while I'm detaching, I discovered a friend is doing the same

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Being newly single and recovering from my own pwBPD-relationship, and needing to find new sources of support, I'm trying to reconnect with old friends.  It's early days, but that's going well.

I was shocked to find one such friend is still recovering from his own breakup - a really bad one.  I'll call him 'A'.  He and I had been fairly close, but I took an overseas posting in 2009 and we eventually lost contact.  I knew A as a good friend: caring, smart and with an interesting career.  But also with poor self-confidence and a string of short-term, alpha-male boyfriends that I had always found to be complete jerks.

What I've learned is that for three years, A was in a seriously abusive and violent relationship.  He says police were often called, his family attempted interventions, there were repeated hospitalisations including from a suicide attempt, but A always sided with - and went back to - the monstrously narcissistic (that's my term, not his) boyfriend.  I get the impression that he is deeply ashamed that he kept himself in harm's way for so long.

A says the relationship ended three years ago after he was ejected from the home he owned half of.  Although things were desperate at first, a compassionate and determined lawyer eventually got him a fair settlement.  He now has a new home, new interests, a devoted dog and appears to have more confidence.  But two things trouble me deeply, and I have no idea how to react to them.  First, the ex continues - after three years - to send dark & abusive messages from fake online profiles on dating sites (which makes him impossible to block).  The messages, one of which I've seen, blame A for ongoing problems in the ex's life, and state that A will be left with the guilt of the ex's future suicide.  A won't take them to the police or seek a restraining-order, firstly because he doesn't trust the police after his earlier interactions with them (frankly I feel for the police, it can't be easy to have ongoing compassion for someone who keeps going back to their abuser).  Secondly, "he'll know it was me that complained, so I can't".  I think the situation casts a shadow of fear over A, who is trying to get on with his life, although A denies it has that effect.

My second concern is that there are times when A seems to have no other subject of discussion.  After a couple of drinks with dinner, he continually turns any conversation back to the ex, or the violence he suffered, or items of sentimental value that he lost during the breakup.  I try to 'actively listen' and make supportive statements, but it does gets tiring.  It may also be contributing to a degree of social isolation, as he noted recently that "I don't get many invitations to go out these days".

Is this what PTSD looks like?

Suggesting he sees a therapist - which I think is the best way forward - might not be an option.  I have mentioned my own therapy journey a couple of times, but I sense that he becomes slightly tense at these times, and my gut feel is that he wants to avoid the chance I'll suggest the idea to him.  I also mentioned that sites like bpdfamily exist, but he just responded with "no, I don't need that, I've moved on."

It doesn't seem like that to me.

Many years ago I got into trouble with the law - a frightening experience that was fortunately resolved.  Several people I thought were friends chose to distance themselves when it happened.  But A did the opposite - he called me regularly to "check in" and was a great support in a difficult time.  I will give him my support now, no matter what.  It's just that I don't know what form that support should take.

All thoughts are welcomed.

[mousemat]

Being newly single and recovering from my own pwBPD-relationship, and needing to find new sources of support, I'm trying to reconnect with old friends.  It's early days, but that's going well.

I was shocked to find one such friend is still recovering from his own breakup - a really bad one.  I'll call him 'A'.  He and I had been fairly close, but I took an overseas posting in 2009 and we eventually lost contact.  I knew A as a good friend: caring, smart and with an interesting career.  But also with poor self-confidence and a string of short-term, alpha-male boyfriends that I had always found to be complete jerks.

What I've learned is that for three years, A was in a seriously abusive and violent relationship.  He says police were often called, his family attempted interventions, there were repeated hospitalisations including from a suicide attempt, but A always sided with - and went back to - the monstrously narcissistic (that's my term, not his) boyfriend.  I get the impression that he is deeply ashamed that he kept himself in harm's way for so long.

A says the relationship ended three years ago after he was ejected from the home he owned half of.  Although things were desperate at first, a compassionate and determined lawyer eventually got him a fair settlement.  He now has a new home, new interests, a devoted dog and appears to have more confidence.  But two things trouble me deeply, and I have no idea how to react to them.  First, the ex continues - after three years - to send dark & abusive messages from fake online profiles on dating sites (which makes him impossible to block).  The messages, one of which I've seen, blame A for ongoing problems in the ex's life, and state that A will be left with the guilt of the ex's future suicide.  A won't take them to the police or seek a restraining-order, firstly because he doesn't trust the police after his earlier interactions with them (frankly I feel for the police, it can't be easy to have ongoing compassion for someone who keeps going back to their abuser).  Secondly, "he'll know it was me that complained, so I can't".  I think the situation casts a shadow of fear over A, who is trying to get on with his life, although A denies it has that effect.

My second concern is that there are times when A seems to have no other subject of discussion.  After a couple of drinks with dinner, he continually turns any conversation back to the ex, or the violence he suffered, or items of sentimental value that he lost during the breakup.  I try to 'actively listen' and make supportive statements, but it does gets tiring.  It may also be contributing to a degree of social isolation, as he noted recently that "I don't get many invitations to go out these days".

Is this what PTSD looks like?

Suggesting he sees a therapist - which I think is the best way forward - might not be an option.  I have mentioned my own therapy journey a couple of times, but I sense that he becomes slightly tense at these times, and my gut feel is that he wants to avoid the chance I'll suggest the idea to him.  I also mentioned that sites like bpdfamily exist, but he just responded with "no, I don't need that, I've moved on."

It doesn't seem like that to me.

Many years ago I got into trouble with the law - a frightening experience that was fortunately resolved.  Several people I thought were friends chose to distance themselves when it happened.  But A did the opposite - he called me regularly to "check in" and was a great support in a difficult time.  I will give him my support now, no matter what.  It's just that I don't know what form that support should take.

All thoughts are welcomed.

[pearlsw]

Hi mousemat,

This is all oh so sweet, how much you care for your friend!

I feel like I've been there. After a very sudden and totally unexpected break up (ages ago now) I had talked all my friend's ears off. I was getting ready to move for a temporary job, part of what had caused my boyfriend to feel abandoned and change completely and very suddenly now that I look back on it, and I was just stumbling into walls in a painful daze after this.

I remember being in a bank lobby, and was a little weepy, and I talked off the ear of a total stranger who probably just asked me if I was alright! ahahaahaha. "Oh, my boyfriend suddenly broke up with me, and I don't know why, and he won't talk to me." (cue my sad little tears) I felt so silly bending her ear, this kind older woman, but sometimes you just do run out of people to talk to! She was very nice about it.

I look at it like this. Sometimes you have to listen, lots and extra, on other people's breakups to build up your karma a bit! ;) But I understand if you feel like there is not much more to say. I had one friend it took years to process a breakup with! (his breakup)

I wonder if inviting him to do more active things (running if you do that), or silent things (like movies) could give you time together, but not let him speak so much? Be a friend, but not wear yourself out, ya know?

Another approach might be to set time limits. Maybe? I know it is hard because he was there for you, he sounds like a good guy and he is trying to power through.

When he brings it up again, I'd mention this site again, or just show it to him. Tell him people come here and talk about breakups and it is a great way to handle break ups because we will keep talking, and talking, and talking about them!  Because it matters and no one should suffer alone! You could tell him to just take a look. It is free and might even be more interesting and beneficial than therapy because we talk more and are always here! It's a support community, and boy do we have stories! But also wisdom and kind words any times he needs them.

wishing you both peace in your sweet hearts, pearl.

p.s. are you sure he can't contact the sites themselves and tell them he is being harassed via the sites? maybe they can help?

[mousemat]

Thanks Pearl - lots of good suggestions there.