Deeply hurt, on an emotional rollercoaster

[jxeer]

I'm in a world of emotional pain right now, and could really use some empathy and support.

Tonight would be my two year anniversary of having met my partner. For context, she has BPD and I am the adult child of a mother with BPD. Things had been rocky between us all summer, and she has been breaking up with me on a weekly basis for months, but also calling and texting me constantly each day and being adamant about wanting more time and attention - and even talking about wanting me to move in with her again. Its been very emotionally trying for me.

We finally reached a place where things began to feel like they were steadily improving when out of nowhere she texted me about us needing to talk because she had been having feelings about me getting coffee with an ex last year and two years ago I exchanged drawing lessons for meditation sessions with a friend. She came to believe this was a "form of intimacy" and took it as a matter of loyalty and disloyalty. Mind you, she was telling me this while she was on her way to go see her ex who she cuts off and reconnects with every few months, and very guiltily tried to assure me was a non-romantic hangout. I made no fuss and told her I respect her autonomy and she doesn't need my permission to see anybody.

The following day, we had plans to meet up and she cancels them and requests we skype instead. She then suddenly breaks up with me and says there isnt any way we could ever work out. This was after being adamant about wanting to get married since last spring and obsessing for months about how I am her twin flame. I hesitated and didnt to give her an answer on marriage and suggested we slow down. The primary reason for that (which I havent fully explained yet, because she is in denial of her diagnosis - and has been diagnosed with BPD multiple times since once her teens. I was informed by her last therapist.)  that I grew up with a BPD mother whose symptoms were untreated and I have PTSD and have been undergoing extensive therapy for years working through the scars. She engages in a lot of symptomatic behavior that mirrors my mothers and this causes me a lot of emotional flashbacks and is generally very difficult to deal with, but I love her and believe in her healing process. I suggested slowing down because for both my sake and the sake of a potential child, I need for her to manage some of her symptoms that cause me harm more effectively for me to feel safe making that kind of a commitment to her - especially if she also want kids. I could not live with myself allowing my child to endure the same emotional agony I underwent. I let it come out last week that I do feel a sense of destiny about her but there is a lot of psychological work we need to do make our relationship more healthy and stable before speaking on this.

At any rate, I felt profoundly heartbroken when she broke up with me. I had long learned that she "says things she doesnt mean" when she is upset, and I had to learn to depersonalize a lot of the things she says in those states for the sake of my sanity. It had dawned on me in that moment that perhaps she doesn't ever mean anything she says even in the good times too. That maybe she is just vocalizing whatever mood is rushing through her at the moment. My heart shattered in a million pieces at the thought.

I told her I didnt want to talk to her anymore for the day and that I needed space. For the next week, she would text me regularly trying to get me back. Using manipulation via guilt (trying to start conversation about her grandfathers passing last year, or accusing me of "shaming her" and treating her like a bad person for "just trying to protect her heart" to flat out telling me to stop being mad bc she needs my help with an application).

I refused to respond because I had been really grappling with how she just expects me to "get over it" and take her back; how I mustve given her permission to treat me this way by silently enduring unacceptable treatment to keep the peace. By responding to these manipulative messages, I felt I would be reinforcing her belief that these tactics work. The day we broke up I recieved emails from Welcome to Oz, an online support group for people who have loved ones w BPD on how borderlines use psychological manipulation, guilt and shame to induce loyalty in the face of mistreatment. It took her till the following week to finally apologize, but I wasnt ready to talk yet. She left love notes at my house, texted me she loved me and begged me to call her back, go to the beach with her, etc. I still needed time.

Then she went about 2 days without contacting me, until yesterday morning when she sent me an email about how she realized that she is addicted to love and sex and I am too, so she is going to go on a "detox" for 30 days of No Contact because her feelings for me come from a place of addiction.

