/help a few months ago and she threw me (and her father) under-the-bus.  To make her point strong about me 'cheating', she dragged her mother <right there> to go with her to get an std test at the clinic in town.  It was so surreal to them and was only a few hours they spent here.

I literally have an endless amount of experiences like this.  I'm trying to keep my own energy/personality high and positive, but it is unrealistic to say that I would not be affected.  I worry more about how my daughter is impacted by it all as it has intensified greatly this spring/summer. 

Well - there is the peek into my own story.  Thanks if you read this far and I apologize if it seems 'complain-ey' or jabbing.  I don't know how else to get the stories out without looking that way on my end.  I appreciate the advice of not bringing up BPD to my SO and the advice and support from all of you (and I'm not an expert, so I'm still figuring if this is a correct conclusion).  I have been recently reading a lot online and ordered a few books.   Like Enabler says, it's hard to share because it is equivalent to convincing others that 'Unicorns Exist'. 

Whatever path that lies ahead, at least I'll be more knowledgeable and hopefully address and cope in a better method.  If you have any advice to share, I would love to hear.  thx
       
 

[Enabler]

DUDE... .you are in the right place 100%.

I can’t promise you we can change her at all, thing may change as a result of changes you may choose to make... .but we can help you make sense of it all. I like to say you have found the enigma machine, you can start unravelling your chaos and I promise you that if you work with us, we’ll work with you and things can improve.

The information you have provided is excellent and makes MASSIVE sense. I strongly advise you to read as many posts, books and the tools section as possible, personally see a therapist and protect your soul with knowledge. Making sense of the nonsense is half the battle.

The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask. There’s 30k members globally, people will respond... .I’ll respond. Garage information. I’ll come back tomorrow am (UK) with some discussion points about some of the key issues above. If you want to highlight some specific key concerns that would be awesome. Paranoia, ‘enmeshment’ and lies seem to stick out at the moment.

Stay strong buddy

Enabler

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Spouse8913,
   You've been married half your life and now you find yourself exhausted by your wife's behavior. Had you known what you were in for earlier, you would have left, but now you have a daughter you want to protect. Just about everyone here arrived totally blindsided by their partner's unpredictable and irrational behavior, so you needn't spend a minute thinking you should have known from the outset.    

Your spouse is a compulsive liar and likes to wrap herself in victimhood for sympathy. You have a great network of family and friends who run interference for you.   Good work!

She has threatened your elderly parents that she will abduct your daughter and has asked them for large amounts of money to pay off debt. She burns bridges with people and has solely focused upon you and your daughter, thereby isolating you from the outside world. Yet, she does not apply these restrictions to her own behavior.

She's been employed in a variety of jobs in her professional career, but currently has been made to take a leave of absence, and you don't know why.

Due to her acting out behavior, other people prevent their children from coming to your house and she has made other adults confused and afraid.

For many years, she has used prescription meds for pain, which she's recently discontinued, and has been nonfunctional at times with daytime sleep and missed appointments.

You've had to function as a single parent with the help of a nanny, until your wife went on leave and tried to assume those responsibilities. She's become over-focused upon your daughter and is trying to befriend her rather than being a parent. She's lied to your daughter and now you're trying to repair the damage she's created by having your daughter in therapy and supporting her in spending time with her and helping her have a good social life with her friends.

Your spouse tracks you on social media, has paranoid ideas that you are poisoning her, accuses you of cheating and focuses upon what's wrong. You've tried to create a happy and stable life and provided vacations, private school and therapists.

You're exhausted, but your biggest concern is how your wife's behavior will impact your daughter's future.

You've definitely got a lot that you're dealing with and despite all the chaos your spouse brings to your world, you are strong and balanced. It may not feel that way, but you've been carrying a heavy load for a long time.

You mention three therapists. Are you seeing someone who can support you in dealing with your wife?

Cat

[Spouse8913]

Thank you Enabler and Cat Familiar and future contributors!

This has been a real eye-opening experience for me and I'm still learning a lot.  I mostly buried my head into work (I half own a company and it's easy to do) and built an incredible home life for us along the way over the years since my daughter was born.  The big change was my SO wanting to suddenly take control and change everything at home this early Spring.  The timing of this came about the convergence of many changes (her medication change, a surgery that affected her hormones, and a change in her job that put her in a position that was in charge of other people).  My wife now has a therapist, and after about a month into that things got so much worse that I had a joint session and an individual session with her therapist.  I don't think maintaining that would have been healthy, but it was necessary for her therapist to know what was going on at home through another filter.  It wasn't long after my SO's therapy started, she had all sorts of homework and was gone a lot of the day (early on) doing things and she wouldn't talk about anything even though our home life was spinning downhill so fast.  She would tell me she wasn't allowed to share what she was going through (what she was doing, where she was going, what was diagnosed, etc), no matter how much it affected home.  With things at home going so badly, I could see the stress on our daughter and I researched child therapists that were available here.  I found one with a background that was extensive and she even ran the entire psychiatric department at a major hospital nearby for some time before opening her own practice.  She is fantastic, and she works with us together and individually (different combinations of the three of us) all with the focus of our daughter in mind.   She is an absolute anchor and very helpful.  The last therapist addition is our couples therapist.  We had individual sessions early on after the first joint session, and subsequent have been joint.  She works hard on focus (through programs and literature mostly about impending divorce and signs of) and more effective communication methods.  There is so much to do there and an hour a week only gets so much progress.  All of these therapists are started within the last 6 months.  They generally have encouraged me to go to my own therapist to deal with it all, and it seems I may have to add a 4th   

I think life should be something more free/open/honest/constructive and not require many therapists just to keep things barely tolerable (with a hopeful outlook and a lot of work).  I have a hard time with this, as it seems kind of like a square peg in a round hole.  It can be done with a lot of effort and modification, but just wasn't meant to be that way naturally.   

