HELP , I need some input, advice, on BPD and lying.

[Help_WifeIsCrazy]

HELP !, I need some input, opinions on BPD and lying.

Married 20 years, just now learning that there were many lies over the years.
In general, she deals with major depression and an almost disabling level of anxiety.
During our marriage I'm pretty sure that she's been faithful.  She told me things that she didn't have to.  
One being a very traumatizing rape when she was about 20.
She is a Nurse, we lived together for 2 years then she moved back home to be close to her family.
This behavior is related to our long distance relationship over the next 3 years, before we got married.
I would fly to see her every 2-3 weeks.  I was still in love and she seemed to be also.
One of the times that I was up there we went out to a club,  and she said to me
"See that guy over there?"  "I slept with him and he was so big it almost didn't fit."
I was shocked.  I asked myself why would anyone say something like this to their boyfriend?
She told me later that it was before we ever met.  Since then I have learned that it happened while we were still dating.
She said that at the time she didn't think that it was wrong, but now she knows that it was.
She said it was stupid and she doesn't know why she did it.

Lately I've been reading everything I can relating to BPD.
She has no sense of self.  She cannot stand to be alone.  She says she feels lost and doesn't know what to do.
She tells me that that is the only incident during that 3 year period and that she has told me everything else.
Everything that I have read and my gut feeling tells me that her statement isn't true.
During that time she has recalled several very detailed memories that we have just found out "never happened."
She called a relative to prove to me that these things did happen, and was very surprised when she was told that they never happened.

We both are going to counseling and so far it is going well.
All of the stories that she's told me each had several different versions , and never made sense to me.  I always felt there was more to it.
I told her that I don't need to know what happened.  I said, "But the things that you've told me do need to make sense."
I said "Just tell me that there are things that are too painful to talk about right now."  Then, at least I would understand  why none of this makes sense.
She swears there is nothing else to tell.
The Counselor believes that she isn't capable of telling the truth yet because she's too embarrassed or ashamed of the past.

My questions:
1.  Is it possible that she knows more but can't admit to it just yet.
2.  Is it possible that she really believes what she is saying and that the false memories were her defense mechanisms to deal with whatever happened?
3.  The comment that she made to me was completely out of character with everything else that she has ever said to me before.  
     Could it be that she was so freaked out when she saw this person that her unconscious defense mechanisms, Level 4. "Humor," and Level 3. "Displacement," took over,
     explaining why she blurted out something so "out of character."?"

Thanks for any input or advice relating to this.


 

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[Panda39]

Hi Help_WifeIsCrazy,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I come at BPD from a slightly different angle, my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).

I actually discovered BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying".  I'm glad to hear your reading about BPD, that's what I first did as well, went to the library and hit the books.

For folks with BPD Feelings = Facts and I have seen this manifest itself with my SO's ex.  Her lying is a slightly different flavor than your wife's, she lies most often about money related stuff.
 
She has told her daughters that she is buying a half-million dollar home at the same time she's being evicted from the 3 Bedroom Townhome she couldn't afford.  She sent their older Daughter of to college with the promise that her Family Trust would pay the college. (Dad warned D18 but she was shown documents that she believed) So off she went to college, and now she owe that College $15,000 because there was no Trust.

I think she really wanted the house for her kids so she believed she was going to make it happen and I believe she wanted her daughter to go to college out east so she believed she could make it happen.  They were both lies, and very damaging to her children, but the sad thing is I think they were a twisting of her hopes and they turned to failures, because feelings don't equal facts in the real world.

In terms of your wife's stories, they could be true, they could be what she feels is true so to her they are true, the stories could also be to get a reaction out of you... .maybe trying to make you jealous for example so she feels certain you love her.

Panda39