Even when we weren't talking, the weekly makeup/breakup cycle still continued in her mind. In a way the email validated my heartbreaking realization two weeks ago that maybe she doesn't mean anything she says. I also felt really dehumanized to now be devalued this way - from the idealized love of her life to another addictive substance she needs to "detoxify" from.

She is also a recovering alcoholic, and I am 100% sober and have been for many years. I am the first sober partner she has ever been with and maybe the only sober person in her life.  her choice to become sober is in no small part linked to positive experiences with me in this relationship.

For most of the past 2 weeks, I have been tripling the duration of my (already hours-a-day) yoga and meditation practice and have been feeling fantastic - even enjoying the break from her emotional rollercoaster. In the past 3 or so days I returned to my regular daily practice and all the hurt, pain and anguish is surfacing. I could only bypass for so long.

All in all, I am devastated. It all happened so suddenly and seemingly over nothing. This situation is a perfect example of how her unmanaged symptoms cause me harm and why I have requested slowing down from marriage talk while these behaviors are still unmanaged.

This situation also isnt unique. She hasnt been in therapy for 2-3 months and has been falling out with virtually everyone in her life. In the No Contact email she even talked about cutting off her mom - who lives in the same building as her - because she "doesnt have good boundaries". I am worried about her but also deeply, deeply hurt.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jxeer]

I texted her last night saying I hope she is well and that I am going to send her a series of emails starting today. I decided that it's time I am upfront about my struggle with her symptoms and how it's informed my hesitance to commit to marrying her. I want to explain that I no longer want to passively endure hurtful and disrespectful behavior from her because it neither helps me nor her, and if children are in our horizon then continuing to enable this behavior is not within their best interest either. I want to request she returns to therapy and/or seek DBT, and if she does she will have my love and support. I also want to explain why I have not been responding to her messages over the last two weeks. I have been reading a books on overcoming Victim Orientation, and learned in one that one of the key differences between a Victim Orientation and Creator Orientation is that a Victim focuses on problems and reacts to the anxiety their problem-focus produces, and as a result the behavior born out of reaction to their feelings and not the situation often makes the situation worse, or temporarily resolves it enough to reduce the anxiety but not effectively enough that the situation won't come up again later. In the Creator Orientation, one's focus is on the vision and outcome, and acts from a place of passion, love and motivation to take baby-steps towards making that vision real. I thought about providing a vision of what I would like our fall and winter to look like and feel like, and try to shift to focus of our relationship conversations from obsessive problem-solving and drama to focus upon a vision and action-steps towards realizing it.

Any advice, support, and empathy is welcome. If you are of the view that I should let it go and perhaps her doing this is for the better, I am open to that perspective too.

Thanks,
j

[pearlsw]

Hi jxeer,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so much emotional pain! I am impressed by all the self care you have been doing, but get that at some point the feelings are there and must be dealt with! I am glad you are here and sharing with us!

It sounds like you have a lot of experience with BPD! I was just reading something on the site that spoke to this issue of "do they really love us?" I will search later for that and share it here once I find it again! I hope I am not imagining that!  I think that is one of the big existential questions many of us ponder at times.

I hear ya about sudden devastation and loss. When I've had relationships end that way (I can think of two now, aside from the hundreds of breakup threats I've endured) it feels just like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. All that was stable, and it's not like it was that stable really, is suddenly turned to quicksand right under your feet. It is shocking, no matter how many times it happens for a "non" brain to deal with in my experience.

But you sound like you have a good, strong head on your shoulders and can see very clearly. So, there is that. Always good to count your strengths and remind yourself sometimes, via mantras, the things you do have going for you. "I am strong. I will make it. I deserve the best in life., etc."  

Also, if I can affirm, sounds like it was a good idea to go slow about marriage and a future, etc. from your side of things.

What can you do this week to just simply feel good about yourself and about life?

Do you have any ideas about what you want to do during her 30 day "detox"?

We also have a board for adult children of BPD parents that you may want to post on as well and build community with there!  

