Getting Away and Not Processing Enough?

[mama-wolf]

I have been wrestling with some co-parenting struggles with my stbx over the past couple of weeks on the Family Law board, and in the process I think I have been neglecting my own detaching process.  Some of that is probably intentional avoidance, so I'm trying to at least get some things out here to try and keep myself moving forward, however slowly... .

This past holiday weekend I was without the kids (per the custody agreement), so I went to the mountains to stay a few days with my dad and stepmom.  It was odd for me to be up there on my own... .first time I have done that in fifteen years (since I had started dating my stbx), and especially odd not to be up there with kids as I had for the past nine years since D9 was born. 

I did get a chance to talk to my stepmom quite a bit at different points over the weekend about the relationship and separation.  We even touched on some elements of emotional abuse and their impacts.  Since she came from a physically and emotionally abusive relationship prior to meeting and marrying my dad, she was very supportive, though I didn't really dig into a lot of details of my internal processing.

There's a thread that I'm following on the Learning board about unpacking the emotional abuse "box," and although I did discuss a few things with my stepmom, I'm still struggling with the overall idea.  I'm also generally not sure where I am in the process of recovering from the whole situation in general, and feeling a little adrift as far as my therapy is concerned.  The past couple of sessions have been focused more on co-parenting issues... .advice on what to do and some discussion of how the issues are impacting me (all very needed).  I'm just seeing a rapidly diminishing opportunity to address much of anything else given that my T will be headed out on maternity leave in a month or so.

It's hard to conceive of digging into any "deep" issues that may need addressing at this point since after only a couple more sessions I won't see her again until January (if at all).  I am so not up for starting over with someone new, and so I'm left with the prospect of just plodding along on the surface of things... .managing blowups from my stbx, getting through our upcoming anniversary in October and then heading into the holidays alone.

mw

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi mama-wolf,

That’s great that you took a trip to the mountains.  I live on the flatland coastal plains, but I love the mountains, too.  I’m sure it was restorative to speak about your feelings with your step mom. I find it helpful to talk with people who really know me for myself.  They have a tendency to remind me of who I am and who I am not and that is so important.

I know you are concerned about your therapist going on maternity leave.  What does she suggest you do while she is gone?

Do you journal?  I was hesitant, but it has really helped me.  I take my journal to therapy, too.  It reminds me of what I have been processing between sessions.

I’m not ready to unpack the emotional abuse either.  I just peek around the edges, maybe take something small out and look at it.  It overwhelms me.

It is strange to be alone.  I know, like me, you have also found peace in alone times. 

Looking forward to hearing more from you.  You have made much progress.  Be proud of yourself. 

Mustbe
 

[BeagleGirl]

Mama-wolf,
I’m starting to watch for  in my internal dialogue. One word that I watch for is “enough”, as in “not enough”. Since that word is in your title, it caught my eye.

I feel like we share some similar tendencies.  I know that I tend to push myself to complete an task I have undertaken more thoroughly and in a shorter time than anyone (other than myself) would expect of me. I feel like you may be at risk of doing the same in your healing process.

If you were to look back over my post history on this board you would see that I spent quite a bit of time on Conflicted then shifted over to Family Law as my divorce and co-parenting issues took up the majority of my mental space. It’s only been the last couple months that Learning has become my “home” board. I think I needed to reach a certain point of stability before I could effectively start to recognize and unpack the items in my “box”. Even at that, my T has commented that I’m progressing “ahead of schedule”. I’m starting to realize that’s not necessarily a compliment.

I guess what I want to caution you against is looking at where you are and what you are accomplishing with a critical eye.  I have seen you make incredible progress since you arrived here on the boards. I have a bit of perspective that allows me to see that you are doing a tremendous job and, while it may not feel like you are doing “enough”, you are an encouragement and inspiration to me.  A tool my T and my friends often ask me to use when I am being critical and feeling like I’m not doing enough is to look at myself as I would a dear friend. When I do that, my judgements and criticism are replaced with Grace and compassion.

On the practical side, I can definitely relate with not wanting to start over with a new T. Have you discussed this with your T?  Have you asked how she would advise continuing your healing while she’s out?  Have you asked what she thinks you should be working on and towards?  Does she have any suggestions for who you might talk to in her absence if things get overwhelming? 

   You are doing courageous things. Just the act of going to the mountains alone was an act of courage. The act of sharing with your step mom was an act of courage. Coming on here and sharing your experience and how you feel about it is an act of courage. I think it’s a pretty good idea to celebrate those acts of courage.

 

BG

[mama-wolf]

I know you are concerned about your therapist going on maternity leave.  What does she suggest you do while she is gone?

We haven't quite gotten into those details yet.  I think she's waiting until a little closer to her departure for maternity leave (which is a few weeks before her actual due date since she's carrying twins) in order to address this.  Maybe it's coming up on Monday, or the session after that... .

Do you journal?

