Timid and tired

[Dwm24]

Hello everyone,

I’ve been looking for a forum for children of BPD parents for a long time but struggled to find one. I am hoping this gives me a space to air out my sadness, loneliness and frustration regarding my mother, who has serious BPD and drinks in excess.

I am in my late 20’s and for my entire life my mother has run the show of our whole family. Violent, angry outbursts were the norm in my home growing up. Smashed dishes, ripped up photographs, constant gossiping and cutting off long friendships over seemingly petty issues. Now I am older and financially independents, but I still find that she has a grip on what I do by manipulating and guilting me into the life she wants for me. I usually go along with what she tells me to do because I have been conditioned to please her merely to avoid rage or getting the silent treatment. Appearing wealthy is very important to her, and constantly hearing that I have  to marry a rich man or wear certain things breaks my heart. She once cut off communication with me because I was dating a guy who was Latino, pitting my siblings against me with manipulation and exaggeration. I never got an apology, even after we broke up. I didn’t expect to.

I could name countless examples of outbursts and of her, “you’re either with me or against me” take on life, but it brings me to tears. I’m so tired. I love her so much but I want to get away. I would like to find a community I can relate to.

Hopefully this forum could bring me some tips or coping mechanisms.

Thanks everyone

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Dwm24, 

After all that time looking, I think you are going to be very happy with finding our online family. We support one another and help you to walk through the challenges you face with your uBPDm.

My mom was also uBPD, and I so get what you have shared. My mom would cut out any people that she didn't like from pictures. She also raged and threw things, and was emotionally enmeshed with my siblings and I. There are so many challenges we face as adult children of a pwBPD. This is a great book Surviving a Borderline Parent to read that has helped me and provided many clues as to what types of things we learned that challenge us as adults.

Here is an article that may help you to feel less Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Also there is a good list to the right hand side of our board. ---->>  Click on any sentence and it will open up with more information.

Please keep sharing!
 
Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

Dwm24

I want to join Woolspinner in welcoming you to our family.

I really identify with a lot of the experiences you mentioned when describing your mother’s behavior.  You are not alone.

 Clearing dishes off the counter and on to the floor in the middle of the night while screaming and raging about how horrible we (kids) were and barging into our rooms at 2am, turning on the bright ceiling light, and screaming obscenities and threats at us were my mother’s favorites. I still wake up at 2am in a panic sometimes.

Please make yourself at home here. Share and air away. We totally get it and we’re here to listen and support you.

 Wools shared a wonderful link on FOG. Have you had a chance to read the article yet? If so, did any of it resonate with you?

  L2T

[Turkish]

I didn't get it that badly, but into my 40s, my mother still suggested that I quit work and go back to school to change careers, thy emotional message being "you haven't done well enough." I actually had if I did the math.  That doesn't matter.  Do you feel that her accusations and demands are more about her than you?

[naturalturn]

I am in my late 20’s and for my entire life my mother has run the show of our whole family. Violent, angry outbursts were the norm in my home growing up. Smashed dishes, ripped up photographs, constant gossiping and cutting off long friendships over seemingly petty issues. Now I am older and financially independents, but I still find that she has a grip on what I do by manipulating and guilting me into the life she wants for me. I usually go along with what she tells me to do because I have been conditioned to please her merely to avoid rage or getting the silent treatment. Appearing wealthy is very important to her, and constantly hearing that I have  to marry a rich man or wear certain things breaks my heart. She once cut off communication with me because I was dating a guy who was Latino, pitting my siblings against me with manipulation and exaggeration. I never got an apology, even after we broke up. I didn’t expect to.

I could name countless examples of outbursts and of her, “you’re either with me or against me” take on life, but it brings me to tears. I’m so tired. I love her so much but I want to get away. I would like to find a community I can relate to.

Hi Dwm24!

I understand you so well, my mother is so similar and I am in a somewhat similar situation. I am in my early 20's and my mother has also been the person who ran the family. We never knew when an outburst would happen and sometimes they would happen because of seemingly insignificant things. The whole family was always walking on eggshells around her. She has a hard time letting go of grudges and is still mad at people for things that happened 20 years ago. Friends would come and go, she always made it seem like her friends are the problem, but it was her. We had a large table in our house with close to 50 or 70 framed pictures and when she would get mad at somebody, she would take any pictures with them in it off the table.

I absolutely understand being older but her still manipulating you. I am financially independent as well and have struggled to not try to meet her demands. My fiance always ask, "What does she do for you? If you made her mad, what would happen? She doesn't give you anything and you can live without her." He's right, but there's a grip that she has which is difficult to explain. I'm working on getting out of this grip now. I remember so clearly trying to avoid rage or the silent treatment since I was a child. It's how I have been basing all my decisions my whole life.

My mom is obsessed with appearing wealthy herself. I think she has given up on me appearing wealthy. I think she likes to appear more beautiful and wealthy in comparison to me. For most of my life, she has been consumed with me appearing intelligent. I sacrificed so much of my childhood and teen years just studying all the time, every night, every weekend, terrified that I wouldn't get into an "elite" college. I am now in a regarded college, but will be graduating with $100,000 in debt that she has no intention of helping me pay. She still mentions to me "Maybe you should transfer into (other elite college) or an ivy league?" And "Well what about your Master's degree? You HAVE to have a Master's degree!"

No care about what I want and the debt I have to deal with because I went to a college she wanted me to go to. It's still never enough for her.

I understand wanting to get away. Do you live in the same city as her?