Again, glad you are with us! And many big hugs!     I hope my words help heal a little of your pain today!

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

I texted her last night saying I hope she is well and that I am going to send her a series of emails starting today. I decided that it's time I am upfront about my struggle with her symptoms and how it's informed my hesitance to commit to marrying her.

Any advice, support, and empathy is welcome. If you are of the view that I should let it go and perhaps her doing this is for the better, I am open to that perspective too.

Thanks,
j

Do you think this is the best time for this? Can I slow you down a bit on this perhaps? Want to post pieces or all of it here first? Maybe we can help?

It is important to be careful with not pressuring someone or making asks that aren't worded... .that she might take in a wrong way, ya know? I'm no expert, just want to help if we at all can!

But I get how this stuff builds up and it feels like you have to say something, messy and all!

warmly, pearl.

[jxeer]

Thank you so much, Pearl. I would actually really appreciate getting to share what I am thinking of saying here. I have been holding back on finishing the email for days because I don't want to word it in a way that will lead to it not being ill-received - especially after two weeks without communication. I don't want to make matters worse.

I'm also trying to increase my awareness of when I am responding to a situation vs. responding to my anxiety about a situation - which can sometimes look like rushing to act perhaps prematurely. I just found out about this message board this morning, and just read an article about Anosognosia. It talked about how for the NBP loved one, knowing about the diagnosis is validating and presents a potential solution to our problems, for the BP they can easily find it shaming, stigmatizing, and think that it is placing all the responsibility for their/the relationships problems on their shoulders. I definitely want to avoid making matters worse - so thank you for offering to listen and support!

[pearlsw]

Thank you so much, Pearl. I would actually really appreciate getting to share what I am thinking of saying here. I have been holding back on finishing the email for days because I don't want to word it in a way that will lead to it not being ill-received - especially after two weeks without communication. I don't want to make matters worse.

I'm also trying to increase my awareness of when I am responding to a situation vs. responding to my anxiety about a situation - which can sometimes look like rushing to act perhaps prematurely. I just found out about this message board this morning, and just read an article about Anosognosia. It talked about how for the NBP loved one, knowing about the diagnosis is validating and presents a potential solution to our problems, for the BP they can easily find it shaming, stigmatizing, and think that it is placing all the responsibility for their/the relationships problems on their shoulders. I definitely want to avoid making matters worse - so thank you for offering to listen and support!

Hi jxeer,

Yes, it is indeed quite vexing that a lack of self-awareness can make it quite difficult for someone to recognize there is a serious problem with their mental health. It is absolutely heartbreaking! 

Let me drop a batch of readings for you in one convenient place. I think there is a lot to consider. (The first and last might be most relevant for you right now?)

Supporting Your BPD Partner
Behaviors: How it Feels to Have BPD
Being An Emotional Caregiver
Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD

Let us know what you think and how this influences how/what you might want to say!

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

p.s. And for the "do they really love us?" question:

BPD Behaviors: Did She Ever Love Me?

 

Hopefully others will join us and we can keep talking this all over! I love to reread and relearn here all the time!  This isn't always intuitive. It takes practice!

[jxeer]

Thank you so much for all the reading material. I have been reading through these links and watching lectures on this website. All this new [for me!] information is putting so much into perspective. I didn't send the email yesterday as I promised to because the new understandings are significantly changing how I want to approach this.

I read an article about validation and watched a video on validation and families. I really appreciated the explanation of how BPs have an over-active amygdala that raises the volume of emotional experience, and when emotional arousal passes a certain threshold dysregulation sets in and the ability to clearly express one's internal experience goes down. This explains a lot of emotional lashing out, blame, accusation, and other really unpleasant and sometimes hurtful communications that don't really state the feeling itself.