Sorry - off on a tangent... . 

Enabler - you are absolutely right in your assumption of 'key concerns'.  I'm a pretty strong and independent person so don't worry to give your opinion - I always listen and weigh my own decisions.  Garage talk is my preference, no strings and open and honest (even direct) is always best.  I appreciate your feedback and also the support in you knowing that somehow I miraculously got here ;)

Cat Familiar - wow.  It is great you see things the way that you do (pretty much for what they are).  Believe it or not, what I wrote is not even the whole story.  I've been told by the therapists, friends, and others how strong I have been and am amazingly 'relatively unaffected' - well at least to the point that you'd expect otherwise I suppose under all this continuous stress.  I think it is because this change came about so slowly over the years and I have found my own way to cope while I constructed a protected life for my SO.  She basically became a dependent at some point (according to the therapists).  Since you look closely at the individual circumstances, there are some more details of things I hadn't mentioned yet.  A complaint was filed against my SO this summer by someone to a child-advocating agency.  That is an ongoing super-stress that sits on top of all of this other stuff happening at home right now. Also, the nanny we had for 5 years had moved away and I hired an au-pair (post-college graduate) to do the same as our nanny had.   The au-pair agency pulled her from our home about 4 weeks ago for safety reasons after she was here for about 3 months.  She really hung in there over those months and tried to stay for my daughter.  My SO made her life absolutely miserable here.  When I say there are things to deal with all the time and an endless amount, it's really true.  I understand your concern for me and will continue to seek out my own therapist.  For the moment, having come across all of this, I am putting energy into learning all I can here and listening to friendly advice of others that are knowledgeable along the way.         

If I seem lost (or weak), I believe it's because this all affects my SO and I feel a great sense of responsibility and commitment in my core that doesn't allow me to easily move on - given all the reasons not to.  It's certainly not denial as I see and realize all the things around me and how chaotic and abnormal it is.  I know people that haven't experienced this probably scratch their heads and think it would be so easy to do... .  I'm kinda stuck, but i think moving towards taking control of my personal life and helping as much as I can at a distance may be healthiest. I can be a target and care much less if it was coming from someone that wasn't my SO.  It's kind of where I'm at, as I am burning out and the tests are getting harder and harder to pass... .

[Enabler]

Spouse,

You have a great mindset to tackle the issues you are facing. Like many of us you are an independent competent person, a 'fixer'. You're also an 'emotional caretaker' I believe. You feel a huge sense of responsibility for your W's (Wife) emotional state and I'm guessing you try and provide a physical and economic environment where you hoped your W could thrive... .but no matter how much you try nothing seems to work. My guess is you know that stress has something to do with the equation and therefore you attempt to manage your W's stress as much as possible, throwing money at issues such as the au pair etc etc. I'd imagine you get very confused how your W can function so aptly in a work environment (although not at the moment) yet melt when she arrives home.

Can I clarify, are you getting a divorce, your messages below are a bit confusing on that front? If so, who initiated it?

Can I start by directing you to some of the bpdfamily pieces under tools. This first one is a reality you know all too well, however it may give you some insight into why you do the coping mechanisms you do, why they work and how to improve them.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

This second link is more about BPD in general and why your W struggles with connection, communication, anger and relationships involving emotions in general:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

Could you tell me whether or not your W has other maladapted coping mechanisms to manage her heightened emotional state... .even when she was a teenager? I'm sure you have read about cutting and other self harm, anorexia (body dysmorphia) or binge eating, alcohol & drug abuse, prescription meds (even an abnormally high use of paracetamol or other opioids, shopping (with a $10k credit card bill I assume this is one), affairs, other reckless behaviours... .also, and sadly I think this is a coping mechanism... .does she physically attack you?

My recommendation with regards to your conduct at the moment is to keep your eyes peeled. Take notes in a VERY SAFE place such as a work phone. Document things, dates, events. Gather 'information'. If you believe there is a gossip route back to your W, don't take the risk. Try and find out why she has been asked to take a leave of absence. Try and absorb information to get a better picture of your reality and her reality, you know she lies constantly (she has an allergy to shame and guilt) so don't rely on her narrative to formulate your own, anything she tells you stays in the "maybe true" pile until evidenced. Creating a solid reality and firm emotional platform is pivotal for ALL of you.

You're strong and powerful, I can tell that, you have the minerals to rock this, make sense of it all... .what you do with your knowledge, what direction you take your relationship is up to you.

I realise I haven't given you any insight into the things I said I was going to but I think it's important for you to read the pieces before that.

Attached below is another presentation which might help make a bit more sense of her world

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/EMOTIONAL-CASCADES.pdf

Enabler

[Cat Familiar]

If I seem lost (or weak), I believe it's because this all affects my SO and I feel a great sense of responsibility and commitment in my core that doesn't allow me to easily move on - given all the reasons not to.  It's certainly not denial as I see and realize all the things around me and how chaotic and abnormal it is.  I know people that haven't experienced this probably scratch their heads and think it would be so easy to do... . I'm kinda stuck, but i think moving towards taking control of my personal life and helping as much as I can at a distance may be healthiest. I can be a target and care much less if it was coming from someone that wasn't my SO.  It's kind of where I'm at, as I am burning out and the tests are getting harder and harder to pass... .

We know how hard it is to see the person we fell in love with behave like this, Spouse8913.  Lost or weak, Dude--no way! You're holding so much together in spite of incredibly difficult circumstances! It is hard, we know. And you're right--taking control of your life and helping at a distance is the best strategy. We'll help you get there. Keep posting.  

Cat