I am so incredibly terrible at journaling.  I tell myself part of it is that I'm just too busy, but I certainly spend enough time ruminating and composing posts/responses on here that I could make the time for that. I guess I tend to prefer posting here because there's a feedback mechanism.  I don't like the idea of being totally in my own headspace, alone.  Plus, when I'm alone with myself in that way... .I just flat out struggle to find the words or even identify the emotions.  The words lose their meaning.  The emotions are elusive.  None of it seems to matter.  I don't seem to matter.

At least here, I derive a certain modicum of self-worth from the interaction with other members.  It's not what it should be, but it's more than being in that other place, alone and unable to "speak."

The book I have been reading (Journey from Abandonment to Healing) has an exercise in it called Separation Therapy, where you imagine yourself sitting with your inner child and listening to/validating the inner child's protests, feelings, and pain.  I can't quite manage it.  Setting aside how weird it feels in general to think of my "self" in the third person like that (Big Me and Little Me, however you look at it)... .I just can't get there.  I'm not sure if she's mute, speaking another language, or speaking on a frequency my ears just cant hear... .I just haven't figured it out and I haven't yet managed to bring it to my T for help.

I feel like we share some similar tendencies. 

BG, from what I have read of your posts, I think we share a lot of similarities across the board.  Your thoughts and perspective are very appreciated.

A tool my T and my friends often ask me to use when I am being critical and feeling like I’m not doing enough is to look at myself as I would a dear friend.

Yes, this gets to the Self-Compassion piece that I am particularly struggling with.  There's a book with this title, actually, which I bought not too long ago.  I'm stuck near the beginning where it says that you need to identify your pain and openly and honestly evaluate your feelings about that pain. 

I told my T about that... .about how I essentially got to that part and was like, "Nope"... .so I moved on to something else.  She said it's pretty important that I figure out what that roadblock is in order to make progress.  I didn't get a chance in that session to get into it with her, but I think I have a pretty good idea what it is... .at least on the surface. 

Basically, I don't really know how to do either task.  I don't know how to identify what that true pain is (probably multiple pains), and I also don't know how to connect with how I really feel about it.  I have spent so long insulating myself from pain and/or becoming accustomed to it that I don't recognize it as pain.  And at the same time, I am so emotionally stunted that I don't even think I have the vocabulary or basic awareness of what emotions I'm feeling unless I'm flooded and they're in extreme mode (yelling or bawling my eyes out).

On the practical side, I can definitely relate with not wanting to start over with a new T. Have you discussed this with your T?  Have you asked how she would advise continuing your healing while she’s out?  Have you asked what she thinks you should be working on and towards?  Does she have any suggestions for who you might talk to in her absence if things get overwhelming? 

About as far as we have gotten is a discussion of options (find someone new at the practice, sign up for just emergency support if needed, etc)... .options that can be changed later but that the practice just wanted to get a handle on in advance of her departure.  We did talk generally about my abandonment issues and how very disinclined I am to talk to someone new, as well as the option to at least address co-parenting concerns to D9's T who is also at the same practice. 

And of course, I have the option to request individual support if I urgently need it... .but let's be honest. I'd have to be in a severe emergency situation to pursue that.  Which concerns me, because I don't want to let myself get to that point in the first place.  Plus, I'm not entirely sure I'd reach out voluntarily if I did.  It got pretty dire while I was in my relationship with my uBPDw before I finally scheduled an appointment with my current T.  Now that I'm separated, my kids need me more than ever, so I can't risk getting to that place again.

So, aside from talking to someone else, it boils down to your question about how I continue healing while she's out.  I'm sure we'll discuss this in an upcoming session... .

(And thank you both, Mustbe and BG, for the kudos/encouragement.  It helps to hear it)

mw

[Educated_Guess]

M-W, I also struggle with thinks by about where I should be in the process and what I should or shouldn’t be thinking or feeling at any given moment.  It’s like I have this part of my brain that is always detached and observing me in the moment.

Sometimes it is a helpful thing and I’m sure I learned it as a survival mechanism in my child hood.  It is so ingrained in me that it was s part of who I am and how I exist.

The observer sure can be critical though and can get me into a bad headspace. Sometimes I catch it when it is happening and I’m able to back up, redirect and show myself the kindness to just be.  It is a continual struggle though.

I’m sorry that you are having a difficult time and you are apprehensive about your T going on leave.  It sounds like being in dialog with others is an important way for you to gain self awareness.  Are there ways you can stay in dialog with others who understand your situation while your T is out?

[mama-wolf]

It sounds like being in dialog with others is an important way for you to gain self awareness.  Are there ways you can stay in dialog with others who understand your situation while your T is out?

Hi EG, and sorry for the delayed reply! I think this is what I’m struggling with most... .it feels like my only avenue for this kind of support is here on the bpdfamily boards.  I can connect with friends and family, but it’s the lack of real understanding that gets in the way. My T understands BPD.  The community here understands it.  That’s about it in my circles... .

mw

[JNChell]

Hello, mama-wolf. I’ve been following your posts on the family board. It’s very hard to share a child with a disordered individual. I’m still trying to get over my stubbornness and give my ex her perceived wins.