I realized I have been often invalidating towards her. Sometimes I have minimized or tried to rationalize away her distress, thinking I'm just revealing there is no "boogy man under the bed". This attitude has often either escalated conflict or lead to her thinking I am being condescending and feeling persecuted (when I think I'm in rescuer!) by my invalidating her "feelings". Other times she expresses her "feelings" as emotionally charged name-calling or false accusation, and defending myself or trying to explain how what she is saying isnt true often leads to feelings of invalidation rather than correction of a misunderstanding. I'm not going to blame myself for this, because it's very easy to invalidate a BP when they are dysregulated and especially if they are being rude, disrespectful and belligerent. I think I can begin to approach these dynamics in a more effective way now that I understand where she is coming from a bit more.

I think my big fear in the past was on validating what I perceived as invalid or delusional beliefs, including and especially when they were wrong beliefs about me. It seemed like an impossible situation because it felt cruel to invalidate but I feared the consequences of validating to be even worse. I'm understanding there is an art to being validating and helping people feel validated and sufficiently empathized without agreeing or necessarily encouraging delusional ideas.

Where I still am unclear is as it relates to her conflicts with other people. She has a lot of strong feelings about me not bringing her around more of my friends, and feeling like I must be hiding her or ashamed of her. It's the opposite; I speak very highly of her and I often quote her - she is a very brilliant, very creative (she makes experimental film, and paints) person. In the beginning of our relationship, she would frequently conjure up conflict with people close to me and force me to "choose sides" as a way of testing loyalty. She was also fiercely jealous of my femme friends (I have never been the type to only hang out with men) and would ruthlessly bash and disparage them to me behind their backs, and also shame me for being friends with them as if it were in conflict with her. Over time I just grew more cautious with bringing her around certain people because I was afraid of her trying to isolate me and wreck my social life. It's a shame because I think a lot of my friends could learn a lot from her and vis-versa.

New information gives me hope that the opposite could also be true, and that the advanced communication, validation and empathy skills I would develop through learning how to better show up for her can make me an even better friend throughout my social life.

Still, I don't know how to validate her when she is bad-mouthing people I care about or when she's conjuring theories of persecution about others that I am simply not seeing. I know that is very triggering for her as a BP who is sensitive to invalidation and also as a survivor who feels strongly about victim-blaming and people not believing women when they say they are being abused. She also wants to know I am "loyal" to her and on her side; however, I just don't perceive life through this high-conflict lens and I don't want to.

I need to really soak more of this in. A problem I had before is that I invalidate my own emotions and dissociate a little when she does and says hurtful things, leading to a level of "forgetting" - a coping mechanism I developed as a child dealing with my mother's Borderline behavior.

After moving out of my parent's house, I went 7 years of no contact with my BPD mother. Those years were one great sigh of relief. Without access to personal therapy I sought to self-care as best I could while writhing in the throes of PTSD and doing my best to block out memories to reduce emotional flashbacks. As a result, my ability to show up as a competent, responsible and reliable adult was severely compromised due to trauma from emotional experiences I had blocked out of my memory.

One of the healing benefits of this relationship is that re-experiencing her symptoms reminded me of memories I forgot, enabling me to work through the core beliefs, coping mechanisms and trauma I couldn't access before because I blocked out and buried so many of those memories (and finally getting access to therapy again).

Prior to this, I really only had a superficial grasp of what some of the symptoms were, but the information on this website is giving me a much more comprehensive and nuanced grasp of the situation now and perhaps better equipping me to address hurtful behavior and set boundaries and limits in an informed way -- even if I am not discussing that information with her, I at least can respond in a manner that is informed by it. This is helping me clearly understand the hurtful dynamics between my partner and I and why, and for the first time giving me a detailed understanding of my childhood family dynamics with my mother.

When we first started dating, she brought me in to meet her therapist and we attended couple's therapy together. After about a month of couple's therapy with this therapist, they both encouraged me to begin seeing the therapist privately for my own PTSD. It was during these sessions that the therapist first subtly and then in no uncertain terms informed me that my partner has BPD and that I need to really understand the ins and outs of this disorder so I can better navigate and protect myself in this relationship. When my partner found out that her diagnosis had been revealed, she accused her therapist of projecting the diagnosis (She's the one with borderline, not me! - which was partially true; I don't think it was projection but the therapist was very transparent about their experience with BPD and that it is possible to fully stabilize and get a good grip on all of the symptoms) and discontinued seeing her, moving on to another therapist. She then villainized this therapist and asserted that the diagnosis isn't true.

Reading through this website is showing me that therapist really had our best interest in heart, and had she gotten specialized treatment for the BPD and had I been given the support, information, and tools to really "love her right", then things could've gone much differently. While there is no changing the past, I suppose it does bring me a sense of hope.

I think I'm going to follow the advice and not name the disorder in this email. I accept the idea that it's not so much denial as much as another symptom of the mental illness with perhaps a biological root. However, the doctor described it in the context of his Schizophrenic brother who thought nothing was wrong with him. My partner has no illusions about being mentally ill; and she works very very hard on herself to grow and show up as a better person. She also practices meditation very seriously, she is a Reiki Master and does a lot of personal journaling and art-therapy alongside seeing a regular therapist (well... .until 2 or so months ago, and albeit hopping from therapist to therapist abruptly - not seeing someone specialized in BPD or in a DBT like setting). She doesn't admit to having BPD but she is aware that she is mentally ill, and describes herself as mentally ill. I'm not entirely sure if its really total Anosognosia or if there is some level of coping-denial. On the other hand, its more than a rejection of the label, she is also not aware of many of her symptoms (like twisted thinking, high-conflict thought patterns, dysregulation, etc) and she blames others for situations that stem from her acting out. Nonetheless, I empathize with the sense of terror that can set in at feeling like one's whole sense of reality is being challenged. In the past, I had decided that maybe things could improve between us if I addressed the symptoms and how they affect me without naming the disorder itself.

Do you think it'd be wise to address that in the email instead? I decided I should follow the LEAP format as best I can, and first try to reflect back and validate all the things she said in her texts and email to me, followed by empathizing with the feelings I can identify behind her words and basically saying I'd feel like that too if the things she is describing happening to her where happening to me. I can apologize for having been invalidating to her in the past, for stone-walling over time to avoid conflict, and after apologizing for stone-walling begin to address a few of the dynamics that I have been struggling to cope with. To avoid blame and keeping the letter problem-focused (avoiding a Victim-orientation), perhaps I can keep it vision focused by describing what I would like our fall and winter to look like and requesting that we work together to make the next few months more pleasant.

How does this sound as an alternate approach?

It still feels a little awkward because I have so many thoughts and feelings (esp around marriage & kids) that I cannot really express without divulging my belief in her diagnosis. I purchased two books - one on High Conflict Relationships and another on The Borderline Mother that I learned about on this site. I'm realizing that it's kind of impossible to understate how big of a deal it is that I had a Borderline mother and I am in a relationship with a Borderline now, and how my feelings about Borderline motherhood - esp untreated Borderline motherhood are very, very strong, layered and complex as well as 1000% valid and after 15 years of healing work I feel I am just now beginning to fully grasp what that meant. It's sort of a major element of the relationship, and its strange that it's not something we can communicate about. All in all, I feel deeply grateful for all the clarity I have received in the past 2 days, and at least in regards to my own healing, I feel great joy, hope, and optimism.

[jxeer]

Also, to be honest - I don't know how to cope with BP jealousy! Her messages about thinking I was being disloyal for exchanging drawing lessons and meditation classes with my friend two years ago, and getting coffee with an ex once last year set this recent break off. Prior to this relationship, I was in a non-monogamous relationship for 9 years so our values around respecting each others autonomy, loving friendships and navigating social-life, in general, couldn't be more opposite.