I did get a chance to talk to my stepmom quite a bit at different points over the weekend about the relationship and separation.  We even touched on some elements of emotional abuse and their impacts.  Since she came from a physically and emotionally abusive relationship prior to meeting and marrying my dad, she was very supportive, though I didn't really dig into a lot of details of my internal processing.

This had to feel good. To have a person in the flesh that understood. That got it. Odds are, you didn’t have to tell her much for her to understand. Perhaps you’ve created a new bond here that has the potential to be synergistic. Maybe she’s really wanting to talk about what she’s been through just as much.

I'm also generally not sure where I am in the process of recovering from the whole situation in general, and feeling a little adrift as far as my therapy is concerned.

I’m sure that you already know this, but I’ll repeat that this healing isn’t linear. Try to be patient with yourself. Just be mindful of where you are at any given time and feel it.

You say that you’re adrift in your therapy. Could this possibly be because of your therapist? Is it because you’ll not be able to see her until January, or is it because she’s leading the focus?

heading into the holidays alone.

  This already has me feeling sad. I imagine that I’ll be pretty depressed during the holidays. I’ll spend time with close friends, but I’ll be thinking of the little family that I had. It’ll be ok, though. Those days will pass and I’ll continue with my healing. I have to. A very young boy is relying on me.

[mama-wolf]

Hi JNChell and thank you for dropping in this thread!

This had to feel good. To have a person in the flesh that understood. That got it.

Yes, it was good to talk to someone else who understood more of what I have gone through.  I have been most open with my T, and have only shared a bit more with my mom and a close friend here in town but not the emotional abuse aspect.  I only skirted some of it, but I could tell she got it.

You say that you’re adrift in your therapy. Could this possibly be because of your therapist? Is it because you’ll not be able to see her until January, or is it because she’s leading the focus?

I think she has been keeping things focused on getting through the more immediate situation and dynamics of separation/co-parenting, probably for a couple of reasons.  I trust that she has a handle on what I'm ready or not ready for, and I don't think she wants to get me started on digging into deeper topics just yet--especially since she knows there will be an interruption.

She mentioned in my last session with her that I'm still in a pretty vulnerable place.  I would normally deny that, but she gave me a really good example... .a couple sessions ago we talked a little about when I came out to my mom and how her reaction affected me.  That discussion put me into a bit of a tailspin for days afterwards, so I have a sense that it might not be time yet for more of that.  I think she's being deliberate about the focus for now vs. what would be more appropriate to approach once she's back.

I just don't like the fact that I can't seem to handle the topics in the first place, and on top of that I am stuck waiting until I can handle them better--whenever that's supposed to be.

 This already has me feeling sad.

Yes, I'm really not looking forward to the holidays.  I'm really not a very sentimental type, so mainly it's about my kids being upset that I'm not with them (and of course I'll miss them, too)... .and I'm also not looking forward to my stbx's emotional roller coaster as she deals with being alone over the holidays either.  In the end, I know I'll be OK and will get through it... .because I have to.

mw

[JNChell]

Hello, MW.

Sounds like you have a solid T. I’ve noticed the same aspects with mine. She’s working diligently on teaching me grounding techniques and getting past the issues of my Son’s mother before really digging in to my past trauma. She’s preparing me for that. I’m appreciative of it and gladly give her the lead.

I just don't like the fact that I can't seem to handle the topics in the first place, and on top of that I am stuck waiting until I can handle them better--whenever that's supposed to be.

I can gather that you’re uncomfortable with the gap that is going to occur with your T. I try to see mine every week, but there is an eventual gap, and when this happens I experience anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if this is part of the therapy. But I overthink a lot.

Well, maybe some of us can meet up here over the holidays with hot cider that is entirely ruined by too much bourbon. 

Take care,mama-wolf. Much love.

[mama-wolf]

Sounds like you have a solid T.

Yes, she has left me feeling pretty confident in that fact.  It's why I'll miss her presence in my support network so much, which I'm working through in more detail in another thread.

She’s preparing me for that. I’m appreciative of it and gladly give her the lead.

I'm appreciative as well... .while also feeling rather impatient

I try to see mine every week, but there is an eventual gap, and when this happens I experience anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if this is part of the therapy. But I overthink a lot.

I think about that, too!  Just like the session lengths have a purpose for not overwhelming us with the ground covered during that time, I think gaps between the sessions have their own purpose as well.  I don't like it, but I get it (somewhat).

I see my T every other week at this point, which I think is reasonable given the more immediate focus on situations and managing current stress.  I tend to wonder what the frequency may be once we resume in January if we're going to be digging into deeper topics (and will of course discuss with her further when appropriate).

Well, maybe some of us can meet up here over the holidays with hot cider that is entirely ruined by too much bourbon. 

Now you're talking!  I haven't tried cider with bourbon but that is probably going to become my new favorite winter beverage   Either way, I'll be thinking of you and the rest of the Family here getting through the holidays with our various situations... .

mw