Most of my social interactions are pretty deep and meaningful, and I am not willing to change that to accommodate her desire to control my behavior in order to regulate her anxiety and low self-esteem. Community is really important to me. I bring this up because I think I should address jealousy in a more empathetic way in the email, but I am uncertain how to and I still feel a lot of resentment about it. Even if I don't say I am resentful, it shows up in my behavior (like not bringing her around as much).

Thanks so for listening! I'm very grateful for this board.

[pearlsw]

Hi jxeer,

Wow! You have picked up a lot in just a few days! Truly impressive! If you get the time it'd be great too if you can post on others threads and give support and share your insights with others as well. It is great when we are here working together and teaching each other about this stuff!

Just reading your post has been a great review/learning experience for me!

So, I scrolled back up... .and just to be clear... .this letter you want to write is to try to get her back after a break up? Is that right?

Oh, and one other way you can talk about it, given how you've described her, her self awareness but desire to not be labeled could be "emotional sensitivity". That worked for my SO. It gave us a way to talk about it without the stigma. I explained it as we all have emotions, his are just heightened sometimes.

Before I came to the site I had already been using that term and others with him... .he could see I was on a search to figure this all out... .so, it happens. But if it is going to bring up problems not a good use of energy.

Hopefully others will join us here! There is a lot to discuss!

take care, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hi jxeer,

I thought there was some on the site that specifically addressed jealousy, but I've searched and not been able to locate it. Does anyone else know where that information is please?

That is definitely something a lot of us deal with!

sincerely, pearl.

[jxeer]

Hi Pearl,

Thank you for replying. Yes, the goal of the email would be to get her back after a breakup and to explain why I took space from her for two weeks. I appreciate you reflecting this intention back to me - perhaps that is something I need to think about more.

I feel distressed and sad after having broken up. Maybe the breakup is a blessing in disguise and I should just take the exit from the rollercoaster while I still can. Yet, here I am - not wanting to let go and trying to patch things up. I am also trying to get her back because our anniversary is in a few days (anniversary of entering a relationship, our anniversary for meeting was on the 2nd), it is her birthday month, and we had been planning on going on a meditation retreat on the weekend of her birthday and it's still very important to me that we attend.

I hope more people post on this thread too! I will be more active elsewhere on the board. Thanks so much for being so responsive!

[jxeer]

I think I had a wrong view of what "addressing the symptoms" really means. Up till now I was thinking about it as finding a way to communicate to her when and how she was being hurtful in hopes that she would change. That may be part of it, but in reality, it means me learning how I participate in co-creating these dynamics and learning new ways to respond to her difficult behavior that break conflict-cycles or disrupt the 'Drama Triangle' from forming.

"Addressing the symptoms" sounds more and more like a two-person job.

** Thought I'd share this insight:

Reading this article has been illuminating: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

"Do you really see how being nasty, invalidating, or critical toward your partner, no matter what she or he just did; will only make your relationship worse?

Or, do you think that when he or she does these kinds of things to you that you have a "right" to respond with similar behavior (that she or he "deserves it")?"

I had been a pretty well behaved kid, yet caught a ton of really cruel, authoritarian abuse and constant punishment from my parents for behavior (like not finishing lunch sandwich, getting a C in Math, talking in class or crying if my parents were shouting at me) that is not even in the same stratosphere as the behavior she has and continues to engage in. It's blowing my mind how learning these skills is kind of showing me "there's nothing you could've done that would've warranted such nasty, invalidating or critical responses from your parents". It's almost like "parenting" a BP partner is showing me there is no reason to reproduce the behaviors I experienced even in worst-case-scenarios and equipping me to deal with the stresses of a real child non-violently in the future.

Writing this is also reminding me that I've experienced too much of my life trying to endure abuse gracefully. At any rate, I'm learning.

[jxeer]

I decided to keep it very simple and steer away from bringing up diagnosis. I replied to the second-to-last email she sent me, mostly validating what she had said before. I then shortly tried to explain some of why I was hurt and followed by more validation and apologizing for not having been sufficiently validating in the past. The hardest part was finding a way to validate the feelings underlying her calling my uBPD mother a "b**h", "monster", and "hoping she rots", and accusing me of "siding with her past abusers" and "shaming her" because in our last argument I said accused her of being painfully unaware of how her behavior impacts the people around her and that it speaks to a real lack of accountability to have a history of violence against others and still not try to understand the ins and outs of her mental illness. I was very angry in the heat of a text-argument, and on the verge of bringing up the diagnosis but didn't.

--------

I hope you are well. Congratulations on making a proposal to the ICA. You have so much to say and contribute - I hope your proposal was well received. They'd be really lucky to work with you.

You’re right, it’s very painful to have your suffering invalidated. If I thought you believed I deserved my abuse, I would also feel very heartbroken and full of anguish, distrust, and despair. It feels very devastating to believe someone you love only sees the worst in you.

I see you have made a lot of progress on your healing journey, and you’ve come a very long way. All that work has made it possible for you to commit to recovering from your addiction, and it takes a lot of strength, determination, and commitment to your recovery to stick to it even when you’re under a lot of distress.

I can see my relationship with my mother is very confusing to you and you have a lot of anger, frustration, and resentment about it. I hear that you want to feel deserving of forgiveness and understanding for your past actions. Most importantly I understand you need empathy and to know the person you’re trying to trust is on your side.

I did not understand how or why, apparently out of nowhere and at a time when I believed things were steadily improving between us that you broke up with me. All weekend I had been fantasizing about sharing Fall and Winter together. I took that Wednesday off and committed to making a full day for you each week. I thought about taking you to the retreat, and what seeing Nath together would be like, or attending Kali Puja at the Shri Maha Kali Devi Temple to witness the ceremony. I thought about taking you out to shows and dancing together to help re-create sober “fun”. I thought about going to places like MoCADA and the Caribbean cultural center for Fall and Winter programming, seeing museum exhibits and taking new classes together. I had been looking at our Nameless Boundless Zine and coming up with ideas for more Zines we could make together based on our many ongoing conversations. I thought about keeping each other warm through the winter, cooking together during the snowfall and countless other visions of the coming months. I really truly felt a renewed sense of hope about us, especially after going to the documentary together. I was really looking forward to sharing more time with you on Monday.

And then you broke up with me. When you said there was no way we could ever work out, I felt completely devastated. I’ve learned that when you are upset you often say very hurtful things you don’t mean. I have had to learn to depersonalize your words and actions in these states in order to minimize the amount of hurt I would internalize from these responses otherwise. After being adamant about marriage since last spring and convinced for months that we are twin flames, the sudden loss of all hope just 2 days after telling me you’re “giving me another chance” left me baffled and wondering if you ever meant any of the things you said when you were feeling hopeful about us either. The thought that perhaps you never meant any of it was unbearably painful. The suddenness and unpredictability really broke my trust. I became convinced that any move towards trying to pull me back in would just be followed by getting pushed away again, regardless of what I say or don't say, do or don't do. My heart felt too utterly pulverized after months of being broken up with on a weekly basis to ride on that rollercoaster any longer.

I now understand that what triggered your response to breaking up with me was feeling invalidated  I apologize for responding to your feelings in a way that left you feeling invalidated, and I apologize for the many times in the past where my responses or methods of coping with overwhelm and distress — be it through ignoring, taking space, staying quiet, trying to convince you to feel differently in your moments of distress, minimizing your feelings or trying to rationalize why you should think about a situation differently. At the time I didn’t know that my responses were being experienced as an invalidation of your experience (or even what that meant), and I’m sorry for not always being sensitive to your validation needs.

I hope you are having a good night. I will write you more in the coming days

With Love,
J